


Someday

by philsdrill



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Abuse Flashbacks, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blood, Blood and Injury, Bulimia, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Homophobia, Hospital, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Phan - Freeform, Phan AU, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Recovery, Self-Harm, Sick Character, Sickfic, Sickness, Smut, Soulmate AU, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt, Vomit, Vomiting, mild PTSD, panic disorder, phan fic, phanfic, suicidal side character, waiter phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 00:52:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 252,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14989199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philsdrill/pseuds/philsdrill
Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.”For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.





	1. Another Evening of Work

**Phil's POV:**

Today was yet another day, another day of working in the restaurant, serving endless streams of customers. Many of our customers would be out on dates with their soulmates, or with others in attempt to find their soulmates. I can’t say I wasn’t a little jealous. I wished I’d found my soulmate already because I felt they needed me.

Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick. It was a relatively common link we had, it came with worry and the thought of ‘they’re sick’. However, what was different for me, was that my soulmate did not just get sick once or twice a year, they threw up almost every day, sometimes multiple times.

When it started I wasn’t incredibly worried because I presumed they just had a stomach bug, but as the weeks went on I realised that there was something bigger wrong. I told my friend, Chris about it, as he’d noticed there was something bothering me. He tried his best to console me, but even he started to get worried. What was there that could make someone sick, day in and day out for over a month?

It had been a couple of months now since I told him, and I’d noticed a pattern. It was only a week ago when I noticed, and I wondered how I hadn’t seen it sooner. They were only ever sick around mealtimes. I couldn’t be completely sure, but I was putting my bets on them having an eating disorder. I wanted to find them because if I could help in any way at all, I would.

To be honest, I didn’t have a clue how to find them. Most people just bumped into their soulmate one day, or if their link was thought seeing, maybe they figured out where they were. I lived my life pretty much between my flat and work, and I doubted I was going to bump into someone with an eating disorder at the restaurant.

Like any other day, I entered the restaurant via the backdoor, took off my coat in the cloakroom and donned my apron. I let the manager know I was here, before getting to work and serving tables.

Tonight seemed to be a night for couples. Firstly, I served a small blonde man and his tall dark-haired wife. They were an unusual looking couple, but I could see from their almost matching name tattoos that they were meant for each other. I could see the love in his eyes as he glanced towards his wife, and vice versa. I could feel my jealousy of them running its course through my veins, but I kept up my professional attitude and was a friendly waiter.

I served a number of other soulmate couples before I found a not so well matched couple at a table in front of me. They probably didn’t know it themselves, but they weren’t meant to be. Working as a waiter, I had many years of experience of seeing people interact with their soulmates, but these two didn’t have that flow to their conversation or that sense of being automatically relaxed around the other. For a second, I hoped that they were siblings, or just friends, but when the lady took the man’s hand under the table and an expression of discomfort crossed his face, I knew they were trying to make work something that never would.

I don’t know what it was about this couple, but they interested me. Maybe it was the way they were obviously so uncomfortable, but it was likely more the fact that I was starting to develop a tiny crush on the guy. Having a crush didn’t mean anything; you could like someone and them not be your soulmate. That could be hard, especially when they go onto find their soulmate and leave you in a pool of broken-hearted despair.

As I took their order, I studied the guy. I tried not to make it obvious, as I’d had my fair share of customers who didn’t like to be looked at. He had brown hair, in a style not unlike my own, fringe swept to one side. His skin was almost as pale as mine, which his plump, pink lips contrasted with. He wore a shirt that looked almost slightly too big, and had a thick jacket hung over the back of his chair. He was incredibly pretty, but there was something about him that didn’t seem right.

His date was pretty also, but she wasn’t really my type. The only notice I took of her was her food order and her interactions with the man. She ordered a burger, one of our more popular items. He ordered a chicken dish, “but without the potatoes.”

As I walked away I heard her jokingly question him on this, “Dan, what’s up with potatoes?”

“I just don’t like them,” he told her, his voice almost sounding strained.

It was at that point I was no longer in hearing distance. I wondered if they did continue their conversation about potatoes. It was certainly unusual, not liking them. I didn’t think in all my years working here, I’d had someone specify no potatoes. In recalling the conversation, I realised I had now learnt the man’s name, Dan.

I served Dan and his date their main courses and then took orders for some more customers. It wasn’t until about twenty minutes later that I returned, to clear their plates away and issue them with the dessert menu.

Neither of them had quite managed all their food, but I must say, our burgers are pretty big. Checking they were done first, I lifted their plates away to the kitchen for washing. I returned with two copies of the sweet menu.

“Do you wish the sweet menu?” I asked them, in the usual waiter fashion.

“Yes please,” the girl replied cheerily.

I handed the pair of them their menus, not having missed the grimace on Dan’s face as she accepted the offer of the menus. It was obvious that he didn’t want to be there; maybe he’d realised this girl wasn’t for him. I gave the man a gentle smile, trying to hopefully show my understanding of the situation.

I returned a few minutes later to take their order, a triple chocolate brownie sundae to share. Dan didn’t look terribly happy with this decision either and I was betting it was one-hundred percent his date’s choice. I served them their pudding, and then again got busy taking and serving orders for other people. At one point, I noticed Dan get up and wander across the restaurant to the toilets. It wasn’t until about thirty seconds later that my head was filled with a sudden onslaught of worry. The usual words filled my head, “Phil, they’re sick. Your soulmate’s sick.”

I nearly dropped my tray of glasses when I had a sudden thought. What if Dan was my soulmate? The not wanting potatoes, the not finishing his main course, the not being enthusiastic about pudding… It could all add up to an eating disorder. Hurriedly, I served a family their drinks and then headed in the direction of the toilets.

Dan had not yet left, which if having just gone for a pee, he would have done. In a non-creepy way I stood outside the door, waiting to see if I heard anything. It wasn’t a loud noise and I probably only heard it because I was really listening, but I heard the sound of someone throwing up.

Tentatively, I opened the door to the toilets and walked in. I had to make sure he was alright. I just  _had_  to. I quietly walked into the bathroom, not wanting to let him know I was here until I was ready to. I had to decide whether I went about this as his waiter, or as a potential friend. In the end, I decided that I would call him Dan; some familiarity would probably be best in a situation like this.

In the silence, I heard muffled sobs, a shuffle, and then another vomiting sound. It was time to speak up.

“Dan, are you alright?” I spoke up, crossing my fingers in hope I would get a good reaction.

“Go away, please,” his voice replied, sounding rough and emotional, “I don’t even know you.”

“I’m Phil, your waiter,” I told him, “But I feel I’d like to know you better.”

“I know you’re my fucking waiter, so get out. This isn’t your job. Go back to your waiter-ing,” he spoke, I think attempting to sound angry, but not doing a very good job of it.

“It doesn’t matter that it’s not my job. I could be just casually going for a pee and I’d still take the time out to ask what’s wrong,” I told him honestly, “Can I at least get you a glass of water or something? Do you want me to tell your date you’re sick?”

“No, no, no,” he replied hurriedly, “Please don’t tell her.”

“Okay,” I replied, “I saw your date wasn’t really working out. I’m going to get you a glass of water, okay?”

“Alright,” he replied, with a small sniffle which told me he was still crying.

I left the toilets, walking quickly, and headed towards the kitchen. I felt a connection with this Dan guy, I was pretty sure he was the one. Therefore, I was determined to help him in any way I could. Before I got there, I bumped into my friend and colleague, Chris.

“Phil,” he spoke to me, “You look kind of dazed. Are you alright?”

“ _I’m_  fine,” I told him, “But I think I just found my soulmate… throwing up in the toilets. Could you go and grab a glass of water and meet me back at the toilets? I’m going to get a screwdriver in case we need to get the door open.”

Chris’s face went through a whole variety of expressions in the short space of time it took me to tell him all that. They were a lot to take in, the words I’d just dropped on him.

“Sure Phil,” Chris replied, “I hope he’s okay.”

With that Chris turned and hurried in the direction of the kitchen, leaving me to make my way to the back room where a toolbox was stored. I found a screwdriver which looked to be the right size to turn the lock, pocketed it and hurried back to the toilets. I arrived there at the same time as Chris, who had a glass of water in one hand.

“Can you come in with me and just wait by the door?” I asked him, “I have no idea how bad he is, so I’d appreciate you being there if we need you.”

“Yeah, of course,” he replied, following me as I opened the door into the toilets once more.

I took the glass of water from Chris and wandered over to outside of Dan’s cubicle door.

“Dan, can you open up?” I asked him, keeping my voice calm, “I’ve brought you some water.”

I heard him shuffle towards the door and begin to fumble with the lock. A good thirty seconds passed and the door was still not open.

“I can’t do it. I’m shaking too much,” his voice called out shakily, followed swiftly by some quiet sobbing noises.

“It’s okay; I have a screwdriver,” I told him, “Don’t panic.”

I reached into my pocket for the screwdriver and pulled it out. I lined it up with the screw on the lock and turned it anti-clockwise. I heard the lock on the other side move. I pushed the door gently, and sure enough it opened. Rolling the screwdriver out of the way behind me, I pushed the door open fully to see Dan sat on the floor in front of the toilet.

I walked forwards and crouched down next to him, now seeing the extent to which he was shaking. I held the glass out to him, which he took with trembling hands. I kept one hand on it as he lifted it to his mouth. A couple of sips later he lowered it to rest it on his knee.

“Dan,” I said, placing a hand on his back, slowly in case it wasn’t okay, “Would I be right in saying you made yourself throw up?”

Dan nodded quietly, a fresh batch of tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, “H-how did you k-know?”

“Let’s not think about this too much just now, but we might be soulmates,” I told him, “I feel it.”

“Wait, so every time I throw up, you know?” he asked me.

“Yep,” I replied, “I’ve known for a while what you’re doing to yourself, but why?”

“I…” Dan stuttered, “I’m fat and she kept telling me that and I had to lose weight and I’m still fat. I just can’t lose it. I’ve been doing this for months and I keep trying to date again but none of them like me and I know it’s because I’m fat. They keep looking at me and I can feel it and…”

“Shhh,” I interrupted him, “You’re not fat. And who’s this ‘she’ you speak of?”

“My ex,” he said, now crying even more.

I tried to hug him but he pushed me out of the way, leaning his head over the toilet bowl again. He retched and I heard a small splatter in the toilet bowl. I reached up to flush it for him, but in doing so, I saw there was blood in his vomit. Anyone would know that wasn’t good.

He saw it at the same time as me and started sobbing violently, clutching his stomach.

“Have you thrown up blood before?” I asked him.

Dan shook his head and continued sobbing.

“You’re going to be okay,” I told him, noticing his arms were goosebumped and rubbing my hands up and down them, “I think we should get you to a hospital though.”

“I don’t want to…” Dan started.

“You don’t really have a choice,” I interrupted, “I’m not risking losing you right after I’ve found you.”

“Chris,” I called out, turning my head towards the door, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah, Phil?” he replied.

“Can you call an ambulance? He’s bulimic and is now throwing up blood,” I asked him, “And then can you get my coat from the back room?”

“Okay,” Chris replied.

I heard his phone unlock and then and then a few seconds later, then the phone ringing. It picked up after one ring, which wasn’t a surprise given it was the emergency services. I listened to Chris ask for an ambulance, give the address of the restaurant to the operator and then explain what the problem was. He listened to the operator speak for a minute or so, before they ended the call.

“Okay, they’re on their way,” Chris told us, “The operator’s advice is for him to keep drinking water so he has something to throw up if he needs to. I’ll go get your coat now.”

“Okay, thanks Chris,” I thanked him, hearing him go to leave the toilets.

“You’re going to be okay,” I told Dan again, lifting the glass up for him, “But you heard what Chris said, you should drink some more of this.”

Trembling, Dan’s hand joined mine on the glass and we lifted it to his mouth together. He took a couple of sips before we laid it down again.

“I don’t know if I can keep it down,” Dan told me.

“Try your best, but it’s okay if you can’t,” I said, rubbing his back with my other hand.

He relaxed into me a little as we waited for Chris to return. I could tell he wasn’t really relaxed, he just didn’t have the energy to sit up properly.

“I have your coat, Phil,” Chris announced, walking back into the toilets.

“Can you bring it here?” I asked him.

I knew Dan probably wouldn’t want to be seen like this, but he was going to have to be. I certainly wasn’t going to leave him to get my coat from Chris.

“Okay,” Chris said, and barely a second later appeared around the door with my coat.

“Thanks,” I said taking it from him and draping it over Dan’s shoulders.

I watched as Chris took in Dan’s slight, trembling figure. His mouth fell open slightly in shock and I saw worry in his eyes.

“Is there anything else I can do?” he asked me.

I thought about that for a second, “Maybe go and explain to the manager what’s happening. He should know. Also make sure the paramedics know where to come.”

Before Chris could reply, Dan let out a groan and clutched his stomach. He leant over the toilet and puked again, this time really just some water with a slight pink tinge.

“I’ll go do that,” Chris responded after Dan was done, “You look after him.”

Chris left and Dan leant back into my arms.

“I just want to sleep,” he told me, “I’m so fucking tired.”

“Dan you can’t sleep; the ambulance people are going to be here any minute and we need you awake to get you out of here,” I explained, “They’ll let you sleep once they’ve fixed you up.”

Dan’s head rested on my shoulder and I saw him shut his eyes.

“Dan,” I said firmly, “You can’t sleep now. How about you tell me a little more about yourself?”

“Like what?” He asked, groaning at my attempt to keep him awake.

“How about your full name?” I suggested, “Might be useful for when we’re at the hospital.’

“Daniel James Howell,” he replied.

“I’m Philip Michael Lester,” I told him.

“How about your date of birth?”

“June the eleventh, 1991.”

I worked out that he was four years younger than me. That wasn’t too bad.

“Thirtieth of January, 1987,” I told him mine.

The next few questions I asked were more trivial, and hopefully more entertaining. They certainly kept Dan awake.

I heard a siren come to a stop outside. I think Dan noticed too as he suddenly looked very nervous.

“I’m coming with you,” I told him, “Don’t worry; you’re not doing this alone.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

That was the last of our conversation before the door opened and I heard Chris’s voice instruct, “They’re in the second cubicle.”

Seconds later, a paramedic appeared at the door. I turned my head to look at her but still kept a supporting arm around Dan.

“Okay, you’re Phil and that’s Dan, right?” she asked.

“Yep,” I confirmed.

“Right, we need to get him out of there. We have a wheelchair out here for him,” She told me. “Would I be right in saying he’s too weak to stand?”

“Yeah,” I said, glancing at Dan. I certainly didn’t see him standing in the state he was in.

“If you can lift him and carry him out here, that would probably be easiest,” she explained.

“Alright,” I nodded, turning my attention back to Dan.

“I’m going to lift you up,” I told Dan, getting myself up and into a position I could lift him from.

“O-kay,” he nodded hesitantly.

Bringing my arms underneath him, I slowly lifted him up, taking care to make it as smooth as possible. I carried him out of the cubicle to where the paramedics were waiting with a wheelchair. I lowered him into it and then fixed my jacket so it was back on his shoulders again.

Another paramedic, this one with a clipboard, started asking me questions, including Dan’s full name and date of birth. Fortunately, I remembered these from five minutes previously. The questions about his condition, I wasn’t able to answer with quite so much certainty but I told them what I knew.

Meanwhile, one of the others was giving Dan a brief examination of sorts. That came to an abrupt end when Dan pushed a hand away from his stomach. He let out a gagging sound and a bucket was promptly thrusted into his lap, however, he didn’t actually throw up. Almost instinctively, I went to rub the back of his neck. Tiredly, he rested his head against my arm.

The paramedics decided that it would be best to get him to the hospital as quick as they could. They wouldn’t tell me what they thought was wrong, just that he would be okay but might need an operation. One of the paramedics pushed the wheelchair and I walked alongside. I was glad that the toilets were relatively near the door, so we didn’t have to go past all the customers on the way out.

Chris followed us out to the ambulance.

“Phil,” he called out to me, “Are you going with him?” What about his date?”

“Yeah, I’m going,” I told him, “As for his date, I don’t think it was going too well. Don’t tell her about the bulimia part, but make sure she knows he’s gone. Also keep the bill for me - I’ll sort it out - and make sure she has a taxi home or something.”

“Okay, hope everything goes okay,” Chris said, waving to me and retreating back into the restaurant.

I climbed aboard the ambulance and the doors were shut behind me. The paramedics had Dan settled on the bed, well as settled as you could be sitting upright. Dan clutched the bucket close to him while one of the paramedics swapped my jacket for two blankets, wrapping them around him. I took a seat next to him, feeling it was the best thing to do at that moment in time. We didn’t know each other very well, but I was the most familiar face around and he needed someone to be there for him.

The ambulance got going, quickly with sirens wailing. I hoped the journey wouldn’t be too bumpy, for Dan’s sake. I had no idea how he handled cars normally, and if he got travel sick, this would be horrible for him.

“You did the right thing, trying to keep him warm,” one of the paramedics explained to me, “He doesn’t have any body fat to do that for him.”

I wrapped an arm around him, trying to help further with keeping him warm. He slumped into my side, looking grateful to have someone to lean on.

“Can I have some painkillers?” Dan asked, looking up to the paramedic, “My stomach’s killing me.”

“Sorry, we can’t give you any,” the paramedic spoke, trying to be nice about it, “If there’s damage to your stomach, which is likely given your symptoms, they’ll likely make it a lot worse.”

Dan nodded sadly, lifting his shirt up slightly and rubbing his hand tiredly over his stomach, a pained expression on his face. I longed to rub his stomach for him, but I didn’t feel our relationship was really on that level. Plus, he’d pushed the paramedic away earlier; I was guessing it was a sensitive area.

The journey to the hospital seemed remarkably quick, but I guess when you were in an ambulance you got there quicker. Dan was loaded back into the wheelchair, I put my jacket on myself and we made the journey into A&E.

Again, I was asked a number of questions about Dan, which I answered to my best ability. While this was happening, Dan was led away for an examination. I didn’t want to leave him, but it seemed didn’t have a choice in the matter. I was guided to a waiting room, where I was told I could wait for news about Dan.

I was in that waiting room for a long time. After nearly an hour I was yet to hear anything. I made my mind up that I would go up to the desk and ask.

“I’m here for Dan.. Daniel Howell,” I told the lady at the desk, “Do you have any information on how he is?”

“Umm… let me see,” the lady said thoughtfully, typing something on her keyboard, “What’s your relationship to him?”

“We’re soulmates,” I answered, the words feeling strange coming out of my mouth.

“Alright,” she said, “Currently, he’s being operated on for a stomach ulcer. That’s all I can tell you. You’ll have to wait until the doctor comes to hear the details. If all goes well they should be within half an hour to an hour.”

“Thanks,” I thanked her, trailing back over to my seat.

I was glad everything seemed to be under control. Stomach ulcers weren’t too uncommon. They were probably fairly familiar with fixing them. I hoped him being bulimic didn’t put any complications into the operation. I was getting antsy in my waiting; I had read all the vaguely interesting magazines in the place already and didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to be able to see Dan, to know he was okay.

Being worried about him was completely natural for me, but the intensity of the worry had increased ten-fold now that I had actually met him and could picture his soft features in my head. Subconsciously I tapped my fingers on my knee, only realising I was doing it when a ringing sound from my pocket brought me out of my daydreamy state.

The name, ‘Chris’ was illuminated on my screen. Without hesitating, I swiped to answer the call and lifted the phone up to my ear.

“Hi Chris,” I answered.

“Phil,” he greeted me, “Are you still at the hospital? What’s happening with the guy? I’ve just finished my shift so I thought I would call you to see what’s going on.”

“Yeah, I’m at the hospital,” I told him, “In a waiting room at the moment. I don’t really know a lot other than he is currently in an operation for a stomach ulcer.”

“Okay,” Chris said, “Do you know when you’ll hear anything else? Do you want me to come and keep you company for a bit? Bring you anything?”

“They’re saying in half an hour to an hours time,” I told him, “And no I’ll be fine by myself. One thing though… are you still at the restaurant?”

“Yeah, I’m in the cloakroom at the moment, just waiting for some of the others; what is it?” he asked me.

“Okay, Dan had a jacket with him earlier… on the chair at his table. Do you know where it is?” I asked him, “I’m guessing it probably has his phone or keys or something in it and he might need them.”

“Yeah, it’s currently hanging on your hook in here,” Chris told me, “I put it there earlier because I didn’t know what else to do with it.”

“Any chance you could bring that to the hospital?” I asked him, “I doubt he’ll be going home tonight, but we might need to call his parents to let them know what’s happening, for instance.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there,” he told me, “Where are you? The A&E waiting room?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I told him, “See you soon.”

I slid my phone back into my pocket and looked at the clock, seeing how long it had been since I spoke to the lady at the desk. Only fifteen minutes.

It took another fifteen for Chris to turn up, but it felt like forever. Seeing his cheery face walking through the doors of the waiting room saved me from the pit of boredom I had fallen into. He had what I recognised to be Dan’s jacket slung over one arm and a plastic carrier bag in the other.

“Here’s his jacket,” Chris said, handing me the article of clothing.

I took it, noticing how it was thick, like a ski jacket. At first one might’ve thought that as odd, since it was still summer, but I could put two and two together with paramedics comments about him getting cold easily. I felt a bit nosey doing it, but I had a look to see what Dan had in his pockets. Sure enough, there were his keys, phone and wallet, but also a packet of unmarked pills. I hoped they were simply aspirin or something; I’d have to ask him later.

“Thanks,” I said, looking back up to Chris.

“I stopped off and bought you some snacks on the way here,” Chris said, gesturing to the shopping back, “Just a sandwich, some chocolate and a drink. I thought you might be hungry and well, I don’t know how long you’re planning to stay here.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the food from him, “I was starting to feel a little peckish actually; it’s been a while since I ate dinner. As for how long I’m staying, I don’t really know - I’ll see how he is when he’s out of surgery.”

“Alright, well make sure you go home and get some sleep at some point,” he recommended.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I will,” I told him, opening up the sandwich, “I’m going to ask for tomorrow off though. I’m not letting him go through this on his own. How did the rest of the evening go at the restaurant, anyway?”

While I ate my sandwich, Chris started to explain the goings on at the restaurant over the rest of the evening.

“I’ve kept their bill for you and I’ve made sure the manager knows what’s going on with that. I’m not sure how she got there but I got Dan’s date a taxi home. She did seem a tiny bit concerned, but I think that was put on. Oh and the manager knows why you went with him; he’s completely understanding and said he’ll give any days off if you need them at the moment,” Chris told me.

“Okay, that’s good,” I replied to him, continuing to eat the sandwich.

Chris and I continued talking for a while after I had finished the sandwich. I was secretly glad he had come to keep me company. Waiting rooms were pretty boring places in general. It would have been different if I’d been in the actual A&E waiting area, waiting to get a broken arm seen to or something, but this place was just a few slightly worried looking family members.

“Anyone here for Daniel Howell?” a voice sounded suddenly from a doctor stood next to the desk.

I stood up quickly and headed towards the desk to hear the news.

“I’m Doctor Steven Shepherd,” he introduced himself, “You are?”

“Phil Lester, Dan’s soulmate,” I told him.

“Alright, you can come with me,” he said gesturing me through the door.

Quickly I mouthed a thanks to Chris and waved to him. He’d said to me he’d go when I got taken to hear about Dan.

“So,” Doctor Shepherd started, “We’ve operated on Dan for a stomach ulcer. The procedure went more or less to plan and he’s now in recovery, so you can see him. He has stitches in his stomach and will most likely be in some pain when he wakes up, but we’ll sort that out. We’ll discuss the rest of his recovery plan when he wakes up, because as I’m sure you’re aware, he is anorexic.”

“Uh-huh,” I nodded, taking in the doctor’s words, “Sorry, but what do you mean by more or less?”

“Ahh, nothing to worry about. It’s all sorted out, he just won’t be able to eat for a day or two as he needs to heal,” he told me.

“Okay,” I nodded, “You have him on like a drip or something though, yeah?”

“Yes we do,” Doctor Shepherd confirmed, “He’s very underweight so it’s very necessary.”

We stopped outside a door to a ward.

“Daniel is in here,” Doctor Shepherd told me, “He’s not awake yet but we thought you might like to be there for him when he wakes. He may be a little confused at first, that’s completely normal when waking up after an operation. Also he has stitches in his stomach, just so you’re aware.”

“Okay,” I nodded, taking in the information.

The doctor pushed the door open and followed me in. Immediately I spotted Dan in the closest bed on the right. The other three beds in the room were currently unoccupied. Moving a little closer, I could see the oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth and two pipes, one in his hand and the other in his stomach. The duvet was only half covering him, presumably to give access to the pipes. His uncovered arm looked cold, goosebumps covering his skin and his fine arm hair sticking up. The hospital gown he was wearing had short sleeves.

“He looks cold,” I spoke up, worriedly.

“He probably is,” the doctor confirmed, “He has very little body fat to keep him warm. The duvet’s all we can do at the moment. Until he’s awake, we need easy access to the pipes.”

“Alright,” I said, “Can I stay here with him?”

“Yes, of course,” he said, “I’ll be popping in and out and so will the nurses. If there’s any problems just press that button and that’ll call one of us to help.”

This last bit he said pointing to a button next to Dan’s bed.

“And feel free to hold his hand. Just be super careful around the pipes,” he said.

“Alright,” I nodded, “Thank you.”

Doctor Shepherd smiled at me and left the room. Pulling a chair up next to Dan’s bed, I thought about his last comment. Should I hold Dan’s hand? I’d only just met him, so would that be weird? But then, being soulmates, it was going to happen sometime anyway. I tried to envisage myself in his situation; I would be bloody terrified. With that, I made my decision and gently slid my hand underneath his, wrapping my fingers over onto the top.

In holding his hand, I noticed a couple of things about it. Firstly, it was absolutely freezing, to the extent I was surprised his fingers weren’t going blue. Secondly, I could see pink scarring around his knuckles. It took me a minute to work out where that had come from. He had made himself throw up so often, that the skin over his knuckled had been damaged by his front teeth. I softly ran my hand over the marks, wondering if they hurt.

For five minutes, I sat, Dan’s hand between my own, wondering how long it would be until he woke. He suddenly let out a groaning sound, alerting me he was waking up. He started trying to move his hand towards his stomach, so I held it a little tighter.

“Hey Dan,” I spoke softly, “Don’t touch your stomach at the moment, okay?”

“But it fucking hurts,” he mumbled, sleepily, cracking open his eyes and peering out at me.

“It’ll hurt more if you touch it,” I told him. “You remember you had an operation, right? You have stitches.”

“I know,” he groaned, “Can you like get me painkillers?”

“Your doctor said that he and the nurses will be in and out,” I told him, “We’ll ask one of them if there’s anything you can have.”

“Okay,” he agreed, “There better be.”

Dan looked up at me, wordlessly. I felt his eyes wander over me, presumably taking in my appearance. It was the first moment we’d had since we met, where he wasn’t either being sick or looking like he was going to be sick.

“So we’re soulmates, then?” he asked, “To be honest, I thought my soulmate died years ago. I haven’t felt you being sick since I was like… eight?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve thrown up since I was twelve or something,” I explained, “Sorry if that had you worried, I just don’t get sick easily.”

“Okay, that explains it,” he yawned, shifting around in discomfort.

“Apart from your stomach hurting a lot, obviously, are you feeling a bit better?” I asked him, giving his hand a little squeeze.

“Yeah.. I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up constantly now,” he told me.

“That’s good,” I commented, “I knew when you were throwing up blood that something was wrong, and you had practically no energy whatsoever.”

“Yeah.. umm… thanks for helping me and getting your friend to call an ambulance and everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t come to my rescue, probably died there,” he said, choking up slightly on his last few words.

“It’s okay, you’re okay now,” I told him, lifting one of my hands to brush away a tear that I’d spotted running down his cheek, “Don’t worry about what could’ve happened, it’s not going to now.”

“I.. I only wanted to throw up that desert. I couldn’t gain any more weight. But… but then the blood happened and I didn’t know it could and now what if it happens again sometime and no one’s there to help?” he asked, now crying properly.

“Dan, it’s not going to happen again,” I reminded him, “You need to believe that. And if it does, I’m going to be there. I’ll help you through this.”

“Really?” he asked, letting out another sob.

“Yes, I promise,” I told him, “I’m going to help you get better.”

“But..” he started.

“Whatever it is, don’t worry about it,” I shushed him, wiping some more tears from his face.

“Is everything alright?” A nurse spoke up from the door, “I heard crying, do you need anything?”

“He’s in quite a bit of pain,” I told the nurse, “Is there some kind of painkiller he can have?”

The nurse wandered over and took a look at the notes on Dan at the end of the bed, “Let me see… Right, I’ll go and fetch Doctor Shepherd and see what he says.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled feebly as she left the room.

Barely a minute later the nurse returned with Doctor Shepherd, who was carrying some injection equipment with him. He laid it down on a nearby table before coming over to talk to Dan.

“Before I give you anything for the pain, I’d like to check up on the stitches,” he explained to Dan, “And make sure I don’t need to change the dressing yet.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, “Can Phil stay?”

“Yes, that’s fine,” he said, moving to draw the curtains around the bed for a little more privacy.

“You’re not too squeamish or anything, are you?” he asked me.

“No, I’m fine,” I told him.

The doctor lifted the duvet down out of his way. I noticed Dan shiver as it went away, looking at it forlornly.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get it back soon,” the doctor said, chuckling slightly at his expression.

He then lifted up Dan’s gown, revealing everything south of his nipples. I got a bit of a shock, half-expecting him to be wearing underwear underneath. I only glanced briefly at what he had down there, not wanting my eyes to linger too long in the wrong places. I wanted our relationship to build as naturally as it could and I also didn’t want him to feel self-conscious.

He carefully peeled back the dressing that covered most of Dan’s stomach, doing it at an angle that neither of us could see clearly what was underneath.

“Okay, that’s all looking good,” he said and I let out a small sigh of relief.

He stuck the dressing back down and then pulled Dan’s gown back down so his private parts were covered once more. Dan glanced up at me with a worried, hesitant look in his eyes. I didn’t know quite what was bothering him, I was guessing he was worried what I thought about his body so I just replied with a small smile. His worried expression then seemed to disappear.

“I think a moderate dose of morphine will be best for you,” Doctor Shepherd explained, walking over to the injection stuff he had brought, “That okay with you?”

“Yep,” Dan agreed, “Anything to stop this hurting so much.”

Doctor Shepherd started preparing the injection, meanwhile explaining a few of the more normal side effects - that he may feel tired, confused or possibly have hallucinations, among others.

“You ready?” he asked, coming over to Dan’s side with the needle.

“Give me a second,” Dan said, seeing the needle and biting his lip.

“Okay,” he said, taking a deep breath and squeezing my hand tightly.

“You need to relax,” the doctor told him, “It won’t hurt much.”

Dan took another shaky breath and loosened his grip on my hand.

“That’s much better,” Doctor Shepherd said, lining up the injection and quickly injecting it before Dan tensed up again.

Dan let out a small yelp, but soon relaxed once the needle was out of him and a ball of cotton wool was being held to the site. Doctor Shepherd asked me to take over holding the cotton wool as he went to safely dispose of the needle.

It took a while for the medicine to have any effect. At first, he was still complaining about the pain, but eventually it gave way to him acting a little strange and not complaining.

“What’s this pipe do?” Dan asked, pointing to the pipe going into his stomach.

“It’s currently feeding you, while your stomach recovers,” Doctor Shepherd explained.

“I don’t want any fucking food,” Dan said angrily, pulling his hand out of mine and in the direction of the tube. “I’m fat enough, I’m trying to lose weight, not gain it.”

I managed to grab his hands before he did any damage, “Stop.”

“Mr Howell, you are severely underweight. We can’t have you losing any more,” the doctor told him, “You could die if you take that out and we don’t want that.”

“Oh,” Dan said, sounding sad.

“Dan, you need to keep it in. It’s important, okay?” I told him, “It’ll make you feel better.”

“Okay,” Dan said woozily.

“You sound tired,” I told him, “Do you want to sleep?”

“Hmmm… yeah, I am tired,” he replied, looking at me, “If I sleep, will you still be here when I wake up?”

Dan was almost giving me puppy eyes with this question, silently begging me to stay. It was hard not to give in and promise I would say.

“As much as I’d like to, I need to go home and sleep too,” I told him, “I’ll come back tomorrow though. Will that be okay?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he replied.

“One last thing before you go to sleep… who do you live with?” I asked him, needing to know if there was someone we should be calling to say he wouldn’t be home.

“Myself,” he replied, confused, “I live alone. Why?”

“That’s fine,” I said, “Just checking we didn’t need to call anyone to say you won’t be home tonight.”

“Ahh,” Dan mumbled, “Can I sleep now?”

“Yep,” I replied, “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Sleep well.”

I sat silently for a few minutes until I was satisfied Dan was asleep. The morphine had been making him act strange for the last little while, so sleeping it off was probably a good thing. He looked peaceful in his sleep; I hoped he would heal up quickly. I wanted to help him get onto the road to recovery as soon as we could.

As Doctor Shepherd was still in the ward, I decided to speak to him before I left.

“I’m going to go home and get some sleep myself,” I told him, keeping my voice quiet. “Can I leave you a note of my number just in case anything happens?”

“Yeah, follow me out to the desk; we’ll get some paper,” he said to me, beckoning me to follow him out the ward.

Making sure I had Dan’s jacket and my own with me, I followed him to this desk, where he handed me a piece of paper and a pen. I scribbled down my name and wrote my number very neatly under it.

“Just so you know, we expect to keep Dan here for at least a couple of days,” he told me. “Two days after surgery is how long he should be able to eat again, but it all depends on how willing he is to help himself. Once he can eat solid food again, we should be able to release him. Now we recommend sending him to a rehabilitation centre that specialises in eating disorders, but that’s up to you, him and his family. If you decide to care for him at home, he will need a lot of patience and attention to recover, and regular outpatient appointments and check-ups. I’m telling you this now so you have time to decide what’s best for him.”

“Okay,” I said, taking in all of what he’d said, “I’ll have a think about it and discuss it with him tomorrow.”

I said goodbye to Doctor Shepherd, left the hospital and found myself a taxi to take me home. In the cab, I thought through the doctor’s words. What would be best for Dan? Would his mum take care of him? I didn’t know her so I had no idea. Could I look after him? Did I know him well enough for that? Would going to this rehabilitation centre actually do him any good or would he do better in the care of loved ones? It was a lot to think about.

When the cab pulled up outside my flat, I payed the driver and let myself in, tiredly climbing the seemingly endless stairs to my floor. I put both Dan and I’s phones on charge, before putting on some pyjamas and getting into bed. It had been a long day and I needed the sleep.


	2. Hospital Days are Difficult Times

**Phil's POV:**

The next morning, I woke up around eleven. The nice thing about being a waiter was that I could have a long lie whenever I wanted, because I didn’t work until the evening. However, today, I wasn’t going to work. I had more important things, or rather, people to deal with. Dan.

I ate some breakfast, had a shower, got dressed in casual clothes and then phoned my boss. He was fine about the whole situation, especially with Chris having explained it to him yesterday. It was nice to have a boss who was concerned about such things as your soulmate’s health.

Once that phonecall was out of the way, I got myself ready to head to the hospital to see Dan. I made sure I had Dan’s phone as well as my own, I’d brought it home with me last night because it only had thirteen percent battery and there was no way that would still be there in the morning. I also took my spare charger and a pair of headphones, knowing he would probably appreciate the entertainment for when I couldn’t be there.

I left Dan’s jacket in my flat, knowing from Doctor Shepherd’s words yesterday that he wouldn’t be going home today. I made my way down to the car park and got into my car, glad that yesterday had been such a nice day that I’d walked to work.

Once at the hospital, my day seemed to fly by, just talking to Dan. He was pretty much bed-bound and well, we had to get to know each other at some point. Being soulmates, we were pretty much destined to be together for life, and I wanted to start things the right way. I wanted to be friends with him first, before starting with any romantic advances.

Dan’s condition was a lot more stable than the previous evening. His dose of morphine had been reduced now that he was starting to heal, and as a result he was acting a bit more sensible. He had accepted the fact he was being drip fed and no longer wanted to pull it out. At one point he was even sitting up in his bed and he seemed happy. However, there was an important conversation to be had, about who was going to help him recover.

“Dan, Doctor Shepherd had a conversation with me last night before I left,” I started, when it seemed an appropriate time to bring it up.

“Y-yeah? W-what did h-he say?” Dan asked, his tone immediately worried.

“Hey, don’t worry, it’s nothing bad,” I said, rubbing his hand, which again, I was holding. “You know you’re going to be in here for at least a couple of days. It’s where you go after that he was talking to me about.”

“I just want to go home,” he told me, “Please don’t make me go to some therapy centre.”

“I’m not going to make you,” I told him, shuffling my chair a little closer, “He does recommend it, but like you, I’m not sure it’ll be best for you. And what do you mean in terms of ‘home’? Is that your parents house?”

“No, no. I can’t tell them about this,” he spoke hurriedly, “Just back to my flat, I guess.”

“What about staying at mine for a bit?” I suggested, “It’s probably best you have someone else around at the moment.”

“Okay,” he agreed, “Thank you.”

“It’s alright,” I told him, getting up and carefully giving him a hug.

I told Doctor Shepherd of our decision. He didn’t seem too bothered that we hadn’t gone with his recommendation, though he did take me away for a chat about looking after Dan. I was to do my best to get him to eat five small meals a day, but not worry if he didn’t manage that. He recommended picking out healthy foods as Dan would feel less bad about eating them. I was also to make sure he didn’t go to the bathroom alone after eating. He gave me a pamphlet of advice on the matter, complete with a phone number for any enquiries.

He told me that they would try and start Dan on water and soup tomorrow, and if all went well, he could go home the day after or the day after that. Dan fell asleep earlier than he had the previous day, and I again took that as my cue to go home myself.

—

The next day started much like the previous; I got up, ate, showered, called my boss to check I could have the day off and then made my way to the hospital.

Dan was already up when I got there. He was sitting up in his bed, but didn’t look too happy, one arm wrapped around his stomach.

“Hey,” I greeted him, “Are you okay? Do you need me to find a doctor?”

“No,” he replied, looking really uncomfortable, “I just really need to take a shit but I’m not allowed to go to the toilet alone and I can’t do it when they’re there.”

“Would it be any easier if it was me there instead of some random nurse?” I asked him, thinking that if I were in that situation, I might rather have someone I know there instead, “I can ask if I can take you instead.”

“Could you?” he asked.

“Yeah, of course,” I said, getting up to go find someone who I could check this was okay with, “I’ll be right back.”

I found a nurse fairly quickly, who I asked about the situation. She told me it was fine for me to accompany him to the toilet, as long as I made sure the doctor was told of any concerns. She made sure his drips were correctly on the stand and that we remembered to take it with us.

One arm around Dan for support, I guided him to the toilet, a bathroom just off the ward. He could stand on his own, he just seemed a little weak to be going unsupported. I shut the door and locked it behind us, as there was another patient in the ward today. He got himself sat down on the toilet, while I hung around at the other end of the bathroom, not wanting to make this anymore awkward than it already was for him.

“Dan,” I spoke up after about five minutes of nothing, “Is this still too awkward? Do you think you’re constipated? Do you need me to get someone?”

“No, no, I just need a minute. I’m not constipated, I’m practically holding it in,” he told me.

“Dan, please just go, holding it isn’t good for you,” I told him, “I’m not going to judge you for the sound or the smell or anything, don’t worry about it.”

I turned away, giving him a bit more privacy, and making myself a bit more comfortable. We were soulmates, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see his poop face. I kept myself turned around until I heard the toilet flush. It hadn’t sounded like the best dump in history, in fact it sounded a little watery, but then he had been drip fed for the last two days.

“You okay?” I asked him, slowly turning around to see he was now standing by the sink, about to wash his hands.

“I think so,” he replied, cringing, “Sorry for scarring you with that, I wasn’t expecting such a… deluge.”

“It’s alright, we’ve all been there,” I told him truthfully, “Honestly, don’t worry about it.”

“Do you think it’s because of this thing?” he asked, pointing to the stand with his drips on it.

“Probably,” I replied, “We can ask the doctor though, if you’re worried about it.”

“Yeah, that might be an idea,” he said, now shaking the drips of his hands and drying them.

“Are you feeling a bit better now?” I asked him, “You really didn’t look good when I came in.”

“Yeah… I no longer feel like I’m about to shit myself of have my stomach explode,” he told me, laughing slightly.

“That’s good,” I said, “We should probably get you back to bed though.”

“Hmmm,” Dan replied, “Yeah.”

Carefully putting my arm around him again, we left the bathroom and nearly bumped into Doctor Shepherd.

“Everything alright?” he asked, “I was just coming to see if Dan wanted to try and drink some water, but he wasn’t there. Did he have a bowel movement or do we need to get him something for constipation?”

“Umm, yeah, about that,” I started, “He wasn’t constipated, just a little shy. So yeah, he’s been now.”

“It was kinda watery,” Dan admitted, his cheeks turning bright red in embarrassment.

“Don’t worry, that’s completely normal,” Doctor Shepherd butted in, before he said anything more, “You did the right thing to tell me though. Any concerns, just say. I’m going to get a nurse to come along in a couple of minutes with some water for you.”

I helped Dan back up onto the bed, and pulled the duvet up to his shoulders. I’d noticed he was shivering after the trip to the toilet; I hoped the duvet was warm enough.

A couple of minutes after Doctor Shepherd, a nurse came in with a cup of water and a small cardboard sick bowl. She handed them to Dan, who begrudgingly pulled his hands out from under the duvet to take them.

“Okay, start with small sips,” she told him, “You shouldn’t need to the bowl, that’s just a precaution.”

Dan slowly lifted the cup to his lips. I could imagine his mouth and throat were very dry; as far as I knew this was the first time he’d had anything to drink since the other night. He took a very small sip and swallowed it, hesitating for a minute before going back for another. It took a while, but eventually he had drunk the whole cup and was none the worse of it. Satisfied that Dan was successfully keeping the water down, the nurse left and went back to one of her other duties.

When it got to lunchtime, I left Dan alone for fifteen minutes and bought myself a sandwich from one of the hospital cafes. I ate it there, feeling that it maybe wasn’t a good idea to eat it next to Dan. I’d let the doctor decide what food he saw at the moment.

That evening, Dan was brought a small plate of soup. With a little encouragement from me and the nurse, he got through about half of it, before casting it to the side, saying he felt a little sick. He sat clutching the cardboard sick bowl for the best part of an hour, but he managed to keep it down.

When I left later that night, Dan looked a little better. It might’ve been my imagination, or the light playing tricks on me, but his cheeks were glowing slightly. Unable to resist, I leant down and pressed my lips to his cheek.

—

The third morning I went to see Dan in hospital started much like the previous two; however this time I took Dan’s jacket with me. I wouldn’t know until later in the day, but there was a chance that he would get discharged today.

I was worried at first when I walked into the ward; the doctor was at one side of the bed and a nurse at the other. It was only when I got closer that I realised they were there for a good reason. Dan had a quarter of a slice of buttered toast in one hand and two quarters left on a plate on his lap. The sick bowl was still on hand, just in case, but it was becoming apparent that he was doing well with keeping food down.

I sat down in my usual place and joined the other two in watching Dan eat the toast. He didn’t finish it, but again, it was progress. The nurse took away his plate when he announced himself finished, leaving just the doctor an us.

“If lunch and dinner go down okay, we might let him home tonight,” Doctor Shepherd told me, “We’ll need to check up on his weight and make sure the stitches are looking alright, but it’s all looking good at the moment.”

I thanked the doctor as he went away, leaving me with Dan.

“How’re you feeling this morning?” I asked him.

“Alright actually,” he replied, “Like I’m a bit achy, but that’s to be expected.”

“You ready to get out of here, then?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I’m sick of this place, like if you weren’t here I would have died of boredom,” he told me. “I can’t wait wear something other than this fucking  _dress_. Wait you’re gonna let me wear normal clothes, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” I said, laughing at his comment, “Pyjamas all day if you like; that’s what I do.”

“Great,” he replied smiling, “And you said you like video games… what all do you have? Can I play them with you?”

“Mario Kart, Halo, Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword and Twilight Princess, Sims,” I listed, “Minecraft, Just Dance.. You’re maybe not quite fit for that one at the moment but I have a reasonable selection.”

“Wow, those are good,” he said, “I’m looking forward to seeing your flat actually.”

“Well if all goes well, you’ll be sleeping there tonight,” I reminded him, “We’ll stop off at yours on the way to grab you some clothes and stuff though. Oh, while I remember, how are you with sharing a bed? I’m fine sleeping on the sofa, but if you want, we could just share?”

“I’d like that, actually,” he admitted, “That’s not weird is it? I just feel like we’re close enough already that it’s okay.”

“I feel the same way,” I told him, “I’m guessing it’s a soulmates thing.”

When I bought my lunch, I took it up to Dan’s ward so I could eat with him. He had a sandwich too, but his was about as plain as you could get: white bread with ham. As he finished the last bite, I felt pretty proud, he was getting somewhere. A while after he’d eaten, Doctor Shepherd and a nurse came to disconnect him from the drip. They’d decided that as he was now eating, it was no longer necessary for his survival.

Dinner didn’t quite go so well. Dan was given a plate of macaroni cheese, which he immediately turned his nose up at.

“I don’t like macaroni cheese,” he said to me and the nurse who was supervising.

“You really do need to eat some of it,” the nurse told him.

Looking at it with great distaste, Dan filled the spoon with the pasta and hesitantly lifted it into his mouth. He chewed it slowly and then when he was about to swallow, he suddenly let out a gagging sound and leant forward to spit it out into the sick bowl, puking a tiny bit too.

He pushed the plate of pasta away from him and held onto the sick bowl, tears now running down his face.

“Does this mean I won’t be able to go home now?” He asked, his voice reflecting the tears on his face. “I tried… I tried to eat it but I just couldn’t. How can anyone eat that stuff? It’s rank.”

I got up to try and comfort him a little, wrapping an arm around him and brushing his hair from where it had fallen in front of his eyes.

“Can you get Doctor Shepherd, please?” I asked the nurse, still being polite even though she had forced Dan to eat the macaroni.

“Okay,” she said, leaving the ward to do so.

“I don’t want to stay here any longer,” Dan cried, sobbing louder now the nurse was gone, “And they’re gonna make me now, aren’t they?”

“No one’s said that,” I told him, “We’ll see what happens. I’ll do my best to make sure you can still get home tonight.”

“Thanks,” he sniffed, turning his head to hide his face in my side.

Dan still had his face buried in my side five minutes later, when Doctor Shepherd walked into the room. I gently pushed Dan away from me so he could turn and speak to the doctor. He had with him a clean sick bowl and a plate with a sandwich on it.

“Do you think you could manage this instead?” he asked, placing the plate on Dan’s lap and swapping the bowls, “Sorry about the macaroni cheese.”

“I’ll try,” Dan sniffed, lifting the sandwich to his mouth.

“Take your time,” I told him, not wanting him to rush.

Dan looked a lot happier after he had finished the sandwich and Doctor Shepherd also looked pleased with him. Dan took a drink of water and looked up at the doctor.

“Am I allowed to go home tonight?” he asked, giving the doctor pleading eyes.

“I think so,” he said, “As long as you promise to continue doing well with your eating. I’ll need to give you a final check-up though before you go.”

Doctor Shepherd’s final check up involved checking up on Dan’s stitches and changing the dressing, getting him to walk across the room and back unsupported, but with me at his side as a precaution and finally, taking him to a set of scales to weigh him.

We left Dan to fill in some paperwork so that the doctor could speak to me in private. He told me how to check up on Dan’s stitches, that they were not to get wet, and that if there were any concerns, just to bring him back in. The main reason he had taken me away from Dan was to tell me about his weight. When he had come in he was weighing just under fifty kilograms, which was quite underweight for his height, Now he was just over fifty. Getting him back over sixty-five would be ideal, but that would take a while. I was to keep track of his weight, to make sure he kept gaining it, little by little.

Doctor Shepherd handed me a piece of paper, saying that Dan had an appointment a week from now, to get his stitches taken out. He also handed me two boxes of pills, telling me the dose that Dan would have to take each morning. We then returned to Dan, who had now finished filling out the paperwork that would allow him to leave.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Doctor Shepherd announced, “One he’s dressed, all you need to do is sign him out and then you’re free to go.”

“Thank you,” I thanked him as he turned to leave the ward.

I shut the curtains around Dan’s bed. There wasn’t anyone else in the ward at the moment, but the door had a window in it and I was sure he’d appreciate hanging on to some of his dignity. I lifted his clothes from where I’d spotted they were being stored - in his bedside table and sat them on the bed next to him. What I hadn’t realised was that his t-shirt wasn’t there; I hadn’t really thought about that, but it had probably had puke all over it.

“It looks like your t-shirt, wasn’t worth saving,” I told him, “But do you want to put your boxers and jeans back on at least?”

“Yeah, umm, could you maybe get them past my feet?” he asked. “I can’t quite bend that far at the moment.”

“Oh right, yeah sure,” I replied, grabbing first his underwear, and then his jeans and helping pull them up past his knees.

“Thanks Phil,” he said, buttoning up his jeans, “Honestly, you’re amazing for helping me so much.”

“It’s alright,” I told him, “I’d be overridden with worry if I wasn’t. Do you just want to put your jacket on since you don’t have a t-shirt?”

“Yeah, that would be good,” he said, pulling the hospital gown over his head, “Thanks for looking after that for me. Didn’t I leave it at the restaurant?”

“Yeah, my friend Chris kept it safe in one of the back rooms and then brought it here the other night,” I explained.

I handed Dan the jacket and watched as he put it on, zipping it up carefully to avoid catching his dressing in the zip.

“Are you going to be warm enough?” I asked him. “I could give you my jumper.”

“I’ll be fine. This jacket is pretty thick,” he reminded me, “And do you have a car or are we getting a taxi or what?”

“I’ve got my car here,” I told him, “It’s not far from the door.”

“Okay, great,” he said happily, “Could you possibly help with my shoes?”

It was actually surprisingly difficult, but I managed to put Dan’s shoes on for him. He decided not to bother with socks; that would be a whole new level of difficulty. I gave him a hand up and then brought him into a hug. It was snug, but not too tight; I was careful not to put any unnecessary pressure on his stomach.

“You good to go?” I mumbled to him.

“Yep,” he replied, nuzzling his face into my shoulder.

I held him there for a minute before releasing the embrace, picking up his hand instead and intertwining my fingers with his. We took the lift down to the ground floor; he would need his energy for the stairs up to my flat later. Signing out was a relatively easy process, and soon enough, we were walking out into the car park. It was getting dark outside, and the heat of the day had left a chilly breeze in it’s wake.

Once Dan was comfortable in my car, I started the engine and began making my way towards the car park’s exit. I was being extra careful to look out for cars reversing out of their spaces, as I did not want to have to slam the brakes on. When we got out onto the road, I got Dan to give me directions to his flat. I was surprised to find that he didn’t live that far from me and I’d never seen him around before. On the other hand, I never did really go anywhere apart from work and maybe one coffee shop.

Taking the keys from his coat pocket, Dan let us into the building. We immediately headed towards the lift. I didn’t know what floor he was on, but I could see he wouldn’t want to climb the stairs if he didn’t have to.

“I’m on the eighth floor,” he told me as he went to press the button for his floor, “I am so unfit that the stairs are a big struggle. I’ve been trying to get fitter recently though, going for runs and actually attempting the stairs.”

I didn’t really know how to reply to that. It was obvious that this extra exercise had been doing the opposite of helping, as he hadn’t been eating enough along with it.

“You made the right choice today,” I told him, “You need to get some of your strength back before you go doing any exercise.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I know now that I wasn’t going about that the right way. I just kept telling myself that the exercise would help. I didn’t know…”

Dan trailed off, obviously unsure where to continue with what he was saying. Instead, he sniffed and turned to hide his face in his hands.

“Hey,” I approached him, bringing my arms around him from behind, “It’s okay. It’s okay to cry about it, everyone needs to cry sometimes, but I promise you’re going to get better.”

“Thanks,” he replied, turning round to burrow his face in my chest instead.

I watched the counter go up as we progressed up the building. Five, six, seven. The lift slowed down a little as it approached it. It came to a stop, bouncing slightly and letting out a ‘ping’. Dan pulled himself away from me as the doors opened, but I kept one arm around him.

There were four or five flats on Dan’s floor. As he was fumbling with his keys to unlock his door, a fairly old lady emerged out of the flat next door. She looked fairly pleasant, so I smiled at her. Dan eventually managed to unlock his door and turned round to see who was there.

“Oh, hi Sharon,” Dan greeted her, forcing a small smile onto his face.

“Hello Daniel, how are you?” she asked, “I haven’t heard you around the last few days.”

“I’m alright,” he told her, not giving her any insight into his last couple of days’ activity, “Oh and this is Phil.”

“Hi,” I said, again giving her a pleasant smile.

“Soulmate?” she asked. It was quite presumptuous, but there were some people who could just tell.

Dan and I nodded in sync.

“I’m just spending some time at his place,” Dan explained, using a half-truth to explain where he’d been. “We’re just here to get some of my stuff.”

“Alright, well I’ll leave you to it,” she replied, “I’m just popping out to Tesco for some teabags; do you need anything?”

“I’m good thanks,” Dan told her, straining to keep up the smile.

“It’s been nice to meet you,” I told her, hoping to round off the conversation as Dan seemed a bit uncomfortable.

We said goodbye and she toddled off towards the lift. Dan had now had the door to his flat open for at least a minute. I followed him inside and once the door shut behind us, Dan let out a sigh of relief.

“She is too nice for her own good,” Dan groaned, “Like I really like her, she’s an amazing neighbour and all, but she’s just verging on being nosy.”

“You didn’t want her to know you’d been in hospital then?” I questioned him. “You know, I’m sure she would look out for you if anything happened.”

“Yeah.. I know she would be nice about it, but I just don’t want to have to explain everything,” Dan sighed, “Oh god, I’m exhausted.”

“Do you want to just stay here for the night?” I asked him, “I don’t mind.”

“No, I want to see your place. Also, I think I need a break from here. A lot of ‘memories’ happened here and I think I really need to take a step away from those,” he said, shuddering at the word ‘memories’.

“With your ex-girlfriend?” I asked him hesitantly, not wanting to step over any boundaries.

“Y-yeah,” he replied, “She.. each time we had sex, she would tell me I needed to lose weight, and I tried, I really did, but it was just never good enough. T-then one time she caught me binge eating some of her doughnuts, and.. and she was really moody that day and she shouted and I shouted back and.. and she… she h-hit m-me and then left, telling me it was over and she never wanted to see me again.”

By the end of his explanation, Dan was a shaking, blubbering wreck. Hesitantly, I approached him, worried in case the memories would cause him anxiety about being touched.

“Can I touch you?” I asked him.

He nodded, and I brought my arms around him again. I muttered as many consoling things as I could and then pressed my lips to his hairline. I held him there for a while, until he started to take control again.

“I… I’m glad we broke up now,” he told me, “I don’t even know why I tried to date. I should’ve known it was going to end badly. Sorry, I should go pack some stuff.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, “Take your time. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

“Let’s go to my room,” Dan said, escaping my embrace, but taking my hand to have me follow.

“Sorry it’s a bit messy,” Dan said, opening the door to a medium-sized room containing an unmade bed, a wardrobe and a fair few piles of stuff, “I wasn’t expecting… I would’ve tidied it if I could.”

“It’s alright,” I laughed, “I don’t mind.”

“Okay, umm, I should get some stuff out,” Dan said, glancing at his wardrobe, “Any idea how long I should pack for?”

“Maybe like a week?” I suggested, “It doesn’t really matter; I don’t live far away so we can always come back and get anything you need.”

“Alright,” Dan said, opening a drawer and pulling out some underwear, “Oh could you maybe get the suitcase down from on top of the wardrobe?”

“Sure,” I said, heading over to the wardrobe. I was silently relieved that he’d accepted he shouldn’t be doing difficult tasks like that.

After standing on my tip-toes and grabbing the suitcase, I carefully lowered it to the floor. I unzipped it and left it open so Dan could chuck stuff in.

“Anything else I can help with?” I asked.

“I think my laptop charger might be in the living room,” he said, “If you can find it that would be great. My laptop’s kinda dead after leaving it on for three days.”

I left Dan alone in his room and went to his flat’s living room. It didn’t take me long to find the charger; all laptop chargers look more or less the same. I didn’t take the time to look around as I didn’t want to leave him alone for too long. I was a little worried after his earlier outburst about his ex. Learning she’d been abusive as well as just plain mean was an extra punch to the stomach. I wished that that hadn’t happened to him, but I couldn’t change the past. I’d just have to do my best to make the future better, show him how loveable he is.

Re-entering Dan’s room, I found him holding up two pairs of skinny jeans, probably contemplating which to bring.

“Dan,” I spoke softly, not wanting to give him a fright, “Just bring what’s comfortable, like joggies or something. You’re not going anywhere just yet, you don’t need to dress well.”

“Alright,” he said, putting them back and pulling out a pair of joggies and a hoodie instead.

Eventually Dan had his stuff packed: laptop, comfy clothes, underwear, pyjamas, a wash bag. When we were sure he had anything, I zipped up his suitcase and we headed to his front door, me pulling it behind us.

“You ready to go?” I asked him, taking his hand with my free hand.

“Yep,” he replied, squeezing my hand back.

We left Dan’s flat, he locked the door, we made the journey back down in the lift, walked back to my car and in less than ten minutes, we were drawing up outside my building. Leaving my car in my designated space, I again took Dan’s hand as we walked towards the building.

“I’m on the fourth floor,” I told him, as we entered into the lobby, “There’s no lift, but I’ll carry your case and we’ll take it slow.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, now seeing the stairs looming ahead of him.

Picking up the suitcase, I followed Dan up the stairs, letting him set the pace. Four flights of stairs later, we were on the second floor. Dan started up the fifth flight, and I followed, again staying about one step behind, not wanting to rush him. He sounded a bit out of breath.

“Dan,” I spoke up, “Stop at the next landing, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan replied, continuing to climb the stairs.

Two steps from the top, he stopped and grabbed onto the banister, swaying slightly. He looked like he was about to pass out.

“Dan?” I said, hurriedly dropping his suitcase and grabbing onto him.

“I feel faint,” he told me, “Help.”

“Sit down,” I told him, encouraging him to let go of the handrail and trust me to help him down.

I kept ahold of him until he was safely sitting on the step, head resting on his knees. I sat down next to him and put an arm around him. We should’ve stopped at the last landing.

“Let’s stay here for five minutes,” I told him, “If you’re still feeling faint, I’ll carry you the rest of the way.”

A few minutes passed and he no longer sounded out of breath. I told him to try and sit up and he managed that, no longer swaying in dizziness. We stayed there for another couple of minutes before I slowly helped him to his feet.

“You okay to continue?” I asked him, “It’s another floor and a half.”

“I’ll try,” he said, not looking happy about the idea.

“Or do you want me to carry you?” I suggested, “I don’t mind.”

“C-could you?” he asked.

“Alright,” I said, getting ready to pick him up.

One hand just above his knees and the other across his back, I scooped him up. He was still remarkably light for a man of his height.

“I’ll come back down for your suitcase,” I told him, starting up the next flight of stairs.

I deposited him outside my flat, telling him told him to, “wait here,” and scurried back down the stairs to grab his stuff.

“Right,” I said, setting the suitcase down on the ground again, “We’ve got here at last. C’mon let’s go inside.”

I unlocked the and gestured for Dan to go in ahead. He pulled the suitcase and I followed, shutting the door behind us.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he said, “I’m really unfit…”

“It’s fine,” I cut him off, “And you’re not unfit, you’re just underweight.”

“So everyone keeps telling me,” he grumbled.

“You need to trust us,” I told him, “Me and the doctor. If you can get back to a healthy weight, things like the stairs will be so much easier. Will you try?”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, “I’ll give it a shot.”

The remainder of the evening all went to plan. I showed Dan to my room, and laid his suitcase down in one corner. We both changed into our pyjamas because Dan was tired, and to be honest I was too. I let him visit the toilet without supervision, because neither of us had been comfortable with that. I trusted him not to make himself sick because it had been long enough since he’d eaten that simply sticking fingers down his throat wouldn’t do it. However, I did hang around nearby, in case anything did happen - it didn’t.

When Dan climbed into my bed next to me, I did initially keep myself from getting too close but it wasn’t long before he reached out for me instead.

“Can we hug?” he asked nervously. “That’s not weird is it?”

I answered his question without words, by simply shuffling closer, wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling my face into his neck. For a change, I went to sleep without bubbles of worry floating through my head. He was in my arms. He was safe. I had no need to worry.


	3. Home, Memories and Trying to Recover

**Phil's POV:**

Dan and I both had a long lie that first morning together. He hadn’t slept terribly well in the hospital, due to the beeps of machines and sounds from other patients. Although I’d had a number of long lies, the worry had stopped me from sleeping to my full potential. We both needed it, and the lazy day that followed. We spent the day playing video games, and then later on, watching films. Dan was eating, not a lot because his appetite wasn’t that great, but it was a start.

Today was going much the same, like yesterday we spent it in the living room playing video games and watching films. In the middle of the afternoon, I snuck off for fifteen minutes to have a shower as I hadn’t showered the day before. I felt a bit guilty as Dan hadn’t been able to properly wash in a number of days, as he wasn’t allowed to get his stitches wet. I showered as quickly as I could, not wanting to leave him alone for longer than was necessary, but when I returned to the living room, he hadn’t moved from his place in the sofa.

We had one last round of mario kart before dinner. I kept to Doctor Shepherd’s suggestion of healthy food, and so far that seemed to be working. I ran the menu choices past Dan to make sure he was okay with them, before I actually made them. Today, I was making a vegetable bolognese: a dish with lentils, pepper, celery, carrots… I shut the kitchen door and put the fan on as I cooked, not wanting the food smell to fill up the flat too much. When it was ready, I brought our food to the table in the living room. I’d served Dan a little more than he’d eaten yesterday, in attempt to slowly get him eating more.

“Dan,” I said, speaking across the room to him as he was still sat on the sofa, “Do you want to come over? Dinner’s ready.”

“Not really,” he answered, not looking me in the eye.

“What’s up?” I asked, wandering over to him.

“I just don’t feel like eating,” he told me, now looking up to meet my eyes.

His eyes looked a little moist and I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t have left him alone for so long while I was cooking. Had he been crying? I didn’t really want to call him out on it at the moment.

“Come on,” I said, offering him a hand up, “At least have a little bit. You said you’d try.”

“Alright,” he groaned, getting to his feet and following me to the table.

At first Dan picked at the food, eating the odd bit of spaghetti here and bit of carrot there.

“Do you not like it?” I asked him, “I can find you something else if you want.”

“No, it’s okay,” he replied, now shovelling a proper amount onto his fork.

“It’s all good for you,” I reminded him, “You can eat as much as you want.”

To my great surprise, twenty minutes later, Dan actually finished his plate of spaghetti. After I’d done the dishes we returned to the sofa. We started a film, but after five minutes, Dan grabbed the remote and hit the pause button.

“Phil, I feel sick,” Dan told me, “I shouldn’t have eaten that much, I can’t handle it. Can I go to the bathroom, please?”

“Dan, we’ve spoken about this,” I told him, “No more throwing up meals. You’ll be okay.”

Dan backed away from me very suddenly and started crying, hiding his face in his hands. Slowly I approached him and tried to give him a hug, but he pushed me away.

“Phil, I feel like I’m going to throw up, like without making myself,” he spoke angrily.

“Oh,” I said, feeling bad that I hadn’t realised what he meant, “Sorry.”

“It’s o..” Dan started saying before suddenly clamping a hand over his mouth and running out of the room.

Shocked, it took me a second to react. I jumped to my feet and ran after him, catching up just as he was entering the bathroom. He reached the toilet just in time, although he did puke all over his hand in the process.

Hesitantly, I crouched down next to him and placed a hand on his back, wondering if he was done or if he was going to throw up again. He retched and threw up a little more, tears spilling from his eyes.

“‘M sorry,” I told him, flushing the toilet, “For not believing you were actually sick.”

“It-it’s okay,” he replied shakily, “I-I k-know why you didn’t. Y-you’re not going to make me go back to the hospital, are you?”

“No, no, don’t worry,” I told him, “I think you’ll be okay. I’ll get you some water and we’ll see how things go. Do you just think you ate too much?”

“Yeah..” he replied, “And I wasn’t feeling good beforehand either, not feeling good about myself and I got so worked up about it that it was making me feel sick.”

I stood up and walked over to the sink to fill the glass, returning to him a couple of seconds later.

“Here, have some water,” I said, bringing the glass to his lips for him.

Dan’s clean hand joined mine on the glass, trembling, but guiding the glass to his mouth. The first sip he swirled around his mouth and spat into the toilet bowl, but he drank up the rest. Dan handed the empty glass back to me.

“Do you want any more?” I asked him, “Or do you want to get up?”

“Get up,” he told me, reaching his hand out for a hand up.

I took his hand and helped him to his feet. We walked over to the sink where we both washed our hands, and Dan, his face.

“Do you still want to watch that film or do you just want to go to bed?” I asked him, as he brushed his teeth. “It’s your choice.”

“Maybe watch  _some_  of the film,” he told me, “I don’t think I could stay awake for all of it.”

“Okay, let’s go back to the living room then,” I said.

Once Dan was finished brushing his teeth, we left the bathroom, me following him back to the living room. I let Dan get comfortable on the sofa while I went to get him a glass of water and a biscuit from the kitchen. I didn’t know if he would eat it, but I didn’t want him to be hungry.

I sat down on the sofa next to Dan and handed him the glass of water and the biscuit.

“Thought you might appreciate another drink,” I told him, “And you don’t have to eat the biscuit, I just brought in case you changed your mind about eating.”

“Thanks,” Dan replied with a smile, laying the biscuit on his lap and sipping at the water.

I picked up the remote from the floor where it had fallen in the earlier events. I pressed play on the film and sat back next to Dan, curling one arm around him.

I was just getting into the film when I felt Dan shiver beside me. He’d been shaking ever since he threw up - that was to be expected - but this was new.

“Are you cold?” I asked him, the most likely explanation for his shivering.

“Yeah, a bit,” Dan replied, “Do you still have that blanket somewhere?”

The blanket Dan was referring to was one that had been kicking around the sofa for the last couple of days. I’d looked it out, because despite always having a hoodie on, Dan often got cold when we were watching the TV. It was currently at the other end of the sofa, where he’d left it last.

“Yeah, hold on,” I said, getting up to get it.

Grabbing the blanket, I sat back down and opened it up on my lap.

“C’mere,” I said to Dan, patting the blanket as a gesture that he was to sit there.

Dan handed me the biscuit, crawled the short distance along the sofa and carefully settled himself in my lap.

“Is this okay?” I asked him, now taking the sides of the blanket and folding them over him.

“Yeah, thanks, this is perfect,” Dan replied, “Oh, can I get the biscuit back?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” I said jokingly, handing it to him, and wrapping my now free hands around his middle.

“Thanks,” Dan said, bringing it to his mouth and having a little nibble.

I tried to turn my attention back to the film now that Dan seemed a little better, but it was hard to concentrate on anything else. He looked so small and fragile, wrapped in a blanket, slowly eating a biscuit. I didn’t want to be doing anything other than hugging him.

The film was nearing the climax and I saw Dan was struggling to stay awake.

“Dan, do you want to go to bed?” I asked him softly.

“Not yet,” he replied, “Wanna see the rest of this.”

“Okay,” I said, “But if you fall asleep I’ll pause it and keep it for tomorrow.”

I leant down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He was just too goddam irresistible but I wanted to keep our first proper kiss for when he was feeling a bit better. I tried to focus on the film again but barely minutes later I heard soft snoring noises and I looked down to see that he was asleep.

Keeping very still, I thought through the options. I didn’t want him sleeping on the sofa. It verged on being okay to sleep on if you had sufficient ‘padding’ but I could see Dan waking up very sore and stiff and neither of us wanted that. I’d have to wait a little longer until he was in a deeper sleep and hope I could carry him to my room without waking him up. I hoped that I wouldn’t fall asleep in that time, otherwise we’d be back to the first scenario.

I carefully slid the now half-eaten biscuit out of his hand and laid it on a side table. I’d hoped he might have eaten more of it, but maybe I was getting my hopes up a bit. I’d have to make sure he ate something with a high energy content for breakfast and hope he could keep that down.

After about five minutes I found my own eyelids starting to droop, and I knew if I stayed here much longer we’d both be out for the count on the sofa. I very slowly moved my hands so I was no longer hugging Dan, but so they were ready to lift him up. I couldn’t have done it that way if Dan was as heavy as I, but I stood straight up, keeping him in my arms. I stood still for a minute to make sure I hadn’t disturbed his sleep, before continuing my journey, carrying him to my room.

I laid Dan down on my bed and then hurried to get my pyjamas on so I could join him. He’d never actually got dressed, but then I only had after my shower. I quickly brushed my teeth, knowing it was important not to forget the small things, and then climbed into bed next to him. We didn’t cuddle that night, but it wasn’t because we didn’t want to. I just didn’t want to wake Dan up.

—–

**Dan’s POV:**

I woke up feeling empty. The bed felt empty, my stomach felt empty, my heart even felt a little empty as for a change Phil wasn’t by my side. However, one thing felt full, my bladder. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I had to get out of bed to relieve myself, but I just didn’t feel like it. Although the clock told me it was nearly eleven, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. Every muscle in my body just felt weak. All I wanted was to go back to sleep, to fall back into my pit of hunger-filled, Phil-less slumber… Or maybe have Phil come here - he seemed to have some magical way of making me feel a bit better.

“Phil,” I called out, but my voice sounded feeble and weak. I wonder if he heard.

I waited a couple of minutes, but no reply and no Phil. I could really feel the pressure building in my bladder and I knew I’d have to get out of bed whether he came or not.

“Phil,” I tried again, this time sitting up and pushing the duvet down.

In sitting up, I really didn’t feel good. I shut my eyes, trying to push away the sudden dizziness that had filled my head. It seemed that I had still been to quiet to hear. I would need to get up myself unless I wanted to wet his bed. I slid my feet down onto the floor and slowly stood up, grabbing onto the headboard for support.

I slowly made my way to the door of the room, holding onto various objects as I went. I needed to hurry up, but I was struggling to stay on my feet as it was. Another punch of dizziness hit me, forcing me to hold onto the doorframe to stop myself falling. As I stood there, holding the door frame for dear life, I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom. The pain in my abdomen from needing to go was almost worse than the stomach pain the other night at the hospital. Phil was really my only hope for getting to the bathroom in time.

“Phil,” I yelled again, my voice this time managing a few decibels louder.

I felt a warm trickle on my thigh and I knew it was happening. I was fucking pissing myself - this hadn’t happened since I was like four. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t piss all over Phil’s floor. I tried to stop myself but there was nothing I could do, the small trickle becoming a steady stream.

I couldn’t help but start crying when I could feel a puddle building around me feet. I felt like such a fucking baby. What was worse was, at that moment Phil hurried out of the kitchen door making his way towards me.

“Dan? You called?” Phil said, seeing that I was standing there

“Oh God, are you okay?” He asked, his eyes now taking in the way I was clutching the doorframe, “Oh.”

The last word was as he noticed my sodden pyjamas and the puddle around my feet. I felt so embarrassed that I immediately started crying harder, sinking to the floor because I was already so soaked that sitting in my own pee couldn’t make it any worse

“I’m sorry,” I cried, still peeing a little. “I’m sorry. I tried calling your name but I couldn’t do it loud enough and then I got up myself but I feel so dizzy and I only managed to get this far.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Phil said approaching me, “I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you. This must be really embarrassing for you. I’m sorry it had to happen, but I’m not mad or anything.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, now eventually having managed to stop peeing.

“Right, I think we should get you to the bathroom so you can get cleaned up,” Phil told me, “Do you think you can walk if I help you?”

“Well I got to here, didn’t I?” I replied. I didn’t really feel like I could walk, but I was going to do it anyway. There was no way I was going to have Phil carry me when I was soaked in my own piss.

“Alright,” he said, stretching a hand out to offer me a hand up.

Wiping my hand on my hoodie first, I grabbed his hand and got to my feet. I looked down at the floor. It was worse than I thought.

“Don’t worry about it,” Phil said, seeing where I was looking, “Honestly, it’s not a problem to clean.”

“Sorry,” I repeated, wanting to get across that I really was sorry, that I felt really bad about what had happened.

“Dan, please don’t worry about it,” Phil said.

—-

**Phil’s POV:**

I helped Dan all the way to the bathroom. I didn’t want him to feel bad about what had happened, but I knew that I would feel the same if I was in his situation. The sodden pyjama bottoms removed, he was now sitting on the toilet, finishing off the job.

“I’m going to grab you some clean clothes and a towel and then I’ll be right back to help you get you cleaned up,” I told him,

“Could you maybe give me ten minutes?” Dan asked, biting his lip, “I kinda need a shit.”

“Okay,” I said, “But please don’t lock the door if you’re feeling faint.”

“I won’t,” he said, “And even if you did walk in, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before anyway.”

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” I said, leaving the bathroom and shutting the door over behind me, “Shout when you’re done, I’ll make sure I’m listening this time.”

I went to the cupboard where I kept spare towels and grabbed two, one was an old one I never really used and the other was for Dan. I laid the good towel on my bed and put the old one on the puddle outside my door. That would soak it up and then I could clean the floor properly later.

I had a look through Dan’s stuff, only to discover he hadn’t brought any spare pyjamas. Not wanting to force him into normal clothes as he might very well just be going back to bed, I looked out a spare pair of my own. I chose ones that were a little small on me, with the hope they would fit him alright.

I laid them on top of the towel, now thinking about how Dan could get clean without getting his stitches wet. A shower was out of the question, but a bath might work if he was careful. It would certainly be better than washing with a cloth or a sponge or something.

I found a plastic bag and some duct tape, vaguely remembering someone telling me about covering a wound with a bag in the shower. It was certainly better than nothing. The doctor hadn’t given him any waterproof covers or anything, but then it was the last thing on our minds at the time. These I added to the pile of stuff.

I lifted the towel from the floor and put it in the washing machine. I would get Dan’s pyjamas in there soon and then put it on. As I was passing the bathroom door I decided to check he was okay; it had been about ten minutes after all.

“You okay, Dan?” I asked, remaining outside the door to give him some privacy.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You can come in when you’re ready,” he replied.

“Alright,” I said, “I’ll be right back, going to grab the towel and stuff.”

I hurried back to my bedroom, picking up the pile of things I had gathered on my bed. I opened the door to the bathroom and went in. Dan was sitting on the toilet, but really just as a chair.

“Hey,” I said, laying the pile of stuff down on the bathmat, “You can have a bath if you want and we’ll stick some plastic bag over your stitches.”

“Okay,” Dan said, a small smile on his face, “Can you stay though? I might need a little help.”

“Yeah, of course,” I told him, “Oh, are you still feeling faint?”

“Yeah,” he replied, “I’m okay sitting down, but I just feel really weak and tired and everything’s spinning slightly.”

“Okay, well, I’ll make you a little breakfast after this,” I told him, “You need some food, it will make you feel better, and then if you want, you can go back to bed.”

“Alright,” Dan replied, “I’ll try my best to keep it down. I don’t feel quite as sick as yesterday though.”

“That’s good,” I said, “I’ll get the bath running, you could maybe take the rest of your clothes off.”

I tried not to be too blunt about what I was asking him to do, but there wasn’t really a better way of doing it. This wasn’t the sort of situation I had in mind for when I first saw my soulmate naked, but what happens happens. It’s life. Maybe someday we would be at that stage, but I felt it was going to be a long journey getting there for us.

“Okay,” Dan laughed, a smile again finding his face, “Don’t get excited though, I’m not that good looking.”

I turned on the taps, put in a little bubble bath and worked on getting it to a nice temperature. I was letting Dan have some privacy getting undressed, because although he was letting me be here, I knew he was far from comfortable about me seeing him naked.

Glancing over at the size of the dressing on Dan’s wound, I cut a square out of the plastic bag I had brought. I cut four long strips of tape and put them on the edge of the bath until he was ready.

“D’you want me to do this or do you want to?” I asked him, gesturing to the plastic bag and tape I had ready.

“I’ll do it,” he said taking the bit of bag from me, sitting on the edge of the bath, and sticking it over his stomach.

I stopped the bath running before it got too deep. The homemade waterproof cover would be splashproof but not submersible. When Dan was ready, he hesitantly stepped in and sat down in the bath.

“Is it okay for temperature?” I asked him, suddenly nervous that maybe I liked baths particularly hot or particularly cold and that this could be a bad temperature.

“Yes, it’s perfect,” he replied, “Thank you, I needed this. I was feeling really gross because I haven’t washed in a week.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, placing a hand on his back, “You should try and relax too. You’ve had a stressful week, it’ll be good for you.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, laying back in the bath.

“Do you want some music on?” I asked him, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

“Uhh, yeah,” Dan replied, “You said you like Muse, right?”

“Yep, do you just want me to put them on shuffle or something?” I asked.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Dan replied.

I put muse on shuffle and leant back against the wall. They weren’t necessarily the most relaxing music, but sometimes something familiar is all it takes to relax. Dan looked pretty peaceful, laying back in the bath with his eyes shut. I kept quiet, not wanting to interrupt his zone.

I thought that despite the events of last night and this morning, he was doing well. Yes, his ribs were still sticking out from his chest, but his face looked a little fuller, brighter, cheerier.

I think about seven songs had played when Dan at last spoke up.

“Phil,” he said, “The water’s starting to get kinda cold. Would it be weird if I asked you to help wash me? I just really don’t feel up to it.”

“That’s okay,” I said, grabbing a facecloth and a bar of soap and kneeling down next to the bath.

I started by carefully washing his upper torso, not using too much water that it would pour down his front. I ignored his nipples, pretending they were just any other part of his chest. I wanted this to be as un-awkward as possible. When I was done with his upper body, I moved to his feet working upwards. I felt Dan tensing up as I started on his thighs.

“Do you want me to stop here and let you do the rest?” I asked him, getting ready to hand the cloth over to him.

“Umm,” he said, “I.. I don’t know.”

I sat back slightly, waiting for his decision.

“I’ll do it,” he said firmly, taking the washcloth from me.

“Worried you might get a boner or something if I do it?” I asked him jokingly, trying to make light of the situation.

“Not really,” he said, his smile fading slightly, “I don’t think I could get an erection right now if I tried. Don’t worry, you’re hot enough. Like not gonna lie, I can see it happening someday. I just don’t think I have it in me right now. I’m just not comfortable with my thighs… or my stomach… or anything else really, but mainly those two.”

“Awww,” I said, making a sad noise, “I’d like you to be comfortable with them. We’ll work on it. Also, I’d like to do that with you someday too, we’ll get there when the time is right.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, starting to wash himself. “I’d like to be comfortable with myself too, but it just doesn’t work. My thighs are always slightly too flabby but as much as I exercise and try to eat healthy and not too much, I can’t seem to get rid of the fat from my tummy.”

“Dan,” I said firmly, sitting back and looking at his face rather than where he was washing. “You’re not fat, okay. I wish you could see yourself how others do because you’re really good-looking and you could look even better still with a little more weight. If you let yourself, you could have a really freaking amazing bum. I’m not saying it’s not good at the moment, it is, but you could be extra beautiful if you got yourself to the weight you should be. Also, you’re going to feel a lot better if you eat more, because your body needs it. That’s why you feel really weak and faint, because your body needs more energy than you’re giving it.”

Dan looked at me and didn’t say anything, his expression showing that he didn’t know how to respond. He put the soap to the side and wrung out the washcloth, leaving it on the side of the bath.

“I know you don’t feel the same way about all of this but you’ll try right, for me?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “I’m trying, but it’s not easy for me and I’m sure you’ve noticed that.”

“I know,” I told him, “And I’m trying to help make it easier so please tell me if there’s anything else I can do.”

“Okay, I will,” he said, stopping and looking thoughtful for a second. “I’m going to get out of here. Could you maybe just stay close to me in case I faint or something?”

“Yeah, of course,” I said getting to my feet, “Make sure to get up slowly though.”

I stood next to the bath with my arms out, ready to grab onto Dan if he needed it. Fortunately, he didn’t. He stood up, slowly, like I’d suggested and then stepped out onto the bath mat. Satisfied he was stable enough, I grabbed the towel from the floor and wrapped it around him before he got too cold.

I let the water out the bath and patiently waited for Dan to get dried. When he was, he picked up the pair of pyjamas and looked at them.

“Uhh, Phil, these aren’t mine,” he said warily.

“I know,” I chuckled, “I couldn’t find any spare ones in your stuff so they’re just a pair of mine. I can go and get you joggies and a t-shirt from your stuff if you want, but I thought you might be more comfortable in those.”

“Oh, okay,” he said, taking the trousers and pulling them on, “I just wasn’t sure whether that was an accident or what. Thank you.”

Abandoning the towel, Dan very slowly peeled off the bag we had stuck over his stomach. I could see him flinching as it pulled out some of his body hair, but unlike a plaster, it couldn’t be done in one fast action. He had to be careful that he didn’t get the dressing underneath with it. Dan wouldn’t let me touch it, but he peeled back the dressing to let me check that everything was looking okay. It all looked good so we agreed he would probably get the stitches out, as planned, in a couple of days time.

I scooped up Dan’s wet pyjamas and hoodie, taking them to the washing machine, with him following me out of the bathroom. I chose what was hopefully the right setting and put the machine on, leaving it to wash the clothes as we went to the kitchen. I kept an arm around Dan as we walked, as he still was feeling a bit dizzy.

“What do you want to eat?” I asked Dan, wanting to give him a say in the matter.

“I don’t know… Toast?” he suggested, “That’s what you gave me yesterday. I haven’t been having anything more than a coffee for breakfast for a while.”

“How about cereal  _and_  toast?” I suggested

“Okay,” Dan said, “Not too much cereal though and I’m not really feeling like milk.”

“How about a cereal bar instead?” I suggested.

“Okay,” Dan nodded.

I opened a box of cereal bars and handed him one. They were relatively healthy ones, made up of mainly oats and honey. I wasn’t a dietician or anything but I was pretty sure they were good for energy. I filled a glass of water from the tap and handed him that also, along with his pills for today.

“I’ll make you a coffee,” I told him, “But have that to help swallow the tablets.”

Keeping one eye on Dan, I got to work making two coffees, as I could do with one myself too. I liked my coffee pretty sugary, so I made Dan’s the same way. I didn’t make his quite so milky so it would be easier to stomach if he wasn’t quite feeling right.

I sat down next to Dan at the small breakfast bar with my cup of coffee. It was an easier place to eat than the dining table in the living room.

“I know this is kind of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but aren’t you eating something?” Dan asked looking up at me.

“I’ve already eaten,” I explained, “I had breakfast before you were up, because I was too hungry to wait for you to wake up.”

“I believe you,” Dan said, “But don’t believe me if I say that; I’ve used that as an excuse to not eat so many times.”

“Okay, I’ll remember that,” I told him with a little chuckle.

“Why did I tell you that?” he groaned.

“I don’t know, but I’m glad you did,” I replied, “I’m happy you feel you can trust me with that. It all helps.”

When Dan had finished his cereal bar and swallowed his pills, I got up to make him a slice of toast.

“You think you can manage a piece of toast?” I asked him; there was no point in making it if he wasn’t going to eat it.

“I think so,” he answered.

“Great,” I replied cheerily, putting the bread into the toaster.

After the bread had become toast, I spread it with a little butter and some honey. I didn’t go overboard on the butter, knowing it wasn’t particularly healthy and so Dan might reject it if there were too much.

I laid the toast down in front of him, “Take your time and stop if it feels too much.”

I washed some dishes while Dan ate the toast, not wanting him to feel too pressured. I was drying them and putting them away when I was distracted by him letting out a disgruntled grunt.

“Something wrong?” I asked him, walking over to where he was sitting.

“I can’t finish it,” he said, “I didn’t want to disappoint you but I’ll throw up if I eat anymore.”

“Hey, you’re not disappointing me,” I said calmly, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m really proud of you for eating all that you have. It’s okay. You have a small appetite at the moment, but it’ll grow again. Someday soon, you’ll manage all of that.”

Dan sniffed and delicately brushed his finger under his eye. I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he was on the verge of the tears.

“You did really well,” I told him, gently engulfing him in an embrace, “It’s okay.”

Once I’d cheered him up, Dan went back to bed for a bit. I mostly stayed in the room while he slept, doing a little tidying here and there. I wanted to be there when he woke up.

When he did wake, he seemed to be feeling a lot better. Me, him and the duvet went to the living room. The three of us lazily cuddled together on the couch, not doing a lot for the rest of the day.

There we numerous moments when I felt the urge to lean over and kiss Dan, but so far I had resisted. I wanted to make it special, save it for sometime special, or when I knew it was the right moment. He was my soulmate after all; we’d be together forever so I wanted to make the first kiss a special memory to look back on someday.


	4. We All Need to have a Good Cry Sometimes

**Phil's POV:**

The day came that Dan returned to the hospital to get his stitches taken out. To say he was nervous was an understatement. It took a lot of effort to persuade him to get up, and even more so to persuade him to eat breakfast. He hardly ate anything, saying he wouldn’t be able to keep it down if he ate anymore; it was because he was nervous, shaking at the thought of returning to the hospital.

I drove us there in my car, playing some relaxing music in hope it would do some good. Dan refused to pinpoint exactly why he was so nervous, but I’m guessing getting your stitches out was a pretty scary experience if it was something you’ve never been through before. Neither of us particularly knew the procedure, so there wasn’t a lot I could do to comfort him about it. I’d made sure he dressed in loose, comfortable clothes so that he wouldn’t have to change into a hospital gown.

The only space I could find in the hospital car park was about as far away from the building as you could get. Dan was shaking even more so now, and I needed to figure out how to calm him down before we went in.

“Dan,” I said, turning in my seat to face him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Please talk to me. I can call them and see if they can organise another day instead.”

“I don’t know. I’m just feeling extra insecure today and the thought of anyone touching my stomach to take the stitches out makes me wanna puke,” he explained nervously, “I’m kinda anxious about it. I don’t think I can do it. I’m gonna puke on the doctor or lash out or something.”

“What if I get one of those little bowls organised for you just in case?” I suggested, “I’ll hold your hand through the whole thing and we can tell the doctor how you’re feeling about it. I’m sure he’s dealt with others in your situation before, he’ll know what to do.”

“Okay,” Dan agreed hesitantly.

I reached across the centre console and took his hand, rubbing soothing patterns on the back of it, “You can always back out and please speak up if it’s not okay.”

Letting go of Dan’s hand, I went to open my door, “We should get going.”

Once out, I walked around to the other side of the car, where I brought Dan into a hug once he was out. I was extra careful to keep my stomach a distance from his, knowing how he was feeling today.

I kept a hold of his hand as we walked across the carpark and into the building, as we waited in the waiting room and as we were escorted to the room where he’d be getting the stitches out. Again, it would be Doctor Shepherd who would be treating him.

“Hello Dan, and Phil,” he greeted us; it was nice to see he remembered our names.

He encouraged Dan to sit down on a bed and pointed me to a chair alongside. I immediately returned my hand to Dan’s once we were both sat down. Doctor Shepherd pulled another chair over, obviously planning to sit and talk to us.

“Okay, how are things going?” he asked, “No concerns about the stitches?”

“They’ve been looking okay,” I told him, “It looks to me that it’s healing up okay.”

“Okay,” he nodded, “Dan? No intense pain or swelling or anything?”

“No, they seem okay,” he replied, the nerves showing through in his voice.

I squeezed his hand, catching his eye and trying to remind him that I was here.

“Okay, do you want to lean back and let me have a look?” he said to Dan, indicating that he should lay back against the upright part of the bed.

“I…” Dan started; no words following, he looked to me for help.

“Dan’s not very comfortable with anyone touching his stomach,” I explained, “We know it’s necessary but we just thought you should be aware of that. He’s feeling a bit apprehensive about this. Any chance he could have one of those sick bowls just as a precaution?”

“Of course,” he said, getting up from his chair, “I’ll go and get one. It’s okay to be nervous but this won’t hurt or anything; you’ll be alright.”

“Tha-anks,” Dan said, a quiver in his voice making it come out as two syllables rather than one.

The doctor returned less than a minute later with a sick bowl in one hand and a cup of water in the other. He handed the bowl to Dan and laid the water on a table next to the bed.

“Okay,” he said, “If you could take your jacket and hoodie off, that would be good.”

Dan did as the doctor suggested and handed me the two items of clothing, unsure where else to put them.

“It would be easiest if you took your shirt off too, but just roll it up if that makes you more comfortable,” he told Dan.

Dan rolled the shirt up, revealing the dressing that covered the wound on his stomach.

Doctor Shepherd moved his hands closer and Dan inhaled a very deep breath. He stopped and waited until Dan took another, calmer, breath.

“I’m not going to do anything other than take this dressing off at the moment,” he reassured Dan.

This time he went through with it, gently peeling the dressing off. Dan flinched, shut his eyes and squeezed my hand as if his life depended on it.

“It’s off now,” I told him, “You can open your eyes.”

“Don’t want to see,” he answered, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. Maybe we should have cancelled this and rescheduled for another day.

“I think we should just get this over with quickly,” Doctor Shepherd said, “It will only take two minutes and then it’s all over.”

“I think that’s best,” I nodded, “Dan?”

Dan let out nothing but a sniff in response. I guess we’d have to go ahead without his opinion.

“Dan, I need you to stay as still as possible,” Doctor Shepherd told him, “Try not to jump. You’ll feel a small tug, but that should be all.”

“Phil, can you take his other hand too?” he asked me.

I nodded, reaching over and lifting Dan’s other hand across his chest towards me. I held his hands in mine, waiting for the inevitable movement when the doctor touched his stomach again.

I saw a few tears spilling from his eyes and I struggled not to let go of his hands to brush them away. Ignoring the fact there was another in the room, I leant up and kissed him on the cheek. Sitting back, I could taste his salty tears on my lips, but there was no time to linger on the thought, as Doctor Shepherd removed the first of the stitches.

Dan jumped slightly and tried to pull his hands away, but I kept a strong hold. He let out a small noise of protest and for a second I did wonder if he was going to be sick; however, a few deep breaths later, he looked okay again.

After giving Dan a few seconds to recover, Doctor Shepherd moved onto the next. He continued like this, taking out a stitch, giving Dan a little time, then moving onto the next.

“Only a few left now,” he told Dan when he was down to the last few, “You’re doing really well.”

A minute later he removed the last one.

“That’s them all done,” he told Dan, “I don’t need to touch your stomach again now.”

Very slowly Dan opened his eyes and peered down at his stomach. He swallowed nervously and fingered with the edge of his shirt.

“Can I put my shirt back down now?” he asked.

“Very soon. I’m going to let you do this next bit,” he said to Dan, handing him some sort of wipe. “I want you to carefully wipe it with this antiseptic wipe and then once it’s dry you’re going to put a big plaster on it.”

Dan did as he was told, not happily, but he managed it. A minute later Doctor Shepherd handed him the plaster which Dan then stuck on.

“You can put your shirt back now,” the doctor told him, “Now, I need you to do that every day or two for the next week. You think you can manage that?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, not sounding one-hundred-percent sure of himself.

“Great,” Doctor Shepherd replied, looking over at me as if to say ‘ _you try and make sure he does it_ ’.

Dan had rolled his shirt down as soon as the doctor said he could and was now looking a little better.

“I’m going to give you five minutes,” he said, looking at Dan, “I think you need it. Then I’ll come back and talk to you and do a couple of other small check ups.”

The second Doctor Shepherd left the room, Dan properly broke down in tears. He brought his knees up to his chest and curled himself into a ball. Now that there weren’t any vital pipes to stop me, I wasted no time in hopping up onto the bed next to him. I loosely wrapped my arms around him, thinking that I could make him uncomfortable by going too tight.

“You did it,” I told him, “It’s all over now.”

Dan didn’t reply, continuing to shake and sob. Between his sobs, I could hear him breathing and it didn’t sound too great. This didn’t seem much different from the panic attacks that my friend, Louise, described having from time to time. Although I’d never actually helped her through one, she had explained to me the sorts of things I should do to help if I ever had to. It was worth a shot. I could press the emergency button, but I doubted Dan would want doctors here right now.

“Dan,” I spoke calmly, “You’re okay. We’re going to go home and watch anime soon, I just need you to breathe, okay? Copy me.”

Dan moved his hands away from his eyes and looked at me. I slowly took in a deep breath, counting on my fingers the number of seconds. I then stopped and held my breath, gesturing for Dan to do the same. Finally, I slowly let the breath back out, again counting on my fingers the number of seconds. I couldn’t remember exactly how many seconds she’d said for each stage but it was around five or six. I repeated this process with Dan a few times and it seemed to be making a difference. Although he was still shaking a little, he seemed a million times better.

Doctor Shepherd returned while we were still doing the breathing. I noticed him re-entering the room, but ignored him, keeping all my focus on Dan. Only when I was satisfied he would be okay, did I stop to address the doctor.

“Panic attack?” he asked, “I could kind of see it coming and knew he needed me out of the room.”

“Yeah, I think so,” I said; if both the doctor and I thought it was panic attack, then we were probably right.

“Is everything okay now?” he asked, keeping a calm voice.

“I think so,” I replied, “Dan? You okay?”

“Y-yeah,” he replied, still slightly shaky but a lot better, “Thanks for helping me, Phil. Whatever you did, it worked.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, loosening my arms and rubbing his back.

“Have a drink of water,” he suggested, pointing to the cup of water he’d brought earlier. “When you’re ready, we’ll talk about your last week, and then we need to weigh you.”

I handed Dan the cup of water and he slowly sipped at it. Doctor Shepherd returned to his earlier seat and waited until Dan was ready. I decided that no matter what the doctor thought, I was staying on the bed next to Dan.

“Okay, I have a few questions for you two,” Doctor Shepherd asked, “Firstly, has Dan made himself sick at any point in the last week?”

“No,” I answered and Dan confirmed this.

“Right, that’s a great start,” he commented, “Normally it happens at least a couple of times. Sounds like you’re doing well. Now, any nausea or dizziness?”

“Yeah,” I answered, thinking through how to word this, “He threw up dinner one night, but it just happened.”

“I wasn’t feeling good about myself and then I think I ate more than I could handle,” Dan butted in.

“Yeah, he was feeling really dizzy the next morning, but we got some breakfast in him and then he was okay,” I continued the explanation.

“There was the odd other time I felt a bit sick, but it passed,” Dan added.

“Okay,” Doctor Shepherd nodded, making a couple of notes on a clipboard. “I’m going to organise you a blood test for next week. It’s nothing urgent, I just want to check up on your sugar and iron levels. There’s no need to worry about it, but you will have to delay breakfast until afterwards. I’ll make sure it’s a morning appointment because we can’t disrupt your eating pattern too much.”

Dan and I nodded, taking in what he was saying. Dan looked a little worried when he mentioned the blood test. I was guessing he hadn’t had one before. I’d have to assure him they weren’t too bad.

Doctor Shepherd moved from his chair and laid a set of scales down on the floor, “Dan, if you want to come here, I need to check up on your weight.”

I released Dan from my grip and let him get up. I followed him over to the scales. He gingerly stepped on, keeping his eyes focused on the scale below him. The three of us watched the number stop at fifty-six point five. Doctor Shepherd scribbled the number down on his clipboard and then looked back up to talk to us. Dan was still staring down at the scales, open mouthed. Shit, he was going to over-react, I could feel it.

“What the fuck?” he swore angrily, “Eight fucking kilograms. No. I can’t have gained eight. No. I can’t do this.”

“Dan,” the doctor and I both spoke, trying to get his focus away from the number.

“I’m fat,” he spoke loudly, “I have so much… flab and I need to lose it, not gain it back.”

“Dan, we’ve gone over this,” I spoke up, “You don’t need to lose any weight or any flab. That was… your ex who wanted it gone. I’d like you to have it.”

I realised as I said this that I still didn’t know the ex’s name. I knew it was a sensitive subject but it would be good to have a name to put to the actions. At, the moment, however, there were much more pressing matters at hand.

“But..” he started, trailing off as he was unsure how to continue.

I gently dragged him away from the scales and back to the edge of the bed. I sat next to him and put an arm around him.

“You said you’d try, right?” I reminded him, softly, “You need to do this, you’re looking so much better already. You don’t need to weigh so little. I’m eighty-something kilos and I’m about the same height as you. I’m not saying you need to weigh what I do, but you’re lighter than you should be.”

“But I’m fat,” he retaliated.

“Dan, what Phil said is right,” Doctor Shepherd spoke up, “You do need to weigh more. Sixty-five kilos would be a healthy weight for you. Ideally more than that, but sixty-five would be a great start. You’re doing well already. You just need to see it for yourself, which isn’t easy. The mental part of an eating disorder is the hardest bit to get over. You need to trust us, we’re doing what’s best for you.”

“Okay,” Dan said in a small voice, curling into my side.

“Right, I’m going to go and sort your appointment for next week and some medicine to last you until then. I’ll leave you to get your jumper and jacket back on,” Doctor Shepherd said, getting up to leave the room, “Would I be right you’re feeling the cold?”

“Yeah,” Dan and I replied in sync.

“That’s completely normal. There’s nothing we can do about it, but as you regain weight it’ll get back to normal. At the moment, keep wrapped up,” Doctor Shepherd told him.

I handed Dan back his hoodie and he pulled it on, pulling the hood tight over his hands and the sleeves down over his hands. I then gave him the jacket, which he zipped up to the neck, before returning to his earlier position of being snuggled up to my side. I brought my arms around him while we waited for the doctor to return.

Eventually Doctor Shepherd walked into the room with some medicine in one hand and an appointment card in the other. I took them from him as Dan still had his hands hidden away up his sleeves. That was our hospital visit done for the week and we were free to leave. Holding hands as we went, we made our way out of the hospital and back to my car.

Dan let out a sigh of relief as he settled back into the passenger seat, “Thank God that’s over.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “And you didn’t puke on anyone so that was good.”

“I nearly did,” he said, “If it had taken much longer I would have, and then when I freaked out afterwards I felt like I was going to throw up until you calmed me down. How did you do that anyway?”

“Have you ever had a panic attack before that?” I asked him.

Dan shook his head, “I don’t think so.”

“Okay; my friend Louise has a panic disorder where she has panic attacks quite often. I’ve never actually helped her through one, but she’s told me what they’re like and how to help. I just guessed that that might be what was happening to you,” I explained, “So I tried to remember what she told me.”

“Wait, so do I have a panic disorder then?” Dan asked, his eyes wide.

“No, not necessarily,” I told him, “Don’t worry about it. A lot of people will have one or two panic attack type experiences in life and they’re fine.”

“What if it does happen again?” he asked worriedly.

“Hopefully I’ll be there if it does,” I told him, “If I’m not try and focus on your breathing; that’s the most important bit. And call me if you can, I’ll try my best to help you, whenever.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded.

“Hold on,” I exclaimed suddenly, “We don’t have each other’s numbers yet because I didn’t exactly meet you under normal circumstances. Let’s sort that now.”

I handed Dan my phone and he gave me mine. I set up me as a contact in his phone and set myself as a favourite so I’d be easier to find if he needed me. We swapped back phones and I started up the engine in my car.

“We should get going,” I said, putting the car into reverse. “While we’re out, do you need anything from your place or any of the shops?”

“Ummm,” Dan said, looking thoughtful, “I think I’m alright; can I shove some stuff in your washing machine though?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, “Let’s do that when we get back, before we forget.”

While waiting at a set of traffic lights just outside of the hospital, I had a sudden thought. I hadn’t seen Louise in nearly two weeks, and I’d been too busy with Dan to speak to her. She’d be the perfect one of my friends to introduce Dan to first. He could probably do to speak to someone with some experience of panic attacks and also, I felt like they’d get on really well.

“How would you feel if I invited Louise over for a bit?” I asked him, “I haven’t seen her in a while and you’re going to meet my friends some time anyway.”

“Uhh, okay,” he replied, “Today?”

“I was thinking today if she’s free, but I can make it another day if you prefer,” I told him, keeping an eye on the traffic light.

“Today’s fine,” Dan said, “Does she like, know I exist?”

“Sort of… she doesn’t know I’ve met you yet, unless Chris has told her,” I told him, “She does know that you got sick a lot, though. I couldn’t really keep that from my friends as they could see I was always worried.”

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, looking a little downcast.

“It’s okay,” I said, rubbing his arm as I moved my hand towards the handbrake, now that the traffic light was green.

When Dan and I got back to my flat, I pointed him in the direction of the washing machine and I went to call Louise. Dan had managed the stairs fine today, although I did make sure we stopped for a rest halfway up. Sitting down in the living room, I hit call on Louise’s contact and waited for her to pick.

She picked up on the fourth ring, “Hey Phil, long time no speak.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “I’ve been a little busy. I may have met my soulmate.”

“Ooh, what’s their name? What are they like? Can I meet them?” she asked excitedly.

“His name’s Dan. He’s cute, brown-haired, hazel-eyed…” I told her, “I was wondering if you were free tonight?”

“I am,” she said, “What were you thinking? Do you want to meet for coffee? Go to a restaurant for dinner?”

“I was just wondering if you could come round to my place?” I asked her.

“I found this really nice Italian place the other day,” she told me, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” I said. Did she seriously not remember the discussion where I told her I thought my soulmate might have an eating disorder? “Louise.. Do you remember how I could feel him throwing up a lot? We talked about this.”

“Yeah, oh, you wondered if he had an eating disorder, right?” she said, a tone of pity and realisation in her voice.

“Yeah… he does,” I told her, “So eating out is a bit of a no-no at the moment.”

“Yeah, sorry, I completely forgot about that,” she replied, “How is he? Is he getting help?”

“It’s okay,” I said, “And yeah, he’s improving. He’s put on a little weight which is good. It’s kind of a long story how I met him, but he had to have stomach surgery. He had to go into the hospital today to get his stitches out, but yeah, he’s getting there.”

“Okay, well I’m looking forward to meeting him,” she said, “What time should I come round?”

“How about after dinner? Maybe eight o’clock?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that’s good,” she said, “I’ll see you then.”

“Oh and Louise,” I said, getting her attention back before she went and hung up.

“Yeah?”

“You know how a while ago you told me how to get through a panic attack? That information came in useful today,” I told her.

“What happened? Are you okay?” she asked, concerned, “Do you want me to come round sooner?”

“It wasn’t me, I’m fine,” I told her, “Dan didn’t cope too well with having the doctor take his stitches out.”

“Is he okay?” she asked, “You sure you want me to come round today?”

“He’s alright,” I told her, “And yes, it might help for him to talk about it with someone who actually knows what they’re talking about. Also, I’ve missed you - I haven’t seen you in like two weeks.”

“Okay, I’ll see you at eight then,” she said cheerily, “Tell Dan I’m looking forward to meeting him.”

“I will do. Goodbye,” I said, waiting for her reply and then hanging up the phone.

–

I went to find Dan, who was looking at my washing machine with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Hey,” I said, crouching down next to him, “Is it not working? It’s sometimes a bit temperamental.”

“No, I was just trying to figure out how it works,” he said, laughing, “I’m not good at all these adult things like working washing machines.”

“It’s okay,” I said, turning the knob on the front to the setting I usually used and then pressing the start button. “You’ll learn.”

“It was that easy?” he said, marvelling at the ease at which I’d started the washing machine.

“I’ve had it for two years,” I told him, “At first I was as clueless as you, though.”

–

Dan and I had lunch, chicken and salad sandwiches on brown bread. I’d been meaning to try and eat healthier for a while, but I’d never really got round to it until Dan came along. I couldn’t get him to eat anything more than that sandwich, which was less than yesterday, but he had said he was having a low self-esteem day. As he sat fidgeting for a while after lunch, I knew I had to be on my toes. He didn’t look happy when I followed him to the toilet; I could almost feel what he was planning.

I did my best to make him feel better, giving him a drink of water and a long hug and a few kisses on the cheek here and there. I didn’t want him to make himself throw up again, not after he’d been doing so well.

We spend the afternoon playing on the Wii in the living room. Dan was really competitive and overall a really fun person to play games with. However, I never quite relaxed because he never quite relaxed.

In the middle of the afternoon, I had worked up quite an appetite from the gaming and decided it was time for a snack. In trying to find something to eat, I realised we were getting short on food. I gave Dan the last apple and found myself a KitKat from the back of the cupboard. I did offer him a bit to be polite, but as I expected, chocolate was not acceptable. He would eat healthily with a bit of persuasion, but there were some things he would downright refuse.

He ate the apple, but again, I could feel him glancing at me and then in the direction of the bathroom. I wanted him to be able to eat without stressing over it for the next couple of hours.

We sat down on the sofa with my laptop to do a Tesco order. I let Dan have a say in what he would eat. If he chose it, he would have an easier time eating it. It took a while, but eventually we had picked out what would hopefully be enough food for the next week. I made sure we had the best deals on everything because I didn’t want to have to dig into my emergency savings, and I was getting dangerously close to that with not having been at work in nearly two weeks.

I knew I’d have to go back to work soon, but I didn’t feel ready to leave Dan alone. Maybe I should see if he could fund the next shop, but as a uni student not doing a lot with his summer, I doubted he was well off either. I didn’t have much choice, I was going to have to trust him to be alone at some point in the next week.

Dinner turned out to be a very slow process. The cooking took about a normal amount of time, and I ate my portion in about fifteen minutes, but Dan was taking his time over it. I remained at the table with him, doing my best to be encouraging, but not forcefully so. We were still sitting there at eight, Dan now chewing spoonfuls of probably cold pasta.

“Dan, it’s okay to stop if you want,” I reminded him, “It’ll be cold now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said, laying his fork down and pushing the half eaten plateful away from him.

“C’mon, let’s go do the dishes,” I said, picking up our plates and getting him to follow me to the kitchen.

We had just settled back in the living room when Louise arrived at the door.

“That’ll be Louise,” I said to Dan, “You stay here, I’ll go let her in.”

I had contemplated whether I should drag Dan with me to the door, but we had just sat down and I would’ve felt mean making him get up again, especially as he looked like he wasn’t feeling too great.

“Hi Louise,” I said, greeting her with a hug as soon as I’d shut the door, “How are you?”

“I’m good,” she said, unbuttoning her coat, “A bit damp though; it’s raining outside. Y’know, typical English summer.”

“Let me take your coat,” I said, holding my hands out to receive it, “Do you want a cup of tea or coffee or anything?”

“A tea would be great,” she said.

I was about to reply when an all too familiar feeling of worry hit me. Dan was throwing up. I needed to be by his side and I wasn’t. I really hoped he had somehow got to the bathroom without me noticing.

“Shhh,” I said to Louise, silently making my way over to the bathroom door and listening.

I could hear muffled sobs through the wooden door. He was in there. I needed to go in there and sort this out.

“Louise,” I said, moving away from the door so it wasn’t obvious I was so close, “Could you go and sit in the living room? I’ll be through in five minutes hopefully.”

“Is something wrong?” she asked quietly, a hint of concern entering her voice.

“Dan’s umm.. throwing up his dinner,” I whispered to her, “He’s not been having the best day and I left him alone when I came to answer the door.”

“I’ll be through as soon as I can,” I told her, waiting until she had gone into the living room before opening the bathroom door.

Dan was curled up in front of the toilet, tears streaming down his face. I could smell it in the air that he’d just been sick, and glancing in the toilet, he was yet to flush it.

“Dan,” I said softly, as I approached him, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he said, looking up at me as I flushed the toilet, “I tried, but as usual, I’m such a fucking disappointment. I didn’t want to eat dinner, but I tried and then once you left the room it was too much and I just had to…”

“Hey,” I said, crouching down next to him, “I’m not disappointed; I’m still really proud of you. Statistically, from what the doctor said, you’re still doing really well. Can I give you a hug?”

“O-okay,” he mumbled, letting me wrap my arms around his hunched up figure.

We stayed there for a minute, me gently stroking his hair as slowly stopped crying. When I felt he was calm enough, I helped him up and pointed him in the direction of the sink to wash his face and wash his mouth out.

“Louise is in the living room,” I told him, “You can come and meet her if you want or you can go to bed if you’re not feeling up to it.”

“I.. I’ll come and meet her but… but I’m not feeling particularly talkative,” he said slowly.

“That’s okay,” I told him, taking his hand and leading him out of the bathroom.

I could almost feel Dan’s nerves radiating off him as we approached the living room.

“Don’t worry,” I said to him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

Dan followed me into the living room and sat down on the sofa with me. Louise was on the individual seat that neither of us particularly used.

“Hi Louise,” I said, “This is Dan. Dan, this is Louise.”

“Hi Dan,” Louise said cheerily.

“Hi,” Dan replied nervously, I could feel him trembling slightly next to me.

“Where do you work?” Louise asked, making an attempt to break the ice, “Or are you at uni?”

“I’m at uni,” Dan replied, “Studying law but I don’t really like it.”

This bit of information I already knew and he’d discussed with me how he was going to have to retake a couple of exams after the summer. I didn’t know the details, but he’d had some rough times with his ex and his eating disorder back when he was meant to be studying and it hadn’t gone very well.

“W-what about you?” he asked, his voice still sounding notably rough from throwing up - I’d better get him some water.

I left Louise to tell him about her career in plus-size fashion design, while I went to sort out drinks for the pair of them. My hand lingered on Dan’s shoulder as I walked away; I didn’t want to leave him alone with Louise for too long. It’s not easy meeting new people when you’re not feeling up to it.

I hurried to the kitchen where I filled the kettle and put it on to boil. As I waited, I filled a glass of water for Dan and looked out two mugs and two teabags. I didn’t want to have coffee this late in the evening otherwise I’d never sleep. I wondered for a second whether I should make tea for Dan too, but I could always come back if he fancied a cup.

When the kettle clicked off, I picked it up and filled the two mugs. As I waited for the tea to infuse, I found a packet of biscuits from the cupboard. It would be rude not to offer anything to eat with the tea. I poured a number of them out onto a plate, that way I wasn’t specifically allocating them to anyone.

I fixed Louise’s tea to how she liked it, and mine to my own taste. Unable to carry everything, I put it all on a tray, and made my way back to the living room. Dan and Louise still seemed to be talking, which was positive. I handed Louise her tea and placed the biscuits on a table near her. I handed Dan the glass of water and returned to my place next to him on the sofa.

“If you want tea, I can go back and make you some,” I told him, “I thought you might want water though.”

“Water’s good,” he said, leaning into me.

“You sure?” I asked him, “You’re freezing.”

“I’m fine,” he replied, purposefully drinking his water.

I reached behind me for the blanket and draped it over his shoulders, wrapping it around him so only his arms were free. He didn’t protest so I felt he was secretly thankful for the action.

“So, how are you, Louise?” I asked her, trying to get the conversation flowing, “I haven’t seen you in what, nearly a month?”

“Yeah,” she replied, “I’ve been busy with work though, so I probably wouldn’t have had the time before now. How are you, Phil. You been busy at the restaurant?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “Well, I haven’t been at work since I met Dan, long story, but we’ve been getting quite a bit of business. I’ll need to go back someday this week though if I want to manage to pay the rent as well as eating.”

“Phil, if you need any help I can lend you some,” Louise offered kindly.

“Thanks but I’d rather get by by myself if I can,” I told her.

“Well the offer still stands if you need it,” she continued, “Anyway I can help you out, just tell me.”

“Okay,” I nodded.

I did have one thing in mind, but it would depend on how well she got on with Dan. I wondered how she’d feel about spending the evening at my place with Dan while I went out for work for a bit. I guess I’d see how things went.

“So how did you guys meet?” Louise asked, changing the conversation, “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Umm,” I said, looking to Dan, wondering what all I should say, “We met at the restaurant. I was serving Dan.”

“Okay,” she laughed, “I should’ve guessed. You don’t go out to many other places, do you?”

“No, not really,” I responded, adding a laugh for good measure so she didn’t realise she was walking on thin ice.

“How did you know?” she asked.

“I didn’t at first,” I told her, “I thought that he was pretty cute, and I could tell that his date wasn’t his soulmate. Then, ummm….”

“He kinda caught me throwing up my meal in the toilets,” Dan finished, “Not exactly romantic but it happened.”

“Ahh,” Louise nodded.

“Can I tell her the rest?” I asked Dan.

“Umm, okay,” he replied, sliding closer to me and resting his head on my chest.

“Yeah, I’d seen him get up and go to the toilet and then I got the worried feeling. I put two and two together pretty quickly and went to see if I could help him out,” I explained to Louise, my hand finding the back of Dan’s head. “After talking to him for a minute I went to get him a glass of water. As it happened, I bumped into Chris and he helped too, getting the water while I found a screwdriver to open the cubicle door. I asked him to stay around while I got to Dan. Once I’d got into Dan’s cubicle and I’d given him the water, I told him how I thought we were soulmates, but there were more important things to think about at the time.”

I paused my explanation for a second as my t-shirt was getting a little damp and Dan had just let out a sniff. Sliding my hands under him, I pulled him properly onto my lap and ran a hand up and down his back.

“Do you want to go to my room?” I whispered to him.

Dan shook his head, nuzzling his face further into my chest. I continued trying to physically comfort him as I continued speaking to Louise.

“That was when he… uhh… threw up some blood,” I continued.

Louise let out a shocked noise, “Oh my god, is he okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “Chris called an ambulance and I went to the hospital with him. He had a stomach ulcer but they operated on it and he’s on the mend now. They think it had developed because of the extra vomiting, and possibly taking the wrong painkillers on an empty stomach.”

I stopped talking again because Dan was now sobbing.

“Hey,” I said, bending my head down to whisper in his ear, “It’s okay; that’s all in the past now.”

“I.. I don’t want to remember,” he blurted, loud enough for Louise to hear.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, feeling bad for having made him listen to all of that.

I stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, holding Dan and pressing kisses to the top of his head as he sobbed into my chest. I could sense Louise felt a little awkward watching the scene, but I tried to flash her a look that said it would be okay. Eventually Dan managed to control the tears a little, the sobbing slowing down until it came to a stop.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay,” I said, “I understand, we all need to have a good cry sometimes.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, “You can continue telling Louise now.”

“You sure?” I asked him, “This can wait until another day.”

“It’s fine,” he said, “Just get it all over and done with.”

“Okay,” I said, adjusting my arms around him and looking back to Louise. “He was in the hospital for a few days, recovering from the operation and being drip fed because eating was kind of a complication. He’s been here for a week, and he’s doing pretty well - I’m proud of him. Today’s been a bit more of a struggle, but we’re getting through it, right Dan?”

“Mmmhmm,” he agreed, voice still just a mumble.

I decided that due to his current miserable state, today wouldn’t be a good day to bring up the panic attacks. It was time for a change in conversation topic if I wanted Dan to enjoy his evening at least a little bit.

“Do you guys want to put on a film or play a game or something?” I asked, looking down at Dan and across at Louise.

“That sounds good,” Louise said, “I’m fine with either? You? Dan?”

“Can we just watch a film?” he replied, “I’m not quite feeling up to anything else.”

Both Louise and I replied with some variant of ‘yes, that’s fine’. I left them to decide on the film and went to boil up the kettle for some more tea. Both Louise and I had finished our cups a while ago and Dan still seemed cold so I’d decided a hot drink would do him some good. While I was making the tea, I grabbed a cereal bar from the cupboard. I didn’t know whether I’d have any success, but I was hoping to coax Dan into eating at least a little of it.

Magically, when I returned to the living room, Dan and Louise were talking, about me so it seemed.

“You’re into video production? You know Phil sometimes makes cooking videos and puts them on YouTube?” Louise told him.

“I didn’t actually,” Dan replied, sounding surprised, “We’ve only known each other a week, haven’t quite learnt everything about him yet.”

“Hey,” I said, entering the room with the three cups of tea and cereal bar, “Talking about my cooking channel are we?”

“Yeah,” Louise said, “You hadn’t told Dan about it?”

“It hadn’t come up,” I laughed, “We’ve had a lot on our minds.”

“It’s just a hobby, really,” I explained, “When I’m not at work or cooking classes. I think I might like to be a chef someday but I’m not sure.”

“That’s cool,” Dan said, “I don’t really know what I want to do. Not law, anyway.”

“That’s okay,” I told him, “You’ll figure out eventually. It doesn’t matter if you don’t use your law degree; I don’t use my english one.”

I handed Dan and Louise their teas and laid mine down on a side table.

“Louise, do you want anything else to eat or are you alright with these biscuits?” I asked Louise, still remembering to be a good host.

“No, these are great,” she replied.

“Cool,” I said, grabbing one for myself and heading back to the sofa.

Once I was settled back next to Dan with my tea and biscuit, I pulled out the cereal bar.

“I brought you this,” I told him, “You don’t have to eat it, but if you can that would be great. It’s not a lot, just something to keep up your energy.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, continuing to sip at his tea and letting the cereal bar lay on top of his blanket-covered lap.

“Sorry, if you’re feeling like a third-wheel,” I apologised to Louise as I brought an arm around Dan once more.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” she replied, “Not gonna lie, you guys are really cute together.”

“Uhh… thanks,” Dan and I replied, almost in sync.

The three of us all laughed at that.

“See, you’re meant to be,” Louise commented.

I put on the film Louise and Dan had picked out and we spent the best part of the next two hours watching that. Dan nibbled at the cereal bar, but set it aside after eating only half. It was better than nothing, at least. As the time went on, Dan got progressively more clingy. I didn’t mind it, not at all, it was downright adorable actually, but as the film was getting near its end, I could see him struggling to keep his eyes open.

The next time I looked at him was as the credits were rolling. He was fast asleep. I looked over at Louise and caught her eye, then down at Dan and put a finger in front of my lips. I didn’t want to wake him up.

Very slowly and carefully, I got up from the sofa, doing my best not to disturb Dan. I wandered over to where Louise was sitting and bent down to whisper to her.

“I’d love to have you stay longer, but I should get that one to bed. He’s had a long day,” I told her.

“Don’t worry, I understand,” she replied, quietly getting up from the seat and following me out into the hallway. “Panic attacks take it out of you as well so I can see why he’s feeling down.”

I handed Louise her jacket back and as she put it on, I wondered how I was going to word the massive favour I was about to ask of her.

“Louise,” I started, “You know how you were offering to help us with anything… there is one thing you could do.”

“What?” She asked, “C’mon, spit it out.”

“Are you free tomorrow afternoon? From like half four until nine?” I asked, “Any chance you could keep an eye on Dan while I go to work?”

“Yep, I’m free,” she replied cheerily, “I’d love to. It’d be nice to get to know him a bit better.”

“Thank you so much,” I said, pulling her into a hug, “You’re the best.”

“Honestly, it’s no problem,” she laughed.

“Thank you,” I said again, releasing her from the hug, “There’s a few things you need to be careful with around him, but I’ll fill you in tomorrow, and I’ll make sure there’s something in the fridge for dinner. You’ll have to be patient with him though; I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

Thanking her once more, I let Louise out of my flat and wished her a safe journey home.

I carefully carried Dan from the living room to my bed and once I was ready, I joined him. It had been a long day and it was nice to get some well-deserved shut-eye.


	5. Away from You but not My Worries

**Phil's POV:**

The day hadn’t been going too badly when Louise appeared at the door just before four in the afternoon. I was just out the shower, still in a towel, as she’d arrived a little early.

“Dan, could you let Louise in?” I shouted to him.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, and I heard his feet plodding along the hallway to the front door.

I quickly flung my work clothes on and went to greet Louise. Dan was in the process of telling her that, yes, he was alright.

“Hey Louise,” I said, as soon as there was a gap in the conversation, “Thank you so much for coming round.”

“Hey Phil,” she said, giving me a brief hug, “Honestly, it’s okay.”

Louise released me from the hug and bent down to pick up a box from next to her feet.

“I bought these for you two,” she said, handing me the box, “You can share them or you can  _share_ them, your choice.”

I took the box and opened it up. A strong but pleasant smell hit me and I was met with the colourful sight of four bathbombs.

“Thank you so much,” I said, passing the bag to Dan so he could look too.

“It’s alright,” she said, “I felt like bringing you guys something and at first I wasn’t sure what, but everyone loves a good bath.”

“Thank you,” Dan added, still studying the bathbombs in wonder.

Louise smiled at Dan and then glanced at a nearby clock.

“Phil,” she said, “Shouldn’t you have left already? You start at half four, right?”

“Yeah, half four,” I told her, “I’ll be fine for another couple of minutes. Could you follow me to the kitchen so I can show you what we’ve got for dinner?”

“Sure,” Louise said, following me.

We went into the kitchen and Dan went back to the living room, still showing a complete disinterest in food.

I showed her two reasonably healthy chicken and vegetable dishes that I had bought in the Tesco order.

“There are two of these, but if you want you can order pizza for yourself,” I told her, “He won’t eat all of it and I’m not saying you would, but don’t force him to… and don’t let him go to the bathroom unaccompanied for about an hour after he’s eaten. If he does have to go, hang around outside the door and make sure everything’s alright. If anything happens or he needs me back here, please phone me.”

“Okay, I think I’ve got all of that,” Louise said,

“Thank you so much for doing this,” I said to her, “I’d better be off now. Oh, and make sure he’s not cold - there’s a blanket on the sofa and plenty of hoodies in my room.”

“Goodbye Phil,” she said, “Try not to worry too much.”

I said goodbye to Louise and hugged goodbye to Dan, feeling weird to be away from him for the first time in a week. I scrambled down the stairs, hopped into my car and drove off to the restaurant.

Concentrating on my job was a struggle, as all I could seem to focus on was Dan. I kept having flashbacks to the night I had met him. I had been working the later shift then, but some things were the same. I was serving the same group of tables, there were a fair number of couples out on dates. I’m pretty sure one of the couples had even been there that night.

Time seemed to pass incredibly slowly. I hoped it didn’t show too much in the quality of my work, but I was itching to get home. As far as I could tell, Dan hadn’t been sick, but I was in such a constant state of worry that I’m not sure if I would have been able to tell the difference. I’d made sure that my phone was in my pocket, rather than my jacket in the backroom, just in case Louise called me and I needed to go home.

My shift finished at nine o’clock and as soon as it was over, I talked to the manager and personally paid Dan’s bill from last week. I also apologised for the plate I had broken an hour beforehand in a lapse of attention.

I hurried back home, parked my car, locked it and hurried into the building. I almost ran up the stairs, because I needed to be sure he was okay. I unlocked the door of my flat, and shutting it behind me, hurried into the living room.

“Hi,” I greeted Dan and Louise, interrupting their conversation, “Is everything okay? I’ve been so worried.”

“Everything’s fine,” Louise said, getting up to welcome me back, “Dinner went alright. I’ve got to know Dan a little better. Nothing to stress about.”

I let out a sigh of relief and relaxed slightly, “Oh good.”

Dan came forward and wrapped his arms around me, “Phiww, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” I said hugging him back.

The hug lasted a good few seconds, me relaxing slightly more once I was in Dan’s arms.

“Phil, just saying, you’re really tense,” he said, hands rubbing up and down my back.

“I know; I’m sorry, I was just really worried about you,” I told him.

“I’m fine, you don’t need to be worried,” Dan replied, gently nudging my head with his until I rested mine on his shoulder.

“You know why I’m worried,” I told him, “And plus, I’m allowed to be. We’re soulmates after all.”

“Do you want to come sit down?” he asked me, “Tell us about work.”

“It wasn’t really that exciting,” I replied, following him to sit down anyhow.

“Phil,” Dan said, loosely putting an arm around me, “Please try and relax. Are you okay? Did something happen at work?”

“I’m fine,” I insisted, “I’m trying to relax. Work was just difficult. I love working at the restaurant but I just couldn’t really focus today. I even dropped a plate.”

Dan wrapped his arms around me a little tighter, “It’s okay.”

“Phil,” Louise spoke up from across the room, “I’m going to go and make you a cup of tea; you sound like you need it.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, trying to relax more into Dan’s arms.

Louise got up and went off to the kitchen. I felt a little bad for her doing this for me, but I was also very thankful.

“Do you want to talk about it, Phil?” Dan asked, moving his hands to rub my back again.

“Honestly, there’s nothing else to it,” I told him, “I’m sure you’ve had a bad day before, I’m just feeling a little down.”

“Yeah, I have,” Dan replied, “The tea will help. Do you want to put on a film? Have a bath? What helps you relax?”

“I don’t know,” I told him, “I haven’t felt like this in a while.”

“Okay,” he said, looking thoughtful.

A few minutes later, Louise appeared back with a mug of tea and a chocolate biscuit.

“Here, Phil,” she said, passing them to me, “Drink up.”

I thanked her and took the cup of tea. I let Dan and Louise talk as I slowly drank it; they seemed to be getting on pretty well, which I was happy to see.

It came to a break in the conversation and Dan looked down at me, “Phil, do you want to go and have a bath? You could use one of those bath bombs Louise brought and put on some music, like you did for me the other day.”

“I uhh…” I started, unsure how to say I didn’t want to be leaving Dan alone.

“Phil, I’ll stay here as long as you need,” Louise said, obviously seeing what I was worried about, “Go and do what Dan said, have a bath bomb, some music and relax. Maybe even a scented candle?”

“Okay,” I gave in, slowly getting up from the sofa.

“You go and get your pyjamas and whatever; Louise and I will get the bath sorted for you,” Dan said.

I left the living room and trekked down the hall to my bedroom. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. I could do this. I knew baths were meant to help you relax, and I had seen the effect on Dan earlier in the week. Both him and Louise were being so good to me, and for that I was very thankful. I loved them both so much, in different ways, but love is love.

I grabbed my pyjamas and made my way to the bathroom. If it had just been Dan and I here, I might very well have left my clothes in the bedroom, but that was the difference between the two relationships. Louise was a friend, and would never be anything more than that. Dan, however, we were destined to be lovers, to spend our lives together. It was inevitable that he would see me naked sooner or later.

Dan and Louise had obviously been very busy. By the time I got to the bathroom, the bath was nearly full, a bath bomb gently fizzling and creating colourful swirls throughout the water. One of my favourite scented candles was burning on the shelf. Dan and Louise were standing in the corner, waiting to see my reaction.

“Thank you guys,”  I said, doing my best to hug both of them at the same time.

“It’s alright Phil,” Louise replied, “I’ll leave you to get naked now.”

“I’ll go too,” Dan added, “Unless you want me to stay, that is?”

“You go,” I told him, “I know you’ll be fine with Louise and I could probably do with some alone time.”

“Alright,” Dan said, brushing his hand against mine on his way out, “And take as long as you need.”

Dan shut the door behind him and I stripped, set some relaxing music playing on my phone, and got into the bath. I tried to push away all my worries and focus on the good things. I shut my eyes, leant back and let the music seep into my ears. I thought of Dan and how someday we would be so much stronger. We hadn’t even kissed properly yet, but I knew I would marry him someday. I wondered what he’d look like then; hopefully he would have put a little weight back on and be happy with it. Dan’s smile was quickly becoming my favourite thing in the entire world. I looked forward to seeing it more often. Even over the week he’d been here, he seemed to be smiling more. I knew it was going to be a long bumpy journey for him to be truly happy again, but he’d made a start, and I was going to be there to support him.

Thinking about our future helped to alleviate my worries. It was refreshing to have so much faith in the future, knowing that he was the man I was going to spend my life with. To make our relationship the strongest it could be, I’d have to be careful not to push his boundaries, but I believed that someday we would take down those barriers together.

I spent the best part of an hour in the bath, but by the end of it, I was feeling quite good. It had worked, the stress and worry from work had been lifted from my shoulders and a blanket of calm placed over me. I was glad Dan and Louise had made me have a bath; I would’ve still been stressed if they hadn’t. I needed to thank them for that.

Wrapping a towel around myself, I dried up all the water droplets left on my body. I was still a little damp as I put my pyjamas on, but that didn’t matter because I felt  _good_. I wiped clear a circle in the steamed up mirror and looked at my face. I was a little pink, in fact very pink, but even I could see that I looked better than I had before the bath. It was time to go back to the living room to thank Dan and Louise, and let Louise go home.

“Hi,” I said, walking into the living room.

‘Hi Phil, you feeling a little better?” Louise asked.

“I am actually,” I told both of them, “Thanks guys.”

“It’s okay,” Louise said, “And you look less tense too.”

Dan got up from his seat and hugged me.

“Yep, you seem more relaxed,” he laughed, “And also, you smell amazing.”

“Uhh.. thanks,” I laughed, hugging him back.

“Come sit down,” Dan said, pulling me towards the sofa.

I sat next to Dan on the sofa and almost immediately, he snuggled up next to me.

“Aww,” I commented, seeing the cute expression on his face.

“You’re warm,” he explained, “And I’m not.”

“Ahh,” I commented, pulling him a little closer to me.

“How have you guys been getting on?” I asked, looking from Louise to Dan and back again.

“Pretty well,” Louise said, smiling, “You know, we’ve told each other a little about each other; I may have shown him a little of your cooking channel, not too much though.”

“Ahh nice,”  I said, “I’m happy you’re becoming friends.”

“Louise also told me a bit more about panic attacks,” Dan told me, his voice sounding a little nervous.

“That’s good,” I said, mouthing a quick ‘thanks’ at Louise, “What did she tell you? Are you feeling a bit better about that now?”

“That… umm… it’s completely normal to have the odd one now and then,” he said, hesitantly, “That it probably just happened because I’m scared of people touching my stomach; a few ways of how to help myself calm down if it happens again. Yeah, I’m feeling a bit better about it.”

“Okay, good,” I replied, “If all goes well, you won’t need any more doctors touching your tummy.”

“What about you though?” Dan asked, sounding a bit worried, “What if I can never let you touch my stomach, because someday that might get in the way of… other things?”

“Dan, it’ll be okay,” I told him, “We’ll work on it, take it as slowly as you need.”

“Thanks,” he said quietly, near to my ear, then softly pressing his lips to my cheek.

A number of seconds later, I looked over at Louise. I already felt bad for keeping her longer than we’d previously arranged, and now I was out the bath, there was no reason for her to be staying if she didn’t want to.

“Louise,” I started, “You can go now if you want; Dan and I’ll be okay. It’s getting towards bedtime anyway.”

“Yeah, I might go,” she said, getting up from the seat, “Thank you so much for having me though, it’s been a pleasure.”

“It’s alright,” I told her, releasing Dan and going over to hug her goodbye, “Thank  _you_  so much for coming, and for the bath bombs.”

“No problem,” she said with a big smile on her face.

Both Dan and I went with Louise to the door, her embracing him in a slightly wary loose hug before she left. We watched from the window and once she had driven away in her car, we returned to the sofa.

We shared a mutual hug, both of us feeling the need to simultaneously hold the other in our arms while being held by him. I was feeling mostly good, and as far as I could tell, Dan was too. In our closeness, I could feel his breath on my lips and in glancing down, I could see how close his lips were to mine. This felt like a perfect opportunity and I didn’t know when the next one would be.

I brought my hand up to gently caress the side of Dan’s head, and brought together the two halves of one heart, the two sets of lips that were previously only millimetres apart. Dan immediately responded and began kissing back. I would say that not even words could describe how perfect it felt, but that would be too cheesy. Kissing Dan was something new that I couldn’t compare to anything else. Kissing Dan was kissing Dan and no one would get to know what it’s like, other than me.

As soon as we pulled apart, I had to wipe a tear from my eye, “That was… just… I’m speechless.”

“Me too,” Dan replied, pulling me back for another kiss.

Our first kiss was a new beginning, a new step in our relationship, another step along Dan’s road to recovery. It was to quickly become our shared favourite activity, but the hugging would be anything but ignored. That night we went to sleep hugging tighter than was comfortable for either of us, but it didn’t matter. We were where we were meant to be: together.


	6. Halloween Horrors

**Phil's POV:**

The long days of sun were now behind us and the leaves were falling in orange blankets from the trees. The seasons weren’t the only thing changing; Dan had got a lot better over the past month or so. He was now eating almost as much as me and didn’t seem to be struggling too much with it. We still had the odd day where I could barely persuade him to eat anything or where he did throw up a meal, but he was getting better.

Seeing his weight on the scales was still a struggle for him, and it would often be weighing day that would be a bad day for him. I hated how bad it made him feel, but the doctors were still saying it was very important to keep an eye on his weight. He was now around the minimum healthy weight for his height and build, which was amazing, but we still had to be careful.

I did my best to regularly remind him how beautiful he was and how the food he was eating would make him even more beautiful. It had taken a lot of time and effort to get him to be comfortable being naked around me, but one lustful evening had got us there quicker than I had expected. That had led to a couple of handjobs, but at that point nothing more.

Once that particular patch of ice had been broken, there wasn’t really a lot keeping us from going all the way. Our first proper time was caring and relatively slow. It was one of his bad days and I needed to make him feel good. What led us there, I wasn’t quite sure, but Dan was needing some love and I was glad to make it to him. There was a lot of stretching and foreplay to get him ready, but eventually I was inside him, rhythmically hitting on his prostate. It was slow enough not to hurt him, but fast enough to give him the pleasure he needed. Some extremely genuine ‘I love you’s were exchanged that night as we lay naked in each other's’ arms.

Dan had decided to drop out of university rather than retake his exams. He had the opportunity to return the next year if he wanted to, but at the time of the retakes, he wouldn’t have coped with them.

For a while Louise, and sometimes Chris, would stay with Dan as I worked, but it got to a stage where I trusted him enough to leave him alone, but with me available on the phone. I would know if he threw up anyway, and had permission from my boss to leave immediately if I needed to. I was glad I had an understanding boss.

Today was the thirty-first of October, halloween, and so far, was being an okay day for Dan. It wasn’t a good day, but in no way was it a bad day. He was eating, and keeping it down, but as was quite common, I could sense he wasn’t entirely happy.

Chris had invited both of us to a halloween party in the evening, if Dan was feeling up to it, that was. I still hadn’t made my mind up whether or not we should go. Dan said that he wanted to, but I was worried that there may be a lot of sweets, and possibly activities such as eating doughnuts of off strings; I’d have to keep a close eye on him if he went. The alternative would be cuddling up on the sofa watching horror films which was probably a better idea.

“Dan, are you sure you want to go to Chris’s party?” I asked him.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he confirmed, “I felt like I haven’t been out in ages and maybe I just need something a little different.”

“Okay, we’ll go,” I told him, “Just remember, I’m there if you need anything.”

Both of us got dressed up in fairly unimaginative supermarket costumes. Deciding we were going had been a last minute thing, so we hadn’t had the time to plan anything more elaborate. We took a taxi to Chris’s place, so that I could allow myself a drink or two and not have to worry about driving my car home.

Chris greeted us both with hugs at the door, saying that it was nice to see us both again. He then let us into his house, which was already packed with costumed guests and music. I kept a hold of Dan’s hand until I found some people I knew. PJ was Chris’s soulmate, but also one of my friends from university. A few of my other uni friends were with him and I felt like this was a good group to introduce Dan to.

“Hey guys, long time no see,” I greeted them, letting go of Dan’s hand as I was met with hugs.

“Phil, it’s great to see you again,” PJ said; a number of the others replying with similar greetings.

“This is Dan,” I said, putting my arm around his shoulder so they would know who I was talking about, “My soulmate.”

“Congrats buddy,” John, another of my uni friends, exclaimed, “Hi Dan.”

“Thanks,” I replied, while Dan said hello back, “Any of the rest of you met your soulmates since we last saw each other?”

I looked around the circle and everyone who hadn’t shook their head.

“Nope, seems like only you, Phil,” John commented, “How did you guys meet?”

I looked to Dan, encouraging him to reply and get involved in the conversation.

“We met at the restaurant where Phil works, he was serving me,” Dan explained, “I was on a date, but it was going pretty terribly anyway.”

“Did Phil just interrupt your date then?” one of my friends asked.

“Umm, not really, it’s kind of more complicated than that,” Dan explained hesitantly.

All my friends looked to me for an explanation, well apart from PJ - Chris had probably told him.

“Leave it,” I told them, “It’s kind of personal.”

–

The evening was going pretty well. I’d had a few drinks, but not enough to get me drunk. Dan had had a couple, and I was guessing he had a lower alcohol tolerance than me, because he seemed a bit tipsy. In his mildly drunk state, he had eaten a handful of haribos, which so far hadn’t bothered him. I hoped he wouldn’t remember that tomorrow. I decided get him some water and take him outside for a little fresh air, not wanting him to get any more drunk than he already was.

I filled a glass of water from the kitchen sink and took Dan’s hand, “Let’s go outside for a little bit.”

It didn’t take any persuasion to get Dan to come with me; I took his hand and he followed me outside. He seemed a little unstable, so I sat down with him on the grass. Maybe he had had more to drink than I’d realised. I did leave him with my uni friends for five or ten minutes while I went to talk to Chris.

“Dan, did you have more drinks when I wasn’t there?” I asked him, even though I didn’t really expect a decent answer.

“M not sure,” he mumbled.

“Here, drink this water,” I suggested, passing him the glass, “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, “Just a bit… maybe had too much…”

“Yeah, I think you have,” I told him, “We’ll stay here for a while, you’ll be okay.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, leaning his head against my shoulder while continuing to drink his water.

After about ten minutes, I noticed Dan was shivering a lot. The halloween costumes we’d bought weren’t any warmer than a thin shirt. I should’ve thought to suggest he wore a vest or something underneath. I got as close as I could to him and tightened my arm around him.

“You’re cold, I think we should go back inside,” I told him, “That okay?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

I got to my feet and offered him a hand up, he seemed a little bit more sober now which was good, but I’d maybe get him another glass of water anyway. We went back inside, via the kitchen, where I refilled the glass. We returned to my group of uni friends, most of whom were chatting in a corner.

“Hey,” PJ greeted us, “Where’d you guys go?”

“Just outside,” I told him, “This one’s gotten himself a little drunk. Some water and fresh air has helped a little.”

“Ahh,” he said, eyes glancing over all the other drunk looking people in the room, “He’s not the only one who’s had too many.”

We got back into the flow of conversation for a while, that was, until Dan tapped me on the shoulder.

“Phil, I need the bathroom,” he said, sounding pretty desperate. The hand that hadn’t tapped my shoulder was firmly cupped around his crotch.

“Oh god, Dan,” I commented, seeing the state he was in, “On you go, it’s just that door over there.”

I pointed Dan in the direction of the bathroom and watched as he hurried towards it. Fortunately it wasn’t occupied as I’m not sure he could’ve waited very long. I kept my eyes focused on the door, waiting for him to re-emerge and sure enough, a couple of minutes later he reappeared, looking a lot more comfortable.

Dan started back across the room, his gaze meeting mine. That was until a tall brown haired lady walked into his path and stopped him. At that moment, I wished there had been silence so I could hear what she was saying. I didn’t know her, and I wondered what connection she had to Dan, if any.

She only spoke to Dan for a couple of seconds before he turned around and ran back in the direction of the toilet. I knew immediately that I needed to go after him and ask what had happened but before I could even start moving, an all too familiar feeling of worry took over me. I bolted away from my group of friends, making it to the bathroom as fast as I could.

I tried the door, which fortunately he hadn’t locked in his rush to get in there, and went in quickly, locking it behind me. Dan was kneeling in front of the toilet, vomit dribbled down his chin, shoving his fingers down his throat again.

“Dan,” I approached him, “Please stop, talk to me.”

“No,” Dan choked, violently throwing up a watery mixture that was probably mainly alcohol and water.

I grabbed his wrists to stop him from trying to throw up any more. I needed to know what had happened, what had caused this - was it something that lady had said?

“Dan, please tell me what happened,” I demanded softly.

“I..” he started, stopping suddenly and grabbing his throat, “Burns.”

“Dan, you need some water. Let me help you up and over to the sink,” I told him, “Can you manage?”

Dan nodded weakly. I slid my arms under his armpits and helped him to the sink. I kept a hold of him while he stuck his head under the tap, rinsing his mouth and taking a drink. When Dan lifted his head from the sink again, I let him sit back down on the floor in front of the toilet. I grabbed some toilet paper to dry off his face and flushed it down the toilet with everything else.

“Dan,” I said softly, crouching down in front of him, “Please, you need to tell me what happened.”

“I… she… Nora,” he said, speaking individual words between panicked breaths.

“Dan, who’s Nora?” I asked him, rubbing my hand up and down his arm.

Dan shook his head frantically, “I.. No.. she’s…”

“She’s…?” I encouraged him.

“My ex,” he said, choking on the words.

Those two words hit me like a bullet train. The ex who had said the things to Dan that made him develop an eating disorder. The ex who hit him. The ex who had left such bad memories with him, that he couldn’t go into his own flat without reliving them. Whatever she’d said couldn’t have been good.

It wouldn’t do him any good to try and extract her exact words right now, that could wait. I needed to calm Dan down, because I was pretty sure he was having a panic attack again. He was crying hard, tears running in rivulets down his cheeks, breathing loud and uneven, his entire body shaking.

It was a lot to deal with, but I had to stay calm for his sake. I’d helped him through with it once, I could do it again. I sat down beside him, and checking it was okay first, loosely wrapped my arms around him. It took a long time, but eventually we were both breathing to a pattern. The crying reduced to the occasional sniff and the shaking to a slight tremble.

A couple of people had knocked at the door while I was trying to help Dan and I had told them to go away, as politely as I could. Another knock sounded and I was about to say that we’d be out in a minute, when a familiar voice spoke my name.

“Phil,” PJ spoke, “Are you still in there? Is everything alright?”

“Ummm..” I started hesitantly, unsure what to tell him, “Dan’s not well.”

“Alright… Is it… Chris told me he had…” PJ spoke, I think trying to ask if it was Dan’s eating disorder, but unsure how.

“Yeah, it is,” I told him, “Hold on, let me unlock the door.”

I let go of Dan and kissed his forehead, before going to open the door for PJ.

“Hey,” I said, greeting a worried looking PJ.

“What happened? Is Dan okay? Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

“There’s a Nora at this party,” I said, worriedly glancing at Dan in case he reacted badly to the name, “Do you know her?”

“Uhh, I think she’s one of Chris’s friends’ girlfriend,” he said, “Why?”

“Ahh, I recommend they dump her,” I said, keeping everything I said quiet so Dan wouldn’t hear too much, “She’s Dan’s ex, the one that led him into an developing eating disorder in the first place. She’s also potentially abusive.”

“Eeek,” PJ said, shocked at everything I just told him.

“Yeah, she said something to him. I’m not sure what yet, but it’s triggered a relapse. He made himself sick a couple of times before I could get him to stop… and had a panic attack somewhere in amongst that,” I explained quietly.

“Oh my,” PJ said, still incredibly shocked, “Can I do anything to help? Get him some water? Do you guys want a bed for the night?”

“I think it’ll be best for us to go home,” I said, “But water would be great… oh and a blanket if you can - he’s freezing.”

“Okay,” he said, “You guys stay there, I’ll get Chris to call you a taxi too.”

PJ left and I shut the door, this time leaving it unlocked, and settled back next to Dan on the floor.

“Peej is getting you some water and a blanket,” I told him, “And we’re going home soon.”

I wrapped my arms around Dan’s still trembling figure and let him sit on my lap. He rested his head on my shoulder, something he was in the habit of doing when he was really tired.

“Try not to fall asleep here,” I told him, “It won’t be very comfortable.”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, sounding as tired as he looked.

A knock sounded on the door and Pj opened it slightly and stuck his head into the room.

“Hey, I’ve got water and a blanket,” he said, bringing over the said items to Dan and I.

I took the blanket first and wrapped it around Dan the best I could. PJ passed the water straight to Dan, who accepted it with trembling hands.

“Chris has called for a taxi,” he told us, “It’s on its way. Do you want to stay here or go somewhere more comfortable? It’ll be about five minutes.”

I looked to Dan to see whether he had an opinion on moving.

“Can we just stay here?” he said, “There’s too many people everywhere else.”

“Sure,” PJ said, “Chris is keeping an eye out for the taxi, I’ll make sure people use the other toilet at the moment.”

I knew Dan would feel bad about throwing up in Chris and PJ’s toilet so I decided I’d offer to clean it.

“Hey Peej, have you got some cleaning stuff and I’ll clean up the toilet?” I asked him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, “Chris or I will sort it out later,” he said, “You focus on Dan, he’s more important than my toilet being super clean.”

“You sure?” I asked him, “Thank you.”

“Sorry for ruining your party,” Dan mumbled, looking up at PJ.

“You haven’t ruined it,” PJ said, crouching down to get on a level with Dan and I, “Please don’t worry about it, I understand.”

“Thanks,” Dan sniffed, returning his face to hiding in the crook of my neck.

A phone buzz sounded in the room. PJ dug into his pocket and pulled his phone out.

“That’s the taxi here,” he told us, “Did you guys bring coats with you?”

“No we didn’t,” I told him, letting Dan get off my lap before I stood up.

I helped Dan to his feet and put an arm around him, supportively, “You’ll manage to walk out to the car, right?”

“Yeah, think so,” he said.

PJ moved to Dan’s other side and put an arm around him too, “I’m here too, ‘kay.”

I thanked PJ for his help and we got going, leaving the bathroom and heading towards the front door. We did get a couple of funny looks, but I don’t think Dan noticed, he had other things to focus on.

When we got to the taxi, PJ let go of Dan and he got into the taxi by himself, me following closely after. Dan was still wrapped in PJ’s blanket, so I made a mental note to give that back the next time I saw either him or Chris. I said goodbye to PJ, thanked him for helping out and shut the car door.

The journey home went as smoothly as it could. I think the taxi driver sensed that something was wrong and gave us peace. Dan was leaning on me; I was probably the only thing keeping him upright. We pulled up outside my flat, where I paid the driver. I engulfed Dan back into my arms as he stepped out the car. I decided to carry him up to my flat, and to that, he didn’t protest. He barely had the energy to stand up, never mind do stairs.

I took him straight to my bedroom, where he sat down on the bed with a sigh.

“Do you just want to go to bed?” I asked him, “We can talk about it in the morning if you want?”

“That would be good,” Dan said tiredly, starting to take his costume off.

“Okay,” I said, passing him pyjamas and a hoodie, “You get ready for bed. How’re you feeling?”

“Pretty shit to be honest,” he said, pulling the pyjamas on.

“Do you want another drink of water or anything?” I asked, “A hot drink?”

“I don’t know,” he replied.

“I’ll make you some tea,” I told him, “Decaf though, because you need sleep.”

“Okay,” Dan agreed, now pulling the hoodie over his head.

“Right, you get into bed, I’ll bring you the tea in a couple of minutes,” I told him, “Shout if you need me.”

I wasn’t entirely happy about leaving him alone, knowing that he was in no way mentally stable. However, I wasn’t wanting to make him come to the kitchen when he could be in bed. I put the kettle on and returned to the room while it boiled, then again while the tea infused, leaving him alone for as little time as possible.

I put milk in the tea, and a little sugar, but not so much that he’d notice. I took it to my room and sat down next to him on my bed, passing him the mug and cuddling up next to him.

“Here you go,” I said, “Drink up, and then you can go to sleep.”

Dan thanked me for the tea and then sat silently drinking it. I sat with one arm around him, not saying anything, giving him the opportunity to say anything he needed to me.

When Dan finished the tea, he continued to stare thoughtfully into the bottom of the mug.

“You okay there?” I asked him.

“Hmm… just generally feeling a bit sad,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay to be sad sometimes,” I told him, hugging him a little closer and pressing kisses to the side of his face. “It’ll go away; you’ll feel better soon.”

Dan let out a sniff and buried his face further into my neck.

“Hey, don’t cry,” I told him, “How about you try and get some sleep and we can talk about everything in the morning if you want.”

“Okay,” he agreed tiredly.

I let Dan out of my hug so that he could lie down. Once he was settled, lying on his side facing me. I turned the main light off so it was just the lamp on.

“You try and get some sleep,” I told him, “I’ll stay here until you’re asleep and then I need to do a couple of things and then I’ll come to bed myself.”

Dan shut his eyes and I remained by his side, not holding his hand, but having one hand resting on the duvet on top of him. I sat quietly for a while, until eventually I heard his breathing was slow and steady. I didn’t really want to get up and leave him, but one of us had to lock up and put the lights off.

Ten minutes later, after doing all the bedtime tasks such as teeth brushing and changing into my pyjamas, I climbed into bed and switched off the lamp. I moved around carefully so I hopefully wouldn’t wake Dan up, settling with just my arm draped over his side.

Tonight was a night where I needed him close, I needed him to know he was safe. I hoped he’d sleep through the night, because tomorrow was going to be a difficult day for both of us. This evening had been the worst relapse since I’d met him and I could tell it was going to take a bit of effort to get him back to where he’d been. Hopefully tomorrow he would tell me what this ‘Nora’ had said. In all honesty, I didn’t want to know and he wouldn’t want to tell me, but it had to be done. It had to be done to get him back on his path to recovery.

I went to sleep knowing that tomorrow would be a difficult day, but we all have difficult days. We just need to get through them and everything will be alright.

—

When I awoke, Dan was still by my side, the only difference being the way his face was nuzzled into my chest and his legs loosely tangled with mine. Waking him up felt like the worst thing I could do but I knew it was necessary. Seeing as I hadn’t set any alarms last night, it was nearly midday and I didn’t want to get our sleep schedule any more messed up.

I untangled my legs from his and put a little distance between us.

“Dan,” I spoke, “Time to wake up.”

Dan stirred a little but otherwise showed no signs of being awake.

“Dan,” I repeated, this time leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

Dan moved a little more, but this time opened one eye, peered out and groaned.

“Hey,” I said, “You okay? It’s time to wake up.”

“Too fuckin’ bright,” he grumbled, “M’head’s killin’ me.”

I looked over at the blinds. We were both tired last night so I’d never bothered to shut the dark curtains in front of them.

“You stay there, I’ll shut the curtains over and get you some paracetamol,” I told him, jumping out of bed to shut the curtains before the light bothered him any more.

I pulled over the curtains and made my way to the kitchen where the medicine cupboard was. I was glad to see that we still had some paracetamol left; Dan had been through quite a number in the last month or two. He was bothered by headaches quite regularly, but recently I’d been trying to find more natural remedies as having painkillers so regularly isn’t good for you.

Today, his headache was most likely the result of last night’s alcohol consumption, rather than just a remnant of his eating disorder. He seemed quite hungover, and if he hadn’t puked a lot of it up last night, I would’ve guessed he’d have his head in the toilet this morning.

Filling a large glass of water, I took the painkillers and returned to my room. Dan had moved a little and was now curled up on his side with one hand clutching his forehead and the other on his stomach.

“Hey,” I said, keeping my voice soft and quiet, “Do you want to sit up and you can have some paracetamol?”

“Ughh ‘kay,” Dan groaned, turning round and slowly pushing himself up until he was leaning back against the headboard.

“Here you go,” I said, passing him the tablets and the glass of water.

I sat next to Dan, and once he’d swallowed the tablets, put an arm around him. He was about to lay the remaining water to the side when I stopped him.

“Maybe finish it,” I suggested, “It’ll help.”

“But I feel sick,” Dan protested.

“Please?” I asked him, “Trust me, it’ll help you feel better.”

Slowly and begrudgingly, Dan finished the water. When he was done, I brought him into a proper hug, where he laid his head on my chest tiredly. I was so tempted to suggest he went back to sleep, but I reminded myself about the sleep schedule. Instead, I realised that it would probably be an idea for him to get up and do something.

“You want to go have a shower or something?” I suggested, “Go for a walk?”

“Not really,” he replied miserably.

“Dan please, you need to do something,” I told him.

Dan looked up at me, his sad eyes meeting mine. I didn’t know what to say next. I didn’t want to let him mope around in bed all day, but it looked like he was on the verge of tears.

I decided, well I didn’t really decide, but I ended up abandoning the conversation. Instead, I went back to just cuddling him. A bit longer wouldn’t do any harm.

Eventually, when Dan’s headache had subsided a little, I did persuade him to get out of bed. I encouraged him to go for a shower and brush his teeth, because I had a feeling that being clean and fresh would make him feel a little better.

While Dan was in the shower, I sent a text to my boss to inform him of the situation and say that I wouldn’t be going to work this evening. There was no way I was leaving Dan alone today, and likely for the next couple of days. I told him that Dan had had a relapse with his eating disorder, as I’d explained the whole situation a while ago when I missed a lot of work.

When Dan emerged from the shower, red faced, curly haired and wrapped in a towel, I had to remind myself that sex was a no-go area at the moment, until I was satisfied he had emotionally recovered from bumping into his ex. That was something we needed to talk about.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” I asked him, as he changed into some comfortable clothes.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “I don’t feel great but I feel less hungover.”

“Okay, that’s good,” I said, smiling encouragingly, “It’s a start.”

“Now,” I said, dragging Dan to the living room with me, “I’m not going to push you on this today, but do you think you could manage some breakfast?”

Dan shook his head, “I don’t think I’ll be able to keep anything down. I still feel really sick.”

I didn’t know if he was still genuinely feeling sick or if he was just saying it to avoid eating, but as I’d said, I didn’t push it.

“Okay,” I said, thinking how I would need to make sure he ate something for lunch, “I’ll get myself something, but feel free to change your mind.”

I grabbed myself a bowl of cereal and sat down with Dan on the couch.

“As much as you don’t want to talk about this, we have to,” I started, looking at Dan, “What did she say, yesterday?”

Dan looked at me like I’d just asked him to jump off a cliff; both scared and looking at me as if I were crazy.

“I…” Dan started and then hesitated.

“You can do it,” I encouraged him, putting my spoon back in my bowl and placing my hand on his leg.

Dan hesitated and took a big shaky breath, before opening his mouth to speak.

“She said, ‘Wow Dan, you’ve gained so much weight since I last saw you. You’re even fatter before. No one will want you now, you worthless piece of flab’,” Dan said quoting the words as if they hadn’t left his head since, which they probably hadn’t.

I pushed my cereal completely to the side and scooped him up onto my lap, “Try not to let any of that get to you. I know it’s hard, but listen to me. You’re not fat, and in no way are you a worthless piece of flab. You’re a beautiful work of art and my favourite person in the world.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled, “I am fat though.”

At that moment, there was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise, “Dan, just listen to me. You are not fat. You might think you are, but remember what the doctors said, you have to accept that your perception of your body is clouded by the mental part of this, okay.”

Dan nodded and curled up a little more in my lap.

“Thank you for telling me that,” I said, rubbing his back comfortingly, “It helps if I know what’s bothering you.”

“Thanks for making me tell you,” Dan replied, “I never realise until afterwards, but it’s nice to get some things off my chest.”

“Anything else you want to get off your chest, I’m always here,” I reminded him.

“There is one other thing…” Dan said nervously.

“What?” I asked him.

“My parents… they know about you, obviously, but the last time I talked to them on the phone they said that they’d like to meet you,” he told me.

“That’s okay, I don’t mind meeting them,” I told him.

“That’s good but that’s not the problem,” he said, “I don’t want to go home because I gain so much weight every time I do because my parents go all out on the cooking and I don’t want to have all that pressure on me to eat. Also, if I’m as underweight as you say I am, they might notice and ask me about it and I can’t..”

“Ahhh,” I said, now understanding his apprehension, “Don’t worry about it, we’ll think of something.”

“But then there’s Christmas too, I have to go home at Christmas and then there’ll be a massive meal and I can’t do it,” he blurted.

“It’s okay, Dan,” I said rubbing his back, “You don’t need to worry about Christmas at the moment; it’s still two months away. A lot can change in that time.”

“But what about you meeting my parents?” he asked, “They keep bugging me about it each time I talk to them and I’m running out of excuses.”

“Let me think,” I said, needing a minute to contemplate the different options.

We couldn’t really go to Dan’s parents house without staying over, it was too far away. I wondered about inviting them up here, but then I didn’t have a spare room. Neither did Dan’s student flat, but that was irrelevant; he practically lived at mine now anyway. We tried to avoid going there as much as possible because the place was full of bad memories for Dan. His lease was up soon, and we’d decided that he would just move into mine because continuing it would be pointless. At some point we’d look for a place with a little more space, but that could wait until next year. Moving house would be a lot for Dan at the moment. Clearing out his flat would be difficult enough.

The next option I contemplated was meeting up with Dan’s parents somewhere between here and there, but that would involve staying in a hotel and going out for meals. Before today, I’d thought he might manage going out for a meal, but that plan would have to be postponed for a bit.

“How about we skype them?” I suggested, a sudden brainwave, “Just say that I’m a little busy with work or something to make the trip at the moment, but I’d love to say hello.”

“That could work…” Dan said slowly, obviously thinking through the idea as he spoke, “Yeah, that’s a great idea. I shall text them.”

Dan reached his hand to his pocket, patted his pocket and stopped, “Ughh, my phone’s in the bedroom.”

“I’ll get it for you if you want,” I told him, “But you’ll need to move off my lap.”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll get it,” Dan said, getting to his feet.

“Okay,” I said, happy to see he was feeling up to it.

Dan did as he said and texted his parents. They replied quickly, with a suggested time of eight pm tonight. I told Dan that that was fine, I’d called off work anyway for the day. Dan replied saying that we’d skype them at eight, and that was final.

It suddenly crossed my mind, that although I had texted my boss about not going to work, I should also tell Chris, especially as I’d told him yesterday that I’d see him today.

Phil: Hey, just saying I won’t be at work this evening. I presume PJ told you all what happened last night - need to look after him

Chris: He did tell me :/ Is Dan okay? How’s he doing?

Phil: Not great… he’s hungover and I haven’t got him to eat anything yet

Chris: Ahhh… I guess just make sure he has enough water and keep trying?

Phil: Yeah, I’ll see what I can do with lunch

Chris: If I can be of any help pls tell me

Phil: thanks buddy

As I’d told Chris, I did try and get Dan to eat at lunch. I made him a sandwich, chicken and lettuce on one slice of bread, and put it on a plate in front of him.

“At least give it a shot,” I told him, “A couple of bites?”

Dan surprised me by eating the whole sandwich. I was pleased and I let him know I was proud of him, but not overbearingly so. However, good things don’t always last and I ended up following Dan to the toilet as he made himself throw up his lunch. I didn’t have the chance to try and stop him, it all happened so quickly. I did the little I could, taking him into my arms when it was over, getting him a drink of water, helping him to his feet so he could wash his face.

I asked Dan if he would rather move his parents skype call to tomorrow, but he insisted he would still be okay to continue with it today. I guess he had the rest of the afternoon to recover.

When Dan was feeling a little better, I managed to persuade him to go for a walk. I made sure he was wrapped up warm enough for a chilly November afternoon, and we went for a short walk in the surrounding area. It was refreshing to get outside and have some fresh air. I hadn’t noticed it until now, but the flat had been getting a little stuffy. I made a mental note to open up some windows when we got back.

I had taken a little food with me on our walk, a cereal bar, an apple, some chocolate, a bottle of lucozade and a bottle of water. It was more of an emergency food supply than a plan to eat. I didn’t know how Dan’s body was coping with the lack of food today, and I felt it was important I had some food on me in case he started to feel faint or anything.

Fortunately, Dan was completely fine, and I didn’t have to force him to eat in the middle of a park. We got home, and he seemed okay; I had faith in him that he might manage some dinner.

We had dinner around seven. It was slightly cutting it fine with Dan’s skype call, but I’d had to make a food order to get some food in first. We shared a large microwave pasta that was meant to serve one, but realistically would do us both. I served a small portion onto Dan’s plate at first, so that it wasn’t too daunting. The rest remained in the box until he was ready. In the end, he declined any more, but that didn’t matter as long as he kept down what he’d eaten.

I left Dan in the living room setting up the skype call, while I took the dishes to the kitchen. I returned as quickly as possible and was relieved to see that he was doing okay. I sat down next to him and saw that he had his mouse hovering over his Dad’s call button.

“You ready?” I asked him, “Do you want me to sit out of shot at the start?”

“That might be an idea, just so I can say hi first and then introduce you,” Dan said, “I think I’m ready.”

“Go for it then,” I said, sliding sideways but leaving my hand on his knee.

Dan took a deep breath and hit the call button. The ringing sound didn’t even have the time to play once through before the call was being picked up.

“Hello Dan,” a woman’s voice, I presumed to be Dan’s mum’s said.

“Hi mum, hi Dad,” Dan replied, looking incredibly nervous to me.

I gave Dan’s knee a gentle squeeze and he looked over at me. ‘It’s okay,’ I mouthed at him.

“How are you guys?” Dan asked, looking back at his webcam

“We’re both doing alright,” Dan’s father replied, “I was out trimming the pyracantha hedge this afternoon and your mum was doing some weeding.”

“Yes, we had a good day in the garden,” his mum added, “How are you Dan? You look like you’ve lost a little weight; have you been eating enough?”

I felt Dan tense up. I hoped he could answer this, otherwise I might have to butt in before I was introduced.

“Yeah, I’ve been a bit unwell. I had a stomach bug not long ago and I think I might be coming down with another one,” Dan lied.

“You should have told me,” Dan’s mum explained, “You need someone to look after you if you’re sick.”

“I have Phil…” Dan said hesitantly, a small smile growing on his face, “He’s been amazing.”

“So you said we could meet this Phil tonight?” Dan’s dad asked.

“Yes, he’s sitting next to me. Phil come into shot,” Dan said, beckoning me closer.

I closed the short distance between us on the sofa and slid the laptop partially onto my lap too.

“Hi, I’m Phil,” I said, greeting Dan’s parents as I studied their slightly grainy image on the screen.

Dan’s parents both introduced themselves, and then asked me a few questions about my culinary training and my job, which I answered with relative ease.

“So how did you guys meet?” his mum, Catherine, asked.

“Phil was serving me at the restaurant where he works,” Dan explained.

Dan very carefully told them a little about the initial progression of our relationship, while leaving out everything about the hospital and his eating disorder. I could understand why he didn’t want to tell them; likely they wouldn’t understand that it was a mental health problem and not just him refusing to eat. However, I hoped that someday he would be able to open up about it. It didn’t matter if it was next week or a few years from now, but it was something he should tell them about.

After a bit or discussion about our relationship, which fortunately didn’t delve too deep, Dan’s dad, Bernard, changed the topic, “Did you guys do anything for halloween?”

Dan paled slightly and looked over at me, obviously recalling last night.

“One of my friends was having a halloween party,” I explained, saving Dan from having to do it, “He’d already met Dan so he invited both of us.”

“That’s nice,” Catherine said, “I remember when Dan would go to other kids halloween parties and eat a few months worth of sweets in one night. Could never stop eating, that boy, Is he the same now?”

“I need the bathroom,” Dan said suddenly, pushing the laptop over onto my lap and standing up.

I grabbed his arm before he could go anywhere. I quickly apologised to Dan’s parents, saying that we’d be back in a minute or two, muted our end of the call and stood up, dumping the laptop on the sofa.

“Dan,” I said, addressing him as he continued to struggle in my grip, “Please, it’s okay. Talk to me, I’ve muted the mic.”

“I… I… She just reminded me of how fat I was as a kid and I never exercised back then and then refused to until I was like seventeen and she, N-Nora, she made me and it was horrible, and I haven’t done any exercise in months and…” Dan blurted.

“Hey, deep breaths,” I told him, trying to help calm him down, because I knew from all the words he just said that his head was not a good or organised place at the moment, “C’mon.”

I adjusted my grip on him so I was no longer tightly gripping his wrist. Instead I had my arm around his shoulders, still tightly, but less so. I did the sort of deep breaths I wanted Dan to do and encouraged him to copy me. He wasn’t quite having a panic attack, but the same techniques should work a little to calm him down. I knew what he wanted to do was go to the bathroom and throw up, but I didn’t want to let him. I needed to show him that he could feel okay again without doing that.

“Phil,” he cried, “Just let me go to the bathroom, I can’t do this.”

“Why not?” I asked him softly, “All those halloween sweets you ate as a kid were years ago. That doesn’t matter any more. You only had a small portion of pasta, you can keep it down. I believe in you, okay?”

“I don’t know why you do,” Dan said sadly, “It’s not worth it.”

“Someone has to,” I told him, caringly, “I’m your soulmate, you’re stuck with it. Do you think you can do it? Try and forget about the pasta, have a drink of water; I can give you something to settle your stomach if you need it.”

“I’ll try,” Dan said shakily.

“Good,” I said, engulfing him in a proper hug, “I’m proud of you.”

I led Dan to the kitchen where I filled him a glass of water and looked out some over-the-counter nausea medicine. He’d been off all prescription medicine since his stomach healed, but he did attend regular therapy sessions with a mental health specialist. Doctor Shepherd was no longer overseeing his care, but had sent him onto this eating disorder specialist. I think it had been helping but relapses were expected; I guess I’d have to tell them about this at Dan’s next appointment later in the week.

Dan had a couple of sips of water, took the tablets and then drank a little more. We started heading back to the living room, when Dan stopped me.

“I don’t think I can face them,” Dan said, “Not right now. They’re gonna ask what happened and I don’t think I can cope.”

“Do you just want me to tell them you’re not feeling well and end it?” I asked him, “I don’t mind.”

“Can you?” he asked, “I’ll talk to them at some point, but I just can’t handle it right now.”

“I was wondering if we should tell them,” I suggested, “They wouldn’t bring up what they did if they knew.”

“I know what you mean,” Dan said, “I kind of wish they knew and understood without me having to tell them, but in a way I don’t want them to because I know they’ll make a fuss about it.”

“I could tell them for you if you want,” I suggested, “Like you’d have to be there, but if you want I could do the talking.”

“I’ll think about it,” Dan said, “Not yet, but I might have to before Christmas.”

“Please don’t stress out about Christmas,” I told him, “We’ll work something out. You’re not telling them unless you’re ready to.”

“Alright,” Dan said, “I guess I just don’t like everything being so up in the air. I need to know what I’m doing so I can figure out how I’m going to cope with it.”

“If it helps, I plan on being with you, so you don’t have to cope all by yourself,” I told him, “Anyway, we’ve left your parents too long. I’m going to say goodbye to them and then we can talk about this more if you want.”

I sat on the sofa and lifted the laptop onto my knee. Dan sat next to me, but I made sure that he wasn’t in shot.

I un-muted the microphone and greeted Dan’s parents, “Hi, I’m back. Sorry about that.”

“Where’s Dan? Is he okay? Is it this stomach bug he was talking about?” Catherine asked concerned.

“Yeah, he’s not feeling very well,” I explained, “I’ve given him some medicine and I’m going to get him to bed.”

“Are you sure he’s okay? Do you know what’s wrong? Maybe you should take him to the doctor?” she asked.

“Mum, I’m fine, can you just say bye to Phil so I can go to bed?” Dan asked, exasperatedly from next to me.

“Dan, tell me what’s wrong,” she replied, peering into her screen as if looking for Dan in the picture.

“Mum, I just feel sick, tired and a little dizzy, okay?” Dan said.

“Let our baby get some sleep, honey,” I overheard Dan’s dad say to his mum.

“Alright, goodbye Phil, please look after Dan for me,” Catherine said to me, “And goodbye Dan, I hope you feel better soon.”

I told his mum that I would look after him, and told both of his parents that I’d enjoyed speaking to them. I’d promised we’d call again when Dan was feeling better. I let Dan say goodbye too, before I clicked to end the call.

“You see why I don’t want to tell her,” Dan groaned, “All she does is bombard me with questions and worry.”

“Mums are just like that,” I told him, “Mine always is too when I’m sick.”

“Are you ever even sick, Phil?” Dan asked, “Like the last time I remember you throwing up, I must’ve been like fifteen.”

“That’s probably right,” I told him, “I don’t really get sick much. I’m probably jinxing it now, saying that.”

Being my superstitious self, I went to touch a wooden table before doing anything else.

“Do you want to go to bed?” I asked Dan, “And are you feeling dizzy or did you just say that?”

“Can we?” he asked, “But can we cuddle for a bit? And yeah, I am feeling a little dizzy but it’s not too bad.”

“Of course,” I said, giving him a hand up, “Would you like a hot chocolate first though? Some sugar might make you feel a little better.”

“Hmmm,” Dan said thoughtfully, “I would actually; I’m not sure why.”

“That’s okay,” I told him, “Are you feeling any better?”

“A little,” he said, “I feel like I could handle a hot chocolate without having to throw up.”

“That’s good,” I said, putting an arm around him and heading in the direction of the kitchen, “C’mon let’s go make them.”

Five minutes later, Dan and I had made two steaming cups of hot chocolate between us. I took them to my room where we got comfortable on my bed to drink them. We’d have to get up to brush our teeth at some point so it didn’t matter that we were still in our clothes.

Dan and I were pressed up right next to each other as we drank our hot drinks. We weren’t quite cuddling, because we each had a hot mug, but it was still pretty nice.

When Dan finished his hot chocolate, he had a little smile on his face.

“I actually feel a bit better,” he told me, surprised, “I think the hot chocolate did actually help.”

“That’s great,” I told him, “You want to get ready for bed now?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I am still pretty tired.”

We both changed into our pyjamas, visited the bathroom and brushed our teeth. I hung around outside the bathroom while he was in there, just like I did right at the start of our relationship. Even despite the events of the last couple of days, he was significantly better than back then, but I knew that currently he was in a mindset where I had to keep an eye on him.

When we got into bed, we immediately fused together like opposing magnets. It was second nature for me now to embrace Dan at any given opportunity, and even more so at night. There was a moment where my hand touched his stomach and he flinched and I worried that maybe that insecurity had come back with such force that he was struggling to let me in, but he seemed to relax under my touch fairly quickly.

With first checking it was okay with him, I decided to keep my hand there. It was a reminder that I loved him, that just because he struggled with body issues didn’t mean I had the same issues surrounding his body.

“I love you, Dan,” I told him, my voice sleepy, “Every little bit of you.”

“Thanks Phil,” Dan yawned, “I love you too, so much; I couldn’t do this without you.”

I gently kissed Dan and held him a little closer. I knew that although things were difficult at the moment, they would get better. Even though the last few months had been a bit of a struggle, they also held so many happy memories. Dan and I had been muddling through the hard times together, making memories as we went. We’d been on coffee dates and walks in the park, had hundreds of kisses and a handful of good times together in bed. I knew that someday, we would have less struggles and more opportunity to enjoy the good things in life.


	7. Christmas Isn’t the Best Day for Everyone

**Phil's POV:**

It had taken Dan and I quite a while to decide what to do about Christmas. At the start of November, I had decided that I would be with him, no matter what. We’d both known for months that the festive season may be a bit of a struggle for him and I knew that I needed to be there.

Eventually we came to the conclusion that Dan would come with me to my parents’ house. He wasn’t ready to tell his parents about his eating disorder and there was no way they wouldn’t notice from his physical changes. They hadn’t been able to see him well enough through the blurry webcam over skype, but there was no doubt that they would notice the weight he had lost if they saw him in person.

Dan had apologised to his parents over the phone, promising them that he would come and visit at some point, but was going to my parents for Christmas. He had met my parents once when the four of us went for coffee together; they didn’t live far away and happened to be passing through our town one day.

My parents didn’t know about his eating disorder either, but things would be easier as they lived so close. We wouldn’t have to stay over, so Dan wouldn’t have the pressure of eating large festive meals every day and we had somewhere to go if Dan needed to get out of there.

We were still living in my tiny flat, but Dan had now completely moved out of his old flat. We were forced to spend one night there when my car broke down during the move, and that wasn’t easy for Dan. It was the first night he’d stayed there since before he met me, and the bad memories there were still strong. That marked the last relapse he’d had, the only other one being halloween.

I hoped Dan would get through today. His self-esteem hadn’t been amazing this past week, but he was doing okay. He was eating well and was currently maintaining a fairly healthy weight. He was relatively happy most of the time, but still had moments where he wouldn’t eat much or remember something about his ex-girlfriend. At one of his doctor’s appointments, we agreed to bring up the panic attacks he got around thoughts of her and sometimes his body image. The doctor diagnosed him with an anxiety disorder, and decided that prescribing an anti-anxiety medicine would be the best thing for him,

It was early, to be precise seven in the morning. I hadn’t been up this early in so long, in fact, not since I did cooking classes in the spring. I’d initially planned to do more classes in the autumn, but I’d never really got round to it. I left Dan alone for long enough when I was at work, never mind doing a daytime course as well.

My cooking channel had kind of taken a backseat, I cooked to eat and that was it. I hoped to get back to it someday, but at the moment, work and Dan were my main focuses. Speaking of Dan, I should probably wake him up. We had things to do.

I moved my arms from around Dan so that I was no longer hugging him. I put my hands on his hips and shook him gently.

“Dan,” I spoke, “Time to get up. Merry Christmas!”

“Hmmm, merry Christmas, Phil,” Dan yawned, stretching his arms out and letting out a satisfied grunt at the stretch, “I see you’re one of these people who gets up early on Christmas?”

“Yup,” I nodded, “No point in wasting the best day of the year sleeping.”

“I’ve got less and less excited about Christmas over time,” Dan told me, sitting up, “I don’t get what’s so great about it when you’re not a little kid getting loads of toys. It’s lost it’s magic. Like I’m happy I’m spending it with you but it’s just like any other day with some crap presents and too much food.”

“Not all presents are crap,” I told him, “I think you’ll like what I got for you. As for the food, I get that’s not easy for you, but you have to admit the flavours are good, yeah?”

“I guess,” Dan said, sounding unsure.

“You’re worried about lunch, aren’t you?” I asked him, opening my arms so he could come in for a hug.

“Yeah, a bit,” he said, letting himself melt into my arms.

“I’m going to try and help my parents serve the food,” I told him, “They make sure that my uncle has no sprouts because he’s allergic to them and that my gran has a smaller portion because she has a small appetite. It’ll be no problem for me to sort out yours.”

“You sure?” Dan asked.

“Even if my mum won’t let me serve, I’ll tell her not to give you too much,” I told him, “And please remember there’s no pressure to finish everything. If you feel bad about leaving anything, I’ll eat it for you.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled, sounding grateful.

“It’s okay,” I told him, “Now let’s go get a little breakfast.”

Dan and I each had a bowl of cereal, which we took the lounge to eat. We put the fire on because it was a cold morning, and brought out our presents from under the tree. I insisted on giving Dan his first, because I was desperate to see his face when he saw what I’d bought him.

Being a nerd like me, I’d bought Dan a load of game merchandise. Most of it related to Guild Wars, a game he played a lot. A smile broke out on his face when he opened that, and as he looked through the various items, it seemed that he couldn’t thank me enough.

Another of his gifts was more practical, a few pairs of thick, fluffy socks and a wearable blanket for the winter months to come. He thanked me again for this, another genuine smile on his face because he hated being cold and knew I was trying to do something about it.

Dan’s presents for me made me equally happy: a beautiful houseplant which I named Ai, the Japanese for love, two Stephen King books that I didn’t have and a plushie blobfish, which was just downright adorable.

I leaned in to kiss Dan as an extra thank you, my holding the back of his head. The kiss very quickly turned into some slightly heated making out and I wondered where this was going.

“Dan, just saying we have the time for a quick round in the shower,” I told him suggestively, “If you’re up for it?”

“Sure, I’m up for that,” he replied, leaning in to start making out with me again.

I pulled Dan into my lap and started grinding up into him, moving one hand to grip his rear. As he’d put on weight, it felt better and better. He was still to be convinced, but sometimes as we lay in bed, I would place gentle kisses on the parts of his body he was least comfortable about. I hoped that if he knew I loved them, he would build more of an acceptance for them.

When I was getting uncomfortably hard and I could feel Dan’s erection against my stomach, I lifted him up and carried him to the bathroom. We both needed to shower anyway, so why not save time and do it while we were in there.

He seemed a little hesitant to get naked, so I took the time to remind him he was beautiful. Our first five minutes in the shower was a passionate, steamy mess. I kept a firm grip on Dan’s hips as I thrust into him, knowing we had to be careful not to slip. Dan’s little breathy moans were something that I lived for, each one pushing me closer and closer to my climax.

We almost orgasmed at the same time, me coming undone as Dan tightened around me as he rode out his own.

“Oh my God, Phil,” Dan said breathlessly as I pulled out, “That was fucking amazing, wow.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but realised I was speechless, not able to comprehend how good it was to put it into words. Instead, I brought my arms around Dan and kissed him.

“I agree,” I told him, “I can’t even express how amazing.”

We exchanged some very meaningful ‘I Love You’s and then got to cleaning ourselves. I let Dan relax under the water with his eyes shut, while I worked on cleaning his body. Each time we’d showered together, I’d slowly gained more and more of his trust, until he would let me wash anywhere for him. We’d come far since that first time I helped him in the bath when he had stitches in his stomach. Back then I couldn’t go anywhere between his knees and the bottom of his ribcage.

Shower gel on my hands, I slowly rubbed it all over his body. I took extra time on his shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension he seemed to have stored up. As soon as his shoulders felt sufficiently relaxed, I repeated the process with the shampoo, on his head. I gently massaged his scalp as I lathered up his hair.

“This feels so good,” Dan told me, his voice on the verge of being a moan, “If we hadn’t just fucked two minutes ago, I would be so hard right now.”

“I’ll keep that in mind for the future,” I laughed, “For now, let’s get rinsed and get out of here.”

“But I should return the favour,” Dan said, picking up the shower gel and looking at me.

“This is about you today,” I told him, taking the shower gel from him and very quickly rubbing it all over my body, “It’s you that needs to relax; I’m alright.”

I rinsed off my shower gel and did a similarly speedy job with the shampoo. Dan moved aside a couple of times to let me under the water, but mostly, I let him have it to himself. When I was completely done washing, I joined him under the stream and enveloped him in a loose embrace.

“You ready to get out of here?” I asked him, “Feeling a bit less tense?”

“Yeah, let’s get out,” he said, “And thank you so much; I feel amazing.”

“It’s no problem,” I said, kissing his cheek as we broke apart our hug.

I stepped out of the shower first so that I could have Dan’s towel ready to welcome him. He didn’t get cold quite so easily as he used to, but it was still an issue. I’d gotten so used to making sure that he had a warm towel, enough blankets, a hot drink, or whatever he needed.

We both got dressed in our usual attire of jeans and a t-shirt, but today with an added Christmas jumper. We made coffee to give us an energy boost as we were both a little tired from the early rise and our fun in the shower. After that, it was only a case of making sure we had everything we needed.

The presents for my family were in bags by the door. Most of the presents were still labeled as ‘from Phil’, but for my parents we had labeled them as ‘from Phil and Dan’, as they had actually met him. I didn’t know if Dan would get much in terms of presents, but I was guessing my parents would probably give him something.

Before we left, I made sure that Dan had taken his anxiety medicine. He sometimes didn’t bother if we were just having a quiet day at home, but we knew today was going to be stressful for him. He was a lot less likely to have a panic attack if anything triggered him while he was on the medicine than if he wasn’t.

I contemplated for a minute bringing paracetamol or something in case he got a headache, or a blanket in case he got cold, but I realised that was probably going a bit overboard. My parents would have that sort of thing. I was just being the definition of an overly worried soulmate.

Dan and I took a bag of presents each and made our way out of the flat and down the stairs. It wasn’t a long drive to my parents house so we’d be there in plenty of time for Christmas Lunch.

—-

My mum greeted us both with a hug the second she opened the door. Obviously unable to decide who to hug first, she went for us both at once.

“Hi boys,” she greeted us, “Merry Christmas. How have your days been so far?”

“Merry Christmas mum,” I replied, “And pretty good.”

“How are you Dan?” she asked, “Phil kept saying he’d bring you to see us, but I’m guessing he never quite got round to it until now.”

“I’m alright, Mrs Lester,” Dan replied, “So far, today’s been my best Christmas in a while.”

“That’s nice to hear,” she said, “And you can call me mum if you want, or at least Sharon.”

“Okay,” Dan said, laughing, but looking unsure of what to go with.

My mum took our coats and showed us where to put down our bags. We were a little early, but my mum and dad generally appreciated the help with the final touches to the cooking.

My mum led both of us into the kitchen, where a turkey was clearly silhouetted by the light in the oven, pots of potatoes and vegetables were clattering away on the stove and an overwhelming smell of Christmas filled the air.

“It smells really good, Mum,” I told her, “Do you need help with anything?”

“Could you possibly stir the gravy for five minutes while I check on the turkey?” she asked, passing me a wooden spoon.

I took the spoon and plonked it into the gravy, the only pot which didn’t have a lid on. I started gently stirring it around the pot, stopping it from sticking. Dan was still standing by my side and I was trying to think of some way to get him out of here. Food smells weren’t exactly his best friend.

“Where’s Dad?” I asked my mum, “Does he need any help with anything?”

“Peter’s setting the table in the dining room,” she said, “I don’t know if he needs any help.”

“Dan, do you want to go see if my Dad needs any help?” I suggested to Dan, “The dining room’s just next door.”

Dan looked very relieved and eagerly took me up on my suggestion. He left the room, and only when I heard the muffled sounds of his and my Dad’s voices through the wall did I fully turn my attention back to the pot of gravy.

Once the rest of my family had arrived, and were all seated at the table, it was time to begin the meal. The starter was homemade soup, which Dan decided to pass on, giving his genuine reason of having a small appetite and wanting to save himself for the main course.

When every last drop of soup had been wiped up with bread, and the plates were empty, I helped to clear them away, and followed my mum to the kitchen to help serve the main course.

“You here to help, Phil?” she asked me, “You’re becoming quite the polite young man.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “I mean, I am a waiter. I’ll help take the plates through.”

My mum handed me the plates two at a time; when I was younger she would barely trust me with one, but I guess she trusted me now that I did this as my job.

“That’s for your Uncle George,” she said, pointing to the plate she had handed me without sprouts, “The other one can be for anyone.”

I took the plates to my uncle and my aunt, and came back for the next two.

“Is there anything Dan doesn’t like?” she asked me.

“Ummm, yeah,” I started, unsure how to word this, “In fact, could I maybe serve his? He’s not got the biggest appetite.”

“Sure,” she said, standing aside and letting me into the worktop, “You know him better than me.”

I carefully loaded up Dan’s plate. He had one slice of turkey less than everyone else, a couple less chipalatoes, less in the way of potatoes, but the same in the way of carrots and beans. I held off on the sprouts, not knowing if he liked them or not, but knowing they weren’t generally the easiest thing to stomach.

“I think that should do,” I said, laying down one of the serving spoons.

“How about another roast potato,” she suggested, approaching the plate with a roast, “It’s Christmas.”

“Maybe leave it at the moment,” I told her, “We’ll see when you’re serving seconds.”

My mum and I continued with the remainder of the plates until they were all through in the dining room in front of their consumers. We took our own plates last and sat down at the table, my mum telling everyone they could start.

“I got you a smaller portion,” I said to Dan, gesturing to his plate, “That okay?”

“That’s great Phil, thanks,” he said, although still looking down at it with a hint of worry.

“Remember, you don’t need to finish it if you can’t,” I reminded him, rubbing my hand comfortingly over his knee.

Dan nodded, and picked up his knife and fork. He started cutting up his turkey into suitable sized pieces and his potatoes into smaller chunks. From the way he was cutting up all the food first, I could tell he was a bit apprehensive about something.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, subtly putting my hand on his knee under the table.

“Sorry, just not used to eating in front of anyone but you,” he admitted quietly.

“It’s okay,” I told him, gently rubbing his knee, “Everybody else is eating, and if it helps they’re all slightly me, you know, as we’re related.”

“Thanks,” Dan said with a small chuckle, now slowly lifting some turkey to his mouth.

Throughout the main course, I would return my hand to Dan’s knee occasionally when I wasn’t using my knife. This was quite a big step for him and I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.

When my mum and aunt produced a whole manner of puddings, I saw Dan’s face pale. I calmly looked over the options to see what there was. We had a meringue pavlova, a sherry trifle, a sticky toffee pudding and of course, the traditional Christmas pudding.

“You gonna have anything?” I asked him, “A little bit of Christmas pudding?”

“I might,” he said, voice a little unsteady, “I’m certainly not having any of the others.”

My mum went around the table, asking everyone what they wanted and then serving it up. As it happened, Dan and I were last, apart from her. I had sticky toffee pudding with a little trifle at the side. Personally, I didn’t see why I would just have one when I could have two.

“Could I get like a really small bit of Christmas pudding?” Dan asked, “I’m practically stuffed.”

Both of us watched as my mum served his pudding. It was bigger that I would count as ‘really small’ but it wasn’t gigantic.

“The Christmas pudding is a new recipe this year,” my mum announced, “I stumbled across this old recipe and I think it turned out pretty well.”

Once my mum had finished re-thanking my other relatives for bringing their puddings, the whole table tucked into the sweet delicacies in front of them. My puddings were really nice and Dan seemed to be getting on okay with his. When I was finished, I turned more of my attention to him and realised he was beginning to struggle a little.

I placed my hand on his arm before he could go back for another spoonful, “You look like you’re struggling there. You can stop, yeah?”

“Yeah, but your mum made it and I want to finish it,” he told me.

“Can I finish it for you?” I asked him, “I haven’t tried this new recipe.”

“Okay,” Dan said, looking relieved, “Thanks.”

I lifted Dan’s plate from his placemat and replaced it with my own empty one. I loaded the remaining Christmas pudding into my mouth and began to chew. It was quite different from the Christmas pudding my mum had made in previous years, but I had to agree with her that it was nice. It was the perfect combination of fruity, spicy, sweet and brandy-y.

“That Christmas pudding is amazing, mum,” I told her across the table.

“Thanks,” she smiled, “Did you steal it from Dan? Well you always have been a sweet-holic.”

“Yeah,” I said, giggling slightly at the memory of the amount of crap I used to eat.

Now both having our puddings out of the way, Dan and I sat back to relax a little. There would be seconds for those who wanted them, but currently I had a little time to recover from all that eating.

“You okay?” I asked Dan, noticing he looked a little uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I just need to pee,” he told me, keeping quiet so the whole table wouldn’t hear about the needs of his bladder, “Can I go to the bathroom?”

“Yeah…” I said, hesitating for a second about whether I should go with him.

If I went with him, it would seem a bit strange to the rest of my family, but if I left him alone… No, I could trust him; he was doing okay.

“Okay, on you go,” I said, giving him a trusting smile.

Dan responded with a nervous smile, before getting up from his seat and heading towards the door.

Dan had been gone around a minute and I was expecting him back any second when a feeling hit me. I was out of my seat and halfway to the door before it registered what was happening, leaving with no explanation of why I had left in such a hurry.

I was relieved to see that Dan had not bothered to lock the bathroom door. I rushed in there, shut the door behind me and went immediately to his side.

Just before I reached his side, he threw up for what I think was the second time.

“Dan, Dan, Dan,” I said, trying to comfort him a little by starting to rub his back.

“What happened?” I asked him calmly, “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this?”

“I.. I wasn’t,” he stuttered, “I genuinely needed to pee, and then once I was alone, the enormity of what I had eaten just hit me and it was too much.”

“It’s okay,” I said, moving my hand so my arm was now wrapped snugly around his shoulders.

“It’s not, like I was going to keep that down and you believed in me and I couldn’t do it,” he groaned.

“Honestly Dan, it’s okay,” I told him, “This was never going to be easy for you. C’mon, let me give you a hug?”

“Okay,” Dan said, reluctantly relaxing into my arms.

I was still hugging Dan a minute or two later when there was a knock at the door.

“Phil?” my mum’s voice spoke, “Is Dan okay? Did something disagree with him?”

“Umm, hold on,” I said, wanting to first ask Dan about what I could tell my mum.

“Can I tell her?” I asked him, whispering, “It’ll probably be for the best.”

“How does she know I threw up?” he asked.

“She’s my mum; she knows our soulmate link. She probably guessed you’d puked when I ran out of there,” I told him.

“Okay, you can tell her,” he said hesitantly.

I released Dan from the hug, pressing a parting kiss on his forehead before opening the door to speak to my mum.

I opened the door to be immediately greeted with my mother’s worried face at the other side, “Phil, what happened? Was it something in the stuffing?”

“No, no, it wasn’t your cooking,” I told her, “Dan, he’s umm… recovering from an eating disorder.”

I stopped for a second to let my mum react before I told her anything else.

“Oh,” she said, her expression shocked and a look of pity on her face, “Ahh, that’s why you were trying to get him smaller portions. Did he eat too much?”

“Sort of; he freaked out a little about the amount he ate and made himself throw up,” I explained.

“Is he okay?” she asked, “Does he need anything?”

“He’ll be okay,” I told her, “A bit shaken up, but we’ve been through this before. And yeah, some water would be great, but I’ll get him cleaned up and to the living room first.”

“On you go,” she said, turning towards the kitchen, “I’ll meet you in the living room with some water then.”

I returned to Dan’s side and offered him a hand up. He seemed a little unsteady on his feet, but he always did when this happened. I left him at the sink washing his hands and face, while I gave the toilet a quick clean with some cleaning stuff from the bathroom cupboard. It might’ve been unnecessary, but I felt a bit weird about not disinfecting or whatever.

Dan and I walked into the living room, where my mum was already waiting with a glass of water. I took the glass of water from her and waited until Dan and I were both sat down on the sofa before I passed it to him.

“Thanks,” he said, looking up to both me and my mum.

“It’s alright,” my mum said, gently placing her hand on his shoulder, “I hope you feel a bit better.”

My mum went away to rejoin the rest of the family in the dining room while Dan and I stayed in the living room. He thirstily drank all the water, and then decided to have a nap on my shoulder. We’d just been cuddling, talking in low voices, when he started to speak less and less until he started snoring.

I grabbed a nearby cushion to try and make him a bit more comfortable, and waited it out. It wouldn’t be long before my family all came through for coffee; I would wake him up for that, but at the moment I let him get a little rest.

I think around ten minutes had passed when my mum walked into the room, “Dan, Phil… oh.”

She quickly silenced herself when she realised that Dan was asleep.

“Yeah?” I asked her quietly.

“I was coming to see if either of you wanted tea or coffee,” she told me, keeping her voice hushed.

“Yeah coffee would be good,” I told her, “And can you make one for Dan, I think he needs it.”

“Do you still take a fair bit of milk and a lot of sugar?” she asked me, “And what about Dan?”

“Yeah,” I confirmed, “And make his with a little milk and like one sugar.”

“Okay,” she said, “Everyone’ll be through in like five minutes. You might want to think about waking him up if you’re going to.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “I’ll do that.”

My mum left, and a minute later, I heard the kettle starting to boil in the kitchen. It struck me that I probably should wake Dan up now.

“Dan,” I said, nudging him slightly, “C’mon babe wake up.”

“Whaaat?” Dan mumbled sleepily.

“You need to wake up,” I told him again, “Everyone’s coming through in a minute or two.”

“Ahh,” Dan said, realisation crossing his face, “Okay.”

“How’re you feeling?” I asked him.

“Okay, I guess,” he replied, “Like physically good but a little weak and tired.”

“Mentally?” I prompted.

“Disappointed in myself, I think,” he said, looking thoughtful.

“That’s okay,” I told him, “I think how you’re feeling shows you’ve gained a fair bit of control over this. You weren’t planning to that, you’d pushed the eating disorder away. It did fight back there, but you’re gaining strength against it. You get what I mean? You’re doing really well.”

“Yeah…” he said thoughtfully, a smile building on his face, “You think I’m getting better now then?”

“You’ve always been getting better, since I met you,” I told him, “Even the few relapses are a part of you getting better. You’ve had the strength to get over these hurdles. Yes it took work and tired you out, but it’s all been a part.”

Dan looked dumbfounded.

“Umm, I don’t know what to say to that,” he mumbled.

“You don’t need to say anything,” I told him, leaning in to lightly kiss him on the lips.

We’d barely been separated ten seconds when the door opened and my family started walking in. I think my mum must’ve told them not to say anything because they acted like it was completely normal for me and Dan to already be there.

Not long after everyone was through, my mum appeared carrying a large tray of coffees and teas. She then proceeded to hand them out; normally I would’ve helped with that, but Dan was being particularly clingy, so I stayed where I was.

We didn’t have anything to eat with the coffee. I guessed the Christmas cake would make its appearance later, when everyone was feeling a little less stuffed. Dan quietly nursed his coffee while everyone else chatted away animatedly around us.

The presents were exchanged once everyone had finished their drinks. As I had predicted, my parents were the only ones who had given to Dan - well they’d just addressed the present to both of us. In some ways it was a tradition that once you had met your soulmate, presents were given to you as a couple. It made sense, seeing as we practically shared everything now.

Once the presents were all opened, everyone turned to chatting. Dan and I were maybe less involved in the conversations than we could have been, but that was alright. We were sitting close so there was still room on the sofa for another; Dan was slightly in front of me and I had one hand resting on his stomach underneath his shirt. That in itself was a reminded of how far he’d come; it took a lot of time and slowly building trust for him to get over that boundary.

“How are you feeling?” I mumbled to Dan, deciding that I should probably check up with him on that one.

“Okay,” he said, “My head hurts a little but it’s nothing.”

“Alright,” I nodded, lifting my other hand to gently rub his forehead, “Tell me if it gets any worse.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, leaning back against me, having previously been sitting upright.

We sat like that for half an hour. I joined in some of the conversation with my family, and Dan did too but he seemed to be getting less and less talkative.I had just finished giving an explanation to my Gran about how work had been going for me, when Dan moved around and rested his head on my chest.

“You okay?” I asked him, bringing my head down so it was nearer to level with his.

“M’ head hurts,” he mumbled, “It’s got worse.”

“I’ll get you some water,” I told him, “Do you want something for it?”

“Have you got painkillers?” he asked hopefully.

“No, but I’m sure my mum will,” I explained, “I’ll ask her, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan mumbled.

“You stay here,” I told him, getting up, “Feel free to shut your eyes or anything if that helps,  okay?”

I left Dan behind on the sofa and went over to where my mum was sitting.

“Everything okay?” she asked me, looking up from her conversation with my uncle.

“Do you happen to have any paracetamol?” I asked her, “Dan has a headache.”

“Should do,” she said, “Come with me, we’ll have a look.”

I followed my mum to the kitchen where she opened up a small cupboard that was filled with cough medicines, plasters and the likes. I filled a glass of water while she rummaged through the different shelves.

A minute or two later she stepped back, two boxes in her hands, “These say they do headaches.”

I took the boxes from her and studied what they were. Looking through the ingredients I saw that they were both ibuprofen based, which wasn’t ideal. One of the reasons Dan had developed a stomach ulcer may have been from taking them on an empty stomach.

I thought for a second. I could drive back to our place and get the paracetamol, or get Dan to eat. Those were the two options. I decided to go for the latter; I was going to try and get something in him sooner or later anyway.

“Okay,” I said, keeping ahold of one packet and passing her the other back, “I guess these’ll have to do but I’ll need to get him to eat something first.”

“Will he be okay with eating? What do you want?” My mum asked.

“Yeah, hopefully. I think he’s feeling okay enough,” I told her, looking around the kitchen for ideas, “Nothing fancy - maybe like a couple of crackers and a few grapes.”

Once I’d gathered Dan a small plate of food, my mum and I returned to the living room. I passed Dan the water and sat down next to him with the plate and box of pills.

“Do you think you can eat a little?” I asked him, showing him the painkillers, “She didn’t have any paracetamol.”

Dan let out a groan in response and turned his head away from me.

“Dan?” I asked, reaching out a hand to gently turn his head back towards me.

“No, not in front of everyone,” he complained, peering through scrunched up eyes at me.

“How about we go out into the hallway?” I suggested, “C’mon.”

Dan reluctantly agreed, and after me giving him a hand up, he followed me out to the hall. We sat down on the stairs and then I slid the plate over onto his lap.

“Take as much time as you need,” I told him, “Or if you want something else instead, I’ll see what I can do.”

“This is fine,” he said, lifting a cracker to his lips and starting to nibble, “You know what’s easiest for me.”

I stayed by his side as he ate, an arm around him as a bit of moral support. It took a while as the pain in his head was still bothering him, but eventually he had eaten all of what I’d brought him. I took the plate from him and handed him the pills and his now half-drank glass of water.

Once Dan had taken the tablets and finished the water, I brought him into a tight embrace.

“You’re going to be okay,” I muttered to him, “We can stay out here if you want, or go back to the living room, or even go home? What do you want?”

“Stay here for like twenty minutes and then go back to your family,” he said, “Just until my head feels less bad. All the talking wasn’t helping.”

“Sure, that’s fine,” I said, “Try and relax as much as you can.”

I got up and moved to the step above Dan, allowing him to lean back against me. As he did that, I loosely draped my arms around him. We talked slowly and in low voices for the next fifteen minutes, not about anything in particular.

“Is your head any better?” I asked him, lightly brushing a hand over his forehead.

“Yeah a bit,” he replied, “We can go back to the living room now.”

“That’s good,” I commented, “You sure though?”

“Yeah,” he said, starting to get to his feet, “I’m fine.”

Dan and I returned to the living room, however via the kitchen to drop off the plate. I refilled the glass of water to take with us - there was no harm in having it there in case Dan needed another drink.

“Alright?” my mum asked as we walked past her.

“Yep,”  I nodded, continuing with Dan to our spot on the sofa.

With lunch taking such a long time, it wasn’t really long before it was supper time. It wasn’t a proper dinner after such a big lunch, but it was still some food. My mum hoarded everyone through to the dining room, where she had plates of cakes, shortbread, chocolate brownies, christmas cake and other sweet things set out.  

Dan grabbed my hand the second he laid eyes on the food, “Phil. Phil. I can’t do this. I feel sick even seeing all that… ewww.”

Feeling the grip Dan had on my hand and the shudder his body made after he’d finished talking, I knew I needed to get him out of there. I dragged him towards the door and out into the hallway.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I said, putting an arm around him, “You don’t have to eat any of it, or even be in there.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, shakily letting out a breath and pushing himself closer into my chest.

I knew Dan just needed a minute or so to calm down, so I waited patiently with my arms around him for him to speak up again.

“I… thanks for getting me out of there,” he muttered, “I just panicked a little, I’m okay now.”

“It’s alright,” I told him, releasing him from the hug and taking his hand.

“We can go back in now,” Dan said, looking at the dining room door.

“Are you sure you want to?” I asked him, “We don’t have to.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m okay, I just needed a minute,” he told me, pulling me towards the door.

“Okay, just tell me if it gets too much or anything, I’m right by your side,” I reminded him.

We walked back into the room. I felt a concerned glance from my mum but everyone else seemed too focused on choosing their cakes. The two remaining seats were to the side of my mum. I sat down, leaving Dan to sit between us.

I reached out to choose myself the piece of christmas cake with the most icing and placed it on my plate. Dan was staring down at his empty plate, avoiding looking at all the cake or making eye contact with anyone.

“Dan, do you want a bit of shortbread?” I suggested, thinking it was probably the thing he was most likely to eat.

“Not really,” he said, now eyeing the sugar-dusted fingers miserably.

“Dan,” my mum spoke up from his left, “I can get you something else if you want? Biscuits and cheese? A turkey sandwich?”

“Ummm… “ Dan said hesitantly, “The sandwich would be good.”

“Okay, sure thing, I’ll go and make you one,” my mum said, getting up from her seat.

“Thank you,” Dan said politely as she got up.

While I was lifting my cake to my mouth, my free hand found Dan’s under the table. I held his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, hoping he was doing okay. Dan gratefully held my hand, while watching me stuff my face with cake.

“I kinda wish I could do that without feeling so bad about it,” Dan commented quietly, “Like I want to know what it tastes like but not have to actually eat it.”

“Someday, Dan,” I told him, “Someday you’ll be fine with it again. Do you want a couple of crumbs; they won’t do you any harm?”

“Okay,” Dan said, the beginnings of a genuine smile starting to build on his face.

I broke a tiny piece off the corner of the cake and fed it to Dan, “Here you go.”

Dan chewed, moved it around his mouth for a short while and eventually swallowed.

“That was nice,” he commented, “But I’m not eating any more of it.”

“That’s okay,” I reminded him, “My mum’s bringing you a nice sandwich.”

Not long after I’d mentioned it, my mum returned with a sandwich on a plate. She lay it down in front of Dan with a smile on her face.

“Here you go,” she said, “Turkey, cranberry and lettuce.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, smiling at her.

I thanked my mum as well. She was handling this all so well. In some ways I wished we’d just told her in the first place. She reacted so well; yes, she didn’t completely understand but she was willing to help as best she could. We couldn’t have hoped for better.

Dan started happily chomping his way through the sandwich and I felt proud of him. He didn’t look unhappy about eating it, and that was a massive achievement. In the end, it was his appetite that failed him. He laid the sandwich down with an exasperated huff and and turned to me.

“Phil, I’m full,” he complained.

“You did really well,” I told him, “Do you want me to finish it for you? It looks really nice.”

“Yeah, thanks. Go for it,” he said, sitting back and allowing me to nick the remainder of the sandwich from the plate.

When everyone had finished stuffing their stomachs to the brim with food, we all wandered back to the living room, where normally we would have another few hours of tree-lit family conversation.

As the evening progressed, the sky outside got darker and darker, the conversation got slower and slower and the room got colder and colder. It was getting late and some of my relatives had started to make their way home.

I was just thinking about what time we should leave when I felt Dan shiver next to me.

“You cold?” I asked him, pulling him a little closer.

“Yeah, kinda,” he replied, “Don’t worry about it though.”

For a few seconds, I listened to him and didn’t worry about it, but then I heard his teeth chatter together. I needed to get him a blanket or something.

“Mum,” I spoke up, getting her attention from where she was sitting nearby, “Do you have a blanket somewhere?”

“Yeah; hold on I’ll go get one,” she said, getting up from her seat, “I’m guessing it’s for Dan? He’s shivering.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, Dan doing the same.

My mum returned less than a minute later carrying two blankets. She unfolded the first one and draped it over Dan and sat the second on the edge of the sofa.

“There’s a second one if you need it,” she said, returning to her seat.

I thanked her and tucked the edges of the blanket under the shivering Dan. I decided the second blanket was probably a good idea and put it around his shoulders.

Slowly, Dan managed to gain control of his shivering and thank me and my mum for sorting out the blankets. As he started to warm up, he seemed a bit happier again.

As the last of my family departed, I realised that we probably should too. It was now only Dan, my mum and I left in the living room. My dad and brother had both disappeared somewhere. However Dan didn’t seem in any hurry to unearth himself from the blankets.

“Dan,” I mumbled to him, “We should probably get going.”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, “I’m kinda tired.”

“Alright, you stay there; I’ll go and get you your jacket,” I told him, wanting him to stay warm in his blankety cocoon for as long as possible.

I found our jackets, put my own on and then returned to the living room. What I wasn’t expecting to find was Dan, fast asleep on the couch.

My mum was still in the room and she beckoned me over to her.

“Phil,” she started, her voice quiet so as not to wake the sleeping Dan, “I know he’s had a hard day and probably needs his bed, but you guys are free to have the sofa if you want to stay. He looked so sleepy, I didn’t have the heart to try and keep him awake.”

“Hmm,” I said aloud, thinking about it, “I don’t really want to wake him up either but he has medication he’s meant to take in the morning and I didn’t bring it with us.”

“You’ll be going home in the morning though, right? He’ll be fine until then?” My mum asked.

“Yeah, I guess; hopefully,” I said, “It’s for his anxiety so can you just be really really careful what you say around him in the morning.”

“What should we not talk about?” she asked.

“Umm… anything to do with unhealthy food, body image, what he’s eating personally,” I told her, hesitating over the last thing on the list, “And abusive relationships.”

My mum took a sharp intake of breath on hearing this last one, “What!?”

“I wouldn’t be telling you this if it wasn’t for his own good…” I started, giving myself some time to think. “Basically his ex-girlfriend hit him for being ‘fat’.”

My mum looked so stunned that I put my hand on her shoulder to bring her back to reality, “I don’t think he’ll really want me to say anything more, but like everything else, he’s getting there.”

My mum brush a tear away from her eye, “Sorry, I’m just a little emotional… I can’t believe that happened to him. Oh my gosh.”

I bent down and gave her a small hug. I felt bad for bringing up something that made her cry.

“Sorry,” my mum said, getting to her feet, “I’ll let you get some sleep. Do you need anything else? A duvet? A spare toothbrush?”

“Those would be good actually,” I told her, “Thank you.”

As my mum went to get those, I tried to get Dan a little more comfy on the sofa, without waking him up. I very carefully and slowly moved him so he was lying down and didn’t have his neck at a funny angle. He was so out of it, he barely even reacted to me moving him.

When my mum returned, I dumped the duvet on top Dan and headed to go brush my teeth.

“Dan won’t overheat with all those blankets?” My mum asked me worriedly, out in the hallway.

“I think he’ll be fine. He has a slight… 'insulation’ issue. Like he’s not got a lot of the body fat that keeps you and I warm,” I explained. “He’s a lot better than he was at first though.”

“Alright,” my mum nodded, “You know best; I’ll leave you to it.”

After visiting the toilet and brushing my teeth, I joined Dan on the sofa. There’s never a lot of space for two people to sleep on a sofa, but fortunately my parents’ sofa was quite deep. I stripped down to my T-shirt and boxers, lifted up part of the duvet and lay down next to Dan, putting one arm around the mound of blankets he was encased in.

Even though Dan had had a relapse, today had still been a reasonably good day. I was hoping that tomorrow would be better. I guess we’d soon see how it turned out. 


	8. Panic Pills

**Phil's POV:**

I awoke to something warm wriggling around in my arms. I didn’t even have to think about who it was. It had been months since I’d slept without Dan next to me.

I opened my eyes to see if he was awake or just moving around in his sleep. Eventually I found his face in amongst the folds of blankets and duvet. He had his eyes open and was looking out at me.

“Hey,” I greeted him, my voice still low and sleepy.

“Hmmm,” Dan mumbled, pushing his face forwards and into my shoulder.

I brought my arms up to hug him tightly for a couple of seconds and then released him, pushing him away so I could see his face again.

“You okay?” I asked him, “You fell asleep here and neither me or my mum thought we should wake you so we just stayed over.”

“I’m alright,” he said, “A bit achey all over, I think from sleeping on the sofa, but not too bad.”

“Do you want to get up and get some breakfast?” I asked him, “If you’re feeling up to that.”

“Yeah, let’s get up. I’ll see about the breakfast though,” he told me.

“Okay,” I said, not pushing him about it. We’d see when we got there.

I pushed myself up, grabbing my jeans from the floor and pulling them on, in case any of my family were around. Standing up, I looked around the living room to see the aftermath of yesterday: stray pieces of wrapping paper dotted around the room and empty coffee cups and crumby plates that just hadn’t quite been cleared away.

Pushing the duvet off himself, Dan sat up on the sofa, stretching and yawning. Eventually he stood up, ditching one of the blankets but keeping the other wrapped tightly around him.

Unable to resist his cuteness, I hugged him again, rubbing my hands up and down the blanket. Dan relaxed into the hug, resting his head against my chest and letting out a sigh.

“How about we go and see what there is for breakfast?” I suggested.

“Alright…” Dan said, a little hesitantly.

I released him from my arms and put an arm around his shoulders. We walked through to the kitchen, where, as it happened, my mum, dad and brother were all eating their breakfast.

“G’mornin’,” I greeted them, wandering over to the boxes of cereal that were next to the bowl cupboard.

I poured myself a bowl of Frosties and then looked to Dan. He was eyeing the cereal packets with an air of disapproval. Looking over them again, I realised that they were probably all a bit too sugary for his liking.

“Phil, I’m not eating any of these,” Dan told me.

“That’s okay,” I told him, “We’ll find you something else.”

I scanned my eyes around the kitchen and eventually laid eyes on the fruit bowl.

“How about a banana?” I suggested, pointing him towards the fruit bowl.

“Okay,” Dan nodded, “I guess I need to eat something.”

Dan fetched a banana and the pair of us sat down to eat with the rest of my family.

“How are you two this morning?” My dad asked.

Dan looked to me to reply, beginning to eat the banana.

“Alright,” I replied, “The sofa was comfy enough.”

“That’s good,” my mum said, a hint of laughter in her voice, “Nobody else has tried it yet.”

I had just finished my cereal and was pouring myself another bowl when my mum asked who all was for coffee. In the end, everybody signed up for a mug. When everyone had finished eating, we moved through to the living room with the remainder of our coffees.

Dan and I sat down amongst the mess of blankets and duvets where we had slept, leaving the other sofa and seats free for my parents and brother. My dad put the TV on and we watched the news for a bit; it would get boring eventually. I guessed that we would go soon, so that we’d be home before lunch.

In moving around on the sofa, I got a little closer to Dan and realised that he was shaking a little. As was a natural reaction for me, I immediately worried a little.

“Dan, you’re shaking, are you okay?” I asked him.

“I’m fine Phil, don’t worry,” Dan replied, “I think it’s the caffeine.”

“Alright,” I said, getting a bit closer to him, “Do you want some water or to go for a walk or something?”

“I’m okay at the moment,” he said, “I might get up for a wander around the house in a bit, I’ll see.”

I snuggled up closer to Dan, trying to make him relax as that might ease his shaking, and we continued to watch the TV. Eventually my dad got fed up of the news and began to hop between channels, to see what else was on. After ruling out a number of programmes, he settled on a rerun of a documentary on the south coast of England.

Martyn got up to go, obviously having something better to do than watch the programme. Less than a minute later, Dan shuffled away from me and leant forwards to mumble into my ear, “Phil, I’m just going for a wander up and down the hallway. I think I need five minutes alone.”

“Alright,” I said, respecting his wishes even though it felt off, him wanting to be alone, “Shout if you need me and if you’re not back in ten I’m coming to check you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” Dan insisted, still trembling a little, “But okay.”

As soon as Dan left the room, I got my phone out of my pocket to watch how long he’d been away for. I was worried; he didn’t quite seem right, but I did want to give him his alone time if that was what he felt he needed.

I paid no attention to the TV for the following five minutes. I did try to, but my eyes kept returning back to the time on my phone screen. It got to five minutes and Dan still wasn’t back. Then it got to seven and I was beginning to think I should go after him.

The door opened and I thought that maybe it was Dan coming back, but nope, it was Martyn returning from wherever he’d been.

“Phil,” Martyn said, looking at me, his voice serious, “Dan needs you. I heard crying from Dad’s study - he’s in there - so I went to see what was wrong and he just said, ‘Get Phil.’ I don’t know what’s wrong but he’s curled up in the corner and shaking and stuff.”

I was out of my seat before Martyn had even finished speaking. Not even stopping to thank him, I rushed out of the door and along the hallway to my Dad’s study. I slowed down as I approached the door, realising that I probably shouldn’t startle him.

I gently pushed the door forwards and stepped into the room. I could see Dan curled up in the far corner.

“Dan,” I called out softly, approaching him, “I’m here.”

Dan glanced up at me, and I could see the tear streaks on his cheeks and dampness around his eyes. He was shaking a lot more than he had been seven minutes ago.

“Hey,” I said calmly, approaching him and sitting down on the floor beside him, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“I… just… panic attack… I don’t even know why. It sounds lame but I think your dad hopped past weightwatchers on the tv,” he said, struggling for breath, “I’m just shaky and I feel kinda sick and I can’t breathe.”

“Okay,” I said, reaching down to hold his slightly clammy hands, “You can do this. You’ve done this before. You can breathe. There’s lots of air in here. I can open the window if that helps.”

“Please,” Dan choked, glancing desperately at the window.

I hopped up and opened the window before returning to Dan’s side. Hopefully having the air moving around a little would make it easier to breathe. I took his hands again and made sure he was looking at me. I started breathing slowly, counting the seconds, and getting Dan to copy me, like we’d done so many times before.

I could tell Dan was trying but he seemed to be struggling to slow down his breathing. He’d manage it once, and then he was back to hyperventilating again. We kept trying, but Dan just couldn’t get there and he ended up back in tears.

“Please help,” Dan coughed between his sobs, leaning back tiredly against the wall.

“I’m trying,” I told him, thinking how he really needed his medicine right now.

“I’m going to see if my mum can nip round to our flat and grab your medicine. I’m going to shout on Martyn; I think he’s closer,” I told him, warning him I was about to raise my voice a little.

I leant away from Dan and called out Martyn’s name, hopefully loud enough for him to hear. He arrived in seconds, sticking his head around the door to see what we needed.

“Can you get Mum?” I asked him, “I need to ask a massive favour of her. Dan really needs his medicine and I don’t want to leave him alone and there’s no way he’s going in a car like this.”

“Sure,” Martyn said quickly, hurrying away.

Martyn was back in no time with our mum by his side. He hung around as I began to explain what I needed her to do.

“Take my keys; they’re just in my jacket pocket. It’s a box of tablets on the shelf behind the sink in the bathroom. I think there’s just them and some paracetamol there, so they should be easy to distinguish,” I told her, rubbing my hand up and down Dan’s arm.

“Okay,” she said, “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

My mum left and I was able to return my attention to Dan. He was curled in on himself and looked a little pained as he breathed so fast and shallow.

“Try and sit up a little more,” I suggested, encouraging him, pushing his arms away from his chest by running my hands up the surface of his jumper.

Martyn lingered by the door as I did this, watching on worriedly.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked me, seeming to wait for an appropriate opportunity to ask.

“Could you get some water?” I asked him.

I turned to Dan, “Dan d’you need anything else?”

“I don't… know,” he said, still taking short, panicked breaths.

“Okay,” I said, looking back to Martyn, “Yeah just water. Actually… could you shove the bin over.”

Martyn pushed the bin towards us, not asking any questions, and went to get the water. I made sure the bin was within easy reaching distance; Dan had said he was feeling a bit sick and I wanted to be prepared, just in case.

When Martyn returned with the water, I took the glass from him. I suspected that Dan was shaking to much to hold it properly; I didn’t want broken glass around to make this situation any worse.

“You gonna have a couple sips of water?” I suggested, slowly raising the glass to Dan’s lips.

He accepted the water and drank a little, his hand joining mine on the glass to guide it to his mouth. When he’d had enough, I put the glass out of the way on a nearby table.

Dan was very suddenly overwhelmed by a fresh round of tears. I didn’t know what small thought in his brain had caused it, but when he was like this, even only slightly negative thoughts could cause him to go downhill even further.

“You can do this,” I told him, “It won’t be long until my mum’s back with your medicine. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I know,” Dan spoke between sobs and panicked intakes of breath, “It’s just hard… I feel terrib..le. I don’t want to… feel like this.”

“I wish you didn’t have to either,” I reminded him, adjusting the way I had my arm around him to give him a physical reminder I was there.

Dan shuddered and put his hand on the bottom of his neck. He let out a choking sound and pointed to the bin. I hurriedly grabbed it and held it on his lap.

The next few moments seemed to last way longer than they actually did. I could see Dan was really struggling. It was obvious he really didn’t want to throw up and was choking in attempt not to.

He suddenly retched and shoved his mouth into the bin so Martyn and I wouldn’t have to see what made the splattering sound.

Adjusting my grip on the bin, I moved my other hand to rub his back. I didn’t say anything but tried my best to comfort him.

Eventually, I presumed he was finished and encouraged him to sit back up, “You done? Sit up so you can breathe easier.”

“I dunno… I feel terrible,” Dan said, sitting up, his voice rough and scratchy.

I glanced in the bin, always on edge in case there was blood in his vomit again. I was relieved to see that it was both normal coloured and not too much. Keeping the bin in situ in case he did have anymore to come, I passed him the glass of water.

“Drink babe,” I told him, continuing to rub his back, “You know it’s for the best.”

Dan accepted the water, probably having it well drilled into his head by now that it was important. He knew how it felt when he didn’t drink.

I looked up to see that Martyn had vanished; I hoped Dan being sick hadn’t bothered him too much. It was something I was destined to cope with - if I was anywhere but by his side, I would be overwhelmed with worry.

Dan finished the glass of water and laid it on the floor beside him, knocking it over in the process with his shaky hands. He wasn’t crying so much at that particular moment in time, but his panic always came in waves. He’d be improving slightly and then get worse. It was a case of one step forwards, two steps back.

In some ways the situation reminded me of how we’d first met. I wished he didn’t have to be throwing up, but I was relieved I could be at his side through it.

Suddenly I was pulled away from my thoughts by Martyn walking into the room, holding another glass of water and a roll of kitchen roll.

Probably unsure what to do, he passed them both to me. I laid the water to the side and took a piece of kitchen roll to wipe Dan’s chin. When done, I put it in the bin, deciding that was the best place for it.

I handed Dan the fresh glass of water, and continued trying to help him. The time until my mum returned was not passing at all quickly, with Dan not improving at all. He kept having moments of extreme despair and wanting to give up on himself. I had to keep reminding him that it was all going to be okay soon.

“I think I hear her car in the drive,” Martyn said suddenly from the doorway.

“Thank goodness,” I mumbled, as Martyn hurried to go and get the medicine from her.

Thirty seconds later, he ran into the room, slightly out of breath, but triumphantly carrying Dan’s pills. I took the box from him, reminded myself of the dosage, and popped out the maximum that Dan could take.

I persuaded Dan to sit up straight so he wouldn’t choke, handed him the first pill, and helped him lift the glass of water to his mouth to wash it down with. He had a little difficulty swallowing it - he always did - but the bin was on hand in case he did gag and throw it back up.

I repeated this process a couple of times until he’d had the full dose. There was one point where he did choke slightly on the tablet, but he somehow managed to recover the situation. I always wished he could have this as some kind of syrup, because he struggled swallowing pills anyway, never mind when he was panicking.

“Well done,” I congratulated Dan on taking his pills, now noticing my mum in the corner of the room.

“Thank you so much,” I blurted to her, a grateful look on my face.

I knew the medicine wouldn’t kick in immediately, in fact we’d have to wait fifteen to twenty minutes for Dan to start feeling any better. In the meantime, I continued with my efforts to help him. I put on a calm song from my phone and loosely wrapped my arms around him again, trying to make the environment more relaxing.

My mum and Martyn lingered for a bit but eventually my mum decided to say something, “Do you need anything or do you want us to leave you alone for a bit?”

“Alone would be good,” I told her, rubbing my hand slowly up and down Dan’s arm.

My mum and Martyn left the room. Dan still wasn’t looking any better but that would come. The second they had both disappeared from view, Dan snuggled further into my arms, and rested his head on my chest.

“I’m so fucking tired,” he complained, continuing to cry as he spoke.

“You’re going to feel better soon,” I told him, “And then we’re going home and you can sleep.”

“Try your best to relax,” I reminded him, running my fingers through his hair.

Dan nodded into my chest, and remained silent apart from his crying and laboured breathing. Very very slowly, his breathing started to tend back more towards normality. The tears were still flowing, but it would take him a bit longer to get a grip on those.

After about fifteen minutes had passed, I noticed his sobbing was less violent, and was beginning to veer towards just a few light tears. I gently used a bit of kitchen roll to wipe some of the dampness from his cheeks and eyes, then offered him a piece to blow his nose on. A few sheets of kitchen roll later, Dan was no longer constantly sniffing and looked a little less miserable.

“How are you feeling?” I asked him.

“A bit better, but tired and sad,” he said, his voice still sounding on the edge of tears.

“Do you want to get ready to go home?” I suggested.

Dan nodded and lifted his head from my chest. I slowly disentangled myself from him and got to my feet.

“You stay there until you’re ready,” I told him, “I’ll get everything sorted.”

I shouted out for my mum, not really wanting to leave Dan alone while I got out stuff organised. She appeared in a few seconds, with Martyn with her.

“You need something?” she asked, looking at me.

“We’re going to head home,” I told her, “Could one of you keep him company while I go and get our stuff organised?”

“Of course,” my mum said, sitting down on the desk chair, “You go and get yourselves sorted.”

“Thanks,” I said, getting up to leave the room, giving Dan an encouraging smile as I went.

“Phil,” Martyn spoke to me as I headed down the hallway towards the lounge, “I was wondering if you wanted me to drive you guys back to your place? I’m still on the insurance, right?”

“That would be good actually,” I told him, thinking how I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on Dan and the road at the same time, “And yeah, you are. Thank you.”

I gathered together the presents Dan and I got from my family, and put the carrier bag next to the door. I folded up the duvet and blanket on the sofa, making it look a little less untidy. I knew my mum would sort them out later, but I wasn’t going to leave the place in a complete mess. I put on my own jacket and shoes and picked up Dan’s, carrying them to the study with me.

“Hey,” I said, interrupted the small talk between my mum and Dan.

I went over to Dan and handed him his shoes. He made a rather half-hearted effort to put them on, deciding to tuck the laces in rather than tying them.

I offered Dan a hand up and helped him to his feet, putting an arm around his waist as he seemed rather unsteady.

“You good to go?” I asked him, draping his jacket around his shoulders.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, leaning into my side.

Dan and I headed towards the front door, my mum following close behind. My mum hugged us both goodbye and watched on from the door as we headed out to my car.

First putting our presents in the boot, I got into the backseat with Dan, and Martyn got into the driver’s seat. I handed him the keys and said we could go. I joined my hand with Dan’s in the middle and kept up the closeness for the duration of the journey.

As we pulled into my parking space at my flat, I thanked Martyn for driving us. I wouldn’t have been able to hold hands with Dan if I’d been driving and I knew he’d appreciated me being there.

“Do you want to come up for a coffee?” I offered Martyn, “At least while you organise a taxi.”

“Yeah that would be good, thanks,” he said as we got out the car, “I’ll help you take your stuff up.”

“Thank you,” I said, shutting the door behind me and Dan.

Martyn grabbed the bag of gifts from the boot and I grabbed Dan’s hand. I knew we had a long climb ahead of us.

As we began to climb the stairs, I passed Martyn the keys to our flat, “You take these and get the place opened up. Dan and I might take a bit longer.”

As I suspected, it was no time before Martyn was off up the stair ahead of us. I was making sure Dan took his time, because he was exhausted already and didn’t get on too well with all the stairs at the best of times. I wouldn’t say it to his face, but carrying him up the stairs took quite a bit more effort on my part, now that he’d gained some weight. I’d still do it if he really needed me to, but not over-willingly.

Dan stopped us on the second landing and took a couple of deep breaths, leaning more on me than he had been before. I stood patiently by his side with my hand around his waist.

“Are you okay?” I asked him, concerned how he was yet to carry on.

“I guess… I’m just really tired… like why can’t you live on the second floor?” he complained jokily.

“I don’t know; it wasn’t for sale,” I laughed, “D’you want me to carry you?”

“If that’s okay,” Dan said, looking relieved.

“It’s fine,” I said, scooping him up into my arms.

I set off up the rest of the stairs, secretly glad that he had at least made it halfway. We got to my front door a minute or so later, where Martyn was waiting with the door open. He looked amused at the sight of me carrying Dan.

“Eight flights of stairs is a lot when you don’t have much energy,” I explained to him, patting the back of Dan’s head lovingly.

“Yeah, I suppose,” Martyn said understandingly as Dan and I followed him into the flat.

Martyn shut the door behind us, and I headed straight to the living room, where I deposited Dan on the sofa. He had tried to escape my grasp when we reached the top of the stairs, but I thought I might as well take him the rest of the way.

Dan picked up his new wearable blanket from where he’d left it the previous morning and put his head and arms through the corresponding holes. I felt a smile growing on my face as I saw him in it; he looked as adorable as I’d envisaged.

Martyn followed into the living room a minute later and sat down on the other chair. I saw his eyes take in Dan and his blanket and then settle on me.

“What do you want to drink?” I asked him, feeling the eye contact, “Coffee?”

“That would be great, thanks,” he said.

“Okay, sure thing,” I replied, and then turned to look at Dan, “Dan? Hot chocolate?”

Dan nodded and flashed me the tiniest smile. I headed out the door, giving Dan’s shoulder a squeeze as I went.

“I’ll be back soon,” I said, “Keep an eye on him for me, Martyn, alright?”

I headed to the kitchen, where I made two coffees and a hot chocolate. I felt that hot chocolate was a safer option for Dan, seeing as the coffee may have played a part in worsening his anxiety earlier. When they were done I took them to the lounge and gave them to their respective drinkers. I laid mine down on the coffee table before making one last trip.

I collected my duvet from our bedroom. Dan had taken to sleeping with his own as well as mine, but I knew who’s he secretly preferred. I bundled into my arms and carried it to the living room, where I deposited it on the far end of the sofa. He was really tired and I knew he was going to take a nap sooner or later.

“Hey,” I said, plonking myself down next to Dan and lifting my coffee from the table, “I was going to bring you some food, but I thought we’d wait ‘til lunch?”

“Yeah, I still don’t feel too good,” he replied, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

I moved my hand onto Dan’s knee, “You guys talk about much when I was gone?”

“Nah, not really,” Dan said, “He asked how we met so I explained that.”

“The whole thing?” I replied, surprised.

“Yeah, well he already knew I had an eating disorder - did your mum tell the whole family or something? So I told him the rest, like that night in the restaurant and going into hospital and everything,” he said, “I mean I left out some of the less pleasant details.”

“What, like me having to accompany you to the toilet because you couldn’t take a dump in front of a nurse?” I suggested, teasingly.

“Please… no,” Dan said, burying his face in his blanket, “Can we not talk about that?”

“Sorry,” I apologised, noticing that Martyn found the thought amusing too.

Moving the coffee to my other hand, I put my arm around Dan’s shoulders, to affirm that I didn’t mean to be unfriendly. He accepted the gesture and snuggled into my side.

“I should probably get my taxi organised,” Martyn said, once he’d finished his coffee, “And let Dan have some peace.”

Dan made no comment, and Martyn organised his taxi. Eventually he laid his phone down on his lap and told us that it would be here in ten minutes.

“How are  _you_  keeping, Phil?” Martyn asked suddenly, “Like I get you’ve been going through Dan’s struggles with him, but how are you personally?”

“I’m pretty good,” I told him, “Like I’ve got a little bit too stressed a couple of times, but nothing a good bath wouldn’t sort out.”

“Ahh, I’m glad you’re alright,” he said.

“How about you? Found your soulmate yet?” I asked him, thinking about the two word tattoo he had hidden on his stomach.

“I don’t think so,” he said, laughing, “But to be honest, I’m not sure how I’d know. A lot of strangers say ‘excuse me’ to me and how do I know if it’s them?”

“I think you’ll know when you meet them,” Dan said, “And you’ll say their words. Like Phil hasn’t thrown up since we met and we figured it out.”

“I guess,” Martyn said thoughtfully, his voice hopeful, “I hadn’t really thought of it in that way before.”

When Martyn’s taxi arrived, I got up to show him to the door. Dan remained on the sofa, but I wasn’t too surprised at his lack of energy.

“I hope you feel a bit better soon,” Martyn said, bending down to hug him on his way out of the room.

“Thanks,” Dan said, looking up at him, “It’s been nice to meet you; I’m sure I’ll see you again sometime in the next year.”

“Yeah, goodbye Dan,” Martyn said, following me out into the hallway.

I hugged Martyn goodbye and let him out my front door, watching as he disappeared down the first two flights of stairs. I made a mental note to meet up with him again someday soon; it had been ages since we’d seen each other and I’d missed him.

I shut the door behind me and let out a sigh. I was more tired than I’d realised; maybe I hadn’t got the best night’s sleep on the sofa. There was no doubt that Dan and I would be going to bed early tonight.

I returned to the living room and tiredly plopped down next to Dan. I snuggled up next to him and brought my arms around him, smiling when he returned the action.

“You’re not the only one who’s exhausted,” I told him, “You want to get lunch and then have a nap?”

“That would be good,” Dan said; I guessed he was too tired to notice that his reply referred to lunch too.

I remained hugging Dan for a bit longer, not quite wanting to get up just yet. That would involve leaving his warmth and actually having to move around, two things which I was not overly willing to do.

Eventually, I willed myself to stand up and outstretched a hand for Dan to follow. We had the slightly uninventive meal of chicken and lettuce sandwiches; probably the easiest option I could conjure up out of our fridge.

We tried to watch a film after our lunch, but neither of us could really concentrate. I ended up turning it off when Dan sank into my arms, a bit teary-eyed and miserable about how tired he was feeling.

“Let’s have a little sleep,” I told him, grabbing the duvet and spreading it over us, “Don’t worry about when we wake up, just get some rest okay?”

I wiped the tears from his eyes and watched as he shut them. I did my best to stay awake myself until I was sure his breathing had slowed down from that of crying to that of sleeping. Only when I heard his snuffle-like snores did I allow myself to drift off too.

I slowly drifted into consciousness about five hours later, looking over at the clock to discover it was half past six. We’d slept the whole afternoon, but I didn’t really care. I felt a lot better and I was hoping Dan would too. There was the possibility we might have a little trouble getting to sleep later, but knowing Dan and I, it probably wouldn’t bother us.

I did what comes naturally to most people after having just woken up; I stretched. I wasn’t bothered if it woke Dan up as I was about to wake him anyway. After making sure our legs were no longer tangled together, I sat up. I pulled the duvet away from Dan’s face and noticed him peering out from cracked open eyelids.

“Hmmm,” he mumbled incoherently.

“Hey,” I said cheerily, “Time to wake up.”

“What time is it?” he asked.

I told him the time and he let out a shocked noise, “Six thirty? You sure? Not sixteen thirty?”

“Definitely six thirty,” I confirmed, looking at the clock just to make sure.

“Oops,” he replied, starting to move around a little himself.

“You want to get up and we can figure out what we’re having for dinner?” I asked him.

“We only just ate lunch though,” he complained.

“I know, I kinda can’t be bothered cooking but we need to,” I told him, “What do you want?”

“I’m not really hungry, Phil,” he said, “Like I still feel like I ate that chicken sandwich five minutes ago.”

“Alright, we won’t have anything too gigantic. How about we leave it for an hour and see?” I suggested.

“Okay,” Dan agreed, pushing the duvet down and sitting up.

“Are you feeling a bit better now?” I asked him, “After having a nap?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I mean I still don’t feel amazing, but okay.”

“What if I suggested we went for a walk? Would you be up for that?” I asked, “Just a little stroll, some fresh air might be nice.”

Dan thought about it for a while, and eventually agreed to going for a walk. He got dressed up in sufficient fleeces, an outdoor jacket and a hat and gloves. I put on a similar attire, knowing that today was particularly cold. We had what I would call ‘a gentle stroll around the town’ before returning to our cosy flat about forty-five minutes later.

Somehow, I persuaded Dan into helping me cook dinner and it suddenly seemed like so much less trouble. We made vegetable stew, and Dan could see that everything that went in was relatively healthy. It didn’t seem to bother him one bit, but I did tell him to speak up if he felt he needed to get out of there. Afterwards he admitted to me that he actually felt better about it, having helped cooked it, he knew and felt comfortable with what he was eating.

Our evening just consisted of us laying around on the sofa with the TV and our laptops. Neither of us could be bothered to actually do anything else. Despite our long midday nap, we went to bed fairly early. Sometimes it was just best to get the day over with and progress to the next that little bit sooner.


	9. Breaking the News, Bringing in the New

**Phil's POV:**

After seeing how positively my parents had reacted to knowing about his eating disorder, Dan had made up his mind that it was finally time to talk to his own parents about it.

With the thought in mind that he also had Christmas presents to give them, we decided that we would make the trip down together to see them in person.

After speaking to his parents on the phone, we decided that would go down for two nights and bring in the new year with them. We’d be traveling down on the thirty-first and back on second, giving Dan an entire day with his family and meaning we wouldn’t have to do the long journey two days in a row.

Loading our luggage into my car, I realised that we’d probably packed too much for the two days. A fair chunk of our stuff was the presents for Dan’s family, but there still seemed to be quite a lot. I was glad we hadn’t been taking the train, like Dan had initially suggested, because we would have too many bags to take care of. I had offered to drive and that made everything easier.

We were able to time our arrival for just after lunch, stopping at a motorway service station on the way. Dan wanted to talk to his parents before they thrust a plate of food under his nose, and that way, he had a number of hours before dinner.

Around twenty minutes before we got to Dan’s hometown, I made the decision to pull over. Although he had taken his anxiety prevention medicine, his current state of curled up in a blanket and trembling slightly, struck me as not the best state of mind. I pulled off the motorway into a large layby and came to a stop.

As I turned the engine off, I reached over and placed my hand on his shoulder, “Dan? You don’t look too good? What’s up?”

“Just really nervous,” he said shakily, “About seeing them and telling them and it’s been so long since I’ve been home.”

“Alright, two seconds, I’m coming round there,” I told him, undoing my seatbelt and getting out of the car.

I walked around to the other side and opened Dan’s door.

“Let’s get in the back,” I told him, undoing his seatbelt and scooping him up.

I let Dan down in the backseat, shut the door and then got in behind the driver’s seat. I sat next to him and brought both of my arms around him, almost having him sitting in my lap.

“Do you want to talk?” I asked him, “Like get it all out.”

“The last time I saw them I was overweight and I always have been and seeing as I’m now supposedly underweight, then it’s going to be really fucking obvious. Like when we spoke over skype it was all kinda blurry so I faked having had a stomach bug. They’re just going to open the door and be like ‘eww, what’s up with you?’ And my mum’ll hug me, and you can feel my ribs, right?” Dan blurted.

“They might notice, but they’ll either think nothing of it, or wait for you to mention it in your own time,” I told him, “I really doubt they’ll ask the second they see you. They’ll have other things on their minds, like how they haven’t seen their son in a year and really miss him or how they’re finally meeting his soulmate.”

“I guess,” Dan said, not sounding entirely convinced, “Thanks.”

I stayed hugging him for another couple of minutes, listening to his breathing and deciding he was okay. I had wondered for a minute if he was having a panic attack, but it seemed to just be a passing moment of anxiety.

“Do you want to stop at the next service station, or are you good to just go straight to your parents house?” I asked him.

“Let’s just go straight there,” he said, “And get this over with.”

“Good thinking,” I said, “Right, let’s get back in the front.”

Two minutes later, we were back on the road. Dan was still a little anxious, but I knew that wasn’t going to go anywhere for a while. Once we were off the motorway, he helped me to go the right way. Then once we were on the right road, he got me to drive along very slowly so he could point out the house.

I pulled up in the driveway and turned off the engine. We both sat still for a minute or two before we got out of the car, Dan taking deep breaths to calm his nerves and me wondering what it would be like to meet his parents in person.

“Okay, let’s do this,” Dan said bravely, opening his door and getting out of the car.

I followed him round to the boot, where we got our luggage out. We carried it to the front door and Dan gently prodded the doorbell. For the following few moments there was a great tension in the air; I could almost feel the nerves radiating off Dan as he waited for one of his parents so answer the door.

At the last second, as I heard the door unlocking, I grabbed Dan’s hand from where it was swinging at his side. I gave it a squeeze and he flashed me an appreciative smile.

The door opened to reveal both of Dan’s parents, Catherine and Bernard, at the other side.

“Dan! Oh my baby, I’ve missed you!” Dan’s mum exclaimed, instantly advancing to hug him.

She wrapped Dan in a hug and kept him trapped in her arms for a few minutes until he started to wriggle uncomfortably.

“And Phil! Hi, it’s nice to meet you at last,” she greeted me, hugging me with slightly less vigor than she had Dan.

“Nice to meet you, Catherine and Bernard,” I greeted them, glad I had remembered their names from when we’d skyped back in November.

Dan’s dad, Bernard, gave Dan a small hug and then went to shake my hand, “Good to meet you too, Phil.”

“Come on in,” Dan’s mum laughed, noticing Dan shivering, “I got so excited to see you, I forgot it’s cold out there; come on.”

I followed Dan into his parents house and shut the door behind us. I instantly felt a little warmer and I hoped Dan would too.

“You’re just in Dan’s old room,” Dan’s dad announced, “He’ll show you where it is. We’ve done it up slightly as more of a guest room, but it’s not too different.”

Dan and I grabbed our bags and I followed him up the stairs. Dan’s mum followed us with another bag which we couldn’t quite manage.

Just as we reached the top of the stairs, a boy who looked like a fifteen year old version of Dan, appeared out of a room. I presumed this must be Dan’s brother, Adam.

“Hi Adam,” Dan said, approaching him with a hug, “It’s nice to see you; I haven’t been here in so long.”

“I’ve missed you,” Adam told Dan, hugging him back.

“Also, this is my soulmate,” Dan said, gesturing to me, “Phil.”

“Hey Adam,” I said, giving him my friendliest smile.

“Hi Phil,” Adam replied nervously, the smile slightly fading from his face.

Suddenly Adam turned away, put his hands over his face and returned to his room. Had I done something? I looked to Dan and his mum worriedly.

“I think his soulmate is going through some hard times at the moment and he’s feeling it a lot,” Catherine told us.

“Does he know what’s up? Have you asked him?” Dan questioned her.

“No; he won’t really speak to me or your Dad about it,” she explained, “We both know something’s wrong and we’ve both asked him, but he won’t tell us.”

“Okay; I’ll try and talk to him at some point,” Dan said, “Oh god, I hope he’s okay.”

“Yeah you might have more luck since you guys have a borderline telepathic bond,” Catherine commented, “How is it now you know each other?”

Dan looked to me, fear in his eyes. I reached out and put a hand on his back. I had been wondering about how telepathic his brother’s bond was, but I knew I needed to answer this oen.

“It’s better now we live together,” I told her, “If Dan’s sick I can take care of him instead of worrying from afar.”

“That’s good,” she said, “Alright, I’ll leave you to get your stuff sorted. I’ll put the coffee on so come down when you’re ready. Phil, do you take coffee?”

“Yeah,” I said, “Thank you.”

“Uhh… Mum… Can I have hot chocolate instead?” Dan asked.

“Of course,” she said, “What’s happened to you? You used to be all over the coffee?”

Dan looked to me again, a look of panic on his face.

“The caffeine,” I started, thinking how to word this, “Sometimes makes him a bit jittery and shaky.”

Before those words left my mouth, I knew I’d under-exaggerated by a long way, but I wasn’t about to go telling her the story of his panic attack on boxing day. To be honest, he would probably be fine, but he kept away from it if he was feeling at all anxious.

“Oh dear,” she said, “Well I’ll make you a hot chocolate. Hopefully whatever that is will pass.”

Dan’s mum headed off back down the stairs, leaving Dan and I to enter his old room. He pushed the door open and I watched him take in the room.

“I didn’t have a double bed before, but it practically hasn’t changed,” Dan said, running for the bed, sitting down and looking around the room.

I moved our cases into better places and let Dan reunite with his room. When none of our stuff remained in the doorway, I joined him on the bed and we fell into a silence. A couple of moments, into the silence, I heard what sounded like muffled crying.

“Dan,” I said urgently, “I think I hear crying.”

“Shit,” he said, jumping to his feet, “I’m going to see if he’ll talk to me.”

I sat on the bed, wondering if there was anything I could do. I could still hear crying, but also now the mumbling of Dan’s voice. I couldn’t tell what was being said, but I was guessing he was trying to comfort his brother. I’d just have to wait it out until he returned.

Somewhere around ten minutes later, Dan walked back into the room, still looking about as worried as he had when he’d left.

“Is he okay?” I asked him, “Did you find out what’s wrong?”

“Not really and yeah,” Dan answered, “I have his permission to tell you this by the way; he understands it’s hard not to share stuff with your soulmate. Right basically, him and his soulmate can feel what each other feel and can communicate through strong feelings, images or words. Basically his soulmate, who’s a guy, know’s that Adam is also a guy. His parents are against same sex soulmates and he’s feeling suicidal.”

“Wait, Adam is or his soulmate is?” I asked, concerned.

“His soulmate,” Dan confirmed, “Though Adam’s not feeling too great mentally either; it’s getting to him.”

“That’s not good,” I said, “But wow, their bond must be pretty strong.”

“Yeah, it’s quite something, but currently it’s not good for him,” Dan said, a little sadly.

“Yeah…” I said slowly, still thinking through the consequences of having such a strong bond, “Are you going to tell your mum and dad?”

“Adam doesn’t want me to, but he doesn’t really have much choice. They need to know because I can’t help him when I’m like a hundred and fifty miles away,” Dan explained.

“When are you going to say?” I asked him, “Like you still need to talk to them about you.”

“Fuck that, it barely matters,” Dan said nonchalantly.

“Dan,” I said sternly, “Your mental health is equally important to your brother’s. You need to talk to them, preferably before dinner. As long as they know about your Adam soon, in the next day or two, then it should be okay.”

“Alright,” he agreed, slightly begrudgingly, “But please help me keep an eye on him.”

“Of course,” I said, laying my hand on his back as he seemed a tad stressed, “How about we go and talk to your parents about you, now? Get it over with; it’ll be one less thing to worry about.”

“Uhh, okay,” Dan agreed reluctantly, “But come with me to see Adam before we go down.”

Dan and I went next door to his brother’s room, where we found him sitting on his bed looking miserable. I hovered by the door as Dan went over and sat down next to him.

“Hey,” Dan said, placing his hand on his brother’s back, “How’re you doing? Phil and I are just going down to speak to mum and dad, but do you need anything before we go?”

“I don’t think so,” Adam mumbled, “And you’re not going to tell them are you?”

“No, no, not yet; don’t worry,” Dan explained, “I’ve told Phil though.”

Adam glanced up at me when he heard my name. I gave him a small smile and pity eyes.

“Not yet?” Adam questioned, turning back to Dan.

“I’m going to have to tell them before Phil and I go home but it’ll be okay, don’t worry,” Dan told him.

“How do I know, like what if he…?” Adam stuttered, but I think both of us understood what he was trying to say.

“Hopefully he won’t,” Dan said, turning his comforting action into more of a hug, “Hopefully you’ll meet him and be able to help him and support him as he gets through this. Though if he does, we’re all here for you: me, Mum, Dad and Phil.”

I nodded to back up what Dan was saying, that I would be there for him. Adam wasn’t crying, but I could see the sad and tired expression that remained on his face. I wanted to contribute something to the conversation but it took me a minute or two to decide what to say.

“Adam, remember that the stronger the bond, the more likely you are to meet earlier in life,” I reminded him of a basic soulmate rule, “You should meet at a younger age than Dan and I did, in fact I think most telepathic bonds meet before they’re sixteen, or eighteen at the latest.”

“But what if we never actually meet, because he kills himself before we get there. Or what if we do meet but there’s nothing I can do to help and he does it anyway?” Adam asked worriedly.

“You guys are destined to meet and spend your lives together; it’s really rare for it to not work out. You also have to remember that you are his soulmate too, he might be wanting you to help him as much as you want to help him,” I explained.

“Yeah, your soulmate bond is a magical thing, literally. Being there for him will make so much difference,” Dan told him.

“Definitely,” I added, thinking of how I had been there for Dan since I’d met him, and how I’d been by his side through his recovery so far.

“Yeah, I wasn’t in a good place when I met Phil, but he’s been amazing,” Dan said, “Like we were in the position where I needed help and Phil knew.”

“Do you mind… what was wrong?” Adam asked nervously, sensing that he was possibly treading on thin ice.

Dan froze when he heard Adam’s question. Almost instinctively, I hurried towards him and made a little physical contact by putting my hand on his knee, to hopefully bring him back out of the corner of his mind he had retreated to.

“Shit,” Adam said, “I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s okay,” I told him, keeping my focus on Dan.

It took a second or two, but he came back out of his shell and looked Adam in the eye.

“Eating disorder,” he mumbled, hiding his face in his hands to avoid seeing his reaction.

I looked between Dan and Adam, watching their expressions change. Dan’s expression was full of nerves as he waited for his brother’s response. Adam’s eyes went wide in shock at Dan’s words and then his brows furrowed ever-so-slightly as he thought of how to reply.

“Ummm… I don’t know what to say… are you okay?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, mostly, don’t worry about it, I wasn’t back in the summer, but I’m recovering,” Dan told him, slowly relaxing a bit further at his brother’s reaction.

“He’s doing really well,” I said, “Like it might not be easy but it’s perfectly possible to recover, you just need to have hope.”

“I don’t know what all you can do with your bond, but I guess try and send him positive vibes?” Dan suggested.

“Yeah, it’s just hard when I’m feeling so down about it myself,” Adam said grimly.

“I understand,” Dan said, “Try your best, stay strong and I can always be on the phone if you need to talk about it.”

Adam mumbled out a thanks and then looked back up at Dan.

“I need to talk to Mum and Dad,” Dan said, “Not about this, but about me. They don’t know I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder either and I think I’ve finally plucked up the courage to talk to them about it. It’s the main reason I haven’t been down here in a year; you know what they’re like each time I come, with the amount of food.”

Dan and Adam exchanged a couple more words of support, before we left his room and headed downstairs. As it happened, both of Dan’s parents were in the kitchen, preparing dinner. It seemed like the right time for Dan to tell them about his struggles over the past year.

“Hi,” Dan said, as we walked into the room, “I’ve got something I kind of need to talk to you about?”

“Is it about you dropping out of uni, because you really should try and figure out what you’re going to do now,” Dan’s Dad spoke.

“Not really,” Dan said, “I know I need to think about that, but I’ve had other things on my mind. It is related to why I dropped out though.”

“Yes, Dan?” Dan’s mum said, seeming to notice he was a bit on edge about what he was about to say.

“Umm, so you know how when we skyped, with Phil, for the first time?” Dan said, stuttering slightly, “And you thought I’d lost weight. I said I’d had a stomach bug, but I kinda lied.”

Noticing Dan was shaking next to me, I reached out my hand and joined it with his.

“It’s more that I was suffering from some… umm… body image issues… and umm… recovering from an eating disorder,” Dan continued, struggling to get the words out as he teetered on the verge of tears.

“Hey, no need to cry, it’s okay,” Catherine said, approaching Dan to hug him, “I don’t know a lot about… erm… eating disorders, but I love you, okay.”

Dan sniffed and uttered a strangled ‘thanks’. I could see he looked relieved, but was a bit emotional about having just told his parents about this big thing he’d been keeping from them.

Dan’s Dad, Bernard, gave Dan a pat on the back, and that was his breaking point. He let out a sob, and more tears spilled from his eyes. I opened my arms and brought him in for a hug.

“Give us a minute and we’ll be back to talk about it,” I said to Dan’s parents, leading him out into the hallway to calm down.

“You did great!” I told him, “Deep breaths, it’s all okay.”

Dan nodded and did his best to follow my suggestion, taking a couple of deep, shaky breaths which helped to calm his sobbing. As he focused on regaining control, I glanced around the hallway. Something at the top of my field of vision caught my attention… Adam. He was looking down at us, possibly having heard us and come out to see what was wrong. I made eye contact with him and smiled and nodded slightly, trying to let him know that everything was okay and under control, without Dan noticing.

I quickly refocused on Dan, who was forcing a smile back onto his face and looking brave. I lifted my arm up to his face and dabbed his eyes with the end of my sleeve. I didn’t say anything, noticing that he was doing some breathing exercises without any help. I was proud of him for that, proud of him for learning to cope.

“Okay, I’m good now,” Dan said, “Was just slightly anxious about that and couldn’t quite control my emotions.”

“You did well,” I told him, “And trying to sort your breathing out by yourself - that’s amazing.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, taking a step back and putting on a brave face, “We can go back and talk now.”

“You sure?” I checked with him, kind of surprised that he felt he was ready.

“Yep.”

With that, Dan and I went back into the kitchen. The second we entered, his parents, who had been talking in hushed voices, silenced their conversation all together.

“Were you talking about me?” Dan asked, his tone amused.

“Slightly. We just want you to know we’re both here for you, son,” Bernard said to Dan.

“Do you want to sit down and I can tell you more?” Dan suggested, looking at them and then the chairs at the dining table.

“Yeah, sure thing; just let us get the dinner in first,” Dan’s dad said.

“Umm about that, what are we having?” Dan asked hesitantly.

“Roast beef,” Catherine replied, “Oh, are you okay with that?”

Dan looked thoughtful, biting his lip “Yeah that’s fine, just not too much.”

“That’s fine you can have as much or as little as you want,” Dan’s mum said cheerily, “As long as it’s enough to keep you healthy.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, “And just so that you know: although I supposedly look it, I’m no longer underweight.”

“That’s good,” Catherine replied, “Try and keep it that way, okay? Do it for us.”

“I’m trying… and Phil’s being helping more than you can imagine,” Dan told them, “It’s just difficult because it’s a mental illness that I’m having to fight, not just a physical problem.”

I nodded at Dan’s words, glad he finally understood the problem well enough to explain it. Understanding that his eating was a problem was his first big step towards recovery. From there it was about having the strength to fight back against those internal demons.

Dan and I stood back out of the way while Bernard and Catherine bustled around, putting the final touches in the casserole before it went in the oven. When the oven door was shut and a timer set, we all moved through to the living room. I think all of us knew this was going to be a lengthy chat, and lengthy chats generally went best with comfy seats.

I sat next to Dan on one sofa, while his parents sat on the other. I was there for moral support, but I was prepared to help Dan tell any parts that he was struggling with, or bits that were better coming from me.

“Shit, where should I start?” Dan asked, slight panic in his voice.

“The beginning?” I suggested, holding his hand, “Like with Nora?”

Dan flinched slightly at her name, but at least it wasn’t too out of the blue. I knew he was about to talk about her, otherwise, I kept away from saying the name at all. I waited for him to start talking at his own pace and say what he wanted to say.

Dan basically told them the story of the last year of his life. He told them everything, well all the important bits: from how his ex, Nora had initially been amazing and nice to how she started starting abusing him for his weight. He told them about her controlling what he ate, and how that caused him to develop bulimia and mild anorexia in attempt to get rid of weight. By the end of this section, as he told them about the hitting and their breakup, I could hear him struggling not to cry about what she’d done to him. It was probably still the aspect that triggered him the most. I gave Dan a gentle nudge and told him that I’d take over for a bit.

“We met in the restaurant where I work,” I told them, “But I think you already know that. Basically, I’d been serving him and there was something about him that stood out to me. I didn’t  _know_ but he stood out for some reason. Then I noticed a few things about him were a little off, and when I felt the worry only seconds after he’s disappeared into the toilets, I had a pretty good idea. I spoke to him, and despite a little hesitation, he let me help him out.”

I stopped to breathe for a second and took in his parents expressions. Catherine was dabbing her eyes with a tissue, and Bernard looked close to it, himself. I decided to continue on, because it would be best to tell them everything before they tried to react to it.

“At that point, in the toilets, I did tell him that I was pretty sure we were soulmates,” I explained, “But we put that to the back of our minds because he was throwing up blood, My colleague Chris called an ambulance and he spent the next few days in hospital.”

“You were in hospital!?” Dan’s mum gasped, “You didn’t me know!?”

“Yeah. One, I wasn’t in any state to let you know and two, I wasn’t ready to tell you about any of this,” Dan explained to her, “Phil took good care of me, coming to see me everyday and we got to know each other a bit. When I was back able to stomach solid food, I got the option of being transferred to a specialist unit, or going home if there was someone to look after me.”

“What did you do? Presumably the specialist?” Catherine asked, “You wouldn’t have had anyone at home to look after you.”

“No… I went home with Phil,” Dan said nervously, looking at me.

“Yeah. We discussed it, he was really sick of the hospital and wanted to go home, but I didn’t want him being alone, so it worked out,” I explained, “But he’s been seeing a mental health and eating disorder therapist as an outpatient though.”

“Okay, at least that’s something,” Bernard commented.

“I think it’s helped a lot,” Dan said, “I don’t feel perfect but I feel a lot better than I did.”

“That’s good,” Catherine said, “Oh God, I wish I knew you were going through all of this.”

“Yeah, sorry for not telling you, it’s just I’ve been struggling enough with it myself to lump it on other people,” Dan apologised.

“It’s fine,” she said, getting up from her seat and coming over to hug Dan, “I understand why you didn’t until now; I’m just glad you’re getting better.”

When Dan’s mum released him from her embrace, his Dad was waiting to follow up with another hug. Everyone was a bit teary-eyed and I was starting to feel it myself.

Once Dan’s parents had retreated to their sofa, I gave Dan a hug too and we had a moment of silent loving, exchanging endorphins and positive vibes, because this had gone as well as we could’ve hoped.

We continued to talk things through for a while, helping Dan’s parents to gain a better understanding of what he’d been dealing with. After a while I started to notice that I was doing all of the talking and not Dan. I glanced over at him, just at the right moment to see his eyes flutter shut and then him force them open again. I hadn’t realised he was so tired, but then he hadn’t slept very well last night. I put an arm around his shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze.

Dan rested his head on my shoulder for a few seconds, and his mum raised an eyebrow at us.

“He didn’t sleep too well last night,”  I explained.

“Ahh well looks like he’s needing an early night then,” Catherine replied, “Oh wait, it’s New Year’s Eve.”

“When will dinner be?” I asked her, thinking that Dan could really do with a quick nap now, rather than having to wait until we went to bed.

“In about an hour, maybe an hour and a half - between half six and seven,” Bernard told us.

I looked down at Dan, who was still half asleep on my shoulder. This was a reasonable opportunity.

“Dan, do you want to go upstairs and have a nap for a bit?” I asked him.

Dan nodded tiredly into my arm, too out of it to say much. I slowly stood up from the sofa, forcing him to sit upright and then offered him a hand up. As we left the room, I gave his parents a smile and told them that I would make sure he was up for dinner.

I led Dan up the stairs and into his old bedroom. It only took a few seconds for him to collapse onto the bed, fully clothed. I didn’t have the heart to suggest he change into something more comfortable, so I let him pass out how he was.

Opening up one of our suitcases, I pulled out a couple of blankets and spread them over him. It wouldn’t be the same as a duvet, but it would stop him from getting too cold.

“I might not be in the room, but I’ll be in shouting distance,” I told Dan, before he fully went to sleep, “I’ll come back to check on you and I’ll wake you for dinner.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled sleepily, “And can you check Adam’s okay?… look after ‘im if he’s not.”

“Sure thing,” I told him, “I’ll go once you’re asleep; get some rest, okay.”

I kissed Dan’s forehead and retreated across the room, sitting down on a chair, where I stayed for a couple of minutes. When I was satisfied he was properly asleep, I got up to leave, on my way to do as I’d said I would and check on his brother.

I walked the short distance to Adam’s room about as slowly as humanly possibly, trying to figure out what I was going to say to him. I didn’t know him, and the thought of comforting a stranger is always a bit weird. I knew he technically wasn’t a stranger, he was pretty much family, but it was still a little odd

I knocked on the door and Adam said to come in. I slowly opened the door and walked into his room, probably surprising him as I would be who he least expected.

“Hey Adam, Dan wanted me to check you’re doing alright?” I said to him, subtly asking him the question.

“I’m okay at the moment,” he said, not looking as sad as he had earlier, “How is Dan? I saw him crying out in the hall with you, did they react badly?”

“No, no. They reacted really well, better than Dan was expecting. He just got a little emotional, that’s all,” I explained.

“Where is he now?” Adam asked, probably wondering why I was asking for Dan.

“Next door, sleeping,” I told him.

“Sleeping?”

“Yeah, he didn’t sleep well last night. He was too nervous about telling them. Now the nerves have gone, the tiredness just hit him,” I explained.

“Ahh.. okay,” Adam said, “He’s never really been good with nerves… like school shows, exams, he always got really nervous and couldn’t sleep. I don’t remember it too well, but Mum and Dad always say I react a lot better than him under stress.”

“You know how he dropped out of uni, well he failed his exams, but he wasn’t well enough to do the retakes. He was stressing out about them for so long, but with some encouragement from me and his mental health doctor, he decided to drop out,” I explained to Adam, “Now I didn’t know him at the time of the initial exams, but his eating disorder was at its worst around then.”

“How… how did you feel when he was bad?” Adam asked tentatively, obviously seeking some consolation for his own worries.

“Very, very worried,” I told him, “It took me a little while, but when I realised the correlation between the times and mealtimes, I had a good idea of what was wrong. I still worried though, like I needed to see him in the flesh to see he was okay. Even though he was in a state when we met, I was still relieved because I had some control. He’d been living on his own and no one would’ve been there to help him if something had happened.”

Adam nodded, “I feel similar: like worried, need for some control of the situation and to be there for him.”

“I think at the moment, you just need to do your best to stay together for him. It sounds like he needs some positivity in his life, and you can do that. Even if feeling positive is difficult, you can still be loving and caring,” I said, trying my best to give him some advice.

“Is it normal to feel like they need you?” he asked.

“Yes, definitely,” I said firmly, “You have that connection that he has with no one else, you are the one who’ll understand him the most, and want to help. I’ve been there with Dan: before we met, I was so desperate to meet him because I felt he needed help, and he did. Even since we’ve met, there’s been occasions where I’ve thought ‘How would he get through this on his own?’ and the answer has always been that I’m not sure he that would.”

“What’s happened? Like he just struggling with getting better?” Adam asked.

“Partially…” I said, hesitating about what I said next, “But also he has an anxiety disorder, like panic attacks and that, triggered by a few different things, but it’s all connected.”

Adam looked a little shocked, sitting with his mouth hanging slightly open. I realised that I should probably go through with him what Dan and I had told his parents. Despite his own troubles, I still felt it was best that he knew. I told him more or less what I had told Catherine and Bernard, but in about half the time. It gave him the background to figure out where the panic attacks fitted in.

“Oh god,” Adam said, in shock, “I didn’t know he’d been going through so much.”

“Yeah… I’m just glad he hasn’t been alone,” I commented, “And by the way, your parents don’t know about the anxiety disorder. I knew you’d know what it was because you’re young, but they’ve had a lot to take in already today. Just keep off of any sensitive subjects and he’ll be fine. He’s on tablets that reduce the effects though.”

“I’m going to give him a big hug when he’s up again,” Adam said, still sounding shocked.

“Awww,” I said, “I’m sure he’ll like that.”

Adam leant out a sigh and leant back against his wall. I wondered if I’d said too much for his already busy mind to cope with.

“You okay?” I asked him, “I’m sorry if dumping all that on you was too much.”

“It’s okay, I’m glad I know,” he said, “My brain just feels a little foggy and tired from everything that’s going on.”

“I would suggest going for a walk, but dinner’ll be pretty soon,” I told him, “Would you want to go out into the back garden and get some fresh air to help clear your head? It works for Dan.”

Adam looked thoughtful as he contemplated my suggestion, “Okay.”

I followed Adam down the stairs and into the kitchen, then watched as he went outside into the back garden. I wasn’t going to follow him out there; I would give him the peace he needed. I sat down on a chair at the kitchen table where I could glance over at him every so often.

Adam had been sitting peacefully on a garden chair for five minutes, when I got a little startled by his parents coming into the kitchen.

“Oh hi Phil,” Catherine said cheerily, “You okay? You’re in here alone?”

“Yeah, I’m just hanging around in here while Adam’s out in the garden clearing his head,” I explained.

“He’s outside?” Bernard commented, sounding a tad surprised, “Well it’s nice to see him out of his room for a change.”

“Yeah, it often helps Dan feel a bit better, getting some fresh air. It clears your head a bit,” I explained, watching uselessly as they started to do some vegetable prep, “Normally with Dan, it would be a walk, but that wouldn’t work out with dinner.”

“Has Dan spoken to him?” Catherine asked, “To try and figure out what’s bothering him?”

“Yeah, he has,” I said truthfully.

“Did he have any luck? Does he know what’s wrong?” she quizzed me.

“Yeah he does,” I said, “He got it out of him pretty quickly. It’s not mine to tell you, but you’ll know soon.”

“Yeah, I get that,” she said, nodding, “Even if I don’t know, I’m glad he’s not keeping it to himself anymore.”

I agreed with that, thinking how Dan always felt better after getting something off his chest. Although they weren’t in the same situation, these things often worked the same way.

As I was hanging around the kitchen anyway, I helped Dan’s parents with the vegetables. Even though I was pretty sure they didn’t mind me, I still wanted to make a good impression. I think they had seen by now that I’d been taking good care of their son, but I wanted to show them I had some domestic ability too.

Adam came back inside after about fifteen minutes, the cold having finally got too much for him, despite his thick jacket. I put the lid back on the carrot pot and stepped out into the hallway to talk to him. He said that he was feeling a little better and he looked it too. He had a healthy pink glow in his cheeks now that he was warming up again; I could see so much of Dan in him.

Thinking of Dan, I thought that it would be a good time to wake him up. I nipped back into the kitchen for a few seconds to tell Catherine and Bernard that I was off to wake him up. Dinner would be in ten minutes, so that gave him some time to get himself a little more awake.

I padded up the stairs and into the bedroom, where Dan was still sprawled, snoring on the bed. Approaching him from the side, I gave him a gentle shake, and spoke his name.

“Dan, time to get up up,” I told him.

Dan let out a tired groan and rolled over to face me.

“What time is it?” he mumbled, confusion in his voice, “Are we having meat for breakfast?”

“It’s dinner time, Dan,” I told him, laughing, “You were just having a nap.”

“Ugh, I feel so tired,” he groaned.

“C’mon,” I said, “Last day of the year; you should make the most of what’s left, you can sleep tomorrow.”

Eventually, after a little persuasion, I had Dan out of bed. Before we went downstairs, I pushed him in the direction of the bathroom to splash some water on his face. I told him of the little chat I’d had with his brother and the positive outcome of that. When we reached the kitchen to eat, Adam did as he’d said he would and hugged Dan.

“Phil told me everything,” he said, “Well done, you’re brave.”

“Dan smiled and hugged his brother back, “You are too.”

Dinner was an interesting affair. The food was delicious; the beef was cooked to perfection and the vegetables complemented it nicely. Nobody batted an eyelid when Dan put his cutlery together and sat back, leaving a lot of food. I gave him a smile and murmured a ‘well done’ into his ear.

Now what was interesting about it was the conversation. Dan’s mum took into her mind to bring up the subject of marriage.

“So, are you guys going to get married?” she asked, looking between Dan and I.

Dan cringed, bringing his hands to his face to hid the blush and letting out a groan of ‘mu-um’.

“Someday,” I told her, “Like at the end of the day it’s only a piece of paper, relative to our soulmate bond. I’m sure it will happen in time, but we’ve been focusing on other things.”

I looked over at Dan, who nodded happily and said, “Yeah, what Phil said! We haven’t even discussed it, I don’t think. I’ve just been taking one day at a time, doing my best to keep eating at least something.”

I nodded, “And I think moving to somewhere with a little more space for the two of us is on the cards for this next year. It’s a little cramped currently and we could even have guests over if we get a spare room.”

“And I’m going to get some kind of job while I figure out what I’m doing with my life,” Dan said, “So I won’t be relying on my allowance from you two quite so much.”

I was slightly surprised hearing that comment from Dan, because it wasn’t something he’d really mentioned to me, other than in an offhand comment. I thought about it for a second and decided that I was proud of him, for feeling that he was ready to face some responsibility in the world.

Most of the evening passed by in a family game of monopoly, which despite trying, I lost. I didn’t mind too much though, because I enjoyed it a considerable amount. That took us almost to midnight. From then, it was just a case of welcoming the new year and going to bed.

The five of us had a mini-celebration, each of us with a drink to raise a toast to the new year. I think Dan’s parents may have stayed up a little later, but Dan and I made our escape to bed as soon as we could. It had certainly been a long day.

Often, spending the first night in a new bed is a difficult affair, with a significant lack of sleep, but in the end I slept just fine. Maybe it was the events of the day, or maybe it was because I felt at home. We’d never know, but my sleep was magical all the same. 


	10. And Then There was Nothing

**Phil's POV:**

The next morning, Dan’s parents, Dan and I were eating breakfast together in the kitchen. Adam was yet to appear, which his parents were treating as completely natural. Dan had initially seemed a little concerned, but when he was reminded of his own teenage sleeping habits, he quickly dropped that.

We had finished breakfast and had tidied just about everything away when Catherine decided to bring up the big question, “Dan, Phil said you know what’s up. Do you think he’s okay?”

“Hopefully,” Dan said, “I’ll go and check on him soon, but I think it’ll be best if I just tell you what’s going on…”

Dan waited a second before continuing, “Adam’s soulmate is suicidal because his parents are against same sex soulmates, and he knows that his soulmate is a guy too.”

I watched the shock on Bernard and Catherine’s faces as they took in Dan’s words. Both of them looked speechless and unsure what to say next.

Dan saved them from speaking and continued, “And as you know, Adam feels a lot of what he feels, so its getting to him a lot… I know it’s a shock, but there’s not a lot we can do other than being there for him.”

When I was finished my breakfast, I went upstairs to brush my teeth, leaving Dan in the kitchen talking with his parents. I grabbed my washbag from Dan and I’s room and headed towards the bathroom, only to notice halfway there that it was occupied. Before I had the chance to think of what I did or said, the door swung open and a red-eyed Adam emerged. He definitely looked like he’d been crying, and tried to hide his face the second he saw me.

“Adam, are you okay?” I asked him, laying my washbag on the floor and slowly approaching him.

“Not really… I umm… his thoughts woke me up around two in the morning… he was really suicidal… and then there was nothing… and I don’t know… don’t know if he…” Adam mumbled slowly, sobbing and heading straight towards me.

I opened my arms, because I sensed he was looking for a hug, whether he knew it or not. As he made contact with me, I put one arm around him in a loose embrace, and followed him down as he sank to the floor.

I sat with one arm around him and rubbed his back a little as he cried

“I’m going to shout for Dan to come,” I warned him, “DAAAN!?”

“YEAH!?”  Dan shouted back, footsteps approaching the bottom of the stairs

“You need to come up here,” I told him, in a serious tone so he’d hopefully get the message is was important.

“Okay,” Dan said, and I could hear his footsteps starting to make their way up the stairs.

When Dan reached the stop of the stairs and saw me and his brother, his mouth fell open in shock and he almost tripped in trying to run over to us.

“Oh my god, Adam are you okay?” he exclaimed crouching down to get on the same level.

“He says…” I started, Adam cutting me off.

“I think he might’ve… you know…” Adam said, trying to find the words, “His bad thoughts actually woke me up about two in the morning and then there was nothing… absolutely nothing.”

Adam started crying harder as he explained. Dan sat down on the floor at his other side and put both or his arms around his brother, hugging him. Dan let him cry for a while, gently rubbing his back, before he tried any words to console him.

“Adam, I get why you think he’s gone, but try to have some hope. A lot of attempts fail. He could be unconscious; I doubt you’d be able to feel anything if that was the case,” Dan said to him.

I noticed that he was carefully choosing his words to avoid mentioning ‘dead and ‘suicide’.

“Hmm,” Adam mumbled, in what I think was a tone of disbelief, “But if he is dead then I should just do the same. There’s no point.”

“There is a point,” Dan told him, “Finding your soulmate isn’t the only thing that matters. You could still have a perfectly happy option with someone who doesn’t have a soulmate, or doesn’t wish to be with theirs.”

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be the same,” he sobbed, “Even though I haven’t met him, he’s been there my entire life, in my head. He can’t just go.”

“Don’t believe he has just yet,” Dan told him, “There’s still hope, okay.”

Adam started a fresh round of tears and Dan looked over at me.

“Tissues?” he mouthed, “Or loo roll?”

I nodded, getting to my feet and heading to the bathroom. I took a spare toilet roll from the cupboard and returned with it, crouching down next to Dan and Adam. I separated off a few sets of sheets, that would do to blow one’s nose on. I laid them down on the carpet for when they were ready.

“Phil?” Dan said, aloud this time, “Another favour? Could you go and tell Mum and Dad about this? Just I think they had planned for us all to go to the cinema and I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

“Okay,” I nodded, getting up and heading down the stairs.

Telling Dan and Adam’s parents was not the easiest thing. It would’ve been easier if it was  Dan telling them what was going on, but he was slightly preoccupied. They were still in shock over what we’d told them at breakfast and I felt really bad adding to that.

They immediately wanted to go and see Adam, but I told them to give him a little time, Their opinion, however, on going to the cinema was not what we’d hoped.

“We should still go,” Catherine had said, “It’ll be good for him to get out of the house. Also, these tickets are worth a lot and it would be a waste to pull out.”

“Just think about it,” I told them, “But wait until you’ve spoken to Adam and Dan.”

In the end, even after seeing the state that Adam was in, they decided that we would go to the cinema anyway. I knew that Dan and I could’ve pulled out because we were adults and didn’t have to do what his parents said, but Adam didn’t get much of a choice.

As we went out I made sure to check Dan had his anxiety medicine; after Boxing Day, I knew he shouldn’t really go anywhere without it just in case. I also suggested that Dan took a packet of tissues in case Adam had any more further breakdowns. He’d been putting on a brave face through lunch, but his expressions were so similar to Dan’s that I knew he was in no way okay.

In the cinema, our seats were at the end of the row. Dan’s parents tried to get the end seats for themselves, but Dan argued with them on that one, saying that he should be at the end with Adam, in case the sadness got to him and he needed to get out of there. Dan had learnt from his personal experience that end seats were the best when there was a chance you might need to get out in a hurry. Dan sat at the end with Adam between us. It suddenly struck me that I wasn’t keeping as close an eye on Dan as I might’ve done, but being there for his brother seemed to be helping him cope. It’s funny how helping other people can help yourself.

The film started and I have to admit that it was taking me a while to get into it. Dan’s parents seemed well and truly engrossed but Dan and Adam, like me, looked less convinced.

It was about halfway through the film, when I was just beginning to understand what was happening, when Adam jumped in his seat and let out a small yelp. Nothing to provoke a jumpscare had happened in the film. I turned to look at him and Dan seemed to have done the same.

Adam was biting his lip, an expression of intense pain on his face. Dan immediately had his hand on Adam’s back and was muttering into his ear. I didn’t hear what Dan said, but I saw Adam’s response of a shaky nod.

Dan leant over his brother, gesturing for me to come closer. I moved as close as I could to hear what he had to say.

“Phil, can you take him outside. I’ll follow you in two seconds, I should just tell Mum and Dad why we’re going,” he told me.

“Okay,”  I replied, getting up from my seat, but crouching down so I didn’t disturb too many people’s views.

I led Adam out of the cinema into the entrance hall. The door to the cinema had barely shut when Dan appeared through it.

“Told them that something’s up and we’re taking him outside for a bit,” Dan hurriedly told me, “I’ve told them to stay and watch the rest of film because I’ll feel bad if they miss the end.”

Dan quickly turned his attention to Adam, who was standing next to us, trembling slightly.

“What happened?” Dan asked, “We’ll go sit down and you can talk about?”

“I… I’m feeling a lot of pain… his pain,” Adam spluttered as we walked towards the reception area, where there were a few tables and chairs.

“I know that’s not great,” Dan said as we sat down, “But he’s alive.”

“Yeah… only just though, I think,” Adam said, “There is this great feeling of failure… I think he attempted… attempted… s…”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to say it,” Dan cut him off as he struggled to say ‘suicide’.

“Thanks,” Adam mumbled, wiping tears away from his eyes.

“Is the pain coming from a particular place?” Dan asked as Adam curled in around his stomach.

“Stomach,” Adam said.

“Right,” Dan nodded, “Do you feel sick at all?”

“I don’t think so,” Adam said, “I don’t really know, I’m struggling to distinguish our physical feelings right now.”

“Okay,” Dan asked, gently rubbing his hand up and down Adam’s back.

“Phil, can you go and buy a bottle of water?” Dan asked, nodding in the direction of the area selling drinks and snack, “Or a cup of water even, doesn’t matter.”

I did as Dan suggested and went over to the counters. I had to wait behind a handful of people buying popcorn and other snacks, but eventually I got to the front. As I’d waited the smell of popcorn made my thoughts travel to my abandoned tub of popcorn back in the cinema, but I pushed those thoughts aside and focused on the task at hand.

I handed over the money for the bottle of water and got on my way, hurrying back over to the table where Dan and Adam were sat. I laid the bottle of water on the table, between Dan and Adam, and sat back out of the way. I knew I wasn’t really in a position where I could help. Yes, I wanted to, but I knew that we weren’t really close enough for that.

I watched as Dan mumbled more things to Adam and encouraged him to have a drink of water. The familiar action of lifting the bottle to his mouth and having a sip of water was helping to slowly calm him down a little.

“Can you feel anything else?” Dan asked him, “That might be important?”

“I might if I concentrate for a minute,” he said, resting his head on his hands and shutting his eyes.

Dan and I sat quietly, making subtle eye-contact with each other to get across the message that we were both concerned. We both wished that he didn’t have to be going through this, but like a lot of things in life, we don’t get a choice in the matter. I might’ve reached out across the table and taken Dan’s hand, because I knew this wasn’t easy on him either, but I didn’t really want to force our relationship in Adam’s face.

Dan and I were used to our fair share of alone time, and a little of that was probably what we needed - time to reflect on the events of the last forty-eight hours, because staying up late for the New Year hadn’t exactly given us the time to think before bed. However, that could wait because we had a more pressing issue on our hands.

“I think he’s in hospital,” Adam mumbled, “I w-wonder what happened? Did he try to st… stab himself but missed?”

“I don’t know, Adam,” Dan said, “Maybe, but there’s other possibilities.”

“Like what?”

“Overdose, very deep self harming, having jumped from somewhere and that being the main site of injury…” Dan told him.

I saw Adam visibly pale as Dan listed off all these other possibilities for what had happened, “Stop.”

Dan looked up at me curiously.

“You’re not helping,” I told him.

“Sorry,” Dan apologised meekly, suddenly shy as he realised he’d said too much.

“Adam,” I said, getting his attention on me, “If he’s in hospital, then he’s being helped. It sounds like he’s now conscious which is amazing and I’m sure the doctors are doing their absolute best.”

“I need to be there,” Adam cried.

“I know how you feel,” I tried to comfort him, “And I would take you right now if I knew where he is.”

“Thanks,” Adam mumbled, before sinking his head back into his hands.

Dan and I stayed with him for a while longer, sitting in silence, more or less. I hadn’t been overly into the film in the first place and I knew that if I went back now it would make even less sense.

“‘M sorry you’re missing the film,” Adam mumbled suddenly, almost knowing what I was thinking of.

I told him that I hadn’t really gotten into it, and Dan gave a similar response of how he wasn’t enjoying it either. Adam told us that he’d been worrying too much to concentrate, and overall it seemed like we’d wasted the tickets that their parents had been trying to avoid us wasting.

“Do you want me to go back in and tell your parents that we won’t be back but we’ll be out here?” I asked Dan, suddenly thinking they were probably wondering when we would be back.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Dan agreed with me, “Thank you.”

I made my way back into the right screen, and found my way down to the row that Dan’s parents were in. I slid three seats along the row so that I was sitting next to Dan’s mum, got her attention and whispered to her.

“We’re just going to stay outside,” I told her, “Adam’s soulmate is alive, in hospital. He’s in quite a bit of pain, but there’s nothing we can really do about that. Dan and I will look after him; you stay and see the end of the film.”

Catherine was relieved, yet slightly concerned about the pain. She passed the message onto Bernard, who reacted in a similar manner. I walked out of the cinema again, still making sure not to spoil too many people’s views.

I returned to the foyer of the cinema to find Adam with his head on the table and Dan with his hand on his brother’s back. I sat down but refrained from speaking. I wondered whether there was anything else we could do to help. My thoughts drifted to a packet of paracetamol that were in my coat pocket, but then I remembered that that wouldn’t help as the problem was at the other end of the line, as such. I really hoped one of the hospital staff would give Adam’s soulmate some pain medication soon.

I pulled my phone from my pocket, having an idea that I wanted to talk to Dan about, but without having to disturb the peace we were giving his brother. I opened up a new note on my phone and typed up my question before passing it to Dan.

_Do you think he should see someone about this? Like a soulmate bond therapist?_

Dan took my phone, read the message, looked thoughtful and then typed out a reply.

_Maybe - I’d say that seeing a professional is helping me, like with putting the bad days behind me and keeping on track - it’s a completely different issue though_

I read Dan’s reply and nodded, seeing where he was coming from. It was probably worth a shot. I typed another message to pass back to Dan.

_Let’s help him through this afternoon and we can talk to him when he’s feeling a little better_

Dan read my sentence and made a final reply.

_Sure, sounds good_

I pocketed my phone, now that Dan and I were done with that brief conversation. We sat for a while in silence, Dan occasionally saying things to Adam. It seemed that the pain was slowly easing off.

Noticing a few people walking past us, I glanced around the rest of the foyer. A small stream of people trickled out of the building from the direction of the screen we’d been in. Looking at the time, it was likely our film that had finished. Sure enough, a minute later, two familiar faces wandered round the corner, eyes searching as they looked for us. I waved to them, and Dan followed suit. They quickly spotted us and made their way over.

Dan got up and stepped away from the table to relay the events to his parents. That took a minute or so, and then we were leaving the cinema. Dan was being very protective of his little brother which was nice to see. He had his arm around Adam as we walked towards the car. Anyone else and I might’ve felt jealous, but this was just cute.

“We were going to go out for dinner,” Bernard said, “But we’re going to cancel the booking; let’s get Adam home. Also Dan, we weren’t quite sure how you’d be with that?”

“Neither am I,” Dan said, “But I’m probably happier eating at home.”

We got into the back of Dan’s Dad’s car and headed back home. Adam was no longer crying out in pain, but we all knew he was far from okay and probably wouldn’t be for a while.

“What are we doing for dinner then?” Adam yawned to his parents, “It’s just I want to go to sleep and I don’t want to wait around too long.”

“We don’t know yet,” Bernard replied, “I’ll need to have a look and see what we’ve got but you can have something quick like a microwave pasta if you want.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, “‘M sorry, I’m just really tired. I think I slept for about two hours in total last night.”

“It’s okay,” Catherine told him, looking back from the passenger seat and giving him an encouraging smile.

“Thanks,” Adam nodded, looking longingly at the walls of the car.

I was puzzled about whether he wanted out or quite what was causing that expression when Dan looked at patted his own shoulder and looked at Adam, “It’s okay.”

Adam rested his head on Dan’s shoulder and shut his eyes and I finally understood. He’d just wanted somewhere to rest his head, and being in the middle, that wasn’t easy.

In the ten minutes that remained to get back to Dan’s parents house, Adam was asleep. I think we all felt bad about waking him up, but he had to get out of the car somehow. Catherine immediately sent him to shove something in the microwave for his dinner, making him do it so he didn’t fall asleep again while he waited.

The rest of us took a more relaxed approach, getting inside and changing out of our outdoor clothes before we even thought about dinner. Dan’s parent’s, Dan and I, all met in the kitchen to discuss the options, just as Adam was finishing his spaghetti bolognaise.

“How would you be with takeaway pizza?” Dan’s mum asked him.

Dan looked thoughtful for a minute then nodded, “Yeah, I think that would be okay.”

I was surprised at his answer, but I’d seen him think about it and was happy he was giving it a shot. His parents handed us the menu to pick out our pizzas. In the end we went for a medium margherita between us two. Dan could eat however much he wanted and I would have the rest.

They ordered the pizzas and as we waited for them to arrive, Dan and I started our packing. It seemed like we’d barely been there, but we were going home in the morning. Dan poked his nose into Adam’s room on the way into his and confirmed that he was asleep.

It was relaxing to know that Adam was finally getting some peace from his busy brain, and Dan and I were able to get on with our packing for ten minutes. Before the doorbell rang with our pizza, we had got it to the stage where we had everything packed away apart from our pyjamas and wash bags and anything else we still needed to use.

The pizza was very nice, and Dan ate a reasonable amount. It was only when we were sitting in the living room afterwards that it started to bother him. We were watching the TV with his parents, when Dan spoke to me.

“Phil, I feel sick,” Dan said, “Like I haven’t eaten so much cheese in ages and I think it’s too much fat for my body to handle.”

I noticed Dan’s face pale as he said the word ‘fat’, maybe only now realising the specifics of what he ate. Cheese wasn’t the easiest thing to stomach, in fact I sometimes felt a little off after eating too much of it myself.

“Do you feel like you’re going to throw up?” I asked him, “Or we can go upstairs and I’ve got some tablets you can take?”

“I don’t know,” Dan groaned.

“Let’s go upstairs,” I told him, getting up and helping him to his feet, “You can take the tablets and then see if you feel any better.”

Dan nodded and followed me out of the room, Catherine following behind us. She left and turned into the kitchen and Dan and I headed up the stairs.

Dan sat back on the bed while I looked out the tablets that would hopefully help to calm whatever was going on in his stomach. I handed him the right dose and he popped them in his mouth to dissolve.

Dan’s mum walked into the room, carrying a glass of water. These particular tablets didn’t need to be taken with water, but I’m sure it would be good to have a drink on hand.

She laid it down on the bedside table and plonked an empty ice cream tub on Dan’s lap, “Just keep that handy until you’re feeling better, just in case.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled.

I plopped down on the bed next to Dan, and wound my arm around his shoulders in a comforting gesture.

“Shall I go back downstairs?” Catherine asked, “You look like you’ve got this all under control.”

“Yeah, I’m quite experienced at looking after this one,” I told her, giving Dan an amicable pat.

“I am too,” Dan’s mum said, as she headed towards the door, “But your experience is more up to date so I’ll leave you to it.”

I continued to sit with Dan, initially unsure whether he was going to feel better or whether we were about to see his dinner again. However after a while, he told me that he thought he was feeling a tiny bit better.

“You stay there,” I told him, getting up from the bed, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to get started on our packing, the things we don’t need tonight or in the morning.”

“Good idea,” Dan said, still a little miserably, “I keep forgetting we’re going home tomorrow, because this is home too and it feels a bit weird.”

“I’m happy to come down here with you again soon,” I told him, as I started to shove stuff back in our suitcases, “How about your birthday? Or sooner? Maybe don’t leave it as long this time.”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Dan said, smiling, “And thanks for helping me because i wouldn’t have had the confidence to come here, without you.”

“It’s no problem,” I said, dropping a T-shirt to lean down to give him a small kiss.

For a while, I continued to pack with Dan watching me. That was until he convinced me that he was feeling well enough to help.

The packing progressed a lot quicker with two of us doing it, and soon we had done all that we could. Slightly tired out from all the moving around, we collapsed on the bed to rest.

“You’re definitely feeling okay now?” I checked with Dan, in case the feeling better was just a blip.

“Yep, I’m good,” Dan confirmed.

“I’m glad,” I told him, “You’ve been having a pretty good couple of days.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, happily, “I feel really relieved now that my parents know and they took it so well. Like I don’t really have much to worry about now, well apart from my future and my brother.”

“Let’s make sure he has your current mobile number before we go,” I told him, “And hopefully he’ll call you if he needs someone to talk to.”

“I think he should see a soulmate bond therapist too,” Dan said, “Or at least talk to one and see if they can ease his mind a little.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “We can leave that thought with your parents and see if they can organise him an appointment.”

“Yeah, but if he’s up tomorrow morning, I’m going to see what he thinks, in case I need to persuade him to give it a shot,” Dan said, a sudden tone of realisation hitting his voice, “In fact, I’m just thinking, there’s even the possibility they could help to track him down. Like we never know, he could be seeing a therapist, especially now he’s in hospital, he’ll be in some sort of system.”

“Yeah, that would be good,” I said, “I really hope it helps.”

After paying a visit downstairs to Dan’s parents, to inform them that Dan was feeling better, we decided to have an early night and go to bed about half ten. We had a long drive ahead of us in the morning and I did not want to be falling asleep at the wheel.


	11. Love Means More Than Clean Sheets

**Phil's POV:**

The morning came, and with it, the requirement to get our stuff together so we could head home. Dan’s mum, Catherine had woken us up, which I was thankful for as both of us had forgotten to set an earlier alarm. She did walk in on us cuddling in our sleep, but it could’ve been worse. She would’ve just seen Dan’s face buried in my chest and my arms wrapped around him. I did sometimes question how he found that comfortable, but I wasn’t complaining. **  
**

We both got dressed and headed down the stairs for breakfast with the rest of the family. To both of our surprise, Adam was already sitting at the table and eating some cereal.

“Hey Adam,” Dan greeted him, “How’re you feeling?”

“Okay,” he replied, laying his spoon down to talk to Dan, “He’s feeling a bit better this morning. There’s less pain, but he’s still not great mentally.”

“How are you feeling mentally?” Dan asked, “Like I know yesterday you were a bit all over the place.”

“Better now I’ve had some sleep,” Adam said, “I was able to sleep most of last night because I know he’s in safe hands in a hospital. It gives me some hope that they’ll be able to help him.”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, picking up the cereal and pouring himself a bowl. “The doctors will keep a good eye on him, because it’s their job. And I have no doubt that they’ll refer him to a specialist who’ll try to help him get back on track.”

“I know, but I just wish I could help,” Adam said, yet again expressing his instinctive need to help.

“Honestly I think the best thing you can do at the moment is keeping yourself together for him,” Dan explained, slowly passing the cereal to me, “I was wondering if you should go and see a soulmate bond therapist? They would have a better idea what you should do.”

I poured my cereal too, not multitasking in quite the same way as Dan. I poured milk into my cereal, and then into Dan’s, as I knew it may take a while for him to get around to it himself.

“I don’t know,” Adam said worriedly, looking at his parents and then back at Dan, “I thought they just helped with deaths and broken bonds and things like that.”

“They’ll help with anything related to a soulmate bond,” Dan told him, “What you have is one of the strongest kinds, but it also has quite high rates of issues. I’m sure they’d be able to help with your case. You could give it a shot?”

“How about you go along once and see?” Bernard suggested, “No one would be forcing you to go back.”

Catherine nodded, and everyone’s eyes focused on Adam as they waited for an answer.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll go once and see.”

“Great,” Dan said, “I hope it helps. I’ve found that talking to someone who is removed from my daily life has helped me. I know my issues are unrelated, but talking about what’s wrong always helps to clear your mind. I would say ‘don’t keep things from mum and dad’ but I know how difficult that is myself. If it helps, you can always talk to me; I’ll make sure you have my number.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, looking greatful at the offer, “I might take you up on that one.”

“It’s no problem,” Dan said, finally picking up his spoon and starting to eat his cereal.

There were a few moments of silence before Dan’s parents contributed to the conversation, saying how it was a good idea. Dan hoovered up his cereal in silence, as he was now drastically behind the rest of us.

When he at last laid his spoon to rest, he brought up the possibility that the specialists would be able to help Adam find his soulmate. He did tell Adam not to get his hopes up too much, but explained how his soulmate’s mental health issues would now be recorded in a national health database. At that Adam seemed instantly more interested.

Dan’s mum started to clear the dishes from the table and we both knew that was our cue to go.

“Phil and I are going to go and finish our packing,” Dan said, standing up from the table, “Unless you’d like any help with the dishes?”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Catherine replied, “You boys go and get your stuff sorted. It’s best to be on the road as early as you can be, so you’ll be out of the city before rush hour.”

Dan and I went upstairs to finish getting ready. Our first stop was the bathroom where we brushed our teeth and Dan took his anxiety medicine. He would usually take it at breakfast, but he’d been doing it after to avoid questions from his parents. There was always the slight risk of his anxiety saying hello at breakfast, but it wouldn’t be bad as he was feeling relatively at home.

We tossed our toiletries, pyjamas and last few things into our suitcases. There was no longer any point in packing them tidily, as we were going home. We lugged them down the stairs to the front door, and from there, all that remained was saying our goodbyes. I knew it was going to be hard for Dan, as some tender moments had been exchanged during this trip, and he was about to head back miles away from his family.

Dan’s dad and brother joined us at the door. His mum was yet to appear, but I could hear her moving around upstairs. After a minute or two she descended down the stairs, carrying something in her hand. As she got closer, I recognised it as being Dan’s box of anxiety pills. He must’ve left them somewhere after taking them this morning.

“These must be one of yours?” Catherine said, holding the box in front of Dan and I.

“Yeah, they’re mine,” Dan admitted, reaching out to take them from her.

“What are they?” she asked, curiously.

“Medicine,” Dan stated.

“For what?” she inquired.

Dan looked hesitant, before deciding to give her the truth, “Anxiety.”

“Anxiety? What like?” she asked, now sounding worried.

“Like to prevent panic attacks,” Dan said, yawning as if to suggest it wasn’t that important.

“Panic attacks? Why?” she asked, “If you don’t mind me asking?”

“Just…” Dan started hesitantly.

I laid my hand on Dan’s back to give him a little physical moral support.

“Sometimes things trigger me, like weight and my ex-girlfriend and umm…” Dan continued, starting to sound a little panicky as he thought of his triggers.

“Let’s maybe not talk about it,” I butted in, sensing Dan was getting uncomfortable.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, flashing me a grateful smile, “I’d rather not.”

Dan’s mum continued to look worried, and Dan obviously picked up on this, “Don’t worry, I’m okay the majority of the time.”

“Yeah,” I confirmed, “Those tablets help a lot with just generally keeping him anxiety-free, but there are other ones in case he does have a panic attack. It’s pretty much under control.”

“Uh-huh,” Dan nodded, “Please don’t worry; that’s Phil’s job.”

“Okay, I’ll try not to,” she assured him, “Though it is difficult when you’re so far away and I don’t know what you’re going through. Let’s maybe try and talk more often.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, “I’d like that. It was difficult before, but I’m a lot better.”

“I’m glad,” she said smiling.

“Do you want some snacks for the journey?” she asked, changing the subject.

“Ummm…” Dan hesitated, “If it’s like an apple or something?”

“Oh yeah, sure,” she said, “How about you Phil?”

“Yeah an apple’s good for me too,” I replied, going with what Dan was having because it was easiest.

Catherine disappeared to the kitchen and returned with two apples and a box of grapes, “I’ll give you these too.”

Dan and I thanked her, and put the fruit with our stuff, before we said our goodbyes. One by one, the three of them enveloped Dan emotional embraces. I received hugs too, but not with the same level of intensity.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” Dan’s mum said to him, “Look after yourself, keep in contact, and we can maybe see you again soon?”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Dan replied, “I’ve missed you over the last year, but I was scared to umm… talk about what was going on.”

“We understand,” Dan’s Dad said, hugging him, “But we’re proud of you for getting back to where you are.”

“And Phil,” Dan’s Dad said, opening his arms to me, when he was finished with Dan, “Thank you so much for being there for him. We had no idea.”

The longest and most emotional goodbye was shared between Dan and his brother. None of us quite knew what words they exchanged, but their hug lasted a good minute, with words being murmured between them.

“I should give you a note of our landline number,” Dan said to him, as he backed out of the hug, “We’ll be looking for a new place soon, but I think it’ll be a while before we actually move.”

Catherine quickly found us a paper and pen, where I neatly wrote down the landline number for our flat.

Dan passed it to his brother, “Here you go, just in case something happens at night time, you should be able to reach us on this.”

“Thanks,” Adam replied, a small smile making it to the corners of his mouth.

—

Dan and I put all our stuff in my car and said our last goodbyes. As we drove out of the driveway, his family waved from the front window.

Once we were out of sight of the house, Dan leant back in his seat and let out a sigh, “I’m glad that’s over, but I enjoyed being with them but I’m glad to be going home.”

“I know what you mean,” I told Dan, despite his statement possibly being confusing, “Let’s have a relaxing evening, just you and I time.”

“That sounds good,” Dan nodded, “I’ve missed that in the last couple of days.”

The journey home was pleasantly uneventful. We made two stops in total, one just to use the toilet and stretch our legs, and the other for lunch. It pleased me to see Dan coping with ordering his lunch, and eating the majority of it. There wasn’t an anxious word about it, and despite not asking, I felt he was okay.

Coming home, and retreating to our own private space was the best feeling. We’d both missed having that sanctuary where we could be alone together, not necessarily in a sexual sense, but on more emotional levels. Yes, we might have some naked fun, but I wanted to make tonight mainly about relaxing and unwinding, because despite things going okay for Dan, it had still been a stressful weekend. He was worried about his brother, and although that wouldn’t go away, he could do to unwind a little. I think we both could.

After the arduous task of dragging our suitcases back up the stairs to our flat, Dan and I flopped down on the sofa to recover.

“I’m so happy to be back,” Dan said, “Like I know this place is small and a bit untidy, but it’s full of you and me and it’s home now.”

“Mmm,” I replied happily, cuddling into his side and kissing him on the cheek, “It’s nice to be back so I can do things like that without your family seeing.”

Dan turned around a little, and leant in. I did the same until we met in the middle with a kiss on the lips. It felt like it had been ages since we’d had the opportunity to kiss properly without worrying about interruptions.

“Love you,” Dan said, when we eventually pulled back, “And I can think of a whole number of other things we wouldn’t want my parents seeing.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, knowing exactly what Dan had in mind, “Later.”

“Are you suggesting something?” Dan asked me, curiously.

“Not really; I just want to make this evening relaxing and not rush into things,” I told him, “I was thinking we could maybe cuddle for awhile, cook dinner together if you want and later on, have a bath together and see where things go.”

“That sounds good,” Dan said, and a rush of warmth flowed through me as he relaxed further into my arms, shutting his eyes with a smile on his face.

“You’re so cute,” I told him, leaning down to kiss him again.

“Thanks,” he laughed, “You are too, but I was thinking about maybe taking a nap. I’m exhausted.”

As if to prove his point, Dan let out a yawn, and adjusted his position in my arms, “Can I stay here? I’m really enjoying just being with you?”

“Of course,” I said, “Though we could maybe go through to the bedroom so it’s a little more comfy? Also, I’ll join you in having a nap.”

“But I’m comfy here,” Dan complained, “And I’m too tired to get up.”

“Okay,” I laughed, giving in, “Just remember who’s idea it was when we wake up with sore necks.”

Giving in to Dan’s wanting to stay here, I gave him the peace to get some sleep. I set an alarm on my phone, in case we didn’t wake up ourselves. I put my phone to the side, and despite the weight of Dan leaning against me, I was able to drift off for a nice little snooze.

When we woke up, I was surprised to find that I didn’t have a stiff neck and aching muscles. Dan, however, was a different matter. He should’ve known better than to sleep on the sofa, but he did insist. He let out a groan and stretched his limbs, multiple joints cracking in the process. He then settled back in my arms, apologising for the nose-bonking he’d committed in the process.

“You regretting sleeping here?” I asked him, teasingly.

“Maybe a little,” he said, moving his neck awkwardly, “Though I didn’t sleep in the best position.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, having seen how he’d slept, “All the more reason to have a bath later.”

I brushed his hand away from his neck and gently rubbed it with my own, “C’mon, let’s go and cook dinner.”

We were a little short on fresh ingredients as we’d been away, but I tried my best to put together something that was both healthy and tasty. In the end, with approval from Dan, we made a chicken stew. Nothing we ate was the epitome of healthiness, but Dan was getting on okay with it. Originally the doctor had given us some meal plans, but a lot of the stuff sounded downright disgusting and I don’t think we tried it more than once.

I managed to conjure up a simple gravy with some chicken stock, white wine, and a few herbs. It was definitely not a day for a creamy sauce as we had no milk or cream in the fridge. We needed to do some shopping now that we were home.

I was having potatoes with my stew, but I knew that was something I should ask Dan about. One of my first memories of him was his reluctance to eat potatoes.

“You want a potato?” I asked him, as I put two in the sink to wash for myself.

I was pretty much positive that Dan would refuse. He used to put his reasons in words and complain about ‘too many carbs’ or something, but of recent he’d just been giving me a sad look and shaking his head.

“Okay,” Dan said hesitantly, “Just a small one though.”

I fished the smallest potato out of the vegetable bucket and plopped it in the sink next to my two. I looked up at Dan with a smile.

“You know the first conversation I had with you involved potatoes?” I asked him thoughtfully.

“I think I remember that,” Dan said, “I asked for my meal without them, right?”

“Yeah, and then you had a whole awkward explanation to your date about why you weren’t eating them,” I continued, reminiscing as Dan seemed okay with talking about it.

“Ughh don’t remind me of her,” Dan said, “She was so controlling. I’m glad you came along when you did, because I wouldn’t have wanted to be stuck in a relationship with that. The one thing I thank her for is forcing me to go out for a meal rather than for coffee somewhere. Like despite me throwing up and everything, I met you and that was the best thing ever.”

“I’m glad I met you then too,” I told Dan, “I knew you needed a helping hand, and I was glad to know I could be there for you.”

Abandoning the cooking for a minute, I put my arms around Dan and hugged him close, “I love you.”

Dan nuzzled his face lovingly into my shoulder, “I love you too, Phil, and thank you so much for helping me through everything.”

“It’s alright,” I said cheerily, “It was literally destined to be.”

In that second, I decided to stop with the cheesy words and just kiss him. Lips had other uses than just words, and the moment was right. Our lips met for a good few seconds, but I wasn’t letting things head in the direction of heated making out. I pulled away and went back to hugging Dan. Seeing him crack his neck awkwardly, I brought one one of my hands up to support it and rub it gently.

“You okay or do you want some painkillers for that?” I asked him, feeling a little concerned.

“I’ll be fine,” he replied, “I’m sure it’ll go away. I’ll just make sure to sleep on an actual pillow tonight.”

“Okay,”  I nodded, proud of his choice to stick it out.

That conversation had ended and my stomach decided this was the moment to butt in. It let out a loud rumble, and I could feel the emptiness.

“Phil!” Dan laughed, “I felt that. C’mon, you’d better get back to the cooking.”

“Alright,” I laughed, releasing the embrace and turning back to the sink to sort out the potatoes.

Once the potatoes were on, Dan and I were pretty much free to chat while we waited for our meal to cook. We remained in the kitchen, occasionally taking turns to stir the chicken.

“I should really cook something for my cooking channel sometime,” I thought aloud, “Like I haven’t been on my social media much recently, but I know everyone’s asking what’s happened to me.”

“I’ll help you with it if you want,” Dan said, surprising me to the extent I nearly dropped the gravy-covered spoon on the floor.

“Are you sure?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “I think it’ll be good for me to actually do something. Plus, instead of just saying, ‘I met my soulmate and was a bit busy’, you could introduce me. I mean, only if you want, though.”

“That could be an idea,” I agreed, “But we need to agree what you’re happy to share with the internet. I’ll let you think about that.”

“Uh-huh,” Dan said, “When are you thinking of filming it?”

“Probably tomorrow,” Phil said, “It’s a good chance before I’m back at work. If you need longer to think then you can help with my next one after that.”

“No, tomorrow should be okay,” Dan said cheerily, “Also, just so I don’t throw this on you out of the blue at some point, I’m thinking I might start looking for a job - probably just part time at the moment - because I feel bad living off you and my parents.”

“I don’t mind; we’re getting by,” I told him, “But if you think you’re ready then go for it. Just one thing - can I just ask that you don’t pick anywhere too far away? I know I’ll worry, and my mind’ll be more at ease if you’re close by.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, “I don’t really want to be too far from you either, just in case… I… I’m not completely better and if I have a panic attack and can’t cope…”

“Uh huh,” I nodded, “And I think part time will be the best for you at the moment, or something with shifts that is fairly flexible. That’ll let you ease yourself back into doing something with your time, and you’ll still be at home a lot.”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “I just hope I don’t end up working like the exact opposite hours from you; it’s certainly possible with you working evenings.”

“I’m sure we’ll make something work,” I told him, “But the first step is to get your CV up to date and then look to see what you can find. We should also go house hunting at some point, but let’s wait until we’re back into our usual routine of being home.”

“Yeah, that’s an idea,” Dan agreed, but looking slightly saddened.

“Something wrong?” I asked him softly.

“No, it’s just a lot of change we’re planning,” Dan said, “I guess I’m just a little scared.”

“Well I’m right here by your side,” I reminded him, giving him a half hug, “You can tell me if anything gets too much.”

“Thanks,” Dan nodded, “I didn’t used to be scared of change, but I guess it’s because I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while right now, and I’m just nervous. I didn’t feel safe in my old flat, and like, what if the new place has like the same layout or something.”

“We won’t buy it then,” I told him confidently, “It’s as much your choice as mine.”

“Okay, and sorry if I’m acting like I’m five,” Dan said, trembling a little.

“You’re not,” I told him, lifting a hand to his back and guiding him to go and sit down.

“You’re just anxious about it, and that’s okay,” I added, flicking on the kettle, before sitting down next to him.

I rested my hand on Dan’s knee and moved my hand slowly in attempt to calm him down.

“Deep breaths,” I told him, hearing that his breathing was shaky as well as his body, “I’ve got the kettle on for some tea.”

I sat back and relaxed myself. I knew it was only a passing moment of anxiety, rather than a panic attack, so he would be fine, but I think it helped him if I was calm.

“Phil, you don’t need to make me tea. I’m fine,” Dan said, sounding a little miffed.

“I know you’re fine,” I told him, “But I’m making tea anyway.”

“Okay,” Dan said, sounding a little happier, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I said moving my hand to run my hand over his back.

Dan leant into my side, and I stayed with him until the kettle boiled. When it did, I got up to make the tea, stirring our food while it infused.

“Dinner’ll be ready in about five,” I told Dan, returning to remove the teabag and add a splash of milk.

I took the tea to Dan and laid it down in front of him, “Here you go.”

Dan immediately picked up the mug of tea, and curled himself around it, not drinking it yet, but appreciating its heat.

“You cold?” I asked him, feeling one of his hands to see.

“A little,” Dan said, shivering as he spoke, his hands cold like I expected.

“I’m going to go and get you a fleece,” I told him, “And I’ll turn the heating up a tad, because I’m a little chilly too. The flat’s cold because we’ve been away for a few days.”

I made the trip to our bedroom to grab a fleece, stopping off at the heating controller on the way back. It would take awhile for us to notice the few extra degrees, but I’m sure Dan would be a bit warmer once I swathed him in the large fleece I was carrying.

I draped the fleece over Dan’s shoulders; he could put it on properly himself once he’d laid his tea down. It was then that the timer went to tell me that our dinner was ready. I got to work plating up the food as Dan finished his tea. I did what had become habit with Dan, serving him just a little touch more than he’d eaten the previous time, but leaving enough for seconds in the pot if he finished.

Dan had finished his mug of tea by the time I laid his food down in front of him. I sat beside him with my own plate, and immediately got dug in, as I was pretty hungry.

“Tuck in, Dan,” I said encouragingly, getting his attention as he’d been staring into space.

Jumping a little at my voice, Dan picked up his cutlery and started eating too. I started chatting to him about my plans for the evening, likely involving us taking a relaxing bath together if he was up for that. Dan seemed up for it, and my conversation served as a good distraction from the task at hand. One tends to think more about the food they are eating if they are eating alone.

As I finished my plate and went up for seconds, I noticed that Dan was now picking at his food, staring at it miserably.

“You done?” I asked Dan, cautiously, knowing something wasn’t right.

“Yeahhh…” he said slowly, “I can’t eat anything more or I’m gonna explode. I think I’m full of tea.”

“That’s alright,” I told him, lifting his plate and taking it away to scrape into the food waste, “I get that. How about a piece of fruit later when you’ve digested a bit and gone to the bathroom or whatever?”

“Maybe,” Dan said, leaning back and resting a hand on his stomach.

Once I’d finished my second helping, Dan and I took to the living room to relax. I knew he wasn’t really feeling his best, so I did my best at being a loving boyfriend and helping him through the negative emotions. We settled on the sofa and put the TV on mainly for background noise. I had my arms securely wrapped around him and we discussed the video I would be filming tomorrow.

With the carefully thought out meals I had been making for Dan, I had improved my own diet by learning how to cook with healthier ingredients or low fat alternatives. A while ago, I had decided that I would make my comeback to my cooking channel by introducing a range of healthier options; not necessarily one hundred percent healthy, but healthier than what you would buy from the shops. The first of these was going to be a pizza.

We’d eaten takeaway pizza at Dan’s parents house, and he was more or less okay with it. That had given me the idea that I could try to make a pizza at home, where we knew all the ingredients that went in and could cater the toppings to our own tastes and dietary requirements. Dan seemed up for the idea, telling me that he missed being able to eat pizza without feeling bad about it.

“If you want, you can tell them about me and how you got the inspiration for this healthy eating thing?” Dan suggested, “Like say about my, uhh, eating disorder.”

“Ummm,” I hesitated, surprised that he had suggested it, “If you’re completely sure you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, I’m fine with it,” Dan said, “It might even help other people in a similar situation.”

“That’s the plan,” I said happily, glad that Dan was willing to help out further.

There was a lull in our conversation as we had pretty much exhausted the topic of my video for now. Now that I didn’t have my focus on something else, I noticed that Dan was wriggling around and looking rather uncomfortable.

“Dan, is something wrong? Are you feeling sick?” I asked him, running my hand through his hair.

“I… uhh… I just really need a piss, but I know you don’t like me going to the bathroom so soon after eating,” Dan mumbled quickly, hiding his face in his hands.

“Oh god, you should’ve said. Come on; it’s okay,” I said, getting up from the sofa and dragging him after me.

Dan loosened his belt on the way to the bathroom, his other hand cupped around his crotch. I really hoped that this didn’t turn out like his second morning here, because that was embarrassing enough when he was too unwell to get himself there.

I waited outside the bathroom, but quite a distance away, while Dan went about his business, completely trusting him but wanting to stay nearby. I could hear that everything was okay, and that was enough. A couple of minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom, looking rather relieved. He walked straight towards me and nuzzled into my arms for a hug.

“I am so sorry you thought I wouldn’t let you go,” I told Dan, “That was really just a precaution at first when I knew you would try. You’re doing great now. Obviously I’m going to be a bit more hesitant if you relapse, but you’re doing well at the moment.”

“It’s okay,” Dan said, “I was going to say sooner or later anyway.”

“Are you okay?” I asked him, rubbing my hand over his stomach, “Like it doesn’t hurt or anything does it?”

“No,” Dan said, “Why would it?”

“Okay good,” I replied, “Sorry, you know me, I worry a lot.”

“Yeah… “ Dan said, “Try not to, I’m fine, but I completely get where it comes from.”

Dan and I returned to our previous position on the sofa very quickly, and resumed our action of sitting and chatting with our limbs tangled in each others. I handed him a banana, and he ate it without any persuasion. Even he seemed glad to manage the extra snack.

I congratulated Dan on his progress and we got onto the topic of his next doctor’s appointment. It would consist of the usuals of weighing him, asking how he’s been feeling and seeing if there had been any issues. As far as I could remember, everything had been fine and we wouldn’t have much to talk about. To me, Dan seemed well along his road to recovery, and I hoped his doctor agreed.

We took the evening off from discussing Adam. He had been fine when we left, and we both had the confidence he’d be okay for the rest of the day. Dan was planning to check in with him tomorrow to see how things have been going.

When the conversation died down and Dan’s neck started to bother him again, we decided to call it a night - or almost; we were going to have a bath first.

“I’m gonna go and run us that bath I’ve been threatening,” I told Dan, “Which bathbomb d’you want?”

“I don’t mind,” Dan said, “Surprise me.”

“Okay,” I laughed, spinning around and heading out of the door towards the bathroom.

I picked out the bath bomb that sounded and looked the most relaxing. I thought about lighting a couple of candles, but I felt that that could be a bit dangerous when there were two sets of limbs that could possibly brush past them. Instead I settled for a couple of battery tealights, which gave off a nice glow without being dangerous. When the bath was deep enough, and the bath bomb, sufficiently dissolved, I called Dan through from the living room.

“This looks great,” Dan said, as he arrived in the bathroom, “Thank you.”

“S’no problem,” I said, “C’mon, let’s get in while it’s warm.”

Dan and I stripped down to the nude, quickly hopping into the bath before the cold air got to us. We settled into the warm water, bodies nestled together, in an embrace that left me feeling warm on the inside. Dan laid back against me and swirled his hands through the hot water. I too moved my hands around a little, before bringing them to rest on his stomach.

Our time in the bath was peaceful, exchanging only a few words, and not ones of great importance - only simple content sighs or a request to pass the washcloth. It was only when the water started to lose its warmth that we began to contemplate getting out. There were goosebumps on both my body and Dan’s and we were the only thing keeping each other warm.

Conveniently, our towels had been on the radiator and wrapping one around myself was like being engulfed in a hug from a warm fluffy bunny. We both got ourselves mostly dried off, before heading in the direction of the bedroom. I took the lead, having a few things planned out in my head for how we could finish off our evening of relaxation.

“Babe, d’you want to lay down on your front?” I asked Dan softly, giving him a gentle nudge in the direction of the bed.

“Sure,” Dan said, pushing the duvet to the side and then laying face down on the sheets, “What are you planning?”

“Well..” I said, sitting next to him and laying one hand in the middle of his back.

I moved my hand to his right shoulder and started to rub circles on it with my thumb, “I think somebody could do with a little shoulder and neck massage; how does that sound?”

“Really? That would be amazing!” Dan said, his voice elated.

“I’m not an expert,” I warned him, “But I hope it’ll be okay.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great Phil,” Dan said, adjusting his neck slightly, “Am I okay like this?”

“Yeah, that’s great,” I told him, grabbing a moisturiser that I left nearby earlier on.

I knew that professional masseuses would use special massage oil, but that wasn’t something we owned. The best option to avoid friction was the moisturiser we both used. In addition, it would also moisturise his skin.

I moved so that I was kneeling over Dan, only a little of my weight resting on him. Using a fair bit of the moisturiser, I started with his shoulders. I began with gentle rubbing, and over time applied a little more pressure. At first, I kept checking up with Dan that I was doing it right, but over time I gained confidence. As I worked on his neck, he seemed to be holding something back. When he eventually let out a moan, I told him not to hold back.

Dan’s moans slowly turned the massage into something else; he was grinding into the mattress with each of my actions and I was getting turned on too. I was wondering whether I should take the massage elsewhere when Dan said just what I needed to hear.

“My neck’s fine now,” Dan said, “Please fuck me.”

“Okay,” I said, hopping off of his back for a couple of seconds to swap the moisturiser for the lube.

Returning to Dan, this time I positioned myself over his legs. I spent a short time working my hands down his body from his shoulders until I had one hand resting on each cheek of his bum. I pushed them slightly apart and nudged his legs for him to spread them apart. Only once I had better access did I start to prepare him, first rubbing some lube between my hands to take the chill out of it.

We hadn’t done anything in days, so Dan was in no way stretched and ready. However, he was incredibly relaxed, so it didn’t take long to get him there. Once I was inside him, we took it not too hard, nor too fast. Tonight was about relaxing and taking it slow, and neither of us were looking for anything more.

Making love was always a slightly messy activity, but we could shower off our sweaty sheen in the morning. All the cleaning up that we did there and then was me taking a tissue to wipe up what I could of our sticky white mess. The sheets might need a wash, but that didn’t stop us from sleeping in them. Love means more than clean sheets; love is the warmth that lingers between them.


	12. Something Wrong

**Phil's POV:**

Filming a video had once been a process that I’d gotten down to a fine art, but today seemed to be an exception to that. Even my breakfast had turned out a disaster. I’d poured the end of the milk into my cereal, just tidying up that extra little bit. When I came to make myself a coffee, I realised that I had in fact finished all of the milk. I had to make my trip to Tesco without a coffee in me. **  
**

As Dan was helping me with the video, I dragged him along to Tesco with me. We bought quite a lot of food, seeing as we’d been away for a couple of days. The trolley got filled with pizza ingredients, some milk, a little fruit, some yoghurts and a ton of other things. Dan seemed to be a bit self conscious about all of the food in our trolley, so I decided to keep away from the chocolate aisle for today. I could pop back in on my own in the next day or two to grab myself some snacks.

On the way home I decided to get my coffee the easy way and nip into starbucks. It was too early for any of their fancy sugary wintery specials, but a nice creamy latte seemed perfect. I was still drinking my coffee when we arrived back in our flat, but had finished it by the time we had all the shopping away; well apart from the pizza ingredients - we were going to use those.

I set up the camera on the piece of tape I had on the floor to mark the perfect filming position. I double-checked that we had all of the ingredients ready, and it was almost time to turn the camera on.

“You sure about this?” I asked Dan, sidling up next to him, “You really want to share all of this with a few thousand people?”

“Yup,” Dan nodded, “I want to do this.”

“Okay, good,” I nodded, giving him a quick reminder of what we’d be doing before I turned the camera on.

“Hi everyone,” I started, with Dan out of shot, “Today I’m back with some cooking, but first, you’re probably wondering where the hell I’ve been for the last few months. Well, the answer to that is I’ve found my soulmate, and in the main I’ve just been cooking for the purpose of eating, and not for fun. Anyway, I’m going to introduce you to him, and then he’s going to help me with the video today. There’ll be a new theme to my cooking, but we’ll explain that in a minute or two.”

I left the shot for a second, and returned a second later, with my arm around Dan, him waving to the camera, “This is Dan.”

“Hi,” Dan said cheerily, “Yup, I’ve been living with Phil since late summer, and I’m the main reason he hasn’t made any videos in a while. Sorry about that.”

“Now, I haven’t spent all these months just making out with him and what not, it was more complicated than that,” I explained, “When Dan came into my life, my eating habits changed, and it became a bit of a sensitive subject. For the past few months Dan’s been recovering from an eating disorder, and it was too difficult to film my cooking on top of everything else.”

“Yeah, now I’m fairly well down the road to recovery,” Dan said, “I’m eating, just not as much as some people, and I don’t do junk food. Phil has been amazing, cooking healthy things for me which actually taste quite good. Of recent, I’ve been cooking with him, and it’s given me another level of confidence, seeing exactly what I’m eating. Today Phil wanted to update his channel at last, and I offered to help out and help explain his absence.”

“I understand that a number of you won’t understand much about eating disorders,” I said after thinking for a minute, “So I’ll leave a few links in the description for any of you who are interested in learning about them. Anyway, the other day we were at Dan’s parents house, and we had takeaway pizza for dinner. Now pizza is generally thought of as quite unhealthy, but today I’m going to show you how to make a healthy, or at least health _ier_  pizza. I’m aiming to make the content on this channel better for you, but to still taste great. I was never into healthy eating particularly before I met Dan, but I see no reason to go back from what I’m doing. I hope this inspires at least some of you to try out some healthier options…”

“And also,” Dan butted in, “If you or anyone you know is struggling to get back on their feet, this approach has helped me, so it could be worth giving it a shot.”

I nodded in agreement to Dan and decided that we had given a significant introduction. Dan and I then proceeded to show them the ingredients and equipment required to make the pizza. I also explained that the low fat ingredients could be replaced with their usual counterparts if desired. The next stage was actually showing the process of us making the pizza, which was a little more complicated.

We started by mixing up the dough for the base, and rolling it out into a circle. We baked it for a short while, telling the audience that this is when they would prepare their extra toppings, if they were to add anything extra, such as ham or chicken. When the dough was out of the oven we spread over the tomato topping and low fat cheese. Then, it was only a matter of waiting.

The smell of cooking always makes you hungry, and as the pizza baked in the oven, I could feel my stomach rumbling in anticipation, hunger for the pizza to come. Eventually, after what felt like hours of waiting, the timer went and it was time to take the pizza out the oven. I turned the camera back on, and lifted the pizza out, Dan and I both with oven gloves on to hold it up to the camera.

I sampled a slice on camera, but Dan waited until I was finished filming. That was his limit; eating in front of strangers had been a struggle at Christmas, and he wasn’t comfortable with doing it in front of thousands on the internet either. We finished off the video, with me promising that this was my return and I would upload more often, and then we could properly tuck into the pizza.

A number of slices and a yoghurt later, we were both sitting on the sofa, as I imported the video onto my laptop from my camera’s SD card. I put out a tweet saying that I was putting a video up later and started to edit. However, after not very long, I started to feel a bit sick. I blamed it on putting too much cheese on the pizza and tried to ignore it, but as time went on I felt progressively worse. I put the laptop to the side and went to the bathroom, under the pretence that I needed to pee, but I was secretly looking for some medicine to settle my stomach. I knew we had tablets that Dan still took from time to time, and I was sure they would be in the bathroom with the first aid stuff and other medicines.

I couldn’t find them in the bathroom, and after looking in our bedroom too, I started to panic a little. My stomach hurt and I could both feel and hear everything gurgling around. There was a feeling of dread in my throat, and I knew that I would have to tell Dan. I don’t know what I found scary about that, because he told me when he felt sick. It felt unnatural; our roles had been reversed and I didn’t know how to feel.

“Dan,” I said, walking back into the living room, “I feel a bit sick, do you know where the medicine is? You probably had them last.”

“The kitchen, I think,” Dan said, getting to his feet and coming over to me.

**Dan’s POV:**

When Phil walked into the room, telling me he felt sick, I was rather surprised. Phil wasn’t one to get sick, and so, I was worried. I went over to him and started to walk towards the kitchen by his side.

The tablets which we had for stomach aches and the likes were lying on the counter next to the fridge. I passed them to Phil and filled him a glass of water.

Once Phil had taken them, I noticed he was curling in around his stomach and looking somewhat pale.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom or shall we go and sit down in the living room?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” Phil responded miserably.

“Okay, you go sit down; I’ll grab the bucket as a precaution,” I told him, making sure he got to the sofa okay before I left to find the bucket.

A couple of minutes later, I joined Phil on the sofa, putting the bucket on his lap and gently hugging him from behind.

“How sick do you feel?” I asked him, “Like what feels bad?”

“Stomach,” he groaned, “Like it’s really painful and I can feel everything moving around.”

I had noticed that Phil had one of his hands cupped around his stomach, so I joined it with my own, holding his hand as he held his stomach.

“Try your best to relax,” I said, encouraging him to rest against me, “Hopefully those tablets will work and you’ll feel better soon.”

Phil nodded, but remained quiet. In the silence I could hear gurgling coming from his tummy. At any other time, I would have presumed he was hungry, but I knew I was just hearing what he was feeling. I hope it settled soon.

Phil was leaning against me with his eyes shut, and I had turned down the TV so it wasn’t annoying. I passed him some water occasionally and tried to make sure he was feeling looked after.

“Phil, can I get your phone?” I asked him after a while, “I’ll tweet to tell your viewers that the video won’t be Toni after all.”

“I’ll manage to do it later,” Phil said.

“Phil,” I said firmly, “Give me your phone. Leave the video until you’re feeling better.”

“Alright,” Phil groaned, passing me the device from his pocket.

I took Phil’s phone, unlocked it, and opened up his Twitter. It took me a couple of minutes to get the phrasing right but eventually I had a reasonably well composed tweet.

_Phil isn’t feeling well so his video won’t be up tonight. I hope he’ll be better by tomorrow. Thought I’d let you know -Dan, Phil’s Soulmate_

It wasn’t something I would normally do, but I signed off the tweet so the viewers would know who was tweeting from Phil’s account. I could have typed it as him, but something about that just wouldn’t seem right. I knew they would have no idea who I was, but they would find out soon enough.

I let Phil approve of the tweet before I posted it, but I wasn’t really sure whether he actually read it or not. He seemed pretty out of it.

The afternoon soon turned to evening and Phil seemed a tiny bit better. I don’t think the medicine had helped much but maybe it and done a little good. I was starting to feel a little hungry and I wondered if Phil was, after all, he was usually hungry before me.

“Do you fancy anything to eat?” I asked him, “I think I’ll put some chicken goujons in for myself.”

Phil shook his head, “I still feel kinda nauseous, and it still hurts quite a bit.”

“Some soup?” I suggested, getting up. “You know, it’s just like water with a bit more flavour and energy.”

Phil looked to be contemplating this one. Eventually I decided to answer for him, “I’ll heat up like half a tin, and you can try a little and see how it goes.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, resting his head on the edge of the bucket he was still holding.

“I’ll be back in a couple of minutes, shout if you need me sooner,” I said, feeling worried about leaving Phil.

I put my chicken in the oven, and got some soup out for Phil. I’d put it on the stove a little nearer the time. I found it really strange, cooking for myself again, because that was something I hadn’t done in months. When Phil was working, we both ate before he left, or if he was on the earlier shift, sometimes when he came home. I set a timer on the oven for around fifteen minutes; that should be around the right time to cook the soup.

I returned to Phil’s side for a while, bringing a glass of water and some painkillers. It had escaped both of our minds that he could take them alongside the tablets he’d already had. Phil took them from me, looking thankful, and swallowed them with his water.

When the buzzer went, I put the soup on the stove. I couldn’t really leave the pot unattended, so I just popped my head around the door every so often to check on Phil. There wasn’t much else I could do, but I hoped the soup would give him a bit of energy and make him feel better. Of recent, when I’ve been feeling sick, it’s been because I’ve eaten too much, or eaten something too rich for my body to cope with. We didn’t really know what was wrong with Phil, and soup seemed like the best thing to not make him feel any worse.

I poured the soup into a mug, thinking that was best if we were staying on the sofa to eat. I took my chicken out of the oven and put it on a plate for myself. Phil and I ate on the sofa, well I ate, and Phil sipped at his soup.

“How’re you managing?” I asked him, about halfway through my own plate, “It feels weird to be the one asking this.”

“Not that well,” he replied, “The painkillers have been working. My stomach isn’t agony any more but I still feel sick. Also, yeah, I feel like we’ve like switched around. I don’t feel like I can eat any more of it.”

“That’s fine,” I said, “Just set it down, I’ll take it through to the kitchen in a minute or two. I’m glad you tried.”

When I finished up my chicken, I took my plate and Phil’s mug back to the kitchen. I poured the soup down the sink and loaded up the dishwasher. I got carried away with the tidying up and it took me awhile to get back to the living room. When I did, Phil was gone from the sofa. Immediately worried, I headed in the direction of the bedroom and bathroom and called out to him.

“Phil, you okay?” I asked loudly.

“Not really,” his voice replied weakly from the bathroom.

“Wait, have you been sick?” I asked him worriedly, slightly concerned that I hadn’t felt anything through our bond.

“No, kinda the opposite,” he said sounding very embarrassed, “Just go back to the living room, I might be a while.”

Getting what Phil was saying, I gave him some peace. I knew the embarrassment from when I’d had that issue right in front of him, and I didn’t want him to feel that. Instead, I finished tidying up the kitchen, and made sure our bed was ready to be slept in. I’m guessing he would be best off just going to bed. There was no point in being awake and miserable, if he could be sleeping and giving his body the rest it required to recover from whatever he was going through.

When Phil emerged from the bathroom, he looked drained. I guided him towards our bedroom and suggested he sat down on the bed.

“I’ve cleaned the toilet,” he said, yawning, “Not gonna lie, it was pretty disgusting and I still don’t know if I’m contagious or what.”

“You didn’t have to, I could’ve done that,” I told him, “And if you’re contagious, I’ll probably catch whatever it is anyway; I’ve been hugging you all afternoon.”

“I guess,” he said, “And I really hope you don’t, I feel horrible.”

“I’m going to get you some water,” I told him, “And then how about you get to bed?”

“Okay,” Phil mumbled, “Sounds good.”

“Okay, maybe get your pyjamas on, or get down to your underwear while I’m gone,” I suggested, leaving to get him some water.

When I returned with the water, Phil was changed into his pyjamas and looking even more tired as a result. He seemed to be struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Drink this, you’ll be dehydrated,” I told him, passing him the water, “Then you can sleep.”

Phil took the water and drank it slowly. I said a few things to him while he drank.

“I’ll join you in a few hours,” I told him, “If you need me before then, just shout on me. I’ll come through occasionally to see how you’re doing. I’m going to put the bucket next to the bed, just in case you need it, but hopefully you won’t. If you get more sick during the night, wake me up, okay?”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, laying the water down on his bedside table, “I’m too tired to argue, but you could sleep on the sofa.”

“I’m staying with you,” I told him, “That’s final.”

“Thanks,” Phil mumbled, laying down tentatively.

“Oh and I don’t think you should work go to work tomorrow,” I told him, “We’ll see how you’re feeling in the morning, but you shouldn’t go in if you’ve been ill.”

“Mmm,” Phil replied, noticeably on the verge of being asleep.

I remained in the room quietly for a while, glad when he was finally asleep. I took the bucket to Phil’s bedside and then left him to it. I spent the next couple of hours watching netflix on my laptop, using headphones so I didn’t wake him up with any loud sounds.

Eventually, I locked up and joined Phil in bed. I made the decision that that was as far as I would go tonight; no spooning in case he was unwell and couldn’t get up. I turned off the light, and for the first time in months, went to bed without being encased in Phil’s arms.

–

The morning came, and I was happy to see that Phil was feeling better. He still looked a bit pale and under the weather, but he told me that he was feeling an awful lot better. The downside to that was that Phil was now arguing with me, telling me that he was well enough to go to work that evening.

If Phil worked an office job, I might have been more likely to give into him on that one, but when he worked serving food, it wasn’t a good idea for him to be working. We didn’t know what made him ill, whether he caught something on the way home from my parents, or whether it was something he ate. The latter would make him working okay, but I didn’t want him to take the risk.

“Phil, I know you’re better, but if whatever that was is infectious, you could make half your customers unwell,” I told him, “You don’t want to do that. Stay home today to make sure it’s properly out of your system.”

“Okay,” Phil agreed, “I guess you have a point. I’ll phone my boss.”

Phil lifted his phone from beside the bed, dialled his boss and lifted the phone to his ear. I guess he had decided that it was better to speak to him, rather than just text.

Phil greeted the other man, and then went on to tell him why he was phoning, “Do you think you could find someone to cover my shift this evening? No, no, Dan’s fine. I was feeling really ill most of yesterday, and it’s probably best I’m not in today because Dan and I haven’t figured out what was wrong. Urm no but diarrhoea. Yeah. I have no idea. Okay good. Thank you so much. I’ll try my best. Thanks, bye.”

Phil hung up the phone and let out a sigh of relief, “He’ll find someone to cover it. He agreed that I probably shouldn’t be working, but only after finding out exactly how ill I was.”

“Yeah, well that’s good you’ve got it sorted. You can get on with your day now and not have to stress about it,” I commented, “Do you fancy some breakfast?”

“Yeah,” Phil replied, “I’m starving, though I’ll just have some cereal to see how it sits.”

“Sure, come on then,” I said, offering him a hand up from the bed.

Phil and I went to the kitchen, where we each poured ourselves some cereal. Things felt back to normal again which was nice. I’d mentioned to Phil the other day that I was a little scared of change, and now I was noticing even the smallest things were putting me on edge. I’m guessing it was the anxiety. I might speak to my doctor about it at my next appointment. I knew it was nothing to worry about, but it was good to have them know.

After eating, Phil and I took a shower together. It was something we’d grown to do when it suited us; both of us enjoyed the intimacy of bathing or showering together. I think Phil also liked taking the opportunity to check up on the amount of meat on my bones, but as time went on, that was bothering me less and less.

I had just washed Phil’s back and as he turned back around, I noticed the hand on his stomach and a slight expression of discomfort on his face.

“Phil,” I said, placing my hands on his waist, “You okay?”

“I… just got stomach cramps from somewhere,” he told me, taking a deep breath, and rubbing his hands over his abdomen.

“Do you want to get out the shower?” I asked him, “Is it bad.”

“No, I’ll be fine,” Phil said, removing one of hands, putting on a brave face and straightening up.

“Maybe you should see a doctor?” I suggested, “See what yesterday was all about.”

“Dan, honestly, I’m fine now. It’s nothing,” Phil grumbled.

“Okay,” I nodded, embracing him, “Just say if you feel at all sick again.”

Phil and I finished in the shower and his stomach cramps seemed to go almost as quickly as they came. He got on with editing his video and I let myself relax, no longer worrying about him quite so much.

**Phil’s POV:**

As I sat down to edit my video, I finally felt like myself again. Being ill was a weird thing, feeling both disconnected and too connected with my body. Despite wanting to know why I had been ill, I rejected Dan’s suggestion of going to see the doctor because I felt that was unnecessary. I felt better now, and I was going to get on with my life without lingering on the past.

I got the odd stomach cramp throughout the day, but it was nothing. It would just be my stomach recovering from yesterday afternoon. By mid afternoon, I had my video completely edited and it was ready to be put out to my audience. If Dan hadn’t eaten the pizza too, then I couldn’t have put it up. He’d been fine, so there was no way that my slight illness had been caused by the pizza recipe. If it was just me that had eaten the food, I would’ve probably had to scrap the video.

I made the video public and tweeted it out to my followers, along with the news that I was feeling better today. For a while Dan and I watched the positive responses come flooding in: a lot of people were glad to have me back and a number seemed to love Dan. There were a few healthy eating haters, but that wasn’t unexpected.

Dan cooked dinner in the evening; I didn’t want to cook when I’d been a bit unwell, and neither of us particularly fancied take-away. In contrast to my cooking, Dan’s was quite simplistic, but that was all I was looking for.

I spent the evening watching a film with Dan, instead of feeling like poop in the bathroom. Being ill always made you realise how good being healthy is, and feeling better is the best thing in the world. 


	13. Your Flat Won’t Be Home Anymore

**Phil’s POV:**

I returned to work the day after I’d originally planned, feeling a lot better. I was still eating a bit like a sick person and not having anything too fancy. On my basic diet of cereal, tea, soup, toast and chicken, I was still having stomach aches, but they were nothing compared to the other night. I was probably just a bit gassy or something.

Being back at work was nice, getting back into a schedule of being productive. Shortly after I’d arrived, my boss approached me, to make sure I was definitely well enough to work. After speaking to him for five minutes, involving an amicable chat about our christmases, he let me off into the front to take some orders or take people to their seats.

Work went well that day, and for the next few. I took my day off as an opportunity for Dan and I to go and look at some potential houses. Both of us had done a little house hunting during the week, both online and in the local estate agents.

Deciding the places we wanted to view wasn’t too hard a decision. Our budget was tight, and there were limited properties for sale in the area, at least in close enough proximity to the restaurant. We’d wondered about a little house, but they turned out to be out of our range; however, we probably wouldn’t make much use of the garden anyway, so a biggish two bedroom flat would do.

In terms of money, Dan had what he got from his old place, and I had what I would get for mine. To help out with the process, my parents were lending me some money so we could buy the new place before I sold the old one.

The first flat we went to was immediately disheartening. We were both out of breath from the climb up the stairs, before we even got to the front door. It was promising inside, with two reasonable sized bedrooms, but the master could’ve done with a little extra space taken from the guest. The owner, who showed us and the estate agent around, was lovely, but their flat just wasn’t right for us. Afterwards, we trudged back down the stairs, hoping that the next place would have more potential.

We arranged a time to meet the estate agent at the next place, and went for a quick coffee; giving us a mid-morning caffeine boost.

Unfortunately, our first impression of the second place wasn’t great either. It had a functioning lift to take us up to the higher floors, but the lobby and public areas were disgusting. The smell of damp and sweaty cheese wasn’t very appealing, and didn’t give us much hope for what we were about to see. The flat itself, was surprisingly actually very nice. It was modern, with plenty of light, and the right size of rooms for us. It didn’t smell bad, but I honestly don’t think I could deal with the state of disrepair the rest of the building was in any time I wanted to go out.

We took the stairs on the way out of the building, which was a regrettable decision. The smell seemed to accumulate there, and with both of us being a little weak-stomached at the moment, we left the building feeling a bit sick. As we got some fresh air outside the building, we told our estate agent that it was a ‘no’ for this one too.

Despite having a breather to relieve my lungs of the smell, I could feel my coffee churning in my stomach on the drive to the next place. Was it still the smell of the building affecting me? Travel sickness didn’t generally bother me when I was driving. Maybe my stomach was still on edge after being ill a few days back.

I desperately wanted to pull over, but I didn’t want Dan to worry. I was fine. Everyone got nauseous from bad smells sometimes. I focused all my attention on the road, and tried to ignore the feeling in my stomach.

The next property, we knew was a bit outdated, but thought that it would just need some new paint here and there, and maybe a new carpet, but oh, we were wrong. As well as having puke brown carpet, with matching walls, there was peeling wallpaper, broken tiles, and a kitchen that looked like it hadn’t been updated since the seventies.

I felt quite unwell for the duration of the viewing, and when we went outside afterwards, I insisted on taking a little walk around the area before going back to the car. I might have to face up to telling Dan, and have us call this a day. However, as we walked around the neighbourhood, I may have passed a little gas, and I could feel my stomach starting to calm. Without saying anything to him about it, I happily proceeded to the next house.

I think we were both starting to lose hope, but the fourth flat was a beacon of hope. Along with the smelly place, this had been the best one from the pictures. It looked like the best, and so, we’d decided to keep it until last. It was a little more expensive than the others, but that could be a compromise we were willing to make if everything else seemed right.

I felt a warm glow as we drove up to the building; it looked nice from the outside, modern and clean. Inside, it was no different. The building didn’t have a lift, but flat was on the second floor, a major improvement from mine, which was on the fourth.

The front door of the flat led us into a wide and bright hallway, with windows down one side. It led to a large living room at the end, similarly filled with daylight, but from both sides. It comfortably had space for two sofas and a dining table. An archway led us into the kitchen, a feature that I suspected was an addition since the building of the flat, as the kitchen also had a door into the hallway. The kitchen was modern, and perfectly clean, which added to its appeal.

We saw the master bedroom next, which was large enough for both of us, but still cosy. It had less in the way of windows than the living spaces, but it had warm lighting that just made it homely. The room had its own ensuite, complete with bath and shower. A small window with obscured glass let some light into the bathroom, which was pleasant, as our current flat didn’t have a window in its bathroom.

There was a second bathroom in the flat, right next to the ensuite, but with entry from the hallway. It didn’t have a window, and just had a shower. I guess that would perform as the bathroom for guests. The guest bedroom was just the other side of the bathrooms from the master, and was small but cosy, with just enough space for a double bed, a bedside table, and a chest of drawers.

The place also had an office room, which was supplementary to our requirements, but I could see it being useful as a spare space - maybe a second sitting room, or a computer room, where I could edit my cooking videos in peace. In fact, thinking about it, it could probably function as both of those.

As we took a second look around the rooms, I started to build up an image in my head of us living here. Unlike the other places we’d seen, I could really see us in this one. I wonder if Dan felt the same way. He was certainly looking around with a little more positivity in his expression than he had had at the previous properties. I looked up at him with a smile, and he nodded thoughtfully, returning the smile. That was a good sign that he liked the place too.

“Do you think you could see yourself living here?” I asked Dan, as we headed out of the door.

“I think so,” Dan said, sounding nervous, “I really like it, and I think it could work.”

“You sound worried about something?” I asked him, as he hadn’t brought anything up.

“It’s just the thought of the change that’s bothering me really,” he admitted, tapping his hand against mine nervously.

I grabbed his hand and took it within mine, rubbing softly to try and ease some of his nerves. Dan had just had his anxiety medicine changed just two days ago, and he’d been struggling to get used to the new one. He’d been feeling slightly off form, and been on the edge of a couple of mild anxiety attacks. I wasn’t quite sure what would happen if I didn’t attempt to calm him down.

“I sense that you like this one more,” our estate agent said, “Would you like to discuss it outside?”

“Yes, but can Dan and I have a moment to discuss it in private?” I asked him, intending to sit with Dan in the back of my car.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll wait in my car,” he said, “Come over when you’re done.”

Dan and I clambered into the back of my car, and before discussing anything with him, I passed him a bottle of water he had in the front seat, and brought my arm around him.

“You’re feeling panicky, aren’t you?” I asked him softly.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “I-I d-don’t think that n-new medicine works so well.”

“Alright,” I said, “I think we should head home. I’ll go and tell him that we need a little longer to decide and we’ll maybe phone him tomorrow. You like the place though, right?”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Just c-can’t commit right now.”

I got out of the car and went across the car park to speak to the estate agent. I explained to him that we needed a little longer to think and would probably contact him tomorrow, but without going into our personal issues.

I made my return to my own car, and Dan, as quickly as possible.

As I arrived at the car, I saw Dan frantically wiping tears from his eyes. Instead of getting in the front like I’d planned, I got into the back, next to him again.

“Dan, I think you should take one of your relief tablets,” I told him, referring to his other medication which helped to calm him down from or from the verge of an attack.

Dan patted his pockets, looked puzzled, then opened his pockets and stuck his hands in. He brought his hands out again and looked in the upper pocket in his coat.

“F-fuck, I d-don’t have them,” he said, instantly beginning to panic more.

“Hey, hey it’s okay,” I told him, “We can do this just like how we used to; deep breaths, copy me.”

I started to count aloud the seconds he’d been breathing in, then holding his breath for, then breathing out. We spent about six or seven seconds on each stage, to force Dan to slow down his panicked breaths. He struggled with it the first few times, but soon he was drawing in deep breaths, waiting and then breathing back out. I hugged him loosely, trying to make him feel more comfortable.

“Do you think you can keep this up?” I asked him, referring to his breathing, “We’re only about a ten minute drive away. I can move into the front and drive us; we’ll be home soon.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dan said, still a little shaky, “It’s weird to think that soon your flat won’t be home anymore.”

“Okay,” I said, giving him my jacket as something else to keep him warm if he needed it, and getting out of the car to get in the front.

I sat down in the driver’s seat, and made sure I had everything ready to go. I took one last look back at Dan before turning my attention to the roads. I think he would be okay.

As I drove us home, I continued to talk to Dan, not allowing him to fall into the confines of his own head. I knew there could be a lot of bad thoughts in there sometimes, and I didn’t want to risk exposing him to them while he was vulnerable. Once we were in, I was planning to phone Dan’s doctor, and make sure that he was definitely taking the right dose, as it didn’t seem to be helping much.

It was refreshing to return to our own flat, after a day of looking at others. The first three were lost causes, but I had hope for the fourth. I’d talk to Dan about it later on, once we’ve dissipated the nerves from his system.

I didn’t force Dan into doing anything when we got back, but he made the decision to get into his pyjamas and curl up on our bed. When I went to speak to him about dinner, I found him still curled up, but now sucking his thumb.

“Dan,” I said softly, not quite knowing where his thoughts were, “You want to get up for dinner?”

Dan shook his head and pulled the blanket he was wrapped in tighter around him.

“Hey,” I said, laying down so my eyes were level with his, “You feeling okay?”

Dan nodded, then shrugged and looked at me miserably, “I don’t feel sick or anything, just my body feels anxiety-y and I’m tired and I’m just not feeling up for it.”

“I’ll make you some soup,” I told him, wrapping my arms around him briefly before I got up to go, “And I’ll bring it through here. It’ll give you a little energy which’ll help.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, curling back in on himself as I got up to go.

I went to the kitchen and started to heat up some soup. I got two mugs out of the cupboard, so we could have it in bed without worrying so much about spilling it. I cut up some bread for us to dunk in the soup, and put that on a plate.

When the soup was ready, I poured it into the two mugs, and carried it and the bread through to our bedroom. I laid it all down on a bedside cabinet, while I persuaded Dan to sit up. The result of that was him propped up against the headboard, still swathed in a blanket. I handed him his soup, sat down next to him with mine, and put the plate of bread between us.

I finished up my soup before Dan, putting the mug to the side when I was done.

“Dan, can I call your doctor?” I asked him, “We should tell him that this new medicine isn’t really working for you, and I’ll double check you’re definitely taking the right dose.”

“Alright,” Dan muttered, now putting his mug and the bread plate to the side, and cuddling into my side.

I dug my phone out if my pocket, found the number for Dan’s doctor, and phoned him.

“Hi, this is Phil Lester speaking on behalf of Dan Howell,” I greeted him.

“Ahh Phil, hello,” he replied, “I saw you two the other day, didn’t I? What’s the problem?”

“Yeah, it’s about the change in medicine you’ve given Dan for his anxiety,” I started, “It doesn’t seem to be working so well. He’s been feeling quite anxious in the last couple of days, he had a panic attack earlier over nothing much, and it’s probably just from the panic attack, but he’s really tired, and just generally down.”

“Alright, could he come in tomorrow, at say… ten-thirty? I’d like to see him. I agree with you that it sounds like the medicine isn’t working for him; I’d like to evaluate how he’s feeling in person. Have there any other physical side effects other than feeling tired and miserable?” he asked.

“Ten thirty should be fine,” I said, Dan giving me a nod of approval.

“Dan, anything else that could be a physical side effect?” I asked him.

“Hmm… I get headaches normally, but I might’ve had more this week,” he told me.

I passed this onto the doctor, “He thinks he might’ve been having more headaches than usual.”

“Okay, I want him to take it as usual tomorrow morning, so I can see what he’s like,” he said, “But I’m thinking I’ll likely put him back on the old one for the time being. Any other concerns?”

“I don’t think so, but can I just check - it’s definitely one tablet?” I asked.

I heard some typing, presumably him checking a database, “Yes, just one.”

“Okay, that’s great, just thought I’d check that, we’ll see you tomorrow morning then,” I said.

Dan’s doctor said goodbye, thanked me for calling about the problem, and hung up the phone.

“Okay, we’re going to get this sorted out,” I said turning to Dan, “You’re still to take the medicine tomorrow morning, so that when he sees you at ten thirty, he can evaluate how you’re feeling on it.”

“Alright,” Dan nodded, “Thanks for phoning him; I don’t like feeling like this.”

“I don’t like seeing you all down either,” I told him, pulling his blanket shrouded figure in for a hug, “Want to just cuddle for a while?”

“Yeah,” Dan mumbled, remaining in my embrace.

Despite having other things I needed to do, like think about houses, I spent my evening with Dan in my arms. He was tired and miserable, and was shaking ever-so-slightly, despite being warm enough. It made me start to wonder if he was ill.

“You don’t think you’re ill, do you?” I asked him softly.

“I don’t think so,” he said, “I just feel like I’ve had a panic attack today, which I pretty much have.”

“Good point,” I said, “Sorry, I think I’m just twitchy because I was ill, but I’m guessing you would’ve been by now if it was contagious.”

“What do you think that was?” Dan asked, “Like something you ate?”

“I’m guessing, but you’ve been eating the same meals as me and you were fine,” I thought aloud, “Unless it was some sugary snack I ate somewhere.”

“You don’t have any allergies do you?” Dan asked, “I feel like that’s not something we’ve spoken about.”

“Other than cats, no, I don’t think so,” I told him.

“Hmm, I have no idea then,” Dan said, “Let’s just hope it was a once off.”

I thought back to earlier and how I’d felt ill for a short while; was it worth telling him about that. No, it was just the manky flat.

“Oh, while I remember, thanks for holding off on the decision about the flat earlier, but we should probably talk about it now,” Dan said.

“Yeah, if you’re feeling up to it,” I told him, “Like you’ve had a long day, we can talk in the morning if it helps.”

“No, now’s good,” he said, “I’m just struggling with a bit of indecision, that’s the problem. Like I kinda feel claustrophobic here sometimes, because there’s not really space for both of us, but it’s the place I’ve felt happiest and most comfortable in a long time. I really like that fourth flat we saw, but I’m scared I won’t be able to love it in the same way.”

“It will be different, but I’m sure we’ll learn to love it in different ways,” I told him, trying to console him a little, “And plus, the spare room will allow you to have your family up, and I think that’s something you should do once we’ve moved.”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Or at least Adam, to get him out the house, and so I can make sure he’s doing alright.”

“Sounds like he can be our first guest then,” I said cheerily, “Won’t that be nice?”

“Yup, I’m looking forward to this,” Dan said, “I think we should go through with it. Yes I’m a little scared, but no one gets anywhere without taking risks.”

“Where is this sudden confidence coming from?” I asked him, “Are you really sure about this? It’s as much your decision as mine. We can wait if you want?”

“I think I should do this,” Dan said, “Don’t try to get me to back out because I really shouldn’t.”

“Dan, it's’ not about what you should and shouldn’t do; it’s about you being ready to do it,” I told him, “We’ll leave making the call until the morning. Sleep on it, okay; I don’t want you to regret this.”

Despite it being early, Dan and I got ourselves ready for bed. We couldn’t sleep in too late when we had an estate agent to phone and a doctor’s appointment to attend in the morning.

Before heading straight into cuddling him, I checked what he wanted. Would he rather have his own space? Things were different in his head, and I couldn’t be quite so sure.

Dan didn’t speak the answer, but answered physically, by curling himself not my chest. I curled my body around him, as a protective big spoon and said goodnight, encouraging him to get the rest he desperately needed.

–

My alarm went off at eight thirty the next morning, pulling me and Dan from our sleep. I just groaned and hit snooze, before curling back around Dan.

“Hey,” I said to him, “Good morning, it’s time to get up.”

“Ughh,” he groaned, “I’m so tired, are you sure?”

“Yup,” I said, “It’s eight thirty, and ideally we should phone the estate agent just after nine… so we should probably get out of bed.”

I sat up next to Dan, letting some cold air under the duvet to disturb his warm sleepy cocoon.

“C'mon,” I said, getting out of the bed, “I’m going to make breakfast; you get up then come and join me.”

I left Dan to get himself up, and went through the kitchen. I poured us each a bowl of cereal, and put milk in my own, leaving the jug next to Dan’s bowl for him to add when he arrived. I found his anxiety pills and sat them next to a glass of water. I poured myself a glass of apple juice with my breakfast, deciding that I would have a coffee just before we left for the doctor’s instead.

I’d just sat down and started on my cereal, when Dan blearily stumbled into the room.

“Hey,” I greeted him, “Poured you some cereal, you just need to add the milk”

Dan peered up at me through half-shut eyes and nodded, “Okay.”

Dan poured the milk, and then started on his cereal, not saying a lot. When he’d eaten about half of it, he laid his spoon to the side for a couple of minutes to take his medicine.

He swallowed the tablets, washed them down with water and looked up at me miserably, “Are the paracetamol in here or the bathroom? I’ve got a killer headache and these lights are killing me.”

“I think they’re in the bathroom,” I told him, “You stay there, I’ll go have a look.”

I walked out of the kitchen, twiddling the dimmer down to its lowest setting as I passed. I found the paracetamol and returned to Dan, who was now sitting with his head resting on his folded up arms, cereal pushed to the side. I sat down next to him, rather than opposite, and brought my arm around his back.

“I’ve got them,” I told him, “Are you feeling okay?”

“Kinda,” he said, “Like I don’t know if having a headache and no energy to finish your breakfast counts as okay.”

“I would offer you a coffee, but we both know that’s probably not a good idea,” I said, popping out the paracetamol and passing it to him, “Take these and have some more water.”

Dan took the medicine, then continued to sit with his head resting on his arms for a while. I cleared up all our breakfast stuff before returning to his side.

“We should probably phone the estate agent soon,” I told him, “I’m happy doing most of the speaking, but if we sit together on the sofa with the phone on speaker, then you have the option to speak too when you want. You up for that?”

“Yeah thanks,” Dan said, “I’m glad you’re up for most of the speaking because I’m really not right now.”

“Shall we go through to the living room and get this over with then?” I asked.

Dan lifted his head from the table and nodded, slowly following me as I made my way to the living room. We sat down together, and I got my phone out with the estate agent’s number on screen, ready to commit to the biggest decision of our life together so far.

The call didn’t actually take that long; we told the man our offer for the property, which he would pass on to the owners and potentially confirm or decline later in the day. It was only then that we would have to deal with processing the transaction.

–

I made myself a coffee before we headed out to the doctors, giving myself an energy boost. Dan needed an energy boost too, but coffee wasn’t for him, and he still wasn’t feeling up to eating any more. I’d probably send him back to bed when we got home. Yes, it would send his bodyclock out of thwack, but sometimes you just have to deal with the consequences.

As we sat in the waiting room, Dan was nervously fiddling with his jacket with one hand, and gripping my hand with his other. I knew it was just the anxiety and that I didn’t need to ask him what was bothering him. I just remained there as a hand to hold.

The doctor called us up, and immediately tried to cover up his concern as he saw the tremble in Dan’s step and the drained expression on his face. He took us into his room, and began the appointment with just sitting and talking about Dan’s reaction to the new medicine.

Dan had been holding in my hand since we were in the waiting room, and he hadn’t let it go. Knowing it was comforting him, I made no attempt to sever the connection unless I had to.

After spending about five minutes speaking to Dan and taking notes, the doctor informed Dan he was going to do a small physical examination. We were informed that this would involve a measurement of his heart rate and a blood sample. Dan wasn’t too keen at the thought of these, but he’d learnt that there were some things you just have to put up with.

Dan was to lay back on the bed and take off his shirt for a small monitor to be connected. He got his shirt off okay,but when the doctor approached with the little bits that attached onto his chest, he flinched away, grabbing his T-shirt to cover his chest and stomach, and letting out a small yelp.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked him, as the doctor retreated to give him some space.

“N-nothing, just jumpy,” Dan said, “Sorry, I… I haven’t felt like this in a while.”

“It’s alright,” the doctor said, “How about you attach these yourself?”

The doctor handed Dan the little sticky patches he needed to attach to his chest, and gave him instructions to guide him into getting them in the right locations. I kept out of the way to let them get on with it. Once Dan had the patches in place, the doctor took the attached wires and plugged them into a machine. I didn’t really understand what was going on, but I knew he was measuring Dan’s heart rate, which was connected to anxiety.

Eventually, after monitoring it for a while, the doctor deemed that test done and allowed Dan to remove the patches and put his shirt back on. He typed up some notes for a couple of minutes, giving Dan some time to recover.

“Alright,” he said, spinning his chair back, “If you don’t mind I’m going to take a small blood sample, okay? Nothing to worry about, just want to run some tests so we’re looking after you as best as we can.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded, “I’ve eaten already today though; will that matter?”

“No, that’s fine,” the doctor said, “Your food won’t affect the results of this one.”

The doctor got Dan’s arm ready, and when he was good to go, inserted the needle for the extraction. Most of his previous blood tests had gone smoothly, and this started off in the same way. At first, he was sitting still, and cooperating with the doctor, but then his expression began to change.

I felt him lean a lot of his weight on me, and looked into his eyes, concerned. He looked somewhat dazed, as if he wasn’t quite there.

“Dan, you okay?” I asked him.

“I feel really dizzy,” he mumbled.

At that the doctor stopped taking his blood and removed the needle, sticking cotton wool over it. Meanwhile, I held onto Dan, who was swaying a little.

“Okay, let’s get you lying down,” the doctor said, with my help guiding him slowly down onto the examination bed, “Shut your eyes if you need to.”

The doctor then lifted Dan’s knees up, and explained that that would make sure the blood was going to his head. It was a scary moment, seeing Dan on the verge of passing out, but once he was laying down we knew he would be okay. I held his hand as he lay there, while the doctor brought over a cup of water and a cardboard bowl.

We encouraged him to drink a little, keeping the bowl next to mouth in case the dizziness was accompanied by nausea. However, after a minute, he had his eyes half open and was giving weak-sounding replies. The doctor told Dan that it wasn’t uncommon to faint or have a dizzy spell after a blood test, so it was nothing to worry about.

After another few minutes, we had Dan sitting up again, leaning on my side for a little extra support.

“Okay,” the doctor said, handing us a piece of paper, “Here’s a prescription for your old medication, which we’re putting you back on for the moment. The pharmacy should have it in, so you can go pick it up today, but I strongly recommend you take a day with nothing before going back onto them, just to let the other clear out your system. Keep taking the current one until you have an opportunity to do that. I know it hasn’t helped much, but it will be having an effect. You will feel a lot more anxious on nothing so pick a day when you don’t have to do anything so you can be as relaxed and stress free as you need to be.”

“Alright,” Dan nodded, taking the prescription from him, “Should we go and get this on the way home?”

“If you’re feeling up for it, yes,” the doctor said, “But it’s fine leaving it until tomorrow. Just make sure you look after yourself when you get home. Make sure you drink a lot, preferrably something sugary like Coke or Fanta and if you’re not busy, maybe get some sleep.”

“Okay,” Dan said tiredly.

“Well, that’s you good to go,” the doctor said, making sure Dan got up alright before turning back to his notes.

Dan was a little unsteady on his feet, so I kept one arm around him as we went back through reception and into the car park. We returned to my car, where I opened the door for him to get in. He sat down in the passenger seat and leant back wearily, letting me shut the door. After getting in my own side, I asked him if he wanted to head to the pharmacy or just head home.

“Let’s go to the pharmacy,” Dan said, “Like you can go in and get it for me, right?”

“Yeah sure,” I said, “And I’ll run into the shop next door and buy you some Fanta or something? What do you want?”

“Fanta’ll be fine,” Dan said, “It’s at least a tiny bit fruity and feels less like it’s going to destroy your insides.”

“Okay,” I laughed, “But yeah, I know what you mean.”

We headed to the pharmacy, where I parked and left Dan in the car. I felt bad about leaving him alone - I always did when he wasn’t feeling too great. I gave him a small peck on the lips and told him I would be back as soon as possible.

I took the prescription into the pharmacy and handed it over to the pharmacist, who got the items from the back shop. As I was asked, “Is that all?” I decided to ask a question. I still seemed to be getting stomach aches, probably as a result of being ill earlier in the week, and I wondered if they had anything specifically to help with them.

“Do you have something for stomach aches?” I asked, hearing the nerves in my voice despite trying to be confident; admitting I needed help wasn’t something I was good at.

“What sort of stomach aches - are they accompanied by gurgling noises or nausea? Is this for intermittent use every now and then or more of a long-lasting problem?” the pharmacist quizzed me.

“Sometimes, yeah,” I responded to their first question, “I was ill earlier on in the week and just something isn’t quite right there.”

“We can give you these,” the pharmacist asked, lifting up a box of tablets from the shelf behind them, “They should get rid of the pain and deal with any nausea or upset, but I would recommend making an appointment with your doctor if you’re still not feeling one hundred percent in the next week.”

“I’ll take them,” I said, thanking her, “And hopefully I won’t need to do that.”

I left the pharmacy with a little bag carrying both our medicines, and quickly popped into the shop next door. I looked across the car park in my brief period outside, and saw Dan looking at his phone - he couldn’t be feeling too bad. I found a two litre bottle of fanta, and paid for it, not stopping to look at any other things we might be needing from the shop.

Purchases in my hands, I walked purposefully back across the car park, and to Dan. I stuck the bag from the pharmacy in the back, out of the way, and got into the front with the big bottle of fanta.

“Present,” I stated, handing Dan the fanta.

He looked a bit overwhelmed by the massive bottle I’d placed in his hands. Maybe I should’ve bought the smaller bottle, I didn’t think of this.

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to drink all of it,” I told him, “Just have some okay, it’ll help you feel better.”

“I’m gonna feel like such a pig, drinking out of a two litre bottle of this,” Dan said, glumly.

“No one’s going to judge you,” I told him, “People do it all the time. Plus remember, it is doctor’s orders.”

“Okay,” Dan said, slowly unscrewing the bottle and taking a sip.

I started the car and began the journey back to our flat. Dan was to ‘rest’ and I thought that it would probably be best if we were both at home in case the estate agent phoned back to tell us of any advances in the process of our offer.

As we climbed the stairs together, Dan was still feeling a bit faint, so I kept my arm around him. These stairs were almost always a struggle, and I looked forward to the day we had less of them.

“You do realise, that if we get the flat, you won’t have to deal with quite so many of stairs any more?” I asked Dan.

“Yeah,” he said, “This is like one of the only things I don’t like about your flat. Like I get I should be fit enough to climb these stairs, but let’s be honest, I’m not, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be.”

“I’ve lived here for years and I still can’t do them quickly without being out of breath,” I laughed, “I’m looking forward to somewhere with less stairs. Even if we don’t get the flat we’ve put an offer in for, there will be others.”

“Do you think we’ll get it?” Dan asked me, as I unlocked the door to the flat.

“I don’t know, but I hope so,” I said, thoughtfully, “Like I’m happy with it, and I’m not sure how much more property viewing I could take.”

Dan and I stepped inside. I dumped the bag from the pharmacy on the kitchen counter, and then followed Dan into our bedroom.

“You going back to bed?” I asked him, seeing him pick his pyjamas up from where he’d left them this morning.

“No,” he said, removing his coat and jumper, “Not at the moment anyway. I’m up now, so I’m just gonna stick it out for a while and maybe take an early night. I’m gonna put my pjs back on though, because these jeans are still too big, and the belt’s uncomfortable, and I just generally feel ‘not good’.”

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” I said, grabbing the duvets from our bed, “Join me in the lounge when you’re ready. I’m going to put the fire on to make it cosy. Do you want anything to eat?”

“I don’t know,” Dan said hesitantly, making it clear that he was unsure whether he felt good enough to eat anything.

“I’ll make you some toast,” I said, “You can give it a shot.”

“Alright,” Dan nodded, undoing his belt and letting his too-big jeans fall to the floor.

I turned around to leave, feeling that it wasn’t quite right to look while he was getting changed at least, when we weren’t in a heated situation. He was still very self-conscious and despite it not getting between us quite so often these days, I still made sure he was okay with what I was seeing.

I took the duvets to the living room and dumped them on the sofa, then knelt down to put the fire on. I made Dan some toast, then returned to the room to find him sitting amongst the duvets on the sofa, bottle of fanta in hand.

“Hey, here’s some toast,” I greeted him, sitting down beside him and passing the plate.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, leaning into my side.

We put the TV on and just stayed in the living room for a while, even after we had both finished our lunch. I had my phone and laptop next to me in case the estate agent called, but was just planning to remain watching TV until that happened or until I needed to eat dinner, to get out in time to work.

“How’re you feeling?” I asked Dan, looking for an update, “Am I good to go to work later, or would you like me to stay here?”

“Alright-ish,” Dan replied, “You can go, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” I nodded, seeing that his confidence was genuine, “But don’t forget you can call me if you need me to come home earlier.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, “I think I’ll be fine though.”

We’d literally just put a film on, when my phone started to ring. I recognised the number on screen as that of the estate agent, and hurriedly paused the film to answer it.

“Hello,” I said, putting the phone on speaker, so Dan was a part of the conversation too.

“The owner is happy with your offer, so the flat is yours,” he told us, “Would you like to come down to the branch to sort out the payment?”

“We won’t be able to today,” I told him, “Can it not be done over the phone?”

“It can be, if that’s what you want,” he told us, “Just most people choose to do it in person because it’s easier.”

“Yeah, I get that,” I chuckled, “We would, but Dan is on doctor’s orders to rest this afternoon.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, attempting to participate in the conversation.

It took quite a while, but eventually we had the whole thing sorted out. Dan and I would have to sign some papers at some point, but the flat was officially ours. We rounded up the phone call, and once we’d both hung up, I brought Dan into an excited hug.

“We’ve bought a flat together,” I exclaimed excitedly, “Aghh, I’m really excited now.”

“Yup,” Dan smiled, “It’s going to be great to have this living arrangement official, and actually own some of the place. It’s like another big step for our relationship.”

We sealed our cheer with a kiss, or maybe a few, but it progressed no further than that. We sat back and began to discuss matters of moving, such as where we would get boxes for our stuff, and how we should sort it. We’d have to start packing very soon, as we could move in as soon as we went to pick up the keys, and hoped to manage it before my birthday.

I realised that we really had a lot to do, and agreed with Dan that we would spend most mornings and afternoons packing and sorting things out. Dan was happy to hold off on his job search until after his move, until we were settled in our new place and he was back on his old medication. Otherwise all the change would be too much to cope with.

That evening I did go to work, but not without worrying about Dan a little. I called him during my break to make sure he was doing okay, like I’d done so many times in the past, but for a different reason. He was fine, but it eased my mind to make sure. I’d spent so long feeling him suffer alone, and now we were together, it was my duty to make sure he never had to face that again. 


	14. Taking the Leap

**Dan’s POV:**

The day started off more or less normally, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to stay that way. In result of yesterday’s trip to the doctor and chemist, I’d decided that I wanted to be back on my old medication as soon as possible, and Phil supported me in my decision that today was going to be the day I took the leap and abandoned my previous pills, to let the chemicals clear out of my system. It was scary to think about, that I could be experiencing higher levels of anxiety throughout the day. I was already feeling a little anxious thinking about that.

I knew Phil would do his best to help me through it, but there are so many things that can trigger me when I’m feeling down, even when I’m on medicine that actually works. I hoped I’d make it through the day without having a panic attack, but to be honest, that wasn’t likely, given my state of mind over the last few days.

We both slept in, having made sure to clear the day of as many responsibilities as we could. For Phil that involved phoning up his friend and colleague Chris, asking him a big favour and then inform their boss about the change. Phil sometimes felt less guilty about asking for a day off if he organised the cover himself to save his boss the effort. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling guilty every time he asked for the day off because of me. I’d more or less convinced him that I’m fine alone now, but we both knew that today I would need his support.

My breakfast eating a little better than the previous day, as I wasn’t quite so tired. I finished my cereal, and then we decided to tidy the kitchen a little because it needed it. There were empty packets on the counter, and dishes needing to be put into the dishwasher. Phil and I made light work of it, but as I opened the pharmacists bag to put my new medicine where I kept it, my rhythm was slightly thwarted. There were two boxes; one was familiar - the box of tablets I’d taken for over a month previously. However, the other I didn’t recognise, so I lifted it from the bag to study it in better light.

The fancy name on the front meant nothing to me, so I turned the box over to see what it was meant to treat. Stomach pain, bloating, upset stomach, nausea, wind, abdominal pain. I knew they weren’t for me, as I wasn’t suffering from any of these, other than very occasionally.

“Phil,” I called across the room to him, stealing his attention from the dishwasher, “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, why? …oh,” he said, expression changing as he saw the box I was holding.

“Okay, currently I’m feeling fine, but I’ve been feeling a little ill off and on all week,” Phil said nervously, “Like I’m probably just still getting better. It’s nothing, like yeah my stomach hurts and everything feels a bit weird down there, but it’s only sometimes.”

What Phil was describing didn’t sound too pleasant. I wished he’d told me rather than suffering through it alone. I also thought that he should probably see a doctor as he didn’t know why he had stomach pain.

“Phil, maybe you should go see the doctor,” I suggested, “It’ll be good to actually know what’s up.”

“I don’t know,” Phil said, “I’m sure it’s nothing and we have a move to focus on. If I’m still not right after we’ve moved, then I’ll go and see him, I promise.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “But do tell me if it gets any worse, okay. And please say if you’re feeling unwell; this works both ways, right. Don’t keep it to yourself, I’ll help you out if you need it.”

“Okay, I will,” Phil said, “But please don’t worry yourself too much.”

After tidying the kitchen, Phil and I sat down to watch some TV. We did have boxes to pack, but Phil had insisted that I take things as easily as possible and made today about relaxing.

Phil, on the other hand, was multitasking. As he listened to the TV, he was writing a list, starting to group together our belongings under headings. He was trying to start things off organised, but I knew that list would be out of the window in a couple of days. It was all stressing me out a little, doing the move this quickly, but everyone was confident that it was possible.

It was as I ate my lunch that I felt my anxiety start to make more of an appearance. Phil looked a bit worried as I left half of my food on my plate, but all I could see was the numbers in my head, the calories adding up. I tried to block it out, but without the help of my medicine, I started to panic a little and it only got worse. I folded my arms on the table, rested my head on them and took a couple of deep breaths.

“Dan?” Phil voiced his concern, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, “But if you don’t mind, I need a little alone time. I’m gonna go to the bedroom, just to recharge my social batteries.”

“Okay, I get that,” Phil said, “We both need our own space sometimes; I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”

Phil and I went our separate ways; he went to the living room, where he’d likely just be mindlessly browsing the internet and I shut the bedroom door and sank into the bed. I leant back against the headboard and forced myself to breathe deeper and slower. Phil hadn’t noticed, but I was starting to hyperventilate a little back in the kitchen. As much as I tried, I struggled to focus on my breathing, as there were too many thoughts building up in my head. I grabbed my phone from beside me and opened my notes app, desperately wanting to get them out of my head.

I think I’m scared of change

I’m shaking to much to make this move

And it’s not the air piano my fingers play

I need to tell you but I can’t say

My throat feels tight…

I stopped typing and dropped my phone to my lap. My hands were literally shaking, and it was infuriating how I couldn’t type without tonnes of mistakes. I focused on my breathing again, but every breath I took felt like I was choking. I couldn’t do this by myself, but I could barely breathe, never mind shout out for Phil. I grabbed my phone from my lap, and typed him out a text. It made no sense, but if he got it, I hoped he would get the idea.

P pls hrlp anxiet cnat breath

I let the phone fall from my hands again, and tried to catch at least one breath, but they were all escaping me, running away before I could grab on and take control. I felt a bit lightheaded and I needed something to hold onto, something to stop me from floating away. I grabbed my duvet and pulled it up to my chin, holding onto it as if my life depended on it.

I hoped Phil got my message; I didn’t know what to do. I’d told him I wanted to be alone, so it would take him a while to come and check on me. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m a fool, why turn away the one person who can help you when you need them the most. I felt tears pricking in my eyes at the thought that Phil might not have got it. What would I do then? I was cold, shaking, struggling to breathe, feeling sick, lightheaded, and now crying. Was this what dying felt like?

I didn’t notice Phil opening the door, or his presence at all until his voice broke through the fog surrounding my head.

“Dan,” he said, sounding concerned, climbing up onto the bed, next to me, “It’s okay.”

I felt Phil’s hand land on my back and the physical contact helped me feel a little more present.

“We need to get your breathing under control,” Phil told me, “You know the drill now - breath with me, I’ll count the seconds.”

I nodded shakily, and watched Phil as he exaggerated his own breathing, counting the seconds on his fingers. I did my best to copy him which was easier now he was here, but was still a struggle. My throat still felt tight, and I felt nauseous, and I wasn’t sure if my lunch was up for staying in my stomach.

“Feel sick,” I choked out to Phil, the first words I’d said to him since he came into the room.

“Do you think you might throw up?” Phil asked, “Want me to get a bucket?”

I nodded, while shrugging my shoulders, to tell him I wasn’t sure but it was maybe a good idea. I didn’t want to throw up, but I really didn’t feel good. Phil got up to go, telling me to try and continue the breathing exercise while he was gone. However, once Phil was out the door, so too was his advice. I choked on some air and suddenly everything was so much worse; I’d lost the rhythm with my breathing, and suddenly the contents of my stomach were rising to my throat and I was struggling to keep it in. Then at the last moment, as Phil was hurrying down the hallway, I lost control, and what was once my lunch was now on my duvet.

Phil saw the events unfold, coming in the door as it happened. He hurried over to my side and passed me the bucket before I made any more of a mess. Whilst expelling the remainder of my my lunch into the bucket, I began to cry harder, out of disbelief. How did I have that little self-control? It made me look like such a baby. It didn’t really help that I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face.

I looked up when I felt Phil rubbing my back, “It’s okay. Don’t worry. It’s only a small bit on your duvet, I’ll get it in the wash for you.”

“Thanks,” I said, my voice rough, but no longer feeling quite so nauseous.

Phil lifted my duvet away from me, placed it on the floor behind him, and replaced it with his own duvet, tucking it in around me. I watched, still clutching the bucket and shaking, as he took my duvet out of its cover. Once the two parts were separated, there was no longer the danger of my puke soaking through into the actual duvet.

“I’m gonna run and chuck this is the bath and grab you some water,” Phil rushed, “I’ll be right back, okay.”

I nodded wearily, and watched as Phil left the room, slightly in awe about his levels of energy and enthusiasm right after watching the reappearance of my lunch. True to his word, he was right back, and carrying a mug of water. He returned to his previous spot next to me on the bed and held out the water to me. Both Phil and I knew that I was shaking too much to properly hold the mug, so he held it steady as I took a few sips. His free hand had returned to rubbing my back, which was a comforting action that made me feel a little bit better. I felt like my body had lost the energy to panic, and was slowly calming down.

It seemed like Phil sensed this, because he paused the back rubbing and made sure I was done with the bucket, before lifting it from my hands. He placed it down on the floor and invited me into his lap.

Sitting in the basket made by Phil’s crossed legs, with his arms loosely slung around me, I felt safe. I was still coming down from my panic attack, though I felt a lot better now that I wasn’t having to go through this alone.

I slightly lost track of how long I spent sitting in Phil’s lap, still shaking and sobbing slightly out of shock. Phil kept us in our own little world, telling me everything was going to be okay and that I was safe, and not mentioning anything big and scary going on in the outside world.

I jumped out of my skin when my phone rang, blaring out its ringtone from somewhere underneath us. We both turned our attention to looking for it, to see who was phoning me.

Phil pulled the phone out and looked at the screen, “It’s Adam; want me to answer?”

“Yeah,” Dan said shakily, “See if there’s anything wrong; if there is I’ll speak to him but help him if you can.”

“Hi Adam, it’s Phil,” Phil greeted him.

“Yeah, Dan is here, is something wrong?” he enquired.

“On speaker? Yeah, that’s fine, but I just want you to know that Dan’s just had a panic attack, so he’s a bit tired,” Phil explained

“No, no, it’s okay, we’re here to help you,” he rushed.

Phil turned to me and mumbled, “I think something’s not quite right, he’s suggesting putting him on speaker so we can all talk.”

“Okay,”  I nodded, knowing I had to put my brother’s mental health over my own unjustified anxiety.

Phil tapped the button and then told Adam he was now on speaker.

“Hi Dan,” Adam said, “I’m sorry for calling when you’re not feeling too great, but I think he’s out of the hospital and I’m scared because he’s not in safe hands now and he’s been faking getting better so he could get out and he’s not better and he’s still having suicidal thoughts and I’ve tried my best to send him like brain messages, but I don’t think it’s working and I don’t know what to do.”

“I know it’s near impossible, but try your best to stay calm,” Phil advised him, “I honestly don’t think there’s much else you can do.”

“I… I can’t do this,” Adam stuttered, “Like I can’t keep on living if he goes. Even though I haven’t met him, he’s such a big part of my life.”

“Don’t think like that,” I said, “Can you see where he is at the moment?”

“Asleep, I think at home,” Adam said, “Like he’s been really tired in the hospital, so I’m guessing he’ll need to build up the energy before he can try again.”

“Are you still in school?” Phil said, after glancing up at the clock.

“No, I haven’t been in all week,” Adam told us, “I can’t do it. I can’t face everyone.”

“Are mum or dad at home?” I asked, thinking that he should really have some company.

“No, they’re both out at work. I insisted I just needed some alone time and they left me to it,” he told us.

“Alright, I’m gonna call mum,” I told him, “I get you might not want it, but I want someone to be there with you, okay.”

“Phil, can I borrow your phone?” I asked, turning to him.

Phil nodded, handing me his phone. I dialled my mum’s number and hoped that she would pick up.

“Hello, who’s this?” she answered puzzledly.

“It’s Dan,” I told her, “I’m on Phil’s phone.”

“Hi Dan, is something wrong?” she asked.

“Not really, well maybe slightly,” I said, “We’ve got Adam on the line on my phone. He thinks his soulmate is out of hospital now, but he’s really scared because he knows he’s not better. If you can get out of work, I think it would be good for him to have someone else there.”

“Okay, sure thing,” she said, “I’ll go and speak to my supervisor and be on my way, tell him I’m coming.”

“Okay, I will,” I nodded, “Thank you, there’s not much I can do from up here other than just speak to him.”

“She’s on her way,” I told Adam.

“Thanks,” he said, and in the brief few moments I had been on the phone, he had started to cry. Despite him trying to cover it up, I could hear the sobs through the phone, and it tore my heart in two. My own anxiety was left behind in my concern for my brother. All I wanted was to teleport down there to be with him, but I couldn’t. I felt my own eyes welling up at the thought of him going through this alone, but I pushed the tears away. I needed to be strong for him.

“I don’t even have any idea where he lives,” Adam blurted, “He’s in England, I know that, but I have no idea if he’s down here or up there or somewhere inbetween.”

“Adam,” Phil said calmly, “Do the accents sound more like me or Dan?”

“Uhhh…” he said thoughtfully, “You. Why?”

“He’s probably Northern then. Like up more towards where we are,” Phil explained, “Your southern accents sound different.”

“How the fuck have I never thought about that?” Adam said, almost angrily, then starting to cry sob uncontrollably, “I’ve got even less chance of finding him in time then.”

“Adam, don’t give up,” I told him, “Remember, you’re literally destined to find him. I think with a bond the strength of yours, something like this should not be able to break it. He could very well go down south for a weekend and there’s your opportunity. Or you could come up here and happen to bump into him.”

“D-d-do you think I could come up there?” he asked nervously, “Maybe I’ll see something familiar or get a feeling or something.”

“Yeah of course, but you’ll need to wait until February,” I told him, “We’re moving into a bigger flat, which has more space for the two of us, and a spare room. We were thinking of inviting you anyway.”

“That’s good,” he said, “What if it’s too late though?”

“Have hope,” I told him, “The rest of this month isn’t going to be easy for any of us, but we can pull through. Phil was ill earlier in the week and he’s still not right. I’d just been put on a new anxiety medicine which barely worked, and currently I’m on nothing before I go back onto my old one tomorrow. I’m a mess, I threw up on my own duvet twenty minutes ago, having a panic attack. Phil has had to cancel work for this evening because I’m not mentally stable enough to be on my own. We’ve all got our struggles, but it’ll be okay.”

Adam sniffed, “I know you know nothing about him, or what he looks like, but keep an eye out for him. Like if you see a teenage guy who looks like he’s having dark thoughts or is on the verge of suicide, help him. Even if you don’t see anyone or you do but it’s not him, just keep an eye out, okay?”

“Okay,” I told him, “We’ll keep an eye out for you.”

There were a few moments silence, before another thought fluttered into my mind, “Has mum booked you an appointment with a therapist yet?”

“Yeah,” he said, “It’s not for a few days though, they were busy.”

“Ahh that’s good,” I said, “Do your best to talk to them about everything. It’ll help, and I’m sure they’ll help you as much as they can.”

“Thanks, I’ll do my best,” Adam said, “I really hope they can give me like a clue how to find him faster or something.”

“I hope they can,” Phil agreed with him, “It was difficult enough for me, knowing Dan needed help, before I met him. I wish you didn’t have to go through this.”

“Me too,” Adam said, “Some days I just wish I could go myself, and not have to deal with this any more.”

I gasped at his words, taking a sharp breath that hurt my already tired lungs. Knowing he’d been thinking about it too, made me realise just how bad the situation was. They were probably feeding each other’s negativity.

“Adam,” I said, “You need to do your best to not think about that, okay. He’ll know what you’re thinking and that’s not going to help.”

“I know, but I just can’t help it,” Adam cried.

I felt myself welling up again, and my throat was too tight to speak. Phil brought his hand onto my chest, rubbing his thumb in a comforting action and encouraging me to lean back against him.

“Adam, I’ve seen how hard it can be, but you need to believe in yourself. I believe in you,” Phil said, “You can get through this.”

Phil continued to say positive things to Adam for a while, but I was struggling. As my energy returned, I felt more panicky, but this time only really with worries about Adam. Phil continued to hold me, and rub my back. I felt helpless, knowing that he was somehow trying to manage me and Adam at the same time, and I was doing nothing.

Eventually, my mum arrived back and Adam was no longer alone. We heard her knock at Adam’s bedroom and her voice asking, “Adam? Adam, can I come in?”

“Yeah okay,” Adam had replied, his voice rough with emotion.

From there on, it was just Adam and our mum talking, while me and Phil listened on.

“My baby… are you okay?” she asked.

“Uhh kinda… Dan and Phil have been talking to me,” Adam said, sniffing, “I needed to talk to someone and Dan seemed like my best bet.”

“C’mere,” my mum’s voice said, and there was some shuffling followed by Adam sniffing a few more times.

There was a long period where neither of them spoke, interrupted only by the odd sniff, then eventually Adam blowing his nose.

“I flicked on the kettle for some tea on my way past,” she said to Adam, “I’m going to make you a cup; I’ll bring it up in a minute or two.”

“Is Dan still on the phone?” she asked suddenly, “Can I speak to him?”

Adam replied with a ‘yep’, followed by some rustling, presumably as he passed the phone to our mum.

“Hi Dan,” she greeted me, “Are you doing okay?”

“Umm… I guess,” I said, unsure how to explain my current situation, “At this particular time, I’m not feeling my best, but it’ll pass.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, concernedly.

“I, well you know that medicine I was on for anxiety - the doctor decided to change it for a different one a few days ago and the new one didn’t really work so I’m having to switch back and to do that I need to have a day where I take neither of them and that’s today, and yeah, I’m like not too great, but Phil’s helping me through it,” I explained, struggling a little to explain it in a way that made sense.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how can your anxiety be helped?” she asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“Umm, Phil can help me do breathing exercises to help me calm myself down. He’ll often sit with me and rub my back or give me a hug or something. It makes a difference having him there to tell me that it’s okay,” I explained.

“Yeah, often I’ll get him a drink of water, hold his hand, get him a bucket if it’s really bad and he’s feeling sick, but that doesn’t happen too often,” Phil added.

“Phi-ill,” I groaned at him mentioning that.

“Is that what you’ve been doing today then?” she asked.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I told her, “I was just coming down from a panic attack when Adam phoned. I’m a little scared about the move, but it’s nothing; i’m just vulnerable today. As Phil so kindly mentioned, it sometimes makes me sick. That happened less than an hour ago, and well I’m okay now, but I’m still a little shaky and everything.”

“Okay, sounds like I should let you get some peace,” she said, “I hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks,” I replied, “I know it’s the middle of the afternoon, but I think I’m going to take a nap.”

Phil and I said our goodbyes and hung up, Phil also adding to text us with how Adam was doing. We were both concerned, and it would ease both of our minds to get updates from our mum.

Once we’d hung up the phone, Phil curled around me in a tighter hug, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly, “I’m so worried about him and it hurts to know there’s nothing I can do. I think I’m still having a panic attack on the inside.”

“Okay,” Phil said calmly, “We’re going to lie down. Keep breathing as slow as you can. I’m going to stay right here with you the whole time, but see if sleep’ll come to you.”

I followed Phil’s lead and lay down with him, allowing him to pull me into his arms and cover us in his duvet. As I tried to lay still, I noticed just how much my body was trembling.

“Deep breaths babe, nice and slow,” Phil said, running his hand up and down my chest at a slow pace.

At first I thought I was shaking too much for sleep to find me, but eventually the exhaustion took over, and I found myself starting to drift off. I nuzzled further into Phil and let myself give in to the sleep.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

I stayed with Dan as he slept, holding him in my arms, his trembling body needing some respite. I would fulfil my promise to stay here with him, so if he woke up, I was still close by his side. As Dan got deeper into his sleep, his shaking slowly reduced to nothing; however, I still wasn’t going to leave him. I lay next to him, organising my ‘to do’ list on my phone, and attempting to figure out how we would pack up everything for the move. There was no doubt it was going to be difficult, but my parents and brother had already offered to give us a hand.

I was going to let Dan sleep until dinner time, when he’d hopefully be up for eating something, even if it was just a slice of toast or a piece of fruit. Eventually I did have to get up and leave him alone, as I needed the bathroom. While I was up I decided to sort out his duvet cover and get it in the washing machine. I was glad to find he was still asleep when I returned, and had not noticed my absence.

I was called away from Dan a second time by my phone ringing; I grabbed it and hurried out of the room quickly, in hope that it wouldn’t disturb him. I took it to the lounge, and seeing as it was my boss, I decided I’d better answer it.

I lifted my phone to the ear, and greeted him, before listening to see what he had to say, “I know you’ve already organised Chris to take your shift for tonight, but are your plans something you could pull out of, because we are very short staffed for the second shift? I’ll give you thirty percent extra pay for tonight if you do.”

“It’s not that I have plans, it’s that I can’t leave Dan alone today,” I explained, “He’s going through a change in medication and has very high anxiety levels at the moment… I’m sorry, I would help out if I could.”

“Okayyy,” my boss said slowly, “I’ll see if I can find someone else, but tonight’s going to be a bit of a struggle.”

“I hope you do,” I told him, saying goodbye before ending the call.

As it got towards dinner time, I went to wake Dan up. I sat down on the bed next to him, and gave him a gentle shake, kissing him on the cheek, “C’mon Dan, time to get up.”

Dan let out a groan and rolled towards me, “Wh-wha…”

“Yeah, it’s almost dinner time, come on,” I said encouragingly, “What do you want?”

“Nothing,” Dan mumbled, burying his face in the pillow, “I still don’t feel good. Can I not just go back to sleep?”

“Just a slice of toast or something?” I suggested, “I’d let you sleep, but you won’t sleep through till morning if I do.”

Eventually, I managed to con Dan out of bed, and along to the kitchen. I put some toast on for him, and shoved a ready meal spaghetti bolognaise out the freezer in the microwave for myself. I’d originally planned to have a bacon roll, but Dan put me off the idea, telling me he felt like he’d throw up if he as much as smelt the bacon cooking. It certainly did have quite a strong smell.

Dan ate his slice of toast and half a banana, but left it at that, informing me that he felt too nauseous to continue. I cleared up the dishes and went through to the living room with him, where we relaxed on the sofa for a while. Dan never really felt much better, so we put a film on instead of doing anything productive. I was enjoying Dan’s choice of film, but he wasn’t so much.

About halfway into the film he sank his head into his hands and let out a groan, “Phil, can you turn it off?”

I pressed the pause button on the remote and shuffled a little closer to Dan, “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry just got a headache,” he explained quietly, “It’s been building through the film and I can’t cope anymore.”

“Hold on,” I said, putting the TV on to standby and hopping up to switch the lights off in the room.

“How bad is it?” I said, keeping my voice quiet, once I’d returned to his side.

“I feel like my skull is gonna split in half or something. I don’t think I can handle getting up,” he told me.

“I’ll give you a hand through to our room and you can have a proper lie down in the dark,” I told him.

I gave Dan a hand up from the sofa, and ended up half-carrying him all the way to our bedroom. I set him down on the bed, and sat at the other side as he attempted to get comfortable.

“Phil, I’m not meant to take anything today, but could you get me some paracetamol please?” Dan asked, sounding desperate.

“Sure, hold on,” I told him, hurrying off to get them.

I knew Dan wouldn’t have given into the rule of no medicine if it hadn’t been really bad, so I rushed to get it for him, getting a cup of water from the kitchen on the way back. Dan took the tablets and lay back down, possibly looking more miserable than he had all day.

“I completely get if you just want to sleep,” I told him quietly, “Like I’ll let you sleep through ‘til tomorrow and things’ll be better then.”

“Sounds good,” Dan mumbled to me, “If this headache actually goes then maybe I’ll manage.”

“If you get to sleep, I might go to the lounge and make a start on packing some boxes,” I told him, “But I won’t be far away.”

I took Dan’s hand and sat with him quietly to give him some peace. Now and then the silence was interrupted by the odd pained grunt, but eventually Dan managed to fall asleep.

I did as I’d suggested, and made a start on our packing, filling up two boxes with DVDs. This took me longer than you might expect, because I was making sure that each DVD was in it’s own case. I didn’t want to cart all of my disorganised mess to the new place.

When I joined Dan in bed, he was still fast asleep, and didn’t stir as I climbed in. He’d slept a lot today, but he needed it. I hoped with all my heart that tomorrow would be better for Dan. It would certainly be hard to drop below the standards of today.


	15. Branches

**Phil’s POV:**

Over the next few days, in the lead up to the move, Dan returned to his previous anxiety medicine and it was taking effect. Despite still being nervous, he was no longer quite so anxious about the prospect of change as we moved house. On the other hand, I still wasn’t feeling my best, but it was probably just the stress of moving piling up on me.

I did my best to keep things to a routine, making sure we had our meals at the right times and didn’t go to bed too late. It wouldn’t be good for either of us to stray from that path; my physical and Dan’s mental health needed to be as good as they could be.

My random spells of nausea and stomach pain were still around, but it generally seemed to be more of an issue after breakfast. I couldn’t put it down to something I was eating, because I tried changing cereal one day, not having cereal another, not having coffee a third, but it didn’t seem to make much difference.

The morning of the day before the move, as I was curled up on the sofa with a bottle of water and some medicine, Dan had sat next to me and brought it up again.

“Phil, you’re clearly not well; please will you go to the doctor’s?” He had asked me, giving me a comforting hug.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just the stress of moving house,” I’d told him, “Like I’m all out of ideas as to what else it could be.”

“I’m just worried it could be something more serious, but I hope you’re right,” Dan had said, “Tell you what, if you’re still not feeling good once we’ve moved, you’re definitely going to the doctor’s, okay?”

“Okay,” I’d nodded, convinced that that wouldn’t be an issue because I’d be better by then.

That night as we lay in bed, we both held each other, both struggling with the concept that it was our last night in the place we’d both grown to call home. We were both on the verge of tears in stress, so much so that there was not a lot we could do to help the other.

We clung on tight to each other until the morning, where we were found up bright and early, packing our last few boxes as we waited for the removal can to arrive. My parents came over to lend us a hand, and eventually we set off to the new place with my car, my parents car and the removal van full of all of our stuff.

It wasn’t our first time unlocking the new place - Dan and I had been in to do a tiny bit of decorating - but it was strange all the same, knowing that this would be  _our front door_  for the foreseeable future.

Having just carried the boxes down eight flights of stairs at the old place, we now had to carry them up four. A lift would’ve been a handy feature, but I knew we would cope fine with being on the second floor in the long run.

We emptied the removal van first, distributing the furniture to the rooms they should be in: mattress in the bedroom, the sofa in the living room and dining table and chairs to the living room too. Most of the van was an assortment of furniture but there were a number of boxes in there too; the pots and pans box went to the kitchen, the cleaning products to the bathroom.

Once we had the removal van emptied, it left and we got on with the stuff from the two cars. It became a very long morning of heaving boxes up the stairs, and we were all looking forward to taking a break for lunch.

I’d decided not to have breakfast in the morning, in the hope that I might not feel ill. While it seemed to have made a difference at the time, I now felt like I was going to pass out. I was stumbling up the stairs with a box of DVDs while Dan was on his way down to get the next item. In a moment of dizziness, I’d laid the box down on the stairs and sat down next to it.

“Phil, you okay?” Dan said, crouching down next to me.

“I feel a bit lightheaded,” I told him, “I think I need to eat something.”

“Let’s get you upstairs,” Dan said, “Leave the box here; I’ll ask one of your parents to get it.”

I felt Dan put an arm around me and help me to my feet, but everything was a bit out of focus and swaying slightly. I was vaguely aware of stumbling up the rest of the stairs and into out flat, and the next thing I knew I was on the sofa.

Dan was quickly by my side holding a packet of crisps, a chocolate cake bar and a bowl of water, “I think we’ve only got the snacks box up so far and I can’t find any glasses.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the water from him gratefully, “And it’s fine.”

I drank up the water, ate some of the food, and gradually felt a little better and became a little more aware of my surroundings. My mum was sitting across from me on one of the dining chairs, looking a little concerned.

“I feel a bit better,” I told them, genuinely expressing my feelings.

“That’s good,” Dan said, “You’re to take some time off moving things though. Your parents are going to make some lunch soon, but your dad’s gone to get the food and cutlery from the car.”

My mum nodded, “Yeah, Dan said you thought you needed to eat and that seems to have helped, but we should all have something to eat; it’s been a long morning.”

I nodded and curled up a little at Dan’s side, now taking in the sight of our living room properly, there was furniture and boxes everywhere, but it was still the pretty, bright room that we’d viewed. After a couple of minutes, my dad appeared, carrying a box and a cool bag into the kitchen.

“That’ll be the food,” my mum told us, “I’m going to get some lunch sorted; you two stay there.”

I was able to watch my parents progress with the lunch through the archway that led into the kitchen. However, more of my focus was on the way Dan was now wrapping his arms around me protectively.

“Phil, honestly, do you think you’re lightheadedness was at all connected to how you’ve been feeling ill this past week?” Dan asked me, keeping quiet so my parents wouldn’t hear the conversation.

“Uhhh…” I hesitating, wondering whether I just told him the truth that I didn’t eat anything this morning, “You know how I’ve been feeling ill more after eating breakfast? I didn’t want to feel like that today so I just didn’t eat breakfast.”

“Phi-il,” Dan said, sounding disapproving and sympathetic at the same time, “C’mon, you’re the one who’s always telling me how important it is to eat. You need to eat too. We would’ve just let you rest if you’d been feeling sick.”

“Mmm, sorry,” I said, “I just didn’t to feel useless. I hate this, feeling sick all the time.”

“Let’s hope it was just the moving stress and that you’ll be back to normal in a day or two,” Dan said, “Are you good with having sandwiches for lunch? I think that’s what your parents are making.”

“That’s fine,” I nodded, “Just hopefully they won’t make me feel bad because I don’t want my parents to get worried.”

“Yeah, let’s hope you’re okay,” Dan agreed, “But if you start to feel at all unwell, let me know and I’ll deal with it.”

My mum brought through plates of sandwiches, and my dad followed with a tray with four glasses of water. I could really do with a coffee instead, but I’d wait until they handed it all out. Once I had my plate on my knee, and glass of water in my hand, I laid them to the side and got up.

“Phil, where are you going?” Dan asked, sounding a tad concerned.

“Only to make a coffee,” I told him, “Why, do you want one?”

“I’ll do it,” Dan said softly, getting up and gently pushing me back onto the sofa.

Dan wandered towards the kitchen, and I watched him from a distance, feeling thankful that he was doing it for me as I think I’d stood up a little too fast.

A couple of minutes later, Dan poked his head around the archway, “Uhh, Phil, we’re out of milk.”

“That’s fine, I’ll take it black, I just need the caffeine,” I told him.

Dan turned back into the kitchen and I noticed a guilty look on my dad’s face.

“Did you finish it?” I asked, chuckling at his expression.

“Yeah,” he said, “I wouldn’t have if I’d realised you didn’t have any more, though.”

“It’s fine,” I laughed, “For all you knew there could be some in our box of shoes.”

Dan came back through carrying two coffees, handed one to me and sat down with the other, taking a sip.

“Uhh, Dan, are you sure about having caffeine,” I asked him.

“I’ll be fine,” I said, “I think my energy levels are probably low enough that I won’t overreact to it.”

“If you’re sure,” I said, being too tired myself to fight him on it.

We ate our sandwiches, drank our coffee, and then got back to work. There were still a few journeys worth of boxes in both mine and my parents cars. This time I felt fine as I got up from the sofa, but I made an effort to make all my journeys up and down the stairs with Dan. I was pleased to find that I felt fine after eating my lunch, and I didn’t have nausea and a sore stomach to keep me from what I was meant to be doing.

We were starting to struggle when we got to the last few boxes. We were both tired and Dan seemed to be a bit shaky. Once we got the last box over the threshold, I guided him through to the privacy of our bedroom and sat him down on the mattress.

“Dan you’re shaking; has something triggered you or was it just the coffee?” I asked him.

“I don’t know, it could be the coffee, but I think I’m just really tired,” he told me.

“Do you want to take some deep breaths and have a little lie-down?” I asked him, “I’m going to go and tell my parents that we’re not going back for any more boxes today.”

“Y-yeah, okay,” he said, moving away from me and laying down on his side.

“Have you got your relief tablets if you need them?” I asked him.

“Yup, they’re in my coat,” he told me, patting his pocket.

“Okay, I’ll be back asap,” I told him, giving him a kiss on the cheek before I left.

My parents were in the living room, moving some boxes to the kitchen and others to the spare room. I had given them a little guidance as to what we wanted roughly where, and they were getting on with moving things about.

“Hey,” I said, making my presence known, “Just to say, I don’t think we’re going back for any more boxes today. Dan and I are really tired and I think we just need to take it easy. So you two can go home and get some rest too.”

I agreed with them that we would meet at our old place at half-ten tomorrow morning. It may have seemed slightly unlikely with the times we usually got up, but I was predicting we would both be asleep ridiculously early tonight. On their way out, my mum insisted that she must say goodbye to Dan. I tried to tell her that he was trying to have a little peace and quiet, but she wouldn’t hear any of it, insisting that she couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye to her “future son-in-law”.

I told her to wait outside, knocked, and let myself into our room. Dan was still how I left him, laying on the bed and shaking a little.

“My mum wants to come in and say goodbye,” I told him, “Are you okay for that?”

“I d-don’t know,” Dan stuttered, sniffling, “I feel more panicky now and I don’t want to feel j-judged. I think I should take m-my medicine but I’ll need some water.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t judge you, but that’s fine, I’ll tell her you’re not feeling up to it,”  I told him, “I’ll be back with some water.”

I stepped out into the hallway, and shut the door behind me. My mum may have caught a glimpse of Dan, but that wasn’t something I could help.

“He’s not really feeling up to it,” I told her, “Don’t take any offence, he’s tired and anxious and probably shouldn’t have drunk that coffee earlier.”

“Alright,” she said, “Give him our best wishes and make sure that both of you are well rested for tomorrow.”

“I will, thanks,” I said to her, letting her and my dad out of the door and locking it behind them.

Once my parents were gone, I fetched Dan a glass of water sat with him for a while after he took his medication. Despite us not having built the new bed frame, the mattress was comfortable and the room felt warm and homely. Neither of us particularly had the energy to do anything productive, so we sat there until eventually one of us had to get up to use the bathroom.

We began to put some things away in the kitchen, in my opinion one of the top priorities. However, soon we realised that a box of our utensils and half of our crockery was still at the old flat. Cooking dinner could be a challenge. In mentioning this to Dan, he found a solution to the problem, “Why not just order take-out?”

This suggestion was a strange one coming from Dan, usually the epitome of healthy eating, so I let him choose where we got it from. He ended up choosing some vegan place I’d never heard of, but Dan insisted he used to get food from it quite often, and that it was really nice. Where Dan chose a kale, parsnip and pomegranate salad, I opted for probably the most unhealthy option on the menu, vegetable stir fry.

I enjoyed the food when it came; Dan was right to recommend it. I still had a nervous niggle that maybe I would feel ill after eating it, but I’d been fine all day, so it probably was just being stressed about moving.

In the evening, we took a bath together in our new bath. We both felt the need to let our muscles relax after a long day of going up and down stairs and carrying heavy boxes, and doing this together was the perfect sort of intimate moment when we were too tired for anything more.

In some honest words we shared, Dan told me that although he still felt nervous about this being a new place, he felt at home because he was with me. That made my heart swell with happiness, and my love for him grow a little more.

In the depths of my head, a thought struck me that my love for Dan was like a tree, constantly growing, with lots of branches, all the different pieces of Dan that I loved so much. I shared this analogy with him. He laughed at it, but the smile in his face told me that deep down he liked the idea that my tired brain had shared.

Out of the bath and into the bed, we snuggled up in our usual mass of blankets and duvets, which fortunately we had remembered to bring. I was exhausted, but I felt okay, positive that things were going to be better from here on out. Dan and I shared a few sleepy kisses, before settling down, limbs loosely interlocked as we gave in to our exhaustion.

–

The next morning brought with it another day of hard work. Dan and I had never sorted out our lack of milk, so we started our day with dry cereal and black coffee. It wasn’t the best breakfast, but I would say it wasn’t too bad for the current level of disorganisation in our flat.

We met my parents and my brother at the old flat, where they helped us to load the last of the stuff into the cars. We were then faced with the task of lugging all the stuff back up the stairs; I was super glad we weren’t on the fourth floor again.

After an exhausting morning, we had all of the stuff in our new flat and my family were now sprawled, exhausted, on our sofas. After lunch, which me consisted of some crisps and some random ham from the fridge - we were getting low on food - my parents pulled out a surprise.

I think it had been a bit of a last minute thought, but my parents had brought a cheesecake, specifically a white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake. I’m pretty sure this would’ve been a lovely surprise, if it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t like cheesecake. I think it came with my dislike for cheese, or maybe the slightly sickening sweetness that sometimes left me feeling a bit nauseous.

I reminded my parents of this fact as they began to slice it up; despite having lived with them for most of my life, they still couldn’t remember the specifics of my tastes.

“Dan, d’you want a bit?” my mum asked him, sounding a little cautious.

Dan looked thoughtful for a second, “Uhh… I’ll try a small bit.”

My mum cut the cheesecake into four pieces, three bigger and one smaller. It was a pretty small cheesecake, so Dan’s piece looked okay for size. I felt a little nervous for him eating it; it was good for him to try things, but he hadn’t really been eating many desserts. I couldn’t help but think that maybe this was something we should be re-introducing him to gradually. I could be helping him with this in private, rather than while being watched by my family.

Dan took the cheesecake, looking unfazed. I was ready to remind him that he should stop if it got too much, but I didn’t want to ruin his confidence. Maybe this would be good for him.

The conversation carried on as the cheesecake was being eaten, and I found myself talking more. From what I could tell, Dan was enjoying the cheesecake, so a little of the worry lifted from my shoulders. He was maybe about halfway through the slice when he laid the plate down on the floor and picked up his glass of water.

“I don’t think I can eat any more of that,” Dan murmured to me, taking a big gulp of his water.

“You feeling alright?” I asked him, picking up on his slight anxious demeanour.

Dan took another sip of water and a couple of deep breaths before replying, “Not really. I-”

An expression of discomfort crossed his face and he looked like he was going to be sick. I think we both had the same idea at the same time, standing up and hurrying towards the bathroom together. I made no explanation to my family about where we were going, but I had no doubt they’d have figured it out. Dan went for the bathroom just off the hallway, and sat in front of the toilet, taking laboured breaths.

“Do you want me to try and find some medicine?” I asked Dan.

He shook his head and then rested it on the toilet seat. I crouched down next to him and placed my hand gently on his back. I could feel him shaking a little and his back shuddering as he breathed.

“Cheesecake makes me feel sick but I thought it was just the cheese; I should’ve said something,” I said to him.

“Just too much sugar I think,” Dan mumbled.

“Okay,” I nodded, “You think you’re going to be sick then?”

“Mmm yeah,” Dan mumbled into the toilet.

I rubbed his back, trying to comfort him a little despite not really being able to help. We stayed quiet for a minute or so, the only sounds being Dan’s breathing. I could hear my family talking in the living room.

_Do you think we should go and check on them?_

_I would give them some time; I think Phil knows what he’s doing_

I stopped eavesdropping as Dan started to throw up, returning my full attention to him. I let Dan finish, or at least get the first lot out of the way, before getting up to flush the toilet.

I glanced down, it was near impossible not to, and something caught my eye.  _Red._

“Dan,” I said, as calmly as I could, trying to get his attention.

Dan was frozen, eyes staring blankly into the toilet, his body shaking ever-so-slightly. He looked a bit faint and I was worried he was going to pass out. Would I need to call an ambulance… or wait…. It was just the raspberries from the cheesecake.

“It’s just the raspberries,” I told Dan, the relief probably evident in my voice.

I flushed the toilet and sat back down next to him. I could see that Dan was on the verge of having a panic attack. I loosely wrapped my arms around his middle, and nuzzled my face softly against his back.

“You’re okay,” I told him, “It’s all okay, nothing to worry about.”

Dan took a shaky breath, lifted his head from the toilet seat, and sank back into my embrace. I could hear him focusing on his breathing, so I stayed quiet to let him concentrate. It was good that he wasn’t too far gone to help himself recover.

Eventually, when he was sounding better, he let out a sigh, lowered his head slightly, and relaxed further.

“You okay now?” I asked him, getting some toilet paper and wiping around his mouth.

“Yeah,” He replied tiredly, “I just freaked out a little too because of those raspberries.”

“Do you want to go back through to the lounge, or would you rather go to bed for a bit?” I asked him.

“Let’s go back,” he said, “I could do with that glass of water.”

I got to my feet and gave Dan a hand up. I helped Dan get home cleaned up a little, and then we stepped back out into the hallway. I had put my arm around Dan, and as we made our way along, I felt my mum’s eyes on us.

“Everything okay?” She asked, “Was Dan sick?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, feeling Dan hide his face in my shoulder, “I think it was just a bit sweet or rich and his stomach couldn’t cope. He’s okay now though.”

I sat down on the sofa, and kicked my legs out to the side, gesturing for Dan to sit between them. He picked up his glass of water, sat down, and reclined against me.

I think the rest of my family were ready to get on with some directed unpacking, but Dan had been drained of his energy.

“You want us to help with any unpacking?” Martyn asked, just after I had been thinking about it.

“You could put the DVDs into the DVD shelf if you want,” I suggested, “Try and keep them roughly organised by genre, but it doesn’t matter too much.”

I remained with Dan, thoughtfully running my fingers through his hair, while feeling downright lazy about sitting around while my family did all of the hard work.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” I asked Dan once my family were busy filling the DVD shelf.

“Yeah,” he said, “I don’t feel sick now, but I just feel kinda dead inside, like I don’t think I have the energy to move.”

“If I were to go and get you something to eat, say an apple, do you think you would manage it?” I asked him, “You effectively haven’t eaten lunch, so…”

“I think so,” Dan said, shuffling forwards a little to let me out, “That would be nice.”

Manoeuvring myself out from behind Dan, I got up and headed to the kitchen. If it had been at any other point, I might’ve suggested a banana, but all we had in our fruit bowl were a couple of slightly wrinkly apples. As I’d said, it had been a while since we’d been to the shops.

I took the apple, peeled it and sliced it into pieces; it struck me that it would be easier to eat that way. I had a feeling that it might’ve been something I’d done for Dan when he was really struggling with eating; for some reason that had been my first thought on how to prepare it.

The apple gave Dan a little energy, which was all he needed to get on with some of our unpacking. As the afternoon progressed, things started to look a lot more organised in our flat, and as all of our possessions were unearthed from their boxes, it started to feel an awful lot more like home.

My parents and brother left mid afternoon, giving Dan and I the evening to ourselves. Despite still having things to unpack, we both needed to unwind a little, and together had made a plan for our evening. After another strangely healthy take-out, we cuddled up together and watched a film from our newly-organised collection. I was glad that we had not left setting up the TV until tomorrow, that wouldn’t have been good.

Again, we finished our day by having a bath together. It was quickly becoming one of my favourite things, having some valuable alone time with Dan, in a way that was both intimate and relaxed. The warm water helped us both to unwind from a stressful day. I was no longer suffering from the effects of the stress of moving. Now that we were here, I felt like nothing could go wrong. I felt good, I was invincible, surely nothing could pull me down from this.

Once we were tucked up in bed, or rather, on our mattress, we spoke about what we needed to do next in our new flat. At the top of that list was constructing our new bed frame; the mattress just wasn’t quite the same on its own.

Something I decided to bring up was how I was now feeling better; I hadn’t felt that stomach-churning nausea since the day before we moved.

“You know how I kept feeling ill before the move, well I haven’t felt like that since our last day at the old place, so I think it was just the moving stress,” I told Dan, “I feel a lot less tense now too.”

“That’s great,” Dan said, hugging me a little closer and pressing a kiss to my lips.

“And now that I’m feeling up to it, I would like to take you out to dinner,” I told him, “If you are too, that is? Also, we can think of it as my mini birthday party with you, as my parents aren’t having us until the weekend.”

“That would be great,” Dan said smiling, “I haven’t had a proper meal out in… a while… and I feel like I’m up to it now. Where would we be going? And when?”

“I was thinking about tomorrow; it’s a pity I’ll have work after, but it’s the late shift so we have time,” I told him, “As for where we’re going, I’d like you to have some say in that, like I’m not going to take you for greasy burgers and cheesecake.”

“Okay,” Dan laughed, “How about an Italian? I quite like pasta.”

“That works,” I said cheerily, “We’ll decide which one tomorrow, but I’m looking forward to this.”

“Same,” Dan replied, “Do you know what your parents will be cooking at the weekend? I seem to have missed hearing about that.”

“I don’t actually know,” I told him, “But I’ll find out for you.”

“Are you feeling better now we’ve moved?” I asked Dan, suddenly remembering his panicking about the change, “I know that was when you were on that other anxiety medicine, but you were worried.”

“Yeah,” he said, “I’m good. I’m going to leave it a little longer before looking into jobs though, I don’t think I’m quite ready for that change. I’m gonna wait until we’re properly settled in. My head’s a little clogged up with worrying about Adam too.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, feeling bad that I had forgotten about that, “We kinda promised him we’d invite him up; when should we do that?”

“We could call my parents in the next day or two and see when he can come up,” Dan said, thoughtfully, “Obviously not this weekend, but maybe the one after… although, I think there’s a holiday weekend sometime in February.”

“Yeah, we should get this organised,” I agreed, “And I hope the stars align for them and they get to meet soon; I don’t like the thought of them suffering for much longer.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, struggling to hold back a yawn, “I hope so too… and their bond is strong enough that they should meet at about the age they’re at.”

“We should get some sleep,” I told Dan, adjusting the covers around us to stop a draft which was bothering my left shin.

“Mmhmm,” Dan agreed, nuzzling his face closer to mine and pecking me on the lips, “Goodnight.”

I went to sleep, happily planning our date tomorrow night. We couldn’t exactly do things in the conventional manner with my work hours, but I’m sure Dan would be up for a bit of fun when I got home for the night. With illness and the stress of moving, it had been a while since we’d gone any further than making out, and there was an unspoken mutual sexual tension between us. Cosy baths can only relax you so much.


	16. Not What You Want for Your Birthday

**Phil's POV:**

When the morning arrived, we found another thing for the day’s to-do list. As well as constructing our bed and phoning Dan’s parents, we would also have to go shopping. We’d had no milk for days, and now we were out of bread too. We were almost at the stage of having ice cream for breakfast, but not quite.

We made a trip to Tesco, something that I think Dan and I had only done together once. Usually we used the online ordering system, from the days when the amount of food in the supermarket would be too much for him to cope with. Today, he was feeling up to it, and it would be easier for us to get all of the things we needed without forgetting something.

As we made our way around the shop, I thought about what we would eat for lunch. For days we had been eating the odds and ends we had left in the fridge and freezer, but now we had the opportunity to eat something decent. I’d missed cooking over the last few days, and was excited to get back into the habit of it. I picked up some chicken breasts from the meat aisle, with the intention of coating them, frying them and then using it as a sandwich filler. It would make a change from pre-packaged ham.

We picked up most of the things from our usual weekly shop, and it was just after I had found the KitKats that I noticed Dan spacing out a little.

“You okay?” I asked him, bringing the trolley to a stop next to the Doritos and studying his expression.

“Yeah, this is just a little overwhelming,” he told me, “Too many sweets, too many kinds of potatoes… just…”

“Okay,” I said calmly, “I just need to pick up some new socks and then we can leave.”

I rested one hand on the small of Dan’s back and started to control the trolley with one hand. The excuse of me needing new socks was really just to get him out of the aisles full of food, but now that I thought about it, I realised that I seemed to have lost a number of them recently.

I brought the trolley to a stop in front of the display of socks and picked out a couple of pairs. Dan seemed to be a bit more focused on the world now, so I could tell he was okay, but I thought we should go home. He didn’t seem like he was about to have a panic attack or anything, but then, we never knew.

“Okay, that’s us,” I said, “Anything you’re needing or shall we go to the checkout?”

“I’m good,” Dan said, and started to wander in the direction of the checkouts.

I went ahead of him with the trolley, picked the checkout with the shortest queue, and started to unload the stuff onto the conveyor belt. Dan did help, but he had clearly given me the leading role. I felt a bit like a Dad in the situation, where I was the one speaking to the cashier and loading most of the bags, while Dan was the kid who helped out a little, but mainly stood quietly by the trolley.

However, in Dan helping to pack the bags, there were moments when I was by the trolley and Dan was next to the cashier. She was a lovely lady, who made pleasant small talk and  would slow down to let us keep up. As the last few items came through, I was lifting another full bag into the trolley.

“Do you need another bag?” the lady asked Dan.

When Dan didn’t reply, I looked up from the trolley. Dan seemed to be staring into space and the cashier looked over at him, puzzledly.

“Yes please,” I replied, coming over to stand next to Dan.

I nudged his arm gently to bring him back to earth, while I filled the last bag. Dan noticed my nudge, looked a bit dazed, and then wandered back towards the trolley. I passed him the last bag to put in it, and then got my card out to pay.

“Is your friend okay?” the cashier asked me quietly, “He seems a little out if it.”

“He has anxiety,” I told her, not really knowing what else to say, “I think he just needs to get out of here.”

“Okay,” she nodded, not showing any understanding but smiling and passing me my receipt and vouchers, “On you go.”

I pushed the trolley to the car, with Dan lingering by my side. He wasn’t saying a lot, but then he could be quite a quiet person by nature. I brought the trolley to a stop behind my car, unlocked it, and opened up the boot.

“Can I go and sit in the car while you load it?” Dan asked, his voice sounding a little nervous.

“Yeah sure,” I told Dan, knowing that something wasn’t quite right, but not wanting to ask him in this open environment.

I quickly filled up the boot and parked the trolley, and before long I was climbing into the driver’s seat, next to Dan.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him, once I had the door shut.

“Nothing, I just… there was a moment where I just got freaked out by the amount of food and I’m fine now, I just needed out of there,” he said, stumbling over his words a little.

“Okay,” I nodded, reaching over and taking his hand, which was trembling a little, “Do you want a drink of water or anything?”

“Did we buy some?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said, stretching behind me into the backseat, where I had put one of the six-packs of bottled water.

I brought the packet forwards, opened it and passed Dan a bottle. I put the rest of them back behind me, and looked at Dan, who was taking small sips of the water, but looking relatively calm. I made sure he was good to go, before starting the car and heading back towards home.

–

After putting the shopping away, we started on constructing our bed.  It was relatively simple, but due to its size, it took quite a while. We stopped for our fried chicken sandwiches at lunchtime, and I was grateful for the relaxing break that cooking gave me. We finished the bed after lunch, at about three o’clock.

We both lay down on the now completed bed and had a discussion about our plan for later, with our meal out. We decided on exactly which restaurant we were going to, and I called to book a table. I maybe should’ve booked a little earlier in the day, as we had to go for a time that was a little later than ideal; it just meant that I wouldn’t have time to come home before heading to the restaurant where I worked.

Dan and I were both tired, and we could fit in a little nap before going out, but we had one last thing to do first. Call Dan’s parents and see when Adam could come up.

We sat on the bed, with Dan’s phone between us. He made the call and put the phone on speaker so we could both communicate.

After the initial ‘hello’s and ‘how are you’s, we got down to the question, “Now that we’ve moved house and have a spare room, we were thinking we could have Adam up to stay for a few days. We thought it would be good for him and he seemed to like the idea when we spoke a few days ago. When would be good?”

Dan’s parents discussed for a minute or two, and I even heard Adam’s voice in the background. Shouldn’t he be in school? I guess things weren’t too good for him at the moment.

“Would Monday be too soon?” Dan’s mum asked us, “He could come then and stay for the week? It’s the mid-term this coming weekend so he’ll be off Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Monday anyway, and I think realistically he won’t be in school this Monday or Tuesday.”

Dan and I looked at each other and began to nod slowly, both of us agreeing that that was fine.

“That’s fine,” Dan told them, cheerily, “We’ll get the place organised for then. Give us details of his train when you have them.”

We spoke about a few more technical aspects to his visit, but soon we were ending the call with a promise to speak soon.

Dan let out a sigh of relief, “I’m glad that’s organised.”

I set an alarm on Dan’s phone, then we both lay down for a nap. We’d had a long morning, and we were going to need our energy for later. After our meal, I had work, and we were hoping that we’d have the energy for a little intimate time when I got home. Things had been stressful of late and we both needed the release.

–

Dan’s POV:

When we awoke from our nap, Phil and I agreed to take separate showers, knowing we were both lowkey too horny to be in such a steamy environment together. We took a bathroom each, and each got ourselves ready for our date.

It was strange to think, that after being together for all these months, this was our first time going out to a restaurant together. I was a little bit nervous, but I knew I would be fine with Phil by my side.

We arrived at the restaurant, and were very quickly taken to our table. Phil made small talk with the waiter, and even managed to tell the waiter that he was a waiter himself.

After gandering over the menu for a while, Phil and I decided on what we were going to order. We’d share a starter of garlic bread with mozzarella, each have our own main course: creamy Spaghetti Carbonara for Phil and tomatoey Spaghetti al Forno for myself. Neither of us could drink, with me driving and Phil working, so we each ordered a soft drink; Phil went for a bottle of Coke, while I just asked for some tap water. We wouldn’t have to commit to having pudding until later, which was perfectly fine by me.

The garlic bread was nice, but I restricted myself to one piece and let Phil have the other two. I wanted to be able to eat most of my main course. I’d ordered the smaller ‘Starter Portion’, but I still had a feeling that I was going to struggle.

Phil and I had made the agreement not to talk about anything stressful over dinner. The subjects of house moving, anxiety, illness and my brother’s soulmate issues were all off the cards, unless of course something came up and we had to speak about them.

We spoke about more simple matters, light-hearted conversation that seemed perfect for a date, without making things too serious.

We briefly discussed the weekend, and how the plan was to go to Phil’s parents house on Saturday, have our evening meal, then stay over into Sunday. I again asked Phil if he knew what we’d be eating, but he wasn’t able to tell me much more than the last time.

“My mum says it’s a surprise,” Phil told me, “But she says she kept you in mind, when deciding on it. She won’t tell me, but if you want to speak to her on the phone, she might tell you.”

“I might do that,” I told him, “It’s not that I don’t trust her, I’d just rather know.”

When had finished our main courses, and the dessert menu came around, I made the decision to stop where I was. There was only so much food by body could handle, and I felt I was already a bit too close to that limit. However, I persuaded Phil that he should order a pudding, that I shouldn’t hold him back from having something that he loved.

When Phil’s ice cream sundae arrived, he asked the waiter if we could have a second spoon. I could see Phil was going to offer me a little bit, and I felt that I could accept his offer as long as it wasn’t too much. Phil did offer me some ice cream, and while I didn’t have a lot,  I did enjoy my little sample.

We finished the meal off with a coffee, or rather a latte for Phil and a hot chocolate for myself. I wasn’t going to risk having any coffee induced anxiety to put a downer on our night, I’d have to make do with the energy from our nap.

Phil paid the bill, giving the waiter a tip, and we made our way out of the restaurant, feeling satisfied and full of food. There was a slight anxious feeling in the back of my mind, but I knew what I’d eaten wasn’t particularly unhealthy, and that I was allowed to treat myself from time to time.

Having a little time to spare before Phil’s work, we took a walk around a nearby park together to get some fresh air, a pleasant thing to do after being in warm restaurant full of food smells. Although a little cold, it was peaceful, and just what I needed to ease my mind. Phil and I held hands as we strolled around, and may have partaken in the cheesy romantic fantasy of kissing against a tree next to a stream.

As I drove Phil to his work, I reminded myself that our night wasn’t over yet. We’d have more time together when Phil came home, and we’d made an agreement about what we’d be doing. Obviously, if something changed and one of us was too tired, we’d put it off until the morning, but everything was looking good; Phil and I were well rested and we were looking forward to later on. I could certainly feel the lust in my veins, recently having found myself aroused by the smallest things.

I dropped Phil off at his restaurant, pressing another kiss to his cheek before he got out of the car. I told him I loved him, and reminded that I’d see him in a few hours, when I came to pick him up.

I drove Phil’s car back to our flat, and parked it in our assigned space. I made my way up to the second floor alone and let myself into our flat. I occupied myself with a bit of unpacking and tidying for a while, but I was distracted. I knew what Phil and I were planning when he came back, and I wanted to do a little preparation.

It had been a while since Phil and I did anything in that department, and I knew I would be way too tight to stretch quickly. To make things easier for both of us later on, I was going to get myself prepped a little in advance. After a bit of searching through boxes to find what I was looking for, I eventually made my way to Phil and I’s bedroom, armed with a dildo, some lube and a towel I didn’t mind getting a little messy.

I started with my fingers, coating them liberally in the slippery substance and slowly pushing in and apart. It was a very slow process, as I’d predicted, and it took a while before I found myself feeling comfortable enough to take something bigger. I was humming and hawing about using the dildo, knowing that I did risk getting carried away when I wanted to save myself for later. Eventually I decided that I would go for it, let myself adjust to the stretch, then take it out and leave things there.

I lowered myself onto it, biting my lip as the stretch was a little more than I’d expected. Eventually I bottomed out, and all I wanted to do was start fucking myself on it, but I mustered all my self control and kept still, saving myself for Phil. Another wave of arousal struck me, and I knew I had to take it out and distance myself from the idea. I slowly pulled the toy back out, and lay it to the side on the towel. I took a few deep breaths and stood up from the bed to retrieve my underwear.

I’d just pulled my boxers back up when suddenly my head felt a little fuzzy. I suddenly felt really really anxious and I didn’t know why.

I sank to the floor; I think I may have forgotten how to stand as my mind was elsewhere. After talking a few deep breaths and focusing on what was going on in my head, I realised that I was worrying about Phil.

Was Phil sick?

Phil never got sick though; I hadn’t felt anything through our bond since I was about eight. The more I tried to recall that time, I started to realise that this was how it felt.

So was Phil sick?

I guess we’d never quite got to the bottom of him feeling ill before we moved; maybe it was connected.

Suddenly I realised there was only really one way to figure out if he was okay. I got up, grabbed my phone from the bedside table and called Phil.

As the phone rang, I pulled my t-shirt back on, knowing that I may have to go and pick Phil up if this was what I thought. I froze and paid my utmost attention to the phone when I heard Phil pick up.

“Dan?” Phil answered, his voice sounding rough and a little shaky, almost immediately confirming my suspicions.

“Phil, I felt it; you’ve been sick, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Phil said, his voice trembling and catching in his throat, “I wasn’t feeling good so Chris is taking care of my tables and I came back to the break room and now -”

Phil paused, and over the phone I heard a bit of what sounded like him throwing up. He let out a pained moan and sighed.

“I’m getting ready to come and pick you up,” I told Phil, putting the phone on speaker and putting on a pair of joggies and some shoes.

“T-thanks,” Phil responded, but sounding like he was on the verge of tears.

“Try and keep yourself together for me,” I told him, “Should I bring a bucket?”

A hesitant ‘maybe’ from Phil was all I needed to know that the answer was yes. I kept him on the line so I could hear how he was doing, grabbed the bucket and my keys and made my way down to the car.

I had to end the call to drive there, but I told Phil I’d be there in five minutes. He choked out something about me finding either Chris or his manager and one of them would take me to him.

I made my way to the restaurant as fast as I safely and legally could. I was worried about Phil, and needed to be by his side as quickly as possible. I got hit by a particularly strong wave of worry after turning into the main road, and found myself struggling to pay attention to the road.

I didn’t really want to, but I pulled over to let it pass, knowing that if I kept going, I would be in a lot of danger. I took a couple of deep breaths, feeling a little nauseous myself. It hurt to know that Phil was struggling so much and I couldn’t be there with him.

Once I felt a little calmer, I started the car back up and continued on my way. I felt some relief come over me as I turned into the restaurant car park, knowing that Phil wasn’t far away now.

I pulled into the disabled space right next to the building, because fuck it, Phil was really sick and wouldn’t be up for walking very far.

I leapt out of the car, locked it and headed towards the door, not caring about my horrendously untidy parking. I doubted I’d be here long enough for anyone to complain.

Heading into the restaurant, I spotted Phil’s boss standing by the ‘please wait here to be seated’ sign. I made my way over to him, ready with my question about Phil. He was probably ready for me to enquire about getting a table, but I was about to throw him off his routine.

“Hi, I’m Dan, Phil’s soulmate,” I introduced myself, “Could you take me to him?”

“Yeah, Chris told me he wasn’t feeling too good, so he’s back in the breakroom,” he said, gesturing for me to follow him, “Did he call you?”

“No I called him,” I told him, “I felt it through our bond.”

“From what I heard from Phil, I thought it was just when the other threw up, not just…” he paused, “Oh wait, has he thrown up?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “And more than once. I’m guessing you’ve got a toilet back there?”

“Yeah we do,” he said, looking a little perplexed, “Do you know what’s wrong? Do you think he’s picked up a stomach bug from somewhere? Sorry to sound arrogant but hygiene is very important here.”

“I’m pretty confident this is connected to him being ill last week, and whatever’s wrong, he’s not contagious because I’m absolutely fine,” I told him, “And I completely understand why you’re asking.”

“Okay good,” he said, looking relieved.

“I’m starting to wonder if it’s a food allergy or something,” I explained, as we walked through a door marked ‘staff only’ at the back of the restaurant, “Because he seems to feel ill sometimes after he’s eaten, but he’s been fine for a couple of days. I’m going to take him to the doctor, probably tomorrow unless he’s really bad.”

“Could you find someone else to take his shift tomorrow?” I asked him, “I somehow don’t think he’ll be up for it.”

“Yeah, sure,” Phil’s boss replied, “I’ll get someone organised, can’t have him working like this.”

He pushed open a door, which lead into what was clearly the staff breakroom and cloakroom area. There were coat hooks, lockers, and a number of tables and chairs. At one side of the room, there were two doors labelled as toilets.

I followed the manager across to the door with a mens’ symbol on it. The door creaked open as he pushed it, and he called out Phil’s name, “Phil?”

A rough sounding ‘yeah?’ came from the end cubicle, and I heard Phil shuffling around a little.

“Dan’s here,” he said, “I’d better get back to the front desk, so I’ll leave you two to it. I hope you feel better soon.”

The boss left, and I wandered over to just outside of the toilet door.

“Phil?” I asked timidly, “Do you want to let me in?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute,” Phil replied.

I heard the toilet roll spin round and rip a couple of times, then the toilet flush. Phil then opened the door, whilst still sitting on the floor. I entered the cubicle and crouched down next to him. He was resting his head on the wall next to the toilet, and he looked incredibly pale.

“You’ve been sick, what, three times?” I asked him.

Phil nodded, “I still feel like I’m going to throw up again though.”

I gently rested my hand on Phil’s back, “You can have as long here as you need, but I’ve got a bucket in the car so we can get you home when you’re ready.”

“S-stay a bit longer,” Phil stammered.

“Sure thing,” I said, slowly rubbing my hand up and down his back.

“I think I either ate something bad or something didn’t agree with me,” Phil groaned, rubbing his stomach.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “It might not be, but I think this could be connected to how you felt before we moved. Like I think there’s something you’re eating that you’re maybe allergic to or something.”

“You think?” Phil asked, “But what? I tried not eating some things but it didn’t make a difference.”

“I think we should take you to the Doctor tomorrow and see if we can get the answer to that,” I told him, “But for now I think we should get you home to your own toilet and bed.”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded miserably.

“You want to get up and go then?” I asked him, “D'you think you’ll be able to keep the rest of the contents of your stomach in there until we get outside?”

“Hopefully,” Phil told me, “But can I get a hand up?”

I got up, then helped Phil to his feet. I brought my arms firmly around his waist to steady him, and we walked out into the sink area.

Phil wearily washed his hands, and I splashed some water onto his face, wiping some residue from his chin. After I’d washed and dried my hands, he returned to my side like a lost puppy, tired and barely able to stand on his own.

“You good to go?” I asked Phil, bringing my arm around his shoulders.

“I guess,” he said, “Can we go out the back door though? I don’t want to walk through the restaurant, feeling like this.”

“Sure,” I nodded, “You’ll need to show me the way though.”

Phil and I turned towards the back of the restaurant as we came out the room. We passed a number of doors, one of which was open and led into the kitchen. We hurried past this one as the food smells were a bit much, making Phil retch and clamp a hand over his mouth.

Phil pushed open the back door and hurried outside, bending over next to the wall and holding his stomach and his throat. Despite looking like he was about to, Phil didn’t throw up, and managed to take a few deep breaths and stand up straight again.

I helped Phil over to the car, which was fortunately just about as close as it could be. I opened the passenger door for him and let him get in, before handing him the bucket I’d brought.

“Let’s hope you don’t need that,” I said to him, “But it saves your car getting messy if you do.”

I went around the car and got back into the driver’s seat. I started the car, and started back home. Phil was next to me, clutching the bucket for dear life, looking very uncomfortable. There were a couple of speed bumps on the road into our apartments, which I hadn’t particularly taken any note of before now. I drove carefully over both, but the second one was too much for Phil, resulting in him making use of the bucket after all.

I kept going, pulling into our parking space less than a minute later, where I was finally able to comfort Phil. He wasn’t coping too well, choking out tears and strangled words.

“I feel so ill,” he cried, “Make it stop. I feel sick going over speed bumps at the best of times, but I just…”

“Phil, it’s okay,” I told him, trying to comfort him as he was panicking, “You’re going to be okay. Let’s go upstairs and get you some medicine and some water. We’ll go to the doctors tomorrow. Tonight probably won’t be great, but we’ll get to the bottom of this soon.”

Phil nodded, wiping tears away from his eyes and sniffling a little. I got out of the car and headed round to the other side to help him out. It was scary how my usually strong and happy Phil, was now trembling and in tears. I wish this didn’t have to happen to him. This time it was me helping him up the stairs to our flat, him being the weak one in the situation, the one who needed the support of his soulmate to lean on.

I helped the shaking Phil out of his work clothes and into some pyjamas; my first priority was getting him comfortable, so he didn’t have to get up again in five minutes. I got him to sit down in bed with his bucket while I fetched some medicine. I had to hastily move my things from earlier out of the way, but not without Phil noticing.

“Oh god, you were getting all prepared and everything, I’m sorry,” Phil blurted.

“Yeah, I was,” I admitted, “Don’t worry about it though. You’re ill; I can wait.”

I found the tablets that Phil had sneakily got from the pharmacy, and a bottle of water. I brought them to him, and sat by his side as he took them.

“Hopefully, those will help you feel better,” I said, putting an arm around him and getting ready to stay with him for a while.

His symptoms didn’t seem to be easing much after half an hour, and I made the decision to get him some paracetamol to try and ease the pain. He had adopted a variety of different positions over the last thirty minutes, and his current one was laying on his side, with his arms wrapped around his stomach, a look of intense discomfort on his face.

After Phil took the paracetamol,a thought struck me. Would some food disagreeing with him really put him in this much pain? Could it be something more serious like appendicitis? Or a stomach ulcer like I’d had?

Was there a way I could figure out the difference? Should I take him to hospital? It wasn’t something I wanted to have to do, but then, I didn’t really know what to do.

Phil let out another grunt of pain - the paracetamol was yet to kick in - when a thought crossed my mind. Who would’ve dealt with Phil being ill many more times than I had? His mum.

Despite technically being an adult myself, I was still young, and there were still times I needed help from someone older and more experienced with the things life throws at us. I took Phil’s phone from his bedside table, and informed him that I was going to call his mum. He tried to protest at that, but he didn’t really have the energy to utter anything more than a simple 'no’.

“Hi Phil,” Phil’s mum greeted as she picked up the phone.

“It’s Dan,” I told her.

I don’t know if it was something in the tone of my voice, or whether it was because I was calling rather than Phil, but she immediately noticed that something was up.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“N-not really,” I stuttered, feeling my own panic rising in my throat, “Phil’s really sick and I’ve given him medicine but he doesn’t really seem better, and I’ve just given him paracetamol because his stomach hurts a lot but I’ve just thought, what if it’s something worse and I don’t know if I should take him to hospital or…”

“Dan,” she said, in a soothing motherly voice that made me feel a little better, “Keep doing what you’re doing, I’ll come over and see. I’ll be there in about ten minutes, okay?”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a little less panicky now that I knew an adult who could help was on the way.

I hung up the call to Phil’s mum and returned to Phil’s side, “You’re mum’s coming over. I need someone to confirm I’m doing the right things.”

I took some deep breaths to calm myself down, running my hand through Phil’s soft, fluffy hair. He relaxed a little under my touch, so I kept at it, hoping he would start to feel better soon.

When Phil’s mum arrived, I got up to let her in, and spent a couple of minutes explaining the context of the situation: what Phil ate for dinner, how long ago it is was and how he’d been a bit ill before the move. We even spoke about the specifics such as how many times he’d vomited and whether he was displaying any other symptoms.

“Dan, you go and take a couple of minutes to yourself in the living room,” she suggested, “I’m going to go in and see him, but I want you to try and calm yourself down a little.”

I went to the living room but found myself pacing around, rather than trying to relax and calm down.  _What if it was something really serious and I just hadn’t picked up on it?_  I stopped myself and took a couple of deep breaths.  _He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine._  I tried to tell myself that, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. My throat felt tight, and I was starting to feel the slightly nauseous feeling that sometimes came with an anxiety attack.

I realised that I should take my anxiety relief tablets before things got worse; I had to stay strong for Phil. The only snag was they were in our en-suite bathroom, and getting to them meant interrupting Phil’s mum as she checked up on him.

Steeling myself with the knowledge that this was my house and I could go where I pleased, I pushed open the door and walked into our bedroom. Phil’s mum was sitting on the bed next to him, one hand resting on the lump in the duvet that was his leg.

“Sorry I just need to get my anxiety medication from the bathroom,” I rushed, explaining my intrusion.

I hurried into the bathroom, grabbed the tablets and hurried back through again. I took them to the kitchen, where I steadied myself against the counter as I filled myself a glass of water.

I downed the tablets and a few glugs of water, then forced myself to sit down on one of the sofas in the living room. I felt myself twitching, my anxiety wanting to get up and pace around and panic. I fought against it, trying to regulate my breathing while taking sips of water.

I was still shaking a bit when Phil’s mum came in, and I had adopted a blanket to wear as an extra layer.

“Dan, are you okay?” She asked, “Phil was concerned when you came in to get your…?”

“Anxiety medication,” I finished for her, “I’m fine, I’m just feeling a bit panicky and it’ll stop me getting worse. Is Phil okay? I’m worried and I was finding it difficult not to think the worst.”

“He doesn’t have a temperature, so that rules out a lot of things,” she told me, “I’ve spoken to him about it, and it seems likely that something he ate didn’t like him. I think you should take him to the doctor’s tomorrow and see if they can help figure out what’s happened. As for tonight, I think he’ll be okay; just keep an eye on him. Make sure that he’s breathing okay, because breathing difficulties could mean a serious allergy, but I think that would have sprung up already if it was an issue. If he gets worse, get him to the hospital and phone me, but I think he’s going to be fine.”

I nodded, feeling relief that she thought he was fine. I was still a little anxious, but it was nothing I couldn’t deal with.

“Are you going to be okay?” She asked me, “You don’t want me to stay over for support?”

“I’ll be fine,” I told her, “I just needed someone else’s opinion on what to do. Thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” she said, “Anytime, well hopefully that won’t be needed, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “I’m going to back and see Phil, but do you want a cup of tea or anything?”

“Yeah, tea would be great, but I can help myself,” she told me, “I know you won’t want to leave Phil for too long.”

Thanking her for understanding, I headed for our bedroom. I slowly pushed open the door, and walked over to the bed, where Phil was now sitting up again.

“Hey,” I said to him, “Your mum thinks you’re okay too which is relieving.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I don’t feel it, but I trust her judgement. Are you okay? I was a bit worried when you rushed in for your anxiety stuff.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him, “I was just a bit worried and I could feel it coming and I didn’t want to have an anxiety attack.”

“I’d ask you to come here and I’d give you a hug, but you probably don’t want that as I’m all sick and gross,” Phil commented, laughing slightly.

“I don’t mind,” I said, hopping up onto the bed and sliding across to him, “Though you’re the one who needs the hug.”

I wrapped my arms loosely around Phil, still giving him the freedom to move if he needed to. He didn’t seem to relax particularly as I noticed he was still holding his bucket with a death grip.

“Relax,” I mumbled to him, “Being all tensed up isn’t going to help. Are you feeling any better?”

“I don’t feel so much like I’m going to throw up now,” he told me, “My stomach still feels all wobbly though.”

“Do you think we can put this bucket down then?” I asked him.

“I think so…” he said, a little uncertainly.

“Okay,” I said, taking it from him and lowering it to the floor next to the bed, “Tell me if you feel you need it again; we’ll keep it within reach.”

“Thanks,” Phil sighed, now leaning back against me tiredly.

I returned my arms to their position around Phil, and slid one up his shirt a little to rest on his stomach. I knew a cool hand sometimes made it feel a little better, but I wasn’t going any further, because the likes of a stomach massage would probably make him feel worse.

“What will we do about my birthday and Adam coming?” Phil asked, out of the blue.

“What about them?” I asked, a little confused.

“Like if I’m not better?” Phil explained.

“Your mum knows you’re sick; I’m sure all we’ll need to do is tell her if you’re not up for it,” I said, “And as for Adam; he won’t be coming until Monday and this is only Thursday, so you have plenty time to get better.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Phil agreed.

Phil’s mum suddenly poked her head around the door, “Either of you want tea?”

I looked to Phil first, before answering for myself, “We bought chamomile this morning; it might help your stomach a little?”

“Okay,” Phil nodded.

“Yeah if you could make us each a cup of chamomile tea, that would be great,” I told her, “No milk or anything though.”

Once Phil’s mum was away again, Phil snuggled further into me, “I’m really tired.”

“Yeah, we should get to bed once your mum leaves, I’m getting sleepy from my medicine too,” I admitted.

When Phil’s mum came back with the three cups of tea, we all sat and drank it together, Phil and I cuddled together at the top of the bed, and Phil’s mum sitting on a chair near the bottom. Phil seemed to be nursing his tea happily, it not having any negative effects. In fact, I’d say a little colour was starting to return to his cheeks.

I think Phil’s mum noticed that we were both tired, as, as soon as she’d finished her tea, she was saying that she’d better be off. I got up to let her out and lock up, but as soon as she was gone, I rejoined Phil in bed. We were both exhausted and happy to go to sleep straight away.

However, I had to do a couple of things first; I had to set an alarm for the morning, so that I could call the doctor’s and arrange Phil an appointment before anyone else got in there. I also made sure things were on hand if Phil got sick again in the night. The bucket remained on the floor next to his bed, and I made sure he had a glass of water on his bedside table.

Phil and I laid down, but I waited until he was asleep before letting myself shut my eyes. There was nothing worse than being alone and awake at night when you were ill. I’d been there many times myself, and knew that having someone watching over you was very comforting.

I refrained from holding Phil close, giving him some space in case he needed to get up. I shut my eyes and hoped with all my might that he would feel better tomorrow. 


	17. The Heart of the Problem

**Dan’s POV:**

My alarm woke me bright and early, it’s annoying sound blaring near my ear. I turned it off quickly, feeling thankful that it hadn’t awoken Phil. I could vaguely recall being in a sleepy haze, and him getting up and spending a while in the bathroom. He would need longer to sleep as a result.

Thinking about it, maybe it was just me drifting in and out of consciousness that had made it feel like a long time. After all, things before rather disjointed when you’re half asleep. I’d ask him what happened when he got up. It can’t have been too bad, otherwise he would’ve woken me.

I had a phonecall to make, so I got up from bed and headed to the living room. I tested out my voice first to ensure I hadn’t lost it overnight, before making the call. I was still a little early, but as I’d expected, the staff were in a little before the hour.

Being their first call of the day, the receptionist was able to offer a variety of emergency appointments. Phil’s doctor wasn’t free today, but mine was one of the ones they offered an appointment with, so I picked him. He did a good job whenever I went to see him, so I felt I could trust him with Phil.

The appointment was for ten thirty, so I’d have to get Phil up pretty soon. I wanted to give him time to take it easy, maybe have a shower if he wanted, whatever he needed to do. I returned to our bedroom and gently awoke Phil. He seemed a little bit dazed at first, but I told him about the doctor’s appointment and he slowly started to waken up.

“How’re you feeling?” I asked him, interested what difference a night’s sleep had made.

“I don’t know yet,” he said, “Currently, not too bad, but I haven’t moved yet.”

“Were you in the bathroom for a while in the middle of the night or was that just me being half asleep?” I asked him, feeling that now was the moment to bring this up, “Were you sick again? You should’ve said.”

“Not quite,” Phil said, his cheeks turning a little pink, “Just the other thing that sometimes comes with being sick…you know…”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “It’s okay, and I get it’s embarrassing to talk about. Are you feeling a bit better now though?”

“Yup,” Phil said cheerily, “I guess I should get up though and see how the rest of me feels.”

Phil slowly pulled himself up and rested against the headboard, “I’m going to take things slow, and not get up too quickly.”

After a few minutes of sitting up, Phil got to his feet. I was standing by as a precaution, in case he didn’t feel so good, but he seemed okay.

“Do you want to have a bath or a shower or something?” I asked him, knowing that he probably felt in need of a wash.

“I don’t really have the energy to stand for a shower, so a bath I guess,” Phil said, yawning.

“Okay,” I said, going ahead of him into the bathroom.

I turned on both bath taps, and swirled the water around, adjusting the taps until what was pooling felt like the right temperature. I tipped in a little bubble bath and swirled my hand through it again. Meanwhile, Phil was slowly getting undressed behind me. As the bath was nearing the right level, he was now standing naked, and shivering.

“You want to get in while it’s still running?” I asked, rubbing his goosebumped arms.

Phil nodded and stepped around me into the bath. His shivering stopped a minute or so after he’d sat down, but I kept the water running until it covered his legs and most of his stomach. I grabbed a flannel from the towel rail and tossed it into the water next to Phil. I figured, that as he wasn’t feeling too good, I’d give him a hand and let him relax more. Phil didn’t try to stop me, which he probably would have if he was feeling okay. I used the flannel to wash pretty much all of him, and then set it to the side when I was done.

Phil let out a sigh, “Thanks.”

“We’ve still got plenty of time, so take as long as you need,” I told him.

“I think I’ll get out pretty soon, actually,” Phil responded, “It’s starting to get a bit cold.”

“I can put some more water in?” I suggested.

Phil refused the idea, telling me that he didn’t want to shrivel up ‘like a complete raisin’. When he was ready to get out, I got up to get his towel for the radiator so I could ambush him in a warm hug with it when he got out. Phil sat down on the bathmat while he got dried, and I fetched him some clothes from our bedroom. I figured he’d probably want to be in something comfortable, so a baggy hoodie was in order.

Phil and I headed to the kitchen to get breakfast, but as I sorted myself a bowl of cereal and  a coffee, Phil hung back. I knew that he wouldn’t be up for much, if anything at all, but I was going to encourage him to give something a shot. There’s always that stage in being ill when eating actually makes you feel better rather than worse.

“D’you want to try having something to eat?” I asked him, seeing his hesitancy.

“I don’t know,” like breakfast just seems to have been making me feel worse of recent.

“Right, let’s start with some tea,” I told him, flicking the kettle on, “That seemed to be fine last night. How about a couple of crackers? I find them okay when I’m not feeling too good.”

“Okay, I’ll have one and see,” Phil agreed.

When we both had our breakfast ready, we headed over to eat it at our dining table. Our routine and how we did things had changed a little with our new place, but we were beginning to adjust to things. I know that we sometimes might prefer having a lazy breakfast on the sofa, but we felt that sitting up straight was probably better for digestion, which mattered at times like this.

Phil left it at one cracker, and I respected his decision to not eat any more. I knew all about feeling too sick to eat, so I didn’t force him. The odd missed or small meal didn’t matter, but I’d learnt not to make it a routine.

Phil and I set off for the Doctor’s, me doing the driving and him sitting back and relaxing in the passenger seat. Phil had a bag in his pocket if things went downhill, but he didn’t seem too bad this morning. At least, he wasn’t feeling any worse.

It was weird sitting in the all-too-familiar doctor’s waiting room, but with the appointment being for Phil rather than myself. Phil was noticeably nervous, biting his lip and trembling a little in his seat. I moved my hand over to interlock our fingers and squeezed his hand supportively.

I was aware of a disapproving look from an older man at the other side of the room, but he quickly dropped it when I met his eye. What did he know? Phil could just be my friend who I was supporting through difficult times; we were at the doctor’s after all. It bothered me that there were homophobic people in the world, despite the laws of soulmates telling us that same-sex relationships were completely natural. It worried me that some people could be so homophobic that their children are scared of opening up to them; that was what was happening to Adam’s soulmate after all.

Phil rested his head on my shoulder and brought my mind back to the current situation. He was clearly tired, and I hoped this all went well so he could get home and rest. I turned my head slightly and gently pressed my lips to his forehead, a small action of intimacy, but also a silent ‘fuck you’ to the guy across the room.

I noticed my Doctor walk into the room. His eyes met with mine, and he glanced down at his clipboard in confusion.

“Phil Lester,” he called, after a moment.

Phil got to his feet, and I followed shortly after. As the Doctor saw both of us together, I saw realisation cross his face, “Ahh yes, I didn’t recognise the name at first, but I remember you from when you came in with Dan.”

Once in his room, the doctor pulled out two chairs for us to sit down. It would start as a consultation, but maybe once he’s spoken to Phil, he might examine him.

“So what can I help you with?” he asked, pointing the question at Phil.

“I’ve not been feeling too great recently,” Phil started, “For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been finding myself with a sore stomach after I eat, particularly after breakfast. Dan and I went out for dinner last night, and I spent most of the evening either umm… throwing up, and having a really sore stomach.”

“I was wondering if he was maybe allergic to something, and his mum agreed with me on that,” I told him, “But he hasn’t had rashes or sneezing or anything.”

“Okay,” the doctor nodded, making a couple of notes, “What do you eat last night?”

“Uhh, cheesy garlic bread, spaghetti carbonara and ice cream and a latte,” Phil replied.

“Right, I have an idea of what might be wrong,” the doctor said, “And what do you usually eat for breakfast?”

“A bowl of cereal, sometimes two, and a coffee,” Phil stated simply.

“Both with milk?” the doctor asked.

“Yeah,” Phil nodded blankly.

At the doctor’s mention of milk, I finally got onto the same wavelength as him… It was milk, wasn’t it?

“Okay, I’m not going to run any tests today, but it sounds like you’re lactose intolerant,” the doctor said to Phil, “We’ll set you up with another appointment for a week’s time. In the meantime, I’d like you to do your best to stick to a dairy free diet and see what difference it makes. If you feel completely better, then we have this figured out. If you’re still feeling dreadful in a day or two, come back in and we’ll have a further examination.”

“Does that mean a milk allergy?” Phil asked, “Like I can’t have anything with milk in it.”

“Not quite. Lactose is a sugar found in cow’s milk, and being intolerant to it means you are unable to digest it,” the doctor explains, “You’ll probably find that you can tolerate a certain amount, but what you ate last night was way over that. I’d recommend that you go and buy some lactose free milk, then you can still take your coffee and cereal and things more or less the way you like them.”

“Is there not a blood test you can do or something?” I asked, knowing that there were tests for most of these things, “Just to know for sure.”

“There’s not a blood test, at least in the way you’d imagine. It would require Phil to consume more lactose, which we’re not going to do because he’s already feeling unwell. If avoiding dairy is successful, then we won’t have to do that at all,” the doctor explained.

The doctor brought the appointment to a close, wishing us luck and telling Phil that he was to phone or come back in if he had any concerns. He left the room with us, to take us back to the reception and organise Phil’s follow-up appointment. Now that Phil’s appointment was over, he was free to ask how I was doing.

“How are you doing, Dan?” he asked, “I presume you’ve successfully switched back to your old medicine?”

“Yup, and I’m feeling a lot better as a result,” I told him, “Well, I still feel a bit anxious sometimes, but it’s not like it was.”

“Great,” he said, “And you’re still the eating disorder specialist and the mental health therapist?”

“Yes, but less,” I told him, “I’m down to an appointment every six weeks or so with the ED lady; just check-ups, they think I’m pretty much sorted or whatever, so they’re getting less frequent. As for the mental health, I’m seeing them too when I get a chance; I’ve been busy recently but I find it good to talk to someone other than Phil about my anxiety and body image, etcetera.”

“Sounds like you’re doing not badly then,” he concluded, as we reached the reception desk, “Right Phil, let’s get you an appointment sorted for next week.”

After the receptionist doing a little typing on the computer, she looked up, “How about next friday at two fifteen?”

“That should be fine,” Phil nodded, sounding a little hesitant, because he wasn’t completely sure what we’d be doing.

“Great,” she said, handing Phil a sheet with his appointment time.

Phil looked at the sheet, which showed an appointment with my doctor, the one he’d seen today.

“We’re keeping it with me as it’s a follow up appointment,” the doctor said, “But you’ll be back to your usual doctor next time presuming he’s available.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “I guessed that was the case.”

As Phil and I left, I heard the doctor call out for his next patient. Phil let out a sigh and cuddled up to my side as we walked to the car.

As we stopped at the car, Phil turned into me and put his arms around me. For a second I was confused, until I heard a small sniffle and realised he needed comforting.

“S’okay,” I mumbled to him, bringing my hands up his back to hold him, “I know it’s hard to find this out, but you’re going to be okay.”

Phil’s sniffles turned into full blown sobs, and I could feel us attracting a little attention. Taking one hand off of Phil, I was able to open the door into the back seat.

“Let’s get in the back for the moment,” I said to Phil, giving him an encouraging nudge in the direction of the car.

I piled in close behind Phil, and shut the door after us. As soon as I was seated, he crawled into my lap and rested his head on my shoulder. I brought both my arms around Phil once more, holding him in a tight and loving embrace. For a little while he continued to cry on my shoulder, but it wasn’t long before he managed to pull himself together a little and turn the violent sobs back into soft sniffles.

“I’m sorry,” Phil mumbled, “I… it’s just a lot… I never thought… I love milk too.”

“At least you know what’s wrong now,” I said, rubbing my hand up and down his back, “I know it’ll take you time to adjust to this, but I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” Phil said, sniffing, but sounding a little less sad.

“Do you want to head straight home or stop off to try and find this lactose free milk?” I asked him.

“Can we just go home?” Phil yawned, “I’m tired and we can just order it online later.”

“Yeah, of course,” I said, halting the back-rubbing, “I’ll go and get back in the front and drive us home; do you just want to stay back here?”

“No, I might get carsick if I stay in the back,” he said, “Especially as I’m feeling a bit weak stomached already.”

We got out of the back seat of the car, and into the front. I drove us home, feeling bad that Phil was sad and I couldn’t comfort him, but I had to keep some focus on the road. The stairs up to the flat used up Phil’s last little bit of energy, and he was trailing his feet as we entered our flat. I would’ve carried him, but I didn’t have nearly enough strength to do that.

Phil shed his hoodie and trousers and climbed into bed, without so much as an ‘I’m off for a nap.’ I sat by his side for a few minutes to keep him company as he went off to sleep, but then I got up as I had a list of things to do.

I took my laptop to the living room and loaded up the tesco website. Even if Phil wasn’t all that enthused about it, I was going to get my hands on some lactose free milk for him, as I knew the first time he wanted to have some cereal or a coffee, he would regret his decision.

In searching ‘lactose free’ in the search bar, I learnt that there were a whole host of lactose free products. I selected a few different types of milk for Phil to try: almond milk, goats’ milk, soya milk, and one just labelled as lacto-free.

I also saw lactose free yoghurt, chocolate milk, and a butter-like spread. I added all three of these to the basket, as it would probably take Phil a while to figure out what he could and couldn’t eat, and chocolate milk would surely make him happy. I tried to think of what Phil’s favourite snacks were that didn’t have milk. Popcorn seemed the obvious answer, being his all time favourite food. In looking at the ingredients, I discovered that some varieties seemed to contain milk, so I went for the ones that didn’t. Seven bags of popcorn may have seemed overboard to most, but then they didn’t know Phil. It would certainly cheer him up.

Realising I had a basket full of snack things that wouldn’t make a meal, I added a packet of raw chicken to the basket. We had eaten it yesterday, and I wasn’t quite sure what we’d do with it, but Phil was always full of cooking ideas. I suspected he would be well enough to eat by dinner, and I didn’t know what we had already that would be suitable. I selected the earliest delivery slot I could get, which was a couple of hours from now but would still be in time for lunch.

As I ordered the food delivery, a thought crossed my mind. I still hadn’t spoken to Phil’s mum about what we’d be having for Phil’s birthday dinner. In addition to me wanting to know for the sake of my mental health, I realised that there would likely be an issue with Phil’s newly diagnosed lactose intolerance. There was a fair chance there would be some kind of dairy in the meal, so I should probably let Phil’s mum know.

Remaining in the living room, so as not to wake Phil, I called his mum, with my question prepared. I knew she was going to ask me about how he was feeling, but I was going to put that off until after I’d asked about the food.

The phone rang, Phil’s mum answered, and I barely had the chance to say hello before she started bombarding me with questions about Phil, “How is he? Is he okay? Have you taken him to the doctor’s yet?”

“Yeah, he’s fine, we’ll get to that in a minute,” I interrupted her, “I was calling to ask you about Phil’s birthday dinner; I asked him what you’ll be cooking, but he didn’t know because it’s a secret. Could you tell me? Sorry it’s just I’d rather know if…”

“Of course that’s fine, just don’t tell Phil,” she cut me off, “It’s creamy chicken and asparagus pie. That’s okay, right? It’s all homemade and it’s low fat cream…”

“It sounds great, but there’s a slight issue…” I trailed off, thinking about my next few words.

“What?” she asked, sounding concerned.

“Phil,” I stated, “I said I’d get back to that… I took him to the doctor’s this morning and well… he’s lactose intolerant.”

“Oh,” a shocked noise left Phil’s mum’s mouth, “Oh gosh.”

She remained in stunned silence for a good thirty seconds before speaking again, “I guess it’s time for a menu replan then. No dairy at all?”

“Yeah, the doctor says he’ll probably be able to tolerate a little bit, but for the next week, he’s to avoid it as much as he possibly can and see how he feels,” I explained.

“Did the doctor do a test on him or something?” she asked.

“No, he said that although there are tests, that would need Phil to have some lactose and he  was already feeling ill,” I told her, recalling what the doctor had said, “And it all fits together, because Phil’s been getting bad stomach aches and whatever on and off for the last couple of weeks too.”

“Aww, I wish you’d told me that he wasn’t feeling too great then,” she complained, “But at least we know the heart of the problem now.”

“Phil didn’t want me to. At first, he was insisting that it was nothing to worry about. He thought it was just a side effect of being stressed about moving at first,” I explained, “He’d been feeling better since the move until last night. I think that would be because we didn’t go shopping and had no milk for a couple of days. But, yeah, I’m glad we know what the problem is now.”

“Alright, well I’d better go and plan a new menu,” she said, “I’ll call you back when I’ve decided on something new, but let Phil know it’s all under control. We don’t want him worrying about this on top of everything else.”

“Yeah, he’s having a nap at the moment, but I’ll let him know when he’s up,” I told her, “Thank you.”

I said goodbye to Phil’s mum and let her get on with her menu planning. I felt a little bad that she had to change it, but then there was nothing we could do. It was all just bad timing; these things happen.

Next on my list of things to do was to clean the bathroom. Phil had been ill, and I had to admit, it was a little disgusting. I’d used our second bathroom last night and this morning, but now that he was a little better, cleaning it would no longer be pointless.

I bleached the toilet, and leaved it to sit for a while. In the meantime, I decided to clean the other areas of the bathroom while I had the cleaning stuff out, even though they didn’t desperately need cleaned. After giving the bath, sink and mirror a quick clean, I returned to the toilet, now flushing it and using the toilet brush to finish off the job. I did a quick job with some disinfectant spray around the toilet, because although Phil wasn’t infectious, there was no harm in being careful.

Job done, I washed my hands and left the bathroom, which now smelt like lemons and chemicals, instead of the less-than-pleasant smell it had before. Phil was still fast asleep in our bed; I wondered when I should wake him up, but I decided I would leave it until nearer lunchtime. There was no reason to wake him up now; he would only be tired if I did that.

It was when the Tesco order arrived that Phil awoke. I took myself down the stairs to collect it from the delivery driver and I returned to find a confused-looking Phil in the hallway. He was wearing just a t-shirt and his underwear, his hair messed up in a style that was clear he was just out of bed.

“Tesco order,” I explained, pulling a carton of lactose free milk out the bag I was holding, “Got you some milk.”

“Ahh, I got woken by the buzzer and then I couldn’t figure out where you’d gone,” Phil explained, “Thanks for getting that though; I wasn’t really feeling like thinking about it earlier.”

“It’s no problem,” I told him, “You’re going to want a coffee sooner or later and I know you don’t really like it black.”

Phil laughed, looking noticeably better.

“You look better,” I told him, “How’re you feeling?”

“Not bad actually,” Phil told me, “Possibly even a little hungry though I’m not all too sure on that.”

“It’s about lunchtime,” I told him, “How about we go and have something to eat.”

While I made myself a sandwich for lunch, Phil didn’t want quite as much, so he had crackers spread with the new spread, and a slice of cold ham. He decided after eating it that he was happy to eat more, and followed it up with a banana and one of the yoghurts I’d just bought.

Phil finished his lunch with a smile on his face, “That wasn’t too bad. I feel a lot better now.”

Despite Phil feeling better, I still decided that he should take it fairly easy for the rest of the day. We did a bit of putting away and tidying, but spent most of the afternoon on the sofa together.

Phil and I made the dinner together, which might’ve been a first. He came up with an idea for the chicken in no time, and I was thankful for his creativity as it ended up tasting pretty fucking amazing. I don’t know how he did it - with a few herbs, some chicken stock, some flour and a splash of alcohol, he could make something downright delicious. Phil deserved to be a masterchef, rather than just a low-paid waiter, but even those with small beginnings can go far. I hoped Phil lived out his dream of being a fully fledged chef, and I was going to support him all the way, even if that meant eating the odd more unusual creation.

I spoke to Phil about his future plans after dinner, the thought fresh in my mind. He told that me that when he eventually opened his own restaurant, he planned to have the menu accessible for all. He was going to have several different portion sizes, both plainer and fancier options, low calorie alternatives, and most importantly, plenty of options for those with allergies or dairy or gluten intolerances. Phil’s eyes lit up when he spoke about this, and I could see his dream was building further. Someday, he would have it all planned out and I looked forward to the day where he put it into action and opened up his restaurant for the very first time.

I was excited for Phil, and felt myself starting to share his ambition. It was a thing with soulmates, that often one starts to feel the other’s ambition and excitement. I knew that I didn’t have much in the way of ambition yet, but that didn’t bother me. I was younger than Phil and still working out what I wanted to do with my life. I had an inkling that I might want to do something with video production, an interest that Phil and I shared, yet that was still only an idea that I didn’t know what to do with.

Phil would occasionally ask me what I was planning with my future, but all I could tell him at the moment was that I was going to try and get a part-time job soon. If I was going to have a future, I was going to have to fund it.

We spend a while snuggled up in bed together, before we went to sleep. Phil was still a bit more clingy and cuddly as a result of being ill, which I downright loved. He tried to claim that he was up for having sex, but I didn’t believe him. It was clear from his cuddly nature that that was all he wanted to was curl up in my arms. Sex wasn’t everything in a relationship, and I think Phil and I were a prime example of that. Yes, it was fucking amazing when we did do it, but that didn’t need to be every night. As much as it made us sound like an old married couple, we were content with cuddles and sleeping in each other’s arms.


	18. Tired

**Dan's POV:**

The next day was a little bit weird for Phil, trying out these new varieties of milk and settling on his favourite. He seemed to be feeling fine, which was a relief, as sometimes you wonder if the doctor actually diagnoses the right thing. We headed to Phil’s parents’ house mid-afternoon for Phil’s birthday meal, taking with us Phil’s lactose free milk, as we were spending the night.

As we packed our overnight bags and got ready to go, Phil asked me about three separate times whether I had my anxiety medicine. The answer remained yes and I even showed him where it was in my bag. I understood that he was just being extra precautious after what happened the last time. However, I’d been handling my anxiety a bit better recently, and hopefully I’d be able to keep that up.

Phil’s birthday dinner was a pretty small event, with just his immediate family; his mum and dad, and his brother, Martyn with soulmate, Cornelia. Aunts and uncles had been thought about, but with the complications of us moving house, they hadn’t wanted to tie it down to a date in that way. Phil was happy about that, because although he loved his family, he was still lacking a bit of energy and enthusiasm as a result of feeling ill.

Phil’s mum had called me to update me with the change to the meal. It was now going to be a tomato pasta, with chicken and asparagus, a similar meal which allowed her to use most of the ingredients that she had already purchased. I was still to keep it a secret from Phil, but I was able to inform him that it was suitable for his new diet. At that he was relieved; I think he had been stressing out about it a little more than was necessary.

Despite not being the sort of pasta accompaniments that I would have thought of, the meal was very nice. I suspected that Phil had probably inherited a large proportion of his cooking ability from his parents, because their cooking was on a similar level of greatness to his. There were a variety of desserts, two of which Phil could have, and one that he couldn’t. That didn’t bother him, because there was still enough to satisfy his sweet tooth. I had a small portion of jelly, but I still found I wasn’t big on the pudding front. Eating any more than a little dessert, caused a small spike in my anxiety, never mind my sugar levels.

After the meal, there was the standard follow up of coffee and cake. I followed Phil’s mum through to the kitchen to ensure that she didn’t get carried away and put normal milk in his coffee. Phil had found that the lactose-free milk tasted different by itself, but it barely made a difference to coffee.

I helped carry through the drinks, by taking my tea and Phil’s coffee back to the dining room. Phil’s mum was going to follow through with the rest. I handed Phil his coffee, and returned to my seat next to him. Once she had set down the tray with the remaining hot drinks, she came over to speak to Phil.

“Now, Phil,” she started, “Before I bring it through, I’d already bought the cake before I heard the news so you can’t have it…”

She was cut off by Phil suddenly bursting into tears, something I would never have expected, but then he had been a little less emotionally stable over the last couple of days.

Phil ducked his head into my side to hide his face from the rest of the family, whilst his mum, shocked, placed a hand on his shoulder, “Phil, I’ve made you a toffee and marshmallow crispy cake. It’s not the end of the world, okay.”

“Sorry,” Phil sniffed, “I’m just a little all over the place at the moment, but thank you.”

Phil recovered from his small outburst almost as quickly as it had happened and was happy enough to blow out the candles on the cake. The pile of milk-free sweet things that his mum had brought him went down a treat and when he was finished he snuggled into my side.

Phil received a few presents: some new kitchen equipment from his parents and some rather amusing novelty gifts and a scarf from his brother. As the evening progressed towards midnight, I was waiting for Phil to say when he wanted to go up to bed, but he never said anything. It was when I noticed him starting to nod off, falling asleep on me, that I took matters into my own hands.

I told the family that we were off to bed, with the reason that Phil was still tired from being ill. I helped the sleepy Phil up from the sofa and up the stairs to the guest room. This time it was us having the guest room and Martyn and Cornelia in the living room. Phil’s mum wasn’t one to favour either of her sons, but Phil had had a hard week.

Phil was dead on his feet, but I still managed to get him to get into his pyjamas and brush his teeth before bed. I stripped down to my underwear and climbed in next to him, winding an arm around his exhausted body.

“You get some sleep,” I murmured to him, “I know you’re tired and we don’t need to have a deep conversation every night.”

Phil tiredly agreed and wriggled around to make himself a little more comfortable. He drifted off to sleep in no time and I was left lying by his side, alone in my awakeness.

As I peered through the darkness, silently thinking about not a lot, there was a knock at the door and Martyn wandered in, “Do you guys… oh.”

Martyn stopped speaking when he realised that Phil was asleep. I held up a finger to tell him to hold on, then clambered out of bed to speak to him.

We went into the hall and I shut the door over behind us to keep the noise from disturbing Phil, “What was it you wanted to ask?”

“Yeah sorry, I didn’t realise that Phil’s asleep already,” he apologised, “I was gonna ask if you know where the blankets are because mum and dad have gone to sleep and Cornelia and I don’t know where to find them?”

“I’m not actually sure,” I admitted, “When I was here at Christmas I think Phil or your mum got them for me, but I’ll help you look if you want; I have an idea.”

Martyn took me up on the offer of help. They had been looking in the upstairs cupboards but I had a feeling that they may in fact be downstairs. It was a wild guess but I could remember that it took absolutely no time for a blanket to appear and I had a feeling that I’d heard a cupboard open and shut downstairs.

It took a little hunting, but eventually Martyn and I found the cupboard with the blankets. It was in the hallway, near to the living room, almost under the stairs but not quite.

As we lifted blankets from the cupboard, something happened which threw me off of my recent improvement in mental state. Martyn’s hand brushed my bare stomach in passing me a pile of blankets, and although that shouldn’t have set off a reaction, it did.

I froze and my thoughts travelled back to places I’d hoped they’d never have to go to again.  _Nora. Her fat-shaming. Pokes in the stomach. The burning feeling of emptiness that came with days of not eating. Doughnuts. Oh so many doughnuts. Yelling. Screaming. And then finally, a slap across the face._

In my panicked haze, the blankets had fallen from my hands and I’d taken a couple of steps backwards to collapse onto the stairs. Immediately, I could feel myself shaking, my breathing developing a panicked rhythm, shallow breaths barely refilling my lungs.

“Dan, can I help? Should I get Phil?” Martyn asked, his voice sounding so unclear through my haze that I didn’t know if he was calm or concerned.

“C-could you get my toiletries bag from the bathroom,” I asked him struggling to get my words out, but knowing that I needed my medication more than anything, “And d-don’t wake Phil; he needs sleep.”

Martyn was in and out of the bathroom in a flash, carrying my bag in his hand. I’d never told him, but I was thankful he could tell that Phil’s was the brightly coloured one.

He handed me the bag, then crouched down on the floor in front of me. With shaky hands, I managed to dig through the back and find the little tub of pills that would hopefully help me feel better.

With extreme concentration, I poured out the two tablets that I should be taking for an attack this intense. I looked at them as I held them in my hand, hoping that I’d got the dose right as I definitely didn’t have the capacity to think.

“Let me get you some water,” Martyn said, getting up and heading for the kitchen.

As I waited for Martyn to get back, I felt the tablets getting damp in my now slightly clammy hand. I shifted them around to stop them from dissolving, tempted to just put them in my mouth, but knowing that I would need the water.

Soon enough, Martyn appeared carrying a mug of water. I took it from him, slipping my hand through the handle, and thanking whatever part of him decided it would be a good idea to get a mug. I was less likely to drop it with my shaking if I had a handle to hold onto.

I popped the first tablet into my mouth, swallowed it with some water, and repeated the process with the second. I felt a little relief knowing that I now just had to wait for them to take effect, but that didn’t help with my panicked breathing.

I attempted to control it, counting the seconds as I breathed in and out, but I just couldn’t get myself to improve. As much as I tried, I was struggling to breathe in or out for any longer than two seconds. The longer I struggled, the further I panicked, the lack of control being something that just exaggerated how I felt.

It took me a little longer to notice than it should have done, but I was shivering. I was only in my boxers, and whilst that’s fine under blankets or duvets, it wasn’t really ideal dress for being out of bed. I curled in on myself, trying to warm up a little, but just finding that I was shivering so much I felt worse.

“Mate, you’re shivering, have a blanket,” Martyn said suddenly, unfolding the blanket he had been holding and draping it around my shoulders.

As happens in some panic attacks, a sudden wave of emotion overcame me. I felt the tears leaking from my eyes before the sobbing made its appearance. I tried my best not to cry, I wasn’t comfortable doing that in front of Martyn, but like everything else, I was lacking control. The tears started flowing and then each time I tried to stop, it only got worse.

“I’m fine,” I choked out to Martyn, “I just had a kinda flashback or something.”

“Dan, you’re not fine, you’re panicking so it’s okay to cry,” Martyn said, thankfully understanding what was going on, “What is it Phil gets you to do? Count your breathing and try to make it slower? Are you trying that?”

I nodded, trying to deepen my breathing and slow it down, but I was struggling. I couldn’t control the panicked breaths that were whizzing their way in and out of my lungs so fast that my body barely had time to take in the oxygen. My chest hurt from the exertion. I needed to slow my breathing down but I was really struggling.

The door to the living room creaked open and Cornelia walked out, now dressed in pyjamas, “Martyn, have you found… oh…”

“Is Dan okay?” She asked, interrupting herself, “Should we get Phil?”

“No no no, don’t get Phil, he’s asleep and I’m going to be fine,” I told her.

A sudden pang of longing for Phil hit me, and I felt myself start to cry harder. I wanted him here, he would know what to do. I just didn’t want him to have to wake up; he’d been so tired.

After whispering to Martyn for a few seconds, Cornelia made her way over and sat down on the stair next to me, but still leaving enough space between us.

“Dan,” she said softly, “D’you want to try and breathe with me? Innnnnnnn… and outtttt…”

With Cornelia’s help, her commentary and actions about her own breathing, I was able to calm mine down a little bit. I gradually became less aware of my chest hurting, and although I was still a little out of breath, it was a lot better. Exhausted, I was so tempted to rest my head on Cornelia’s shoulder, but I barely knew her.

“Dan,” she said gently, “Do you want a hug or anything? Do you want to talk about it?”

Thankful for the invite, I rested my head on her shoulder, “Thanks.”

I was in two minds about whether I wanted to talk about it. I wasn’t really sure how much of the story they actually knew, so maybe it would be best to tell them; but on the other hand, I wasn’t sure I could cope with reliving all of it. In the end, my emotional state ended up making it all pour out.

“My ex was the reason I have problems with eating and my body because she used to abuse me for it. Martyn’s hand just brushed my stomach, but I didn’t realise I still have problems with that as it’s fine with Phil and when I have a shirt on,” I told them.

“Your ex abused you?” Cornelia said, shocked, placing a hand on the blanket that covered my back.

“Yeah, like she would tell me I was overweight and needed to lose it, so I started eating less and purging and exercising but it was never enough and this one time I was on the verge of starvation and I binged on her doughnuts and that was the last straw and she hit me and I hate her so much, like I get anxious about so much, and it’s almost always because of something she did,” I blurted, crying more as I spoke, violent sobs breaking their way into the middle of my sentences.

Although I was breathing better, I was still shaking and crying and it had been going on so long that I felt sick. A nauseous feeling radiated in my stomach and chest, and my throat felt tight, as if it was ready to vomit out my dinner. Why had the tablets not worked yet? Had it been long enough? Had he taken the wrong thing? What might he have taken instead? Would it kill him? Was he going to die anyway? This felt like the end. Sometimes he wished he could die when he was with Nora, but he doesn’t want that now; he’s happy with Phil.

“I feel sick,” I groaned, moving my head back off Cornelia’s shoulder and curling in on myself.

I brought my hands up to hold my head, which was pounding with the image of Nora’s face. I shut my eyes to try and block it out, but it seemed to have engraved itself onto the back of my eyelids.  _You should really lose some weight… What the fuck, you fat imbecile… Get out. I never want to see you again… You worthless piece of flab…._  Her voice echoed in my head. I covered my ears and blabbered nonsensical ramblings to try and block it out. I wanted to scream so badly, but somehow I was still registering that people were asleep.

Distantly, I heard Martyn’s voice say, “I’m getting Phil,” but I didn’t have the energy to protest.  I felt that my body was getting tired of shaking. I felt really weak, my arms tired from holding my head, my face tired from crying, my stomach muscles tired from trying to keep down my dinner…

“Dan.”

Phil’s voice managed to break through, his hand rubbing my shoulder as he bent down next beside me. I slowly cracked open my eyes to see Phil’s concerned face, and Cornelia holding a bucket in near me. Phil sat himself down on the step behind me, putting a leg either side of me and then slowly scooping me up and lifting me into his lap. He had brought the duvet with him, which he wrapped around me as he enclosed me in a hug.

I felt a bit better in Phil’s arms, a place that I had grown to know as safe. I felt small and protected in the warmth of his arms and the duvet, and I slowly began to feel more calm. The images of my ex had gone from my head and all I could think about now was how tired I was.

“How are you feeling?” Phil asked softly, adjusting his hold on me, “Not great, I’m guessing.”

“A little better than I was a minute ago,” I told him, “But really tired.”

“Okay,” he said, “Are you still feeling sick?”

“A little, but not like I’m going to throw up,” I replied honestly, yawning.

“Okay, you can take the bucket away,” Phil said to his brother, “And thank you so much for coming to get me. You can get back to bed now; I think we’ve got this under control now.”

“Great,” he said, “Well we’ll head off to bed; you two get some sleep too. You got everything you need?”

“Yup,” Phil said, “I’ll get Dan some more water and then we’ll head to bed too.”

I smiled weakly at the two of them as they headed back to the living room. Martyn stopped at the cupboard to grab another blanket on the way and I instantly felt bad because I was now wearing the one he had got out. The living room door shut and the hallway was now quiet apart from Phil’s and my breathing, and the distant snores of his parents.

“Let’s go back to our room,” Phil said after a minute or two.

Phil helped me to my feet, which I appreciated with being so tired. We made our way back up the stairs together, then took a right into the spare room.

“I’m just going to get you another drink,” Phil said, holding up the glass which had held the water I used to swallow my pills, “Get yourself comfy, but stay sitting up so you can drink it.”

I made my way over to the bed and got into my side, leaning against the wall and pulling the duvet up to my neck. I patiently awaited Phil’s return, which in fact was only seconds after I’d settled into the bed.

Phil sat down next to me and passed me the glass of water, “Drink that, take your time, and when you’re ready we’ll talk about what happened, okay?”

I sipped slowly on the water, making an effort to keep my breathing deep and slow. Phil sat down on the bed next to me and brought me into a half hug, which was a nice gesture.

Once I was about halfway through the glass of water, Phil encouraged me to talk about it, “If you’re okay to talk about what happened, then that would be good. Martyn said that you were having a panic attack because he accidentally brushed his stomach and that then you’d explained to him and Cornelia about what happened with your ex, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“But he said that you were a bit out of it and didn’t seem to be hearing him or Cornelia?” Phil prompted me.

“I think I had like a flashback or something,” I told him nervously, “Like all I could see was her face; all I could hear was her voice. It was kinda like I was there again… with the shouting… and her angry face.”

As I explained to Phil what had happened and saw the concern building his face, I felt my anxiety levels rise a little again. I had a sudden urge to be in his arms and as it was a viable option this time, I nuzzled my head into his shoulder to seek his comfort.

“It’s okay, it’s over now,” Phil comforted me, bringing his arms around me like I’d hoped, “But I do think you should talk to your mental health therapist about that, okay? I try my best, but I’m no professional.”

“Yeah, I think I will,” I said, a little shakily, “I’d been feeling like my anxiety wasn’t too bad and then that came along out of nowhere, whatever it was. It was so much worse than usual and I’m scared it’ll happen again.”

“I’m here for you if it does,” Phil reminded me, pressing his lips to my forehead and making his hug feel more secure.

“Thanks,” I nodded into his chest.

Feeling safe in Phil’s arms, I finally relaxed a little, laying down with him. He adjusted his arms around me once we were laying down and nuzzled his face into my neck.

“Let’s get some sleep, okay, Dan,” he said, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I sniffed, feeling a couple of tears escape from my eyes in my still emotional state.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

I told Dan that I loved him and I heard it in his voice as he replied that he was still a bit tearful. I knew that I was comforting him physically as much as I could, so there probably wasn’t much else I could do.

“Goodnight,” I said as he curled up a little next to me, “If you feel anxious again at all, wake me up.”

I noticed as I shuffled around to get comfortable, that Dan shied away when my hands got close to his middle. I respected his feelings and made an effort to keep away from his stomach, just for tonight. I guess he was going to be extra sensitive for a little bit, so I would have to be careful.

Dan grabbed the spare blanket and wrapped it around himself, creating a barrier between his bare skin and me.

“D’you want some space?” I mumbled to him, suggestively loosening the hug.

“No, this is good,” he replied, slightly muffled by the duvet, “I just wanted to cover up my skin.”

“Okay,” I replied, getting ready to try and sleep, “See you in the morning then.”

Once we were content with our cuddling positions, it wasn’t long before we were asleep. My last few thoughts of the night were about Dan’s anxiety attack and how much it was going to affect him. I hoped that it wouldn’t put too much of a blow on his self-esteem in the long term. He’d been doing really well recently and all he needed was his mental health to keep up. It seemed to make him feel better when he went to talk to his therapist, so I planned to encourage him to make another appointment soon. It should probably wait until after Adam’s stay, so I’d need to do my best to be someone he could talk to in the meantime.

–

The morning that followed found Dan and I snuggled up close in the bed, the sun filtering in through the gap in the curtains. It was getting towards eleven when we were finally awake enough to look at the clock and have a sensical conversation with each other.

“How’re you feeling?” I asked Dan, concerned that he would still be quite down after last night.

“I’m alright,” he said, “Like not super duper and not terrible, but alright. I think I’ll make it through today; hopefully setting up for Adam coming won’t drain too much of my energy. We should make sure we get to bed early tonight. How are you doing? I feel really bad about nicking your sleep.”

“I’m good,” I told him. I knew he was concerned because I hadn’t slept so well the night I’d been ill and I’d been a bit tired since, but it was nothing I couldn’t deal with.

Dan and I got out of bed, he got dressed and we made our way downstairs for breakfast. As it happened, the rest of my family were all at the dining table, but at different stages of their meal. My parents had finished eating and were drinking coffee and my brother and his soulmate were eating some cereal.

I got out a bowl for both Dan and me and we helped ourselves to cereal. Dan had grown comfortable enough in my parents house to help himself, and his recent improvements in his attitude towards eating meant that he would just pick something out and eat it rather than me having to encourage him.

After my family had all said good morning to us, Martyn spoke to Dan, “Dan, are you feeling better this morning? You and Phil got to sleep and everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine now,” Dan said, “And it wasn’t much trouble getting to sleep; we were both pretty tired. Thank you so much for helping me out; that was good of you.”

“No problem,” Martyn replied.

I noticed my mum looking puzzled and realised that neither of my parents would’ve known what happened as they were both asleep.

“You might be wondering…” I started, turning to my mum, “Dan had an anxiety attack and Martyn and Cornelia helped him and came and woke me up.”

“Ahh,” she made a sound in understanding, “Everything’s okay now though, right? Are these anxiety attacks something he can get help for?”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, intervening, “I’m taking medication which helps with reducing my overall anxiety levels and I have tablets that help to stop an attack, but they take a while to kick in. I speak to a mental health therapist when I get a chance, but I’ve had a lot on my mind recently.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “Sounds like you have it fairly under control, but I’m glad you have Phil for support.”

“Dan,” I nudged him, “You taken today’s yet?”

“Oh yeah; no I haven’t,” he stuttered, getting up from his seat and heading towards the door, “I’ll be right back.”

When Dan returned a couple of minutes later with his box of tablets, I had a glass of water ready and waiting at his place. My family didn’t take strange amounts of interest in his pill taking, which made it easier for him, not feeling like he was being watched.

When we finished breakfast, Dan and I started sorting our stuff out to go home. We each had our overnight bags, and I had a new bag of birthday presents. In the end, it was nearly lunchtime by the time we got around to leaving; I got way too caught up in talking to my family.

Our plan for the afternoon was to tidy our flat and get it ready for Adam coming to stay. He’d be arriving just after lunch tomorrow, so we couldn’t leave it much later to start getting organised. We got the guest bedroom as tidy as we could make it; we still had a lot of boxes around, but we were able to shove most of them into a cupboard. Dan gave the main bathroom a little clean and I did a food order that would arrive later in the afternoon.

We spent a lot of time tidying our living room, as not everything had yet settled into a spot of its own. There were DVDs all over the floor in front of the DVD shelf, so those got stacked into a neat pile at the side. There was a rolled up rug near the entrance to the kitchen, so we spread it out on the floor. Even if it wasn’t in its final location, it looked a lot tidier.

We took a nap in the late afternoon, before dinner. We needed a little energy boost to get the rest of the organising doing. After eating dinner we still had to make up the guest bed and find the spare clean towels to put in the bathroom. It was a relief when it was all done, leaving Dan and I with a little time to ourselves before bedtime.

It was a kind of spur of the moment decision, as it often is when things get a little heated, but Dan and I headed to bed early, with more than just sleeping in mind. It was a night for a more slow and sensual style of sex. Neither of us were feeling particularly dominant or super energetic, so we worked together to reach a point of mutual orgasm. It was nice to finally release the sexual tension that had been building up; we needed to deal with that before we had Dan’s brother up to stay. I didn’t feel comfortable being in such a state of vulnerability with a guest in our home and I’m not sure Dan would either. After the rhythm came to a halt, we were able to fall into a naked embrace and not have to worry about the consequences.


	19. Painkillers Won’t Ease The Pain

**Phil’s POV:**

Dan’s brother was on his train up here long before Dan or I were out of bed. We awoke to a message on Dan’s phone; Adam telling him that he had changed trains for the final time and was now on the one that would take him the local station.

The last leg of the journey was about an hour long, so that gave us plenty of time to get up, get showered and dressed, eat breakfast and get organised.

We were picking Adam up at the station just after midday. I drove there so that Dan could get out to greet his brother while I waited in the car.

I parked in a space conveniently close to the station building. Dan let himself out and I sat in anticipation; I was unsure how the next few days would go. I knew that Adam’s soulmate issues wouldn’t make it easy, but I didn’t know how much it truly affected him. I guess now we would see.

Despite being stronger now, Dan’s state of mental health probably wasn’t ideal for having his brother’s problems loaded onto his shoulders. I felt that I would likely be dealing with breakdowns from both of them, so I’d done my best to have as few work shifts as I could this week. Yes, I’d be working harder next week, but it would be worth it.

Dan greeted his brother with a couple of words, silent to me through the car window, and a hug which screamed how much Adam needed the support. His face was instantly buried in Dan’s jacket, there being a slight height difference as Adam still hadn’t finished growing. He looked just like a mini version of Dan, something I had thought before, when I met him for the first time.

Their hug lasted a good ten seconds and Adam finally retreated, Dan ruffling his brown hair in an annoying big-brotherly way. The resemblance between them was astounding, their hair almost exactly the same shade of brown and their posture very similar, with their faces even moving the same way when they spoke. If it hadn’t been for the eight or so years between them, I’d say they could almost pass as twins.

Dan took Adam’s suitcase and wheeled it towards the car, opening the boot and lifting it in. Meanwhile, he told Adam to get in, so it wasn’t long before the back door was opening for him to climb in.

“Hi Adam,” I said, turning around in my seat to speak to him, “How’re you doing?”

“Alright, I guess; could be better but I’ll cope,” he replied, “Everything is just so difficult at the moment, trying to deal with what I’m feeling through my soulmate bond.”

“Aww, I feel for you, buddy,” I told him, “Although being one of the coolest, the telepathic ones are rarely all plain sailing.”

During our brief conversation, Dan had shut the boot and was now getting into the back seat next to Adam, “Right let’s get going.”

“Are we just heading to you guys’ flat?” Adam asked.

“Yup,” Dan replied, “We thought it was best to let you get settled, we’ll leave the going out until tomorrow.”

Back at the flat, Dan showed Adam to the guest room, Adam towing the wheely case behind him. I held back, taking a while to shut the front door as I didn’t quite feel close enough to Adam to follow them into what was now his room for the next week.

I laid my keys down, took my coat off and sat in the living room, waiting for Dan to come back through. It was about five minutes before he appeared, but I got that he probably needed some time to speak to his brother in private.

“Hey,” he said, settling next to me on the sofa, “I’m giving him some alone time for… say half an hour. I asked him how the situation is with his soulmate. He’s been really sad, miserable and depressed for the last week or so and Adam’s pretty sure he’s self harming now too. As you can imagine, Adam’s been feeling a bit down and he’s been in public for so many hours that I think he needs to be alone for a bit.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “I can see why he needs time to himself, to get his thoughts in order. I can’t even imagine how it would be to deal with all that. Like I know all about feeling the need to help my soulmate and not being able to, but it’s on a whole ‘nother level for him.”

“Hmm,” Dan nodded, “I’m sorry if I made things difficult for you.”

“It’s fine,” I told him, hugging him, “It’s not your fault; mental health isn’t something you have much control of.”

“I wish I did,” Dan mumbled, “Like taking these antidepressants for my anxiety is helping a lot, maybe in more ways than one, but I’m still not right. Like I’m still having panic attacks, or whatever the fuck that was the other night and I don’t know how to help it. I hate not having control and I know the doctors are doing their best, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough.”

“I think you should organise another appointment with your mental health therapist soon,” I suggested, gently intertwining my fingers with his, “You’ve said before that it’s helped, right?”

“Yeah, I think I will,” Dan said, “I’ll probably wait until after Adam’s gone home, because we’re probably already dragging him to the doctors once this week because you have your appointment on Friday.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “Yeah, we need to let him enjoy his stay here, but get it booked, okay.”

Dan nodded, probably adding it to a mental list of things he needed to do. I let myself cuddle with him, knowing that we weren’t going to get much cuddling time as we were planning to avoid shoving our relationship in Adam’s face.

“I hope Adam finds him soon,” I mumbled after a while, getting back onto the subject of Adam’s soulmate.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “It’s not nice seeing him in so much pain and distress. I wish there was more we could do to help.”

Around half an hour after he’d left Adam, Dan went back to check on him and see how he was doing. He was only away for five minutes, this time returning with Adam, an arm slung around him protectively.

Taking in the slight redness around his eyes and the way he sniffed loudly, I could tell he’d been crying a bit. I guess Dan had dragged him out of there for a change of scenery and some company to distract him.

Dan sat down with him on the other sofa, talking to him in a such a soft tone that I would need to be closer to hear it. Taking account of his runny nose and damp eyes, I got up to get some tissues. I could see that Dan was doing his best to comfort him emotionally, but he’d maybe forgotten about the physical side of things.

In mine and Dan’s bathroom cupboard, I found a box of tissues. Maybe it seemed a bit overkill to take him the whole box, but I could sense that it wouldn’t be the only time we’d need them. I took them through to Adam, opening the box as I went and having a tissue ready to pass to him when I got there. Adam sniffed a ‘thanks’ and I laid the box of tissues on the couch next to him, in case he were to need another.

“Phil, you know those amazing hot chocolates you make?” Dan asked suggestively, nodding at Adam while he blew his nose.

“Sure thing,” I responded, getting the jist, that he thought Adam could do with one.

I got up and made my way to the kitchen, where I made a hot chocolate while subtly watching Dan and Adam through the doorway.

I could hear snippets of their conversation and it sounded like Dan was trying to be a comforting big brother, “It sounds like he’s being kept an eye on, yeah? His parents don’t know about you yet, so they have no reason to do anything radical yet.”

“Yeah, but he feels really really sick of hiding it and he’s depressed because he knows they’ll disown him when they find out,” Adam responded.

“Let’s hope you’ll meet him before then,” Dan said positively, “We’re going to go out tomorrow, get you out and about amongst people and see if anything happens. There’s no saying he lives near to us, but you’re destined to meet him pretty soon, so it’s more possible than not.”

“Can’t we go out today?” Adam asked, “Like I just want to get a feel for my surroundings.”

“There’s not a lot left of today, but sure, if that’s what you feel like,” Dan replied, “Phil’s making you a hot chocolate, but after you’ve drunk that, we can go for a little walk around town.”

Once I’d given it it’s final stir, I carried the hot chocolate into the living room and across to Adam, who was now sitting up and looking a little bit less miserable. I passed him the drink and retreated to the other sofa.

As Adam slowly sipped at the hot chocolate, Dan mentioned to me how he and Adam were going to go for a walk and did I want to join them? I said that I would, feeling like I would enjoy some fresh air and it would be an opportunity to get to know Adam a little better.

There was a small smile on Adam’s face by the time he’d finished the hot chocolate, which was a positive sign. He laid the cup down on the table and looked over at me, “That was great, Phil. Thank you.”

“S’no problem,” I replied, with a light hearted laugh, “Glad it helped.”

The three of us left the living room to get ready for our walk. Dan seemed to disappear into Adam’s room with him for a bit, so after I visited the bathroom and put my own coat on, I got Dan’s coat and shoes out for him. I double checked that he had his emergency anxiety medicine in his pocket and grabbed a bottle of water to take with us.

Before long, we were all ready to go. Dan had been talking to Adam while he put his shoes on, I guess being a further distraction against what was going on in his head. We locked up, made our way down the stairs, and into the outside world.

My subconscious had my hand trying to find Dan’s, but the second my hand touched his, he batted me away.

“Sorry,” he said, leaning over to mumble in my ear, “Remember we’re not shoving what we have in his face.”

Mentally face-palming myself, I let my hand drop back to my side and then slipped it into my pocket. Dan flashed me another apologetic look and reluctantly put his own hands in his pockets too.

“We should walk to your restaurant and back,” Dan suggested, “That way, Adam can see where you work and we’ll get to show him most of town on the way.”

“Good idea,” I agreed, turning right out of the gate and leading the way.

Conveniently, the pavement was wide enough to accommodate the three of us across it, so we walked in a line, Dan, then Adam, then me.

For heading there, I decided that I would avoid my usual shortcuts and we’d take the main roads to help Adam to get a better understanding of the area. We could take the shortcut on the way back if we wanted.

As we walked along the main street, Dan pointed out a few of the best shops, the road that led down to the park and a number of other things. I got the odd word in now and then, but Dan was doing a pretty good job as tour guide so I left him to it. I probably still knew the area in general better than him, so I’d probably be taking the lead on the way back if we took the shortcut.

We stopped in the restaurant car park for five minutes before we headed back. We told Adam that this was where I worked, and Dan added in that if was also where we met.

I noticed Adam eyeing up the menu on the wall and studying it in close detail, “The food sounds pretty good; will I get to try it?”

Seeing Dan’s hesitant glance at me, I replied, “I don’t know… Dan has been in here since we met, but it doesn’t hold the best memories for him. We’ll think about it.”

Dan shot me a thankful look but I could see that he was losing focus on the conversation.

“Ahh yeah… Let’s not if it’ll make Dan uncomfortable,” Adam said, also looking at Dan concernedly, as he didn’t react to his name being said.

“Dan,” I said firmly, placing a hand on his back, “Earth calling, you in there?”

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, slightly dazed, “I’m fine.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, hoping he might explain where his thoughts had been.

“Just kinda remembered some of what happened that night,” he explained, “Don’t really want to talk about it.”

Respecting his decision, I rubbed my hand up and down his back a couple of times before dropping it back to my side, “Right, let’s head home. I know a shortcut that’s a little quicker.”

As we walked, Dan was almost silent and it seemed to be me doing most of the taking. Something didn’t seem right, and I knew that just seeing the restaurant wouldn’t have provoked that reaction by itself.

When we stopped at a pedestrian light, I got the chance to mumble something to Dan, “I know you’re not wanting to, but please just take my hand if you need to, yeah?”

Dan nodded, but kept his hands in his pockets. As we passed a cafe that I didn’t really know, Dan seemed to glance inside out of curiosity. I guess he didn’t really know this part of town. It was after that I noticed Dan slowing down and breathing very deeply. I could feel the panic radiating off of him, but I had no idea what had triggered it.

“Dan, d'you want to stop for a minute?” I asked, bringing my arm around him.

“No, need to keep going,” he said, walking a little faster.

I slightly ignored Adam in trying to figure out what was up with Dan, but he was still keeping up, walking next to me but not saying anything.

Dan slowed down again after a minute, this time more than accepting of the arm around him. He was still breathing too quickly and looking a little flustered, but he didn’t seem to be having a full on panic attack.

I pulled him into a half hug, forcing him to stop walking. I laid my hand on his chest and felt as he attempted to take big slow breaths.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him, using my soft, caring voice and keeping an arm around him to make sure he felt safe.

“N-nora works in that cafe back there and I saw her through the window,” Dan spluttered.

“Okay,” I nodded, now understanding the situation, “You’re safe, she’s not going to get you. You’re doing well, just keep up your breathing.”

Dan nodded into my side, focusing back on his breathing again. I could feel that he was a bit shaky, but it was nothing compared to some of his panic attacks.

“D'you want to take your medicine or d’you think you’re okay?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he groaned.

Seeing that he wasn’t jumping at the chance to take it, it couldn’t be too bad. I agreed with that from what I could see from his physical symptoms.

“Okay, I don’t think you need to, but let me know if you do,” I told him, “We’re only about ten minutes away from home now; you good to keep going?”

“Yeah, I just want to be home now,” Dan said, as we started to walk again, “Also could I have that water? My throat’s really dry.”

I handed Dan the bottle of water I had brought, which he accepted like a panting dog, readily downing some of it to quench his thirst.

Adam hadn’t said much during the whole exchange, but now he spoke up, “Just wondering what’s for dinner?”

“Lentil and tomato pasta, and I think we have garlic bread if you want,” I told him, the meal having been carefully chosen to suit a lactose intolerant, a recovering anorexic and a fussy fifteen year old.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to have the garlic bread thanks to it having garlic  _butter_  and Dan probably wouldn’t eat it, so it seemed only sensible to offer it to Adam.

“Sounds good,” he mused, “I’m starting to get hungry.”

“Well that’s okay, I’m going to start making it when we get in,” I told him, “You won’t have to wait too long.”

Once we were home, I had a couple of minutes in private with Dan. From what I had seen, he had pretty much recovered from his mild anxiety spell, but I wanted to make sure that he was okay emotionally, as well as just on the surface. Dan assured me that he was feeling better, grabbed a blanket and headed off to the living room to be with Adam whilst I cooked.

Soon enough, I had a vat of pasta sauce on one burner and a pot of pasta gently simmering on another. Adam and Dan were having an in-depth conversation about video games in the living room. I was glad to see them talking about their shared interests rather than just their problems. Adam particularly needed something to get his mind off what was going on; clearly he’d still see and feel it in his head, but if the focus was shared with something else, he wouldn’t feel the pain quite as strong.

Filling a glass of water for Dan and making a glass of ribena for myself, I called out to ask Adam what he would like, “Adam, what d’you want to drink?”

“What’ve you got?” he asked, directing the question more at Dan as he was closer.

“Apple juice, orange juice, ribena, milk, wat…” Dan listed.

“Milk would be good, thanks,” Adam replied loudly, cutting off Dan’s list.

I felt a pang in my heart at the mention of milk. I tried not to feel sad about it, but every time it crossed my mind that I couldn’t have milk anymore, I thought about the full extent of the things that I wouldn’t be able to eat.

“Sure,” I replied, my voice cracking slightly as I replied.

I hid myself by opening the fridge, hoping that Dan hadn’t noticed the falter in my emotional stability. I needed to be the strong one here; I couldn’t let something so small get me down.

“I’ll come and help,” Dan called out, the sound of the sofa moving as he got up filtering through to my ears.

I heard Dan’s footsteps as he walked into the kitchen, then felt his presence as he came up behind me and pressed his body gently up against mine.

“Phil,” he murmured softly, “It’s okay. I wish you didn’t have to deal with this, but things’ll improve after this week, yeah.”

I could feel myself slowly starting to lose my control, so I hid my face in my hands and turned towards Dan, resting my head against his shoulder.

“D'you want to go to our room and take a couple of minutes to get yourself sorted out?” Dan asked, “I’ll take care of serving the food and I’ll come and get you once it’s out.”

I nodded, waiting for Dan to let me free from his embrace. As I turned to go, Dan stopped me and pressed a small kiss to my forehead, “Breathe slowly, try and keep yourself calm. It works the same way.”

I left Dan and the warmth of the kitchen and made my way to our room, feeling tears pricking in the corners of my eyes. I took a couple of deep breaths, following Dan’s advice to try and sort myself out.

**Dan’s POV:**

I’d encouraged Phil to head to our room to try and calm down, but the second he’d gone, I wondered if that had been the right thing to do.

On one hand, I felt like he needed to be alone, but on the other, I felt like I should be comforting him. Not being able to decide, I thought I’d give him a bit of both. I’d get the dinner served and then go and see how he was doing. Adam could get tucked into his food and if Phil needed time, then I’d give him it.

I poured a glass of milk for Adam and placed it next to the other two glasses that Phil had filled. I carried the three of them through and placed them on the dining table.

Adam looked up when I entered the room, “Is something up with Phil?”

Realising that Adam must’ve seen or heard some of our exchange, I thought I’d better explain, “He got diagnosed as being lactose intolerant the other day and he’s struggling to come to terms with it.”

“That’s a milk allergy, right?” Adam asked.

“Kind of,” I started, heading back to the kitchen to serve the pasta, but talking meanwhile, “Lactose is a sugar in milk, rather than just milk in general. And it’s not like a sneezing, rash, can’t breathe kind of reaction. It gives him a really sore stomach and sometimes makes him a bit unwell.”

Once I’d finished explaining, I brought through the three plates of food and laid them on the table.

“Adam, you get started,” I told him, “I’m going to get Phil and I don’t know how long we’ll be.”

I made my way to mine and Phil’s room and gently pushed the door open, “Phil?”

Phil wasn’t in the bedroom, but I could hear some water running in our bathroom. The bathroom door was wide open, so I poked my head around to find Phil washing his face.

Noticing the slightly red-rimmed eyes he was splashing water on, I approached him, resting a hand on his back, “Phil, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, his voice sounding a little rough.

“You’ve been crying,” I stated, letting him know that I knew, “You sure you’re okay?”

Phil was usually fairly strong emotionally and I knew he didn’t let down the strong façade that easily, but I had to do what I could to help him when I knew he was feeling down. Phil squeezed his eyes shut and I could see a couple of droplets fall from his eyes and run down his already wet cheeks. I pulled him into a hug, trying to give him the support he needed. Phil cried quietly into my chest for a minute, before a violent sob erupted from him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” I murmured, attempting to be comforting as he unleashed a second sob.

With Phil now sobbing loudly, he was talking massive gulps of air in between and I could tell it wasn’t helping him. Okay, he wasn’t having a panic attack, but getting control of your breathing generally helps to control crying, whatever the situation.

I walked Phil back into our room and sat with him on the edge of the bed. I did what he’d done for me so many times and encouraged him to breathe with me, making sure it was nice and controlled.

I continued to rub my hand slowly up and down his back and I occasionally lifted my other hand to his face to wipe some of the tears away.

Eventually, Phil reached a calm enough state to get a couple of words out, “Sorry, I kinda lost control.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, “Honestly… We’re all going through difficult times and you have the right to cry as much as you need to. Obviously, it would be easier if you didn’t, but I’m here for you. Just speak up if you need some support, okay.”

Phil nodded and rubbed his eyes, sniffing a little bit. I handed him a tissue and put my arm around him as he blew his nose, “You ready to go and get dinner now?”

I knew I’d been trying to avoid much PDA around Adam, but I put my arm around Phil as we walked out of our room and along to our dining table. I only dropped it back to my side when we had to split to sit down.

At first, we ate in near silence, but as we all started to get our energy back, we became more talkative. Phil was back to his usual self by the time we were finished, cheerily heading off to do the dishes.

–

We watched a couple of films in the evening, something that didn’t require much effort from any of us. It had all been going well and we were halfway through our second film when I noticed Adam was acting oddly. His attention was elsewhere and he was biting his lip, his right hand firmly clamped around his left wrist. It only took me a couple of seconds to figure out what was happening, thanks to what he’d told me earlier about his soulmate self-harming.

“Just going to the bathroom,” Adam choked out, instantly getting up on having made eye-contact with me.

“Adam,” I called out to him as he hurried out of the room, “Hold on.”

I ran to catch up with him, but only made it to the bathroom door as he locked it in front of me.

“Adam, please open up,” I begged, “I know I can’t really help, but I know what’s going on and I’d rather you had some company.”

Thankfully, it didn’t take much persuasion to have him open the door and when I saw his emotional state I realised why it had been so easy. He was full on crying, tears pouring down his face as he ran his wrist under the cold tap.

“I… I went to a soulmate therapist… a couple of days ago… and she says there’s no way I can stop the pain,” Adam choked out, “I… I need to be s-strong and deal with it… m-making it cold helps a l-little.”

I grabbed the hand towel from the rail, turned off the tap and gently rubbed Adam’s wrist dry, “Come with me; we’ve got an ice pack in the freezer.”

Adam cradled his arm to his chest as we walked to the kitchen, a stream of tears still flowing down his face. I quickly opened the freezer and found the ice pack. I prised his arm away from his chest and brought the ice pack slowly down onto his wrist. I took the towel and wrapped it around to keep the cold in.

“You can sit with that on it,” I told him, still holding the towel and the ice pack on for him.

“Dan, do you need me to do anything?” Phil asked, sticking his head into the kitchen.

“Uhh… I don’t think so?” I said hesitantly, not sure if there was anything he could do to help.

“How about a cup of tea for Adam?” he suggested, looking between us.

“D’you want that?” I prompted Adam.

“Yeah,” he nodded timidly, rubbing some tears off his face.

“D’you want to go back to the living room or to bed?” I asked him, wanting to know where I should take him.

“Bed,” he said wearily.

“Phil, bring the tea through to his room when you’ve made it,” I called out to Phil as I made my way there with Adam.

Holding the towel and ice pack for himself now, Adam pushed the duvet back, climbed up onto the bed and wrapped it around himself like a cape. I perched next to him on the bed, placing a hand on the duvet that covered his back, “Is it still hurting a lot?”

Nodding, Adam replied, “Yeah, and it’s hurting me to think about him doing that too.”

“I know the feeling,” said Phil as he walked into the room sporting a mug of tea, “This guy here used to worry me a hell of a lot by throwing up every meal he ate. It hurt a lot that I couldn’t help, but there’s not much you can do to make it easier.”

Phil handed Adam the tea, patting him on the shoulder, “You’re doing great.”

“But at least you didn’t actually feel sick every time,” Adam retaliated, “I’m currently getting like all his pain and depressed thoughts and everything.”

“I did sometimes, like when it was particularly bad I would worry so much that I felt sick myself,” Phil explained, “I kinda get where you’re coming from. Did you go and see a soulmate therapist in the end?”

“I’ve been once and she wasn’t that helpful,” Adam explained, “She said that there wasn’t really anything I could do to stop the pain. Painkillers won’t help at all ‘cause the pain’s on his side and not mine. The ice kinda helps because it’s so cold it numbs it. She told me that there’s not an awful lot she can help me with, that it’s really my soulmate that needs the help. She said that she might try prescribing me antidepressants but they might not make a difference, depending on how many of the depressed thoughts are mine and how many are his - she really needs to treat both of us together, or have him see someone that she can make contact with.”

“When will you be going back?” I asked, “Like to hear if she’s going to prescribe you them.”

“We’re giving it ten days, so just after I get back home,” Adam told us, “I need to keep note of my thoughts and feelings and why I’m feeling them. That’s going to help her see where all my feelings come from. I’m scared though; I’ve never been on a prescription medication of any kind and I’ve heard that antidepressants can make you have suicidal tendencies. There’s no hope for me and him if we both head down that path…”

Adam started to cry a bit harder with what he was saying. I brought my arm around him and Phil sat down at his other side to hold onto his cup of tea before he spilt it all over himself.

“It’s antidepressants that I take for my anxiety,” I told Adam, “I haven’t had much problem with them. I know it varies from one case to another, but genetically, we’re pretty similar.”

“Were you scared to take them?” he asked, shaking a little.

“Not really,” I told him, “I was pretty desperate for something to help with the panic attacks and constant anxiety I was experiencing and I’d been putting my body through all kinds of abuse anyway, so adding another pill into the mix wasn’t going to be much different.”

“Anyway, taking them doesn’t bother me,” I added, “I wouldn’t be worried about it. I’m sure mum’ll keep a close eye on you if you’re worried about anything. Just let her know how you feel, yeah. I can’t help as much as I’d like to from up here.”

“Are they just like normal pills?” he asked, “They’re not like giant or anything?”

“I’d say they’re pretty normal,” I told him, “I’ll let you see tomorrow morning when I take them.”

“Thanks,” Adam mumbled, falling into a silence and sipping on the tea.

I stayed with him as he finished the tea, although the conversation had pretty much run out. Adam was still crying, so Phil left at one point to get him tissues, but overall, we had the situation under control.

When the mug was empty, I laid it to the side, to take away with me when I left. His hands now free, Adam pulled the duvet a little closer around him.

“I think I’m just gonna take my jeans off and get some sleep now,” Adam mumbled.

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” I said, “D’you need any extra blankets or are you good?”

“I think I’m good,” he replied.

“Kay, goodnight then,” I said, “Come and find Phil or me if you need anything; also don’t hesitate to wake me up if anything happens in the night; if you need someone to talk to, I’ll only be next door.”

Taking the mug with me, I left the room, shutting the door behind me to let Adam get ready for bed. Phil was waiting outside for me, and joined me as I walked to the kitchen.

“Shall we just head to bed too?” Phil asked, as I put the mug in the dishwasher.

“Yeah,” I agreed, “I’m pretty tired…”

I made sure that the TV and all the lights were turned off, and Phil went to check the door was locked. We’d developed our own little routine in terms of the small insignificant jobs we had to do before we settled down for the night. On my way to mine and Phil’s bedroom, I quietly poked my head into the guest room to see if Adam was asleep. Eyes shut, snoring gently, curled up tightly and clutching onto the duvet, he was definitely sleeping. I felt a little relief, knowing that he was getting some rest; I’d been concerned that with everything going in his head, he wouldn’t get to sleep that easily, but then, he had had a long day.

I met Phil in our bedroom, where I didn’t hesitate in removing my clothes until I was just in my underwear. Phil did the same, but he kept going until he was completely naked and headed for the bathroom.

“You not coming for a shower?” he asked, as he realised that I was still sitting on our bed.

“I’m tired and I’m feeling a bit stressed and I really just want to sleep,” I explained, “You go ahead, I’ll probably shower in the morning.”

“I’ll let you go to the bathroom and brush your teeth first then,” Phil said, momentarily pausing to put his underwear back on.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, getting up and walking past him into the bathroom.

Phil kept me company as I cleaned my teeth. Something was bugging me about him being there; I think I just needed a little time to myself, but I’d feel bad to push him away. It felt like there was an elastic band in my back which had gradually been pulled tighter, and something told me that it wouldn’t be long before it snapped.

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asked me as I got into bed, “You’re really quiet, d’you want to talk about why you’re stressed?”

I shook my head, hoping he would get the message and just bugger off for his shower. Instead, he sat cross-legged on the bed next to me and looked down with what I felt was an aura of concern.

“Phil, I’m fine,” I groaned, “Just go for your shower.”

“Dan, you’re not fine,” he said softly, bringing his hands to rest on my back and starting to rub it, “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“NO,” I snapped harshly, feeling that the elastic band had finally snapped, the pot of stress that had been brewing inside of me, boiled over. I pushed Phil off, “Just leave me alone, okay.”

Feeling the tears welling in my eyes, I ignored Phil and curled up in a ball, crying into the mattress. He seemed to stay for a minute or two, but eventually I felt the bed move a little as he stood up and I heard him walking into the bathroom. Finally.

What I wasn’t expecting, but maybe I should have, was for Phil to come back. The footsteps returned and the mattress sank again as Phil sat down, “Dan, I’ve brought your medicine if you want to take it.”

“I’m not having a fucking panic attack,” I growled, my voice coming out slightly angry but mainly just sad.

“They might help,” Phil said, not appearing fazed by my outburst, “If you change your mind, I’ll keep it here.”

Phil went quiet for a bit, finally giving me some of the peace I needed.

**Phil’s POV:**

I quietly considered what else I could do to help Dan. He was completely freaking out any time I tried to get too near him. It wasn’t a normal panic attack, but he was showing some of the same symptoms. He was crying, he was trembling a little and I didn’t know what was going on in his head.

I knew he wanted space, but I didn’t really want to leave him alone like this. I did what seemed like the best option in this situation and decided to sit it out. It might take a while, but I knew he come around eventually. I sat close to him, but not too close and made sure that my body language was open and welcoming for him.

It hurt me to sit by his side and do nothing as he sniffled and cried, but it was rewarding, when, after about ten minutes, he shuffled the small distance between us and finally allowed me to hug him.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he nuzzled his face into my stomach.

“It’s okay,” I told him, wrapping my arms securely around him and holding him there, “It’s over now, you’re okay.”

Dan’s tears and snot started to make my stomach a little sticky, but I was still planning a shower so it didn’t matter in the slightest. Dan had said he’d shower in the morning, but he now seemed cold and sweaty so I thought I’d double check that.

“You sure you don’t want to shower?” I asked him, “No offence but you’re a bit sweaty.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded, “Sorry, but I don’t have the energy so you’re gonna have to deal with me being a bit sticky for tonight.”

“I’m still going to have a shower, but I’ll stay 'til you’re asleep,” I told Dan, “D'you want some water to some tea or anything?”

“I’m good,” Dan replied, “Sleep’s all I want right now.”

Dan had to leave my embrace while I sorted out the duvet. I brought it around his curled up form and tucked the edge in underneath him. I left my side loose, ready for me to join him after I’d had my shower.

I sat cross-legged on top of the duvet, while Dan lay underneath it beside me. His tears having dried up, he now looked exhausted, his eyes reddened and half shut already.

I brought a hand to rest on top of his duvet-shrouded form, not wanting to get so caught up that I’d be unable to leave for my shower when the time came.

“Can you just talk at me for a bit?” Dan asked, “That’ll help me get to sleep.”

“Sure thing,” I responded, picking out the first thing I could think of and going on what became a slightly nonsensical ramble on the topic.

I stopped blabbing on about houseplants just after I noticed that Dan was asleep. I’d kept going a little for a little while and then slowly got quieter, in case the abrupt arrival of a silence could awaken him.

I felt a pang in my heart at leaving him alone, but I was determined to have a shower. I quickly shed my boxers and hopped under the flow of water before it had even warmed up.

I kept my shower quick, as once I was in it, the tiredness hit me and I was now longing for bed. I brushed my teeth and eventually found some pyjamas in the darkness of our room. The first pair I had attempted to get on turned out to be Dan’s as they were a bit too small. I knew I could’ve given up my search and slept naked but I felt a bit exposed that way. We had a guest in the house and then there’s always that risk that the fire alarm goes off. I might’ve seemed a bit paranoid, but there was no harm in being careful.


	20. Blankets and Duvets

**Phil’s POV:**

When I first woke up, I knew I didn’t have the luxury of being able to just roll over and go back to sleep. Although he was Dan’s younger brother, I was conscious that Adam was still a guest and I wanted him to enjoy his stay with us. Knowing teenagers, he would still be fast asleep, but I felt I should get up and get the morning’s tasks underway.

I was tired; staying up later than I’d expected with comforting Dan had really taken it’s toll on me, but once I had some coffee in me, I’d be able to put that behind me. Not bothering to change out of my pyjamas - that could wait until later - I got out of bed. I didn’t want to bother him too much, but I woke Dan up a little so that he would hopefully get up sometime soon.

“Dan, I’m going to make breakfast,” I told him, “Want to get up soon and have your shower?”

“Mmm…” Dan mumbled sleepily, “Yeah, I’ll do that soon.”

“M’kay, I’ll see you soon,” I said, pushing my glasses up my nose and making my way out of the room.

I was surprised to find Adam already up, laying on the sofa with the TV on a low volume, “Mornin’, you’re up early!?”

“Yeah, soulmate’s feeling sad,” he explained monotonously.

“Would it help to talk about it?” I asked, sitting down next to him, but far enough away to give him space.

I felt that this was really Dan’s role, being his brother, but I would help if I could. “What’s he feeling sad about?”

“Everything!? It’s a bit overwhelming. He hasn’t slept well, he’s not cutting or anything at the moment, but he’s just feeling really depressed and he can’t talk to anyone because his parents…” Adam paused, suddenly looking really pale.

“Adam, you okay?” I said, cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I feel a bit faint, like my head’s spinning a bit,” he groaned, “It’s too much.”

“Okay, lie down for a minute,” I said, getting up and helping him to lie down as he looked like he was about to pass out, “I’m gonna get you something to eat and drink.”

I didn’t leave immediately to get him food, instead deciding that I would stay in case he did pass out. Laying down, he started to look a little bit better, a bit of the colour returning to his cheeks.

“D’you take coffee?” I asked, figuring he probably needed some energy.

“Yeah, with milk and like three or four spoons of sugar,” he replied.

“Okay, keep your head down; I’ll be back with some coffee soon,” I told him, heading to the kitchen to make the sugary caffeinated beverage that he looked like he needed.

Still feeling my own exhaustion, I decided that I would make myself one at the same time. I put the kettle on, taking two mugs out of the cupboard and laying them next to each other on the worktop while I waited. I put coffee powder into the bottom of each mug and then the boiling water when it was ready. I poured the milk into one, then the other, followed closely by the sugar. A few minutes later, I returned to the living room carrying two identical mugs of steaming coffee, one in each hand.

I set them down on a side table, greeting Adam with a gentle, “I’m back and I’ve got coffee.”

I told Adam to make sure he sat up slowly; then once he was vertical, I passed him the coffee. He continued to look very pale, but I could tell he would be fine.

“I’ll get breakfast sorted out once you’ve had that,” I told him, “How’re you feeling?

“Maybe a bit better,” he said, “Not quite like I’m going to pass out anymore.”

“Okay, that’s good,” I said, sitting down next to him to drink my own coffee.

We both sipped at our coffees in relative silence, the only sounds being those of the coffee we slurped into our mouths. I couldn’t quite place why, but it seemed like the best instant coffee I’d had in awhile. Maybe I’d slipped an extra spoon of sugar in; it had to be that.

Adam looked a little more cheerful by the time he’d finished the coffee; that was a good sign.

“You feeling a bit better?” I asked him, as he laid the cup down to the side and sighed.

“Less tired, yeah. I feel a bit less faint, but I think it might be coming from my soulmates end,” he explained.

“Can you encourage him to eat breakfast?” I asked, nodding in understanding.

“Maybe…” he said hesitantly, looking thoughtful.

As Adam sat quietly, a look of concentration on his face, I heard the shower starting up in the distance. That meant that Dan was out of bed.

“Okay, I think he’s going to get something to eat now,” Adam said slowly, “We can’t communicate in words or anything but I feel like our bond is getting stronger because I’m kinda being able to put ideas in his head.”

“That’s interesting,” I said, “Telepathic bonds often get stronger in the run up to the meeting.”

“They do?” Adam asked, surprised.

“They can, yeah,” I confirmed, “Though of course, there’s loads of other factors. You’ve obviously noticed that the stronger the emotion, the more you feel it, so it equally could be connected to that.”

“The complexities of this bond make my head hurt,” Adam complained, “I just want to meet him.”

“I wish you could meet him already too,” I agreed, “Like I don’t like seeing you this down about things and Dan’s been getting a bit stressed with worry for the two of you.”

“M sorry,” he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to have him worrying.”

“Hey, there’s nothing to be sorry about; it’s not your fault,” I told him, “He’s struggling with his mental health too; in a different way, but it’s still not easy for him. Now don’t you start worrying about him though; he’s more or less coping and you’ve got enough on your plate. Speaking of plates, what would you like for breakfast?”

“If you don’t mind I’m gonna wait until he’s eaten and is feeling a bit better,” Adam said, holding his head in his hands.

“Sure, okay, I’ll get bowls and stuff out but we can wait ‘til Dan’s out the shower,” I said cheerily, getting up and leaving him alone as I felt like he could probably do with some peace and quiet for a minute or two.

In the kitchen, I got bowls and cereal out the cupboard, laying them on the counter next to the archway through to the living room. The temptation was too much as I lifted over the box of Crunchy Nut, so I scooped a couple of dry handfuls out the packet and straight into my mouth. I took the milk, orange juice, and my  _not_ -milk out of the fridge, laying them next to the cereal. Actually assembling the breakfast could wait until Dan was out of the shower.

I returned to the living room to wait for Dan, this time sitting on the other sofa to give Adam some space. He was certainly looking better than earlier, but he clearly had a lot going on in his head, by the way he sat with it resting on his knees. Something told me that he was currently more in his soulmates head than his own, which was a little weird to watch.

As I sat studying his behaviour, I felt a weird sensation in my stomach and a sense of dread. Was something bad happening? Adam seemed to be looking happier though, so surely not. The sensation was slowly replaced with a dull ache in my stomach and lower back and I realised that I just needed the bathroom. Nothing bad was happening, silly assumption, Phil.

I tried to ignore the feeling, knowing that Dan would be out of the shower in a few minutes and I’d be able to go to the bathroom. However, it seemed that the pain only seemed to intensify and the minimal contents of my stomach seemed to be having a party in there. I curled up in a ball, groaning in realisation of what I’d done. I’d put normal milk in my coffee and my body most definitely did not like that.

My groan must’ve been louder than I’d realised, because suddenly Adam was next to me, looking a tad concerned, “Phil? Phil, are you okay? Should I get Dan?”

“I put actual milk in my coffee by accident,” I explained, feeling sick to the stomach as I spoke, “He’s in the shower.”

Adam left my field of vision and only moments later, I could hear him calling out to Dan through our bathroom door, “DAN!”

Only a moment later, I heard the shower stop and a quieter reply from Dan, “Adam?”

–

**Dan’s POV:**

I was just about finished in the shower, having my final minute just soaking under the hot water and relaxing, when Adam shouted my name through the door. I instantly turned the shower off, wondering what was happening. Had something happened to Phil? Anything else and it probably would’ve been him getting me.

“Adam?” I replied, the water now off so I could hear.

“Phil put normal milk in his coffee by accident and his tummy’s sore,” Adam said frantically, “He’s all curled up and he looks really pale.”

“Oh god, right two seconds, I’m on my way,” I said, immediately filled with concern as I hoped out the shower and pulled a towel around my waist.

I opened the bathroom door, wet and dripping, but at least with my private parts covered. Adam looked a little shocked as I opened the door. My first thought was ‘oh god, he’s disgusted by my fat’ but then I realised it was mainly the fact I was dripping wet and shirtless. Still, I found myself sucking in my stomach, not even consciously until I’d noticed I’d done it.

“Sorry bro, gotta deal with me being half naked, I need to look after phil,” I hurriedly explained myself, pacing through our bedroom and out into the hallway.

In the lounge, I knelt down in front of the sofa Phil was occupying, “Phil, how bad are you feeling? Like just a sore stomach, pretty crap, or like you’re going to throw up.”

“Pretty crap,” he mumbled.

“Okay, let’s get you to the bathroom,” I told him, helping him up, “Adam, just help yourself to breakfast.”

Phil’s skin was translucent, verging on green, I noticed, as I walked through our room with him. He was very tense as he walked, every so often holding his abdomen with a pained expression on his face. I let go of him as he walked into the bathroom, shutting the bathroom door behind him.

I didn’t want to hang around too long as I knew what was coming. I tossed on the first t-shirt and pair of joggies I could find. They were a bit big as they were Phil’s, but they’d do.

“I’ll give you some privacy, Phil, but shout if you need anything,” I said, as I left our bedroom, not really wanting to hear him going to the toilet.

“Thanks,” Phil replied weakly, after a moment or two.

I shut the door to our room and walked back along to our living area, finding myself shaking slightly as I walked. Whether it was the hurried nature of the situation, my anxiety making an appearance or just a feeling through Phil and I’s soulmate bond, I didn’t quite know.

Adam was sitting at the table, spooning some cereal into his mouth, looking thoughtfully.

“Hi,” I greeted him, “How are you this morning?”

“Alright,” he said, “I got woken up early because my soulmate was feeling sad, then when Phil came through I was feeling a bit faint so he made me coffee. Well he made us both coffee, as you’ve found out. Turns out it was actually my soulmate who was feeling faint, but I managed to encourage him to go and get some food. Is Phil okay?”

“Ehh…” I hesitated, “He’s currently shitting his guts out, but there’s nothing I can do other than leave him to get on with it and give him some tlc later.”

“Awwh,” Adam said, sounding genuinely sad about how Phil was feeling, “That sucks; there isn’t anything you can give him to make him feel better?”

“Not really, no,” I told Adam, “Once he’s got it out of his system, he’ll need a lot of water, but I don’t think there’s much I can do before then.”

“You going to sit down and have breakfast?” Adam asked, looking at where he had laid the rest of the breakfast stuff.

“Yeah, I just need to go get my anxiety meds from the kitchen,” I explained, heading in the direction of the kitchen, still finding myself shaking a little.

I grabbed my tub of pills from the cupboard and filled myself a big glass of water. I took them to the dining table, something I wouldn’t have done if it hadn’t been for the face that I’d told Adam I’d show him what they were like.

“Antidepressants,” I said, laying the tub down on the table in front of me and sitting down.

Adam looked over on hearing that, studying the tub from where he was sitting. I grabbed a bowl and filled it with cereal, knowing from experience that it wasn’t the best idea to take medications on an empty stomach. Once I had a bowl of cereal in me, I pushed the bowl to the side and picked up the tub of pills. I took one out and held it between my finger and thumb to show to Adam. I let him look at it for a moment or two, before popping it in my mouth and swallowing it with some water.

“See, nothing scary,” I told him, laying the water back down.

“That actually makes me feel a lot better about it,” Adam told me, “Like antidepressants sound scary… b-but they don’t look too bad.”

“Yeah, you’ve got nothing to worry about,” I reminded him, “Like they’ll probably even do you some good which’ll be nice.”

–

“DAN,” Phil shouted from a distance, his voice weak but still audible.

“Two seconds, I’m coming,” I called back, turning my head in the direction of our bedroom.

I got up, first stopping at the kitchen to grab a couple of bottles of water as I knew he was going to need a drink, then made my way to our room. I found Phil sitting on his side of our bed, still looking very pale, but he was obviously feeling a bit better to be through here.

“How are you feeling?” I asked him in a soft voice, perching on the bed next to him.

“I wouldn’t say better, but a lot less bad,” he said, “Like I’ve no longer got the stomach cramps from hell, but I feel a little nauseous.”

I unscrewed the lid of one of the water bottles and passed it to him, “You need to drink. That’ll make you feel a bit better.”

Phil started slowly sipping on the water and meanwhile, I picked up his free hand and held it in mine. His hand was a bit clammy and shaky, but I wasn’t complaining, I was just glad that I could do something to help now, even if it wasn’t much.

“Anything else you’re needing?” I asked, after a while.

“I still feel a bit nauseous,” Phil said, “Could you make like chamomile tea or something? That sometimes helps a bit.”

“Sure,” I said, rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand one last time before I let it go, “D’you want anything to eat?”

Phil shook his head, “No, I don’t feel good enough for that.”

On my way to make Phil his tea, I stopped for a moment to speak to Adam, “I’m not sure if we’ll be going out today. Phil’s not feeling very well; I’m going to make him some tea.”

“S’okay, I understand,” Adam said, lifting his attention from his phone for a moment to speak to me, “And just say if you want me to help with anything, I don’t mind.”

“I think I’m good at the moment, but thanks,” I said to him, entering the kitchen and filling the kettle.

I looked out a teabag and a mug as the kettle boiled, picking a big mug as Phil was surely dehydrated. I let the tea bag soak for a while, before removing it and tossing it in the sink to dry out.

Returning to Phil with a steaming mug of tea, I paused to speak to Adam again, “Adam, I’m going to sit with Phil for a bit. Just help yourself to anymore food from the kitchen and if you could entertain yourself for a while, that would be fantastic. Just come through if you need anything though; Phil’s not contagious or anything.”

“Okay, sure,” Adam nodded, “I hope he feels a bit better soon.”

In our room, I handed Phil the tea, then climbed up onto the bed next to him. Once I’d settled next to him, Phil rested his head on my shoulder, periodically taking sips of the tea.

I turned my head to the side and looked down at him, “Hopefully this’ll make you feel better. I’ve told Adam to entertain himself for the moment as I don’t know what we’re doing about going out. I’m guessing you won’t be feeling up to that.”

“No, not now anyway. At the moment, I still want to be within stumbling distance of the toilet,” Phil told me, “Maybe later, when I feel less sick and shaky, and the empty hollow feeling has gone away.”

I could feel Phil shaking next to me, so I pulled up a blanket from the end of the bed and wrapped it around him. I cuddled him a little, hoping that would help to warm him up, and was quite shocked by the way Phil’s shaking vibrated through me as well. I hoped that with the tea, hugs and blankets, he would start to feel a bit better, but his skin was still had a translucent green tinge to it.

Phil pushed himself out of my embrace, “I think I might throw up.”

Phil started to stumble off towards the bathroom, with me following right behind to be there for him. Phil settled himself on the floor in front of the toilet, but nothing happened immediately. I gently rubbed my hand up and down his back, trusting his judgement that he was maybe going to be sick and waiting with him for when it happened.

After being there for a minute or two, the smell of the bathroom was starting to make me a little queasy, which certainly wouldn’t be doing Phil any good. I left Phil’s side for a minute to open the window wide, put the fan on and spray some air freshener. Phil was only going to feel worse otherwise. Maybe if the air was a little fresher, he might feel a bit better.

We stayed in front of the toilet for another five minutes, still nothing happening. Phil flopped back against me, maybe having realised that he wasn’t going to be sick after all.

He was still shaking and didn’t look any better, so I asked him how he was feeling, “D'you still think you’re going to be sick?”

“I don’t know…” Phil said, slowly, trailing off, “Maybe not, I’m not sure though.”

“I think the best place for you right now is bed,” I told him, “I’m gonna get you a bucket just in case and you can have a lie down.”

Phil agreed with me, so I gave him a hand up and supported him back through to our room. He was still trembling a lot, but hopefully sleeping would put his body on the fast track to recovery.

Once Phil was in bed and surrounded by plenty of blankets to keep him warm, I got the bucket, which I laid on the lot next to the bed. I was starting to doubt that Phil would actually be sick, but it was nice to have the peace of mind that it had somewhere to go if he did.

I found Phil some medicine that would hopefully calm his stomach a little. I was never entirely sure whether it would make a difference, but with Phil being so miserable and so far from his usual self, it was worth a shot.

I made sure Phil was comfortable in bed and had everything he needed,then stayed by his side until he fell asleep.

–

I flopped down on the sofa in the lounge with a sigh. Adam looked up at me, taking his attention off of his phone.

“Phil’s not good, I’m guessing?” he asked.

“No, he’s feeling sick and is really shaky,” I explained, “I’ve given him some medicine and he’s gone to sleep so hopefully he’ll feel better when he wakes up.”

“It’s just me and you for a while then,” I realised aloud, “What d’you want to do? We’ll see this afternoon if we go out, but I’m not leaving Phil until he’s feeling a bit better.”

“I don’t know, I’m happy with just playing video games or something,” Adam said, vaguely.

“Mario kart tournament?” I suggested, knowing that we could bat our indecision back and forwards forever if someone didn’t make their mind up.

“Yeah sure, sounds good,” Adam agreed, looking happy about the idea.

I don’t know where the thought came from, but suddenly it crossed my mind that tonight might be the night that Phil was working this week.

“Two minutes, I’ve just realised that Phil might be working tonight but I’m going to go check,” I explained to Adam, going to mine and Phil’s room and checking the calendar on his phone.

Sure enough, my suspicions were correct. Phil was meant to be working tonight; in fact, really this afternoon as he was on the earlier shift, from half four until nine.

Going into Phil’s email, where I knew his boss would’ve sent him a schedule, I was able to check who was on shift with him. There were a bunch of names that I didn’t really know, or had only heard Phil mention once or twice, and then halfway down the list there was Chris.

I’m sure Phil would find someone to take his shift if he felt too ill, but it was good to know that Phil would have a friend there to look out for him if he made it.

I returned Phil’s phone to his bedside table, then let Adam know that, yes, Phil was meant to be working. Okay, we wouldn’t be going out just now, but if Phil made it to work, Adam and I could go on a little walk somewhere and have some brother time.

Our Mario Kart tournament was great fun, both of us getting thoroughly competitive and winning about the same number of races each. We called it a draw, when after two tournaments we were tired of racing and had one a tournament each. Adam was a very close match; I’d like to see what would happen if we added Phil into the equation.

–

It was getting towards lunchtime when Phil awoke. I had been popping in periodically to check on him, but so far he’d been sound asleep each time. This time he said hello when I entered; he was lying on his side, blearily opening one eye to look at me.

I came over and perched on the edge of the bed next to him, to see how he was feeling.

“Are you feeling any better?” I asked him, putting my hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, I feel quite a bit better, apart from I feel really weak and I’m still shaking a bit,” Phil told me.

“Okay,” I nodded, my other hand finding his hand under the covers, “D'you want to bring your blankets and come through to the living room? Adam and I were playing Mario Kart, but we’ve stopped now so it should be pretty calm.”

“Okay,” Phil agreed, a little hesitantly, but it was still an agreement.

I stayed by his side as he got up and kept an arm around him as we walked through to the living room together. He’d said he was feeling weak and I could feel that in the way he moved: tiredly, as if he’d been on his feet all day and was about to pass out.

Phil happily flopped down on the sofa, pulling his duvet and blankets tighter around him. In the bright daylight of our lounge, he was looking noticeably better. I wondered if he’d be up for eating anything.

“Seeing as it’s lunchtime, would you like something to eat?” I asked him.

“I don’t know…” he replied, hesitantly, looking rather unsure.

“How about I heat up some soup? Heinz chicken noodle or something?” I suggested.

Phil agreed with an unsure ‘okay’, which sounded like he was at least up for giving it a shot, trying a little bit and seeing how he felt. I headed to the kitchen to heat up the soup, getting Adam to come with me so he could pick something out for his own lunch. We shared out the remainder of the soup which I wasn’t giving to Phil and each had a sandwich.

I sat with Phil on the sofa to eat my lunch, as he slurped on his soup slowly and a little hesitantly. Phil took quite a while  to get through his small portion of soup, but I was glad to see that he finished it. It came as a surprise to me when he got up to put his bowl in the dishwasher, instead of just laying it to the side or giving it to me.

“Has that made you feel a bit better?” I asked, as I joined him by the dishwasher to put Adam’s and my dishes in too.

“It has actually, I feel a bit stronger now,” he told me, “Less like a wobbly jelly and more like… more like myself.”

“That’s good,” I said, happy that he was feeling substantially better.

I followed Phil back to our sofa, where he settled amongst his mound of blankets, but didn’t wrap himself up in them.

“How are you feeling about going to work?” I asked him, “I had a look and you’re on the four-thirty shift, yeah?”

“Oh god, yeah,” Phil said, shock in his voice, “I’d forgotten about that… urm…”

Phil thought for a minute and then voiced his decision, “Although I could phone in sick, I’m going to go. I’m not contagious or anything; I’m just feeling a little weak and I’m sure I’ll feel better still by half four.”

“Anything else I can do for you to help you feel better?” I asked, “I’m happy to be your personal slave and let you relax on the sofa for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Do we have any energy drinks? Like lucozade or powerade or something?” Phil asked.

“I’ll go have a look; I know we had some when I…” I paused, hesitating over what I was saying, “Uhhh… wasn’t eating much, but I’ don’t know if we have any left.”

I went to the kitchen and rifled through all of the cupboards, but I wasn’t able to find any sorts of energy drinks. I came back to Phil with the news, “We don’t have any, but if you want, I’ll go out and buy some.”

“It’s fine, I’ll cope,” Phil said, sounding strangely cheery.

It only took a fraction of a second for me to realise that the cheer in his voice was false. Although he was a bit better, he wasn’t feeling that good. He was still a few shades paler than usual and I could sense from his floppy body language just how drained he was feeling.

“Let me rephrase that. I’m going to go out and get some,” I said firmly, knowing he needed it.

Phil didn’t even protest, just smiling weakly and saying thanks. I took Phil a bottle of water and his phone, making sure he had what he might need while I was gone.

I went to tell Adam what I was doing in case he wanted to come too, “Adam, I’m going to run down to the supermarket for five minutes; do you want to come?”

Adam did want to come, so I told him to go and get his shoes on whilst I did the same. I put on my coat, made sure I had all the necessities like phone, keys and anxiety medicine and picked up Phil’s car keys from the little table where the sat in our hallway. I kissed Phil a quick goodbye; I wouldn’t be away for long, but I couldn’t leave my soulmate for long without a farewell.

Our visit to Tesco was pretty quick, heading only to the drinks aisle and the ‘free from’ section. We bought Phil some more lactose free milk and some chocolate to cheer him up. In the end we got lucozade and powerade to give him a choice. Whatever I could do to help, I would. I paid for the stuff and we headed home quickly, so Phil could drink it and hopefully feel the effects all the sooner.

When we got home, Phil was still exactly where we left him, on the sofa. He had put the TV on and was watching the news; there couldn’t be anything great on at the moment then. After putting the milk away in the kitchen, I brought him through one of each drink. Phil thanked me and took the lucozade, which he immediately started guzzling like a thirsty little beaver, his shoulders hunched up to keep the duvet in place.

Phil started to look better, and when I asked him, it turned out that he did feel better. He seemed like himself again, sitting up straight and participating in conversation. I could now see that he would probably cope with work, but knowing that Chris was working too, I wanted to let him know how Phil had been feeling so he could keep an eye on him for me.

Telling Phil what I was doing first, I texted Chris to let him know:

_Phil’s not been feeling very well today, so could you keep an eye on him for me at work. He’s been diagnosed as lactose intolerant and he had some accidental milk this morning so it’s nothing contagious. Thanks, Dan._

I kept it fairly short and to the point, letting him know what he needed to know. A couple of minutes later I received a reply:

_Yeah sure, I’ll keep an eye on him. That’s a pity that he can’t have milk now, but thanks for letting me know._

I made Phil a light snack for his dinner; he didn’t want much until he was sure his body had completely recovered, so I did him something simple - toast with spread and jam, and an apple. Phil ate his small dinner with the accompaniment of some powerade, then got himself ready for work.

I made sure Phil took the car, to save the energy he would use in walking. Adam and I could walk wherever we decided to go. We didn’t have four and a half hours of work to do and neither were we ill and exhausted.

“Look after yourself,” I reminded Phil before he left, “Chris’ll be on the lookout for you, so if you’re not feeling good, there’s someone on hand to help. Text me or call me or something if you’ve got any problems.”

I watched out of the window as Phil got into his car and drove away. I hoped he would get on okay at work.

–

With not many places being open after five, other than restaurants, I decided I would take Adam out for dinner. It was certainly better than me cooking; despite a little training from Phil I still wasn’t much of a chef. I didn’t frequent any of the restaurants in town, but there was one place I felt okay with eating: the vegan place which Phil and I had take out from on the day we moved in. I found Adam a copy of their menu online before we committed to going. He was still a bit of a fussy eater and I didn’t want to take him somewhere that he wasn’t going to enjoy. To my relief, Adam informed me that there were a number of things on the menu that he was happy to eat.

Around half five, I told Adam to get ready and we headed out for six o’clock. That would give us plenty of time to eat and still be home before Phil. Now that I more or less had to take my anxiety medicine everywhere, I had got into the habit of making sure I had everything I needed before I left to go anywhere. Medication, keys, phone, wallet - I checked my pockets to make sure I had them all.

Adam and I walked to the restaurant, which was only about ten minutes away, on the main street. I made sure to avoid the back roads that would take me past the place where my ex worked. Being anywhere near her was not something I wanted.

I opted for one of my favourites from the menu: the kale, parsnip and pomegranate salad. Adam had what I think Phil had the last time, the vegetable stir fry. I enjoyed my meal, not feeling in the slightest guilty about what I’d eaten as it was all healthy and one-hundred percent organic. Adam cleared his plate, which was no surprise from him. For me, it wasn’t something that happened often unless it was a small portion served to me by Phil.

It was colder when we left the restaurant and I regretted not wearing more layers. Despite having nearly a healthy amount of body fat now, I still felt the cold. I felt it slightly less than I did back when I’d met Phil, but it still left me with a lingering chill right down to my bones.

When Adam and I got in, I settled on the sofa with the duvet that Phil had left there earlier. We generally slept in a mess of jumbled blankets and two duvets; a remnant of the days when I got even colder than I did now. After moving in together, we’d never chosen one duvet, we just slept with them both. Technically the duvet that was on the sofa was originally Phil’s, but they were both just  _ours_ now.

I pulled it around me and hoped it would help me warm up a little; but deep down I knew the chill would linger in my bones for a while. I could probably do with a hot drink, but I would wait until Phil was home.

“Dan, are you okay?” Adam asked me, “You’re getting pretty intimate with that duvet.”

“I’m fine,” I told him, “I just feel the cold a lot, it’s not really anything to worry about. I still don’t have quite as much body fat as I should.”

“Ahh right,” he mumbled, “Yeah, are you doing better these days?”

“Yeah, quite a bit,” I told him honestly, “I’m around a healthy weight. Phil still thinks I should weigh a bit more, but I don’t think I can do it. I’m still not completely happy with my body, but Phil’s helped me learn to like it a bit more. My main problem at the moment is the anxiety disorder I’ve been landed with as a result. Anything related to my ex-girlfriend can trigger it, which was why I wasn’t feeling so great after I saw her when we walked past her work yesterday. I had a really bad attack at the weekend when I was at Phil’s house for his birthday. Phil’s brother accidentally touched my stomach - I was just in my underwear as I was going to bed - and it started off like flashbacks to what happened with her.”

“Do the antidepressants help much?” Adam asked.

“Yeah,” I said, taking a couple of deep breaths because I felt anxious even thinking about Nora, “They make me feel a lot less anxious in general. The doctor tried to change the medication I was on a few weeks ago and I had a pretty bad time for a week or so, so I’m back on what I started with, which actually helps. I’ve got another medication to help when I actually have a panic attack, which work by slowing down my heart rate. They’re the ones I always make sure I have with me, because even with Phil’s help I can get into quite a state if I don’t have them to help me through it.”

Adam looked stunned for a second, “Anxiety sounds harder than I thought.”

“Yeah, it’s not easy,” I confirmed, “Phil helps me a lot and I talk to a mental health therapist sometimes. That reminds me, I need to book an appointment.”

I pulled my phone from my pocket to set a reminder for me to do that tomorrow. I wanted the appointment for after Adam had headed home, but knew that I needed it pretty soon. The panic attack come flashback at the weekend had really put a hole in my confidence.

As I had my phone out, I realised that it was now a couple of minutes past now. Phil’s shift would have just finished, so it wouldn’t be long before he was home. I got up from the sofa, taking the duvet with me, and went to watch at the window

“I’m watching for Phil,” I explained to Adam, “I want to see him coming so I can greet him at the door.”

Sure enough, a couple of minutes later, a familiar car turned into the car park. I saw Phil get out and by chance, he happened to glance up at the window. I waved at Phil and smiled, knowing he’d be able to see me as I was lit from behind and it was dark outside. Phil waved back, before ducking into the building.

I made my way to the front door and waited for Phil to come up the stairs. After a minute, I opened the door, and there was Phil, three steps from the landing.

“Hi,” I greeted him, pulling him into a hug as he reached the door, “How’re you doing?”

“I’m really tired and I still feel a little weird,” Phil admitted, less than willing to break away from me.

“Get some pyjamas on, then come and join Adam and I in the lounge. I’ll make you a hot drink,” I told him, “And I’ll even share the duvet!”

Once Phil had disappeared into our room to get changed, I headed for the kitchen. I decided I’d make him a hot chocolate, with his lacto-free milk of course.

“I’m making hot chocolate, d’you want one?” I asked Adam as I passed him by.

His answer was yes, so I would now be making three hot chocolates. They might not quite live up to the standard of Phil’s, but I’d do my best. It turned out that a number of non-instant hot chocolates were dairy free, so we had no problem with Phil on that one; we just changed the milk he had it with.

As I made the hot chocolates, I kept a tab on which one was Phil’s. I’d picked out one of his favourite mugs and made sure to make his drink in it. It would kill me if I made him sick, so I was very careful.

It took me about five minutes, but soon there were three steaming cups of hot chocolate on the counter. I loaded them onto a tray and took them through to the living room. I handed Adam a hot chocolate then laid mine and Phil’s on the table beside me.

I spread the duvet across my lap, then lifted it up in the middle to leave a gap between my legs where Phil could sit. It wasn’t long before Phil walked into the room, now in his pyjamas, with a blanket already draped around his shoulders. I patted the space between my legs and invited him to sit down. I knew that I’d promised myself not to show too much affection to Phil in front of Adam, but sometimes exceptions had to be made.

Once Phil was settled, I reached out for his hot chocolate and passed it to him, “One lactose free hot chocolate.”

“Thanks,” Phil said, smiling tiredly and taking a sip, “It’s pretty good.”

“Am I right that’s one of your favourite mugs?” I asked him, gesturing to the mug he was holding, “I made it in that so I wouldn’t get it mixed up with mine and Adam’s.”

“Yeah, it is,” Phil nodded happily, “Thank you.”

The three of us all sipped our hot chocolate in peace, Adam alone on his sofa and Phil snuggled up in a blanket between my legs. It was clear from his cuddliness how tired he was, but I didn’t quite know the full extent of it until his head tipped back at a funny angle and so too did the remainder of his hot chocolate. He’d fallen asleep before he even got to finish it.

I reached out and grabbed the hot chocolate, taking it from him before he spilt it everywhere. I laid it down on the table, before figuring out what to do with the half asleep Phil. In his current state, he was just dozing off, but I knew I needed to get him to bed before he fell into a deep sleep.

“Phil,” I said, shaking him slightly, trying to wake him up enough to get him to bed.

“Hmm?” Phil mumbled sleepily.

“Time to go to bed,” I told, moving so I was sitting next to him and linking our arms around each other, “Come on, get up.”

Phil got up with me and I walked with him through to our room. I knew he hadn’t brushed his teeth, but I could tell there was no way that was going to be happening. He was half asleep and stumbling as we walked and the most sensible idea was to just plop him straight into bed. I made sure he looked comfortable before pulling the duvet up around him. He’d never really woken up, so he was back asleep in no time.

With it barely even being ten yet, I knew Adam and I would be staying up for a bit longer. We hadn’t had the exerting day that Phil had. Adam and I fell back onto discussing how his soulmate was doing. Adam could sense that he was feeling really tense and tired, so using his new found levels of communication through the bond, he tried to suggest something to help.

Remarkably, he was able to put the idea into his soulmate’s head of going for a bath, and it worked! After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, Adam was now able to tell me that he was running a bath. It was clear even to me once his soulmate was in the bath, because Adam started visibly relaxing too. However, Adam didn’t seem relaxed for long, suddenly looking a little red in the face and beginning to look a bit uncomfortable.

“M sorry, Dan, he’s getting himself off and… oh god… umm I need to go sort myself out,” Adam stuttered suddenly, blushing a deep red, getting to his feet and very unsubtly holding the crotch of his pants.

Realising what was happening, I felt a little second hand embarrassment, but knew he needed to go and take care of himself pretty quickly, “You got everything you need? You don’t need any lube or anything?”

“I’m alright, I don’t really go there,” he stammered, still looking incredibly embarrassed.

“Right,” I said, tossing him the box of tissues from the table, “Have fun, take these to clean up the mess and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Adam stuttered out a ‘goodnight’ before waddling off to his room with one hand down his pants and the other carrying the box of tissues. I remembered how easily it was to get turned on at fifteen, and just how embarrassing it could get when you found a boner springing up in front of people. I would leave him alone until morning, making sure he got the privacy he needed.

As I sat in the living room, some noises from Adam’s room started to filter their way through. They were quiet enough not to wake Phil, but I felt a bit uncomfortable with what I was hearing. Phil’s laptop and a pair of headphones were laying on the coffee table, so I decided I would make use of them and watch some YouTube videos for a bit.

After a while, I felt my eyelids started to droop and I was losing the ability to focus on what I was watching. That was when I knew it was time to go and join Phil in bed. Taking the duvet from the sofa with me, I got myself ready for bed, then climbed in next to Phil. I must’ve disturbed him a little when I got into bed, as he rolled over and cuddled up next to me.

“Love you, Dan,” he mumbled as he cuddled into my chest.

“I love you too, Phil,” I mumbled, back, putting an arm around him and taking up the position of big spoon.


	21. Interference

**Dan’s POV:**

The next day, it seemed that both Adam and his soulmate were feeling a lot better. I suspected it was probably their first sexual experience together as soulmates, even if they hadn’t been physically together. It wasn’t something that Phil and I had been able to experience, but I was willing to bet it was quite something.

Wednesday and Thursday flew by in a jumble of activities with a couple of meals out thrown in there. Nothing terribly eventful happened; Phil and I were both careful about what we ate and felt fine as a result. Phil did find himself having to ask if something contained dairy, and with it being a fairly healthy place, I got on okay.

We went out both days: going to an old car show that was happening in the next town and doing a little bit of shopping with Adam. He hadn’t had any luck with meeting his soulmate, but their bond was quickly getting stronger. Adam was spending a lot of time in his head, trying to help his soulmate. He was probably still borderline suicidal, but both parties were feeling the bond strengthening and that meant something.

With it now being Friday lunchtime, we were getting ready for Phil’s doctors appointment. There had initially been the possibility of Phil’s mum going with him so I could stay with Adam, but she’d had something else on. Okay, maybe we could’ve left Adam at our flat, but I still didn’t quite feel he was stable enough to be left on his own.

We left about two o’clock, giving us plenty of time as the appointment was at quarter past. I drove us there, as although he had no reason to be, Phil seemed a little anxious. I’d make sure to go into the appointment with him so I could be there if he needed me.

Phil checked in at the front desk to let them know he was here, then the three of us went to sit in the waiting area. We hadn’t been sitting down long when I noticed Adam starting to act a little weird. He seemed to be holding his head as if it was hurting him and he looked really dazed.

“Adam?” I said, trying to get his attention, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” Adam mumbled, “There’s like some weird interference with my soulmate bond and I don’t know what’s happening, it’s making my head hurt.”

“Okay,” I nodded, taking in what he was saying but not being sure what to do, “I’ll stay with you when Phil goes for his appointment and maybe we can go outside and see if that helps.”

“Thanks,” Adam, nodded, burying his head in his hands again.

I’m sure he’d heard most of what was happening, but I relayed the situation to Phil, apologising that I wouldn’t be coming with him into his appointment after all. Phil took it okay, I knew he would. He understood that what was going on with Adam was a lot more complex and unpredictable than his appointment.

I took Phil’s hand in mine as he waited to be called, giving him what little comfort I could. In doing so, I noticed the guy who had given me weird looks for holding Phil’s hand last week. He was back, but this time with a teenage boy next to him. It struck me that he was maybe around sixteen or seventeen. He looked a little older than Adam, with the clear beginnings of some facial hair and a more developed figure. What puzzled me, however, was the relationship between the two of them. The boy was clearly not comfortable with the older man. Even as an onlooker, I could see the tension between them. There was a resemblance, so I knew they must be related, but I couldn’t quite figure out how.

“Phil Lester?” the doctor’s voice broke through my thoughts and made Phil jump in his seat.

I let go of Phil’s hand, allowing him to get up. I mumbled a little goodbye to him, telling him that I would see him soon. If Adam and I weren’t here when he returned, the furthest we would be was outside. I watched as he made his way over to the doctor, relieved when he was welcomed with a comforting smile. Phil was in good hands.

Adam’s state hadn’t changed either way and I was about to suggest going outside, when my attention flicked back to the teenager sat across from us. He didn’t seem to be having too great a time either. He had his head tipped to one side, resting on his hand. His eyes were rimmed with red and his sleeves were pulled up to his fingertips.

I was just trying to figure out what sort of problem he might be here with - it wasn’t uncommon for me to start analysing other patients in waiting rooms - when he made eye contact with me. At first he looked startled, which anyone would if they realised they were being watched. Then some kind of recognition crossed his expression which puzzled me. I shouldn’t know him should I? I followed his gaze more carefully and realised that it was actually focused on Adam. Surely they wouldn’t know each other.

Turning my attention away so I wasn’t so clearly watching, I listened in to what he said, “Dad that guy over there is an old friend who I haven’t seen in years… I’m gonna go talk to him.”

He started to make his way over but I was still in too deep thought to let Adam know. I guess he must be someone who used to go to Adam’s school and then moved up North. That would be the only explanation.

“Dan,” Adam said, urgently, “Dan, I don’t know what’s happening. I’m like seeing myself from across the room and hearing everything twice and my head hurts so much.”

I was about to try and find a doctor who could help him, when a realisation crossed my mind. The boy walking across the room. Adam seeing himself from across the room. The interference. This was his soulmate.

“Adam, it’s your soulmate, he’s here,” I told him positively, lifting pushing his hands away from his head and forcing him to look across the room.

Adam looked up and the expression of his face transformed immediately to one of wonder; his eyes wide in surprise and a smile on his face. The boy reached us and Adam immediately got up to hug him, not even saying a thing.

I watched as they hugged. I could tell there was more being exchanged between them than just a simple embrace. They hugged for what seemed like the best part of a minute, before finally, they collapsed back into the seats.

It was only now that they formally introduced themselves. I guess they still hadn’t been able to exchange names through their minds, even in that moment of meeting.

“I’m Ethan,” the boy said.

“Adam,” Adam replied.

They proceeded to talk very quietly; I presumed so that Ethan’s dad wouldn’t figure out that he’d met his soulmate. For the five minutes that followed, they wouldn’t stop talking. I couldn’t hear any of what they were saying, but that didn’t bother me.

They were interrupted when another doctor came through to the waiting room, calling out “Ethan Barclay?”

“That’s me,” Ethan mumbled, getting to his feet.

“I’ll talk to you when you’re out, okay,” Adam said to him.

“Okay,” Ethan said, heading away with a small smile on his face.

Adam and I watched Ethan head over to the doctor. His dad didn’t follow him, not even glancing up to watch his son walk away. Okay, maybe Ethan hadn’t wanted him to join, but the fact he didn’t even look up showed their relationship wasn’t the best.

I knew Adam would be doing his best to keep a neutral expression, but I could tell there was a lot going on in his head at the moment. He was smiling, but also shaking at the same time.

“You okay?” I asked him, putting an arm around his shoulders, “It’s a lot, isn’t it.”

“I-I’m fine, just a little shaken up,” he said, stumbling over his words, “I wasn’t expecting that. Oh god, I’m so glad I’ve met him, but we can’t let his dad know, so I’m trying to keep a straight face.”

“Good plan,” I mumbled to him, “Now, seeing as he used the excuse of you being an old friend he hasn’t seen in years, we can see if his dad’ll let him come over or something. Like we’ll wait ‘til he’s back out from his appointment, but I’m happy to go over and speak to him.”

“That would be good,” Adam said, “I’d better come too though, and make a good impression.”

–

Phil came out of his appointment and made his way over to us, looking slightly puzzled, probably about why we hadn’t stood up to go. I mock patted the seat next to me, gesturing for him to sit down. At first, I made no explanation, starting with asking him how the appointment had been.

“We just talked about how I’ve been feeling over the last week. I explained that I’d felt fine every day apart from that little milk incident. We’ve agreed that it’s definitely lactose intolerance,” Phil told me, sounding a lot more relaxed now that the appointment was over. “I’m to continue avoiding it, but he says that I may find that things with minimal amounts of milk are okay, like popcorn with a splash in the ingredients.”

“You feeling a bit better about things now?” I asked him, my hand sliding across his lap to find his.

“Yeah, I’m happy to have it confirmed and I feel like I can get on with my life now, even despite a few dietary adjustments,” Phil said cheerily, “It was horrible not knowing what was making me sick, but it’s okay now.”

“I’m glad,” I said, happy for him, “But I’m here for you if it ever gets too much.”

“Thanks,” Phil mumbled happily, “Umm, why are we still here?”

“Well…” I started, unable to stop a smile from forming on my face as the news was so exciting, “Adam’s met his soulmate.”

From the fact I was whispering, Phil gathered that he wasn’t to make a big thing about it. He looked at me, a little puzzled, wanting me to explain.

“His name’s Ethan. He had to go for his appointment, but Adam’s gonna speak to him once he’s out. Ethan’s dad thinks that Adam is an old friend, so we’re hoping we can invite him over to our flat for a bit so they can get to know each other, or ‘catch up’,” I explained in hushed tones to Phil.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, looking excited but a tad concerned, “Ethan… d’you know if he’s okay?”

“Well he’s alive and I saw him smiling, so that’s two positives,” I explained, “Okay, he did look like he’d been crying not long ago and he had his sleeves pulled up to hide his wrists, but I think he’ll get through this.”

The three of us waited there for Ethan came back out of his appointment. He wandered through the waiting room, stopping at the counter to organise his next appointment. He spoke to his dad for the best part of thirty seconds, before making his way back over to us. This time, Phil and I got a proper introduction to him and he learned that I was his soulmate’s brother.

Before he could get involved in too much of a conversation with Adam, I mentioned to him what I’d mentioned to Adam and Phil, “Adam’s staying with me and Phil at the moment, but we wondered if you’d like to come over to our flat and ‘catch up’.”

Ethan nodded, “Yeah, that would be fantastic, but I’m not sure if my dad will let me.”

“Well we’ll come over with you when you ask him,” I said confidently, “Phil and I know what you’ve been going through, so we get that he might be a little hesitant.”

“Thanks,” he said, running a hand through his hair nervously.

I noticed as he ran his hand through his hair that his sleeve slipped, revealing a number of red scars, but I averted my eyes and didn’t say anything.

I realised that there was nothing stopping us from going to ask Ethan’s dad now, so we got up and headed over there to see him. I did the talking, kindly asking Ethan’s dad if he would mind us having him for the afternoon. I mentioned how it would be good for them to have a catch up and that Phil and I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

After asking a couple of questions, such as where we lived and what relation I was to Adam, he eventually agreed. However, he wanted a word with me alone before we left. I sent Phil out to the car with Adam and Ethan and spoke to Mr Barclay within the waiting room.

“That’s your soulmate isn’t it, he said, what’s his name?” he asked me.

“Phil,” I responded, nervous as I knew this man was very homophobic.

“Well, I want you and Phil showing no affection in front of my son, okay. It’s wrong for you to be with someone of the same gender and I don’t want this tainting my son,” he said, firmly, “In fact, if it was down to me, I wouldn’t even let him go to your flat in the first place, but I can tell it means a lot to him, catching up with your brother. He’s been going through some hard times of recent and although our relationship is a bit strained at the moment, I’m doing this to make him happy.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “I understand. Well personally I don’t agree with your viewpoint, but Phil and I can keep our hands off each when he’s there; that is fine.”

“Thank you,” he said, a strained smile on his face as he clearly had to try to be polite, “Now, as I said, he’s been going through some hard times recently. He’s tried to take his life… twice. Just keep an eye on him for me; I don’t want him to miss out on his future with a good job and a nice wife.”

“I will do,” I promised him, “Phil and I are going to be at home the whole afternoon and we’ll make sure to keep an eye on him.”

“Okay, thank you,” he said, “Ethan has his phone, make sure he calls me for a lift home. He can’t be out on the streets by himself.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “Equally, Phil or I can give him a lift and save you the bother.”

“That would be great, but still get him to let me know when he’s on his way,” he finished, “Right, goodbye… Dan.”

–

The four of us headed for the car; Phil drove this time as he no longer had the nerves about his appointment. I sat with Phil in the front whilst Adam and Ethan sat in the back. The two of them were talking a lot already and I knew I should think up a couple of ground rules for them. It wouldn’t be hard for two teenagers to get carried away and have sex before they were ready. Being destined to be together for life doesn’t necessarily mean you should jump each other the first time you meet.

Finally making my decision on what was best for them, I spoke up to let them know, “Adam, you and Ethan can go into your room as long as you keep the door open.”

Adam groaned, “C’mon Dan, why?”

“Adam, you’re fifteen and I know what it’s like being a teenager. I’m not letting you two get carried away when you’ve only just met,” I explained.

Adam produced another disgruntled noise, then raised his eyebrows at Ethan. It unsettled me a little to know that they communicating through just their thoughts.

“You’re fifteen?” Ethan said aloud, after a delay.

“Yeah,” Adam replied, a little stunned, “Why, what age are you?”

“Seventeen, only by a couple of weeks though,” Ethan explained.

“Ahh okay,” Adam said, now looking more calm, “I’m nearly sixteen; my birthday’s on the twenty-fifth.”

“Oooh so you’re not legal yet,” Ethan teased, “No wonder you’re brother’s all worried about that.”

“Shut up,” Adam said, turning red.

I was quite amused by how the pair of them were getting on already, though really it should’ve been no surprise since their souls have known each other their whole lives. I stopped listening into their conversation when Ethan brought up the other night, as their mutual masturbation was not something I really needed to hear about, as interesting as it was.

Phil pulled into the car park for our block of flats, where Adam and Ethan had to momentarily pause their conversation to get out the car. After informing Ethan that we were on the second floor, I handed Adam my key and told the two of them to go on ahead.

Phil and I took it a little more slowly, feeling a bit like old men in comparison to the two teenagers. When we went through our front door, a couple of minutes after the other two, I found two pairs of matching Vans abandoned on the floor. I found that quite endearing, that they happened to have been wearing the same shoes.

I was glad to see that Adam had listened to my request and kept the door open. He and Ethan were both sitting cross-legged on the bed, one at either end, talking to each other. As I was heading to the kitchen anyway, to get myself something to drink, I thought I would be a hospitable host and ask them if they wanted a drink too.

“Do you guys want anything to drink?” I asked, standing in the doorway.

“Yeah, umm some ribena would be nice,” Adam said, knowing that was something that we had.

“What do you have?” Ethan asked, “Like fanta or lucozade or something? It was a blood test I was in for and I’m feeling kinda… ehh…”

“Yeah, we’ve got lucozade,” I said, thinking of when Phil needed it earlier in the week.

“Thanks,” Ethan said, as I left the room and headed for the kitchen.

I made three glasses of ribena and took one of the lucozades out the cupboard. I left mine and Phil’s in the kitchen and took the drinks through to Adam and Ethan. Adam now seemed to be hugging Ethan, or at least holding him in a slightly odd way.

I didn’t think much of it until Adam spoke up, “Dan, he’s feeling dizzy, what do I do?”

“Right, he needs to lay down,” I said, laying the drinks down on the bedside table and helping Ethan off Adam and down onto the bed.

I don’t think he actually passed out, but he was certainly close to it. Once he was safely laying down and Adam was no longer freaking out quite so much, I pulled a chair across the room and sat down to speak to them.

“Ethan, you’re going to be okay. You just need to lay down for a minute and then get up slowly,” I explained, “I’ve brought you lucozade so that’ll help.”

“Are you feeling sick at all?” I asked him, feeling that was important to ask as it often went with dizziness.

“No,” he mumbled, “But I feel kinda weird.”

“Have you eaten today?” I asked, knowing that often you couldn’t eat before a blood test.

“No,” he said, “Not since… lunch yesterday.”

“Oh god, right,” I said, “I’m going to get you something to eat. D’you like… uhh… ham sandwiches?”

“Yeah, they’re okay, thanks,” he agreed.

“Okay, stay lying down for the moment, I’ll be back in a couple minutes,” I explained, again hurrying off for the kitchen.

I roped Phil in to help, knowing that he’d be able to help me get the sandwich-making done faster. I explained to him what was happening and he jumped up to help.

“Maybe grab him one of those energy drinks?” Phil suggested as he cut up the sandwiches.

“Already done,” I said, “I was going to get it for him and I came back to him almost passing out on Adam.”

I took the sandwiches from Phil and took them through to Adam’s room. Adam gave him a hand to sit up and lean against the headboard, then I passed him the food and drink.

“Something similar happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I had a blood test,” I explained, “Drink up and have some of the sandwiches and you’ll feel better in no time.”

I made sure Adam knew to shout if there were any problems, then left the room and headed back to the living room to be with Phil. Neither of us had any plans for the afternoon, so cuddling lazily on the sofa seemed like a nice idea.

“I really hope everything goes more smoothly for them now,” Phil mused, “Like they’ve both been hurting so much, I hope knowing each other will help.”

“Yeah, same,” I said, “But I feel like it’s gonna kill Adam when he has to go back home on Sunday and leave him here.”

“Oh god, yeah,” Phil exclaimed, “I hadn’t thought about that.”

“We’ll see how things come together over the weekend, but I’m gonna make sure Ethan has our contact numbers,” I explained to Phil, “So if anything happens he’s got someone around here who understands.”

“Yeah, good plan,” Phil agreed.

After an hour or so, I went to check on Adam and Ethan. I wanted to see how they were doing without getting in their face and I trusted that Adam would’ve let me know if they’d needed anything.

This time as I arrived in the doorway, I found them cuddling, Adam being the big spoon, with his arms around Ethan, who looked a little teary-eyed.

“You guys doing okay?” I asked, startling them slightly.

At this, Ethan moved to hide his face in Adam’s chest and it was Adam who replied, “He’s not feeling too great, but we’re talking about it.”

“Ahh ‘kay, I’ll leave you to it,” I said, not wanting to intrude, “Let me know if you need anything?”

“Actually Dan,” Adam started, “I know it’s not quite the same, but you’ve had issues with yourself, how d’you make yourself feel better?”

“Ehmm,” I started, trying to think about how I could relate my own experiences to Ethan’s, “To be honest, it was Phil that helped me to feel better. Like yes, it was me that actually had to take the action and start eating again and learn to love my body again, but Phil was by my side to encourage me. I wasn’t strong enough to feel better by myself, but Ethan has you now, so maybe he doesn’t need to be either. Lots of cuddles are good and talking about your feelings is by far one of the best things you can do. I think you two are on the right track already, which is good.”

“Were you… anorexic then?” Ethan asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, well being bulimic was my biggest issue, but I had anorexic tendencies too,” I explained, “I don’t think I’ve completely recovered, but I’m getting by. Accepting I had a problem was the biggest struggle for me.”

“Ahh,” Ethan nodded, “I know Adam’s told you about my dad and how I’ve tried…”

Ethan paused, looking like he was struggling to continue. After a couple of seconds intently looking at Adam, he continued, “T-takingmylife, but… I’m really struggling about how my Dad’s going to disown me if he knows about Adam. I really don’t know what to do, because I’m destined to be with Adam, but I’m going to lose my family and although they’re homophobic, it’s still scary because I’m only seventeen and I’m going to be losing all their support and I haven’t even finished high school yet. Until today, I just felt like it would be easier to end it all. I know that makes me such a wuss; I’ve heard that enough times from my dad over the last month or so, but I’m scared. I just wish he would be more open minded and I could have both, but I guess I’m going to have to be secretive about Adam and I don’t know how long that could last.”

Ethan broke down after saying all that, apologising to Adam as he started sobbing into his chest. Adam insisted it was fine and I could see him trying to be comforting, rubbing his hand up and down Ethan’s back. It saddened me to see how broken he was, but at the same time, I could see a bit of me and Phil in the earlier days of our relationship in them. I was about to back off to give them some space when Ethan took a couple of deep breaths and managed to calm himself a bit.

“Sorry for dumping all of that on you, Dan,” he said, “I…”

“It’s fine,” I told him, “Honestly, I know I haven’t gone through the same things, but I know what it’s like to be struggling and spilling emotions everywhere. Also, I know it’s not much, but Phil and I will be able to help you out if you do find yourself out on the street or anything.”

“Thanks,” Ethan said, smiling tearfully, “I’d been thinking about how I’d have nowhere to go, so that makes me feel a lot better.”

“While it’s on my mind, can I just give you me and Phil’s numbers?” I asked him, “Clearly I’m hoping things will turn out okay, but as a precaution.”

Ethan agreed that was an idea and passed me his phone. I put in my number and then pulled my phone out my pocket to find Phil’s. I made sure to save Ethan as a contact in my phone, so I would know who it was if he’d called. In doing this, Adam and Ethan realised that they should probably exchange numbers too. They’d been so caught up in having just met each other that it hadn’t quite crossed their minds yet.

“Dan, we need to let Mum and Dad know,” Adam said suddenly, a tad excited.

“Oh yeah,” I laughed, knowing they would be over the moon to know, “Can I send her a picture?”

Adam and Ethan agreed and posed for a picture, not moving from the cuddly position they were in. I had to admit, it was very cute and I knew our mum would love it. I sent it to her, along with a little caption about Ethan.

This is Ethan, Adam’s soulmate. They met this afternoon about half past two, in the doctor’s waiting room, as Phil was in for an appointment. They’re both very happy to have met. Ethan isn’t very good mentally, but I think having met Adam is going to help him a lot. It’ll be difficult as they live so far apart, but I’m sure they’ll figure something out. A lot of hugs (and tears) have been exchanged so far this afternoon, but I think all is good.

It was a couple of minutes before our mum replied, but she was as excited as I’d imagined. Her text contained lots of exclamation marks and she wanted me to congratulate them on her behalf.

“Mum says congrats, with about a billion exclamation marks,” I told Adam, “She’s happy for you guys.”

“Ethan, are you staying for dinner?” I asked, “No idea what we’re having yet, but Phil will cook something up to suit.”

“Umm, I don’t know, I’d like to but….” he paused.

“But?” I asked, “You got an allergy or something?”

“No, I’ll just need to text my dad and see,” he said, hesitantly.

“Okay, just come and let Phil and I know when you know,” I said, heading back to the living room to be with Phil and discuss dinner.

It turned out that Phil had been thinking of making chilli chicken, which sounded pretty good to me. I knew Adam liked spicy stuff, so that would be fine it was just the three of us, but I didn’t really know about Ethan’s tastes.

Adam and Ethan came through to the living room about ten minutes later, with the news that Ethan could stay for dinner. He was now beaming, a nice change from his earlier tears. I was glad to see him looking happy.

“How d’you like chilli chicken?” Phil asked him, “That’s what I was thinking of making for dinner, but equally I can do something else.”

“Uhh… I do like chilli,” Ethan said hesitantly, “But I’ve had a bit of a sensitive stomach since I got it pumped, so umm probably something else would be best.”

“Chicken casserole?” Phil suggested, “Just fairly plain, no spices - would that be okay?”

“That would be great thanks,” Ethan said, looking a bit more relaxed.

–

Phil spent the next hour or so cooking. I lent a hand to chop up the vegetables and stir the pot now and then, but it was best just to leave it to him. In the end, the meal was delicious, and it suited everyone, which was ideal. It was so good that I actually found myself going up for more, which surprised Phil no end.

All four of us stayed in the living room after dinner, not really doing anything other than chatting. Phil and I had commandeered our usual sofa, but Adam and Ethan were happily cuddled up on the other one.

I realised that having seconds maybe hadn’t been such a good idea when I started to feel a bit nauseous and bloated. My body wasn’t used to that much food. I let Phil know that I wasn’t feeling so good, but there wasn’t really much we could do other than wait it out and hope I felt better. Phil became a little more cuddly after I told him that, and was more than happy to be the one to take Ethan home when I asked him.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

At half nine, it was time for me to take Ethan home. Originally Dan was going to do it, but he’d eaten a bit too much at dinner and was feeling a little off. It wasn’t anything to worry about, but he was much better off staying snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket and a glass of water than going out in the car.

I decided not to take Adam with me, because I knew that would make the whole trip longer as they’d have to say their goodbyes in the car. It was much easier for them to do that in our flat, where they had more time and didn’t have the risk of Ethan’s dad peering out of a window.

For them, saying goodbye consisted of a long hug, a few words and probably many exchanged thoughts. Adam finished it off with a kiss to Ethan’s cheek, something small which had him blushing a deep pink. I couldn’t be sure, as they’d been alone in Adam’s room most of the time, but I suspected they hadn’t actually kissed yet so that small action was really something quite big in their relationship front.

Adam looked a little sad as we left, which didn’t surprise me. It was a well known fact that leaving your soulmate was hard, but particularly so when you’d just met and everything about your relationship was uncertain. As I started the engine of the car, I looked up to our lounge window and saw Adam’s shape silhouetted against the darkness. I couldn’t make out his facial features, but from his posture, I could tell he was sad.

I think he must’ve seen me looking, because he started to wave. I realised it was probably Ethan he was wanting to wave to so I let him know.

“Ethan look up, Adam’s waving to you,” I told him, now starting to move off.

I reversed slowly, giving them a little longer to wave to each other before finally pulling out of the car park. Ethan directed me to where he lived, which wasn’t too far away. It was past the park and more towards the restaurant, not too far from where Dan and I used to live. As we pulled up outside his house, the lights came on in the car and I turned around to see him.

He was crying a little and I could tell it was just him struggling with the thought of leaving Adam. Either that or he was dreading going back in to face his dad.

“You’re stronger than you think,” I told him, trying to be encouraging, “You can do this. Adam’s still going to be here tomorrow and Sunday morning, so if you’re parents are okay with it, you’re more than welcome to come over. After Sunday, he’ll still only be a phone call away, and as Dan said, I know it’s not the same, but we’ll be around.”

After an attempt at a smile and a wipe of his eyes, Ethan thanked me and headed into his house. I watched him go and made sure he was in his front door before I left.

I headed back home, where it turned out that Adam had been feeling a bit sad too. Dan had been trying to cheer him up, or at least trying to. He wasn’t feeling too great, so his cheering up skills maybe weren’t quite as polished as usual.

“Ethan was crying in the car about having to leave you,” I told him, “You guys, shouldn’t be so sad. You’ve met and that’s amazing and you can now talk to each other even if it’s over the phone.”

“Actually,” Dan started, “Why not go do that. Text him and get him to call you when he’s ready.”

Adam went to do that, then proceeded to be on the phone to him for the next hour. Meanwhile, I was cuddling with Dan on the sofa. He was feeling a little bit better, but he still had a bit of a stomach ache. I’d sorted him out with some peppermint tea and a hot water bottle then got a couple of blankets to make things cosy.

I think Dan’s stomach slowly started to settle, because eventually he seemed a lot more relaxed. It was hard to tell because he was still looking pretty miserable.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” I asked him, smoothly running my hands over his stomach.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said, flatly, “My stomach’s better, but I just feel a bit sad for some reason.”

“D’you know why?” I asked him softly.

“Not really, no,” he replied, “I mean I’m happy for Adam, but I think I’ve just had a long day.”

“Shall we maybe head for bed then?” I suggested, “Sounds like you could do with some sleep.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan replied, not really sounding like his heart was in it.

Knowing he needed the encouragement, I got up with Dan from the sofa and guided him through to our bedroom.

“Find yourself some cosy pyjamas, go and brush your teeth and get yourself comfortable,” I told him, “I’m going to lock up and say goodnight to Adam then I’ll join you.”

I made sure that everything that needed to be was locked or turned off, before making my way to the guest room, where Adam was still on the phone. I knocked and waited until he invited me in. He’d clearly paused his conversation to talk to me as I could see from the phone he held in his hand that the call was still ongoing.

“Dan and I are going to bed,” I told him, “I know it’s maybe a bit early for you, but you should get off the phone soon and think about heading to bed, yourself.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll do that soon,” Adam nodded, “Is Dan feeling any better?”

“A bit yeah, but he’s still not that good; I think he’s super tired,” I explained.

“Okay,” Adam nodded, “Well I won’t keep him up by talking; I’ll say goodnight to Ethan and get myself to bed.”

“Great, thanks,” I said, smiling, “You and Ethan feeling a bit happier now?”

“Yeah; it just felt a bit soon to leave him, but it’s really reassuring to speak to him on the phone,” Adam explained, a small smile on his face.

As I left and headed back to mine and Dan’s room, I heard Adam finishing up his call and saying goodbye. I didn’t wait around to hear if any ‘ _I love you_ ’s were exchanged, but I wouldn’t have put it past them; they were really close pretty quickly.

Dan was sitting up in bed with the duvet wrapped around him, looking sleepy. I told him that I would be with him in two minutes and headed into the bathroom to quickly whizz my toothbrush around my mouth. Finally, I tossed on some pyjamas and got into bed with him, pulling up the corner of the duvet and sliding in next to him,

We cuddled for a little while before we tried to get to sleep, really waiting until Adam had stopped making noise.  I could hear him running water in the bathroom, so I was glad he’d listened and actually got ready for bed now, rather than later.

The peaceful cuddling didn’t last long before it became peaceful sleeping on Dan’s part. He fell asleep in my arms before I had even put the lamp off, so I had to carefully reach out and flick the switch without disturbing him.

As I laid with him, trying to get to sleep myself, I held Dan close. He’d seemed a lot more fragile this evening than he had in awhile and I wanted to do my best to make him feel okay again.


	22. Our Blue and Green Duvet

**Dan’s POV:**

The next day, Ethan came over again. His mum brought him in the car and he’d texted so I could meet him at the door. She didn’t want him out of the presence of a responsible adult since his suicide attempts. I wouldn’t say I completely counted as a responsible adult, being only a few years older than him, but he wasn’t being left alone and that was what mattered.

He arrived just after lunchtime and left before dinner, telling us that it was his family’s ‘family takeaway night’ and he needed to be home. Phil and I didn’t see much of him over the course of the afternoon, him and Adam talking quietly in the other room while Phil and I did some not-so-interesting finances management.

Taxes and doing complicated things with money were always things we put off for relaxing or cuddling, or slightly more intimate bedroom activities. However we’d had plenty of relaxation time recently and nothing was happening on the sex front until we had the flat to ourselves again, so we took the opportunity to finally start sorting our lives out.

It was scary business that, seeing as Phil and I didn’t exactly have our lives together. His job of working shifts as a waiter wasn’t enough to pay for both of us. At least we owned the flat, rather than having to rent, but that meant our savings were on the low end and we were slowly eating into them to compensate from my minimal income.

I knew I needed to get a job, but Phil was trying to make sure I didn’t go head first into something I wasn’t ready for. It seemed like every time I thought about looking, my mental health would throw itself back in my face and remind me how hard it would actually be.

I’d got myself into a bit of a vicious circle, feeling really anxious about getting a job, but also feeling really anxious about our finances. It didn’t take long for Phil to notice that I was pulling my hair out over this and set his laptop to the side, shutting mine over too and then lifting it off my lap.

“You’re stressed,” Phil said, softly, “I hate to see you like this. C’mon, what’s bothering you?”

I explained to Phil how I was just anxious about jobs and money again. I’d talked to him about it before and he knew what my problem was. He put an arm around me, cuddled up next to me and didn’t settle down until I was in his arms.

“Dan, honestly, we’re doing okay. You don’t have anything to worry about,” Phil told me, trying to be reassuring.

“We’re not, Phil,” I said, raising my voice maybe a little more than I should have. “We’re not doing okay. We’re literally using our savings to pay the bills and that’s not how it should be. I’m a failure; you probably wish you didn’t have to deal with me.”

“Dan,” Phil said, softly resting his hand over my heart, “Okay, maybe we’re not as financially stable as we should be, but we’re not going to be going bankrupt anytime soon. If we kept going like this forever, yes, we would be, but that’s not going to happen. I’m going to get a better job at some point; I’m only keeping this one at the moment as the flexible working days are handy. I understand that you should get a job too, but wait until you’re ready, okay.”

“Maybe I am,” I lied, my heart starting to beat faster with nerves, “I might start looking soon.”

“Dan, you’re not,” Phil said, firmly, “I can feel your heart beating and that’s way faster than it should be.”

I started trying to argue with Phil, but I kept finding myself a bit short of breath. I could tell that he was taking absolutely none of what I said to heart, as he just continued to hold me and gently rub my chest, which was starting to hurt a little.

“Dan, where are your anxiety tablets?” Phil asked me, his hand pausing over my heart.

I felt really weird for a second, as I realised what was happening to me. Somehow I hadn’t recognised the all too familiar symptoms of an anxiety attack.

“Dan?” Phil repeated, now standing over me.

“C-coat… I think,” I stuttered, really struggling to breathe enough to form words.

“I’ll be right back,” Phil said, “Try and take big slow breaths, yeah?”

“I can’t…” I tried to tell him, but my words died on my tongue.

Somewhere in the blur of what I was hearing, I heard Phil speak to Adam, but I didn’t really receive anything else until Phil was by my side again. Adam was there too; I think he brought some water, but I wasn’t really all that sure.

Phil helped me to take my tablets, holding the glass of water for me as I seemed to be shaking too much to do it myself. I nearly choked on them, which was scary. Feeling them irritate my gag reflex had a number of unwanted memories flowing through my head.

Everything was kind of a blur of Phil’s hands and Phil’s voice for a while. A window opened and some fresh air came in, our blue and green duvet got wrapped around me, yet Phil never left my side. I drank some water occasionally when Phil brought the glass to my lips, but it was a long time before I really felt any better.

The concern on Phil’s face helped me out of the fuzzy area of my head I’d felt stuck in. I could be okay, couldn’t I? Slowly, with Phil’s help, I started to feel more  _there_  again. Phil was holding me, me laying across his lap and rolled in a duvet. Ethan was sitting on the floor looking a bit nervous and Adam was halfway across the room from the kitchen with a mug in his hands. Our laptops were now on the coffee table, well out of the way, where I hoped they’d stay. I didn’t want to see any more numbers for a while.

“Phil?” I whispered, feeling myself on the verge of tears, “Sorry, ‘m not ready.”

“Dan, it’s okay,” Phil said, his lips coming into contact with my forehead, “Now, I want to ask you what happened, but we’ll leave it ‘til later. What d’you need?”

“Cuddles,” I mumbled, that being the first thing that came to mind.

“Okay,” Phil said, adjusting how he was holding me, “Anything else?”

“Sleep maybe,” I added, realising how exhausted I felt, it was probably the best thing for me.

“Okay,” Phil said, “We’ll get you to bed in a minute. Adam’s made you some chamomile tea; if you could drink a little of that, it might help you feel better.”

I agreed, sitting up with a little help from Phil, then watching as he took the tea from Adam. My hands joined Phil’s on the mug, guiding it to my mouth but letting him take the weight. The tea helped calm me down, slowing my heart rate even further and eventually I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open.

I didn’t fight the sleep, knowing that it was perfectly acceptable. I made Phil take the tea, then curled up beside him on the sofa, letting the sleep take over and heal my body from the ordeal it had just undergone.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

Once Dan was soundly asleep by my side, I let out a sigh of relief. That had to be on the list of one of his worse panic attacks and I was glad it was finally over. He’d seemed so out of it the whole time and I wasn’t really sure if he was hearing me some of the time. I really wanted to talk to him about it, but that would need to wait until later. At the moment, he needed to rest and I respected that.

I carefully ran my hand through Dan’s hair to stop it from tickling his eyes and looked down at the tired, hollow expression on his face. In that moment he looked a pale shade of grey, contrasting with the bright colours of my duvet. It reminded me of when we’d just met and he spent so much time curled up, asleep in my bed. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he was back to his usual bubbly self, but it still hurt me to see him like this.

I looked over to Adam and Ethan, who were sat together on the floor in front of the other sofa, watching the scene. They looked a bit shaken up by all of this, but then I guess they weren’t expecting to have their makeout session interrupted, particularly by me needing them to help me help Dan through his panic attack. They’d been lifesavers - not literally, but close to it - getting water and one of our duvets when I asked, meaning I didn’t have to leave Dan alone.

“Thank you,” I said to them, keeping quiet so I didn’t wake Dan.

Making sure I didn’t knock him, I got up from the sofa and gestured for Adam and Ethan to follow me. I took them through to Adam’s room, where I could shut the door and talk to them without disturbing Dan.

They had done really well in the situation, but I didn’t really know how much they knew about panic attacks and wanted to explain, to the best of my ability, what they had just witnessed.

“What triggered it?” Adam asked, “Like he told me the other day it was really just things related to his experiences with his ex-girlfriend…”

“It doesn’t have to be,” I explained, “Like Dan and I were looking at our money situation… which isn’t exactly ideal because I work part time and he’s unemployed. He feels bad that I’m doing all the work and he’s worried because we’re eating into our savings at the moment to pay the bills. He wants to get a job but at the same time we don’t think his mental health is good enough for him to work at the moment. Realising our financial situation just got a bit much for him.”

“Oh right,” Adam said, “Our mum and Dad still give him an allowance though, right?”

“Yes,” I nodded, “It’s not a lot though… but we’re holding together at the moment so it’s okay.”

“When d'you think he’ll be able to work?” Adam asked me.

“I don’t really know that,” I told him, honestly, “In terms of recovery from his eating disorder, he would be fine to work, but it’s his anxiety that’s stopping him. He’s seeing a therapist which is helping him a bit, but it’s slow progress. He booked an appointment the other day, I think for next week. I really think he should be going more regularly; okay he talks to me about it, but I can’t help in the same way.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, “And are you coping okay with all of this? With the financial situation and Dan’s anxiety?”

“More or less, yeah,” I nodded, “I’m doing what I can for Dan and I’m working a lot, so like all of next week.”

“Also,” I started, “Don’t let him know about this, but I’ve started looking at jobs which are on offer at the moment and thinking about how Dan would cope with them. I think I’m going to get him to ask his therapist’s opinion about what’s best for him at the moment.”

“Phil, what d’you think my… uhh… therapist will do, now I’ve met Ethan,” Adam asked, sounding uncertain.

“I don’t know,” I told him honestly, “But I wouldn’t worry about it; they’ll do whatever’s best for you.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?” Ethan asked, his voice full of concern, “What for? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“About you,” Adam said, “Because of everything I was feeling through our bond. Dan and Phil encouraged me to go see one after your first… umm… new year.”

“Ohh,” Ethan said, the realisation hitting him that Adam had felt that, “Umm, I’m sorry you had to feel that.”

“It’s okay,” Adam, said, taking his hand, “It hurt, but it all turned out okay…. I’ve only been once, she’s considering putting me on antidepressants but she said she didn’t know how much effect it would have. She was saying it was really you who needs them.”

“Funny, that’s what my blood test yesterday was for,” Ethan said, looking a little amused, “If the results are good, I’m getting put on them next week.”

“How are you feeling about that?” Adam asked him.

“A bit worried to be honest,” he said, his voice sounding a bit fragile, “Like there’s increased risk of suicide and…”

Adam brought Ethan into a hug, interestingly, before the tears started to leak from his eyes. Clearly he could tell how Ethan was feeling before it was obvious on the outside. I watched as he dragged Ethan down to sit on the bed with him, while continuing to hug him. I realised I should maybe head away and give them some space, when Adam brought up Dan.

“Dan’s told me they’re not really all that bad,” Adam told him, “He takes them for his anxiety.”

“I know, but they have different effects on different people,” Ethan mumbled into his chest, “I’m already suicidal so its clear I’m the kind of person who gets the increased risk.”

“Not necessarily,” Adam said, tightening his hug, “Your doctor’s doing what’s best for you. And I know I’m not going to be right here, but you can talk to me now if you need to.”

Now feeling it was definitely my time to go, I let the two of them know, “I’m going to go check on Dan and give you guys some space. Shout if you need anything.”

“Okay,” Adam said, “Thanks.”

“And I’m sorry for interrupting earlier,” I apologised, “I’ll let you get back to that if you want.”

I left the room, shutting the door behind me to keep the noise of their talking from Dan. I returned to the living room, where Dan was still fast asleep on the sofa. I sat down with him and found his hand in amongst the duvet. He was warm now, rather than shaking and cold, but he still looked rather pale.

I was hoping he’d feel okay when he woke up, but I wanted to be prepared in case he wasn’t. I left him for a couple of minutes to grab a few things, then settled down with him where I would stay until he woke up. I carefully lifted his head onto my lap to make him more comfortable. I think I maybe disturbed his sleep slightly, but he just mumbled and nuzzled his face into my crotch before returning to his sleep.

Dan woke up awhile later, sleepily mumbling into lap. I bent over so I could hear him better.

“What’s that?” I whispered.

“I’m awake,” Dan mumbled again.

“I see,” I replied, “How are you feeling?”

“Not that great but I’ll live,” he said, making a snuffly noise.

Feeling him sniff a couple of times, and hearing the snotty noises he made, I passed him some tissues to sort it out. He found he had to sit up to blow his nose, so I was able to hug him properly now, pulling him into my lap and wrapping both my arms snugly around him.

Dan dropped the tissues onto the floor when he was done, so we could deal with them later. He ducked his head down and snuggled into my chest, still looking like he’d had the life sucked out of him. I cupped the grey-tinged skin of his face and pressed a couple of kisses to the top of his head.

“What time is it?” Dan asked, a minute or two later.

“Half five,” I told him, having first looked at my phone to check.

“Ethan needs to be home by quarter past six,” Dan reminded me, “Are you okay to take him?”

“Of course,” I replied, “You’re staying here and looking after yourself.”

“Are you taking Adam too then?” Dan asked, puzzled.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” I laughed, “Adam’s staying too, but I meant you need to just relax and don’t do anything that’s going to make you anxious again. Relax.”

Using the power of my voice, so I didn’t have to stop cuddling Dan and get up, I shouted to remind to Ethan that we were leaving in fifteen minutes. That would give him time to round off his conversation with Adam and get ready to go home.

I stayed with Dan until it was time to go, letting him relax in my arms, with his duvet still wrapped snugly around him. When I finally did have to get up to go, I made sure that he was warm enough and comfortable and didn’t need anything else.

Adam and Ethan said their final goodbye in the hallway standing by our door. They hugged very tightly for a long time, crying silently into each other’s shoulders. They finished off with a small but timid kiss on the lips, which I could tell would have been more if I wasn’t present.

I sidestepped into mine and Dan’s room, pretending to have forgotten something, but really just giving them time to do it properly. I gave them a minute before emerging, only to find them entangled in each other’s arms once again.

“I hate to split this up,” I said, “But it’s five past six and I don’t want you being late home.”

They split apart slowly, looking at each other with a gaze of longing. I gently put my hand on the back of Ethan’s coat and guided him towards the door. Adam stayed back, knowing he wasn’t to come with me, but looking on sadly.

“Look after Dan for me,” I said to Adam, “He should be fine but maybe just keep him company. I’ll only be fifteen-twenty minutes.”

Adam nodded and turned around as I shut the door behind Ethan and me. We headed down the stairs and out to my car, in the same way as we’d done the day before.

Again, Adam waved from the window, but this time Ethan knew where to look. I drove off, Ethan sniffing miserably in the back for the duration of the drive.

I left him with a final few words of support, “Look after yourself, yeah. Keep talking to Adam on the phone, maybe even try Skype, it’s good for you. I know your family environment isn’t the best, but Dan and I are only a twenty minute walk, or a phonecall away if you need a bed for the night, or even just someone to talk to.”

Ethan thanked me, dried his eyes and headed into his house. I headed home too, hoping that the evening would go smoothly and Adam would have a nice end to his stay before he headed home on the train tomorrow morning.

–

**Dan’s POV:**

The evening was going okay. I had more or less recovered from my panic attack. Okay, I still hadn’t talked to Phil about it and I wasn’t feeling one-hundred percent, but I could manage at seventy-five. The three of us had eaten dinner, it was nearing eight o’clock and we were all relaxing in the living room. Adam seemed the happiest I’d seen him in a long time and I was glad things were finally looking up for him on the soulmate front.

Okay, Ethan was still in a bit of a sticky home situation, but with the two of them having met, things were looking up. Meeting your soulmate couldn’t cure a depression in an instant, but having that support and someone to talk to was a big help.

I had hope for the two of them. I knew it was going to be a struggle with them living so far apart, but I’m sure they would work to resolve that soon. Ethan would be leaving school in a couple of months, so I would imagine they’d just have to get by until then.

It was about half-past eight when I noticed that Adam was acting a bit funny. I didn’t think much of it until he was looking positively miserable ten minutes later.

“Adam, are you okay?” I asked him, knowing that he wasn’t, but needing to know what was wrong.

“My stomach hurts and I feel sick,” he stated, sounding as down as he looked.

Shedding my duvet, I got up from my position next to Phil and joined Adam on the other sofa. As I got up, I mumbled to Phil to go and get some water, medicine and a bucket.

“Any idea what’s wrong?” I asked him, “D’you think there was something in our dinner that doesn’t agree with you?”

“I don’t know… I guess maybe?” Adam said, unsure.

Before I could ask anything else, Phil appeared with a bucket, some tablets for upset stomachs and a bottle of water.

“How bad d’you feel?” I asked, sitting the bucket in his lap while Phil popped open the water.

“Really bad,” Adam mumbled, slowly, “Like I feel like I’m going to throw up soon.”

“You’re not feeling dizzy or anything?” I asked.

“No, just really nauseous,” he said, resting his head on the edge of the bucket.

“Let’s get you along to the bathroom,” I said, making a decision, “Keep ahold of the bucket; that’s all you need to focus on. It’s okay if you need to use it, but Phil and I are gonna help you get there.”

I helped him up from the sofa, then loosely put my arm around him to help him along to the bathroom.

“Oh God, I think it’s Ethan,” Adam said suddenly, freezing outside the bathroom door.

“Has this happened before?” I asked calmly as Phil and I gently encouraged him the last few steps to the toilet.

“Yeah, a few times recently,” Adam said, sitting cross legged in front of the toilet, with the bucket now tossed to the side, “And I think I’ve thrown up every one of them.”

“Okay,” I nodded, trying to think if there was anything we could do to help.

I thought about calling Ethan, but if he was in the same state, or worse, he wouldn’t be up for speaking on the phone. The next best person would be our mum; she’d dealt with Adam being ill loads of times and I’m sure she’ll have helped him in this situation before.

I handed Phil my phone, “Could you call our mum, explain the situation and asked how she’s helped him before?”

Phil nodded, took the phone and hovered in the doorway as he made the call. I didn’t catch must past their initial hellos before my attention was brought back to Adam by him grasping the toilet bowl.

“Ethan’s… Ethan’s being sick,” he groaned, clearly struggling himself.

I crouched down next to him and rested my hand on his back for a moment, “Don’t fight it, you’ll feel better once it’s over.”

Then suddenly Adam was being sick too. Phil took a step backwards out of the room, but even if this wasn’t something I wanted to witness, I had to look after him. When it was over, or at least hopefully, I flushed the toilet and filled the bathroom glass from the sink.

Phil returned to the doorway when it was over, still speaking to our mum, “Yeah, he just threw up.”

Adam glanced round at Phil curiously, before frantically turning back to retch into the toilet a couple of times. I encouraged him to take a couple of deep breaths and sip slowly on his water.

“Okay, yeah, we’ll do that,” Phil said to my mum, “We’ll let you know how he’s doing later, but goodbye for the moment.”

Phil ended the call and handed me back my phone. I looked up at him with an air of ‘what do we do?’

“She usually just gets him to bed with some water or tea,” Phil told me, “Keeps him company for a while and has a bucket there just in case.”

“Okay,” I nodded, looking down at Adam, “That sound okay to you?”

Adam nodded miserably, sniffed and grabbed some toilet roll to wipe his face. Phil headed off to make some tea, while I stayed with Adam while he got cleaned up. I felt like we should check up on Ethan to see what had happened and check he was okay. As Adam got himself sorted out, I typed out a text to him.

_Hi ethan, it’s dan. We know you’re sick, just let us know that you’re okay. Maybe phone if you’re feeling up to it. I think you two need each other rn._

Not expecting Ethan to reply immediately, I put my phone away and gave Adam an hand up and along to his room. The bucket was laid on the floor next to the bed, as Adam didn’t feel like he needed it any more. I found him his pyjamas and encouraged him to put them on; once he was in bed, he wouldn’t want to get back out to put them on later.

Phil came in before Adam had had the chance to pull his t-shirt over his head. Phil blushed and stumbled a little, yelping when he spilt some boiling hot tea onto his foot. I took the tea from Phil and laid it down on the bedside table before he could cause anymore incidents with it. Adam now had his shirt on and was climbing into bed, leaning back against the headboard and pulling the duvet up around him.

When it was cool enough to drink, Adam started to sip slowly on the tea. Phil had collapsed into the desk chair, letting his foot recover, and I had sat at the end of the bed. Adam really wasn’t looking too good, but the warmth of the tea slowly brought some colour back to his face. After a while he told us that he was feeling a little bit better, but he was still huddled up in his duvet and shaking a little.

I had been checking my phone regularly for replies from Ethan, but as of yet there had been nothing. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to look again, when it started to ring in my hand.

“It’s Ethan,” I informed Adam and Phil as I read the screen myself.

I answered the call, lifting it to my ear and speaking to him, “Hi Ethan. What’s happened?”

“Is Adam there? Could you put me on speaker or something?” he asked.

“Yeah sure,” I said, lifting the phone away from my face and tapping the speaker icon, “I was going to do that anyway.”

Now that Adam was able to hear too, Ethan explained what had happened, “You know how I’d told you it was our family takeaway night… well we had indian and although I picked out a less spicy curry my stomach rejected it.”

“It certainly felt horrible from my end; are you okay now?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, my mum’s been looking after me. I’m in bed now with some water and an old ice cream tub if i need to throw up again and now she’s off trying to wash the cat,” Ethan explained.

“Wash the cat?” Adam repeated, puzzled.

“I kinda umm… I threw up on it,” he admitted, sounding embarrassed.

“How?” Adam queried, his eyebrows raising in wonder.

“It got in just the wrong place at the wrong moment,” Ethan explained, “I tried to lean away but she moved because she thought I was trying to play with her.”

“Wow,” Adam mumbled, his voice cracking and forcing him to take a couple more sips of tea.

“I guess you’re feeling as shit as I am?” Ethan wondered.

“Yeah probably,” Adam confirmed, “I had a sore stomach and felt sick, but I didn’t realise it was you until I was halfway to the bathroom to throw up.”

“I made you sick too,” Ethan said, shocked, stumbling over his words, “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Adam insisted, “You shouldn’t need to apologise; this is just something we’re meant to share clearly.”

“I wish it wasn’t, like I don’t want you to get sick every time I do for the rest of my life,” Ethan said, sadly.

“It might not happen if you’re together,” Phil interjected into the conversation, “Like the worry doesn’t hit me in the same way if I’m with Dan when he’s sick.”

“I hope that’s the case,” Ethan said, “I think I could live with that.”

After talking to Ethan for a while and discussing his sensitive stomach, they both agreed to be feeling a bit better. Ethan explained that he was still feeling a bit nauseous and unsettled, but Adam just seemed to be suffering from exhaustion now.

I lifted the mug of now cooling tea from Adam’s hand as he started to nod off a little, and placed it on the bedside table.

“I think you two should say goodnight,” I said, looking pointedly at Adam.

“For context, Adam is falling asleep,” Phil added, to explain to Ethan.

“Awhh, I’ll let you get some sleep then, love,” Ethan said, lovingly, “I hope you feel better in the morning and have a safe trip home, yeah. Call me from the train or something?”

“Yeah, sure, I think I will,” Adam responded, “G’night, love you.”

Ethan replied with a wish of goodnight and an ‘I love you too’. It seemed cute that they were saying it so soon, but with soulmates, is there really a definition for when the love begins?

“Dan, could you stay on for a bit longer?” Ethan asked me timidly, “Like clearly let Adam sleep but maybe go to another room?”

“Of course,” I replied, as Phil and I headed out of Adam’s room, shutting the door over behind us.

Phil and I headed to our room, where we resumed the conversation with Ethan. He spoke to both of us for another five minutes, really just needing a little consolation about Adam leaving in the morning. Phil and I did our best to remind him it would be okay and give him various suggestions on keeping in touch, but there was only so much we could do.

“I think you should get some sleep too,” I told him after a while, “You might be up early in the morning because Adam will be.”

Slightly begrudgingly, Ethan agreed and said goodnight to us. Once he’d hung up the phone, I expressed to Phil how glad I was that he seemed to be okay talking to us about things. I meant to ask him what his parents soulmate bond had been, but I’m guessing not a telepathic one as he always commented on them not understanding what he was going through.

Phil and I headed to bed not long later. We’d had a complicated day that we needed to unwind from before going to sleep, and the easiest way to do that was wrapped in each other's’ arms.

It was always easier after the event had passed, so I told Phil in more detail about my earlier panic attack. I was now recovered enough that talking about it wouldn’t cause a relapse.

Phil had brought it up in a calm and collected manner, “Are you ready to talk about your panic attack yet or shall we wait ‘til tomorrow?”

I had agreed and slowly started to explain, “I… uhhh… didn’t realise I was having a panic attack until you asked me where my medication was. Then from there, everything’s a little fuzzy, like clearly I could hear and see and everything but it was kinda like I was in a bubble. I didn’t feel completely  _there_  which was a little scary.”

“You didn’t seem completely there either,” Phil told me, “Like I wasn’t sure if you were hearing me some of the time.”

“I don’t know if I was hearing everything,” I admitted, “It was really weird but I’m so glad it’s over.”

Not really having the energy to say much more I cuddled into Phil and groaned, “Ugh I’m so tired, can we sleep now?”

“Yeah sure,” Phil nodded, returning my sleepy embrace, “Good idea because we need to get up early in the morning. It’s not gonna be easy but we can always nap later in the day if we need to.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I nodded into Phil’s chest.

Both of us tired, but our consciences now clear, we cuddled up together and let ourselves fall asleep. It was never easy explaining it to someone else, but I had told Phil as much as I could. Talking about it stopped everything from building up in my head and getting too much and it helped Phil to understand what I was going through better. I felt better now I’d got that off my chest, and Phil and I could now go to sleep with more peaceful minds.

–

My ears were greeted with the buzzing of Phil’s alarm, shortly followed by mine. My eyes were greeted with the darkness of the room as the sun wasn’t quite up yet. Now I was conscious, I was aware that I couldn’t feel my arm, because Phil was lying on it.

“Mmmph… Phil,” I mumbled, “Can’t feel my arm.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, lifting his torso up slightly to free it, “Mornin’”

The sleepy Phil moved around a bit, sprawling out on his back for a minute, then rolling back up to my side, “How’d you sleep?”

“Not bad,” I told him, honestly, “I’m still tired; I could’ve done with a bit longer, but I’ll cope.”

“I know the feeling,” Phil admitted, “Let’s have a nap later, yeah.”

I tried to cuddle into Phil, but a couple of seconds later he pulled away, starting to sit up.

“I’m going to go and see if Adam’s up,” Phil told me, “I don’t know if he’ll have set an alarm. Take another couple of minutes if you want and I’ll wake him up and get breakfast started.”

“Thanks,” I said to Phil, who bent down to give me a kiss before he left.

I couldn’t help the whine which escaped my lips when he left so soon. Although tired, I was feeling a little horny this morning and my body didn’t want Phil to leave. I rolled over to bury my face into the pillow, but that proved uncomfortable with the medium sized hardness that had formed in pyjamas overnight. Letting out a sigh, I rolled back onto my side. I needed to go and sort this out quickly in the shower.

I started with the shower on cold, hoping that I would be able to con it into going away. After five minutes, nothing had changed, in fact it was starting to get a bit uncomfortable. I gave in, turning the water up to a comfortable temperature and began the process of jacking myself off with my hand.

Making use of the constant stream of water to keep things slick, I worked my hand up and down my erection, trying to hurry things along. I wanted this over as quickly as possible, but my body didn’t seem to want to cooperate. Eventually, I lost track of how long this was taking, but it seemed longer than usual.

I could feel I was close, but it was killing me that I couldn’t quite get there. I didn’t really want to finger myself as I’d need a while to clean myself out, then clean that up… and I think the lube was in the bedroom anyway. I sighed, returning my hand to my dick with a renewed sense of vigor. I could do this.

Five minutes later and nothing seemed to have progressed. I was still uncomfortably close, but nothing I tried to do about it seemed to work. I was on the verge of collapsing to the floor in exhaustion when there was a knock on the door.

“Dan? I’ve got Adam up and I’ve eaten a bowl of cereal; you’ve been in the shower a while. Are you okay in there?” Phil asked, innocently.

I think I took too long in deciding what to reply, because Phil knocked again, “Dan? You okay? If you don’t reply, I’m coming in.”

Panicking, I couldn’t think of the words to explain my situation and decided I’d wait for Phil to see it for himself. The door opened and Phil rushed in, concern on his face at seeing me sitting on the floor of the shower. He opened the door, reached over to turn the water off, then crouched down in front of me.

With my dick straining at my stomach, my predicament couldn’t be that unclear, yet Phil hesitated before doing anything about it, “Dan, you need to talk to me. What’s happened? I can see you’re hard, but is there something wrong?”

“Couldn’t get it down…” I stuttered, “Can’t get off either.”

“Are you feeling overstimulated or d’you want me to touch you?” Phil asked calmly, keeping his hands off as he waited for my answer.

“I don’t know… both,” I said, stumbling a bit over my words.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, getting up and grabbing a towel from the radiator, “I want you to get out and sit on the bathmat. I’m going to try and blow you if that’s okay. Please say if it gets too much.”

–

**Phil’s POV:**

Dan did as I suggested, sitting on the fluffy mat rather than the hard floor of the shower. I wrapped the towel around his shoulders before getting down on him, kneeling on the floor in front of him. I started a little slowly, with my hands around his base, before eventually progressing to deep-throating his length. I didn’t hold him back or stop him from fucking into my mouth; he’d been doing this too long already and I didn’t want to draw it out.

So that I didn’t have to pull off Dan, I nudged my fingers into his mouth to moisten them. I slipped this free hand under his bum and gently started to massage his rim, going no further because I had no lube on me. This added sensation, along with my tongue swirling around his length, seemed to do it for Dan, having him bucking up into my mouth and moaning a little too loudly.

I think it hit him suddenly, because Dan had no time to warn me of his orgasm before he was spurting into my mouth. I swallowed around him, doing my best to work him through it, swallowing what I could and leaving the rest to drip unattractively down my chin.

Dan flopped back onto the floor, panting. I took a couple of seconds to recover myself, before getting up, rinsing my face and soaking a facecloth with lukewarm water. I plopped down on the floor next to him and cleaned up his sticky, but now softening dick. He flinched away from the light touch, but I persevered, knowing he would appreciate it.

“That better now?” I mumbled to him, moving to where I could see his face and pushing the hair back off his forehead.

“Yeah,” he panted tiredly, “That was good, thanks.”

I stayed with Dan for a minute or two as he recovered, freshening my mouth with some mouthwash then sitting with him on the floor. Eventually I had to leave him to check that Adam was getting on okay. I managed to encourage him to get up off the floor and head back into our bedroom to get dressed. Then hopefully, he’d be through for his breakfast in five minute’s time.

“He was in the shower, but he’s getting dressed now,” I explained to Adam on arrival back at our dining table.

When I left, I’d told him I was going to check on Dan and I might as well let him know his brother was fine. Adam was now tucking into a slice of toast so I decided I would do the same. Dan appeared five minutes later, dressed comfortably in joggies and a hoodie, and heading straight for the kettle.

I’d already poured him a bowl of cereal and a glass of water and brought his medication over to the table. He plopped down next to me a couple of minutes later, cradling his steaming cup of tea.

Dan ate his breakfast quietly, not really saying much. Most of the conversation was between me and Adam, checking that he had his bag more or less packed and his train ticket to hand.

Once Dan had eaten his breakfast and drunk his tea - the most caffeine he could really handle - he seemed a bit more alert and ready to face the day. The three of us got ready to head to the station, making sure Adam had everything he’d brought with him.

I drove us there, so if we couldn’t get parked, Dan would still be able to see him off. We’d both enjoyed having him to stay, even with the struggles. Something great had happened, with him meeting his soulmate. I too, was sad to see him go, but I felt that Dan and I would be keeping close touch with him for the next little while.

We were able to get parked, so I joined Dan and Adam in their emotional embrace on the platform. He was trying not to show it as he was in public, but Adam was crying. Not only was he leaving his brother who he’s really close to, but he was also leaving his soulmate. It was a pity Ethan couldn’t have come to see him off at the station, but his parents wouldn’t let him out alone.

As Dan and I sandwiched Adam in one last hug, Dan reminded him that he had our numbers if he needed any support. We watched on as he stepped up into the train, settled in a seat by the window and finally waved goodbye as the train rolled off.


	23. Doughnuts

**Dan’s POV:**

It had been the best part of a week since Adam left us and headed home, and we’d kept in touch with both him and Ethan. They both seemed to be doing okay, which was more than could be said for me.

I’d been able to get a lot of rest over the last few days, really just sleeping away the time while Phil was out at work, but still I felt like I hadn’t slept properly in weeks. I’d been sleeping fine up until a few days ago, but of recent, I’d been plagued by confusing dreams and nightmares.

Waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, having a panic attack, was not ideal, but the last few nights seemed to have featured these disturbances. Phil was clearly worried about me; he did his best to help me through it at the time, but I couldn’t hide how it was making me feel.

As I sat, eating my lunch, I thought back to last nights dream. It hadn’t really been a nightmare, more a mess of confusing and disorientating thoughts. Images of falling into the middles of giant doughnuts, being consumed into a nothingness, drowning in a pool of my own tears. A tall brown-haired lady with no face shouting at me, pushing me down, trying to drown me. I’d awoken struggling to breathe, Phil shaking me and trying to pull me out of it. It took a couple of minutes before I realised the dream had been a dream, and I felt confused for a while afterwards.

“Dan,” Phil said, reaching his hand across and clamping it on my shoulder, “Dan, you in there?”

“Sorry,” I said, shuddering in realisation that I’d completely spaced out, “I was thinking about the dream again.”

“You need to talk about that at your appointment,” Phil reminded me gently, “See if they can tell you what’s happening or at least give you some advice to make it stop.”

“Yeah I will,” I nodded, my anxiety about my therapist appointment this afternoon increasing even more.

“Are you going to be okay by yourself?” Phil asked, clearly sensing that this wasn’t going to be the easiest appointment for me.

“Yeah I’ll be fine,” I insisted, knowing that I would be once I got there.

My therapist was lovely, and although talking about my problems was a little scary, I could manage without Phil. It was someone to talk to independant from Phil, and the professional help really did help. Even just telling her things came as a bit of a relief, because she knew all about the problems I was facing.

I said goodbye to Phil at the door, him pulling me into a hug and giving me a goodbye kiss. I felt he maybe drew it out slightly longer than usual, but I wasn’t complaining. I took a bus to the therapist’s place. Despite being able to take Phil’s car if I wanted, there wasn’t really much parking around the place and the buses worked well.

I arrived with about ten minutes to spare before my appointment, giving me time to sit in the waiting room and relax. It turned out my therapist was free, as five minutes before the appointment was due to start, she popped her head out of her room.

“Oh, Dan; you can just come through if you want,” she said, smiling.

I got up from my seat in the waiting room, making my way to her office and settling in my usual seat. The consultation corner of her office was quite informal, a couple of comfy seats around a low coffee table. She had her desk and laptop at the other side of the room, separating that side of things from the relaxed consultations she wanted to have with her patients.

She disappeared briefly, probably to get my file from the storage room, then sat next to me around the little table.

“How’re you doing, Dan?” she asked me, getting the conversation started before we got onto anything serious.

“Alright,” I told her, “Like I could be better; I’ve got a few things that are bothering me, but I’m okay.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “We’ll get to those, we’ll start with the usual questions. Are you still getting on well with your eating?”

“Yup,” I said, nodding,, “I think I’m doing okay. Phil’s happy enough. He still thinks I could do to eat a bit more, but I’m a healthy weight and everything.”

“And are you happy enough about it?” she asked, curiously.

“Yeah, I think so,” I told her, “Like I still have moments where I feel less good, but I feel better in general.”

“How is your relationship with Phil doing? Do you still find he’s a bit overbearing with how he keeps an eye on you?” she asked.

“It’s good,” I told her, “I’m fine with it now. I think I’ve gained more of his trust now that I’m doing better, so he doesn’t need to watch over me so much. Also now… I’ve had to take on the role of being the stronger one in the relationship a couple of times recently. Phil’s been diagnosed as lactose intolerant and I’ve had to look after him when he’s been sick, encourage him to eat when he’s not really feeling like it. I think I’ve gained more of an understanding.”

“Yeah, so you’ve kind of found yourself in his shoes recently,” she nodded, “I know the situation’s not ideal, but I can see the understanding you’d get from that.”

She paused, picking up my file from the table and making a couple of notes, “Okay, now… your anxiety. We have you on antidepressants and you have beta-blockers to take during the panic or anxiety attacks; how are you getting on with them?”

“Good… I think,” I said, taking my time while I thought about how to explain what I’d been going through. “The antidepressants have me feeling less anxious throughout the day in general, and the beta-blockers have been absolute life savers, like I don’t know how I would get through an attack without them.”

“How frequently would you say you’re having panic attacks now?” she asked.

“Maybe about once or twice a week?” I said, hesitantly, after thinking about it for a minute, “But they’ve been a bit different recently.”

“Can you explain what you mean by different?” she asked, her tone somewhere between curious and concerned.

“Well my… uhh…,” I hesitated, deciding on what to call my relationship to Martyn, ”… my brother-in-law accidentally brushed my stomach and that seemed to start off a panic attack. I took my medication and calmed down a bit but then when I tried to talk about it and explain to him and his soulmate why I had panic attacks, I started having some kind of flashback of my ex where all I could see was her face and all I could hear was her voice and I didn’t really come out of it until one of them got Phil.”

She nodded, making some notes in my file, “Any other examples you feel you can tell me about?”

“Last week Phil and I were looking at our finances and trying to sort a couple of things out and let’s just say our financial situation isn’t the best because I’m an unemployed uni dropout and he works part time,” I explained, “And it stresses me out that we’re eating into savings and I’m doing nothing about it. We started arguing about me wanting to get a job and I hadn’t really noticed, until Phil asked me where my anxiety tablets were, that I was having an anxiety attack. I took them, but everything was really weird and fuzzy for a while and I didn’t really feel like I was there.”

“Okay, so flashbacks and dissociation,” she nodded, making a couple more notes, “Do you experience any trouble sleeping, or nightmares for example?”

“Actually, yeah, these last few days I’ve been having confusing dreams - nightmares I guess - about my ex,” I told her, feeling a little nervous recalling them, “I’ve woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, having a panic attack.”

Nodding, she scribbled something else down in her notes, “Can you tell me what happened in the dream? Don’t worry about it if you can’t.”

I started to recall it for a second or two and felt sick at the thought.

I shook my head, “Sorry, I’d rather not at the moment.”

“Okay, Dan,” she nodded, laying the file and her pen down, “I’m not going to formally diagnose this yet, but it sounds like you could have post-traumatic stress disorder.”

“Could you explain?” I asked, a little scared as it wasn’t something I knew much about.

The psychiatrist started to explain the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (or PTSD to give it it’s acronym) and how these linked to how I’d been feeling recently. She informed me that it was a type of anxiety disorder, so it had probably been grouped together with my other anxiety under the term of ‘general anxiety’ until now.

I forced myself to take a couple of deep breaths and not get worked up about it. Nothing had changed, apart from maybe knowing another detail about my problems.

“I’m going to ask you to come and see me a bit more often,” she said, pulling me away from my thoughts, “I’m going to suggest you book an appointment in for next week and then the week after, but it’s up to you.”

“Okay,” I nodded, knowing it would be best to do what she suggested, “I’ll do that.”

She continued to tell me a little more about the disorder, making her way across the office to her desk to grab an information leaflet about it. As she moved things aside to find the leaflets, a flash of dark green caught my attention. She lifted a folder from on top of this green box, but my attention seemed glued to the box.

_Doughnuts. It was a box of doughnuts._

The alarm bells started ringing my head and my heart started to beat a little faster. It made me feel stupid, but doughnuts had to be my biggest trigger. In a way, they’d led to everything. I tried to keep myself together, but my mind was already racing to that fateful box of doughnuts I’d eaten almost a year ago.

I was handed the leaflet that my therapist had at last found, “I’d like you to read through this with Phil and make sure he knows what’s going on.”

I agreed and  mumbled a thanks, but I couldn’t really focus.

_Not here. This couldn’t happen here._

I knew I needed out of here. I wanted to be with Phil at home, back in our cosy flat and the safety of his arms.

“I need to go home,” I told my therapist, pulling my phone out my pocket and texting Phil.

_Can u come and get me - like asap_

I kept it brief, knowing Phil wouldn’t question it. He’d be here soon and then everything would be better.

“Dan what’s wrong?” she asked, getting on my level by returning to her earlier seat.

I shook my head. She was a psychiatrist. She could figure out what was wrong if she needed to know.

“Dan, do you need to take your beta-blockers?” she prompted, clearly recognising I was having a panic attack.

I nodded. I was getting there slowly, but hadn’t quite got round to getting them out yet. I lifted my jacket onto my lap and opened up my pockets to find which one I’d put them in. I thought I’d checked all of my pockets, but I must’ve missed one as I didn’t find them the first time. I searched through my pockets again and that was when the realisation hit me.

_I didn’t have them. What did I do?_

I felt the tears welling in my eyes and ignored the concerned queries of my therapist, only mumbling to her that I’d left them at home. Knowing he was at home too, I texted Phil again.

_cnu bring anxiety pills i fprgot_

I knew my typing skills had failed me, but I decided it was a pretty decent attempt for the amount I was shaking. After my previous message, I could see that Phil had texted me back to ask if I was okay, but I didn’t need to reply. I’m sure the jumbled message about my anxiety meds would answer that.

Knowing Phil would be ten to fifteen minutes away, I tried to keep myself together while I waited. I focused myself on my breathing and answered a couple of my therapist’s questions, telling her that Phil was on his way and that I really didn’t feel good.

“Dan, did I do something that triggered you?” she asked, her voice remaining calm and collected.

“No,” I should my head, my chest tightening as I tried to get the words out, “The doughnuts.”

In my blurry haze of consciousness, I couldn’t really remember whether I’d told her about nora’s doughnuts. I must’ve done!? Surely, but I couldn’t be sure.

The room before me seemed to vanish into a sugary haze, the memories of Nora’s harsh words drowning out those of my therapist trying to help me.

_What the fuck, you fat imbecile. You ate my entire box of doughnuts - you were fat enough already, you worthless piece of flab! Do you not understand the meaning of my doughnuts? Get the fuck out of my life, that’s it, I never want to see you again!_

As a once off, it could’ve been put down to a mood swing, but with a slap across the face and a couple of punches, that was really the final straw. She’d broken me so much already and I was too weak to even think about repairing things. I quickly fell to my worst after that; if I wasn’t good enough for her, surely I wasn’t good enough for anyone.

When Phil picked me up off the floor the night of my nameless date in his restaurant, that was the first light I’d seen in months. I tried to focus on the thought of Phil to try and bring me out of this flashback, the one fleck of brightness amongst all my dark thoughts. I gave up all hope on focusing on the present; I could vaguely see people moving around me, but there was too much going on in my head to take it in.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

When I got Dan’s text, asking me to come and get him asap, I hurried to get myself out as quickly as possible. I didn’t know what was happening, but I could tell from his message he needed me. I pulled on a pair of shoes, which happened to be Dan’s, but we were close enough in size that it wouldn’t matter too much.

I was grabbing my keys, about to head out the door, when I got his second text.

_cnu bring anxiety pills i fprgot_

I wasn’t one to swear, but at that moment I did, muttering a profanity under my breath. This wasn’t good; if he was looking for his tablets, then he was having a panic attack and if he didn’t have them, well then that was going to be a bad one.

It took me a couple of minutes to find them; they ended up being on Dan’s bedside table, as a result of the nightmare come panic attacks he’d been having recently. I zipped them into my coat pocket to make sure I didn’t lose them, then rushed out of the house and down to the car.

It was about a ten minute drive to the physciatrist practice; I’d taken Dan there once when there was a bus strike, so thankfully I knew where it was. What I didn’t know was my way around inside. I explained the situation to the receptionist, who was very helpful and took me to the room Dan would be in.

I knocked on the door first, but there were probably too many voices talking in there to hear. I pushed the door open and walked in, taking in the scene before me of three people huddled around Dan, who was sat on a chair in the corner, shaking profusely and seeming to ignore the three people who were trying to speak to him.

“I’m Phil, his soulmate,” I explained, making my way across the room and pushing into the little circle they had formed.

At that, they parted a little to let me closer to him. They were no formal introductions, but the lady closest to Dan, I presumed was his therapist, as she seemed to know what was going on.

“Empty doughnut box on my desk seemed to trigger him,” she explained to me, quietly, “Have you got his medication?”

I nodded, “Yeah, I’m going to try and talk to him, could one of you maybe get a glass of water and give us a little more space?”

Once the others had moved away, I was able to focus more on what was happening to Dan. He was seeing, but not really watching. His eyes were on me; he seemed to have noticed I was here but his thoughts must be elsewhere.

“Dan,” I said firmly, looking him in the eye, “Can you talk to me? Tell me, what did you have for breakfast this morning?”

I knew perfectly well that Dan had had a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes and some tea, but I was trying to get a reaction out of him.

“Phil, help, N-Nora…” Dan stuttered.

“She’s not here,” I told him calmly, “I’m here and no one here is going to hurt you.”

I slowly reached out a hand towards Dan, but didn’t place it on him. I didn’t know exactly what was going on in his head, but if he was anywhere near the memory of Nora hitting him, I didn’t want to make things worse.

“Dan, can you take my hand?” I asked him, “I’ve got your medication and I’ll give you it in a minute; just need you to relax a little bit first.”

Dan slowly reached out his hand to meet mine, then suddenly he was shuffling over right next to me and trying to nuzzle his body into my arms. It was a sudden change in his demeanour, but it was a sign of things getting better. I loosely brought my arms around him and let him lean on me, feeling his shaking resounding through my body too.

It was at this moment that the lady I presumed to be Dan’s therapist, handed over a cup of water. I took it from her and retrieved Dan’s pills from my jacket pocket. I took out his dose and held out the pills and water to him.

“Dan, you need to take these,” I said softly, trying to stay as calm as I could for him.

Dan nodded, trying to calm his breathing for a couple of seconds to reply, “Don’t wanna… feel sick…”

“Only when you’re ready. Let’s take some deep breaths first, yeah,” I said, moving my hand onto his chest and working with him to try and slow his breathing a little.

A couple of minutes later, I offered Dan the tablets again. This time he took them, albeit a little hesitantly, and held them in his own hand. I passed him the cup of water, then moved around so I was supporting him a little more. He got them down okay, which was a relief. His gag reflex could be sensitive at times and he sometimes struggled with swallowing them. It was really now a case of waiting for them to take effect and doing my best to help in the meantime.

“You’re going to be okay,” I told him, continuing to hold him.

I kept an open posture, allowing Dan to climb onto my lap if that was what he wanted. I didn’t mind; I just wanted him to feel better. As I predicted, Dan did end up sitting between my legs, curled up tightly with his face buried in my chest.

“How’re you feeling?” I asked him, rubbing my hand up and down his back.

“Safer now. Still really shaky but…” Dan paused to take some deep breaths, “N breathing’s hard.”

Nodding, I took into account what Dan was saying and tried to help him with his breathing. I encouraged him to exhume his his face from the folds of my coat and sit up straight. Dan was no stranger to breathing exercises so all he needed was a little support and encouragement.

The extra people in the room had now disappeared and it was down to just the lady I presumed to be Dan’s therapist. She was watching me as I helped Dan, but made no effort to intervene. Hopefully that meant I was doing the right thing.

Eventually, Dan had his breathing more or less under control and he was no longer shaking quite so much.

“How d’you feel about heading home now?” I asked him, wanting to make sure he was ready first.

“Please,” he mumbled, “I just want my bed.”

“Okay,” I nodded, looking up to speak to his therapist to let her know we were about to go.

“I think he’s okay for us to head home now,” I said to her, “Is there anything he needs to do before he goes?”

“Yes, just let me explain to you first what I was talking to Dan about,” she said quickly, “Dan’s spoken to me about his recent panic attacks and nightmares or trouble sleeping, which I understand you know about?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“From what he told me, I was suspecting that post-traumatic stress disorder was forming a big part of his anxiety. From witnessing this episode, I think I can confirm that,” she explained, “I’m not going to spend ages telling you about it because Dan should get home, but he has a leaflet there about it and you can read up about it on the NHS website.”

“Okay, we’ll look into that,” I said, “Does he need to book another appointment?”

“Yes, I was telling him I’d like to see him weekly for a bit, but I think we’ll make the first appointment in a couple of days if he can make that?” she said, “I’m going to speak to his doctor about possibly increasing his dose of antidepressants.”

“Okay,” I nodded, taking a mental note of what she’d said to think about later, “And do we just do that at the reception?”

“Yes,” she said, cheerily, “Right, I’ll let you be on your way and Dan, apologies, I hope you feel better soon.”

Keeping my arm around Dan, we made our way out of the building, stopping at the reception desk to book his appointment on the way. I took the lead and did most of the talking for him, knowing that his emotional state was a bit too fragile for him to want to face it alone.

We made it home in ten minutes, Dan silently staring into space in the passenger seat next to me. It was only once we were home in our own space that he actually opened up a bit and spoke about how he was feeling. I followed him into our room and lay down with him on the bed, while he told me all what had happened, from his therapist telling him about PTSD to her looking for the folder of information leaflets and uncovering a doughnut box. His recollection of his panic attack come flashback was a bit less clear, but I could tell he’d lost almost all focus on what was going on in the room.

I was meant to be working the late shift at the restaurant that evening, but I didn’t feel like I could leave Dan after that. I called my manager and explained the situation, being very apologetic and asking whether someone would be able to take my shift.

Fortunately, he was in a good mood and he knew of someone who was looking for some extra shifts this week. Clearly, he had to call and see if this person was free, but he texted me back ten minutes later to let me know that all was good, they could take my shift.

I let Dan have some alone time whilst I made the two of us dinner. It was important that he had the peace to sort out his thoughts by himself. Yes, there were a lot of things I could help him through, but everyone needed some alone time, even from their soulmate.

After couscous stuffed red peppers with a light sauce, we spent some time together again. Dan wasn’t up to doing much, so we put on some anime and relaxed together. In a way I felt a bit lazy, as I should’ve been working but here I was sprawled on my sofa instead. However, Dan was more important to me than the restaurant I worked in. I could get a new job; I couldn’t get a new Dan.

About ten o’clock, when I could see tiredness starting to take a toll on Dan, I suggested we go for a bath together before heading to bed. Dan jumped at this offer, willingly untangling himself from me so I could get up to run the bath.

I asked Dan to bring fresh towels from the cupboard with him when he came, but also to take his time in coming through because it would take me ten minutes to get the bath filled. As the water ran in, I plopped in a bath bomb, watching as it slowly dissolved in front of me.

The bath bomb was still dissolving when Dan appeared with the towels. I took them from him to put on the radiator and let him watch the fizzing colours disperse into the water. Watching it dissolve was part of the fun and I didn’t want to deprive him of that.

When the bath bomb had fizzled out and the water was both the right temperature and depth, we stripped out of our clothes and hopped into the bath. I got in first, making space for Dan between my legs, where I could cuddle him to my heart’s content. We stayed in there until our toes started to shrivel up, me pressing kisses to Dan’s various body parts the whole time and generally trying to make him feel good.

Wrapped in fluffy towels, I invited Dan to come to the kitchen with me to make hot chocolate. It wasn’t really a necessity in our bedtime routine, but I had to admit it was nice to have a hot drink that was free from caffeine before going to bed.

We took our hot chocolates back to our bedroom and still wrapped in our fluffy towels, we sat down on the bed to drink them. Ten minutes later, we were pretty much dry, and now filled with warmth on the inside. We each found some pyjamas, as the night was to be a cold one, then went to brush our teeth together.

Once we were in bed, cosy amongst our duvets, I didn’t hesitate to find Dan and hold him close. Usually I would wait until he rolled over into my arms, but today I knew he needed it. The weight in my arms was something I was used to falling asleep with now, Dan’s warmth keeping my heart happy, and mine hopefully doing the same in return.

–

A couple of days later, Dan returned to see his therapist. For the first time ever, I accompanied him to the appointment, mainly as moral support. We both knew that this was a follow up about what happened the last time and may possibly result in a change to his medication. He was a little anxious about seeing his therapist again after the episode he had in her office just two days ago. When he expressed how he was feeling about going, I offered to come with him. I always offered, but until now, he hadn’t taken me up on it.

The appointment wasn’t very long; Dan’s therapist talked to him a little more about his anxiety and PTSD and agreed with him that he would start taking an increased dose of antidepressants to help him through it. She gave him a prescription for the new tablets, with the only difference being the increased strength. She had discussed with his doctor that this was the most sensible course of action for him. The antidepressants were already working for him; he just needed a stronger dose. It would be less of a shock to his body than trying him on something else entirely, and although there may be side effects, it was thought that these wouldn’t last much more than a week.

We left with the prescription and picked them up on the way home. The next day, Dan started on his double dose. At first, he seemed fairly normal, but by lunchtime on the second day, the side effects were starting to hit him.

It started as a headache, but by mid-afternoon he had his head in his hands and a bucket in his lap, complaining of feeling sick. There was nothing I could do other than make him tea and keep him company. I couldn’t get out of work that evening, but I got Dan to bed before I left and he was still sound asleep when I got home.

I took the next couple of nights off and stayed home with him, but his symptoms didn’t seem to change much. He complained of headaches and nausea and in general he was a bit spaced out, but it never seemed to escalate further than that. After seeing his symptoms weren’t getting worse I had faith that he would be okay by himself and decided to work another night, but this time I asked Louise over to keep an eye on him while I was gone as he wasn’t going to be asleep this time.

I must’ve been tempting fate with thinking he would be okay, because about an hour before the end of my shift, I got that all-too-familiar feeling of worry and I knew that Dan was throwing up. With it being about eleven o’clock on a weekday, I was down to only a couple of tables, so I rushed to see my manager to see if I could be excused. He was able to speak to a couple of my colleagues and agreed that they took on an extra table each. I thanked them, then grabbed my stuff and headed on my way.

I texted both Louise and Dan to say I was on my way home. They might very well have been too busy to pick it up, but it was worth a shot.

I unlocked our front door and was immediately saw Louise standing in the bathroom doorway. That must be where Dan was. I shut the door behind me, took off my jacket and called out a ‘hello’.

Louise let me past without a word, allowing me to crouch down next to Dan as he hunched over the toilet.

“I’m here now,” I said softly, gently putting my arm around him.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, “For umm… making you need to come home.”

“It’s fine,” I told him, “I was down to two tables so it was no problems for the others to take them on. You’re more important.”

“You’ve been sick once, yeah?” I confirmed, “How’re you feeling?”

“Shit,” Dan said, “Like I know there’s more but I don’t know if it’s gonna come up or not. I feel like it might, but then I’ve been feeling sick for the past few days and it’s never actually happened until now.”

“Okay,” I nodded, running my fingers through the damp hair on his forehead.

“Louise, what have you given him?” I asked, turning my head around to speak to her.

“Just water,” she said, “I didn’t know what else he should take because it’s the medication that’s making him feel this way.”

“Yeah, me neither,” I explained, “I’ve been going with water and tea the last few days and I don’t know if it really helps much.”

I turned back to Dan, “How about I go and make you some tea? D’you think that’ll help?”

“Don’t leave me,” he replied, looking up at me miserably.

“Okay,” I said, settling back on the floor next to him, “I wont.”

“I can make tea if you want?” Louise piped up from behind us.

“Dan?” I said, looking to him to see what he wanted, “D’you want some tea?”

Dan looked a bit unsure, but nodded anyway, “Okay.”

“Chamomile, yeah?” I confirmed with him.

Dan nodded again and I passed his decision onto Louise, “Okay, chamomile tea. The box of teabags is probably on the counter next to the kettle. If not, it’s in the cupboard above the kettle. No milk or sugar or anything.”

Louise headed off to make the tea and I turned my full attention back to Dan, “How sick are you feeling? D’you want to take the bucket and head back to the living room? Or wander around for a bit?”

“Maybe go to the living room with it, yeah,” Dan replied, slowly lifting his head up from where it rest on the toilet seat.

“Okay, take your time,” I said, getting up myself, then offering him a hand up.

Once he was back on his feet, Dan clutched the bucket to his chest and we slowly walked through to the living room. He settled on the closest sofa and gently tugged the hem of my shirt for me to sit down next to him. I sat down next to him and put my arm around him, comfortingly.

“Louise’ll only be a minute with the tea,” I told him, as looking up, I could see into our kitchen where Louise was slowly stirring the teabag around with a spoon.

Sure enough, it couldn’t have been much more than thirty seconds later, when Louise came through with the steaming cup in her hand and passed it over to Dan. He held it for a couple of minutes, to let it cool down enough for him to drink, then slowly started sipping on the hot drink.

It didn’t seem to be making him feel any worse, but then he wasn’t always very vocal about it, “Let me know if you feel any worse, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, then made a hesitant sound, “Actually, my head’s pretty sore again. Can I have more paracetamol yet?”

“Good point, yeah you can,” I said, getting up from the sofa to go and grab them from kitchen where he’d put them after dinner.

With the dregs of his tea, Dan swallowed his dose of the painkillers, then sank back into the sofa. He shut his eyes, which at first I presumed to be out of tiredness, but when he scrunched them up and brought a hand to his forehead, I realised it was out of pain.

“I think you need to get to bed,” I suggested, “You really don’t look too good.”

“Mmm,” Dan mumbled, sounding like he was agreeing with me.

“Right, how about you go and brush your teeth while I see Louise off?” I suggested.

Dan agreed, and with a little encouragement, I ushered him along to our room and into our en-suite. I left him alone to brush his teeth, while I showed Louise out. It took a couple of minutes, with her getting her stuff together and putting her coat on, a goodbye hug and then a few more things she’d forgotten to say, before she went out the door.

I was just opening the front door when Dan walked out of our room, only wearing his pyjama bottoms. He turned bright red as he realised Louise was still here and he was shirtless. Before he could run away, I put my arm out and pulled him into a hug, holding him close to my side so he could use me to cover himself up a little if he wanted.

I said my last goodbye to Louise with Dan glued to my side. It was only once I had shut the door that he stopped hiding himself behind me.

“I thought Louise would’ve gone already otherwise I wouldn’t have come out shirtless,” Dan explained, “I took my other one off because I’d sicked on it a little and I couldn’t be bothered finding a clean one.”

“It’s alright,” I said, “I know you felt a bit self-conscious but you didn’t need to be.”

“I know,” Dan nodded, “It’s just instinct.”

Noticing Dan seemed a bit unsteady on his feet, almost like he was going to pass out, I put my arm back around him and guided him back into our room.

“Bed time for you,” I said, light-heartedly, “You look like you’re going to pass out.”

“I feel a bit that way too,” Dan commented, letting me help him up into the bed.

Once Dan was laying down, settled with the duvet over him, I brought the bucket over next to the bed and put a glass of water on the bedside table.

“Right, water and a bucket there if you need either of them,” I told him, “But please wake me up if you’re feeling bad. I’ll join you in a couple of minutes.”

I left Dan to sleep and went and got myself ready for bed. When I returned he was already asleep, snoring softly with his face half-buried in the pillow. I got in next to him, and doing my best not to disturb him too much, I cuddled up next to him. I knew he would be cold with only being in pyjama bottoms and I knew he would appreciate it anyway.

–

Over the next few days, the side effects slowly died down and Dan started to feel a bit better. The antidepressants seemed to be doing their job better now, leaving him more or less anxiety free. He was sleeping better and having less random panic attacks. Emotionally, he still seemed a little spaced out, but I think that was preferable to the anxiety he’d been experiencing previously.

I was starting to see that he might be doing well enough to think about getting a job, but I would leave it until he mentioned it himself. I didn’t want to push things; he was the best he’d been in a while and that was progress.


	24. A Little Support

**Dan’s POV:**

Finally, I was feeling like myself again. It had been a little over a week since I’d had my medication dose upped and I was finally free of the side effects. I’d felt pretty terrible at first, with headaches and nausea as my body adjusted to it, but now I could see it was worth it. I wasn’t feeling anxious, like at all. I felt a little like all my emotions had dulled down a little, the highs and lows all being squashed closer to the zero line, but I could deal with that.

Phil had been leaving me home alone now I was feeling better. After the night I’d been ill, he’d made sure that at least Louise was with me if he couldn’t be. It was only once I was free from the debilitating nausea that he accepted I was fine to be left alone. For Phil and I, it was hard to be apart when one of us wasn’t feeling well. We relied on each other, and although Louise was good at looking after me, no one could quite compare to Phil. I felt a strong need for him when I was sick and I knew he felt as strong a need to be with me.

Tonight, Phil was on the earlier shift from four-thirty until nine. I preferred when he worked at this time, as it meant I actually got to spend some time with him in the evening, rather than him rushing off after an early dinner and heading straight to bed when he got home.

Our relationship was in no way defined by sex, but I’d learnt that sleeping would be the only thing happening in our bed after the late shift. It didn’t bother me too much, but there were days I was horny and struggled to get off without Phil’s help.

I was looking forward to tonight, as Phil and I had had a little chat earlier about how I was feeling and if I’d be up for something later. With how good I’d been feeling yesterday and today, I was more than up for it and I let Phil know I’d do a little preparation while he was out.

My little bit of preparation consisted of making sure everything was clean down there and having a little stretch as it had been a while; I didn’t want that stage to take too long later. Although it did turn me on a little, I’d learnt to do it in a controlled manner and save myself for Phil.

I’d thought about using a butt plug, I sometimes did, but I decided today wasn’t the day for that; it might turn me on a bit too much. Instead I would just put up with the empty feeling and deal with the fact I might tighten up a bit again before Phil got home. I still had two hours, more like two and a half as Phil had decided to walk to work today.

I was making myself dinner, some pasta in one pot and some sauce in another. I didn’t have Phil’s level of culinary genius, but I could make a handful of edible things. Phil probably wouldn’t entirely approve of my lame attempt at a sauce, tinned chopped tomatoes and vegetable stock, but it was food and that was what mattered.

As I sat alone, with my rather unremarkable plate of pasta in front of me, it crossed my mind that I could just not eat and Phil wouldn’t know. However, I wasn’t going to do that; I could, but I was better than that now. I didn’t mind eating these days; there were a few unhealthy things I couldn’t deal with, but I could keep myself nourished.

I think Phil’s cooking was one of the best things to ever happen to me, because in the early days, the fact it tasted so fucking amazing actually helped me to get through a plateful of food. I wish Phil got to cook more often, as it made him happy, but with his work shifts, dinner was always rather rushed for him. There were nights like tonight when he had a sandwich before he left and might have another when he came home, but that wasn’t dinner, not by Phil’s standards.

His current job wasn’t really what he wanted to do with his life, I knew that. Phil wanted to become a chef, and maybe open a restaurant someday. I knew he’d attended a number of cooking classes and had a couple of qualifications under his belt, but he needed to get back into cooking school if he wanted to achieve his dreams. His last set of cooking classes had been last spring. He’d never enrolled in any after the summer as I’d formed a bit of a roadblock in his life, but now I was ready to encourage him to get back to where he needed to be.

I made a note in my phone to mention that to Phil. Things might very well get steamy quickly when he got home, so the note would remind me tomorrow, or when it was a better time to bring it up. He could probably still apply for something in the coming academic year, starting in September. I could get a job to pay the pills and Phil could work on his dream. At the moment, that seemed like the best thing to do. I was still to find my dream and that would give me the time I needed to think about it. I’d said before that I had an interest in video production, so I would keep that in mind, maybe help Phil with his cooking channel a bit more, as he sometimes got a little bored of the editing.

When I’d finished my pasta, I helped myself to a biscuit from some baking that Phil had done earlier in the week. Phil sometimes worried that I didn’t eat enough sugar so he would make biscuits and encourage me to eat them. I didn’t feel too bad with it only being one biscuit and sometimes I noticed I felt a bit more alive after eating them. At the moment, they were round shortbread like things with a chocolate swirl through them. Phil liked to experiment and would make different things every time.

I took my dishes from the table and cleared up around the kitchen, loading everything into the dishwasher, apart from a couple of pots and a wooden spoon that I’d have to wash by hand. I was about to fill the sink when my phone started ringing, blaring out its ringtone over on our dining table.

Moving my hand away from where it hovered over the tap, I rushed to the other room to pick it up. I wondered who it would be, as Phil was working, he wouldn’t call unless something was wrong. I guessed it might be my mum, or maybe my brother.

I was fairly close with my guess of brother. It was Ethan, his soulmate. I grabbed the phone and answered it, pulling it to my ear. I wondered if something was wrong; we’d been keeping in contact periodically by text and he’d only ever phoned me after texting first to check I wasn’t busy.

“Hi, Ethan,” I greeted him, not saying much to give him have the chance to talk.

“Dan, I need your help,” Ethan said, his voice trembling a little.

Immediately filled with concern, I asked him what was up, “Okay, what’s wrong?”

“I accidentally outed myself to my dad, like he found out my soulmates a guy,” Ethan rushed, “I’ve been kinda avoiding the topic recently but he made me talk and a.. a ‘he’ slipped out and I couldn’t do anything about it. He beat me up for a while and then kicked me out of the house. I ran away; I’ve got as far as the park with the duck pond but everything hurts and I can’t go any further.”

“Okay, I’m going to come and get you,” I said, doing my best to sound calm for him, as he sounded rather panicky.

“Try and take some deep breaths, keep your breathing slow,” I advised him, “I’m on my way.”

I hurried to get ready, grabbing my coat, keys, medication, Phil’s car keys and putting on a pair of shoes.

I kept talking to Ethan while I did this, “Phil’s at work but he walked so thankfully I have the car. It’s a yellow Corsa. I’ll be like five minutes, ten tops.”

“Thanks,” Ethan said, mumbling a little.

“Okay, where are you in the park?” I asked him, as I shut the door to our flat and locked it.

“I’m by the railing on the high bit, where there’s the drop down to the pond,” he explained.

“Okay, d’you think you could move nearer the road or is that too much?” I asked, being careful as I didn’t want to ask him to do more than he was capable of.

“I don’t know if I can,” he said, groaning.

“Okay, don’t worry, I’ll come to you,” I told him, now halfway down the stairs.

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled, “M so sorry…”

Ethan made a choking sound, cutting himself off. I couldn’t figure out what was happening for a second, until I heard some sniffling sounds. I think he was crying.

“I’m going to be with you really soon,” I said, leaving the apartment building and heading over to Phil’s car, “I’m outside heading to the car now.”

I unlocked the car and got in, dumping my coat on the passenger seat.

“Okay, I’m in the car, I’m going to have hang up now so I can drive, but I’ll see you in five,” I told him.

“Okay, see you soon,” Ethan choked out a reply, then hung up the phone.

I tossed my phone onto the passenger seat with my coat and started the engine, getting going as quickly as I could. I took the most direct route to the park, focusing on getting there quickly.

I parked outside the park in a layby, which at any other time of day would be full of cars. I pocketed my phone, put on my coat and got out of the car, locking it behind me. I hurried into the park, thankfully knowing where I was going. Phil and I had been here a handful of times on dates so I knew the place pretty well.

As I approached the area Ethan had described, I could see a figure sat, leaning against the railings. When I was a little bit closer and I could confirm it was him.

“Ethan,” I said, crouching down in front of him and starting to take in the various injuries he was sporting.

“Thanks for coming,” he said, weakly.

“It’s okay, honestly,” I said.

I could see very clearly that his left eye was a bit swollen and starting to develop a bruise. He was just in a t-shirt, with a number of bloody scratches on his arms and he was hunched up, looking in a lot of pain.

“Are your legs okay?” I asked, after taking in his other injuries.

Ethan nodded weakly, not making any effort to speak.

“If I give you a hand, d'you think you can walk back to the car with me?” I asked him, knowing that he didn’t feel up to walking that far five minutes ago.

Ethan nodded again, “Yeah… just chest, hurts to breathe.”

“Okay, keep doing your best, I won’t make you talk too much,” I told him, “And we’ll go slowly.”

Realising how much he was shaking, I took off my coat and wrapped it around his shoulders, hoping that would block out some of the cold February air. I brought my hands under his arms and working with him, hoisted him to his feet. Once he was up, I brought my arm around him for a little support and we slowly starting heading in the direction of the car.

When we got there, I opened the passenger door and he got in with no problem. In the open doorway, I crouched next to him, deciding at this point, that I should check with him what all was hurting, in case it was the hospital we should be heading for instead of mine and Phil’s flat.

“Okay, is anything else hurt other than your face and your arms?” I asked.

“My chest… my dad punched me pretty hard there and then I ran and got really out of breath and…” he told me, pausing to cough.

“You don’t have asthma or anything, do you?” I asked, a bit concerned about his breathing.

“No,” he shook his head.

With him confirming that, I could put it down to panic over the situation as a whole, being kicked out his family home, “I think you’re panicking a bit, yeah? That’s understandable.”

Ethan nodded, a few more tears leaking from his eyes.

I opened up the glove box in front of him and pulled out a packet of tissues. I made a quick trip to the boot, where we kept a packet of water bottles and grabbed him one.

Once he had dried his eyes a little with a tissue, I got him doing a basic breathing exercise to help him calm down a little. I encouraged him to take small sips of water if he felt like it, as that too might help him feel a little better.

After a couple of minutes, he was struggling less and I felt I could talk to him again, “So you probably have a bit of bruising on your chest?”

Ethan nodded, a little bit less weakly this time.

“It’s a five minute drive back to mine and Phil’s place, you good to go?” I asked him.

“Okay,” he said, “Thank you.”

Closing the passenger door for Ethan, I made my way around to the other side and got in. I double-checked he was okay, and then set off.

On the one main road I took on the way home, we had a bit of a scare. A car speeded out of a side road and right across our path without looking. I had to slam the brakes on faster than I’d ever done in my life and let’s just say, thank fuck for the seatbelts.

Ethan cried out in pain, holding his hand to his chest. I felt panic rising in my throat instantly at what had been such a close call. I needed to pull over. Fifty metres ahead of us, there was a layby. I indicated and turned into it, so thankful there was somewhere we could stop.

“Are you okay?” I asked Ethan, the pain clear on his face.

“I’m fine, just the seatbelt tightened on my chest and it hurt a lot but it’s okay now,” Ethan said, stumbling over his words a little.

“I am so glad you were wearing one; I never even thought to check,” I said, running my hand over my own chest and feeling my heart pounding beneath my skin.

“You don’t mind if we stay here for a couple minutes?” I asked Ethan, pausing to take a couple of deep breaths, “I just… I feel a bit panicky and don’t want to have a panic attack while driving.”

“That’s fine,” Ethan said, something I recognised as concern building on his face.

Focusing on my breathing for a minute, I managed to calm myself down a bit, but I could still feel my heart beating fast. I wasn’t quite having a panic attack, not with the tears and shaking, but I was close.

“Ethan, there’s a tub of pills in the left pocket of my coat, could you pass me them?” I asked, “And the bottle of water from the door pocket?”

Not asking any questions, Ethan passed me the tub of pills and my water. I downed my dose of pills quickly, knowing they would start working soon. I didn’t really give much thought to driving after taking them, but I knew it would be preferable to driving while having a panic attack.

I concentrated on my breathing for another minute and told myself that I’d done good, stopping so quickly. I managed to calm myself down pretty well and I could feel my medication working its magic on slowing down my heart rate. After a couple of minutes, I decided I was sufficiently calm to continue driving.

I started the car and checked all around me for cars coming from funny places, before setting off. I turned into a quieter road a minute later and took a different route home, avoiding the main road. A couple of minutes later, we turned into the flats’ car park and I let out a sigh of relief once I’d parked the car back in our space.

Apart from being a little shaken up, I felt okay, which was good as I needed to put my focus on looking after Ethan. I took the keys out the car, put them in my pocket and headed round to the other side. Ethan was already out, looking a little better than he had when we got in.

“I’m no longer out of breath from running,” he told me, “That was why I was struggling so much earlier.”

“Okay, I’m glad you’re feeling a little better,” I smiled, “Ready for four flights of stairs?”

Ethan didn’t look terribly enthused, but walked ahead of me anyway. I locked the car and caught up with him, wanting to stay by his side, even if he was okay to walk by himself now.

I made sure Ethan took the stairs slowly; I didn’t want him getting any more tired out. When we reached the second floor, I unlocked the door to our flat and encouraged him in ahead of me.

“Right, head for the sofa. I’m gonna grab our first aid stuff and I’ll be with you in two minutes,” I told him, “Also, maybe send Adam a text and let him know you’re okay and that you’re with me. He’s probably in a lot of pain too and worried about you.”

I headed to the kitchen, where we kept most of the first aid stuff. Phil was a little accident prone and sometimes got his fingers by mistake instead of the carrots. I grabbed the plastic box that had a couple of varieties of plasters, some antiseptic stuff and a number of other things. I opened the freezer and took out the bag of frozen peas, a good ice pack that should help Ethan’s eye injury.

Thinking about Phil, I realised I should text him so he knew what was going on before he got home.

_Ethan got beat up by his dad and kicked out. I have him home now and I’m about to help sort out his injuries. Nearly had a panic attack on the way back from getting him, but I’m okay - I’ll explain later_

Returning my phone to my pocket, I wrapped the bag of peas in a tea towel and took it, with the first aid box, through to the living room, where Ethan was sat on a sofa, his phone in hand.

“I had three missed calls from Adam, but I’ve texted him now,” he said, “He’s not replied yet, should I be worried?”

“I’m sure our mum’ll be looking after him, but if he’s not replied in half an hour, I’ll call the home phone, okay,” I told him, nodding consolingly.

I sat down next to Ethan him and passed him the wrapped up bag of peas, “Frozen peas. Hold that to your eye and it’ll hopefully make the swelling less bad.”

Next, I got an antiseptic wipe and started to clean his arms. There were various scratches, but it looked less bad once I’d wiped the blood off. With the length of them, it would be difficult to put plasters on them, but they weren’t really too bad. My eyes moved over the scabs on his wrists, presumably those from a couple of weeks ago, before he met Adam. It struck me that they should probably have healed up by now, so maybe he was one for picking scabs.

I got Ethan to switch which arm he was holding the ice pack with so I could see his other wrist. Here I found another scratch from his Dad’s violence, which had flicked off parts of the scabs and left his wrist looking quite raw. This needed more attention.

I got a fresh wipe and cleaned it up. Ethan flinched when he realised where the scratch was and tried to pull his arm away.

“Ethan, I know about these, Adam was here when you made them,” I told him, “I’m not going to make you talk about it, but I’m going to make sure they’re all looked after.”

Rather disgruntled, Ethan gave me his arm back, refusing to meet my eye. I gently rubbed some antiseptic cream into this scratch, as it looked like it was maybe starting to septic. Ethan flinched again, but let me continue. I found a bandage to wrap around this wrist, as a plaster wouldn’t quite cut it.

“Ethan, I think we should maybe look at your chest,” I said to him, “Or at least you take at a look at it if you’d rather.”

“It’s fine, I don’t mind if you see too,” he said, “It’s probably better to have a second opinion.”

Laying the frozen peas to the side for a minute, Ethan took his shirt off and lay back on the sofa, his eyes widening at the bruises starting to form on his chest. So far, they were just reddening blotches, with darker patches clearly made by the knuckles of his dad’s fist. He slowly ran his fingers over the injured skin and winced as they skimmed over the bruising.

It looked really painful and I wondered whether his dad could’ve had the strength to break his ribs. Most likely they were just bruised, but even if they were broken, they should heal by themselves. We would see how things progress.

“I’m going to get something else out the freezer for you to put on that,” I told him, “And d’you want some paracetamol?”

“That would be good, thanks,” Ethan replied, staring dejectedly down at his chest.

“Okay,” I said, getting up and heading for the kitchen.

I pulled another bag of frozen veg out of the freezer and found another tea towel to wrap it in so the cold wasn’t directly on his skin. I filled a glass with water from the sink and grabbed the box of paracetamol from where they sat in a clump of assorted medicines on the counter. Only moments later, I returned to Ethan with them, laying the cold bundle down on the table while I handed him the box of water and the paracetamol.

Once he took the tablets, I took the box back from him, something in my mind telling me I should maybe be wary about leaving them around. I knew he’d overdosed on something before, but I had no idea if he was likely to try it again. I handed him the second bag of frozen veg and took the paracetamol back to the kitchen, putting all the medication away in a cupboard out of sight.

I knew that realistically, he would get cold eventually, so I just said to Ethan to keep the ice on his injuries until he felt he couldn’t take it any more. In the end, he lasted about fifteen minutes, before he started shivering. I took the frozen vegetables off him and returned them to the freezer; they probably wouldn’t have defrosted too much.

Ethan was still shirtless in the living room, looking at his shirt miserably. As I approached him, I realised what the problem was. There was a bit of blood from his arms on the shirt and he probably didn’t fancy putting it back on.

“D’you want to borrow a t-shirt?” I asked him.

“Yeah, that would be good,” he said, “This one’s a little bit gross now.”

“Actually, it’s nearly nine, d'you want to borrow some pyjamas?” I suggested, thinking he might as well put on what he was going to sleep in.

“I can stay over?” Ethan asked surprised, surprised.

“Of course,” I said, firmly, “You’re staying here for as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” Ethan said, getting to his feet and hugging me, “So much… I don’t have anywhere else…”

Hearing from his voice that he was emotional, I hugged him for a little longer, letting him have the consolation he needed, “Okay, I’m going to get you some pyjamas and then I’ll phone my mum and see what’s happening with Adam.”

“Thanks,” he said, sniffling a little.

I left Ethan to find him some pyjamas, heading to mine and Phil’s room and rummaging around in my drawer. I had a particular pair in mind, which I think I’d only worn maybe once, but they didn’t fit me anymore. Ethan was a little smaller than me and I was guessing they would be about his size.

I took them to the lounge and handed them to Ethan, “These are pretty new, but they don’t fit me anymore. Phil and I’ll get you sorted out with a few things of your own in due course, but you’ll need to make do for tonight.”

“Thanks,” Ethan said, still a little tearful, “I basically have nothing at the moment so…”

“They’re officially yours if you want,” I told him, with a gentle smile.

I let Ethan know he could go and get changed in the bathroom. In the meantime, I went to check over our spare bedroom and make sure it was ready for a guest. It was more or less good to go; Phil and I had put the sheets back on the bed after we’d washed them from Adam being here, so it was all set up and ready to go.  All I needed to do was move a couple of things that Phil and I had dumped in there to get them out of the way. There was one of Phil’s coats that he didn’t wear much, some cardboard boxes and packaging that should really be in the recycling and the hoover. I moved them all to our office, which we didn’t really use much and functioned mainly as a storage room. The guest room was now ready to go.

Ethan was still in the bathroom, which thankfully Phil cleaned after I threw up. I was trying to think of what other essentials he would need… a toothbrush and toothpaste. I took to mine and Phil’s ensuite bathroom and had a rummage through the cupboard. I’d had a feeling that we had a new toothbrush and toothpaste in there as spares for when ours needed replaced. I took them through and was just past the bathroom door, when Ethan emerged, now dressed in pyjamas and a little damp in the face.

With that, I realised he would need a towel to dry his face on. I handed him the toiletries and headed for the cupboard we kept towels in, “These are for you; I’m just gonna grab you a towel.”

Ethan took the towel I gave him and gently patted his face cry, avoiding the bruised area around his eye. He let out a sigh and folded the towel up to put it on the towel rail.

“Tired?” I asked him.

Ethan nodded, “I know it’s early, but I’ve had all my energy beaten out of me, literally.”

“D’you want some tea or coffee or something before we phone Adam?” I asked him.

“Tea would be good,” he mumbled, picking up his clothes from the floor and flicking off the bathroom light.

“What kind?” I asked, so used to having different tea depending on how I was feeling.

“Uhh… normal?” Ethan replied, clearly unsure of the other options, “With milk and sugar.”

“Okay, sure, I’ll get the kettle on,” I told him, “D’you want me to wash your clothes?”

“Could you?” Ethan said, “That would be great.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I said, taking the pile of clothes he was holding, “You go and take a seat in the living room. I’ll be in two minutes.”

I dumped Ethan’s clothes in a pile in front of the washing machine and put the kettle on to boil. I sorted his clothes; his underwear jeans and socks were all dark so those could go in together. His t-shirt would need a little more attention. Thankfully, I’d actually figured out how the washing machine here worked, so I got it started in no time. We had a bucket we kept under the sink for the odd thing we had to hand wash, so I filled it with cold water and a little stain remover and left the t-shirt to soak in it. I didn’t know if it would work, but it was the best I could do.

“Dan, can I use this blanket?” Ethan called from the living room, holding one of the blankets that just seemed to live on our sofa now.

“Yeah, of course, that’s what it’s for,” I replied, glad he had asked rather than sitting there being cold.

The kettle had only just boiled, perfect timing to make the tea. I made a cup for both of us, deciding that I could have some myself while the water was hot. I carried the two cups of tea through to the living room and set them down on the coffee table.

“It might need to cool a little, but there you go,” I said, “D’you want anything to eat? A biscuit or something? Wait, have you had dinner?”

“I’ve had dinner, yeah,” Ethan confirmed, “Well most of it. It kinda got cut short though, so a biscuit or something would be good.”

“Okay,” I said, hurrying to the kitchen and grabbing the box of biscuits Phil had made, “Phil made these. They’re really good; help yourself.”

“When’s he home?” Ethan asked, glancing at the clock, which showed it was a couple of minutes to nine.

“We’ll he’ll be finishing his shift in the next couple of minutes, so probably about half nine, as he needs to get his stuff from the back room and then walk home,” I explained.

I had just brought my phone out of my pocket to call my family’s home phone, when the screen lit up with Phil calling.

“Oh, Phil’s calling. I texted him with what happened, so he’s probably wanting to hear more,” I told Ethan, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short so we can call my mum.”

I picked up the phone, “Hi Phil.”

“Dan. Right, I’ve just finished my shift; I’m through the back now getting my stuff and I’ll hurry home. Have you got everything under control? Have you been in contact with Adam?” Phil rushed, his speech a little unclear but I still got the message.

“Yeah, I’ve had the first aid kit and the frozen peas out and done what I can,” I explained, “I’ve given him some pyjamas, we’ve just sat down with some tea and we’re about to phone my parents. Adam hasn’t replied to the text Ethan sent him, but I’m sure I’ll be able to get through to my mum or dad.”

“Okay, well I won’t keep you,” Phil said, “I’ll see you soon… love you.”

“Love you Phil, bye,” I replied, pausing a second then ending the call.

As soon as I ended the call with Phil, I got started on the call home. I pressed the call button and held the phone to my ear. It rang a number of times and I thought it was about to ring out, when my Dad picked up.

“Dan, son, this isn’t really the best time. Adam’s in a lot of pain from his soulmate and he tried to call him maybe like an hour ago and he wouldn’t pick up. He’s gotten so worried, he’s having some kind of breakdown,” my dad told me, “Mum’s with him; she’s doing her best, but there’s not really much she can do.”

“Dad, Ethan called me for help and I have him here with me now. He’s got a few injuries but he’s okay, he’s conscious and drinking a mug of tea,” I told him, “Let Adam know he’s okay and maybe get him on the phone so they can speak.”

“Oh thank God,” my dad said, “Right I’m going to tell him.”

I heard the squeak of my parents bedroom door and a bit of scuffling. I heard the voices of my parents distantly, then some more scuffling as the phone was handed over.

Adam sound very rough as he picked up, “Dan? You’ve got Ethan there?”

“Yup, he’s a bit beaten up as I’m sure you know, but I’ve done what I can with the first aid kit, some ice and some painkillers,” I explained.

“Thank you so much for taking care of him,” Adam choked, “Can I speak to him?”

“Of course, I’ll pass you over right now,” I said, handing the phone to Ethan.

I watched as Ethan explained all what happened to Adam, it tearing my heart out to hear some of the details he hadn’t told me. I wished this hadn’t happened to him, but something told me that life would get better for him from here on in.

He talked to Adam about it for a while, constantly on the verge of tears and having to pause occasionally to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. I’d asked him if he wanted me to leave to give him some privacy, but it seemed having me by his side was giving him some of the support he needed.

About twenty past nine, I heard the door open and turned around to see Phil taking his coat off. He was a little red in the face, but then he was home ten minutes earlier than I’d expected; he must have rushed. Phil came over to where I was sitting, leant over the back of the sofa and messed up my hair. I’d more or less given up on stopping him from doing that; it didn’t really matter as we were at home.

Phil bent down to whisper in my ear, “I’m going to grab a glass of water and I’ll be back.”

Phil had started to leave for the kitchen when I called him back, “Phil.”

“Yeah?” Phil murmured, back behind the sofa.

“Go and get changed or take a shower or whatever you feel you need to do,” I suggested, “We’re doing okay here.”

Phil left for our room, with the suggestion that Ethan and Adam could move their conversation to Skype so that they could see each other.

This idea seeming a good one, I butted to Ethan and Adam’s conversation, “Ethan, tell Adam to get mum to Skype me… then you can see each other.”

Ethan passed on the message and I grabbed my laptop from the coffee table, opening up the Skype application. It was a couple of minutes before my mum came online, so the boys kept to the phone in the meantime, but soon enough me and my mum were ready to pass the laptops over.

I took my phone back from Ethan and continued my conversation with my mum. We had a couple of things to talk about, the most urgent being Ethan and Adam’s current situation. I went away to the office with the phone, so there wasn’t interference with the Skype call going on in the living room.

“I don’t think they should be apart,” I told her, “Like, yes he’s only been here an hour, but I can see Ethan’s not good. He’s holding together at the moment, but he needs Adam. I know he can’t make everything better in an instant, but the support of his soulmate is really what Ethan needs.”

“I agree; they need to be together,” my mum said, thoughtfully, “Adam’s not been doing much better over the last two weeks, since he came home from you. Yes, things have been better now that he knows Ethan and can talk to him, but it’s hurting him to not be with him.”

“Could you and Dad bring Adam up here?” I asked, “Or are you too busy with work?”

“I’ll speak to Dad about it,” she said, “I don’t really want to shove him on a train up alone in this state. Plus, Dad and I haven’t seen where you’re living yet, so we could make a little trip out of it.”

“Yeah, if you can get the time off, that would be an idea,” I told her, “Though you and Dad’ll need to stay in a hotel because Phil and I only have one spare bed and it’s now Ethan’s.”

“What about Adam? Do we want him sharing with Ethan?” she asked, “They might… you know…”

“Have sex?” I finished, brashly, “You can’t really stop them as they’ll both be old enough in a few days. Whether they would or not, I don’t know, but I doubt you’ll be able to separate them easily.”

“Would you mind, if they like did it in your spare room?” she asked.

“Not really,” I said, pausing to think about it, “Like clearly there’s some logistics to think about, such as Phil and I making sure they have privacy, but I don’t have any problem with it. I’ll maybe have a little chat with Adam once he’s here, see what he’s thinking, if he’s ready, if he’s kitted out to be safe when they do.”

“Are you and Phil… ummm…?” she started, trailing off, clearly unsure how to ask her question.

“Sexually active? Yes,” I answered briskly, although a little embarrassed, ”Safe? Well we’re both tested so we’re good.”

I could almost feel my mum turning red at the other end of the phone. I stayed quiet, waiting for her to say something, to acknowledge what I’d said.

“Dan, the reason I never gave you a sex talk is because I don’t really know how it works between guys, so I’m glad you figured that out yourself,” she admitted, “I haven’t given Adam one either, d’you think he’ll figure it out? Ethan probably won’t know either because his family didn’t know he…”

“Mum, I’m sure they’ll figure it out,” I interrupted her ramblings, “But I’ll talk to Adam and see if he needs any advice.”

“Thank you,” she said, sounding a little tearful.

“You alright, Mum?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she paused, sniffing, “Just getting a little emotional about both my boys being grown up.”

“You’ve still got two years before Adam’s eighteen, I wouldn’t get too emotional,” I said, trying to make things better.

“I know,” she said, now putting on a cheery voice, “I’m going to go and talk to your dad about how soon we can bring Adam up; I’ll phone back in five-ten minutes.”

I returned to the living room, to find Phil having taken my earlier spot on the sofa next to Ethan. He’d clearly had a quick shower as he was now sitting in his pyjamas with wet hair. As I approached he moved over to give me my space back. I settled between him and Ethan, and looked over at the laptop, where I could see my brother’s face. Now Ethan had told him all what had happened, the conversation was more spread between us. I asked Adam how he was doing and if he’d been managing to get on track again with school over the last couple of weeks.

“I’m getting there,” he told me, “Like there are bits I’ve missed, so mum and dad are thinking about getting me tutors over Easter to help me figure out what I’ve missed.”

This sparked a thought in Ethan’s mind and he added to the conversation, “I don’t even know if I’m going to be sitting my exams. I don’t really know, but my mum told the school a bit of what happened and I’m off ill until further notice. They were sending bits of work for me but I never really got much done…”

At this moment, my mum burst into the room at Adam’s end, “Right, Adam, Dan… I’ve spoken with Dad. He has the day off tomorrow and I can phone in with a family emergency and we can be up there by lunchtime. How does that sound?”

“That’s fine,” I nodded, watching the happiness build on Adam and Ethan’s faces.

Adam turned away to talk to my mum and next to me Ethan was getting a little emotional, smiling, but tears starting to roll down his cheeks. I asked Phil to grab the tissues and passed him a couple, putting an arm around him and trying to give him a little emotional support.

This was clearly what he needed, as Ethan took this as an invite and curled up, leaning into me, seeking a hug. I brought my arms around him and held him steady as he was overcome by a bout of sobbing. I could see Adam on the laptop, trying to get Ethan’s attention, but it wasn’t really working.

“Ethan,” I mumbled, “Adam’s saying you need to take a couple of deep breaths and try to calm down a little.”

Ethan, nodded, shakily inhaling and exhaling. The tears were still leaking from his eyes, but he was trying to regain control.

“M sorry,” he mumbled, both to me and to the laptop, “I’m really tired and everything’s a bit much, but I’m glad I’ll see you tomorrow, Adam.”

I could see how tired Ethan was and half of his crying was from pure emotional exhaustion. I was worried about him; I knew he needed to get to bed.

“I think you two should finish up for the night,” I suggested, looking to Ethan and to Adam.

Ethan nodded, “Yeah, if you don’t mind Adam.”

“That’s fine, of course,” Adam said, “I’ll let you get some sleep. I wish I could give you a hug, but that’ll need to wait until tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled.

“Dan,” Adam started, “Thanks for taking care of him. Make sure he gets to sleep okay for me.”

“I will,” I nodded, not even needing to be told as some part of my family instinct was making sure I took care of Ethan; he was pretty much family after all.

Once the call had ended, I gave Ethan a couple of minutes to himself, then encouraged him up to go clean his teeth. I waited until he was in bed, then went to check up on him and ask if he needed anything.

“No, I’m good,” Ethan told me, but not sounding entirely convincing.

“Okay, goodnight then,” I said, slowly shutting the door; he probably just needed his space.

Only a moment after the door clicked shut, Ethan’s voice sounded from inside, “Dan?”

“Yeah?” I asked, opening the door again.

“I’m scared,” Ethan admitted, his voice trembling a little.

“Of what…?” I asked gently, pulling the chair over neared the bed and taking a seat.

“My future,” Ethan told me, struggling a little to get the words out, “Because I’ve pretty much dropped out of school; I couldn’t cope with it. I was in hospital at the start of the year and I haven’t been back since. I’m pretty much off ill for mental health reasons until further notice, but I couldn’t focus on any of the work that got sent home so I just gave up. I’m probably not going to sit my exams, ‘cause if I did, I’d be bound to fail. So then what? I’ve got a handful of mediocre GSCE results under my belt that no one really wants. I’m not going to be able to go to uni, or get a job easily and I don’t even have my family to support me. My thousand pounds in the bank isn’t gonna get me far if I don’t even have my debit card.”

“Ethan, I know it’s not the same as your parents, but you have Adam… and me and Phil, and my parents. We’re your family too and we’re all here to support you,” I said, resting my hand on the duvet that covered his back, “Clearly your situation with school is difficult, but we’ll figure something out. We’ll talk about it with my parents, they’ll know what to do.”

I sat with Ethan for a little bit to make sure he was okay. I knew Phil was waiting for me in the living room, but I knew he wouldn’t mind. In fact, he’d probably insist one of us did exactly what I was doing.

I stayed until Ethan started to doze off, creeping quietly out the room. I’d done what I’d promised Adam and made sure he got to sleep okay. I’m sure everything would be better tomorrow once they were together.

–

I joined Phil in the living room and let him know that all was well. Clearly our plans for the evening had been thwarted a little, but there were no harsh feelings. Phil and I talked for a while about what all had happened, making sure he was fully informed about Ethan’s injuries.

We gradually got ourselves ready for bed, it not really mattering if we were in bed early as we could just sit and chat comfortably.

Once we were in bed, I went over a few things with Phil. I told him about what happened earlier with the near miss with the car that sped out of a junction in front of us. At the time it had been terrifying, but with everything that had gone on since then, it was starting to fade into the back of my mind. Phil let me know how relieved he was that we were okay and congratulated me on handling my anxiety about the situation well.

“How are  _you_  feeling with what’s happened to Ethan? Seeing the outcome of another abusive relationship; is that affecting you at all?” Phil asked, a little cautiously.

“A little, yeah,” I nodded, “Like the bruises… I had bruises after… uhh… but I managed to focus on looking after him, but it’s reminding me of what happened to me and I don’t like it.”

Phil lifted me the short distance into his lap and made his arms a little more snug around me, “If it gets too much, let me know immediately. Though I suspect he’ll be looking more to Adam for support as of tomorrow.”

“I know,” I nodded, “It just hurts to see him this down and to know so well why he’s feeling that way.”

Phil nuzzled his face into his neck, “It might not be easy, but he’s going to be okay… and you’re going to be okay too.”

“We need to make sure he gets counselling or therapy or something soon,” I said, “Like we don’t know how much this is going to affect him in the long run.”

“I’ll make a note of that,” Phil said, grabbing his phone from the bedside table, “That’ll remind me to bring it up if we forget.”

“Good,” I smiled, resting my head on Phil’s shoulder.

I took a couple of deep breaths, inhaling some of Phil’s warmth. It was relaxing to be this close with him, but my body was still craving something more, a feeling of arousal still pooled silently in my abdomen from earlier in the afternoon. I wasn’t really sure what to do about it… could we still do something even though Ethan was here, or would that be too risky as he could overhear us? Not even realising, I let out a quiet groan, something Phil wouldn’t have heard if we hadn’t been so close.

“Dan?” Phil said softly, “You okay?”

Knowing I wouldn’t gain anything from keeping it from him, I let Phil know what the issue was, “I need to get off… or something.”

“Ahh,” Phil mumbled, “Did you stretch earlier ‘cause we were planning something?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, nodding, “Like I’ve been saving myself for you. I haven’t gotten off since we last did together.”

“Dan, that was over a week ago,” Phil said, shocked, “Even I’ve had a wank in the shower and I’m the old one here.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t feeling up to it with all the medication side effects, but I’m good now,” I explained, “I did start a couple of times but got too tired before I could finish. Now I feel like I’m going to explode if I wait much longer.”

“You’re not going to explode,” Phil laughed, “We can still do something, but you’ll need to be fairly quiet. I’m thinking quite calm and not too rough; that’ll help you relax.”

“Sounds good,” I said, “How would you like me?”

“Stay where you are; this is good,” Phil told me, “I’m going to let you take a bit of control here and ride me. Does that sound okay?”

“Yup,” I nodded, starting to envisage how this was going to happen, “Good plan.”

Phil returned his head to the crook of my neck, nuzzling his face in again but this time starting with some kisses. By now, Phil knew exactly where my sensitive spots were, probably better than I did. Phil worked slowly from my neck to my jaw, then up to my mouth, meanwhile slipping his hand under the bottom of my t-shirt and caressing the skin of my lower back.

Kissing me deeply, Phil slipped his hand round to my chest, firmly rubbing over my nipple. Suddenly feeling the need for more, I brought my chest closer to Phil’s, craving that closeness. He put his hand out to stop me; for a moment I felt a sense of rejection, that was until he slid both hands under my shirt and lifted it over my head. Phil’s shirt followed and finally I got the closeness I desired.

The warm mass of Phil’s chest pressed up against mine made me feel all bubbly inside. I don’t know if that stemmed from it having been so long since we had this level of intimacy, or just the fact I was so turned on already, starting to feel myself growing hard.

Keeping one hand on my back to keep me close, Phil reached his other down between us and began to touch me through my boxers. It didn’t take long for me to be thrusting into Phil’s palm, fully hard and ready for more. He too had a tent growing in his pyjama bottoms. With both selfish desire and a wish to turn Phil on further, I shuffled forward a little and ground down against him. He had to bite his lip and breathe out loudly to suppress a moan.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

Dan was slowly killing me with the way he was moving and I was struggling to keep things together. There came a moment when Dan paused and I decided it was time to put the attention back on him. I helped him out of his boxers, licked a couple of my fingers and rubbed them gently over his entrance. I didn’t do it, not without lube, but I felt how easy it would be to just slip them in.

Getting Dan to lift himself up for a moment, I pulled my pyjama bottoms down to my knees and reached out for the lube. Moments later, he settled back on my lap, his length positioned perfectly to have a swordfight with mine. I lubed up my fingers and got started with a little stretching. I could tell Dan had done a lot himself earlier, but the last thing I wanted was to be rough on him when he was a little emotionally sensitive.

I had to shush Dan a couple of times when my fingers brushed his sweet spot. I decided to reduce the distance that had grown between our upper bodies, one for the change in angle, and two so I could capture his mouth in a kiss to keep him quiet. Dan’s moans now muffled themselves in my mouth, a great outcome meaning that I could hear him but we were still being quiet enough.

With Dan’s needy moans and my straining length, I decided it was time we actually got down to doing it. First coating myself in some lube, I lifted Dan up, hands gripping his bumcheeks, and helped him sink slowly onto me. Of course, we started slowly, but today we kept the speed a bit slower, more controlled.

I kept my hands on Dan, supporting some of his weight to make things easier for him, but still letting him have the majority of the control. The sensual experience of his pleasure and movements was doing it for me and Dan seemed to be getting just what he needed out of it. He was rolling his hips and moaning into my mouth and everything that was making him feel good was making me feel ecstatic also.

By no means did this turn out to be a quick fuck; it took us a while to reach a state of orgasm, but it was completely worth it.

“M close,” Dan mumbled me a warning, bouncing a little faster and working his hand up and down himself.

I let my hand join Dan’s for the final few strokes, giving him a little bit extra to help him get over the edge. Dan’s orgasm started with him tightening around me, then the spurts of white started to decorate our hands and chests.

Having Dan orgasm around me was enough to get me there too. We pretty much rode out our orgasms together, although Dan’s lasted longer and was a lot more intense, him trembling and shaking as he came, doing his best to stay quiet.

Despite starting to feel a little overstimulated, I let Dan continue to ride me until he was finished. Spent, he pulled himself off me and returned to just sitting on my thighs, my hands still on his bum to hold him as he came down from his intense high. He was still trembling slightly, letting out little pants and holding onto me tightly.

For a minute we just sat there, both of us needing the time to recover. Dan seemed a lot more drained of energy than I was; I couldn’t see him getting up to get himself cleaned up.

“I’m going to go grab a washcloth and I’ll help you get cleaned up,” I told him, forcing him to move a little so I could get out from underneath him.

I headed into our ensuite, grabbed a washcloth from the side of the bath - one that had likely been used for similar purposes before but washed since - and ran it under the hot tap. I waited until the water had made it pleasantly warm, before turning the tap off and wringing it out so it wouldn’t drip everywhere.

I gently wiped down where Dan had come on himself, not wanting him to be uncomfortably sticky in his sleep. Before getting into bed next to him, I wiped some similarly sticky areas on myself and tossed the cloth to the side of the room, into a pile of clothes for washing.

I put my pyjama bottoms back on so I wasn’t completely naked and got into bed with Dan. I asked him if he wanted any of his pyjamas back on, but he just refused sleepily and cuddled up to my side. I made sure the duvet was covering him well, wished him goodnight and held him close as we both drifted off to sleep.


	25. Reunited

**Dan’s POV:**

Waking up with Phil’s arms wrapped around me always made my morning more pleasant. Despite being naked, I felt warm and I knew I had Phil to thank for that, his body curled around me and the duvet tucked underneath me at the other side. He was still sleeping peacefully, his hair which was perfect by day, messily strewn over his eyes. I brushed the hair aside, hoping I could wake him up nicely.

A cramping in my upper thigh hit me suddenly and I was forced to stretch my leg out to try and relieve it. I kicked Phil in the process; I felt bad, but this hurt. I knew it was just the exertion from last night coming back to haunt me. I’d probably used some muscles that I didn’t usually.

“Mmm Dan?” Phil mumbled sleepily, “You gettin’ up?”

“Sorry, some muscle in my thigh did something weird and I kicked you,” I explained, “I’m a bit achey from last night.”

“Awhh, I’m sorry,” Phil said, apologising.

“It’s not your fault,” I told Phil, pecking him on the lips, “And don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’m gonna get up and walk around the room a bit, see if I can walk it off.”

I got out of bed and slowly walked around it to Phil’s side, my legs protesting all the way. I paused for a moment, grabbing onto the side of the bed as a moment of dizziness passed through my head. I felt Phil’s hand grab onto the skin of my hip and pull me down onto the bed.

“I think you got up too fast,” he mumbled, sitting up and making sure I was laying down comfortably, “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine, just a little achey, that’s all,” I explained.

Phil moved away from me, leaving space for another person between us, “Roll over onto your front.”

I did as Phil said, rolling over and settling on my stomach. Phil encouraged my legs apart and sat between them. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he was planning, until I felt him gently squeezing my thighs, rubbing them experimentally with his thumb.

“Tell me what feels good,” Phil said, letting his hands wander over my thighs and bottom.

“Everything so far,” I mumbled after a while, revelling on the feeling of Phil’s hands on my rear, easing some of the tension that lingered there.

I was in quite a vulnerable state, spread out on my front, butt-naked, in front of Phil. He was doing well with massaging all the right spots; I’d need to thank him for this later, but currently my thoughts were all focused on relaxing but not letting myself get too turned on.

A hesitant knock at our bedroom door suddenly interrupted our bubble of calm, “Dan? Phil?”

“Uhh two seconds…” Phil rushed, hurriedly tossing the duvet over me, “Okay Ethan, come in.”

The door opened, revealing a sleepy looking Ethan. I was rolling over under the duvet so I could see him, ruffling it up a little around my crotch to protect my modesty. At first glance, he had just looked sleepy, with one eye shut, but looking a little more closely, I realised that it was significantly bruised purple and from the looks of things, swollen shut.

“Sorry, umm I cant open my eye and my chest is hurting a lot again. Can I get some painkillers or something?” Ethan mumbled, looking a bit flustered.

“Yeah, sure,” Phil said, getting off of the bed and heading for the door, “Dan, I’ll be back in two minutes.”

I sat waiting for Phil to get back, desperate for his hands to return to working their magic on my behind. I was itching to touch myself but unsure if I wanted to commit; I’d need a little time and then there was always the risk that Phil brought Ethan back with him. I forced myself to wait patiently, my hand hovering above my crotch, keeping the covers lifted up to save me from unwanted contact.

“I’ve given him ibuprofen and paracetamol because he’s hurting a lot,” Phil told me, entering our room again and shutting the door behind him, “I’ve given him a towel and suggested he takes a shower as the warm water might be quite soothing.”

Phil paused, sitting down on the bed next to me, “Now, what shall we do about you, mister? A warm bath? That might be quite soothing.”

“Can we do that with Ethan having a shower?” I asked, the thought of a bath sounding quite nice, but being unsure if the water would let us do both at once.

“Should be able to, yeah,” Phil nodded, “The shower through there is an electric one so it doesn’t use the hot water.”

“Will you be joining me?” I asked Phil, assuming he would but not wanting to be too presumptuous.

“Hmm,” Phil thought aloud, “I was thinking of jumping in the shower, but that would definitely be too much water running at once, so yeah, I’ll join you in the bath for five minutes.”

Phil started the bath running, then came to give me a hand through there, a gesture I appreciated with my aching legs. Phil made no comment about my morning erection until we were comfortably settled in the bath, his legs either side of me.

“Would you like some help with this or are you trying to ignore it?” Phil asked softly, his hand hovering above my thigh.

“I had been ignoring it as I couldn’t be bothered, but yeah, I’d appreciate the help,” I admitted.

Phil wrapped his hand around my dick and proceeded to give me a very laid back handjob. I finished in a facecloth so I didn’t mess up the water too much. Phil left me after that, scooping up some bubbles from behind me and mischievously messing up my hair with them.

“You relax for a bit longer,” Phil said, as he got dried and put some clothes on, “I’m going to get the breakfast stuff out and maybe start eating mine. I’ll see you through there at some point.”

I stayed in the bath for another ten minutes, until it started to get cold. It was really quite relaxing and I thanked Phil for his idea. The little bit of alone time had also been rather soothing on my brain, which had been feeling a little overwhelmed and jumbled.

My thighs felt better too, I realised as I got dried and walked through to our room to find some clothes. I got dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, along with my comfiest boxers as I was feeling soft and a little sensitive, with not much desire to be sexy.

I could hear the shower on as I passed the other bathroom; Ethan must have taken up Phil’s suggestion too. I joined Phil at the table for breakfast; he had finished his cereal but was still quietly nursing a big mug of coffee.

“Hey,” I said, taking my seat across from him, “Thanks for the bath; I feel a lot better now.”

“It’s no problem,” he said, passing me the cereal, “I’m glad.”

Phil stayed and talked to me while I ate my cereal, “I’m going to make some soup this morning, so when everyone’s here for lunch, we’ve got something nice to have. I’ve checked and we have everything we need for chicken noodle, does that sound good?”

“Mmm,” I nodded, “Yeah, I think my family all like that. Don’t know about Ethan, but I would go for it anyway.”

Once I’d finished my cereal, I took my medication, which Phil had put by my place, along with a glass of water.

“Well, I was thinking I could take Ethan out shopping for a few essentials,” I said to Phil, “Like a couple of t-shirts, some underwear, etcetera…”

“Ooh yeah, good idea,” Phill said, “Well you guys can do that while I make the soup.”

“I’m probably going to get started on chopping the vegetables just now,” Phil told me, “They can take a while.”

Phil headed to the kitchen to get started on the vegetables and I cleared up our breakfast dishes, just leaving those for Ethan on the table. I decided to offer him some help with the vegetables. Okay, I couldn’t cook like Phil, but I could slice a carrot.

Phil and I were both busy slicing vegetables when Ethan came into the kitchen, dressed in jeans, underwear and socks, but clearly missing a shirt, as it was still soaking in cold water with some stain remover.

“Hey, can I borrow a shirt?” he said, glancing down at his heavily bruised chest.

“Sure,” I said, rinsing the carrot juice off my hands and gesturing for him to follow me to mine and Phil’s room.

“You a size small, I’m guessing?” I said, pulling out a selection of t-shirts that were a bit tight on me these days.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Are you?”

“Not really,” I admitted, “A year ago, a small was a bit big on me, but they’re a bit tight now… so umm… take your pick.”

A wave of bad thoughts about my body washed over me for a second as I looked at the t-shirts I used to wear. I had plenty shirts that still fit me fine, but there were a couple of these that made me feel a bit sick to look at, now that I remembered the memories that went with them. I fiddled nervously with the hem of the shirt I was wearing, which, come to think of it, was actually Phil’s.

Thankfully, Ethan picked out a plain grey one I didn’t have any issues with and I was free to hide the rest back at the bottom of my drawer. I should probably take them to a charity shop sometime, but part of me still clung onto them with the hope they would fit.

“Breakfast’s ready when you are,” I told Ethan, as he put the shirt on, “And presuming you’re up for it, you and I are going shopping after.”

“For?” Ethan question.

“Well I’m not washing your one pair of boxers everyday and I’m presuming you’re going to want to change your t-shirt and trousers every so often,” I teased him.

“Okay,” Ethan laughed, “Yeah, I’m up for that.”

Ethan went to eat his breakfast and I returned to slicing Phil’s carrot. It didn’t really take long, so once I gave Phil the pile of carrot slices, I went to see how Ethan was getting on with his breakfast.

Earlier this morning his eye appeared to be swollen shut, but now he’d managed to open it up. The purple bruising was still there; that would take a few days to return to normal. Ethan was rubbing his face as I approached him, which at first I thought nothing of; everyone was tired in the morning after all. Something caught my eye: a pink blotch on his jawline near to his ear.

“Ethan, take your hands away from your face and look at me,” I said slowly, now standing next to him.

As he turned to face me, I could see that most of his face was a bit pink and blotchy, “Umm, are you allergic to anything?”

“A couple of face washes, but that’s all,” Ethan said, “Wait, is my face reacting?”

“I think so, let me get Phil through,” I said, knowing that Phil would be able to confirm this.

“Phil,” I called out so he would hear me, “Come here.”

Phils head poked around the kitchen doorway and I quickly gestured for him to come over, “Does this look like an allergic reaction to you?”

“God yeah, uhh right, I’m going to find you some piriton,” Phil said, sounding a little worried. “Have you eaten anything you don’t usually? Put anything on your face?”

Ethan shook his head, “No.”

“If you’re allergic to some facewash could it be our shampoo?” I suggested, thinking that would have been close to his face in the shower.

“Maybe…” Ethan said thoughtfully, “Probably; that’s the only thing that’s been anywhere near my face.”

“Right, go and wash your face with lots of water and I’ll bring the piriton through to you,” Phil said in a rather assertive manner.

I went with Ethan to the bathroom, and saw the horrified surprise on his face as he looked in the mirror. He got busy washing his face, while I lingered in the doorway, just generally keeping an eye on him to make sure he was okay.

“Is this what the face washes did to you?” I asked.

“Yup,” he said, rather muffled by all the water he was chucking at his face.

“It doesn’t get any worse, does it?” I asked, concerned in case he was about to start having breathing problems or something.

“No, just my face goes blotchy and itchy,” he said, “My mum gave me piriton for it and that worked.”

“Okay, good,” I said, now moving out of the doorway to let Phil through with the allergy medicine.

I passed on the new information to Phil as he passed Ethan the tablets and a glass of water, “When this has happened before, his mum’s given him it and that’s worked.”

“Okay, that’s positive,” Phil said, taking the glass back from Ethan when he was done.

Ethan and I headed for the sofas, where I kept an eye on him until I was satisfied he was recovering. The blotchiness gradually reduced and he was no longer looking uncomfortable as he stopped himself from itching his face.

“I think you’re looking better,” I told him, “How are you feeling?”

“Less itchy,” he admitted, “I’m going to take a look in the mirror.”

I watched Ethan head over to the nearest mirror and study his face. After a few moments he turned around, nodding.

“I think I’m good now,” he told me, “It’ll take a day or two for it to die down completely, but I’ll be fine.”

“Are you still up for going shopping?” I asked him, wanting to make sure his little allergic reaction hadn’t put him off going out. “We could also go to the pharmacy and see whether we can pick up some kind of ointment or cream?”

“Yeah, that would be good,” Ethan said, running his fingers over a redder blotch that was still fading from his chin.

–

Leaving Phil to get on with making the soup, Ethan and I got ready to head out. Ethan was borrowing Phil’s coat today as he didn’t have his own one, but hopefully we’d get that sorted out. Five minutes later, we were at the door ready to go.

Calling out one last goodbye to Phil, I shut the door behind us and we started to make our way down the stairs.

“Now are you good with Tesco clothes or would you rather we head out to the shopping centre and go to primark or something?” I asked, conscious that not all teenage boys wanted to be seen in supermarket clothes.

“Honestly, Tesco’s fine,” Ethan said, “It’s better than the nothing I have at the moment and I don’t want you spending too much on me.”

“Ethan, it’s not a problem,” I insisted, not wanting him to feel bad about it.

“Dan, I witnessed some of the panic attack you had a couple of weeks ago when you and Phil were looking at financial stuff,” Ethan said, “I know you’re not in the best place financially, so I really appreciate all you’re doing for me.”

I nodded, my mind flashing back that panic attack. Things in my brain were better since then and I was starting to understand that it wasn’t as much of an issue as my anxiety was telling me.

Ethan and I got in the car and we drove to our local Tesco. Once in the shop, our first stop were the clothing aisles, where I helped Ethan to figure out what he needed. A couple of packs of underwear and socks, a handful of t-shirts, a pair of jeans, a pair of joggies and some pyjamas… what else could he need? We had a look around to see if there were any coats, but we didn’t have any success with that one. I guess we’d need to look somewhere other than Tesco; that could wait ‘til another day.

We made a quick trip to the snacks aisle. I let Ethan pick out a few things he liked and added some things in that would suit my brother and parents. Despite this having been organised very last minute, we wanted to be prepared and have something tasty for them to snack on with their tea of coffee. Phil wouldn’t have time to bake anything as he wouldn’t have time along with making the soup.

We headed for the checkout with our trolley of clothes, crisps and chocolate. In the back of my mind, I still had that slight insecurity that the checkout person would judge me for what I was buying. However, I knew that this wasn’t all for me, and that was enough to have me feeling okay about it.

After putting the bags in the car, we walked from Tesco’s car park, through an underpass into the town centre. I took Ethan into the pharmacy and explained to the pharmacist what had happened, asking if they had anything that could help with the lingering itchy redness. With a bit of prompting, Ethan was able to remember the ingredient he was allergic to and the pharmacist was able to produce a tube of cream that would help with the reaction.

As we headed back to the car, we passed a wedding planners’ shop. I paused to look in the window, making a mental note that this was here for when Phil and I decided to tie the knot. We probably wouldn’t do anything too fancy, but we could come here to look for some ideas.

“Dan, do soulmates still get married? Like you and Phil still have different names? Or is that just people who aren’t soulmates that get in a relationship?” Ethan asked, sounding a bit confused.

“Yeah, soulmates usually get married, they don’t often make a big thing out of it because it doesn’t mean much other than a name change,” I explained, “Phil and I aren’t married; we probably will someday but we haven’t got around to it yet.”

“How do you decide which name to keep?” Ethan questioned.

“It’s usually the older one in the relationship’s name, so I’ll take Phil’s, but you can switch it around if that’s what you want,” I told him, puzzled about how he didn’t know this already,  “Do you not know this from your parents?”

“My parents aren’t soulmates,” Ethan told me, looking a little embarrassed, “My mum has no idea what her soulmate link is, if she even has one. My dad’s soulmate died under mysterious circumstances and they both wanted a family. Got together to make me, but they’re relationship isn’t the best. They’re married, but I had no idea about soulmate naming conventions because my dad says the woman takes the man’s name, but that doesn’t work for same sex soulmates.”

I nodded, thinking about what he had just told me. I don’t think I’d ever met a child of non-soulmate parents before, but I had heard it was possible. It was just, non-soulmate relationships didn’t usually work well enough for them to get to the stage of making a child. From what I’d heard, it could result in difficult family relationships and children with mental health problems. As I thought about it for a moment, I realised that that could partially explain Ethan’s situation.

“Well if you’ve got any more questions about soulmate stuff, feel free to ask me and I’ll do my best to answer,” I told Ethan.

“Is there any expectation for soulmates to… ummm… have sex like really soon after they meet?” Ethan asked, turning red and stumbling over his words, “Like I’ve heard people do it in like the first few days, but Adam’s not sixteen yet and I don’t know if I’m ready either.”

“There’s no hurry, don’t worry,” I told him, “It was a couple of months before Phil and I did. The most important thing is to make sure you’re both ready and know each other well enough to have that level of intimacy. A lot of people get excited and do it too soon. You should talk to Adam about it, make sure you’re on the same wavelength, make sure that he’s not worried about it.”

“That’s an idea, yeah,” Ethan nodded, “It’ll be difficult to bring up, but I’ll give it a shot.”

“It’ll be less embarrassing talking about it now, than when the time comes,” I said, starting to walk again so we weren’t hanging around outside the wedding shop for too long.

–

When we got back home, I opened the door to the welcoming smell of soup. I could hear Phil in the kitchen, the metal clash of the pot lid as he returned it to the pot.

“You go and put your clothes away and put some of that cream on your face,” I said to Ethan, as I shut the door, “I’m going to take these snacks to the kitchen and see how Phil’s getting on with the soup.”

“Hey,” I said, arriving in the kitchen, laying the bags down on the counter and approaching Phil to give him a kiss.

I hugged Phil from behind and pressed a kiss to the side of his face, “How’s the soup doing, love?”

“It’s good,” Phil said, nodding at the pot, “It’s ready now; I’ve just turned it off. D’you want to try some.”

Agreeing, because Phil’s cooking was to die for, I let him feed me a spoonful. I kept it in my mouth for a couple of moments, enjoying the flavour and chewing up the noodle, before swallowing it. It was good.

“Mmmm,” I said, appreciatively, “That’s good.”

“Glad you like it,” Phil said, clapping his hands to the sides of my face and bringing me in for a kiss.

“Mmmm,” I said, as Phil pulled away, “That was good too.”

Phil laughed, his eyes crinkling up at the sides. I laughed too, watching as he rather clumsily returned the lid to the pot again. It was clear that cooking made Phil really happy and I was glad to see that. His smile when he laughed, the way his mouth turned into a grin with his tongue poking through, the way his eyes scrunched up a bit… It made me feel all warm and bubbly inside.

“I’m going to make up some sandwiches now,” Phil told me, “Could you text Adam and see how are away there are? I’ll put the soup on to reheat when they get here.”

I texted Adam and got a reply within seconds; I could imagine his phone was providing entertainment for the long journey so my message probably appeared at the top of the screen, interrupting whatever he was doing.

“They’re about fifteen minutes away,” I told Phil, moving out the way of the fridge so he could get the stuff out for the sandwiches.

“Did you say fifteen minutes?” Ethan asked, excitement in his voice, as he walked into the room.

“Yup,” I nodded, “Not long until you can see Adam again.”

I was amused by Ethan’s level of excitement, but I understood to an extent how he felt. I would hate to be separated from Phil for two weeks and could only imagine the sense of longing to be reunited.

–

My parents and Adam arrived, as predicted, about fifteen minutes later. I let them in the door entry, then Phil and Ethan joined me by the door as we waited for them to come up the stairs. I opened the door and we listened to their footsteps getting closer. We saw the tops of their heads first as they approached the half landing. As they came up the last flight of stairs, Adam started running up them, well as fast as he could while carrying a suitcase.

He dropped the suitcase at the door and smothered Ethan in a somewhat emotional embrace. Phil and I watched on, amused. Ethan had his face buried in the crook of Adam’s neck and Adam was gently nuzzling his face into the back of Ethan’s neck. It was cute, and I could tell my parents were in awe too. This was the first time they’d seen the two of them together, other than in a photo, and it was something quite remarkable. Although their soulmate bond was telepathic rather than physical, you could almost see the energy radiating off of them. They had something truly special there.

My parents, after finishing walking up the stairs at a normal pace, shuffled into our apartment. As I shut the door behind them, Adam realised that he should probably stop hugging his boyfriend and introduce him to his parents.

“Mum, Dad, this is Ethan,” he said, looking from his parents to his boyfriend, “Ethan, these are my parents, Catherine and Bernard.”

“Hi,” Ethan said, putting on a polite smile, “It’s nice to meet you. Sorry about my appearance…”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s nice to meet you too,” my mum cut him off, giving him a loose hug.

My mum’s hug didn’t last long; I could see she was being careful. Ethan shook hands quickly with my dad, before Adam put an arm around him and brought him back to his side.

As we chatted to my parents, Phil taking their coats and hanging them up on the coat hooks, I noticed Adam taking a closer look at Ethan’s eye.

“You put ice on this, yeah?” he mumbled, lightly running his thumb over the bruised skin.

“Yeah,” Ethan said, flinching slightly, “Still hurts though; I couldn’t even open it this morning.”

“Ouch,” Adam muttered, “And how’s your chest looking? That felt bad.”

“Bruised,” Ethan mumbled, flinching away from the hand Adam was about to run down his chest.

“Can I see?” Adam asked, his voice filled with concern and not really thinking it would be weird to have his boyfriend shirtless in front of his parents.

“Umm… yeah… but not now,” Ethan said clumsily, “Not with your parents here.”

“Guys, you can go to your room if you want a little privacy,” I told them, interrupting their exchange, “You probably need to be alone together for a bit to sort your emotions out. I’ll come and get you for lunch when it’s ready.”

“Okay,” they replied, almost in unison, before heading off in the direction of the spare room.

As we headed along the hallway to the living room, I gave my parents a brief house tour, by pointing to the various doors and letting them know what they were, “Mine and Phil’s room, bathroom, spare- well Ethan’s room, office-slash-junk-room we still need to sort out, kitchen and as you can see we’re now in the living room.”

I sat down with my parents in the living room while Phil headed into the kitchen to get the soup heated and finish making the sandwiches. Our conversation wasn’t exceptionally interesting, but it was necessary. Ethan had been missing a lot of school because of his suicide attempts and depression, and as a result, Adam had been missing a lot too. My parents planned to get Adam some tutors over the Easter Holidays to help him with what he’d missed. Ethan, however, was a more complicated case; he’d admitted to me that he didn’t think he could catch up, didn’t think he would be sitting his exams.

My parents didn’t want to split the two of them up again, and now they were discussing the logistics of whether Ethan could head south with them and repeat his last year of school with Adam. It seemed the most sensible idea I’d heard so far, but obviously they’d have to make sure it was what Ethan and Adam wanted to.

My parents would need to figure out if there were any legal issues; he was over sixteen, so he shouldn’t need a guardian, but with only one year of law under my belt, I wasn’t able to say if there would be any other complications.

Phil called us over to the table for lunch, so I encouraged my parents to take a seat while I went to fetch Adam and Ethan. They had the door shut, so I knocked and waited for a ‘come in’. I doubted they were doing much, but I still wanted to respect their privacy. It only took a moment to get the go-ahead, allowing me to open the door and step into the room. Ethan was shirtless and Adam was cuddling him from behind, arms positioned carefully to avoid the various bruises on his chest.

“Lunch is ready,” I told them, “Ethan, put a shirt on, then both of you come through before the soup gets cold.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, “And sorry, my fault that Ethan’s shirtless, I wanted to see his bruises.”

“It’s not a problem,” I laughed, “I was just thinking he’d maybe rather not be half naked in front of our parents.”

I headed back through and took a seat at the table, Adam and Ethan following not far behind. Phil had served up soup for everyone and put a big plate of sandwiches in the middle of the table. Phil had his own small plate of sandwiches, probably to save any mix-ups and avoid him having some accidental dairy.

Phil’s soup tasted just as amazing as it had earlier when I sampled it, if not better. I could see everyone else was of the same opinion, draining their bowls and following me up to the kitchen when Phil said we could help ourselves to more.

“You really know how to make Dan eat,” I heard my mum comment to Phil as I went up for a third bowl of soup.

“Yup, that’s been my main goal since I met him,” Phil chuckled, “He doesn’t even need the encouragement now; I’m really proud of him.”

I was returning to the table as Phil said this and watched as he turned a bit pink.

“Thanks Phil,” I said, replying to his comment that I wasn’t exactly intended to hear, “Thanks for making me eat because life is so much better now.”

–

The afternoon consisted of a lot of catching up. Everyone was together in the living room and we really just sat around drinking coffee. We talked a little about my parents thought of Ethan going down South to live with them next year. He said he’d need a little time to think about it, which was understandable, but I could see the positivity in his expression.

“Your face is looking better,” I told Ethan in a lull of conversation, “Did you put that cream on?”

“Yeah, I did,” he said, “It really helped. It was a bit cold but it was really soothing and pretty much stopped the itchiness.”

Seeing the confusion on my parents faces, I gave them a brief explanation, “He had a reaction to our shampoo this morning, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

I could tell that Ethan must have already told Adam, because he didn’t look concerned in the slightest when I brought it up. He just continued to hold Ethan’s hand with a small smile on his face.

–

For dinner, Phil cooked up a pork casserole. He served everyone a plate of the pork and gravy and had the other elements organised in the middle of the table so we could help ourselves to roast vegetables and potatoes. It suited everyone just fine and lived up to Phil’s usual standards.

After the meal of pork and an optional desert, my parents headed away to their hotel for the night. As my mum said bye to Adam, I noticed she was having a rather confused conversation about Ethan and whether they had kissed yet or anything. Adam was saying that, yes, they had multiple times and my mum was looking a bit lost for words. I interrupted that conversation before it could go any further, knowing that my mum would have turned it into an incredibly awkward sex talk if I’d left it to her.

Afterwards, once my parents had driven off into the distance, I took Adam aside to explain, “Sorry for interrupting your little chat with mum, but I could tell she was about to turn it into some sort of awkward sex talk about stuff that she knows nothing about, so I thought I’d save you the embarrassment.”

“Thanks for saving me,” Adam laughed, “I could kinda guess it was going that way too and I didn’t know what to do.”

“On that topic though,” I started, “I’ll maybe have a non-awkward chat with you, say tomorrow. Unlike her, I’ll actually know what I’m talking about.”

“Ughhh why?” Adam groaned, looking a little pink.

“Because you’re young and I want to make sure you’re ready for whatever your relationship throws at you,” I explained.

Seeing he still wasn’t quite getting the idea, I continued, “Would you have any idea where to start if you went into teso looking for condoms and lube?”

“N-no,” Adam stuttered, turning bright red.

“Look, no need to be embarrassed, we’ll have a little chat about it, nothing to be worried about,” I said calmly, trying not to embarrass him any further.

“Okay,” Adam nodded, still looking a little pink, but I could tell he understood now why we needed to talk about it.

–

February evenings aren’t the warmest, Ethan discovered later that night. The four of us were sitting in the living room, watching a film, when Ethan announced he was cold.

“Shit, we should’ve got you a hoodie,” I said, kinda thinking out loud, “I felt like I was forgetting something.”

Before I could offer to lend him one, Adam was on it, getting up and heading for their room, “I’ll lend you one!”

The moments after Adam returned with a hoodie were incredibly cute. The hoodie he had brought was slightly oversized and it looked really warm. Ethan put it on, tightened the strings to pull it in around his head a little, then pulled the top of it up over his mouth and nose. He pulled the cuffs down over his hands and folded his arms, looking very content, hints of a smile shining through in the corners of his eyes.

I knew by looking at him exactly how he was feeling. There was a certain feeling of content I got by wearing some of Phil’s clothes. I didn’t know if there was any soulmate science in it or if it was just a feeling, but whatever the case I could see Ethan felt the same with Adam’s hoodie.

As we headed to bed for the night, I was glad I wasn’t having to look after Ethan again. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind looking after him, but I was glad he had Adam now. It was their destiny to be together and look after each other, no matter what some people would say.


	26. Little Chats and Big Tears

**Dan’s POV:**

When we got up in the morning, everything was quite peaceful. Phil and I got up just before ten and had our breakfast, leaving Adam and Ethan to wake up by themselves. I’d checked up on them and they were both still fast asleep, cuddled up together in the middle of the double bed.

I expected them to appear together, but as Phil and I were loading our breakfast dishes into the dishwasher, Adam came into the room, “I did try to wait for Ethan but I was too hungry and didn’t have the heart to wake him.”

“Ahh, well help yourself to breakfast,” Phil said, gesturing to two places still set at the table, “There’s cereal on the table and if you want toast, the bread’s in the fridge.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, heading to sit down at the table.

Ethan still wasn’t up by the time Adam had finished his breakfast, so he decided he would give in and wake him up. Apparently it was a struggle to get him out of bed, but fifteen minutes later, the two of them were at the table, Adam keeping Ethan company as he ate.

The two of them had a bit of a rush to get dressed before my parents arrived at eleven. We had some further discussion about Ethan’s living situation; they would need to drive home in the evening for work tomorrow, but would leave Adam here. They hoped to get things sorted out in under a week, so Adam wasn’t missing too much school. Clearly, Ethan would still have to agree to the whole plan, but we were all pretty confident he would.

The six of us headed out to a little sandwich shop for lunch, where my parents took it into their minds to pay for everyone’s lunch. Phil tried to politely refuse, but they wouldn’t let him have his way.

When we got home, a yawning Ethan excused himself to go for a nap, “I’m so tired. I’m going to go take a nap for a bit if that’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay,” Phil told him, giving him an encouraging smile, “D’you need anything? A glass of water? Some more painkillers?”

“Those would be good,” he nodded tiredly, slowly heading for his room.

“Okay, you go and get comfortable, I’ll bring them through,” Phil told him.

I watched as Phil headed for the kitchen and my brother guided a sleepy-looking Ethan along to their room. I took my parents to the living room and kept them entertained until Phil returned.

“Adam’ll be through in five minutes once Ethan’s asleep,” Phil told us, “He looked like he was about to pass out so I’m sure Adam won’t be long.”

“You think he’s feeling okay?” I asked Phil, wanting his view as I felt something wasn’t quite right.

“I don’t know,” Phil said, “It might very well be that he’s just tired, but he’s been a bit quiet today; we’ll see what Adam says when he comes through.”

As Phil had predicted, it was only a few minutes before Adam appeared, “Ethan fell asleep pretty quickly.”

“D’you know if he’s feeling okay?” I asked him, “Like Phil and I are both thinking he seemed a little off.”

“I don’t know,” Adam said, “Like he’s definitely tired but I don’t know why; I think he slept pretty well last night. I think I would know if he was feeling ill or anything, but all I’m getting is a sad, kinda foggy feeling.”

“Let him sleep, but you should go in and check on him every so often, in case he’s woken up,” I said, sliding up closer to Phil to make a little space for Adam on the sofa.

My parents would be leaving in a hour or two, so things turned to a more casual conversation. We’d gone over most of the important things already, at least, all that we could think of. My parents brought up the question of whether Phil and I were going to get married anytime soon.

“Someday, Mum,” I told her, Phil nodding along, “I don’t think we’re going to make a big thing about it, but we’ll do it at some point and maybe invite you along if you want. It’s really just a formality, and clearly a name change, but being soulmates means more.”

“It does, you’re right,” she nodded, patting my dad’s knee, “And Adam, I’m so glad you and Ethan have each other now.”

“Me too,” Adam nodded, “He’s still hurting a lot with everything that’s happened, but it’s so much easier when I can be there with him.”

Thinking back to what Ethan had told me yesterday, about his parents not being soulmates, I wondered if he had told Adam. If he’d told me, he probably wouldn’t mind Adam knowing, so I might as well ask.

“Adam, has Ethan told you… that, umm, his parents aren’t soulmates?” I asked him, hesitating a little about how I was asking.

“Yeah, he has,” Adam nodded, “I think he’s a bit weird about telling people because he feels it’s almost like admitting you’re inbred, something that shouldn’t really have happened. When did he tell you? How come?”

“Yesterday. We were talking about soulmates and marriage and he didn’t know whether soulmates usually got married or about the naming conventions or anything,” I explained, “I asked how he didn’t know all that from his parents and he told me.”

“Adam, there might be a lot of things that Ethan doesn’t know in terms of how soulmates work… so just be patient with him and give him any explanations and support he needs,” my mum said to Adam.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of things he needs some help with,” Adam nodded, “It isn’t easy for him, but I’m trying to encourage him to talk to me about anything that’s wrong, rather than bottling it all up.”

Nodding, I decided to mention the conversation Ethan and I had had yesterday, “I answered a couple of his questions about soulmate stuff yesterday, like who takes whose name in marriage, whether there’s an expectation to have sex within a certain period of time after meeting…”

“Is there?” Adam butted in suddenly, sounding concerned.

“No, no, you’ve got all the time in the world,” I assured him, “You need to wait until you’re both ready, that’s the important thing.”

“If you don’t mind me asking… how soon did you guys…umm..?” Adam asked, looking a bit pink as he turned to look at me and Phil.

“A couple of months,” I said honestly, “I had a lot of body issues that held me back… and not just mental too, like I was so umm… undernourished I guess… that I couldn’t get physically up for it either.”

I felt a bit embarrassed detailing an aspect of mine and Phil’s sex life in front of my parents, but Adam had asked. After taking a moment or two to think through what I had said, I continued. “Wait until you’re ready, but if that’s next week, then by all means go for it.”

“And remember to use protection,” my mum butted in, eliciting groans from both Adam and I, him turning bright red and hiding his face in his hands.”

“Mum, stop right there, let me talk to him about all that,” I interrupted her, wanting to save Adam from further embarrassment.

“Sorry, it’s just he’s so young, I don’t want to leave him here with his soulmate if he doesn’t know how to be safe or whatever,” my mum said, trying to defend herself.

“I understand,” I told her, trying to make some peace, as Adam was shooting daggers at her while she looked hopefully at me. I decided Adam and I might as well have this chat now, so I got up and gestured for him to follow me, “Right, Adam, let’s go away and have this discussion now.”

I left Phil with my parents, having the confidence that he would know just how to keep them entertained. On my way past, I let him know that I’d be taking Adam to our room. It was a bit untidy, but we ran less risk of waking Ethan.

“I told mum I’d talk to you about this so she didn’t have to embarrass you,” I complained to him as we walked along the hallway, “In all honesty, it’s good to talk about it, but with someone who actually has some idea what they’re talking about; c’mon.”

I sat down cross-legged on the bed and encouraged Adam to do the same. He looked a bit nervous, but when I launched into the conversation without so much as a second thought, he visibly relaxed a little.

“So have you and Ethan talked about sex?” I asked, wanting to know whether they were at that stage yet.

“A little yeah,” Adam nodded, “Like not just yet obviously, because I’m not sixteen for another few days and he’s got a lot going on… but other than that we’re both more or less ready.”

“Have you discussed who’ll top and bottom?” I asked, “You don’t need to tell me which if you have… just have you discussed it?”

“Yeah, Ethan’s probably going to bottom,” Adam told me, “I don’t mind telling you; I just can’t face talking to mum about any of this.”

“Me neither,” I admitted, “She knows like nothing about gay sex, which is funny as both of us have ended up with men, but I don’t have the patience to teach her.”

“D’you mind me asking… out of you and Phil, who bottoms?” Adam asked, looking at me a little nervously.

“Me,” I said, laughing to make him feel more comfortable, “We’ve never tried it the other way around, but that’s not to say we won’t someday.”

“Does it hurt?” Adam asked, hands fidgeting, still clearly a little uncomfortable.

“If you’re not careful, yes it can, but the most I get usually is muscle cramps or the odd ache,” I explained, “The first time might hurt a bit afterwards as its all new, but it’s not a bad pain.”

“How do I be careful and make sure I don’t hurt him then?” Adam asked, “Like I know you use lube and should start with fingers but…”

“You’re most of the way there,” I nodded, “Umm… d’you know if Ethan’s fingered himself before?”

I felt rather invasive with what I’d just asked, but I was hoping he had; it would make things easier for both of them when they had their first time.

“Yeah, he has,” Adam nodded, sure of himself.

“Good, good,” I said, “He probably knows what he’s doing then and’ll be able to guide you through it. Important thing is you take it really slow at first and always make sure he’s ready before you add another finger or do anything different.”

“Does poop ever like get in the way?” Adam asked, finally shedding some of his embarrassment.

“It shouldn’t do, as long as the bottom’s been to the bathroom properly and had a little clean down there,” I explained, “That’ll really be Ethan’s department; it’s healthy to talk about it, but I get if that’s difficult at first. Phil and I have to talk about it sometimes, like everyone has days things are less good down there and sometimes I don’t feel like anal is the best idea.”

“Mmm, yeah, I get that,” Adam nodded.

“Especially for your first time, you should make sure he knows he can tell you to stop at any point if something doesn’t feel right,” I said, “Just like reinforce that because some people get in their head that once they’ve started there’s no going back.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or hurt him or anything,” Adam nodded, “I’m a bit nervous about actually doing it, but other than the nerves, I think we’re about ready.”

“You don’t need to go all the way to full on sex at first, like once you’ve got some lube maybe experiment a little and try out just fingering first,” I suggested, “I think that would help you both feel more comfortable about things.”  

“Oh yeah, that would be an idea,” Adam nodded, looking thoughtful.

“So I’m going to suggest tomorrow we go shopping and get you some condoms and lube,” I suggested, knowing that it would be a good idea for him to get what he needed now, so that they would be ready when the time comes. “Not saying you need to use them anytime soon, but I want to make sure you’re prepared for when it happens.”

“Okay,” Adam agreed, looking a little worried.

“Its nothing to worry about, no one’s gonna judge us, people buy this stuff all the time,” I told him.

“Just like how will I know what ones to choose?” Adam asked, getting across that it was choosing the right thing that he was worried about.

“I’m going to help you, okay. That’s why I’m taking you shopping and not sending you off on your own. I’ll point you in the direction of some decent condoms, nothing fancy to start with, and as for lube… hold on…” I paused, reaching over and opening my bedside drawer to pull a bottle out, “This one’s the sort of basic thing you’ll want to start with.”

“Can I see?” Adam asked, gesturing to the bottle of lube I was holding.

“Sure,” I said, passing it over to him, understanding he was the inquisitive type and he probably hadn’t seen any lube in person before.

I watched as Adam studied the lube bottle, then ‘okay’ed him when he asked if it was okay to squeeze a little out and see what it felt like. He rubbed it between his fingers, closely studying the consistency and how it coated them.

“Hmm okay, I think this one’ll do,” he said positively, handing me the bottle back.

“I think that’ll do as a sex chat for now,” I concluded, “Unless you have any more questions.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Adam nodded, “And yeah I think that’ll keep mum happy now that we’ve talked about it.”

“Well if you do come up with any more questions, you can come to me and I’ll try my best to answer them for you,” I said, wanting to let him know that we could continue this conversation another time, “Equally, if Ethan’s got any questions that you can’t answer, I don’t mind talking to either of you about this.”

“Okay, thanks,” Adam said, smiling, “That wasn’t actually as bad as I thought; I’m so glad it wasn’t Mum or Dad trying to do that.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, cringing as I imagined how awkward that would be, “Right, you go wash your hands and then we can head back to the living room. I’ll let mum know that you’re sufficiently educated now.”

Adam ducked into mine and Phil’s ensuite for a moment to wash his hands. I returned the lube to my bedside drawer; Phil and I had put anything remotely sex related away out of sight in case either of my parents were to walk in here.

We headed back to the living room, to our parents and Phil. My mum looked up at us expectantly, as if she wished us to share what we’d been talking about.

“Okay, we’ve had a little chat and we’re going condom shopping tomorrow so he’s prepared to be safe when the time comes,” I told her, hoping that knowing her son would be safe would satisfy her.

“Okay,” she nodded, looking a tad mortified that I was talking about condoms so openly.

Mum must have been satisfied, because she changed the topic of conversation very quickly.

Around five o’clock, my parents left to head home. They had work in the morning so they needed to get back tonight. Everyone, well apart from Ethan who was still asleep, gathered at the door to wish them a good journey home.

A sense of peace descended on our home once my parents had left. Having them had been nice, but a little bit stressful. Phil and I weren’t used to having so many extra people in our space; I think we could manage four, but six seemed to many for our small flat.

Adam went to check on Ethan and it appeared that the noise of their departure and all of our goodbyes had woken him up. Adam managed to conjure him out of their room, but he still seemed tired and a little out of it.

He was dressed in his pyjama bottoms and Adam’s hoodie and once settled on the sofa, he pulled a blanket up around himself. He looked miserable; I could see that Adam was trying his best to comfort him, but I wasn’t sure he was having much luck.

Phil had dinner about five-thirty, then left for work just after six. I was in charge of cooking for Adam and Ethan tonight, so they would be getting kind of average chicken goujons and oven chips. Although Phil was slowly teaching me things, cooking wasn’t really my forté and it was easier to just put things in the oven.

The three of us sat down at the table to eat; I’d provided optional condiments of barbeque sauce, cranberry sauce, tomato ketchup and salt in hopes that at least one of them could improve the meal a little.

Adam certainly seemed to have no problem with the food, clearing his plate in no time, but Ethan was left picking at his miserably, even well after I had finished.

“Ethan, you don’t really look like you’re enjoying those. Are you feeling okay? Or d’you want something else instead?” I asked, not entirely sure whether I should ask him, but doing so anyway.

Ethan shook his head rubbed his hand across his face, bringing my attention to the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. Almost instantly, the tears were running down his face and he began to sob gently into his hands.

Adam shuffled his chair closer and put his arms around Ethan, pulling him into a hug. With Ethan’s head on his chest, Adam bent his head down a little and mumbled things to him. It took about ten minutes to calm him a little, in which time I put mine and Adam’s dishes into the dishwasher. I returned to Adam feeding Ethan chips, who’s crying had reduced to just the occasional sniffle.

Adam picked up a piece of chicken and tried to feed this to Ethan, but he kept his mouth shut and turned his head away from it.

“Don’t force him,” I butted in to their moment, “Ethan do you want any more chicken?”

Ethan shook his head, making a small sobbing sound.

Adam apologised and laid the chicken back down to comfort him some more.

“Adam, I’m going to go chuck the chicken in the bin, unless you want it that is?” I said, hand hovering, ready to take Ethan’s plate away.

“Actually,” Adam started, “I think I will have it. I’m not going to let a perfectly good piece of chicken go to waste.”

As Adam turned his attention away for a couple of moments, I took a seat and got down to Ethan’s level. I probably understood how he was feeling to some extent, so I was going to talk to him and see whether there was anything we could do.

“D’you want anything else to eat at all?” I asked softly, not wanting to sound forceful.

Ethan shook his head, rested his elbows on the table and sank his head into his hands.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked, again keeping my tone of voice as gentle as I could.

Ethan lifted his head up from his hands to shake his head again, before instantly sinking his face back into them.

“Can you tell us what’s wrong?” I asked, wondering if he would feel up to telling us what was the matter.

Again, he responded with a shake of his head. I wished he would tell us, but I understood that sometimes admitting what’s wrong is harder than it sounds.

“Okay,” I nodded, “Speak up if you feel you can, but there’s no pressure. Is there anything Adam or I can do to make you feel better? Anything you’d like?”

After looking thoughtful for a few moments, Ethan replied, “Some paracetamol and a hug?”

“Okay, I’ll get the paracetamol,” I said, getting to my feet, “Adam?”

Adam moved to hug him as I headed off to the kitchen. He brought him into a tighter hug than he had earlier to comfort him, both arms secured around Ethan’s back as he held him close. I was guessing it was the chest pain bothering Ethan again, but the tight hug didn’t seem to be giving him any obvious discomfort, so I couldn’t be sure.

I filled a big glass of water and grabbed the packet of paracetamol from the cupboard. We were starting to run low on them, but I could pick up some more tomorrow, when I was shopping with Adam.

After Ethan had taken his dose of the medicine, I returned them to the cupboard and suggested that they headed over to the sofas to be a bit more comfortable. I finished clearing the table and then joined them over there, bringing some of Phil’s baking with me in case either of them decided that they wanted something else to eat.

Ethan, again was wrapped in one of our blankets, looking quite miserable. Adam cuddling up with him seemed to cheer him up a little bit, but I could tell that things weren’t good. I didn’t question it, knowing he was in too sensitive a state to answer, but I was guessing it would be the combination of being kicked out of his family and his home, the abuse from his father and his depression.

–

I was looking through the TV guide, seeing if there was anything that would be worth putting on, when a ringtone started to blare loudly from Adam and Ethan’s direction. Adam looked to Ethan, who looked like he’d just had the fright of his life. Shuffling around a bit to get into his pockets beneath the blanket, he pulled his phone out. Instantly, he looked like he’d just seen a ghost and rejected the call, starting to shake violently.

“Ethan who was that?” I asked very softly, seeing the panic in his eyes.

“M-my mum… she keeps… keeps calling me and texting me to ask if I’m alright and I don’t know what to say,” he said, continuing to shake, with tears starting to leak from his eyes.

I nodded, giving him a minute as Adam smothered him with love and affection, telling him to take deep breaths and wiping the tears from his cheeks. As far as I knew, he wasn’t prone to panic attacks, but this seemed not unlike one and Adam was doing a good job of helping him. I felt a little bit sick at seeing Ethan reacting this, seeing so much anxiety, so much of myself. I tried not to let it bother me and instead focused on thinking about what he should do.

When Ethan had calmed down enough to get a couple of words out he asked, “What should I do? Like d’you think I should text or keep ignoring her as she’s still with my dad and didn’t really try to stand up for me? I just don’t know what to say…”

“I think you should text her and let her know that you’re okay and you’ve got a roof over your head at least,” I suggested, “Maybe say you’re not really ready to talk about things yet but emphasise you’re safe because it sounds like she’s at least worried about you.”

With a lot of input from Adam and I, and copious amounts of re-reading and editing, Ethan eventually had a text to send off to his mum. It read:

_Mum, I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m staying with my soulmates brother who is very kindly putting me up. I’ve known my soulmate two weeks and he’s here with me now. I’m sorry I haven’t been answering your calls but I’m not ready to talk about things yet. Hope things aren’t too bad at home, but I couldn’t stay there with how dad took it. - Ethan_

Okay, the message did seem quite formal, but Ethan had an important message to get across and he didn’t want to confuse his mum with any of the texting shorthand which she didn’t quite always understand. He sat back nervously and waited for a reply. It was a couple of minutes before his phone pinged with a new message.

_Oh thank god, I’m so glad you’re safe. Things aren’t good with dad and I at the moment, so it’s probably best you’re out of the way - I’ll let you know if anything changes. Also, I’m glad you’ve found your soulmate - I think that should be good for you_

I wouldn’t go as far as to say he looked happy, but after hearing back from his mum, I would say Ethan looked a little less sad. Once everyone had settled down again, I suggested we watched a film.

“I’ll leave you guys to pick one out,” I told them, “I’m going to make some hot chocolate, either of you want one?”

Both Adam and Ethan accepted the offer, which pleased me. It suggested Ethan was feeling a bit better that he was at dinner time. I disappeared for five minutes to make the drinks, but when I returned, I found Adam and Ethan had a film picked out and loaded into the DVD player. It was one of Phil’s that I hadn’t actually watched, but I’d heard good things about it so I was happy to go with their choice.

“Looks good,” I said, commenting on their choice as I laid the hot chocolates down on the table in front of them.

I’d brought through some of Phil’s baking, which I also set down on the table. I felt a wave of relief when I saw Ethan happily tucking in; he must be feeling okay. We all settled into the seats to watch the film; Ethan and Adam were all cuddled up, which made me miss Phil a little, but I knew I’d see him soon.

The film finished around eleven o’clock. After the credits had rolled and the DVD whirred to a stop, I suggested that Adam and Ethan go and get ready for bed. Phil would be finishing up at work and would be home in about fifteen minutes. Adam groaned at my suggested, while Ethan yawned sleepily and stretched his arms out, getting ready to get up.

“Adam, at least go get you pjs on so you’re comfy,” I suggested, seeing that it was him who needed the encouragement, “Maybe brush your teeth, get into bed and cuddle for a while. That’s a kinda therapeutic way to end the day.”

With my convincing and a pleading look from Ethan, Adam got up and the two of them headed off to their room. Ethan seemed to be needing a lot of sleep so I was glad he was getting to bed before midnight. I saw them each disappearing in and out the bathroom a couple of times, but then things went fairly quiet and I presumed they were probably in bed.

When Phil got in, he looked so tired and I knew he’d just want to head straight to bed. I nudged him in the direction of our bedroom and encouraged him to go and get his pyjamas on and brush his teeth. I made sure everything that needed to be was turned off or locked up, then caught up with him.

I was surprised Phil didn’t fall asleep straight away, but as he tossed and turned uncomfortably, I could tell there was something on his mind.

“Phil?” I mumbled into the darkness, snuggling up a little closer to him, “Is something bothering you?”

“Mmm,” Phil mumbled, rolling over to face me, “I had a couple of difficult customers tonight and I just feel like I got all my words in a jumble and embarrassed myself more than sorting out the situation.”

“What happened?” I asked softly, knowing it would be good for him to get it off his chest.

“There was a man who ordered a slow cooked beef with red wine gravy, then complained the mash was contaminated when the menu clearly stated it was meant to have pancetta ham through it,” Phil explained, sounding drained, “I tried to explain to him, but he started an argument and raised his voice at me and I had to go and get the manager.”

“Aww,” I mumbled, slipping my hand up inside Phil’s pyjama top and gently rubbing his back, “It’s not your fault though; the man shouldn’t have shouted at you.”

“I don’t feel like I handled it very well though… I just stumbled over my words and made a fool of myself,” Phil said, starting to sound like he was tearing up.

“Hey, I’m sure you did great. It’s always difficult to respond to someone who’s attacking you with no reason,” I said, trying to comfort him, pressing a couple of kisses to his forehead.

After sniffing pitifully for a minute or two, Phil continued, “Th-there was another customer… she wanted to send a dish back back because it wasn’t as hot as she wanted, then she got in a huff because the beans had been missed out in trying to get a replacement as quickly as possible.”

I could see that Phil had been feeling quite attacked this evening, so I continued to hold him close and give him little kisses, hoping to help him feel at least a little better, “You don’t deserve what any of these mean people were saying to you; you were doing your best.”

I felt Phil’s body shake as a little sob escaped him. He brought his knees up to his chest and I knew he was trying to curl up as small as he could get. It broke my heart to see Phil so broken, so affected by the words of these strangers. I shuffled as close as I could and made sure the duvet was tucked well around him.

As Phil sobbed into my chest, I stilled my hands on his back and just held him, my lips pressed to the top of his head. I would give him a minute or two to cry before I tried to get him to stop. I knew that for Phil, it was the best way to get his emotions out.

When his sobs started to slow down a little, I knew that was my time to intervene, “Phil?”

“Yeah?” he mumbled, his voice rough.

“I’m going to pop into the bathroom for thirty seconds and grab you some loo roll for your nose,” I told him, “I’ll be right back, okay.”

I unwound a fair length of toilet roll, then made a spur of the moment decision to fill the bathroom glass up with water. I returned to Phil, who had sat up, ready to take the toilet paper and deal with his snotty nose. I turned my lamp on so he could see and sat down next to him, handing him the tissues, but holding onto the water until he was ready.

As I passed Phil the glass of water, he reached for it with his left hand, which struck me as a bit odd. In looking over at his other hand, I noticed he had blue plasters wrapped around two of his fingers. Something must’ve happened at work; the restaurant only had blue ones which met the regulations.

“What happened to your hand?” I asked, reaching over and taking it in my hand. In doing this I noticed he had a third plaster spread across his palm, “Ouch.”

“I dropped a plate and cut myself trying to clear it up. I was rushing because I had an impatient customer and I just wasn’t careful enough and one of the pieces slipped,” Phil rambled, his eyes threatening to spill more tears.

“You really didn’t have a good evening, did you?” I commented, putting an arm around him, while keeping his injured hand in mine.

Phil sniffled, but managed to resist crying again. After slowly sipping the water for a while, he laid it to the side and curled more into me.

“I’ll take a look at your hand in the morning,” I told him, “At the moment, I think you need some sleep.”

“Mmm,” Phil nodded.

“C’mon, let’s lay down again,” I said, gently encouraging Phil back down under the covers with me.

As we got settled, Phil snuggled up next to me and I curled around him, slinging an arm over him and being the cuddler for the night. Phil needed the comfort. Everyone has bad days at work sometimes, but I hated how much some of these strangers affected Phil. He didn’t deserve it. I was angry at them for hurting him, so for now I was taking on a protective role as his soulmate and looking after him. It took a while before Phil’s breathing turned into soft snores; he didn’t get to sleep easily, but I kept myself awake until then in case he needed me again.


	27. Relax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING: blood and self harm** (extra warning for this chapter as something in the last two weeks has reminded me how important this is)

**Dan’s POV:**

Everyone slept in the next morning, which was a relief as we all needed the sleep. Phil and I were still first through to the kitchen to get the breakfast stuff set up. Once we had all the plates, bowls, cereal, milk and everything we would need on the table, I took Phil aside to look at his hands which he had cut at work last night.

I tore the plasters off for him, as it was always easier having someone else do it. Phil yelped, particularly as I pulled off the one on the palm of his hand, as this seemed to have become one with the dried blood, effectively yanking the scab off with it. I guided him over to the sink and washed his hand carefully, to get rid of the excess dried blood. I patted his hand dry with some kitchen roll, then put fresh plasters on his fingers.

I gave the cut on his hand some time, as it had started to bleed again, waiting for it to dry up a little before I stuck a plaster on it. As this one looked a lot more angry, and was clearly having a harder time healing than the smaller scratches, I put some antiseptic ointment on the plaster before smoothing it down onto Phil’s hand.

With Phil’s hand sorted out, we got started on out breakfast. I took on making the coffee to make things a little easier for Phil; he was having a little difficulty with his sore hand. It wasn’t long before Adam and Ethan joined us; Adam looked awake and up for the day ahead, whereas Ethan looked tired and miserable.

When breakfast was over, Adam headed to get ready as we were about to head out to go shopping. Ethan, however, just said he was going back to bed. Before we left, I asked Phil to make sure and keep an eye on Ethan. Adam could tell that he wasn’t in the best frame of mind and it was probably best that someone kept checking up on him.

Before we left, I went to ask Ethan if he needed anything. He was bundled up in his and Adam’s duvet and responded only with an, “I don’t know.”

“How about a razor and some shaving foam?” Adam suggested, “Some shampoo you’re not allergic to?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Ethan nodded, his expression remaining rather grim.

Adam took a note of what he was to get, a specific shampoo that Ethan used at home and knew he was fine with and a handful of shaving products for sensitive skin.

We headed out in the car, leaving Ethan and Phil at home. Once we were in the shop, our first stop was the condoms and lube, because that was really what we were there for. Adam picked up the lube I had shown him yesterday, as he had no knowledge of anything else. He decided to stick with the Durex brand for condoms too and after a couple of minutes of discussion, he had a box of ‘extra safe’ ones sitting in our basket.

“You can experiment with fancy lubes and ribbed condoms some other time if you want, but as beginners, these are probably best,” I said, approving of his choice.

“Is there anything else I need?” Adam asked, looking thoughtful.

“Hmm…” I said, thinking aloud, “Let’s get you a packet of wipes; that’ll make cleaning up easier. Don’t worry if you mess up the sheets though,  that just means that you’ll need to wash them.”

“Okay, sounds like a plan,” Adam nodded, starting to move to look for the wipes.

After finding wipes, we collected the rest of our small shopping list: paracetamol for the cupboard and shampoo and shaving stuff for Ethan.

Adam had expressed that he’d like to get back quickly, so we didn’t spend too much time looking at other things. He had been feeling sadness from Ethan the entire time we’d been out and I think it was starting to get to him. I paid for our shopping and we headed home, getting Adam back to his soulmate as quickly as possible.

Ethan was still in bed, wrapped in the duvet, in the exact way in which we’d left him. He looked profoundly miserable; his eyes red from crying and his hair still messed up from bed. I spoke to Phil and it sounded like he’d tried his best, offering him coffee and making him hot chocolate, but he didn’t touch the hot chocolate and wouldn’t speak to Phil about what was wrong.

Adam sat with him and tried to hold him to comfort him, but Ethan just pushed him away. Adam was a bit distraught after this and came to me and Phil looking for advice. In the end we decided the best thing to do would be to give him some peace and have Adam check up on him now and then.

When Adam did return to check on Ethan, he found he was asleep. Adam left him be, hoping that sleeping would help him to feel better. He poked his nose in about every half hour for the rest of the morning, in case he woke up and needed someone.

It was just after lunch when Ethan woke up, Adam suddenly feeling a strong bout of emotion and audible sobs coming from their room. Adam went to investigate and Phil and I listened out in case we were needed for any reason.

It turned out that Ethan had woken up from a dream where he’d tried to kill himself, we discovered, after Adam had called out to us for some help. Ethan had opened up the razor we’d got him and started to cut himself and Adam was clearly too overwhelmed to know what to do. He’d managed to persuade Ethan to drop the blade, but he was bleeding.

When Phil and I arrived, Ethan was sobbing into Adam’s chest, while Adam held onto his bleeding arm. Seeing the damage, I sent Phil off to get our first aid stuff, while I moved the blade a safe distance away. I sat down on the bed and took Ethan’s arm from Adam, while he explained what had happened.

I had enough time to study the cuts before Phil put the first aid stuff down next to me. I could see that Adam was managing to calm Ethan down a little, so I gave it a minute before starting to take care of his arm. With an antiseptic wipe, I cleaned up his arm, letting me see the cuts more clearly. I decided that a dressing with a bandage around it was probably the best idea. I got what I needed ready, then cleaned up some more blood that had appeared before I applied the dressing and wrapped the bandage around.

Adam was doing his best to keep Ethan distracted, but I worked quickly, pronouncing it done once I was satisfied the dressing was secure. I let go of his arm and watched as Adam guided Ethan’s arm back between them. Ethan was still crying a little, but I could see he was a bit better now he had Adam holding him and reassuring him.

“Is there something that’s been bothering you today?” Adam asked Ethan, “You haven’t been feeling so good have you.”

Ethan shook his head, “I guess my antidepressants are wearing off now that it’s been three days since I had them.”

“You’d started antidepressants!?” Adam said, a little surprised, “You never said.”

“Just over a week ago,” Ethan told us, “I wasn’t really sure they had started working, but I feel so shit now; I think they must’ve.”

“I think you should phone your doctor and see if you can get an appointment to get a new prescription,” I said, “As soon as possible is probably ideal, so d’you think you’re up for phoning?”

“I guess, but I don’t think I have the number in my phone,” Ethan said glumly.

“If you hold on two minutes I can find it because you’re at the same surgery as me and Phil,” I told him, digging my phone out my pocket and finding the Doctor’s surgery number in my contacts.

I showed Ethan the number and he put it into his own phone. I gave him a rough outline of what he’d need to say, then a few deep breaths later, he pressed the call button.

Ethan did stumble over his words a few times, but he did a reasonably good job of explaining to the doctor that his home situation had changed and he was no longer living with his parents. He didn’t bring his antidepressants with moving out so suddenly, so he hasn’t taken them in three days and has now been having suicidal dreams, is really tired all the time, isn’t feeling good and has been cutting again.

“Do you have anyone with you at the moment? Who are you staying with?” the doctor asked, concerned.

“Yeah, my soulmate and his brother… and his brother’s soulmate,” Ethan explained.

“Okay good,” the doctor said, sounding relieved, probably glad he was still staying with some sort of family, “You need to really trust them and let them keep an eye on you.”

“Okay,” Ethan said a little timidly.

“Right, well I’m having a look at my availability,” the doctor said, his mouse clicking quietly in the background as he spoke. “There’s nothing today, but I can see you first thing in the morning at nine am.”

“Okay, that would be great,” Ethan said, a little shakily.

“Don’t worry about it; I’ll just have a little chat with you about how you’ve been feeling and we’ll get your new prescription sorted out,” the doctor explained.

“Okay,” Ethan said, nodding even though that wouldn’t be visible to the doctor.

“Ethan, before you go, can I make sure you still have a note of the suicide hotline number in case you need it?” the doctor asked.

“Yeah, it’s in my phone,” Ethan confirmed.

“Okay, good good. Try and make sure there’s always someone with you until I see you. Is your soulmate there? Could I speak to them??”

“Yeah, you’re on speaker and he’s right next to me,” I explained.

Adam said hello to confirm that, and the doctor began to reiterate what he had said about making sure Ethan wasn’t alone, “… and I mean at all times, like I know it’s an invasion of privacy even if you are soulmates, but even in the bathroom.”

Ethan groaned, loudly, so much so that the doctor heard, “Ethan, I’m trying to do what’s best for you. Also, I know it’s difficult, but if you do get a moment when no ones with you and you feel urges, go to them… or you have the number if you need it.”

The call ended with the doctor reminding Ethan he would see him nice and early tomorrow and and Ethan replying with a simple goodbye. When the call was hung up, he dropped his phone onto the bed and curled into Adam’s arms, crying a little.

“You did good,” Adam told him, “Everything’s going to be okay. The doctor’s going to help you get back on track tomorrow.”

“Yeah…” Ethan said, trailing off, sounding a little unconvinced.

“How are you feeling about that?” Adam asked, for a change asking Ethan to explain how he was feeling, rather than just relying on their bond.

“I don’t really know,” Ethan said, “Like I understand it’s good, but there’s part of me that still just wants to die rather than get help. I feel kinda confused, really tired and everything in my brain’s a bit fuzzy and I don’t really feel that great in general.”

“I think a shower could help you feel better,” Adam suggested, “Plus you haven’t had one in two days so it’s maybe an idea.”

“Yeah… I guess,” Ethan agreed, “…so are you coming with me then?”

“Yeah, I think that’s the best idea,” Adam nodded.

Phil and I left to let Adam and Ethan get ready for their shower. I was glad Adam was looking after him, but I was a little worried about that they could get up to in the shower; shower sex wasn’t really for first-timers.

My mind was eased by the length of their shower, which seemed about normal. The most they could’ve done in that time was a handjob, but I wasn’t going to go asking. They both looked damp and fresh and Ethan looked a lot better, despite sporting a patchy stubbly beard.

The beard was why we’d bought him a razor. I could tell from his itching that it was bothering him, but I’d confiscated the razor for now. I guess we could let him have it under supervision. I fetched the razor and explained to them that it would be best if Adam stayed with him while he shaved and they brought the razor back to me afterwards. I didn’t want to risk Ethan having any more incidents.

A while later, Ethan reappeared looking a lot tidier, still with Adam glued to his side. He passed me the razor, which I took away to put someplace safe. After speaking to him for a moment, Phil started to make Ethan some sandwiches because he had missed lunch. Phil made himself sandwiches too, something to keep him going until after work. He was working from four-thirty until nine today, so usually he would have something to eat before he left and something else when he came home.

Again, I was left to sort out dinner for Adam and Ethan, but this time I had an idea. Ethan had been looking really down all afternoon, so I wanted to cheer him up.

“Ethan, what’s your favourite food?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

“If you could have anything for your dinner, what would it be?” I asked, trying to get an answer out of him.

“Domino’s Pizza maybe,” he said, looking indifferent, “I haven’t had that in a while.”

Taking Ethan’s favourite food into account, I ordered Domino’s pizza for Adam and Ethan and some vegan takeaway for myself. Despite the toppings they requested sounding good, I wasn’t feeling up for that many calories or that much fat. A dish of low calorie vegetable and tofu stir fry sounded much better.

Adam hadn’t left Ethan’s side since after the earlier incident, until after dinner when he asked me to take over for a bit, “Could you keep Ethan company so I can go take a shit?”

“Yeah sure,” I said, abandoning clearing up the dinner for the time being and joining Ethan in the living room.

Ethan was sitting in the chair over by the window. Initially, I’d just sat down on one of the sofas and started speaking to him from across the room, but I was noticing quite a lot of anxiety in his responses, a shaky voice and laboured breathing.

I opened the window to let the air circulate a bit, something I often found helpful, and pulled another chair over to sit down next to him.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked him, “You’re sounding quite anxious.”

“Yeah, I am a bit,” Ethan admitted, “Not really feeling that great.”

“Hopefully the fresh air will help,” I said, gesturing to the now open window, “Can I do anything else?”

“Could you just talk for a bit?” Ethan asked, a little breathlessly, “Adam sometimes does that and it distracts me from how I’m feeling.”

Taking inspiration from the view of the car park out the window, I started to talk to Ethan about how our previous flat was on the fourth floor and had a much better view. I spoke about all the things that this flat had better, its little quirks and things which made it a good home. I found thinking about this little home of ours rather comforting, and I hoped that I help Ethan to feel more at home as this was pretty much his home at the moment.

Ethan had stood up to look at something outside that was too low to see when seated, “D’you think you would die if you fell out from up here?”

“I don’t quite know, but probably,” I said, thinking about how big a drop it was.

At first, it didn’t really cross my mind why Ethan was asking, until I saw him looking down with a strange look in his eyes. It struck me as a combination of excitement and fear. I didn’t know exactly what emotions he was experiencing, but I could tell that he was thinking about about the possibility of jumping out the window.

“Ethan,” I said firmly, trying to get his focus back on the present.

“Hmmm?” he mumbled, clearly distracted.

“We’re going over to the sofas, okay,” I said, putting my hands on his shoulders and starting to pull him in that direction.

Ethan came with me and then sat down on the sofa when I told him to. I hurried back over to shut and lock the window, pocketing the key. I didn’t know how unstable he was at the moment, so I wanted to be on the safe side.

When I returned to Ethan, he was crying, so I took a seat next to him on the sofa and asked him what was wrong.

“I’m scared… like I keep getting urges to do things that I’m not quite sure I want to do,” Ethan explained shakily, “I don’t want to leave Adam, but there’s a part of me still wants to d…die and I’m scared that I’ll do something stupid. I’m scared of myself.”

Ethan was curled up as small as he could get, sniffling quietly. I offered him a hug and despite being nothing compared to Adam, he accepted the offer anyway.

I sat with my arms around Ethan until Adam returned from the toilet. I let him take over the hugging and explained to him what had happened, “We were over by the window, but we moved over here because he was getting ideas… so we had a little scare, but he’s okay… right Ethan?”

“Yeahh,” Ethan sighed, sounding unsure.

After being in Adams arms for a couple of minutes, Ethan announced that he wanted to go to bed. It had only just gone seven o’clock, but at this stage, neither Adam or I were worried about his sleep schedule. We just wanted him to feel as okay as he could, and if that meant sleeping a lot at weird times of day, then so be it.

With Adam glued to his side, Ethan headed off to bed. I wasn’t necessarily expecting Adam to come back, but he was back in the living room within about ten minutes.

“He’s fast asleep,” Adam explained to me, “I figured I could leave him because he’s completely out of it. I’ll go and check on him every so often; there’s only so long I can watch him sleep for without getting bored.

Adam sat himself down in Ethan’s earlier seat at the window. I explained to him that I’d locked the window to keep Ethan safe and suggested he should keep an eye on him if he went too near any other open windows. Adam nodded, now looking a tad more worried than he had already.

“I know it’s a lot of responsibility at the moment, but hopefully the doctor will get him back on his medication tomorrow and things will get better soon,” I said, attempting to ease his stress a little, “But in the meantime, if you need a break for five minutes, like when you went to the bathroom, just let me know, okay.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, still looking a bit down.

“I’m going to go and do the dishes,” I told him, with a little pat on the back, “Just shout or come and find me if you want to talk.”

Adam nodded and I walked through to the kitchen. I could see he was a bit stressed out about Ethan, but I could understand why. I was too to an extent, knowing that Ethan was still having suicidal feelings. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have Phil in that situation. For the moment, I would give Adam a little space, as I needed to get the dishes done anyway.

–

I was halfway through doing the dishes when I got a text from Phil.

_I’m coming home early_

Wondering why he was leaving work at half seven when he was meant to be working until nine, nearly two hours early, I replied.

_Why? Is everything okay?_

After waiting a few minutes and receiving no reply from Phil, I decided I’d finish up the dishes quickly and ask Adam to watch out for him, “Adam, can you keep an eye out for Phil coming in? He’s coming home early and I don’t know why.”

“Sure thing,” Adam said, paying more attention to what was outside the window, “D’you think he’s okay?”

“I hope so,” I said, feeling a little worried. I could say for sure that he hadn’t been throwing up, but he could be feeling sick and I wouldn’t know. Equally, it could be anything; no one said he was ill.

I hurried to get the dishes finished before Phil was home so I was free from responsibilities if he needed me.

As I started to rinse off the last dish, Adam called out to me, “That’s Phil in the car park.”

“‘kay, thanks,” I said, moving the dish to the dish rack and pulling the plug.

I wandered over to the window, where Adam was and not seeing Phil in the car park, I asked Adam if he’d seen him come out the car yet.

“Nope,” Adam had replied, continuing to watch.

After waiting a little, while, I decided to phone Phil and see if everything was okay. I called him and the phone rang a good few times, but eventually he picked up.

“Dan?” Phil said, his voice sounding very rough, as if he’d been crying.

“Phil are you okay?” I asked him, “What’s happened?”

“I… I…” Phil started, choking on sobs which interrupted what he was saying.

“Okay, I’m going to come down,” I said to Phil, feeling the need to be with him, “I’ll be with you in two minutes.”

I hurried to put on a pair of shoes, then jogged down the stairs, keeping Phil on the line. As I left the flat, I asked Adam to put the kettle on, “Adam, I don’t know what’s up with Phil but he’s crying. Could you maybe put the kettle on ‘cause I feel like I could be making him tea.”

I hurried across the car park to Phil’s car, and opened the driver’s door, to where Phil was sitting, sobbing. I crouched down to get on his level and gently removed one of his shaking hands from in front of his face.

“Phil,” I said softly, holding his hand, “Phil, babe, d’you want to tell me what’s wrong here or shall we head in first?”

“Inside,” Phil choked out, a few more sobs wracking through his body before he could control himself again.

“Okay,” I said, getting up and taking a step back to give him space to get out.

Once Phil was out the car, I took the keys from him, shut the door and locked it. Once I’d pocketed the keys, I took his hand and slowly started to lead him towards the building. After walking a few steps, I noticed that he seemed a bit unsteady and put my arm around him for a bit of extra support.

We made it up the stairs alright, with me holding Phil’s hand tightly and doing all the doors on the way. As soon as we were in the flat, he headed straight for the sofa and continued to cry. I followed right behind him and joined him on the couch, curling myself around him to hold him while he cried.

“Adam, could you make tea, milk and two sugars?” I asked Adam, turning my head away from Phil a little so I wasn’t being loud in his ear.

“Sure,” Adam replied and headed for the kitchen.

I held Phil for a minute or two and he slowly managed to calm his crying a little, reducing to unhappy sniffles instead of loud sobs.

“Phil,” I said, gently rubbing my hand up and down his back, “D’you think you can tell me what happened?”

“I tripped going up the stairs with two glasses of red wine and one went flying off the tray. The wine went all over a lady in a white dress and the glass smashed on the floor in front of me. I fell in the glass and the lady started screaming at me about how much of an idiot I was and how she was going to speak to the manager and get me fired,” Phil explained, rushing the words out and stumbling over a few of them in the process. “She screamed at me even when I was lying in a pool of wine and glass… I caused a complete scene and the entire restaurant was staring at me. I’d started to clean it up when the manager came up to see what was happening. I was scared he was gonna fire me but he just took over the cleaning and sent me to get a plaster because my hand was bleeding. Once I was in the back room sorting out my hand, I realised that my shirt was covered in wine and it had ripped a little at the shoulder seam and I just couldn’t stop crying about everything the lady had said. I couldn’t face going back out there. My manager came looking for me about ten minutes later ‘cause he hadn’t seen me back out at my tables. He told me that he’d spoken to the lady and I can’t even remember what else he said because I was crying too much. I he told me to go home, t-text him when I’m feeling up to it. I don’t even know if I have a job anymore.”

I had been holding Phil close the throughout his entire explanation, but now that he had finished, he broke down again, sobbing into my chest. I gave him a minute to just let his emotions out before I tried to say anything to comfort him. Adam had now returned with a mug of tea, which I gestured for him to lay down on the table.

“Phil, you didn’t do anything wrong; you were just unlucky,” I mumbled to him, “Are you hurt anywhere other than your hand?”

“My hip and shoulder hurt a lot from how I fell,” Phil said, nodding solemnly.

“Okay,” I nodded, reaching out and grabbing the tea now he was probably calm enough to take a drink, “Have some tea at the moment and we’ll get you painkillers in a minute.”

Phil took small sips of the tea, albeit rather shakily. I still had an arm around him and was doing my best to give him a little comfort. I noticed Phil wincing as he moved his shoulder in lifting the cup up to his mouth and then swiftly swapped it to the other hand.

“Adam, d’you think you could get the ibuprofen?” I asked Adam, “They should be in the top cupboard of the ones next to the oven.”

I thanked Adam as he returned from the kitchen with the tablets. He was being a big help; he didn’t deserve me asking him to do things on top of everything else that he was dealing with, but he was being so good about it.

It would take a while for the painkillers to kick in, but once Phil had taken them, he seemed to relax a little with knowing they would help. I suggested to him that he could go and take a bath, both to wash off the red wine and maybe soothe his bruised body.

I got the bath running and then went through with Phil when it was ready. I told Adam that if he or Ethan had any problems just to shout or come and knock on the bathroom door.

I sat on the bathroom floor while Phil was in the bath, keeping him company, but letting him have the space to relax. I found it adorable, the way his head and shoulders were poking out of the mountain of bubbles, but now wasn’t the time to be in awe at Phil’s cuteness; he needed consolation.

I knew it would be a bit of a sore spot until Phil had spoken to his boss and confirmed things were alright, but I talked to him about his job, attempting to lessen his negative thoughts around it, “Phil, love, I don’t think you’ll have lost your job. You’re a hard worker and I know you bring a lot to the business. Everyone has little slip-ups and accidents now and then; its human nature. And even if you do lose it, you can make the most of it and use the opportunity to take another step towards achieving your dreams. Have hope, okay?”

Phil nodded sadly, but I could see he was processing what I’d said. After that, I didn’t say anything else to him about his job, letting him guide the conversation towards something less stressful. About half an hour later, when the conversation had slowed down, I suggested that Phil should get out now. I knew the bath would be starting to get cold and his fingers would be starting to shrivel up like raisins, so it was about time.

When I’d run the bath, I’d brought through some of Phil’s favourite pyjamas, wanting to provide all the little creature comforts that would cheer him up. Once he had dried off, I unfolded the pyjamas and passed them to him, watching as he nuzzled his face into the soft fabric of his t-shirt as he pulled it over his head.

Once Phil was dressed and standing up, I pulled him into a hug, wrapping my arms tightly around his back. Phil nestled his head into the crook of my neck and let out a sigh.

“Things’ll be okay Phil,” I told him, rubbing his back a little, “Let’s have a relaxed evening tonight and don’t stress out too much over what happened. We’ll sort it out in the morning.”

“Thanks,” Phil mumbled, exhaling against my neck.

“Let’s go back to the living room and settle down with some blankets, maybe put something on the TV,” I suggested, giving Phil a little squeeze before releasing him from the hug.

I never let go of Phil completely, joining our hands as we made our way to the living room. I cuddled up with him on a sofa, no longer feeling the need to hide our affection from Adam, now that he had Ethan. The three of us put on a film; Adam left every so often to go and check up on Ethan, but overall it became quite a relaxed evening.

Around eleven o’clock, we all went to get ready for bed. Adam wasn’t really that enthusiastic about going to bed so early, but I suggested he should at least get his pyjamas on and get comfortable; he could watch something on his phone with headphones in if he wasn’t quite ready to sleep yet.

After getting myself and Phil ready for bed, I checked in on Adam and Ethan one last time before actually going to bed. I found them cuddled up together, watching something on Adam’s phone with one earphone each.

“Ethan couldn’t sleep well,” Adam explained, looking up at me and pausing whatever they were watching.

“Yeah, I was having bad thoughts that kept waking me up,” Ethan said, sounding rather fed up.

“Okay, I get that,” I nodded, “But try again soon, okay? Would a hot drink or anything help?”

“Actually…” Ethan said thoughtfully, “Could you?

“Yeah, sure. What would you like?” I asked, “Tea? Hot chocolate?”

“I know I’ve brushed my teeth but hot chocolate would be nice,” Ethan nodded.

“Yeah, just don’t tell the dentist,” I said, with a laugh, “Right, I’ll be back in five minutes.”

I headed to the kitchen and quickly put together a hot chocolate, just a simple one, no marshmallows or anything. I took it to Ethan and wished the pair of them goodnight, wanting to get back to Phil and cuddle with him in bed.

Phil and I got to sleep pretty quickly. He’d had a stressful night at work and it had clearly tired him out. I knew we’d have a few things to talk about in the morning, but I was glad he had been able to take it easy this evening. I was glad he had been able to relax.


	28. Recovery

**Dan’s POV:**

Phil and I woke up to our alarms, everyone needing to get up early because Ethan had his doctor’s appointment at nine. Part of me wanted to let Phil sleep in after his traumatic experience last night, but I didn’t want him dwelling on his thoughts alone if I went out without him.

Waking up Adam and Ethan was something I never failed to find adorable. Although Ethan was the older of the two and generally looked it, he was curled up with his face snuggled into Adam’s chest. Adam had an arm around him protectively, and the duvet was down about their waists.

I opened the curtains, gave them each a gentle shake and started to talk a little to wake them up. Adam started to respond to me after a minute or two, but Ethan just yawned sleepily and nuzzled his face further into Adam.

“Did you guys sleep okay?” I asked, noting Ethan’s sleepiness.

“-Ish,” Adam said hesitantly, “Ethan woke me up about three am feeling like he was about to throw up.”

“Did he?” I asked, now concerned.

“Yeah, I told him just to head to the bathroom and I’d be right behind him,” Adam explained, “He made it to the toilet in time, thankfully.”

Ethan was looking a bit pale now I thought of it, looking over him again. He was a bit off-colour and being sick explained his tiredness.

“How are you feeling this morning?” I asked softly.

“Still feel a bit off, but not too bad,” Ethan explained, mumbling a little.

“Any idea what made you sick?” I asked, trying to get an idea if he was ill or if it was just something he’d eaten.

“Kept having bad thoughts and confusing dreams; made me feel nauseous. Maybe didn’t help I had a hot chocolate sloshing around in there, but I’m not blaming that; I think it was what was going on in my head,” Ethan explained.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how are things in your head this morning?” I asked, cautiously in case he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Still not the best, to be honest,” Ethan said, “I don’t think my brain ever went to sleep and I just feel exhausted and I’d stay in bed all day if I could, but I know it’s important to get up, but I don’t want to, but I know I should. My brain’s fighting with itself and my head feels all stuffy, like it’s going to explode and…”

Ethan trailed off, a broken sounding sob emitting from his throat and his whole body shaking violently as he hid his face in Adam. Adam quickly had his arms around him and I could see he was doing his best, but there wasn’t much he could really do to make Ethan feel better. I could see from the expression on Adam’s face that he had no idea what to do, in fact, he almost looked scared.

I waited a minute for Ethan to get the worst of his sobs over with, then I intervened, seeing that Adam wasn’t sure how to help. I perched on the side of the bed and told Ethan to take a couple of deep breaths. That helped him to get a little more focused, then I was able to do one of my breathing exercises with him. Okay, I used them for panic attacks, but Ethan’s breakdown had a number of similarities and could probably be classed as one.

Adam slowly started to help a little, by rubbing Ethan’s back comfortingly in time with his breathing. It was a few minutes before his outburst had been calmed to just some slight tears, but we got there. Okay, he was still shaking a lot too, but we could work with that.

“You guys should come and get some breakfast,” I said softly, not wanting it to sound too forceful as Ethan was a bit fragile, “Ethan, if you don’t want much that’s okay, but you should try and have something.”

I grabbed a blanket that was sat at the end of their bed and passed this to Ethan as he sat up, “Wrap yourself up in this to keep cosy.”

Phil was already at the table and had set up all the breakfast stuff. He looked tired, but already had a mug of coffee in his hands and I knew things would improve after that. I sat down next to him and slipped my hand onto his thigh.

“Ethan’s not feeling that well this morning, so go easy on him,” I told Phil, “He had troubled thoughts and dreams and was up during the night being sick.”

“Mmm,” Phil responded, nodding.

“You’ve got a lot on your mind, haven’t you?” I said to Phil, pulling him into a hug.

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well. ‘Cause what happened last night is still unresolved and I know I should text my boss but I’m not ready yet.”

“When we’re back from Ethan’s appointment, I’ll make sure I get some time alone with you and I’ll help you figure out what to say, okay,” I said to Phil, a little sad that he was feeling stressed again, “It’ll be best to get the conversation over and done with.”

“Thanks,” Phil mumbled, shaking me off as he reached out again for his coffee.

Adam and Ethan arrived just moments after mine and Phil’s little exchange. Ethan had the blanket wrapped tightly around him and Adam’s arm around his waist too. The pair of them sat down opposite us, Adam reaching out for food and Ethan keeping his hands hidden inside the blanket.

I knew it would take a little encouragement for Ethan to eat something. Everyone needed a little push in the right direction after being sick. I got up to fill him a glass of water as a start. As I laid it down at his place, I asked if he wanted to have anything to eat.

“Not really,” was his response.

“How about I make you a slice of toast and you have a couple of bites, see how you feel,” I suggested, “And it’s no problem if you don’t want to finish it after that; just give it a shot, okay.”

“Allllright,” Ethan agreed, drawing out his response to show his lack of enthusiasm.

I put the toast on for Ethan, then delivered it to him once it was ready. Adam encouraged him into picking out something to spread on it, and once Ethan had decided on butter, Adam took the knife, did the buttering for him and cut it into four pieces. It was a drawn out process, but it seemed that eventually he managed to finish it.

I watched on as Adam noted this with a big smile and leaned over to give Ethan a little kiss on the cheek. “Proud of you,” he mumbled, “How’re you feeling?”

“Maybe a little better?” Ethan murmured back, still clearly unsure.

When the breakfast stuff was tidied away back to the kitchen and everyone else had gone to start getting ready, I overheard an argument taking place between Adam and Ethan. I moved closer to their room so I could hear what was happening and intervene if I needed to.

“Adam, can I not have five fucking minutes to myself to take a shit?” Ethan said angrily, his voice raised.

“But the doctor said you’re not to be by yourself… even in the bathroom,” Adam retorted.

“I don’t care what the doctor said; I won’t be able to shit with you watching me,” Ethan said, starting to back out of the doorway.

“Well I guess that’s too bad, no shitting for you,” Adam said rudely.

At this point, I knew I should break this up and try and help them come to an agreement. I took the last few steps towards their room as Ethan replied to Adam again.

“Adam, I’ll be having stomach cramps and nausea by mid morning if I don’t go,” he explained, “In fact, I’ll probably shit myself.”

“Guys,” I said, standing behind Ethan in the doorway, “Let’s stop the fighting and come to a dignified decision.”

I looked between them; Adam looked a bit embarrassed and Ethan looked incredibly uncomfortable, one hand resting on his lower stomach.

“Right, Ethan, go to the bathroom, but maybe just don’t lock the door?” I suggested.

“Thank fuck,” Ethan said, pushing past me and rushing down the hallway to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. There was no follow up noise of the lock clicking, only that of the toilet seat being put down in a bit of a hurry.

“Adam,” I said firmly, making my way into the room properly, “I know you’re really worried about having him alone, but that’s no way to treat him. Talking it through calmly would’ve been much more effective and less stressful for both of you.”

“Sorry,” Adam said, meekly, “I just panicked a bit and I got a bit argumentative. I just… I couldn’t get it out of my mind, all the things he could harm himself with in there. He could drown himself, drink toilet cleaner or something?”

“Adam,” I said, more softly, hearing the concern in his voice, “I think he’ll be okay; I think the only thing on his mind was going to the toilet. There’s no toilet cleaner in there anyway. It’s away in mine and Phil’s bathroom. Try not to worry too much, but if he’s taking too long, I can walk past and ask if he’s okay.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, still looking worried, but sitting down on the bed and taking a couple of deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

“And I want you to apologise to him when he’s back,” I told Adam, still wanting to make sure he understood he’d done something wrong.

“Yeah, I know,” Adam nodded sullenly.

“Get yourself dressed and I’ll go and do the same,” I said to him, “I’ll be back in five minutes and we’ll see what’s happening

I headed along to mine and Phil’s room, where Phil was tightening his belt and pulling his shirt down over it.

“Hey,” I greeted him, “Don’t know if you heard, but Adam and Ethan were fighting. Ethan needed to poop and didn’t want Adam there with him, and Adam wasn’t having him being alone.”

“What’s happening then?” Phil asked, quirking an eyebrow in puzzlement.

“I told Ethan just to go and not lock the door. Adam’s getting ready now, but I’ve talked to him about how he was treating Ethan. I know he’s really anxious and worried about everything, but it still wasn’t right,” I explained.

“Ahh,” Phil nodded, “I can see why he’s having a hard time.”

I got dressed while Phil loitered around the room, making the bed and tidying up the odd thing. Phil wasn’t in the best state of mind either this morning, and for once it was me that was holding everyone together. Once I had my clothes on and my pyjamas away, I approached Phil as he stared absent-mindedly out of the window, and put my arms around him from behind. I pressed a few kisses to his neck and the side of his face, nuzzling my face into his neck.

“Love you Phil,” I told him, “We don’t have much time just now, but we’ll talk through things later.”

“Yeah, thanks Dan,” Phil yawned, “Love you too.”

–

There was a knock on our bedroom door and I called out a come in. Adam peered his head around the door and looked over at me.

“Dan, could you… uhh… see if Ethan’s okay? J-just he’s still in there and I know I’m being paranoid but I need to know and I don’t know if he’ll want to speak to me,” Ethan whispered, in case Ethan could hear him next door.

“Sure thing,” I said, disentangling myself from Phil and giving him a pat on the shoulder as I headed for the door.

Adam and I took the few steps along the hallway to the bathroom door and stopped outside.

“Ethan, bud’, you doing okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, sorry for just pushing past you and running in here; it’s just I was about to shit my pants. Like it might’ve been okay having Adam in here if I hadn’t been so desperate, but it just came outta me like a torrent and I wouldn’t want him to witness that,” Ethan replied.

“It’s okay,” I said, “I completely get why you don’t want Adam in there. I had to shit in front of Phil the third time I saw him and it wasn’t pretty. I was mortified; it was that bad.”

“I’ll leave you to it,” I added, not wanting to be weird and talk to him while he was pooping for too long, “Remember, the appointment’s at nine, just shout if you need anything and let us know if you don’t think you’re going to make it in time.”

“It’s fine, I’m nearly done,” Ethan said, “I’m just a little all over the place at the moment, my digestive system included, so I don’t think there’s much that would help.”

“I’ll look out a bottle of juice for you that you can drink on the way there,” I told him, finally walking away, “Maybe lucozade or something.”

“So sounds like he’s got a slight case of the runs and just needed some privacy,” I said to Adam, pausing at his and Ethan’s bedroom door, “You finish getting ready; go and use mine and Phil’s bathroom if you need to.”

I left Adam to get himself ready and found Ethan some Lucozade from one of our kitchen cupboards. It was in no way guaranteed to make everything better, but it would stop him from being too dehydrated and maybe give him some energy to get through the morning. I put the drink on the bench near the door, then moved Ethan’s shoes over next to that. I looked out a coat for him to borrow as we hadn’t had a chance to get him one yet, then headed back into mine and Phil’s room to finish getting ready.

Adam did come in to use our bathroom, but Ethan was done in the other one only a couple of minutes later. We all congregated in the hallway by the door once he was ready. He was dressed, well almost, as he was still in the t-shirt he wore to bed, and he clearly hadn’t put much effort into sorting his hair other than running his fingers through it.

“Have you got everything you need?” Phil asked him, as I reached out to open the door.

“I think so,” Ethan nodded, taking the bottle of juice in one hand and Adam’s hand in the other.

“Good,” Phil nodded, hanging back to let the two of them go through the door first.

Phil locked up and the four of us headed down the stairs. Okay, maybe having three people accompany Ethan to the doctor’s was a bit extreme, but Phil and I would wait in the waiting room, out of the way. I was guessing Adam would go in with him as moral support.

Phil drove there; although I was on the insurance now and could drive it whenever I needed to, it was still Phil’s car and that was what came naturally to us. In the back, Adam was sitting in the middle, one arm around the waist of Ethan, who was resting his head against the car window. I could see that Ethan was taking half-hearted sips of his drink as Adam gently encouraged him.

The doctor took Ethan within five minutes of us sitting down in the waiting room. With being so early in the day, things hadn’t had a chance to start running late yet. Adam got up with Ethan and I could see him introducing himself to Ethan’s doctor as they headed for his room.

Phil let out a small sigh once they were out of sight, tiredly resting his head on my shoulder. I turned a little to face into him and brought my arms around him loosely, not saying anything, but knowing how he was feeling and wanting to show some subtle understanding without having to talk about what was happening.

I was still hugging Phil when a voice broke through our little bubble, “Dan… Phil… Neither of you are here to see me as far as I know, so what’s happening?”

Moving out of my embrace with Phil and looking up to see my doctor, I replied, “We’re here with my brother’s soulmate. He has depression and hasn’t taken his medication in three days, as things have happened with his parents and he doesn’t have it. I got him to phone in yesterday and he got an appointment with his doctor for this morning. Hopefully he’ll get a new prescription… that’s how it works, right?”

“Probably. His doctor will talk to him and make sure that’s still the best solution. This sounds like a bit of stress on you two; how are things going?” my doctor asked, fairly quickly changing the conversation to Phil and I, because that was what he knew about.

“My anxiety isn’t too bad at the moment and Phil’s feeling a lot better now that he’s not drinking any milk. Things are a bit… uhh… stressful at the moment, but we’ll get through it,” I explained.

“I’m glad you’re both doing okay,” he nodded, “And Dan, if you need to, remember you can talk to your therapist about other things that are bothering you. How often are you seeing her at the moment?”

“Weekly. I’ve got an appointment later in the week, so I’ll see how things are then,” I explained, not knowing how Phil would feel about me sharing that it was more him who was feeling stressed.

My doctor was called over by the receptionist, so that put an end to the conversation, but it was probably heading out anyway. I’d kind of lost track of how long they’d been away, but it wasn’t long after this that Ethan and Adam appeared back, chaperoned by Ethan’s doctor.

In one hand Ethan held a prescription and his other hand was joined with Adam’s; no surprise there. Ethan still looked immensely tired, but he looked just the tiniest bit happier.

“Okay, Ethan’s got a new prescription there so pop by the pharmacy on the way home and pick that up. He should start it just when he would normally take it, whether that’s this evening or tomorrow morning,” the doctor explained to Phil and I, “Side effects include drowsiness, headaches, nausea, insomnia and diarrhoea, with headaches and nausea being the most likely. Still keep an eye on him at all times until you’re satisfied his mental state has improved. I’d like to see him again next week for a check up.”

“Okay,” I nodded, taking in what the doctor had said, “I’m on the same medication so I understand the side effects to an extent.”

Ethan’s doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then concerned, “You’re not required to tell me why you’re taking them, but do you feel you’re mentally stable enough to be looking after Ethan?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I’m taking them for anxiety. I have PTSD as a result of abuse, but depressive thoughts aren’t really something that bother me much,” I explained, not having realised that my little comment could have raised concerns.

“Right,” the doctor nodded, “That’s okay then.”

We got Ethan’s next appointment organised, then headed off home, via the pharmacy. It was just after ten when we got in, still way before the time I would choose to get out of bed. Ethan decided that he would just start his pills there and then, this being more like his usual breakfast time.

I knew things were far from good, but for the rest of the day Ethan seemed okay. He spent most of the time sleeping, or alternatively cuddling with Adam. I could see that for both of them it was a relief to have Ethan back on his medication; even if it wasn’t necessarily taking effect yet, it was a step in the right direction.

Phil made soup again for lunch. Ethan was asleep when the rest of us were eating it at the table, but Phil and Adam took some through to him in a mug afterwards. Adam gently woke him up and when he was ready, Phil handed over the soup, along with a bit of bread to dunk. I lingered in the doorway, not wanting to crowd Ethan, but wanting to make sure that things were going okay.

“Thanks,” Ethan said, as he tucked into the soup, “I’m still not feeling fantastic so soup is just the right thing.”

Phil and I left after that, heading to our own room for a bit of alone time. Adam and Ethan knew that they could still come in if they needed anything, but Phil and I had a few things we needed to discuss and resolve.

We sat down on our bed together and after a minute or two of just enjoying the silence, I brought up last night and how Phil was feeling, “How are you feeling this morning about what happened yesterday?”

“Embarrassed,” Phil stated, turning a bit red, “I tripped and then I made such a scene… and my hip and my shoulder still hurt.”

“Have you bruised?” I asked, not having seen Phil naked enough today yet to tell.

“I don’t know,” Phil admitted, “I didn’t really check when I got dressed.”

“Can I have a look?” I asked, fingers toying with the hem of his t-shirt.

Nodding, Phil let me lift his shirt off over his head. I noticed he looked in pain as he lifted his arm, but there was no bruise in sight. He lowered his arm slowly back down to in front of his chest, lifting up his other hand to lightly rub his shoulder. I couldn’t be sure, as it was his dominant arm, but I wondered if his shoulder was slightly swollen.

“That’s bothering you,” I acknowledged, “Put your shirt back on, let me see your hip too, then we’ll go and find you something for it. Have you taken any ibuprofen today?”

“No,” Phil said, wincing as he pulled his shirt back on, “Didn’t quite get around to it earlier.”

Shirt returned to its rightful place, Phil started to shimmy his jeans down his thighs, then pulled his boxers down at the side, still exposing a bit more than I needed to see, but it wasn’t a problem. A big purpling bruise had formed on his side, around and just below the level of his waistband.

“Phil,” I said, gently putting his boxers back into place, “Maybe change into your pj bottoms or something less tight on that?”

“Mmm yeah, that’s an idea,” Phil nodded, taking his jeans off and replacing them with his pyjama trousers.

“Let’s go to the kitchen and get you some ibuprofen,” I said, once Phil was redressed, “And do you think some ice would help your shoulder? I’m not quite sure with it having been so long, but it might give you some relief?”

“I’ll try it,” Phil nodded, opening our door and starting to head along the hallway towards the kitchen.

I got the ice out while Phil took the medicine and we regrouped on the sofa, where I held the ice to his shoulder as we got back into our discussion. I could tell it was making him cold, so I gave Phil little breaks from the ice every so often so he didn’t get too uncomfortable.

“How do you feel about just texting your boss now and getting it over and done with?” I suggested, knowing that this was the next step now that we’d talked about how Phil was feeling.

“I don’t know,” Phil said, suddenly looking really anxious.

Seeing how he reacted, I paused the conversation and moved to hold him, “Hey, you’re okay. What is it that’s bothering you about it?”

“I can’t… don’t know to say… what to say,” Phil said, his words coming out in a jumble.

“Phil,” I mumbled softly, “It’s okay, I’ll help you figure it out. Let’s try and calm down a little first, okay? Big slow breaths, just like you tell me.”

I gave Phil a minute or two to focus on calming himself down, thinking myself about what he should say to his boss.

“He said to text when you’re feeling up to it. I think that’s just when you’re feeling up to texting him, not necessarily being ready to work yet,” I started, not wanting Phil to be overwhelmed, “I think you should briefly apologise and explain that you’re recovering from what the lady said to you, but you’ve got a couple of injuries from your fall.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, slowly pulling his phone out from where it had got wedged under his leg, “Can you help me word it?”

“Sure,” I said, moving to an angle where I could see his phone too and starting to think.

Phil and I took the next ten minutes to slowly piece together the text between us, Phil being very particular about his wording, wanting to get exactly the right message across. I did my best to help, but at the end of the day, it said what Phil wanted it to say, I’d just helped him figure out what that was.

Eventually, Phil hit the send button, locked his phone and dropped it onto the couch. He curled into me, again seeming anxious, probably now for the reply.

“Phil, as much as I’m enjoying your snuggling, I don’t think sitting around and waiting is really the best solution,” I said to him, “I think you should go to the kitchen and make yourself some tea, that’ll be doing something to get your mind off it, then the tea should help calm your nerves a little bit.”

Phil wasn’t really that enthusiastic about me sending him to make himself some tea, but he did it anyway. I watched him from the living room and I could see that he was distracted, but hopefully the tea-making was distracting him from his thoughts, in turn. I had Phil’s phone, to stop him from checking it every few seconds, but I knew I would feel it vibrate when there was a reply.

Phil was settled back on the couch, drinking his tea, when the message arrived. I opened it up and had a quick read through first, so I could predetermine Phil’s reaction.

_No need to apologise, Phil. Your fall was an accident and it was that lady that caused a scene, not you. I had a strong word with her and informed her that you are a trusted employee of mine and will remain working for me, but she is not welcome back. I don’t know if what she said was enough to be reported to the police as some kind of abuse or harassment, but I’ll look into it for you if you want. We don’t have any means of stopping her coming into the restaurant again, but if you see her, let me know immediately and I’ll deal with the situation. As for your injuries, are you fit to work / when do you think you will be?_

I handed Phil the phone and watched as he read through it. I could see the relief on his face as he read the last sentence. After rereading it and looking thoughtful, Phil started to type out a response. There was a bit of backspacing and rewriting that went on, but eventually Phil seemed happy enough with it, letting me read it through before he sent it.

_I don’t think we really need to get the police involved unless you think there’s good reason to. I have a bruised hip, which will probably heal up in a day or two, and a sore shoulder which I’m hoping will go away, but it’s a lot more painful than my hip so I should maybe see the doctor if it doesn’t ease up soon._

This time a reply back from his boss came almost instantly.

_I’ll find cover for you for the next three days; keep me updated on how you’re doing in case I need to extend that._

Phil replied saying ‘thanks’ to put a tidy end to the conversation and thank his boss for being so understanding. After that, he locked his phone and dropped it down onto the sofa, snuggling up close to me again.

“You feeling better now?” I mumbled to him, noticing he now seemed a lot more relaxed.

“Yeah, that’s a lot of weight off my shoulders,” Phil nodded, “Still processing everything that happened, but it’s a relief to know that I’ve still got my job.”

“You want to just cuddle for a bit now?” I suggested, adjusting my body to be in a slightly more comfortable position.

“Sounds perfect,” Phil smiled, nuzzling his face into my hoodie, “Just what I need.”

Phil and I just laid in each other’s arms for a while, talking occasionally when things sprung to mind, but feeling no need to fill the silence. It was only when we’d been silent for particularly long, that I noticed Phil had in fact fallen asleep.

I knew he hadn’t slept well last night, so I let him nap for a bit, despite me being unable to move without waking him up. I’d give him about twenty minutes, unless I needed the bathroom or he started cutting my circulation off before then.

I noticed that Phil was sleeping restlessly, but I left him to it, thinking he would calm down as he got drawn further into his sleep. I probably wasn’t the most comfortable thing to sleep on, but I suspected he just had too much on his mind and that was the problem.

I was starting to doze off myself, when Phil suddenly jerked in his sleep. Instantly awake, I kept an eye on him for a minute and noticed he was shaking. I was guessing he was having some kind of dream, but I couldn’t quite decide whether I should wake him up from it or not. I was contemplating, when I noticed that Phil had one eye cracked open.

“Dan,” he mumbled weakly, shivering then shaking a little more violently for a few seconds.

“Phil, what’s wrong?” I asked, seeing something was clearly not right.

“I just had some really confusing bad dreams about work and my head feels so confused and fuzzy and I don’t know why I’m shaking but…” Phil trailed off, a few tears rolling their way down his face.

“Let’s go to our room and get you warm and comfortable,” I said, seeing the goosebumps on Phil’s arms and the way he cracked his neck from lying funny.

“I feel sick,” Phil said, as he got to his feet.

Keeping ahold of him as he’d been lying down for a while, I started to walk us to our room.

“Do you feel like you’re going to throw up or…?” I asked, wanting to check how serious Phil’s complaint was.

“I don’t think so,” Phil mumbled, “I just feel a bit funny.”

I pulled back the duvet off Phil’s side of the bed, letting him climb up and sit down. I sat beside him, wrapping the duvet around his shoulders and pulling a blanket up around his legs.

“Let me know if you do feel any worse,” I said, sidling up right next to him and putting an arm around him inside the duvet, “Is this helping? Are you warming up a bit?”

“I think so,” Phil said, still a bit jittery.

I helped Phil to focus on his breathing for a bit to calm him down further. He was just a bit disorientated from his dream and I could tell he just needed to calm down and relax a little. It seemed to work, for five minutes later, Phil’s shivering and shaking had reduced to nothing and he looked comfortable and relaxed.

“I relived last night and a few other bad nights at work in my dream, but they kind of got blended together and jumbled up,” Phil explained to me, “My head’s a bit clearer now though.”

“I’m glad,” I said, nuzzling into the warmth of the duvet, “I think you fell asleep with too much on your mind. Let’s make sure we relax before bed tonight.”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded, looking thoughtful, “Dan… I think I want to go back to cooking school in September… and get myself a good qualification so I can become a chef. I’m a bit tired of waiting tables to be honest, like I’ll keep it up for the money at the moment, but as soon I get a different opportunity, I’ll be out of there.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed, smiling, happy that Phil was thinking about taking another step towards following his dreams.

Although he was still tired, Phil didn’t want to sleep again yet, so we ended up watching something on my laptop together. It was nice to cuddle in our bed while conscious for a change. I felt like in the last week or so, we’d only really cuddled while asleep.

We eventually left the cosy confines of our bed as it got towards dinner time. Phil put on a hoodie so he didn’t get cold again and we headed to the kitchen together to make dinner. I didn’t always help out, but I was staying by Phil today after the emotional trauma of last night. We made chicken with a little sauce and a selection of vegetables. Adam and Ethan came for their dinner fairly quickly when they were called, but only Adam tucked into his. Phil had served out a smaller portion for Ethan, with hope that he might feel up for eating something, but it was sitting in front of him, untouched.

“Are you not feeling up to eating that?” Phil asked Ethan.

“No, not really,” he admitted, “Can I maybe make myself some toast instead?”

“Sure,” Phil said, about to get to his feet when he realised Ethan had said he’d make it, “Yeah, go ahead. Just shout if there’s anything you can’t find.”

A few minutes later, Ethan came back from the kitchen with a slice of buttered toast and a glass of water. I’d moved his plate of chicken into the centre of the table while he’d been gone, making it available in case anyone wanted more. He sat down at his plate and tucked into his toast. At least he was eating something.

Ethan was sitting with his head in his hands by the time the rest of us had finished eating, looking tired and miserable. I was about to ask Ethan if he was okay, when Adam answered for me, “Can Ethan have some paracetamol?”

For a moment, I was confused by the request, until I remembered that whatever was hurting, Adam was probably feeling too. “Yeah, of course,” I said, getting up, “What’s wrong?”

“Headache mainly, but still a bit of chest pain too,” he explained, looking to Ethan for a nod of confirmation.

I took Ethan’s glass with me to the kitchen to get him a refill of water to go along with the paracetamol. His face was expressionless as he swallowed them, clearly so used to taking pills that it didn’t bother him anymore. He washed them down with some water and sat back in his seat.

“How is your chest?” I asked him, “D’you think it’s maybe starting to get better?”

“Still bruised,” Ethan told me, “Maybe a little bit, but I’m not really too sure.”

“If it’s still bad by next week, you could maybe get your doctor to take a look at the end of your appointment,” I suggested, “Or if you think you need it seen to, we can organise something?”

“I think I’ll give it a week and see,” Ethan said, “I’m coping.”

“Okay, well if you need anything to help, let Phil or I know. Ice, hot water bottles, painkillers, whatever; it’s not a problem,” I said, trying to make sure he wouldn’t suffer in silence.

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled, resting his head on Adam’s shoulder.

“Now, can I take a look at your arm to see how it’s healing up?” I asked him, wanting to make sure everything had scabbed over and wasn’t looking infected.

“Yeah, okay,” Ethan said, not sounding too sure about it.

I got our first aid stuff and then sat down at the end of the table next to Ethan. I got him to put his arm up on the table and I carefully unwound the bandage and took off the dressing that I had put on it yesterday. There were a number of cuts, but they hadn’t been too deep and seemed to have scabbed over okay. The skin around them was slightly raised, which was probably them healing, but I smeared some antiseptic cream over them as a precaution. Ethan flinched away as I did this and I looked up at him to see tears in his eyes. Adam hadn’t noticed because Ethan was facing away from him, but I could tell he needed his support.

“Ethan, they’re healing up okay. I know this is a bit stingy, but things are on the mend. There’s nothing to worry about,” I told him.

My words brought it to Adam’s attention that Ethan could do with a little help and soon enough there were two arms wrapping around his waist and Adam pressed up close behind him. I started to rewrap Ethan’s arm in a clean bandage, seeing that having it out and about was affecting him.

“J-just seeing them makes me w-want to make more,” Ethan stuttered, in a slight state of panic, his breathing unsteady.

I taped up the join of the bandage and let go of Ethan’s arm, “Deep breaths, try and relax, they’re away again now.”

Ethan brought his arm up to his chest and looked at it uncomfortably, “It’s itchy.”

At this Adam moved to grab Ethan’s other hand which looked like it was threatening to head in for a scratch, “I know it’ll be hard, but you can’t itch it, love. Take some deep breaths like Dan said, c’mon; you need to relax a bit.”

I watched as Ethan took a couple of very forced deep breaths, while Adam intertwined their fingers slowly. The panic was slowly leaving him and I felt I could walk away now and everything would be okay. I turned my attention to Phil, who had been filling the dishwasher and stacking the pots next to the sink in the kitchen, but had now returned.

“Right Phil, Dan’s first aid clinic here; can I see your hands,” I joked, trying to make things a bit lighthearted despite the injuries involved.

Phil’s cuts from the plate the other night had been healing up okay, so it was just his cut from the broken glass last night that I needed to look at. In the end, Phil got the same treatment as Ethan: a smear of antiseptic cream and a new plaster.

I was glad everyone was on the mend. Okay, Phil could probably take care of his own injuries and Adam and Ethan could’ve managed between them, but it was nice to keep on top of everyone and have some control over the situation. I think they appreciated it too; Ethan wouldn’t have coped with the cuts by himself and Adam had a lot to deal with as it was. Phil had been having a rough week and in the grand scheme of things, I had the least problems at the moment, so it only felt right for me to help out.

I felt like I had been holding everyone together recently, but I could see things starting to improve. Ethan was back on his medication and that would help both him and Adam in turn. Phil now had a few days off to sort himself out and I’m sure it wouldn’t be long before he had his confidence back.

Wanting this evening to be as relaxing as possible for everyone, I suggested that we should all hang out in the living room together and watch a film. The four of us settled on one, paired up on our respective sofas, with plenty of snacks on the table for those who fancied them.

The film was good, or at least the atmosphere of our living room was good. Phil’s plants were the only living things in the room not cuddling. Phil and I were on one sofa and Adam and Ethan were on the other. I felt warm and content, happily snuggled up next to Phil. I think Ethan had got a bit too comfortable, for at some point during the film he had fallen asleep in Adam’s arms. Adam had continued to watch quietly, not moving too much or making too much noise so he could give his boyfriend the peace to sleep.

When the film ended, Adam then had to figure out what to do with the sleeping Ethan. He managed to slowly move out from underneath him and get to his feet, shaking the feeling back into his legs.

“I don’t really want to wake him,” Adam admitted to me and Phil.

“Are you planning on leaving him here?” Phil asked, “Or I can try and help you carry him back to your room?”

“That would be good,” Adam said, nodding at Phil, “Although I’m not really too sure how.”

Phil and Adam discussed a few methods and then eventually picked Ethan up between them, each of them acting like one arm of a forklift. It seemed to work okay as they managed to get Ethan along to the room and into bed without waking him up. I lent a hand by hurrying ahead to open the bedroom door and pulling back the covers so they could get Ethan into bed properly.

Phil and I left Adam to get ready for bed and join him, making our way into the hallway and shutting their door so we could discuss who was locking up and head to bed ourselves.

“D’you want to go and do the clearing up and locking up?” I asked Phil, “And I’m going to make our room nice and cosy so we can relax in bed for a bit before we go to sleep.”

“Sure thing,” Phil nodded, splitting away from me to head towards the living room.

As Phil did the locking up and made sure things were turned off or tidy, I worked on getting our room cosy. I hadn’t said to Phil exactly what I was planning, but having everything perfectly cosy was going to be a big part of it. I put our bedside lamps on and turned off the big ceiling light. I made sure our duvet was pulled to one side and that we had an array of fluffy blankets on hand.

I spread a towel out on the bed, as my plan was to give Phil a little massage and I didn’t want lotion to get everywhere. In no way was I an expert at massages, but we’d done this before and it helped Phil relax, which was something I’d been focusing on this evening.

I put on a little music, but kept the volume turned down very low so you wouldn’t be able to hear it outside of our room. I made sure I had Phil’s favourite moisturiser lotion and put it on the bedside table so it was handy. I stripped down to just my t-shirt and boxers, getting my jeans and hoodie out of the way.

When Phil walked in, it seemed he got the wrong idea. As unsexy as that is, we would sometimes have sex on top of a towel to stop the sheets getting messy. Phil immediately assumed that this was my plan, “Dan… umm, I’m not sure I’m really feeling up for it tonight.”

“Oh,” I laughed, immediately seeing Phil’s misunderstanding, “I was thinking of a massage, not sex.”

“Oh alright then,” Phil laughed, sounding unenthusiastic as a tease.

“Have more enthusiasm,” I joked, pulling Phil towards me a little.

Phil certainly put on more enthusiasm at that, nuzzling into me and rubbing his hoodie covered arms up against my slightly goose-bumped ones. I pulled him down onto the bed and sat pressed up next to him as I explained what I was going to do. Phil wasted no time when I finally explained that, presuming he was up for it, I would like him lying naked on the towel.

Phil’s clothes landed in varying places in the room, but he kept a hold of the hoodie to put under his head.

“Would you like me to keep my underwear or not?” I asked Phil, wanting to do whatever would make him feel most comfortable.

“Would you be naked for the intimacy of it?” Phil asked, looking up at me hopefully.

“Sure,” I said, nodding and continuing to get undressed, “That’s what I’d like, but I wanted to do whatever you were happiest with.”

Now that we were both appropriately naked, I straddled Phil and lightly rested some of my weight on his lower back. I would start on his shoulders and upper back, that being the place he always managed to build up the most tension. I took the chill off some of the lotion by rubbing it between my hands, then got to work, working with Phil to find the best spots.

Being naked in February, despite being inside, could be a little chilly. I was feeling the cold, but I was trying not to let it bother me as I was sitting on top of Phil and he was warm, but eventually I was struck by one of those shivers that goes all the way up your body and it came to Phil’s attention that I was cold. He’d had his head turned a little so he could see me and my shiver didn’t go unnoticed, neither did my arm hair, which had all taken to standing on end.

“Dan,” Phil said, stopping me from continuing his massage and thrusting his hoodie at me, “Put this on; you’re cold.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the hoodie from him, but not commenting on my coldness.

I pulled the hoodie over my head and pulled it right down, tucking it under my bum, between me and Phil. The warmth was relieving and the fact it was Phil’s hoodie and smelt of him made me feel extra happy. Now that I was wearing something to stop me from shivering, Phil let me continue.

It took a while, but eventually I had worked my way all the way down his back and my hands now rested on the dip of his lower back. Phil was like a puddle beneath me, soft and pliant, as he had almost melted under my touch.

“How’re you feeling?” I asked softly, “You want me to do anywhere else? Your legs?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Phil mumbled, “Sleepy.”

“Well, I’ll let you sleep then,” I said, grabbing a blanket from next to me, “Here, I’ll wrap you up a little; are you comfortable?”

“Mmmm,” Phil mumbled, lazily reaching an arm out to pull the pillow a bit further under his head.

I wrapped the blanket around Phil and tucked it under him at the far side, knowing he felt exposed when he slept naked. I cuddled up next to Phil and pulled the duvet over us, again making sure it was covering Phil plenty at his far side. He wouldn’t mind me cuddled up next to his bare skin, but anything that was exposed to the room outside of the blankets would bother him.

I quickly followed Phil to the realms of sleep, and laying in each others arms we had a peaceful night.

–

Over the next few days, Phil recovered from his traumatic evening at work, the cuts on his hands healing up and fading back into his skin. The bruise on his hip was fading and although he still suffered the occasional twinge of pain from his shoulder, it had improved a lot. Ethan’s cuts were gradually healing too and his antidepressants were starting to kick in. I’d hoped that he wouldn’t be bothered by the side effects of them, but he seemed to be hit quite badly.

It was a battle with constant nausea, days of diahorrea and one or two occasions where he ended up knelt on the floor in front of the toilet, the contents of his stomach taking a u-turn. Everyone did their bit to help out; Phil went shopping to buy him energy drinks and rehydration stuff, I made sure he kept taking his medication and reassured him with the fact it did get better and Adam… Adam was always by his side to make him feel better, supplying endless hugs, and kisses where appropriate. Adam had been taking care of Ethan’s washing, which had increased in quantity a little, despite Phil and I insisting it wasn’t a problem. Adam had been providing the emotional support when he felt too ill to go on. Adam had been providing the physical support when he felt too weak to get back up from the bathroom floor.

However, despite feeling so physically shit, Ethan had been doing a job of holding himself together. He hadn’t had too many breakdowns and okay, he’d had one little self harming incident, but sometimes you just can’t help being triggered. There had been some blood on a crime investigation show on the TV and shortly after, Ethan excused himself to go to the bathroom. Adam could feel that he was triggered, but it wasn’t until the sharp pain in his forearm that we realised he still had access to something sharp. It turned out to have been nail scissors, which were promptly confiscated.

This was one of the occasions where Ethan threw up, the panic over what he’d done and the blood everywhere freaking him out, paired with the nausea that was already bothering him. Adam bandaged him up after this incident, surprising both me and Phil that he didn’t need help with everything going on.

We were a little concerned with Adam having all these side effects when he hadn’t had them the first time around, but then Dan reminded me of how he’d suffered when he got his dose increased. We didn’t have long to worry though, because Ethan started to feel better after a few days and was definitely back to normal by his one week check-up. He was able to inform the doctor of his side effects, but also that he was feeling a lot better now.

In general, things got a bit better from there on. It was clear Ethan was feeling a bit less depressed. He was smiling sometimes. Yes there were still breakdowns and tears, but the frequency and intensity decreased. With him being that bit more stable, we could now start to think about the next step, about getting him to go home with Adam and hopefully live a more enjoyable life in my hometown, away from the parents who had caused him so much pain.


	29. Passion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a sidenote, I understand that Adam and Ethan aren’t quite the right ages for their school years, and they should probably both be a year behind. I don’t quite understand the English school system so just worked off how I was 16/17 for my last year at school. I think in England my birthday would’ve put me down a year - it’s quite confusing. Anyway, it doesn’t matter much for the story, just sorry for the inaccuracy and don’t take anything I’m saying about the school system as accurate.

**Dan’s POV:**

Ethan had been back on his medication for around ten days now and he was doing pretty good. After the first couple of days when he’d been plagued by the negative side effects, things had been steadily going uphill. He was starting to smile more, and although it would be a long time before the depression left him completely, I think we could all see a lot of improvement.

We were now working on getting him to be able to go home with Adam, back to my parents house. There were things to be done, people to tell. My mum had been up a couple of times to help sort things out, as she knew how to talk to schools and banks better than Phil and I did. There was the odd issue as she wasn’t related to Ethan, but with him being seventeen, he was old enough to be allowed to make these changes himself.

Today, all of us were heading into Ethan’s school to talk to his guidance teacher about what had happened, collect any of his work he might need and have him officially leave the school. Ethan had texted his mum beforehand to get some kind of idea of what they knew already:

_Just to let you know to let you know that I’ll be moving down south to live with my soulmate and his family. I’m not going to sit my exams and I’ll take this year again next year. What have you told the school?_

His mum’s reply confirmed what we all expected… that his school knew hardly anything.

_You’re off ill for mental health reasons until further notice. That’s what we said at the start of the year and we haven’t said anything since then._

Having spoken with Ethan and Adam, I knew that my Mum, Phil and I would be doing the talking. We would probably go into a lot of detail to make sure everything was cleared up, and we didn’t want Ethan getting triggered by the memories.

My mum had phoned up in advance to let them know that we were coming. It probably took a bit of explaining, but they knew that a group of us would be along with Ethan to talk about the situation. My mum and Ethan did the talking at reception and soon enough we were being guided along the corridor to where we were having a meeting with Mrs Andrews, the teacher who was in charge of dealing with Ethan’s subject choices, discipline and any problems he might have with bullying, classmates, course content or mental health. She was the one who Ethan could’ve gone to about how he was feeling, if only he’d been able to put trust in her at the time.

We all joined her a small meeting room initially, until Mrs Andrews asked about what had been happening. My mum was beginning to explain, when I stopped her, not wanting Ethan to have to hear all of this.

“Mum, hold on,” I said, cutting her off, “I think Ethan should go outside while we do this. Adam, maybe go with him.”

Ethan looked over at me thankfully and the two of them got up, linked hands effortlessly and left the room.

“So, Dan, why is it better for Ethan not to be here?” Mrs Andrews asked, sounding a bit puzzled.

“Okay, you were told in January that he was off for mental health reasons, right?” I asked, wanting to confirm this before we started off.

“Yes,” she nodded.

“Okay,” I said, deciding that I should just get straight to what had happened and then backtrack to why, “He attempted suicide a few hours into the new year. He was and still is suffering from severe depression. I feel like having him hear this could trigger dark thoughts and make him want to harm himself.”

“Right,” the teacher nodded, suddenly looking a lot more serious, grabbing her notepad and scribbling something down.

“Shall we go from the beginning?” I asked rhetorically, knowing she should hear the entire story.

Between, Phil, my Mum and I, we explained things from the beginning, how Ethan knew even before he met his soulmate that his parents would disown him, for his soulmate was male too. Quite how long he’d been suffering from symptoms of depression, we didn’t know, but it was steadily getting worse towards the end of the year. My mum and I explained how we had heard about all of this through Adam and seen his reaction to Ethan trying to take his life.

It was another month before they met, in which Ethan had spent some time in hospital, then returned home where he ended up partaking in a lot of self harm. They got to spend a few days together which was good for them, but Ethan had to go home and keep it all a secret, which was hard for him. Two weeks later he accidentally let it slip to his dad; he got badly beaten up and kicked out and has been staying with me and Phil for two weeks now. He’s now taking antidepressants which I think are helping, but he’s still not stable.

“What’s your plan with him?” Mrs Andrews asked, after making some more notes, “He’s too old to go into a children’s home but it sounds like he needs looking after… a mental ward?”

“No, no, he’s spent his time there,” I said, “He’s going to move down south to live with Adam and our parents. He’s not being away from Adam now. We think that’s what’s best for him. It gives him a fairly stable family environment and his soulmate, which is two things he’s been lacking recently.”

“Yes, I can see that being good for him, but it could also have been good for him to continue living in an area he knows well,” she commented.

“We’ve thought about this. Phil and I are the only people he knows around here and we can’t support him permanently. Also Adam will be sitting his AS Level exams in June and he can’t be changing schools at this stage in the year,” I explained.

“And Ethan can?” she asked, sounding mildly horrified, “He’s had enough disruption as it is.”

“He’ll be going back to school in September and doing his A-Levels next year instead,” I explained, “He’s missed too much this year, would you not agree?”

“He’s always been a clever boy, I think he could catch up and still do well,” she said, “But if you think that’s what’s best for him, then that’s fine.”

“If he was suddenly cured of his depression right now then maybe he could, but it doesn’t work like that. I have no doubt he’s still going to be struggling with his mental health for a while,” I explained, “I think a few months with no stress and just getting used to his new surroundings will be good for him.”

“Okay,” Mrs Andrews said almost cheerily, that tone of voice teachers use to change the subject, “Are we taking him off the system today then, have him officially leave?”

“Yes, that’s the plan,” I nodded, “Is that possible?”

“It should be. I’ll need to go and talk with his year head, but she’s free this afternoon so that should be possible,” she nodded, “Would you like some tea or coffee while I go and see if she’s available?”

“Can Ethan go around his teachers and collect his work, as it might be useful for him next year?” I asked, knowing that was something he wanted to do.

“Yes, that’ll be fine. Will one of you go with him, just so he’s not alone?” she asked.

“Adam probably will,” Phil said, “Or do you want one of us to go too?”

“Could you? I’m just concerned in case he bumps into anyone in his year who might ask too many questions,” she explained, “You know what teenagers can be like.”

“I’ll go?” Phil volunteered, “This used to be my school, so I’m interested to see if it’s changed much in six or seven years.”

Phil left the room at the same time as Mrs Andrews, off to join Adam and Ethan and head around the school to collect Ethan’s work. Mrs Andrews returned with the stuff to make coffee for both me and my mum, apologising that she couldn’t find any teabags.

My mum took her up on the offer, but I politely declined, “Sorry, but I can’t drink coffee.”

Mrs Andrews made the coffee for my mum, gave me a cup of water, then left to go and find Ethan’s year head.

“Why is it you don’t take coffee again? It makes you shaky or something?” My mum asked, clearly trying to recall whatever excuse I’d given when I was down to see her at new year.

“Umm kind of,” I said, now willing to tell her a bit more about my anxiety, “You know I’m taking medication for anxiety… it’s connected to that. Like the caffeine can raise my anxiety levels, which sometimes I can deal with, but I’ve had panic attacks because of it before.”

“Ahh,” my mum mumbled, nodding as she tried to understand, “How much does this affect you? You didn’t seem very willing to talk about it at new year.”

“I’ve had my medication dose upped since then, so I’m doing better. I was having like one or two panic attacks a week before that, which wasn’t great, but I haven’t had many in the last couple of weeks,” I explained.

“You said you do breathing exercises to help an attack, right?” she asked, again wanting to confirm what I’d previously told her.

“Yup,” I nodded, “But I have a second medication that I take that helps me calm down a lot quicker. As well as the breathing, I shake and sometimes sweat and my heart beats really fast. Beta-blockers, they’re technically a heart medicine but the doctor prescribed me them for my anxiety attacks and they help so much.”

At this, I brought the tub out of my coat pocket to show her, “I carry them everywhere with me. I’ve had anxiety attacks twice where I’ve left them at home, and neither of those were pretty.”

“I’m so proud of you,” my mum said suddenly, nodding, “This can’t be easy, but you’ve done the right thing going to the doctor and getting the help you can.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, not quite sure how to react to that, “I see a therapist too, just so you know. That helps, because although I can talk to Phil about things, he’s not a professional. I usually go alone, although Phil does always offer to come with me if I need the support. I’ve only taken him up on that once, but that was two days after an appointment where I had a really big panic attack in her office and Phil had to bring my medication and take me home.”

“How does Ethan’s medication work then? Is that something he always needs to carry with him?” my mum asked.

“No, he just needs to take it every morning and that’s him for the day. If he was going away for the night, then yes, he’d need to take it with him, but not other than that,” I explained, “It’s the same medication that I take every day for my anxiety; there’s connections between anxiety and depression so antidepressants can treat both.”

“Ethan doesn’t have the beta blockers too, then?” she asked, wanting to confirm.

“No, he doesn’t have panic attacks, well not generally,” I confirmed, “He may have had one or two things that could probably be classified as one, so I would keep an eye on him and talk to me if you’re worried about anything.”

Mrs Andrews eventually returned and put an abrupt end to our conversation. She had been to speak to Ethan’s year head and returned with a few bits of paperwork.

“We’ll just this form filled out for the admin, but that’s all that really needs to be done,” she explained, handing over the form to me and my mum, “You can maybe make a start on it, fill in the details of the school he’s transferring to.”

My mum took the form and pulled a pen out of her handbag to start filling it in. She knew the school’s details off the top of her head, with both me and Adam having gone there. I took out my phone and texted Phil to see how the work collecting was going.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

I knew my way around the school reasonably well, as this had been my school as a teenager. It had changed a little in the six or seven years since I left, but I’m sure some of the work pinned to the walls had been there when I left.

Ethan was going to see his English, Maths, Psychology and Art teachers. The first three of these, he just popped into a classroom and was back out in under two minutes, getting the job done quickly and efficiently. He just explained to them that he was moving and would like his work as he would be sitting his A-Levels next year instead.

His art teacher was a bit of a different story. He’d made the comment as we approached the classroom that this might be a bit of a longer discussion as he was on quite good terms with him. Adam and I waited outside again, but this time we could hear all of what he said as the door was wedged open.

“Ethan! I haven’t seen you in a while,” the teacher explained, his voice full of excitement, “Are you coming back?”

“No, I’m moving. I’m just here to sort things out with the school and get my work,” Ethan explained.

“Where are you moving to?” he asked.

“Near Reading, to be with my soulmate,” Ethan explained, “I met him about a month ago.”

“Your soulmate! Nice; I don’t think there’s many people in your year who have met theirs yet,” the teacher commented.

“Yeah, I’m a telepathic bond type, which generally means meeting younger,” Ethan explained, probably unsure if this was common knowledge.

“Nice, I have a skin connection with mine; we’re both artists and draw on ourselves a lot so that gave it away eventually,” Ethan’s teacher told him, “I’ve always wondered what having a telepathic bond would be like?”

“It can be challenging, Adam would say that anyway,” Ethan commented, then realised he hadn’t introduced Adam, “Adam’s my soulmate.”

“What’s he like? Is he what you were expecting or did you just kind of know what he was like already?” the teacher asked.

“Kind of, I knew he was a boy, and I had a strong sense of brown hair and eyes,” Ethan explained, “He’s just outside actually. Want to meet him?”

A couple of moments later, Ethan appeared at the door, “Want to meet Mr Davidson?”

He initially pointed this question at Adam, but then nodded at me, “You too, Phil.”

“Mr Davidson,” I mumbled, now realising why his voice had sounded strangely familiar; he was same teacher I’d had for my A-Level art.

“Phil?” Ethan said, Adam having followed him in the door, but me still hanging around in the hallway.

“He’s my old teacher,” I said, hoping that my realisation explained my delay.

“Nice,” Ethan said, the three of us now heading properly into the room.

“This is Adam,” Ethan said, putting his arm around Adam’s waist for a moment.

“And this is Phil, Adam’s brother’s soulmate,” he explained, “I’ve been living with him for the last two weeks.”

“Phil…” My Davidson mused, “…Lester. I remember you.”

I nodded, smiling, but not saying much as this was really about Ethan. He exchanged a few words with both me and Adam, before getting back to Ethan.

“So Ethan, any idea what you’re doing next year yet? What you want to do with your life? Have you applied for uni?” Mr Davidson asked.

“No, I’m going to redo this school year next year,” Ethan explained, “As for my life, I’m not really sure. I wasn’t planning to be around…”

Ethan trailed off, thinking for a moment, “I’ll be honest with you about where I’ve been for the last two months… I attempted suicide at the start of the year.”

Mr Davidson’s expression slowly changed to one of shock and Adam looked rather surprised that he was actually talking about this. I could see that Adam was now on red alert for Ethan breaking down, because it didn’t usually end too well when he chose to bring this up. He reached out for Ethan’s hands, which were anxiously balled together in front of him, encouraged them apart, then held one of them in his own.

“I still don’t really have my life planned out other than being with Adam,” Ethan explained, a little shakily, “I like art; I think out of all my subjects it was what I was most passionate about, but I’ve pretty much lost interest in everything.”

I watched Adam squeeze Ethan’s hand and shuffle a little closer to him. He was handling this well, but it still wasn’t easy for him to talk about it

“Awwhh Ethan, were you feeling like this long?” Mr Davidson asked, “You should’ve spoken to someone.”

“I know, but it wasn’t that easy. My dad’s really homophobic and I knew I’d be out on the streets the moment he found out my soulmate was a guy,” Ethan explained, “He knows now… which is why I’m moving to live with Adam. I’ve been staying with Adam’s brother and Phil for two weeks as they live nearby.”

“Are things a bit better now then?” Mr Davidson, asked, his voice still full of concern.

“I guess so,” Ethan said, sounding unsure, “Like I’ve gained Adam, but I’ve lost my family and although they maybe weren’t the best with all of their views, they were all I’ve known.”

Ethan was sounding rather choked up as he said this. Adam seemed to know exactly when he was about to start crying and pulled Ethan into a hug the moment he finished the sentence.

Mr Davidson and I looked at each other, both knowing we should give them a moment of peace. I moved around them to speak to him; I could get Ethan’s work from him and that would let us leave sooner.

I asked Mr Davidson for Ethan’s work. He got up, walked across the classroom to some large drawers and pulled two folders out of one.

“Here you go,” he said passing them to me, “He’s very talented; I have no doubt he’ll do well in art. Hopefully these’ll give him a head start and he’ll just be able to pick up where he left off, next year.”

“Yes,” I nodded, studying the artwork in the top of the folder. I couldn’t see much of the work, but there were a couple of very striking portraits on top, in a dark color scheme.

I carefully held onto the two folders of work, making sure that they were up the right way so that the contents didn’t spill out onto the floor. Once Ethan had collected himself a little bit, we got going, him saying a slightly tearful goodbye to his art teacher as we headed out the door. Adam held his hand as we walked through the corridors and headed back downstairs; it had only been a little breakdown, but Ethan was clearly shaken up by what he had told his art teacher and there could potentially be more tears to come.

Adam looked deep in thought and I was going to bet he was half in Ethan’s head, trying to calm his mind a little bit. We arrived back at the room where Dan and his mum were talking to Ethan’s guidance teacher. I knocked and the three of us walked in, each taking a seat.

“Ethan, can I ask you a couple of questions?” Mrs Andrews asked, not really giving him long enough to get settled.

Ethan didn’t react immediately, then after a couple of seconds looked up, looking rather dazed, then panickedly at Adam.

“Maybe not right now,” Adam said putting an arm around Ethan and mumbling something into his ear, “We’re going back out into the corridor for two minutes, but we’ll be back.”

With there being a slot window in the door, I was able to see what was going on. Adam guided Ethan across the corridor and they sat down on the blue comfy seats that were right opposite the door. Adam wrapped his arms around Ethan’s waist and lightly rested his head on his shoulder, mumbling things to him. I didn’t know what Adam was saying, but I hoped it was helping.

I learnt that Dan and his mum had been busy filling in some forms for Ethan while we’d been gone. It turned out that all Mrs Andrews really needed from him was to know if there was anything in his locker, and have him sign the forms.

I looked through the door again and saw Ethan turning into Adam for a hug, visibly inhaling deeply and relaxing a bit.

“Dan, I think if one of us goes out there and lets him know that’s all, he’ll probably be okay with it,” I said, realising that Ethan probably assumed the worst when she said she had a couple of questions.

“I’ll do it,” Dan volunteered, getting up and opening the door.

“You guys doing okay?” Dan asked softly, “All she wants to ask is if you have anything in your locker and if you can sign a couple of forms?”

“Okay,” Ethan nodded a little timidly, “I can do that.”

The pair of them got up, Adam instinctively resting his hand on the small of Ethan’s back as they walked the few steps into the room. They joined us at the table and Dan slid the forms towards Ethan, Mrs Andrews pointing out where he needed to sign.

Ethan pushed up his sleeve, picked up the pen and signed his name. His emotional state had made it a little shaky, but I’m sure it would suffice. He plopped the pen back down on the table and relaxed his arm in front of him. They didn’t really catch my eye anymore, but I noticed Mrs Andrews staring at his scars. Ethan must’ve noticed this too, as a few seconds later, he tugged his sleeve back down and put both of his arms under the table.

There was a moment or two of silence as Mrs Andrews realised she’d maybe crossed a line, then she changed the subject and acted as if nothing had happened, “So, do you have anything in your locker? We can give you the spare key to empty it, but don’t worry about returning your copy of the key; we’ll get a new one made.”

Ethan let her know that he probably did have things in his locker, so Mrs Andrews went to get the spare key. We all accompanied him to empty it, as we would be passing on the way out anyway. The contents of his locker were a smelly PE kit, a maths textbook and a notebook which he told us was a journal type thing he kept for a while.

The locker now empty, he handed the key and the maths textbook over to Mrs Andrews, who assured him she would return it to his maths teacher. We exchanged a few goodbyes and Mrs Andrews wished Ethan good luck with his future, and with that, we left. Ethan had a note of her email address in case his new school needed any more information and he had said he would try and email her next year with his results.

We headed to the cars, Dan’s mum to her own and the rest of us to mine. We loaded Ethan’s work into the boot, then got into the car ourselves. Ethan kept ahold of the journal from his locker, and it was as he drove back that he explained what it was about.

“This journal was one of the last things I gave up on. Writing my thoughts down actually kept me sane for a while. I can’t really remember why it was in my locker, but I think I forgot to take it home when I left for the Christmas holidays,” Ethan explained, “There’s a lot in here and I don’t really want to reread it myself yet, but Adam, it might join up some of the dots for you.”

Adam took the book from Ethan and held onto it, quietly thinking, “I think we should go through this together when you’re ready.”

“Okay,” Ethan nodded, “It might be a while before I’m ready, but if that’s what you want to do.”

Halfway home, Adam asked if it would be okay for him to move into the middle seat. I pulled over and stopped the car to let him move safely and without the seatbelt sounder going off. Nothing was really wrong, just Ethan was feeling a little emotional about putting his old school behind him, and wanted a hug.

The rest of the journey home, they were cuddled up together and Ethan looked a lot more comfortable. Adam had put his old journal out of the way on the far seat. It was there, it’s presence was felt, but they didn’t need to do anything about it just yet.

–

That afternoon, Dan’s mum headed home. As far as we knew, everything was sorted for Ethan to move, which would be happening in just over a week. Ethan had been in contact with his mum a little, and would maybe be able to get into his house to get some of his stuff. It wasn’t organised yet, as his Dad not wanting to see him complicated matters, but his mum wanted him to have his things and get the chance to say goodbye properly.

Dan and Adam went down to the car park to see their mum off; meanwhile Ethan and I stayed in the warmth of the flat and watched from the living room window. Adam and Dan both hugged her goodbye. It would be just over a week before they saw her again, which for Dan would be no problem, but Adam wasn’t really used to being away from her for long.

“I kinda miss my mum,” Ethan admitted, bringing my attention back to him and the few tears that were starting to spill.

“Let’s go sit down,” I said softly, putting a hand on his back and guiding him over to the sofas.

I passed him a few tissues and sat next to him, facing into him a little as he wiped his eyes and blew his nose.

“Are you okay? D’you want to talk about her at all?” I asked, wondering if it would help for him to talk or if he really just needed some alone time.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “It’s just been getting to me a bit with their mum here, that I don’t have that in my life anymore… and there’s little things, like she baked bread a lot and I’m so used to the smell of bread everywhere and the little homemade rolls and things…”

Ethan trailed off, rubbing his hands over his eyes to push a few more tears away.

“I don’t know if it would help, but I could make bread if you want,” I offered, not knowing whether that would make him happy or just make him miss his mum more.

“I’m sure you make great bread and all, but it probably won’t be be same,” Ethan said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “It might make me more sad than happy.”

“I get that,” I said, passing him a couple more tissues.

I got up to look out the window and see whether Dan’s mum had left yet. It turned out she was just leaving, her pulling out of the car park and Dan and Adam waving from the side.

“That’s her driving away now,” I told Ethan, “Adam’ll be back up soon.”

“I don’t really want him to see this,” Ethan said, blowing his nose determinedly and dabbing a bit at his eyes, “I’ve cried in front of him enough today.”

“Ethan, you should be able to cry in front of him as much as you need,” I said, realising he was trying to bottle it up, “He’s your soulmate, he’s always gonna be here for you.”

“Mmm,” Ethan mumbled, glancing at a mirror he could probably just catch his reflection in.

“And he’ll have felt it anyway,” I reminded him, “I think you should at least acknowledge how you’re feeling in front of him.”

“I guess. I just don’t want him to make a fuss,” Ethan explained, ”It’s nothing; I just maybe need a hug, that’s all.”

“Just let him know why you were sad but all you want is a hug and no fuss,” I suggested, “He’ll respect that.”

When Adam came in, he immediately gravitated towards Ethan because he knew something was up.

“Ethan,” he said, speaking really softly, “What’s up?”

“Please don’t make a fuss, but I just miss my mum a bit,” Ethan admitted, turning a little bit pink.

“That’s okay…” Ada, nodded, “D’you want to talk about it?”

“I already did to Phil but there’s not much to say,” Ethan explained, “Can I just get a hug?”

“Of course,” Adam said, settling onto the sofa next to Ethan and putting his arms around him, pulling him into his lap to hold him close.

I moved to the kitchen to start getting some things out for dinner, but half listened in, hearing as Adam gradually picked up a conversation, then slowly made it funny to make Ethan feel better. They were doing well, getting to know each other really well now and starting to grow together too.

–

**Dan’s POV:**

Dinner had been eaten, it was now getting towards nine o’clock and the four of us were watching a film in the living room. Phil and I were quite content, cuddled up together on one sofa. Ethan and Adam had been doing similar on the other one, with Ethan pretty much sat in Adam’s lap, but I was starting to sense that there was something more going on.

They were whispering things to each other, so quiet that neither Phil nor I would be able to hear what they were saying, and Adam seemed to be moving his hands around under the blanket that was spread across Ethan’s lap. Ethan was reacting to some of these movements, in a way which told me that Adam’s hands were somewhere very private. They were trying to be subtle about what they were doing, but they were both a little red in the face and I could tell.

“Guys,” I spoke up, moving from a sidelong glance to looking at them properly, “D’you maybe want to go to your room for a bit of privacy?”

Adam immediately turned bright red, “Yeah, was just thinking about doing that.”

The pair of them got up to go, Ethan taking the blanket with him, trying to retain some of his modesty by shielding his crotch from view. Adam, however, was visibly hard, the tent in his jeans very obvious now that he no longer had Ethan sitting in front of him.

Once they were in their room with the door shut behind them, Phil turned to me, “D’you think they’re going to…”

“…do something?” I finished the question Phil had left hanging, “Probably. Can’t say what as I don’t know how comfortable they are with each other yet, but we’ll just leave them be until the morning to give them the privacy they need.”

Phil and I continued to watch the TV for a bit, which just about drowned out any noises they were making. There might have been the odd sound, but they were keeping quiet enough that it equally could’ve been the neighbours.

“You wanting to do anything particularly later?” Phil asked, nuzzling his face into my neck and leaving a couple of kisses there.

“I don’t mind,” I said, warmly, “I’m quite happy just cuddling and stuff; this is nice and cosy, but equally I’m down for doing something in the bedroom if you want.”

“Hmm, I could go some nice relaxed love making,” Phil mused, “But let’s see how we feel later.”

“Yeah, good plan,” I agreed, leaning in to kiss Phil.

–

Our cosy cuddling session came to an abrupt end just after ten o’clock. It took a few seconds for us to register the wailing noise that ripped through the otherwise fairly quiet flat. It was the fire alarm. Phil seemed reasonably calm and collected, getting up and telling me to go and put my shoes on, grab a coat and start heading down the stairs when I was ready.

Phil knocked on Adam and Ethan’s door, “Guys, that’s the fire alarm, I hope you’re not in the middle anything, but you need to make sure you’ve got some clothes on and get out here asap.”

“Yeah, we’re on it,” Adam replied, “We’ll be out in like thirty seconds.”

I put my shoes on, grabbed a coat and as a last minute thought, grabbed my anxiety medicine. The alarm had sparked panic in me, but I was just doing my best to focus on getting myself outside… well and make sure Phil was coming too.

“You take this,” Phil said, handing me the blanket we had been cuddling with on the sofa, “Get yourself outside and I’ll be right down, okay.”

“Okay,” I said, taking the blanket from Phil and making my way to our front door.

As I opened the door to leave the flat, Adam and Ethan burst out of their room in an assortment of mismatched clothes. Adam had on the t-shirt Ethan was wearing earlier, but backwards and Ethan was wearing his pyjama top.

“Right, c’mon everyone,” I said, deciding they were close enough behind me to warrant me waiting and holding the door open.

I knew it could be nothing, like someone had burnt some toast or there was a fault in one of the detectors, but I couldn’t get past the idea that it could be a big building fire, that we could die if we didn’t get out of the place quickly. With that in mind, I didn’t want to leave Phil, even if he was just right behind me.

With everyone together, we let the door swing shut behind us and hurried down the stairs, seeing a few other people from our building further down the stair ahead of us. We all grouped together in the car park, where everyone was trying to figure out what was going on. No one seemed to have any idea what was happening, but a number of the longer standing residents assured us that the fire brigade would be on their way.

Phil and I stood together with our blanket around us and fairly quickly Ethan and Adam started hugging to preserve body heat. I was still feeling a little panicky, but so far I was managing to keep the feeling at bay and not let if affect me.

When the fire brigade arrived, my panic dissipated a little, knowing the situation was now in safe hands. Everyone I loved was safe and the fire brigade were going to stop my home burning down. I felt safe with Phil’s arm around me and the knowledge that everything would be okay.

With things starting to calm down inside my head, I was able to take in more of what was going on around me. Some people were outside in their pyjamas, in their slippers and flip-flops and other clothing you might not normally wear outside. Some people looked like they’d just been woken up by the alarm, but everyone looked tired of being out here in the cold.

My gaze returned to Adam, Ethan and Phil, in particular Ethan. He looked wrecked and his legs were shaking slightly, even though he was tightly latched onto Adam. It seemed that Adam was pretty much holding him up, despite looking tired himself.

A few moments later, Ethan admitted that there was something wrong, “Adam, I feel a bit faint.”

At this, Adam adjusted his grip on Ethan so both of his arms were around his torso, probably so he could catch him if he passed out.

“Right, let’s sit down,” Adam said, giving Ethan the encouragement he needed to sit down on the ground.

Adam sat down with Ethan, letting himself be used as a headrest whilst he enveloped Ethan in a hug, “Sit still and maybe bring your head down onto your lap if everything is spinning?”

Ethan remained still, but didn’t move his head, “I’m just gonna stay here for a bit - don’t want to move yet.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, “I’ll give you some peace, but speak up if you feel any worse.”

“Ethan are you cold?” I said, crouching down a little to get more on his level.

“A bit, yeah,” he nodded into Adam’s shoulder.

“Okay,” I said, glancing at Phil for approval, then taking the blanket off our shoulders and draping it around Ethan’s, “I think you need this the most at the moment. You’re only gonna get colder now you’re sat on the ground.”

I stood up straight again and leaned into Phil to keep warm. I hoped that Ethan would be okay now; he still looked pale and shaky, but Adam was certainly doing his best to keep him cosy, hugging him tightly and rubbing his back. Phil and I weren’t really hugging, but we had made the mutual decision to press up together to preserve body heat. It was amazing, as Phil probably wasn’t much warmer than me, but he just felt so warm and cosy that I didn’t feel like I would ever want to split apart from him.

One fireman came out of the building to let us know what had happened. It turned out there had been a fire in a kitchen on the fourth floor due to an electrical fault in a kitchen appliance, but it had been caught quickly enough that they were able to to put it out and there was nothing to worry about. It would still be a bit longer before we were allowed back inside, however, as they needed to remove the faulty electrical appliance that caused the fire, some damaged appliances from that kitchen and check the smoke levels in other parts of the building. An emergency electrician was on his way to check that the wiring hadn’t been damaged and was still safe to use throughout the building.

The next half hour consisted of the firemen bringing some rather burnt things out of the building, the emergency electrician arriving and heading inside to do his tests and everyone getting even colder than they already were. Ethan had started to shiver quite violently, so Adam had pulled him into his lap, unzipped his own jacket so he could pull the sides of it around Ethan, bringing him closer into his chest.

Once all the burnt appliances were removed and the safety tests carried out, we were called up by flat and allowed back into the building. Ethan and Adam got to their feet as the second flat was called, knowing that we would be soon.

Ethan got up slightly ahead of Adam and as soon as he was on his feet, he looked like he was having a dizzy spell. I knew all about getting up too fast, so I held onto him while he got his bearings and while Adam finished standing up. After a brief few words with one of the firemen, we all made our way inside and up the stairs, everyone looking out for Ethan and making sure he got back to the flat safely.

The stairwell had smelt a bit smoky, but thankfully the smell didn’t reach inside our flat. Once inside, I headed with Ethan and Adam along to their room and I sent Phil to get an extra blanket or two. Ethan removed the pair of jeans he had rather hastily thrown on, with no reservations about me being there, despite the fact he was butt-naked underneath them. Adam laughed and pulled the blanket down a bit to save the rest of his dignity, before encouraging him into bed.

Phil arrived with a couple of extra blankets, then suggested that Ethan might like a hot drink. Ethan rejected the offer, yawning sleepily and saying that he was alright, he’d just like to sleep. He was still shivering a bit, but the warmth of being inside, along with the duvet and three blankets, was gradually warming him up.

Adam left the room with me and Phil, as we headed to the living room, probably to talk about what had happened. The air in the living room was a lot clearer; Adam and Ethan’s room was a bit muggy and smelt like sex, but I wasn’t going to bring that up.

“I think I tired him out a bit and he just needed to sleep,” Adam said, referring to how Ethan had been feeling a bit faint.

“I get that,” I nodded, thinking about how I would’ve felt if it had happened just after I’d been doing something with Phil.

“We… uhh… we tried out fingering and I think it was a lot for him,” Adam explained, turning a bit red, “He hadn’t really had time to recover.”

“Yeah, it can be really intense, and especially being his first time too,” I nodded, fully understanding why Ethan was tired.

“You should get to bed early too,” Phil said to Adam, “I don’t need to know what all you did, but you’re probably more tired than you think… and you want to be there for him in the morning.”

“Mmm, I guess,” Adam nodded, “Well there’s not much else for me to do, so I might as well. That’ll let you guys have some time to yourselves too.”

While it could’ve been taken in the wrong way, I sensed there was nothing behind Adam’s last statement other than some underlying feeling that he was third-wheeling. He didn’t need to know that we might actually get up to something later; I didn’t feel comfortable about him knowing that, at least before it happened. Phil and I wished Adam a goodnight, then he disappeared off along the corridor to get himself ready for bed.

–

Phil and I got ready for bed, and we were both cuddled up under the duvet before we even discussed doing anything more intimate. I think it was still on both of our minds, we were just making sure everything else was dealt with first.

It was Phil who brought it up eventually, “How’re you feeling about doing something?”

“Yeah, I get what you meant earlier. I’m up for it,” I told him, “But like slow and kinda relaxed, yeah?”

“Yup, sounds perfect,” Phil nodded, snuggling a bit closer and slipping his fingers under my pyjama top, “Let’s get the these off.”

I let Phil undress me, making sure that his clothing came off at a similar place. Soon enough, we were both naked together, and I could feel every inch of Phil pressed up against me.

Phil took the lead, as usual, getting things as heated as he could, while still keeping it relaxed. It was less making out and hard fast movements, and more slow passionate kisses with gentle grinding.

I didn’t notice Phil getting the lube until I heard the sound of the bottle opening. It was very dark in our room as we didn’t even have the lamps on, but we knew each other well enough now that doing it in the dark was just a nice sensory experience rather than a challenge.

“You ready?” Phil asked, nudging my legs apart and bringing a lube-coated finger up to my hole.

“Yup,” I nodded, preparing myself for Phil’s finger; we hadn’t exactly done this much recently so I was quite tight.

Phil stretched me slowly and carefully, but still made it feel good by brushing against my prostate every so often. He was careful not to get me too far gone though, we both wanted to save ourselves for when Phil was inside me.

When I was ready, and boy was I ready, Phil squeezed some more lube onto his hand, used it to coat his dick and lined himself up, using his hand to guide his penis through the darkness to my entrance.

As Phil pushed himself in, the sensations were so intense, it was like our first time all over again. As we couldn’t see from the darkness, it seemed all of our other senses were amplified. It took me a little time to get used to the stretch of Phil filling me up, but I let him know when I was ready for him to move. As we’d agreed, Phil moved slowly, but it wasn’t long before we found a good rhythm and the extra time we had allowed us to things to make it that little bit better. Phil’s mouth found mine and we kissed as he slid in and out of me, the passion making it more about love than lust. Okay, it was nice to have a quick fuck with him now and then, but slow loving sex with my soulmate meant so much more.

When I came, with Phil meeting his own release inside of me, it was good, so good. I unleashed a moan without a care in the world and let it tear through me, my body trembling as my dick spilt its load into Phil’s hand and across my stomach. My orgasm lasted longer than Phil’s, the prostate stimulation always making it more intense. He helped me through it though, giving me the friction I needed and continuing to move against my prostate whilst I needed it.

Phil pulled out and I sank back into the bed, exhausted, physically spent. Phil cuddled with me for a couple of minutes while we both caught our breath, then he excused himself to go and get something to clean up. He returned with some wipes, using them to collect up the white stickiness from my stomach.

“There,” Phil said, gently wiping the last few drops that had slittered down my dick, “You’re less sticky now.”

Phil binned the wipes and climbed back into bed, cuddling up next to me and filling me with warmth. Despite Phil’s cleaning efforts, we might still need to wash the sheets in the morning, but we’d assess that situation in daylight. It was worth it anyway. I felt amazing and I knew Phil did too; I could almost feel the smile radiating off of him.

–

In the morning, we caught Adam and Ethan stuffing their sheets into the washing machine, so Phil and I thought we’d contribute ours to the load. With the washing machine whirring away in the background, all four of us sat down for a good breakfast. I was hungry after the events of last night and knew I needed to eat well to give myself energy for the day ahead.

Ethan seemed to be feeling fine this morning, but I kept an eye on what he was eating, knowing that he too could be at risk at not ingesting enough energy to get him through the morning. Although we suffered from different mental health problems, we both had issues with eating sometimes and on a morning such as this, we all had more energy to replace than usual.

With our new found energy, we were ready to tackle the day ahead. There were things to do, preparations for the two of them heading home in just over a week and preparations for Adam’s birthday in a few days time. Everyone was feeling good today, so that made things easier. Last night’s passionate activities had led to everyone being productive and things were starting to look brighter for the weeks ahead.


	30. Intimacy

**Dan’s POV:**

We’d had a quiet few days since the night of the fire alarm and other less mentionable activities and today was Adam’s birthday. Tonight, Phil and I were taking Ethan and him out for a meal to celebrate. There was an unwritten rule between Phil and I, that I chose where we ate, but tonight I was letting Adam have the say.

It turned out that he was fairly easy to please and picked out a chain Italian restaurant. I realised about ten minutes after I agreed to this, that Phil may not actually be happy with the choice. This was where we’d eaten the night his lactose intolerance really hit him in the face. I’d need to consult him.

Phil, being fairly lenient, told me that this was fine, he’d just do what he’d been doing since he was diagnosed and choose his meal carefully.

Neither Adam or Ethan had any fancier clothes with them, so while Phil and I were in button-ups for the special occasion, they remained in t-shirts. They had showered separately and I had supervised Ethan shaving in our bathroom while Adam was in the shower.

We’d had a little discussion then, about heading out for this meal and they wanted to do anything afterwards.

_“Do you and Adam want to do anything after dinner? Go to the cinema? Just have a quiet night in?” I had asked him._

_Ethan was quiet for a few moments before giving me a response._

_“Just come back here,” he’d said, pausing and turning a little pink, “I’ll be honest with you, we’re thinking we might actually… have sex. I’m ready, Adam thinks he’s ready, but we thought we could wait until his birthday as it was so close.”_

_“Awwhh cute,” I’d said, smiling, genuinely happy for them. “How about… I’ll need to ask Phil… but we could bring you guys back here, then the two of us go to the cinema. My first time was nerve-wracking as it was, without having to think about people in the next room.”_

_“That would be good,” Ethan had nodded, hopefully._

_“I’ll go and ask Phil,” I’d told him, “I’m trusting you for two minutes alone.”_

_I left Ethan in our bathroom, knowing that he was in quite a good place today so he wasn’t too likely to do anything silly with his razor. I found Phil in the kitchen, where he was putting away the dishes from making Adam’s birthday cake earlier in the day._

_“I’ve been talking to Ethan,” I explained, “And I’m proposing that we give him and Adam some time alone here later. We can drop them off and then go to the cinema or visit your parents or something?”_

_“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Phil had agreed, “Which would you like to do?”_

_“Well you haven’t seen your parents in a while, so about we go see them,” I had suggested, knowing that they meant a lot to Phil and he was probably missing them._

_Phil was pleased at this, at immediately phoned to check that his parents would be in later. They would be, so he kept the phone call short, with the promise we would be round later to talk in person._

_I returned to the bathroom to find that Ethan had finished shaving and was now drying his face. When he lifted his face out of the towel, I knew he’d been fine alone, as he still looked cheerful, excited for our meal out._

Once we were all ready, we put on our coats and headed down to the car. The restaurant was a little further than Phil’s work, but still not too far away. We got taken to our table immediately when we arrived; booking earlier in the day had given us an advantage. Phil and I sat at one side of the table and Adam and Ethan sat at the other. I didn’t know what was standard practice for two couples having a dinner date of sorts, but it seemed like a comfortable arrangement.

Phil was pleased to find that the menu was marked out with dairy free options, meaning he had no need to ask. He picked out a tomato based pasta dish, Ethan and I both went for lasagne and Adam had what turned out to be a rather huge pizza.

Everyone was enjoying their food, myself included, but it got to a stage where I started to feel bad about eating it because of how good it tasted. To some, that might make no sense, but I knew there would be unhealthy things making it taste good and a small ball of anxiety was starting to grow in my chest as a result.

As I put my cutlery down, marking myself finished, Phil looked over at me in confusion. “But you’re enjoying it?” he questioned, probably puzzled to why I was stopping so soon.

“I know, but I’m starting to feel anxious about eating any more, so I think it’s best for me to stop,” I explained.

“Okay,” Phil nodded understandingly, lightly patting me on the back, “You did a good job anyway. Well done.”

–

**Phil’s POV:**

Dan had left quite a bit of his lasagne, but he’d done well and I understood that he didn’t want to eat any more. It was no surprise to me that when the dessert menu came around, Dan didn’t even open it. He would eat biscuits and the odd little treat at home now, but even I was unsure he’d handle the richness of some of these puddings.

There wasn’t a big selection that I could actually eat; most of them were ice cream based, or contained cream or milk chocolate. My selection was limited to either lemon or orange sorbet, or dark chocolate and raspberry cake. I went for the lemon sorbet, despite part of me wanting the chocolate cake, I knew I wouldn’t have room for it after all that pasta.

Ethan and Adam had an ice cream sundae to share, the big brother of the one I had had the last time I was here. I was a little jealous of it, but I knew I would spend the evening regretting it if I had one myself.

Dan was watching us eat our desserts, his face expressionless, but I could tell there was anxiety and a tad of jealousy hidden behind the mask. I knew from past occasions, that he wished he could eat desserts with no regrets, but he still wasn’t in the right place to manage that. I wasn’t too concerned about the mild anxiety symptoms he was showing, until he got up to go to the bathroom.

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” Dan had told me, wringing his hands together anxiously.

Instead of just saying ‘okay’ like would be normal, I froze, my subconscious telling me to go with him. I thought about it for a couple of seconds and decided that no, I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to show Dan I did trust him and let him go by himself, but I would ask him if he was feeling okay first.

“Are you feeling okay?” I asked softly, giving him a knowing look that would tell him I knew he was feeling a bit anxious.

Nodding, Dan replied, “I just need to get out of here for a couple of minutes and splash some water on my face.”

“Okay,” I said, letting him go, “You go do that, but let me know if you need me.”

Dan still wasn’t back by the time we had finished our desserts, which was starting to get me worried. It must’ve been about ten minutes, maybe even fifteen. I knew he hadn’t been making himself sick, but he could be having an anxiety attack for all I knew. I decided to go and check he was okay.

I found Dan sitting on the counter by the sinks, doing some very focused breathing.

“Dan,” I said, softly, trying not to startle him, “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just needed away from all the food for a couple minutes,” Dan explained, “I was feeling a bit anxious.”

“You’ve been here nearly fifteen minutes,” I informed him, “Nothing wrong with that, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dan nodded, “Honestly.”

“I believe you,” I told him, gently testing the waters of his okayness by gently squeezing his upper arm.

When Dan just leaned into me, I took that as permission to give him a hug. I brought my arms around him, but loosely enough that he’d still have space to breathe.

“We’re done now, so do you want to come back?” I asked him.

“Okay,” Dan nodded, resting his head against my stomach.

I gave Dan a hand up, then took his hand as we headed out the toilets.

“Did you take your medication?” I asked him casually as we made our way back to the table.

“No, it’s in my coat,” Dan said, shaking his head.

“Do you think you should take it?” I asked; although I was pretty sure the answer would be no, I wanted to make sure.

“No I think I’m good,” Dan said, “I would’ve texted you if I needed it.”

“Okay, good,” I nodded, “I’m glad you’re okay. We’ll get the bill and then we’ll head.”

It took me a few minutes to catch the eye of a waiter, despite being one myself, I hadn’t really got any better at this. Dan paid, insisting that he should be the one doing it as it was  _his_  brother’s birthday. We both knew though, that at the end of the day, it wouldn’t make any difference because we shared everything, money included.

When the bill was paid, the four of us, filled with food, headed out to the car. I drove back to the flat, where Dan passed his key over to Adam to let them get in without us.

“We won’t be back before eleven,” I told them, wanting to give them the assurance that we wouldn’t be invading their privacy too soon, “So that gives you nearly three hours to yourselves.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, both of them with a genuine smile on their faces.

Dan and I hovered for a minute in the carpark, to make sure they had got into the building okay, then I drove us to my parents house. My mum greeted us both with big hugs, then took us through to the living room where we said hello to my dad.

My mum quickly disappeared into the kitchen, which didn’t surprise me. She was probably trying to be hospitable; I think the need to make sure that everyone was sufficiently fed and watered was something that ran in the blood.

She arrived back with a tray of four steaming mugs, laying it down on the coffee table. Her hand resting on the milk jug, she looked over at Dan, “Dan, how do you take your coffee again?”

“Uhhh…” Dan hesitated, clearly put off by her presumptuousness, “I can’t have coffee.”

“Oh gosh, sorry, I’d forgotten,” my mum said quickly, clearly horrified at her mistake, “Would you like some tea instead?”

“That’d be good thanks,” Dan said, with a timid smile.

My mum passed out coffees to my dad and I, then headed back to the kitchen, letting Dan know that she’d just be two minutes with his tea. When everyone was settled with their hot drinks, we had a nice conversation. It wasn’t about anything in particular, but it was nice to just chat and catch up with each other. Everyone was very relaxed and even Dan seemed quite at home.

Eventually, my dad kept falling asleep and I was starting to feel tired too. Dan looked on the brink of nodding off, so I knew that was our signal to go. It had passed eleven, so we had given the boys the promised time alone.

I waited for an appropriate gap in the conversation, then interjected with an, “I think we should get going soon.”

It was a few minutes before this took effect, but eventually we managed to get out of our seats and to the front door, with my mum attempting to keep us longer. Before we left, we received even tighter hugs than those we had on arrival, my mum telling us that she missed us and wanted to see both of us more often. I’d be lying if I said that hadn’t brought a few tears to my eyes, and I knew as we headed back to the car that I needed to make more effort to keep in touch with my family.

I let Dan drive us home, taking a few minutes to dry my eyes and put a reminder in my phone to organise to meet up with my parents more often. I used to meet up with them for coffee quite often, but I had fallen out of the habit recently.

When we got back to our flat, we paid careful attention to being quiet, in case Adam and Ethan were asleep already. The door to their room was shut and we couldn’t hear anything, so they probably were.

Dan and I got ready for bed, but didn’t go to sleep immediately, making the most of a little alone time first. We didn’t do anything especially sexual, unless you counted removing our pyjamas to cuddle that little bit closer. I wasn’t generally the biggest fan of sleeping naked, but I knew Dan often craved that physical contact and I was feeling quite open to it tonight.

With Dan snuggled right up against me, I felt content, starting to understand slightly why he loved this so much. This nakedness was intimate, but not inherently sexual. I was used to only being this close to him in the heat of the moment, but I felt like this brought us that little bit closer. I knew Dan was putting a lot of trust in me to be with me like this, given his body confidence issues, so it meant a lot.

“You’re so beautiful,” I mumbled to him, wanting to let him know I felt that way, even if his insecurities aren’t making themselves known at the moment.

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled, “And you are too. Thank you so much for doing this… Being this close makes me so…”

Dan trailed off, sounding a bit choked up.

“Emotional?” I finished for him, bringing my arms a bit tighter around him for a bit of support.

“I was gonna say happy, but yeah,” he mumbled.

Used to Dan’s occasional sporadic tears, I held him close until he regained control of his emotions. We relaxed after that, making the mutual agreement that now we would go to sleep. For once, I didn’t let the exposure bother me. With Dan by my side and a duvet as protection, I could do anything.

–

**Dan’s POV:**

In the morning, it took Phil a minute or two to decide whether to put on pyjamas or clothes. In the end, he followed my lead and went for something in between. We weren’t planning much today so it wouldn’t matter. The two us headed to the kitchen to have breakfast; we made no effort to be quiet, but we didn’t go to wake Adam and Ethan up, knowing they might need some privacy.

We’d finished eating, but remained at the table chatting and finishing our drinks, when Adam walked in. He was in his boxers, which made both of us do a double take, as he normally wore pyjamas. He definitely looked like he’d had sex last night, and was in need of a shower.

“Uhh… Dan, could I speak to you for a minute?” he asked, looking a little unsure of himself, “In private.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, getting to my feet, “Let’s go to the office.”

I guided Adam into the office, in front of me and shut the door behind us. Adam took a seat on the desk chair and took a moment to collect himself before speaking to me. I knew what was coming, but I wanted him to be able to talk about it in the way he wanted to.

“Dan… we… Ethan and I did it last night…” he said, stumbling over his words slightly and turning a bit pink.

“I guessed… You look a bit dishevelled,” I chuckled, “How was it?”

“Good, really good, it’s just he’s a bit sore and I wanted to ask what’s the best thing to do, like paracetamol or something?” Adam asked, sounding quite relieved to have got this off his chest.

“That’ll help, yeah,” I nodded, “Also, a little massage could help. You don’t need to be an expert; just get him to tell you what feels good. A bath is always a good shout; eases any pain and gets you both relaxed and cleaned up.”

“Umm, but it’s just a shower in the bathroom?” Adam said, looking a tad confused.

“Oh gosh, so it is…” I said, realising that the bath was in mine and Phil’s ensuite. “Ahh… give me five minutes and I’ll go and get Phil and I’s bath sorted out.”

Adam started to reply, “You don’t need to…”

“Special treat, as it’s both of your first times,” I cut him off, “I’ll run the water in for you, but I won’t put any bubbles in, you should check those with Ethan first.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, a grateful smile growing on his face.

“If he’s still feeling a bit sore after the bath, we’ll give him some ibuprofen with his breakfast,” I suggested, “Make sure you communicate about that and one of you let me know.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded.

“Right, I’ll go and get Phil and we’ll make sure the bathroom is tidy,” I told him, “Go get your towels and clothes and whatever you need.”

Adam and I parted ways; I returned to the kitchen to let Phil know what was happening, “You want to help me tidy our bathroom? Ethan’s a bit sore so I’ve offered them use of the bath.”

“Yeah sure,” Phil said, getting to his feet, “They did it then?”

“Yup,” I nodded, as we walked along to our room, “It was kinda obvious from how Adam looked, but he wanted to let me know and well… ask about aftercare.”

Phil gave the bath a little clean, making sure the it was free from any hairs or dirt. I put away medicines and toiletries that had gotten spread across the bathroom. I knew we wouldn’t need to worry about Ethan doing anything with Adam around, but I wanted the place to be tidy for them.

When the two minute tidy and clean was done, I started some water running into the bath and sent Phil to let them know it was ready. Adam and Ethan arrived a minute later, Ethan walking a little finny and Adam carrying their towels and clothes.

“There’s nothing in there at the moment,” I said, gesturing to the bath, “I don’t want Ethan having an allergic reaction again, but you can have a look through our bath bombs and bubble baths and see if there’s anything suitable.”

I opened up the drawer of bubble bath and bath bombs and invited them to take a look through it, “I’ll leave you to it now. Hopefully this should help.”

Phil and I left them in peace, retreating to the living room to give them space.

“They looked happy,” Phil commented, “Maybe a little tired, but happy.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “I think that’ll be good for them, to finally have that level of intimacy. You know that was a big step in our relationship. I know we’ve had different issues to get around than they have, but it brought us so much closer and I think that’s what they need right now.”

“And I’m glad we gave them the time alone last night,” Phil added, “Like they’re going to be navigating around your parents soon, so I’m glad they got this chance otherwise it might have been a lot more difficult for them.”

“I’m going to speak to my parents when we take them down,” I told Phil, “Not too much detail, but just to let them know that Adam and Ethan are sexually active. I think it’s better that they’re aware, so they make sure to knock before they enter and all that.”

“Mmm,” Phil nodded, agreeing, “I hope they don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“I’ll make sure they don’t,” I said firmly, “I’ll make that explicitly clear to them, that I don’t want them being unnecessarily nosy or prying into what’s private. They wouldn’t like Adam or I trying to find out details about their sex life, so hopefully they’ll understand.”

–

Eventually, Adam and Ethan emerged from our bathroom, looking all cosy and pink in the face, dressed in comfortable clothes. Phil encouraged them to help themselves to breakfast and after a nod from Adam, I looked Ethan out some ibuprofen.

When they were finished and had their dishes put away, Adam came over to the sofas with a question for me and Phil, “So, umm, could one of you maybe show me how the washing machine works?”

“Yeah, of course,” Phil said, getting up, “Go and get what all you want to wash and meet me there.”

I watched as Adam and Ethan disappeared to their room, then a minute or two later, reappeared with their arms bundled with sheets. They joined Phil in the kitchen, over by the washing machine. I couldn’t see what was going on from where I was sitting, but I listened to Phil’s little washing machine tutorial.

“So we’ll turn the knob to this mixed load option. That’s always a reasonable choice. We’re gonna press this to turn the spin speed down a little, otherwise it shakes to much and probably annoys the downstairs neighbours… and we usually do aqua plus to make sure everything is rinsed properly… so Ethan, that’s probably a good idea for you with your skin being sensitive to some soaps.”

I heard the washing machine rumble to a start, then a couple of moments later, the three of them emerged from the kitchen. Phil had one thing to say on the topic of washing, “Now, I’m hoping you’ll remember how to do all of that. If you feel your sheets need washed, you can just wash them… and Adam, hopefully your mum’s washing machine is similar, because you guys might be wanting to wash them yourself, rather than letting your mum discover… uhh certain substances.”

I laughed at Phil’s awkwardness to lighten the mood, “Yeah and I’m sure mum’ll appreciate you taking that job off her hands.”

Phil looked out some clean sheets for them to put on the bed, as the ones in the wash might not be dry in time. Making up the bed became another task that Adam and Ethan took on together, but then they never really left each other's’ sides. The morning turned to afternoon and the day continued to pass fairly uneventfully. Ethan and Adam had taken up playing video games on our various consoles, Phil was working on his application for cooking school and I to and fro-ed between Phil and doing some tidying and cleaning.

It was later in the afternoon, when Ethan came to me for a bit of advice. Adam had gone to the bathroom and Ethan took this an opportunity to come and see me for more painkillers. He came into the office, where I was sitting with Phil. Ethan wasn’t bothered by Phil’s presence and openly let me know that he was feeling a bit sore again.

“What kind of pain?” I asked softly, “Stinging? Or sore muscles down there?”

“Sore muscles,” Ethan nodded.

“Yeah, they won’t be used to that action, but they’ll get used to it in time,” I nodded, understanding what he was feeling. “Wait here and I’ll go and get you some more ibuprofen.”

I went to the kitchen and returned with ibuprofen, a snack and some water. I knew he wouldn’t have an empty stomach, but I would still rather he took them with something to eat. Ethan ate the snack, then swallowed the pills like a pro. Prescription medication got you used to pill swallowing eventually. At first, when I started antidepressants for anxiety, I struggled a lot with swallowing the pills. It didn’t help that my gag reflex was so sensitive. However, the only time that inability to swallow pills bothered me now was when I was mid-anxiety attack.

“Maybe go and lay down on your front for a bit” I suggested to Ethan, lightly patting his back, “And let one of us know if you need anything else?”

“Okay, I’ll go do that,” Ethan nodded, “Uhh… though could you maybe come with me until Adam’s out the bathroom?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, getting up and following him through to his room.

I didn’t comment on Ethan’s request, but he clearly wasn’t comfortable being alone with himself at the moment. He wasn’t particularly showing any major signs of his depression at the moment, but with it being a mental illness, it didn’t show all that much. There were little telltale signs he was feeling down, like his slight trembling when he moved and the lack of a smile in his eyes.

He laid down on the bed and let out a sigh. I took this acknowledgement of his as a sign I could ask him how he was doing.

“Something wrong?” I asked softly, not wanting to put him on edge.

“Not really, just feeling a bit low,” he told me, “It’s hard to explain, I just don’t feel happy right now and I’m kinda tired. I know I should be happy because Adam and I had such a good time last night, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about that… but I’m just not happy in general… and it’s not that I’m incredibly unhappy, I’m just not happy enough to count as happy.”

“I think I kinda get where you’re coming from,” I nodded, trying to be understanding. I got a bit of what he was saying, but couldn’t fully understand, “Lie down and get some rest and even if you still feel tired afterwards, you’ll at least have the comfort of knowing it was good for you.”

“Mmm,” Ethan nodded, sitting down on the bed, then laying down and rolling over onto his front.

Adam came back a minute or two later and I briefly explained to him what was happening, “He was feeling a bit sore again so I’ve given him some more ibuprofen and I’ve suggested he lays down on his front for a bit. D’you maybe want to stay with him?”

“Yeah of course,” Adam nodded, getting up onto the bed and sitting next to Adam, resting a hand on his back.

“Yeah, I uhh… I’d kinda like some company,” Ethan told him, “I’m feeling a bit low at the moment.”

“I get you,” Adam nodded, “It’s not awful, but I’m feeling it too.”

“I’ll leave you guys alone, but Phil and I are just next door if you need anything,” I told them, wanting to assure them that there was support if each other wasn’t enough.

–

When I went to get the two of them for dinner, I found that Ethan was fast asleep and Adam was lying next to him, looking deep in thought.

“Dinner’s ready,” I told Adam quietly, “What are you thinking about?”

“School,” Adam responded quietly.

“Are you worried about what you’re missing?” I asked, knowing that could be something that was bothering him.

“Yeah, like I’ve missed quite a bit this year. I keep thinking I’ve caught up and then I find there’s things I don’t know and I’m missing more at the moment…” Adam explained, trailing off when he ran out of thoughts to explain.

“I think mum said she’d asked the school to keep track of it at the moment?” I said, wanting to confirm this with him.

“Yeah, she has, so that’ll help a lot, but it’s still going to be a lot for me to catch up on,” Adam explained.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “It’s probably not much consolation, but I believe in you. You’re generally good at getting over these sorts of hurdles.”

“Thanks,” Adam mumbled, sounding unconvinced.

“And I don’t know how much help he’ll be, but Ethan did AS Maths and English last year,” I reminded him, “He might be able to help you with some of it, especially as he’s not going to have any school work to worry about until September.”

“That’s a good point,” Adam nodded, looking slightly more cheerful, “I’ll ask him about that.”

“D’you want to wake him up and then come through for dinner?” I said, getting back to why I had come to speak to him in the first place.

“Okay, we’ll be through in a minute or two,” Adam said, turning to gently shake Ethan to start waking him up.

I left them to it and returned to the kitchen, where Phil was finishing plating up the food. I would’ve helped him to carry them through, but he required no such help with his waiter’s ability to carry four plates at once. Instead I started making ribena, knowing that everyone would be happy enough to have that to drink.

Phil and I sat down and were about to get started eating when Adam and Ethan emerged from their room and walked down the hallway towards us. Ethan looked very tired, but to be honest I expected that.

Ethan looked quite glum as he joined us at the table and I could see that Adam was being overtly loving towards him. After a moment or two, Adam gave us the explanation I was looking for.

“His depression kinda hit him in his sleep,” Adam explained, along with a slow nod from Ethan.

“Ahh,” I nodded, then directing a question at Ethan, “You feeling up to eating?”

“Kind of?” Ethan, said, sounding a little unsure, “I’ll certainly have some of it.”

“Okay,” I nodded, finishing that conversation there as I sensed he wasn’t really up for speaking or being spoken to.

–

Ethan and Adam had an early night, or rather they spent most of the evening cuddling in bed, because Ethan wasn’t feeling up to doing anything else. I discovered their cuddling when I went to ask Ethan a question from my mum. Some form she was filling in for him required his mother’s maiden name and that didn’t happen to be a piece of information that I knew about him. I found that they were both shirtless and under the duvet; in fact, they could’ve been completely naked but I didn’t need to know the answer to that. Ethan was wrapped in a rather loving embrace from Adam and he looked quite peaceful. He still looked tired and a bit down, but I think relaxing was taking the edge off it.

After finding out the answer to the question, I engaged in a little small talk, “Ethan, are you feeling a bit better now?”

“Mentally or physically?” he asked in response.

“How about both?” I prompted, really just wanting to know how he was feeling in general.

“Physically, yes. I’ve been relaxing and I think the muscle pain has gone now. Mentally, a little bit. Its helping me to have Adam here, to be this close to him, I feel less alone,” Ethan explained, shivering a little and snuggling a little deeper into Adam’s chest.

“Disadvantage of being shirtless is it can be a bit chilly,” Adam commented, rubbing his hand up and down Ethan’s chest.

Realising it was probably a bit far away for either of them to reach without ruining their cuddling, I grabbed the blanket at the end of the bed and passed it over to Adam, “I’ll leave you guys to it.”

“Dan, it’s not as if we’re gonna be doing anything?” Adam said, groaning.

“Yeah, but if I was sixteen and naked cuddling, I would be,” I said, laughing at Adam’s reaction.

“Dan, we’re not naked,” Adam said, pulling duvet aside for a moment to reveal they did have pyjamas on further down, “We’re keeping these on tonight. Ethan needs to rest.”

“I know, I know,” I laughed, “I’m just fulfilling my role as your brother and being a bit of a tease. Anyway, I will leave to it now, leave you to cuddle in peace. I’d better go and text Mum back before I forget.”

–

Later in the evening, when Phil and I eventually headed to bed, I approached him while he was getting changed and asked him if he was willing to sleep naked again.

“Umm not today,”Phil responded, a bit hesitantly, “Like I kinda liked it, but I’m not sure I’m in the mood tonight. How about a bath instead?”

I agreed to that, because that got me similarly close to Phil, gave me some of the skin contact I was craving, without him feeling uncomfortable. I knew Phil liked bathing together as much as I did, so that was a plus. Phil ran the bath and popped the bathbomb in, and when it was ready, we got in. As usual we had quite a relaxing time and I knew that even though I didn’t struggle too much with sleeping, this would let me sleep easier.

We put on pyjamas when we got out, or rather Phil put on pyjamas and I just put on the bottom half. Tonight I just felt like being close to Phil and I knew that extra couple of millimeters wouldn’t really make a difference, but it would in my heart.

As we cuddled in bed, Phil’s hands started to roam around my chest, but in a soft, caressing way, rather than anything sexual. I relaxed further into his touch and it briefly crossed my mind how just six months ago, having anyone near my bare stomach would have filled me with anxiety.

“I’m so much more comfortable with my stomach now and I’m happy about that,” I commented to Phil.

“I’m so proud of you, Dan,” Phil mumbled back, then took a breath and decided to continue, “I remember when we met it was such a big step for you to let me anywhere near your stomach. You’ve come so far since then. You’re so much healthier, so much stronger. Okay, you still suffer from anxiety, but you’re even doing better with that now. I can tell you’re much more comfortable with your body, and not just around me - you hold yourself with so much more confidence now. I’ve cared for you since even before I met you, but I remember that first night we got fully intimate and how many confessions of love we shared. Dan, I know it’s only a formality and this is really spur of the moment but I love you so much, will you marry me?”

I was rendered almost speechless by how quickly Phil’s little exclamation of pride had turned into a life changing speech. I managed to choke out a ‘yes’, before burying my face in the crook of Phil’s neck and starting to cry with how overwhelmed I was. Phil brought his arms and legs firmly around me and held me until I managed to regain a little control. He began to kiss me, despite the tears still rolling down my cheeks. We both knew they were happy tears, and in that moment all we wanted to do was seal the deal with a kiss.

When we eventually broke apart, both our lips a little sensitive from the kissing, we settled into a more relaxed embrace. I focused myself on my breathing, both a little overwhelmed with excitement and a little out of breath. Phil must’ve realised what I was doing, as he slowly rubbed his hand up and down my back, in time with my breaths.

After a while, I finally trusted myself to speak, “I guess we have some planning to do now.”

“Yup,” Phil laughed, “But let’s not worry about that just yet. How about we enjoy being engaged for a little while first?”

–

When Phil and I had climbed into bed after a long, relaxing bath, I would never have expected the night to go this way, but soon it became one full of passion as we embarked upon a journey of love-making.

It wasn’t lustful in the slightest; it wasn’t focused on reaching a high as fast as possible. Instead, Phil and I went from slow grinding into gradual stretching, then I took Phil slowly as I adjusted to his size. It had been a while, but I think that only added to the meaning. It was relaxed but filled with such intense sensation that I was left shaking in Phil’s arms as he grabbed some wipes from his bedside drawer to clean us up.

“Sweet dreams, fiancé,” Phil said to me as we finally settled down and succumbed to sleep.

–

The next day, Phil and I went ring shopping. Neither of us were bothered that we hadn’t done it in the traditional way of Phil proposing with a ring. While in a lot of heterosexual couples, the man might go without an engagement ring, we both agreed that we’d like to have matching rings. After a lot of discussion and comparing different rings, we eventually settled on a plain one, a simple white gold band without any jewels. We would get them engraved on the inside as a little personal detail, but we didn’t need anything flashy. Although they were expensive, they weren’t extortionate and Phil and I were able to afford them out of our savings.

It took a couple of days to get the rings engraved, so waited until we had them to let our parents know. Phil and I exchanged our rings, then got Ethan to act as our photographer and take few photos. We’d been hesitant to stage a kiss right in front of him at first, but Ethan got quite into the role of photographer and eventually suggested this. We were quite glad he did in the end, because the photo we selected was one of our clasped hands with the rings in the foreground, with a shallow depth of field leaving Dan and I kissing slightly blurred in the background. We both sent this to our parents, captionless. They would get the message.


	31. The Feline

**Dan’s POV:**

The day came when we were getting Ethan and Adam packed up and ready to head home. Well it was home for Adam and hopefully it would become home for Ethan too. With Phil and I driving them down tomorrow, it was a bit last minute, but Ethan had finally organised with his mum that he could go back to his parents house and pick up his stuff. The complication was, that Ethan’s dad no longer wanted anything to do to him. His mum was a bit more flexible; she personally wasn’t too bothered about the gender of Ethan’s soulmate but she had to agree with her husband’s views. From the sound of things, it had taken her a lot of time to persuade him to allow Ethan over to pack up his belongings. In the end, he had agreed the condition that Ethan came and went while he was out at work.

Adam, Phil and I would all be going with him to help out. It wouldn’t be easy for him to pack up a lifetime’s worth of belongings in one day. He was going to have to be selective, as Phil’s car wasn’t all that big. He could leave things there, but there was no guarantee what would happen to them.

Ethan knocked on the front door and the rest of us stood slightly behind him as we waited for an answer. Eventually it opened, to reveal a woman who must be his mum.

“Hi Ethan,” she said, the interaction sounding a little forced.

“Hi mum,” Ethan said, clearly not sure how to speak to her after this long.

After a moment or two of silence, Ethan’s mum spoke up again, “So are you going to introduce these three to me?”

“Okay, this is Adam, my soulmate,” Ethan said, putting an arm around him and a small smile growing on his face, “This is Dan, Adam’s brother… and this is Phil, Dan’s soulmate.”

“And guys, this is my mum, Karen,” Ethan added for Adam, Phil’s and my benefit.

“Nice to meet you,” Karen said to all of us, “Come inside.”

The four of us stepped inside and let her shut the door over behind us.

“I’ve looked out a few boxes and bags for you,” Ethan’s mum said to him, “I think you should take everything you can, because your dad will probably get rid of it if you don’t.”

“Yeah, like he got rid of me,” Ethan mumbled under his breath.

Ignoring Ethan’s comment, his mum started up the stairs, “All of you follow me. I haven’t really done much as I know Ethan will want to tackle this in his own way.”

Ethan and his mum took the lead up to his room, Adam then Phil and I following behind. I was the last to enter the room and the sight I took in before me wasn’t exactly a tidy one. Ethan’s room was probably exactly how you’d imagine the room of a teenager with depression who left for dinner and didn’t come back. His belongings were scattered all over the place, there was a textbook open on his desk and his bed was still unmade.

“I washed the clothes you left on the floor, but I felt doing any more tidying was a bit invasive,” Karen explained, “I’ll leave you guys to it, but let me know if you want any help folding clothes or anything.”

“Okay, thanks,” Ethan said, looking like he just wanted his mum to be gone already.

As soon as she was out of the door and had shut it behind her, Ethan took off his shoes and climbed onto his bed, nuzzling his face into the pillow.

“Do you need a minute?” Adam asked softly, gently patting Ethan on the pack.

“Nah, I’m fine. I just missed my bed,” he explained, then paused, looking a little sad.

“If we’ve got space in the car, we can take your duvet and pillows with us too,” Adam commented, “Would that help?”

“That would be good,” Ethan nodded, “I know I’ve spent so many sad moments under it, but there’s something about this duvet that just feels like home.”

“How about we get started?” Adam suggested. “How about you start by going through your clothes? Bring out everything you want to take and if there’s anything you don’t care about, leave it in the wardrobe or drawers at the moment.”

Ethan quickly busied himself with pulling clothes out of his wardrobe and passing them to Adam, who put them on the bed. I offered to fold them up and then gave Phil the nod to help too. We had an effective little production line going and before long, we’d folded and stacked t-shirts, shirts, trousers and jumpers. Ethan moved onto his underwear drawer and Phil and I finished off the last little bit of folding.

We picked out the bag that looked best for size and got the clothes loaded in. Adam was then able to stuff all of Ethan’s socks and underwear in to fill up all the gaps.

By the end of the process there were only a handful of things left in Ethan’s wardrobe and drawers, like a hoodie he hadn’t worn in years, some holey socks and a long-sleeved t-shirt that he’d realised was slightly bloodstained.

Ethan moved on to gathering stuff from his desk: laptop, art supplies, sketchbooks, chargers and headphones, an assorted bundle of cables… Once Ethan had put these on the bed, Adam organised them into groups and Phil and I started packing them into boxes.

As we worked, I noticed that Phil kept having to pause to sneeze. Ethan had disturbed a lot of dust by pulling up cables from his desk, so I was guessing that was to blame. I opened Ethan’s window, with the hope of clearing the air a little.

As Ethan moved a large teddy bear to his ‘to take’ pile, he paused to cry into it for a minute. Adam gave him a little space at first, but then moved to place a hand on his back.

“What’s their name?” Adam asked softly.

“Teddy,” Ethan sniffled, “I’ve had him since I was little.”

“Does Teddy want to come with us?” Adam asked, bringing his arm around the slightly tearful Ethan.

“Yeah, if that’s okay?” Ethan replied, sounding a little unsure if it would be.

“Of course it’s okay,” Adam nodded, “You can bring whatever you want… well maybe apart from furniture which won’t fit the car… but other than that anything.”

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled, “Sorry, I just feel a bit immature still wanting to have a teddy when I’m seventeen.”

“When things are that old, they have sentimental value, so I get why you want to keep him,” Adam said, understandingly, “Also it’s okay if it’s still a comfort thing for you, like I want you to feel at home.”

When Teddy had been put to the side, Adam gently wiped the tears from Ethan’s cheeks and they got back to work. Ethan decided to take a couple of minutes out of his room and headed to the bathroom with a box for his toiletries.

“I don’t think this is easy for him,” Adam said to us, before following after Ethan.

“Yeah, it’s not going to be. I can see you’re doing your best to be supportive, but if there’s anything else we can do, let us know,” I said, wanting to do what I could to help.

“You’re helping a lot already, but okay,” Adam said, joining Ethan in the bathroom.

A couple of minutes later, they returned with a box containing shampoo, shower gel, hair product, deodorant and a number of other tubes and pots I didn’t quite recognise. Ethan opened up his bedside drawer and added a couple more things; one of these I recognised to be a bottle of lube.

The next thing Ethan brought out the drawer had a metallic rattle to it. I didn’t figure out what it was until he shakily passed it to Phil, who was standing nearest to him. It was a box of blades and sharp things, some of which looked a bit bloodstained.

“Ethan, I’m going to go and put these in the bin outside,” I said, taking the box from Phil.

Ethan nodded, at the same time being wrapped in a hug from Adam, who had realised what was going on. I left the room to take the sharp things to the safety of the bin, leaving Phil to zip up the bag of clothes and see what else he could do.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

After Dan had left to go to the bin, I was overtaken by a couple of sneezes which left my nose feeling a bit sniffly. I excused myself and made my way to the bathroom to blow my nose. After I blew my nose, I realised my face was feeling a little funny; it was probably my sinuses and the beginning of a cold. It wasn’t the best timing with going down to Dan’s parents house tomorrow, but I’d make sure to take some medicine when we got home later.

On my way back to Ethan’s room, I bumped into Dan in the hallway, on his way back from the bin. We both returned to find Ethan sitting on his bed with a blanket around his shoulders. He was shaking a little bit and Adam was sat in front of him, gently holding him. It was clear that something had happened while we were gone, but I wasn’t sure what.

“He found his suicide note,” Adam mumbled, in explanation, turning to us very briefly.

“Okay,” Dan nodded, both of us taking in the piece of paper that Ethan was clutching, “Shall we…”

I unintentionally interrupted Dan by sneezing yet again. I’d tried to hold it back until he had finished speaking, but I was steadily feeling worse.

“Phil, are you getting sick?” Dan asked me, changing the subject, “I don’t know how many times you’ve sneezed today.”

“Neither…” I mumbled, a little miserably, breathing a little heavily as I felt my chest go tight with sadness over getting ill, “And I guess so; it feels like it.”

“Okay, try your best not to sneeze on everyone else and we’ll get you some medicine later when we’re home,” Dan said, softly.

“Shall Phil and I give you some peace?” Dan asked, turning to Adam and Ethan and finishing his earlier question.

“I think that would be good,” Adam agreed.

“Okay,” Dan nodded, “Before we go, do you need anything?”

Before either of them could reply, the door slowly creaked open and a ball of orange fur walked into the room. I had no immediate reaction to the arrival of the cat, but Dan started to freak out on my behalf.

–

**Dan’s POV:**

When the cat walked into the room, only moments after Phil’s sneezing, I immediately remembered that he’d told me he was allergic to them.

“Phil, go sit outside,” I said, rather demandingly, knowing that I needed to get Phil out of this house and then assess how bad the situation was.

“What?” Phil said, sounding confused.

“Cat,” I said firmly, “How allergic are you?”

“Quite,” Phil said, sniffing and rubbing his eyes, then freezing, “Wait. Are my eyes swelling up?”

“Let me see,” I said, reaching my hands up and holding Phil’s face still while I looked, “Yeah, they are.”

I felt two pairs of eyes on us and looked over to see Adam and Ethan watching our exchange. It seemed to have distracted Ethan from what he was holding, but as good as a distraction as this was, I needed to get Phil out of here, especially now the feline was in the room.

“Ethan, I’d forgotten you had a cat,” I explained, “I’m going to take Phil outside and hope this clears up.”

“Shit sorry; I didn’t realise Phil was allergic otherwise I would’ve said,” Ethan apologised, as the cat jumped into his lap, “Ahh I think Mabel misses me.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t really come up often and I didn’t think…” I said, trailing off as I pulled Phil out of the room with me.

We headed for the front door and once outside, I sat down with Phil on one of the steps. I hadn’t had time to grab tissues or anything, with my main goal to get Phil out of the cat air as quickly as possible.

“What do you need?” I asked, not having dealt with his allergy before.

“Can you ask…” Phil started, pausing and wheezing slightly, “…ask Ethan’s mum if she has some Piriton or another allergy medicine? Either that or take me home to get it?”

“I’ll go and ask,” I told Phil, knowing that would be the quicker solution, “I’ll be back as fast as I can.”

I found Karen in the kitchen; she was sat at the table, reading something.

“Hi Karen,” I said, as she looked up, “Do you have Piriton or some kind of allergy medicine? Phil’s allergic to cats and we didn’t realise you had one.”

“Yes, hold on,” she said, getting up and rifling through a cupboard, “There’s definitely some in here, because Ethan’s taken it for his skin allergies before.”

After a few moments, she passed me a box of tablets, “There you go. I hope he’s okay.”

Karen was about to return to her reading, when I realised I’d need a glass of water too, “Can I get a glass of water too? Sorry about this.”

“Oh yeah,” she said, spinning around, opening a cupboard and passing me a glass, “And it’s fine.”

She pointed me in the direction of the sink, where I filled the glass with water, before returning to Phil. By the time I got back to him, his eyes were looking worse, so I popped out the tablet for him and made sure he had a good grip on the glass. He seemed to struggle more with swallowing it than usual, but then, he was having an allergic reaction.

I stayed with Phil as we waited for the medicine to start working. I was concerned for him, with the slight wheezing in his breathing. I was on the verge of deciding to take him the hospital and if things didn’t improve soon, I would.

Thankfully, the antihistamines started to work, but I had been getting anxious with Phil’s breathing being a bit off. His breathing gradually became less laboured and although they were still puffy and red, his eyes loosened up a little. When we agreed he was feeling a bit better, I got him to move and sit in the car instead. He’d been getting cold, well we both had, but in this moment, I felt it was more important that Phil was warm enough. I gave him my hoodie too, before I left him in the car and headed back inside to help out. Phil probably shouldn’t go back in there, but with my help, it would hopefully be done a bit quicker.

I worked on bringing the packed bags and boxes out to the car, so that Phil wouldn’t get too lonely. I took a precaution and hoovered the outside of the bags and boxes, not wanting to get any stray cat hairs in the car. It was still a while before Ethan was done, but finally I was loading his duvet and pillow into the car. His mum had looked out a clean duvet cover and pillowcases for them, after me expressing my worries about the cat hair.

I let Adam and Ethan know that I’d be in the car with Phil, so just to join us when they were ready to go. I got into the driver’s seat; I would be driving us home as Phil was drowsy from the medication and his eyes were still a bit puffy

Adam joined us first, explaining that Ethan was saying goodbye to his mum. I think we all understood that he’d need some time for that. Ethan arrived, teary-eyed, five minutes later. He piled into the backseat, next to Adam. As we drove away, Ethan started to cry a little, as it hit him that he might not be back there ever again. I could hear that Adam was attempting to comfort him, but it couldn’t be easy.

–

The afternoon consisted of Phil sitting in bed, wearing a comfy hoodie, with a big box of tissues by his side. Meanwhile Adam and Ethan were packing up their stuff in their room. I made sure to keep Phil supplied with snacks and drinks of water, keeping him company most of the time. Although he wasn’t technically ill, he was suitably miserable. Although his allergic reaction had passed, he was still suffering mildly from some of the symptoms, so we’d keep on top of the medication until he seemed clear from those too.

His eyes were still quite red and at one point I caught him rubbing them irritably. He looked uncomfortable, as if there was an itch which he couldn’t quite scratch. I left him for a few moments and headed into our ensuite to soak his facecloth in cold water. I grabbed a towel too, to deal with any drips, then brought the wet cloth to Phil. I got him to lean back and shut his eyes, then I slowly applied the cold, wet cloth over his eyelids. He hissed at the initial contact and remained tense for a minute or two, but I could tell the cold was starting to soothe when he relaxed a little under my touch and let out a sigh.

I sat with him for a while, periodically returning to the bathroom to make the cloth cold again. I could see it was making his eyes feel a lot better and I kept this up until it was nearing dinner time. Wanting to be on the safe side, I gave Phil another dose of medicine when it had been long enough since his first. For dinner, I heated up leftovers from yesterday. While Adam and Ethan scarfed them down, Phil didn’t seem to have much of an appetite; it looked like exhaustion was getting the better of him. I made sure that everyone got to bed early; we had a long drive ahead of us tomorrow and I wanted to make sure everyone was up and organised. I had a feeling that I would probably be driving, unless a goodnight’s sleep significantly improved how Phil was feeling.

I had Phil in bed just after ten; I’d expected with his tiredness that he would’ve fallen asleep almost immediately, but we’d been lying down for about twenty minutes and although yawning profusely, he was still awake.

“Come cuddle?” I suggested, wondering if Phil just needed a little help to relax.

He rolled towards me, let out an uncomfortable sounding groan, then nuzzled his face into my neck.

“You okay?” I mumbled, the groan not quite being like him.

“My chest aches,” Phil complained, “I’ll be fine, but it’s just not comfortable.”

With Phil’s face being so close to my ear, I noticed the slight wheeziness in his breathing as he spoke. I gently brought my hand up to his chest and held it there for a minute, feeling his breathing.

“Is there anything I can do to help? Open the window? Turn the heating down? Get another blanket? A hot drink?” I asked softly, wanting to do what I could for him.

“Uhmm,” Phil thought aloud, “I don’t know if I even still have it, but there might be some peppermint oil in the bathroom. Could you take a look?”

“Sure,” I said, pulling away from him and getting up.

It took me five minutes of rummaging and pulling everything out of the cupboard, but eventually, I found the small bottle Phil was thinking of, right at the back. I returned to our room with it, interrupting Phil in the midst of a miserable sounding cough.

“I’ve got it,” I said, going to his side of the bed and crouching down next to him, “What d’you need me to do with it?”

Slowly sitting up, Phil took the bottle from me, “It has a dropper and I just put a few drops on my pillow, I think? I haven’t used it much; Louise gave it to me a year or two ago when I had a really bad cough and it helped a bit.”

“Okay,” I said, watching as Phil opened up the bottle and did as he said, putting a few tentative drops of the oil onto his pillow. It might be annoying to clean, but we could deal with that if it helped Phil to get to sleep.

When Phil was finished, he screwed the lid back onto the bottle and passed it to me, tiredly lying back down. I laid the bottle on his bedside cabinet; that could be put away in the morning. I climbed back into bed next to Phil, my lungs filling with the smell of peppermint as I got closer to his pillow. I had to admit, the smell was quite soothing, so I had faith in it.

I put one arm around Phil, but didn’t hold him too close, giving him a bit of space to breathe. A quiet mumbled question to him had him agree that he would appreciate that little bit extra breathing room. Phil eventually started to fall asleep; he still sounded a little wheezy, but there was definitely an improvement.

“If you feel any worse or can’t breathe or anything, wake me up immediately,” I said to him, the statement very firm, but my voice soft and quiet.

“Mmm’kay,” Phil mumbled sleepily, but I knew he was just awake enough to get the message.

–

I didn’t know if it was an offshoot of our soulmate connection, or just me being an overly worried fiancé, but I kept waking up throughout the night to check on Phil. Around three, I woke to him making some slight choking noises, like he was struggling to breathe a little.

“Phil,” I said, shaking him enough to wake him up, “Phil, are you okay?”

As I woke him up, I rolled him over onto his side, knowing that being on your back didn’t always go too well with coughing.

“Phil,” I said again, now that he was coming to his senses, “You okay?”

In response, I was met with a coughing fit. I wasn’t really too surprised, but I hated to see him suffering all the same. I brought one hand onto his chest and the other onto his back, to feel how he was suffering.

“I think you should sit up,” I told him, then slowly started to help him sit up.

I got Phil sitting up, leaning back against the headboard. He was still coughing, but I was hoping that being upright might help. I lightly rubbed his chest as he continued to cough, knowing it was bad, but hoping it would ease of soon.

“Dan,” Phil choked, coughing so hard it was bringing tears to his eyes, “Help?”

“Okay, one word answers,” I started, needing Phil’s opinion on a few things but not wanting to make him talk too much, “Do you think you need to go to hospital?”

Phil looked unsure for a moment, then let out a rough ‘no’.

“Okay. I’m going to get you a drink; do you want tea or water or something else?”

“Water.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back, okay,” I said to him, heading into the bathroom and filling the bathroom glass up from the sink.

I took the water to Phil and helped him hold onto it while he took the odd sip. I left his side for another couple of moments to open the window, but other than that I was right next to him, doing my best to help.

“Do you think more Piriton would help?” I asked him, noticing that the box was still on his bedside table from the last dose, which had been long enough ago.

“Maybe,” Phil said, this time managing to get a few words out, “There’s no harm.”

I handed Phil a tablet and made sure he got it down okay. He fell into a brief silence after that, the coughing having settled a little now that he was sitting up, only triggered by him speaking and any occasional movements. I got back into bed next to him, and making sure that it was okay first, slid my hand up his shirt to feel his chest. It was maybe a slightly odd action, but it settled my mind to be able to feel what was going on.

Grabbing my phone from my bedside, I decided to have a brief google about allergies and peppermint oil and see whether there was anything else I could do. I discovered that you could rub the oil on your chest too, in fact it could be the sort of oil people use for massages. Presuming Phil was up for it, I decided that this was worth a shot.

I posed the question to Phil, and sure enough, had a positive uptake. I didn’t want him to lay down again just yet, but I asked him to take his shirt off and do his best to be relaxed. I gently massaged some of the oil into his chest, trying to create some kind of rhythm with his breathing. It was strange, but I could almost feel Phil relaxing under my touch, some of the tension in his chest seeming to evaporate into thin air with the peppermint smell. When I felt his breathing was steady enough, and his coughing suitably under control, we slowly laid back down. I made sure Phil took his time and didn’t make any sudden movements. We adopted a slightly closer position this time, Phil very relaxed but needing a bit of a cuddle. This time, as he fell asleep, his breathing sounded a lot better and I had faith that he would be okay… and with that, we slept through until the morning.


	32. Navigating Problems

**Dan’s POV:**

Phil had managed to get a few days off work for our trip down south, so that made things considerably easier. The original plan was that he’d be doing most of the driving, but after yesterday, it was clear that I’d be driving us down at, least. Phil’s eyes were still a bit puffy from his allergic reaction, so it probably wasn’t the best idea for him to be driving. Today was definitely a glasses day for Phil; he didn’t even attempt to get his contact lenses in. His red eyes made him look a bit sad and sleepy and his glasses only magnified this. Phil took more allergy medicine after breakfast, deciding that if it at least helped a little bit, then it would be worthwhile.

We all got ourselves ready to leave, and took down the last of our luggage. We were short on space, so Phil and I had one holdall between us to do us the few days. In the end, we had to toss Ethan’s duvet and pillow into the back seat to make room for our bag and Adam’s, but I don’t think either of them were complaining about the added comfort.

Phil spent the first chunk of the journey sleeping, the medication having made him drowsy. Adam and Ethan were both fairly quiet in the back, and from a glance in the mirror, I could see that they weren’t asleep, but were just quietly cuddled up together, probably communicating with their minds. I had tried to get them to take a side each, but even the width of the middle seat was apparently too much space between them, so Adam had taken the middle and snuggled into Ethan’s side. I wasn’t complaining though, at least everyone was quiet and giving me peace to concentrate on the road.

We’d been on the road just over two hours when we hit a problem. Our side of the motorway had turned into a few lanes of slow moving traffic which was just creeping along. Seeing that Phil was still half asleep, I asked Adam and Ethan if one of them could do me a favour and look online at the travel news. It turned out that part of the motorway ahead had been shut because of an accident. There was a slip road not far ahead of us, but at the rate the traffic was snailing along, it would be a while before we got there.

The talking between Adam, Ethan and I seemed to awaken Phil, which was handy as soon I’d be needing him to look at the map. This was an area of the country that neither of us knew particularly well, so we’d need a bit of help to navigate our way through the countryside and back onto the motorway somewhere further down.

In the time it took for us to get off the motorway, Phil had pretty much figured out a route. At first, we were still in slow moving queues of traffic, but eventually, Phil’s navigation took us away from that. It was once we turned off the A-road and started making our way along some smaller roads that things started to get a little bumpy and narrow. Having been brought up in a more rural area than Phil, this didn’t bother me too much, but it was slowly getting to Phil. We were on a stretch of single track road, with minimal passing passing places, when Phil informed me that he was feeling a bit travelsick.

“I’m not really meant to stop on this road,” I told him, “But let me know if you’re about to throw up and I will.”

“Thanks,” Phil nodded, sounding a little weak.

“Are we far from rejoining a bigger road?” I asked, “If you can stomach glancing at the map again?”

“Looks like you keep going along here for a few more miles, then there’s a right turn just after a bridge, that should take us back onto a bigger road,” Phil explained.

“Okay,” I nodded, glancing over at Phil and taking in his rather green complexion, “Take a break from looking at the map, maybe open the window or something.”

Phil nodded, looking up from the map that was spread across his knee and looking out the front window. He opened his side window a little to get some airflow and sat back in his seat a little. I kept driving, sparing Phil the odd concerned glance, particularly as we went over some larger hills.

“Hey, we’re at the bridge,” I said, making this known to Phil, in case he hadn’t noticed, “Not far now!”

I turned right after the bridge, which got us back onto a main road. There were signs for the motorway, so I was able to spare Phil any further map reading and follow them. I did ask him if he wanted to stop before we got back onto the motorway, but he insisted he would be fine now that we were off the bumpy road.

We rejoined the motorway, and soon enough we were driving along at seventy, making good progress once again. I couldn’t spare Phil as many glances now that we were going faster, but hopefully he was doing a bit better. I was just thinking about asking him how he was feeling, when he spoke up.

“Dan, can we stop at this coming service station? I really don’t feel good,” Phil said, his voice a little wobbly.

“Okay, yes,” I said indicating into the left lane as soon as I could and taking the turning when it came.

I drove into the service station car park and stopped in one of the first spaces I came to. It was quite far from the building, but if Phil was about to throw up, he’d want to be out the car as quickly as possible.

As soon as I’d stopped, Phil was out of the car and standing among the bushes at the edge of the car park. I quickly put the handbrake on, wanting to get out to join him, but realising I should speak to Adam and Ethan first.

“You guys go in, go to the toilet if you want, buy a drink or a snack or something if you want,” I said to them, handing Adam and twenty pound note.

“Thanks,” Adam said, pocketing the note, “Do you or Phil need anything?”

At the mention of his name, I glanced out at Phil. He hadn’t thrown up yet, but he was still looking quite pale and green.

“Could you get two bottles of water?” I asked, “Phil’s on mine now because he finished his.”

“Sure,” Adam nodded, following Ethan out of the car.

I got out too and joined Phil over by the bushes. I put my arms around his waist from behind, but keeping him in a loose hold so he could get away to throw up if he needed to. As I held Phil, I could feel that he was shaking, and seeing him up close made his pale, slightly green complexion look even worse.

“D’you think you’re going to throw up?” I asked him, gently settling a hand on his stomach.

“Yeah,” Phil nodded.

“You’re fine when you’re driving, so how does this happen when you’re not?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” Phil mumbled half-heartedly.

Rubbing his back gently with my other hand, I wondered if there was anything I could do to help, “D’you want my water out the car?”

Phil shook his head in response and I understood that he was probably just feeling too nauseous to put anything in his stomach. For the next five, maybe even ten minutes, we stood there. Phil didn’t seem any better, but neither had he thrown up yet.

“You feeling any better?” I asked softly.

“Not at all,” he said, his voice trembling a little.

“Just we’ve been out here a while and you haven’t…” I started.

“I know, I can feel it’s going to happen though,” Phil cut me off.

“Okay,” I nodded, resting my chin on his shoulder for a moment, “I’m here for you when it does.”

Adam and Ethan arrived back, Adam carrying a plastic bag. Adam pulled out two bottles of water and held them out to me, “D’you want these now or should I put them in the car?”

“Just put them on my seat,” I instructed him.

“Okay, how’s Phil doing?” Adam asked.

“He’s not thrown up yet, but he still thinks he’s going to,” I explained, continuing to comfort Phil a little by rubbing his back.

Ethan stuck his head out of the car, “Could he not provoke it, like eat something or stick his fingers down his throat or something?”

At Ethan’s words I instantly froze, my body trying to decide whether it wanted to panic about what he’d just brought up.

It seemed that Phil, despite feeling on the verge of spewing everywhere, still had his protective instincts, “Ethan, you of all people should know about triggers. You do not say that sort of thing in front of Dan.”

It must’ve been the effort of speaking that triggered it; Phil quickly spun around and bent over, a stream of vomit coming out of his mouth. I didn’t really have the time to register what Ethan had said, because I was suddenly doing my best to help Phil, holding onto him and rubbing his back, there not really being much else I could do.

When Phil had finished emptying out the contents of his stomach, I helped him back up. He was quite unsteady on his feet, so after confirming that he felt he was done, I helped him back over to the car. I opened his passenger door wide and got him to sit down with his legs hanging out. I crouched down in front of him to get on his level, then opened up the glove box to find some tissues.

“Let’s get you cleaned up a bit,” I said softly, taking one of the tissues and wiping his chin and around his mouth.

I then grabbed what had been my water from Phil’s door pocket and poured a little onto a tissue. I wiped around his mouth again, this time doing a better job. I wrapped the two tissues in a third and put them on the floor out of the way, passing Phil his water to let him take a drink.

After a few minutes of Phil slowly sipping on his water and gradually gaining a little colour back, I asked him if he wanted to go into the service station, “Do you want to go to the bathroom or anything while we’re stopped?”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded, allowing me to help him up.

I put my arm around Phil and we walked across the car park like this. Phil was still rather shaky on his feet, and although his colour was returning, he still didn’t look great. We went straight for the bathrooms, where I headed for a urinal, but Phil disappeared into a stall. Once I’d finished my business and washed my hands, I waited outside, giving Phil a little privacy because he might be pooping.

After waiting over five minutes, I felt the need to check that Phil was okay. I could have texted him, but I didn’t know if he had his phone on him or had left it out in the car. Instead, it would be easiest just to go back in there and see.

The bathroom door opened silently, not announcing my presence at all. I was instantly met with the sound of small Phil-like sobs from the stall.

“Phil,” I said, lightly knocking one finger on the door, “Are you okay?”

“I… I…” Phil choked.

“Can I come in?” I asked tentatively.

I heard a click from the lock and the door slowly started swinging open. I made my way into the cubicle and shut it over behind me, in case anyone else were to come into the bathroom.

Phil was sitting on the toilet, his jeans around his knees, tears rolling down his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, reaching out a hand to brush away some of his tears.

“Just I don’t feel well and I just threw up in some bushes and I feel so undignified and I can’t stop shaking. I just want to go to bed, but we need to keep driving and I really don’t feel like it,” Phil blurted, breaking down into more sobbing.

I reached out and put my hands on Phil’s shoulders, speaking to him softly, “Hey, look at me. It’s okay to throw up in bushes. I’ve been there before. I know it doesn’t look the best, but if it has to be done, it has to be done. I know you’re really not feeling well at the moment, but you’re going to be okay. Once we’re back at the car, I’ll find you a blanket out of the boot. I can’t put a time on it, but we’re not too far now. We shouldn’t be on any roads that bad again.”

Phil nodded, but continued to cry. Seeing the state he was in, I was starting to contemplate phoning my mum to come and get the boys, and checking myself and Phil into the travel lodge next to the service station. On the other hand though, I knew Phil would feel more at home at my parents house and he probably needed that comfort at the moment. It was probably best just to get all the driving over with.

I got my phone out and texted Adam to let him know that we’d be at least five more minutes as Phil was having a little cry.

“The roads should all be smooth from here,” I told Phil, “I know you’re not feeling well, but you’ve thrown up now, so it’s not going to happen again… and I can stop again if you’d like.”

Phil nodded and looked a little calmer, but he still remained teary-eyed and miserable.

“D’you think you’re ready to face the world again?” I asked him, “D’you need to wipe? I can go back outside.”

“No, I just needed a seat, didn’t have the energy to stand and pee,” Phil explained, getting up from the toilet, pulling his boxers up and adjusting himself to make things comfortable.

Phil flushed the toilet, I opened the door and the two of us headed to the sinks to wash our hands. Phil also decided to wash his face, taking his glasses off to put cold water on his eyes. They’d still been a bit puffy from yesterday, but now he had the redness from crying on top of that.

We stopped in the shop, where I bought a bottle of Lucozade with Phil in mind. He was weak from throwing up and didn’t have much energy and although he maybe wouldn’t stomach it right now, it might help him out later.

We returned to the car, where I found Phil a blanket we’d packed in our holdall. I asked Adam for the plastic bag he’d got from the service station, wanting to have something on hand for Phil, just in case. Adam emptied out their snacks onto the spare seat and passed it over, understandingly.

After looking at Google Maps to find out exactly where we were, I texted my mum with an update:

_We’re in Wycombe - took a bit of a detour earlier because of an accident on the motorway and just had to stop for Phil to throw up as he got carsick._

I waited for my mum to reply, giving Phil a little more time to get settled before we set off again. It was a couple of minutes before her response came in, a message with some sympathy for Phil and her asking if there was anything we wanted ready for when we arrived.

_Oh dear - I hope he’s doing alright now. We’ll see you in just over half an hour. Is there anything you want me to get ready for your arrival?_

“Hey, my mum says it’s just over half an hour,” I told Phil, before typing out a response.

_Have you got the bed made up because I think Phil’s going to want to lie down? Adam and Ethan are doing fine, but they’re probably going to want to eat all your food._

_Bed is halfway done, but I’ll get it finished up. I’ll let you be on your way now._

I left our conversation at that, putting my phone back in my pocket and putting the keys in the ignition.

“We good to go?” I asked, as a general question to everyone.

I received enthusiastic responses from both Adam and Ethan, but Phil just mumbled a sad sounding ‘okay’.

–

Phil continued feeling quite unwell for the rest of the journey. He was nauseous, that was understandable, but I did have to pull into a carpark at one point when he complained of feeling a bit lightheaded. I got him to sit with his head between his knees for a minute or two, then handed him the bottle of Lucozade I’d bought him earlier. After a drink and a little fresh air, Phil insisted I was good to go again. He continued to sip on his drink, curled up in his blanket for the rest of the journey.

I pulled into my parents driveway, slowed to a stop, put the handbrake on and slipped the gear stick back into neutral. I lifted my feet away from the clutch and the brake and let out a sigh.

“We’re here,” I said, happy to have reached the end of our journey.

Adam and Ethan headed in first and made a start on unloading the boot. Phil and I took it a bit more slowly, remaining in our seats for five minutes. I reached out to Phil and put my hand on his shoulder.

“Let’s go inside and get you to bed,” I said to him, “Is that still what you fancy?”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded, “I think I’ll feel better if I sleep for a while.”

“Okay,” I said, taking the keys out the ignition and opening my door, “Wait there, I’ll come round and give you a hand.”

I took myself around to Phil’s side of the car, opened his door and made sure he got out okay and had something to hold onto if he needed to. Adam and Ethan had very kindly taken our bag in, so all that was left was me, Phil and his blanket.

My mum was waiting at the door for us, and immediately enveloped me in a hug. She was about to do the same to Phil, when he protested, “No, no, I’m gross. I probably have sick on my shirt, don’t hug me.”

“Okay,” she said, moving away, “I’ll get you when you’re cleaned up and feeling better. Your room is all set up and ready if you want to go for a lie down or anything.”

“Thanks,” Phil said to her, “I might do that.”

Phil turned to me, “Will you come up with me? I’m feeling a little dizzy at the moment.”

“Sure,” I said, moving so my hand was snugly around his waist for support, “C’mon.”

I got Phil up to my old room, and managed to get his belt off him, before he flopped on the bed, too exhausted to get comfortable properly.

“Are you really going to sleep in jeans?” I asked him.

“Too tired to take them off,” he mumbled.

“Let me?” I asked, wanting to give him a hand, but needing his permission first.

“Yeah sure,” Phil said sleepily.

I reached under Phil, undid his button and zipper, then gently started to wiggle his jeans down his hips. I had to stop for a second to fix his boxers and stop them from coming too, but soon enough, I had his jeans down to his knees, then it was all easier from there. Once I’d tossed his jeans to the side, I picked up the blanket he’d been wearing in the car and spread this over him, particularly his legs, to keep him warm.

“C’n you stay with me ‘til I’m ‘sleep,” Phil mumbled into the pillow.

“Of course,” I said, hopping up onto the bed next to him and letting him snuggle up against me.

“You get some sleep,” I mumbled to him, “I’ll wake you up for dinner and we’ll see how you’re feeling then.”

“Mmm,” Phil mumbled, clearly too far on his way to being asleep to give a coherent answer.

I stayed with him until he was sound asleep, his gentle snores being muffled by the pillow. It took quite a bit of willpower for me to leave him, but I knew there were things I could help with elsewhere.

I brought mine and Phil’s bag up from downstairs and changed into something a bit more comfortable. I wasn’t sure where all Phil’s sick had gotten, so clean clothes sounded like a plan. I left what I’d been wearing on the floor, my plan to get Phil’s top off him later and stick everything in the wash.

I then went to find Adam and Ethan, to see if I could give them a hand with moving any of Ethan’s stuff in. They were both in Adam’s room, Adam reorganising his wardrobe and starting to put some of Ethan’s clothes in, and Ethan sitting on the bed, his own duvet around his shoulders, unpacking a bag.

“How are you guys doing?” I asked, looking from Adam to Ethan and back again.

“Good,” Adam said, “We’re working on getting some of Ethan’s things away. I’m needing to do a bit of reorganising to get us both enough space, but I think we can do it.”

I was watching Adam as he spoke, so I noticed when his eyes wandered over to Ethan, with a slight look of concern, “Ethan, can you give that to Dan.”

I looked to Ethan, who was holding his razor, looking a bit lost in thought. I reached a hand out for him, but it took him a while to realised and hand it to me.

“I’ll take this downstairs and get Dad to look after this,” I said, decisively, “Adam, when you find your razor bring it down too and have a think about what else is in your room.”

“Yeah,” Adam nodded, “Good plan, I’ll do that.”

I took Ethan’s razor down to my dad and explained the situation, “Dan, is it okay if you can take custody of some sharp things? Ethan’s at risk of harming himself, so we don’t want to leave anything sharp where he can easily get to it. This is Ethan’s razor, but Adam’ll bring some more things down. We’ve been letting him shave with supervision, that seems to be the best solution.”

“Okay,” my Dad nodded, “I’ve got a lockable drawer in my office, which I don’t really use, so I’ll put the stuff in there.”

“Okay great,” I said, “Now, this one’s going to be a bit more of a nuisance, but think what you can do about the knives in the kitchen and any cupboards with medicine or cleaning stuff in them.”

“I’ve already installed a lock on one of the kitchen cupboards and one of the cupboards in the upstairs bathroom,” he explained, “We realised there might be issues so thought just to be on the safe side.”

“Fantastic,” I said, “I’m so glad you’ve been thinking ahead. I’ll let Adam know that too, it’ll ease his mind a little.”

“Okay, now, the bathroom cupboard has a combination lock. The code is six-four-one, in case you need anything out of there,” he told me, “You can let Phil and Adam know too, well if Adam can block Ethan from finding it in his head.”

“I don’t think they can transfer any information that specific, but I’ll check with him first,” I said, “Now while I remember, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but Ethan’s recently started antidepressants, which so far, seem to be improving how he’s feeling. He’s not necessarily going to be stable yet; he might need his dose up, but just to let you know about that.”

“Yes, your mum mentioned something about antidepressants, that you’d mentioned them to her when you were sorting out Ethan’s old school,” my dad nodded.

“Yes,” I nodded, “We were talking what I’m on for anxiety, then naturally we got onto what Ethan was taking.”

“What are you taking for anxiety?” my Dad asked me, sounding rather confused.

“Antidepressants and beta-blockers,” I told him simply, “Antidepressants are used to treat anxiety too… and like Ethan, I take them every day. The beta blockers I just take if I have a panic attack, to help slow my heart rate down.”

“Right,” my dad nodded, trying to look like he understood, but I could tell that he didn’t.

I realised that my dad would probably never understand the extent of my anxiety, so I didn’t feel it worthwhile to explain further. I would turn the conversation back to Ethan, as that’s the information he needed at the moment.

“Anyway, back to Ethan,” I said, “He’s doing better at the moment; I think mum’s going to get him transferred to a doctor down here asap and hopefully all of his information will be passed on. He needs to get organised with a therapist too, but maybe the doctor will be able to refer him to someone.”

“Okay,” my dad nodded, “Is there anything we can do in the meantime?”

“I don’t think he will just yet, because you’ve only just met, but let him know he can talk to you and do your best to listen and be understanding if he does,” I explained, “But generally, just make sure to encourage him to eat and drink. Don’t force him, but even if he’s not feeling up to it, take him a glass of water.”

“Does he have any food allergies or anything we should know of?” he asked me.

“I would double check with him just to be sure, but as far as I know, just nothing spicy,” I explained, “I think he’s been finding he’s had a rather sensitive stomach since getting it pumped. He doesn’t always have the best judgement of what’s going to disagree with him, but if he doesn’t feel like eating something, don’t make him, just suggest toast or something instead.”

“Okay, I think we can manage that,” my dad nodded.

After answering a few more questions about Ethan, I headed back upstairs to help out. Adam had looked out a few more things for me to take downstairs, so for the remainder of the afternoon, I continued to help them out with getting their stuff sorted out and Ethan settled.

I knew it was approaching dinner time, as I could hear my parents bustling about in the kitchen. I went to wake up Phil, knowing he would appreciate a little time to awaken properly before seeing my parents again. I sat down beside him on the bed, and gently nudged him awake, talking to him to hopefully grasp his attention. When Phil was finally coherent, I got onto asking him how he was feeling.

“How are you feeling?” I asked softly, rubbing my hand up and down his blanket covered thigh.

“Better,” Phil said shortly, “But still a little wobbly.”

With Phil now sitting up a little, it was easy for me to get on his level. I leant back against the headboard and invited him into my arms, “C’mere.”

Phil shuffled over and I put my arms around him. Having still not quite woken up properly, he was very relaxed and melted into my embrace, yawning and snuggling into me. I didn’t always appreciate it when I was half asleep myself, but Phil in this state was adorable. With the sudden urge to kiss him, I went for his forehead and upper cheeks, knowing that he hadn’t brushed his teeth or anything since he’d thrown up.

“I think dinner will be soon,” I told him, “D’you feel up to eating a little?”

“Mmm, yeah, maybe,” he mumbled, “What is for dinner?”

“I don’t actually know,” I realised, “Do you want to get yourself up and I’ll go and check?”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, wriggling in my embrace and stretching, making a tired groan.

Before I headed downstairs to check, I looked out Phil something clean and comfortable to wear. I told him just to put his current clothes in the pile on the floor and I would sort them out. I suggested that he brushed his teeth too, knowing that would help him feel a bit fresher.

I found both my parents in the kitchen. There was a big pot of pasta on the stove and another pot which I couldn’t quite see.

“What’s for dinner?” I asked, wanting a more specific answer than just pasta, “Phil’s up and he thinks he’s probably feeling okay to eat a little bit.”

“Cheesy pasta,” my mum said with a smile.

“Umm,” I said, hesitating as I tried to remember if I had ever told my mum about Phil being lactose intolerant, “I just realised that I don’t think I ever told you Phil’s lactose intolerant, like he can’t have dairy.”

“No, you haven’t,” my mum confirmed, “Is this a recent development? He was fine at new year?”

“I don’t know quite how long it’s been bothering him, but it became obvious something off in the week before we moved,” I explained, “He got diagnosed at the end of January.”

“How bad is it? Like can he have a small amount of milk?” my mum asked.

“No, not unless its a microscopic amount in bread or cake or something,” I explained, “If you put milk in his coffee, he’ll spend hours on the loo. I’ll pop out later and buy some of his lactose free milk.”

“Okay, well I’m glad you told us before it was too late,” my mum nodded, understandingly, “Now, what are we going to do about dinner? We probably have a jar of tomatoey sauce in the cupboard?”

“Do you have like chicken noodle soup or something?” I asked, “He’s probably not up to eating much anyway.”

“Yeah, we should do, take a look in the cupboard,” my mum nodded.

Knowing which cupboard she was referring to, having lived here most of my life, I knelt down in front of it to see what flavours of soup my parents had in stock. In the end, I selected vegetable, knowing Phil had a hatred for the rubbery lumps of chicken that came in tins of soup.

“This’ll do,” I said, standing up and laying the tin down on the worktop. “If you just heat up half, that’ll probably do him.”

“Okay, the pasta will be ready in just a few minutes, so I’ll get it on,” my mum said, taking the tin of soup and pouring about half of it into a pot.

“Right, I’ll be down with Phil in a few then,” I nodded, making my way back upstairs to see how he was doing.

Phil wasn’t in our room, but I found him in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He was now dressed in the clothes I’d left out for him and he looked quite a bit better already.

“So, what’s for dinner?” Phil asked me, as he noticed me hovering in the doorway.

“You’re having vegetable soup,” I told him, “I may have forgotten to tell my parents about you and milk… so they made cheesy pasta.”

“Eww,” Phil said, scrunching up his nose at the mention of cheese, “I’m glad I have an excuse not to eat cheese anymore.”

Laughing at Phil’s optimism at the situation, I continued, “Anyway, I’ll pop out and get you some of your lactose free stuff after dinner.”

“Thanks Dan,” Phil said, flashing me a shiny white grin with his freshly brushed teeth.

Phil and I stopped in our room to grab the pile of dirty clothes and then headed downstairs. I shoved our stuff in the washing machine quickly before heading through to the kitchen.

“Just to let you know, I’ve put a wash on with our clothes from earlier,” I told my mum as we arrived in the kitchen.

“Okay,” she nodded smiling, probably ecstatic about me knowing how to use a washing machine myself now.

“How are you feeling, Phil?” she asked, “Better after a lie down?”

“Yes, thank you,” Phil nodded, “I’m not feeling one hundred percent, but a lot better than earlier.”

“That’s good,” my mum said, deciding that now was an appropriate time to give Phil the hug he had missed out on on arrival, “And good to have you here, Phil.”

My dad was busy serving up five plates of pasta. My mum, once she was done hugging Phil, moved onto serving his soup.

“Take a seat boys,” my mum said, gesturing towards the table, “In fact, Dan, could you get the other two down?”

“Sure,” I nodded, leaving Phil at the table and jogging back up the stairs.

I knocked on Adam’s door and waited for an answer. It was a few moments before Adam told me to ‘come in’. I opened the door to find Adam sat on his bed, with Ethan nestled in his arms.

“Dinner’s ready,” I told them, “Is Ethan okay?”

“Yeah,” Adam nodded, Ethan turning his head to look at me, “This is all just a bit strange for him and there’s something about being close that helps him feel a bit more calm about it all.”

“I get that,” I nodded, experiencing that to some extent with Phil, “Well if you can disentangle yourselves enough to get downstairs and eat dinner, that would be good. It’s pasta in cheese sauce.”

I watched as Ethan extracted himself from Adam’s arms, then the two of them followed me down the stairs. We all got settled at the dining table and then my parents brought over the food. I could see that Phil was itching to help, so I placed my hand on his shoulder to calm him a little. Phil’s soup arrived in front of him, and a piece of bread appeared on a side plate.

“Hope that’s all okay for you,” my mum said, “Sorry, we would’ve been more organised if I’d known…”

“It’s okay,” Phil said, “And even if I could eat it, I’d prefer soup to cheese pasta.”

“He hates cheese,” I added with a laugh.

Everyone tucked into their dinner, some with more enthusiasm than others. My parents, Adam and Ethan seemed to have no problem with it, however, Phil and I were taking things a bit more slowly. I knew Phil still wasn’t feeling well, so he had his excuse. Me, on the other hand, I was just feeling a bit anxious about eating in front of everyone. I was okay with it, with them being family, but there was always some anxious niggle at the back of my mind.

I abandoned my food before Phil did, apologising to my parents for the waste, as my appetite wasn’t quite up to the portion size. Phil continued to slurp his way through his soup for a while longer, but he too eventually admitted defeat, unable to eat anymore.

As we ate, my mum commented on, ‘How lovely it is to finally have the whole family together.’

Everyone agreed with her, particularly Adam, who’d had the biggest struggle with being away from Ethan. Ethan looked a little sad at this comment; this Adam reacted to before the emotion had even reached his face, putting an arm around him and pulling him a little closer. Adam gave her a worried smile after that, as if to say, ‘be careful, he’s a little sensitive.’

I took the conversation in a slightly different direction after that. As we were on the subject of family, Phil and I had an announcement to make. Okay, we’d sent them a text, but we should really talk about it in person. Beneath the table, I caught Phil’s left hand with my right; we both had our rings on our non-dominant hands.

“So…” I started, lifting our joined hands up onto the table, at an angle that the rings would be very visible, “You saw our little announcement text; we’re finally making it one-hundred percent official…”

It took a moment for anyone to react, but unsurprisingly, it was my mum who burst out in congratulations first, “Yes, congratulations, my sons. Who proposed? When exactly? How did it happen? We’ve been waiting to hear the details in person.”

“The day after Adam’s birthday,” I said, after thinking about it for a moment, “Phil proposed. It wasn’t anything fancy; we were have a umm… cuddle and a chat before we went to sleep. I was happy I was feeling a bit better about my body image and Phil was being all supportive and a bit sentimental, telling me how far I’d come… and just slipped it in there at the end. I didn’t want anything overplanned or extravagant, so that was just perfect.”

I felt myself blushing a little as I told the story, Phil squeezing my hand as I stumbled over the words a little.

“Sounds lovely,” my mum said, a big supportive smile on her face, “Have you started planning yet? Have you figured out a date?”

“No not yet,” Phil chirped in, “I told Dan that we should just ‘enjoy being engaged for a little while first’… and we’ve got a few things to think about. I’m putting in an application for cooking school, so hopefully I’ll be doing that after the summer. Dan’s thinking about getting a job, with his anxiety being a lot more manageable now. This summer might be too soon to get it all planned out, but we should get thinking about that, because next summer seems too far away.”

“I think you could do it,” my mum said, “We’re only just into March and cooking school won’t start until September, right? If you go for August, you’ve got five months to get everything sorted.”

I looked to Phil to see his reaction to this. He made eye contact with me and nodded slowly, “I think we could do it.”

“Okay, maybe August then,” I said to my mum, with a laugh, “We’ll work it out when we’re back home.”

Phil ate a reasonable amount of his soup and bread, but didn’t finish it. He was feeling a bit better, but not entirely, so he didn’t want to push it. When everyone moved through to the living room for the evening, I made sure Phil was comfortable and that he was okay with me leaving him for half an hour. I drove to tesco to buy Phil his lactose-free milk and some butter-like spread that he put on toast. Although he didn’t have much appetite at the moment, I knew morning Phil would appreciate being able to have a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast and a mug of coffee.

I was back within thirty minutes and after putting the shopping away in the fridge, I joined Phil on the sofa. My parents were drinking coffee and watching the news. Adam and Ethan were half watching it, but most of their focus was on each other. Phil was joining in with the little bits of conversation, but had looked a bit lonely on the sofa by himself.

As I sat down, I put my arm around his waist and almost instinctively, pulled him a little closer. He reacted in the way that he always did when he was sick or tired, gently snuggling into my side and resting his head on my shoulder.

“How’re you feeling?” I asked him, in a quiet mumble.

“Alright, like I still feel a little unsettled, but I think dinner’s staying down okay,” Phil told me, keeping it quiet so my family didn’t have to hear all the details.

“Great,” I said, happy he was feeling okay to some extent, “Let me know if you need anything, but I’m thinking we should have an early night.”

“Mmm,” Phil nodded, “I know I slept a lot already, but I think getting to bed early sounds like a good plan and I’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Plus, I’m kinda tired from all that driving.”

My parents, after getting everyone’s input, decided we would have a little family evening, watching a film together. Adam got the popcorn out, but it was only him and Adam who ended up eating it. Phil looked over at it wistfully, but we both knew he wasn’t feeling up to eating any.

When the film was over, we all sat and chatted for a while, nobody quite sure whether everyone else was up to watching something else. Around ten o’clock, it became clear that Adam and Ethan would be the first to turn in for the night. Ethan had pretty much given up on the conversation and he was starting to fall asleep on Adam, who was idly playing with his hair.

In a lull of conversation, Adam piped up, “Think Ethan and I are gonna head to bed.”

I watched my mum’s shocked expression as Adam helped his sleepy soulmate to his feet, “You going to bed at ten pm. My, well I never thought…”

“He needs a lot of sleep at the moment,” Adam explained, “I might not sleep for a bit yet, but I’ll go and put my pjs on and stay with him.”

“I’ll come up and make sure everything is sorted out for you,” my mum explained, getting to her feet to follow them up the stairs.

After a little nod from my mum, I went too. I’d been dealing with things for the last few weeks and I was guessing she wanted me there because I knew Ethan better than she did. Adam’s room was still a mess of bags and boxes, Ethan’s stuff half put away, but not completely yet. It would take them a while to integrate all of their things; it had taken a while for me to get fully moved into Phil’s flat - I’m sure it was easier for those who moved into a new space together.

My mum helped my moving the stuff that was scattered on the bed over to the other side of the room. In all the mess, Ethan wasn’t able to find any of his own pyjamas, but he had no problem in accepting the pair that Adam threw at him from a drawer across the room. They headed to the bathroom to change and brush their teeth, meanwhile my mum and I sorted out a few more things that were lying around, just to speed the process along.

When they arrived back from the bathroom, they had almost become one, Ethan already cuddled into Adam as if he wanted to fall asleep right there. Adam pulled back the duvet for Ethan to climb into bed. My mum and I were by the door, ready to leave, when my mum asked them if they needed anything.

“I don’t think so,” Adam said, as he got into bed too, “I’m not going to sleep just yet, so I can get up again if I need to.”

“Okay,” my mum nodded, watching with wide eyes as Adam proceeded to wrap himself around Ethan, “Goodnight guys.”

I joined in with saying goodnight, then my mum and I left them alone, closing the door behind us as we stepped out into the corridor.

“I can’t help but find it adorable how Adam is taking so much care of him,” she commented, as we headed down the stairs, “Like this has really brought out a side in him which I haven’t seen much before.”

“Yeah, Ethan’s been needing a lot of support and he’s the only person who can really give it to him,” I explained, “Like Phil and I have been doing what we can, but obviously, it’s Adam who he’s close to. It’s nice seeing Adam being this caring, but it’s not easy on him either, so just keep an eye out for him and make sure he’s got someone he can talk to if he needs it.”

“Yeah,” my mum nodded, “Your Dad and I will do our best to be there for him, but I’m a bit worried he won’t open up to us as it took you to get the soulmate stuff out of him in the first place.”

“Well me and Phil are happy to talk to either or both of them if that helps,” I told her, “Like if he’s seeming closed off to you, suggest he can talk to me as that gives him another option.”

“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind,” my mum nodded, “Now, something you _were_ talking to them about… sex. You were going to take Adam condom shopping, right? Do you know if they have… y’know?”

I hesitated, thinking for a moment about how I was going to answer that, “They have, yes, but try not to bother them about it. I know it’s probably a bit weird for you as a parent, but they’re both completely legal and with them being soulmates, it’s completely natural…”

“Yes, I know,” my mum cut me off, “But like are we going to have to worry about hearing them? Will they wait until we go out?”

“I wouldn’t say they’re that loud, like Phil and I never heard much. We went out to give them some extra privacy for their first time, but they’ll keep to themselves if you’re in.” I told her, “I would make sure Adam knows how to use the washing machine though. I let them know that keeping their sheets clean was going to be their responsibility now and they seem to be keeping on top of that okay. I saw them using our washing machine a couple of times, so I don’t think you’ll have much to worry about.”

“Do they do it often?” she asked, “Not trying to be nosy; I’d just like some idea.”

“I don’t know for sure, but things can change anyway. Ethan doesn’t generally have the energy to do much, but he is improving with his medication,” I explained.

“Okay,” she nodded, “I’ll do my best not to interfere with anything private.”

“Good,” I concluded, nodding and slowly turning towards the living room.

My mum and I re-joined my Dad and Phil, who seemed to be having an in-depth conversation about cooking some kind of sauce or gravy. I came into the conversation halfway through, so I never completely got a grasp of what they were talking about.

When the conversation moved onto my parents updating me on things that had been going on locally, it was clear to me that Phil had lost interest in the conversation. He was nodding along and letting my parents think he was interested, but I could see that his thoughts were elsewhere.

It was nearing eleven when Phil’s yawns reminded me that he could probably do with more sleep. In an appropriate gap, I asked Phil if he was wanting to head up to bed yet.

“Phil, are you wanting to go to bed soon?” I asked him, adjusting how we were sitting as his tiredness seemed to be weighing him down.

“Yeah, but I could maybe do with a shower first, I’m feeling pretty gross,” Phil explained.

“Okay, shall we maybe head upstairs and get you organised then?” I suggested.

“Mmm,” Phil nodded, slowly disentangling himself from me to get to his feet.

“Could we maybe get some towels, mum?” I asked her, “Or have you put them in our room already?”

“Ahh sorry, I don’t think I quite got around to it earlier,” my mum said, hurriedly getting to her feet, “You guys head upstairs and get whatever else you need and I’ll bring them up.”

Phil and I slowly made our way up the stairs, while my mum was digging around in the linen cupboard. Phil pulled our bag up onto the bed and started to pull out two pairs of pyjamas and both our washbags.

“You wanting me to shower with you?” I asked, presuming this was the case from what he was bringing out.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind,” Phil nodded, “I’m tired and I just wanna get clean and get to bed and knowing me I’ll get a bit lost in there by myself.”

“Yeah, of course then,” I nodded, “Gets us both clean in half the time too.”

As we’d left the door wide open, my mum walked straight in with the towels, laying the bundle down on the bed next to our pyjamas.

“Are you just planning to shower and then go straight to bed?” she asked, “Or are you going to come back down to say goodnight?”

“Probably just go straight to bed,” I told her, “… Actually, what types of tea have you got at the moment?”

“Normal tea, earl grey, lady grey, cranberry, peppermint, Sri Lankan tea, lemon and ginger…” she said, trailing off as she tried to recall any more.

“Peppermint,” I said, stopping her from saying any more, then turning to Phil, “Phil, can I interest you in that? Might help your stomach settle a bit more.”

“Yeah, okay,” Phil said, stifling a yawn.

“Okay, great,” I said, turning back to my mum, “Could you perhaps bring a cup of it upstairs once we’re out the shower?”

“Just one cup?” she asked.

“Yeah, just for Phil,” I confirmed.

Once my mum left, Phil and I grabbed our stuff and headed for the bathroom. We both got undressed and into the shower, quickly, before we got too cold. Phil was shivering a little so I made sure he got under the water first. For the most part, we both cleaned ourselves, but I decided to lend Phil a hand with cleaning his back. When I felt Phil’s tenseness relaxing under my fingertips, I realised that I could do more for him than just wash his back. I brought my hands around his sides to his chest and gently rubbed up and down.

“How’s your chest feeling?” I asked him, “You’ve been sounding a bit better today.”

“Yeah, alright,” Phil nodded, “I don’t really feel wheezy or whatever but it just aches a bit now.”

Continuing to gently rub his chest, I nuzzled my face into the crook of Phil’s neck and left a few kisses there. He backed up against me, relaxing into my touch and letting out a tired sigh.

“How about we get out of here and we can continue the cuddling in bed once we can relax properly?” I suggested in a mumble.

“Yeah, good plan,” Phil nodded, stepping away from me and running his hands through his hair once more before shutting off the water.

We quickly got dried off and brushed our teeth, not taking any longer than the two minutes required. When we had our pyjamas on and the bathroom tidy, we left, Phil heading to our room and me off downstairs to check if the tea was underway. It was, and my mum shooed be back upstairs, insisting that she would bring it up in a minute or two.

After discussing with Phil, we decided there would be no harm in rubbing some peppermint oil on his chest again. He had brought it with him, and after the wonders it had done yesterday in easing his breathing, it was worth doing again if it let him sleep easier. I got him to lay down and retrieved the oil and some moisturiser from his toiletries.

With the peppermint oil being so concentrated, the moisturiser allowed me to spread it around more and leave him feeling more like he was nicely moisturised, rather than just oily. I applied the tiniest bit of pressure to rub it in, enough to be soothing but not make him ache more.

Phil had just got his shirt back on when my mum arrived with the tea. After I told her to come in, the door opened and she slowly walked in, focusing on keeping the steaming cup steady.

“Ooft it already smells like peppermint in here; what’s going on?” she asked, sounding amused.

“Its peppermint oil,” I explained, “Phil had an allergic reaction yesterday and it helps clear up his respiratory system a bit.”

“What are you allergic to?” my mum asked, laying the tea down at Phil’s bedside, “I can’t think either of you have said, well other than the milk, so I don’t want to give you it by accident.”

“That might be difficult,” Phil chuckled, “Cats.”

“Ahhh,” my mum said, now picking up on Phil’s amusement, “Yes, that might be difficult to give you cats by accident. What happened then?”

“Ethan’s parents have a cat,” I explained, “We didn’t think to ask and we despite Phil’s sneezing, we didn’t actually realise until the cat walked into the room.”

“Yeah, I just thought I was coming down with a cold or something at first,” Phil explained.

“How allergic to them are you?” my mum enquired, “Like did you need to go to hospital or anything?”

“I sneeze a lot, my breathing goes a bit funny and my eyes go puffy,” Phil explained, “But no I didn’t need to go to hospital; I just took some Piriton and it started to clear up.”

“I considered taking him a couple of times,” I added, “Like Phil, you were struggling to breathe a bit too much and then last night when I woke you up, I was in two minds whether to listen to you or just get you down to the car and go.”

“Mmm, sorry I worried you,” Phil mumbled, “But thanks for helping me out; you did great… and I think you were on the right lines with saying you would take me if I got any worse.”

“Yeah, so Phil’s still recovering a little from that,” I concluded, looking back at my mum, “I think we’re just about there.”

“And does the tea help with that too?” she asked, referring to the now cooling cup which was sitting on Phil’s bedside table.

“It might actually,” I said thoughtfully, “But, no, I just thought it would be good for his stomach as he’s been feeling a bit unsettled since the car journey.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “Well I’ll give you some peace. I hope the tea helps and that you both get a good night’s sleep.”

“Thanks mum,” I said, smiling.

Phil and I both wished her goodnight as she left the room and shut the door behind her. Phil picked up his mug and slowly leant into my side, taking small sips of his tea. I put an arm around him and talked to him a little as he drank. I knew that he was tired and I wanted to distract him long enough to get plenty of the soothing warm tea into his system before he fell asleep.

Phil did put the mug aside before it was finished, but I understood that he wouldn’t want too much liquid floating around his stomach while he was trying to sleep. I kept him up a little longer so that gravity didn’t interfere with the tea’s natural course to his stomach. Eventually, when Phil was starting to fall asleep against me, the two of us slipped under the covers and let sleep take its hold.


	33. A Night of Celebration

**Dan’s POV:**

A couple of weeks on from the trip down to my parents house, everything was finally coming together. Phil had just got his application in for cooking school, Ethan seemed to be settling okay with my brother and parents and I was starting to put together a CV in preparation for the job hunt that I was planning to start soon.

Phil was putting a lot of time in at work, now that our lives had calmed down and got into more of a routine. We’d started to think about planning our wedding and while we hadn’t decided on much, we knew we didn’t have the funds to do anything extravagant. Phil was taking advantage of this calm spell in our lives to work hard and get our income flow a bit better. We wanted a little weekend away as a honeymoon, probably just down to the south coast, but we’d still need to fund it.

Tonight, Phil was out at work and I was making a start on a list detailing all the things we might need to organise. So far I had: venue, rings, registrar, catering, flowers, music, invitations, best men, ring bearers, suits. I knew there were probably many things I was missing, but it was a start. Maybe we should get the help of a wedding planner, or at least a married friend. I’d talk to Phil about it later, but I had a strong feeling that Louise could be a big help in figuring this out.

I laid my list to the side and got up to go and make some tea. I still found there were days where dinner didn’t quite sit right, but usually it was nothing a cup of herbal tea and a bit of relaxing couldn’t solve. While I was up I decided to fill myself a hot water bottle too; I might as well get comfortable because it was a couple of hours before Phil would be home. I returned to the sofa with a cup of tea, a hot water bottle and a blanket, with the intention of watching something on TV until Phil got back.

While I was trying to make my mind up on what to watch, my phone started to ring from inside my blanket bundle. I managed to find my pocket through the layers, and pulled it out to see who was calling. Ethan.

“Hi Ethan,” I said, answering quickly as I was slightly puzzled why he was phoning me personally rather than with Adam.

“Dan,” Ethan said, sounding a bit worried, “Umm, I was looking for some advice and Mum thought you might be able to help me?”

“What’s the problem?” I asked softly, knowing his emotions could be a bit fragile at times.

“Well I have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and I don’t know what she’ll know already and what I need to say. I’m kinda stressing out about it but your mum thought you might have more of an idea what’ll happen,” Ethan explained.

“Okay,” I said, pausing for a few moments to think, “Right, for a start, we got your doctor up here to refer you to her, so he should have passed on notes about what’s been going in your life. I’m not sure if there’s any issues with data protection, but she’ll probably have most of your story. There will be some things, like the situation with your parents that she won’t know, but don’t feel you need to share all of it immediately, you’ll work towards that eventually. I suspect she’ll go over her notes with you at first and see if you have any other details to add. So you’re not going to have to explain everything; you might be asked to answer some questions though.”

“What if she asks me about something that’s difficult for me to talk about?” he asked, his voice sounding a bit strained.

“As a psychiatrist, she should be trained to ask things in a way that should be easier for you to answer, but if there’s something you’re not ready to talk about at the moment, just let her know and I’m sure she’ll understand,” I tried to explain.

“Okay,” Ethan said, but he still sounded rather anxious.

After a few moments silence, I spoke up, “Have you got any other questions for me? I’m trying to think what else I can do to help…”

“Can you persuade Mum to let Adam come with me?” Ethan said nervously.

“Is she not letting him? Why not?” I asked, a little confused why my mum wouldn’t let Adam be there for Ethan at this time.

“She doesn’t want him to miss school,” Ethan explained miserably.

“Is she around? Can I speak to her about that?” I asked, hoping I could do something for him and persuade my mother that it would really be best for both of them if Adam attended the appointment with him.

“Yeah, I’ll go find her,” Ethan said, followed by the rustling sounds as he moved the phone away from his ear and then moved around the house to find her.

“Ca-Mum,” he said, clearly still transitioning to calling her Mum, “Dan wants to speak to you.”

“Hi,” my mum’s voice sounded a couple of moments later.

“Hi Mum,” I greeted her, before continuing with the task at hand, “Ethan’s quite worried about talking to this psychiatrist.”

“I know, that’s why I suggested he talk to you,” my mum replied, curtly.

“And he has been, I’ve told him a few things that’ll hopefully help a bit,” I explained.

“Okay, that’s good,” she said. “So did you have something to tell me?”

“I was wondering why you’re not letting Adam go with him? It’s clear that would make him a lot more comfortable,” I said, with a slightly demanding tone requesting an explanation.

“Adam’s got school,” my mum said, as if that explained it all.

“Mum, I know his education is important, but so is his soulmate. He’s going to be sitting in class feeling all of Ethan’s anxiety if you don’t let him go,” I explained, trying to persuade her.

“Hmmm,” she mumbled thoughtfully.

“What time is Ethan’s appointment?” I questioned.

“Half twelve.”

“And is school lunchtime still from twelve-fifty til one-fifty?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed.

“Take him out before lunch and you’ll probably have him back before the end of lunch. He won’t miss too much class,” I suggested.

After a bit more persuasion, my mum eventually gave in, or maybe rather begrudgingly agreed that I was right.

She returned the phone to Ethan and I spoke to him for a bit longer, giving him all the advice I could. I got to speak to Adam too; he seemed fairly confident that he would be able to support Ethan at the appointment, which was a relief. I could only give so much advice; having his soulmate there with him was really what he needed.

–

When Phil came home from work, he told me about his evening and I told him about mine. He’d encountered a few strange customers at work, which for Phil was nothing unusual. I told him of my phone call with Ethan and the outcome of that. Hopefully we would hear tomorrow how things had gone.

As Phil cuddled with me on the sofa, he found the now lukewarm hot water bottle on my stomach, which I had forgotten all about.

“Stomach ache?” he questioned softly.

“Just a little bit,” I explained, “Thought I might as well get cosy.”

“Shall we maybe get ready for bed soon and then we can get properly cosy and not have to move again?” Phil suggested.

“Mmm sounds good,” I agreed, wanting nothing more than to cuddle up with Phil in the warmth of our bed.

“C’mon then babe,” Phil said, a guiding hand on my back, “Let’s go.”

Phil and I changed into our pjs and brushed our teeth together. Once we were warm under our duvet, Phil made a move I didn’t quite expect him to. He slipped his shirt off, then helped me do the same, snuggling up against me, our naked chests making it that little bit more intimate.

“I know we’re not naked, but this makes you feel good, doesn’t it?” Phil mumbled.

“Yup,” I said happily, pressing a kiss into his shoulder, too comfortable to move and kiss him on the lips.

Phil and I took the night on in each others arms, warm, comfortable and cosy.

–

The next day, Phil and I decided that we would talk to Louise about helping us plan out wedding. We spoke to her on the phone, and after hearing her excitement already, we knew she would be a big help. We organised a day for her to come over and help us start off the process.

After Phil and I had finished lunch, about two o’clock in the afternoon, I received a phonecall from Adam.

“Hey, Dan,” he greeted me, “Thought I’d fill you in on Ethan’s appointment. Umm… it didn’t go very well…”

“What happened? Is he alright? Are you alright?” I asked, instantly concerned because I knew how anxious Ethan had been about it.

“We’re fine, we’re home now and Ethans hopefully asleep,” Adam told me, “Umm, it got too much for him and he ran out of the room. I followed him to the bathroom; he was like really panicking about everything…  like he was crying and shaking and struggling to breathe and felt sick and stuff - maybe a panic attack?”

“Sounds like it,” I agreed.

“Anyway, I did what I could to help him with his breathing, holding him as that usually helps calm him a lot,” Adam explained. “And I texted mum to come for us as quick as she could; she was in a coffee shop just down the road.”

“Sounds like you did all the right things,” I commented, listening as he took a couple of deep breaths.

Adam continued, “When he’d calmed down a little, we left the bathroom. I left him with Mum for a minute to briefly tell the psychiatrist we were leaving. Then we went home; I know Mum had wanted me to go back to school but it wasn’t happening after that.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding although he couldn’t see, “So how long have you been home? He’s sleeping now, yeah? How has he been since you got home?”

“We’ve been home an hour; I took him straight up to our room and got mum to bring some water,” Adam informed me. “I got him out of his jeans and outer coat and whatever, and once he was just in boxers, I took my shirt off and we cuddled for a while amongst the blankets. We continued to work on his breathing, I got him sipping the water, just generally did my best to help calm him down. Eventually he got kinda sleepy, so he laid down and I stayed with him until he was asleep. He’s like fast asleep now, as far as I know anyway. I thought I’d take this chance just to tell you what happened, but I’ll probably be stuck by his side again later.”

“Did you talk about his feelings much and why it happened?” I asked.

“Not really, I was just trying to get him to calm down… I think he still feels sick too, which isn’t good, but hopefully that’ll pass in his sleep,” Adam added.

“Yeah, I’ve thrown up during a couple of anxiety attacks, but the feeling usually does pass,” I explained, “You’ve been doing all the right things from the sound of it, but yeah, just make sure he gets plenty of rest until he’s feeling better.”

“Okay, yeah, I will do,” Adam said, “Anything I can to make this easier for him… Um, we didn’t organise another appointment or anything but what do you think we should do?”

“I’d give it a day or two and see how he’s feeling about the whole thing. It might be he’s better trying a different psychiatrist as the first one is always necessarily the right one. I suspect with the referral they probably chose one at random, but they’ll all handle his problems in different ways. Clearly depression and suicide are gonna be the main things on his list to talk about, but it sounds like he’s suffering from a bit of anxiety, so one who works with anxiety might take things a bit slower with him. I’d speak to the staff at reception and see if they can give a recommendation.”

“Okay,” Adam said, a little uncertainty.

“At the moment though, don’t worry about that,” I told him,”… and I know you do, but try your best to be there for him. Maybe try and talk through the appointment with him to get an idea where things went wrong? Tomorrow might be hard if Mum makes you go to school, but alone time is good for him too.”

I could almost hear Adam making a mental note of all that I had said, being quiet and thoughtful at the other end of the phone. I wished him luck with everything and said goodbye, also letting him know that if either he or Ethan wanted to have a chat about anxiety, I would see what I could do. In the absence of a professional to help him at the moment, we were all stepping in as a support network to do what we could.

–

The next day, I received a further update from Adam in the form of a text, informing me that Ethan had a bit of a rough afternoon in the end:

_Ethan had a bit of a rough afternoon yesterday. We tried relaxing, but he ended up having a rather restless sleep instead. Dinner was curry, which he thought would be fine, but he ended up feeling sick and going to bed early, then throwing up on himself in bed. I suspect he was still feeling off anyway from the panic attack. Today’s been better so far - I was at school but kept texting him to make sure he was doing okay._

Ethan had a sensitive stomach at the best of times, but it sounded like the lingering anxiety hadn’t helped matters. From just speaking to Adam, I couldn’t really get an idea how much the anxiety was still affecting him and I’d like to do what I could to help.

_Aww that sucks - I’m glad he’s doing better today. If it would help to talk about it, I’m free this evening if you want to skype?_

I’d made an effort to keep in contact with Adam and Ethan since they had left us. I knew things weren’t easy for either of them at the moment, so I was doing my best to be there for them, as I knew Adam struggled to speak to Mum and Dad about personal matters.

_I think that would be good - I’ll see how he’s feeling after dinner and we’ll let you know_

Later in the evening, Phil and I sat down on the sofa together to Skype them. Phil could leave if they wanted to talk to only me, but I knew his point of view on anxiety could be valued. The pair of them were sat together in bed, Ethan still displaying some signs of lingering anxiety. I didn’t dig too deep into what had caused his attack, only taking the information that he and Adam volunteered. Between Phil and I, we were able to provide insights from both someone with anxiety problems and that of a soulmate familiar with helping them.

I’d quite realised it until now, but helping Adam and Ethan over the last couple of months had also helped me in a more roundabout way. There was something about using your own experiences to guide someone else through theirs, which built up a kind of confidence within you. Although I would maybe never be completely ‘better’, I felt so much more confident in my body and in dealing with my anxiety issues.

——

Two months later, it was the start of May and the wedding planning was well under way. The venue was booked, Phil and I had got our rings organised, Phil had booked the catering people and was in the process of liaising with them over the menu. Louise had helped to pull everything together, helping us pick out the music and flowers, designing the invitations, attending both of our suit fittings. We had decided to ask Adam and Ethan to be our ring bearers, as it was traditionally good luck to have another pair of soulmates bear the rings at your wedding. Phil had known straight away that he wanted his brother as his best man, but I was taking a bit longer to decide. Phil was my best friend and my brother was already occupied with another role.

I’d spent a while thinking about the traditional role of a best man. In the main they were someone to help you get ready in the morning and give an entertaining speech. Chris and PJ crossed my mind, but they were really Phil’s friends and something about that didn’t seem right. I knew that I didn’t do well with nerves, so ideally I wanted someone who would be able to help me calm down if I got a bit anxious. Louise had looked after me a lot on days when Phil didn’t want to leave me home alone. It was her advice that had helped me to deal with my anxiety at first and I would be ever thankful for that. I needed someone like her, kind and calming and understanding.

In expressing this thought to Phil, he came up with a solution which I hadn’t quite expected.  _“Why not just ask Louise then? There’s nothing to stop you having a best woman.”_

In hindsight, I realised that Louise had done a lot of the jobs that a ‘Maid of Honour’ may have done in the run up to the wedding of a man and a woman. She was the perfect figure to fill this role and was so honoured when I asked her that she teared up a little.

–

Today started out like any other, but we soon discovered it to be a special day for Phil. He’d received an email from the cooking school he’d applied to earlier in the year and after dragging me to the living room for emotional support, he opened the email. It was great news, they had offered him an unconditional place on the course!

Phil was overjoyed, this being a big step along the way to his lifetime goal of becoming a professional chef with his own restaurant. He cried, happy tears rolling down his face as he sobbed in glee in, nestled in my arms. I congratulated him over and over, not only with words but with kisses. I knew immediately that a celebration was in order. This was a big deal for Phil and I wanted to celebrate with him.

I asked Phil how he wanted to celebrate, to which he answered,  _“With you! We could get takeaway and just celebrate here; I’d like that.”_

With that, I decided that dinner was going to a takeaway of Phil’s choice, accompanied by champagne. Before it got to dinner time, I nipped out to Tesco to buy a bottle of champagne, some flowers and napkins to make dinner that little bit fancier. I picked up some popcorn and chocolate for Phil too, knowing how much he loved his snacks.

Phil took a while to decide what he wanted for dinner, but after some research he found somewhere that would deliver vegan pizza. He hadn’t had pizza since he’d been diagnosed as lactose intolerant and now, four months later, he was finally sorting that out.

Phil ordered a ‘cheese’ and tomato pizza, wanting a simple pizza to sample the flavours; he would potentially try something different in the future. I ordered a low fat cheese verison with peppers and sweetcorn on top, which sounded good. Despite each having chosen our own pizzas, it was a given that we would sample each other’s anyway.

While we waited for it to arrive, I set the table with wine glasses, flowers and napkins to make things that little bit more fancy. I attempted to fold the napkins in some fancy way, but that turned out to be a bit of a flop, literally.

Phil was amused by my setting the table for the pizza, but he didn’t call me out on it. I’d thought about making this element a surprise, but I couldn’t exactly shut Phil in our room until the pizza arrived.

When the door buzzer went, I told Phil to take a seat at the table and I took in the pizza from the delivery guy. I took the pizzas to the kitchen to serve them onto two big plates, then brought them out to the table, where Phil was waiting patiently.

I noticed that Phil already had his napkin on his lap, so I unfolded mine and did the same. I handed Phil the champagne to open, feeling that he should probably be the one to do that. The cork popped out with a small pop and fizz, and then Phil was pouring it out into our glasses. As cheesy as it was I did a little toast to his success in his new course.

“Thanks for doing all this,” Phil said, after swallowing the first fizzy sip of his champagne, “I wouldn’t have thought to have napkins and champagne with pizza, but it makes it feel like a bit more of a celebration!”

“That was the plan,” I laughed, “As you didn’t want to go out anywhere to celebrate, I felt like I needed to create some level of fanciness here.”

“Thanks,” Phil said, chuckling lightly and starting to pull apart his pizza.

We both got dug into our pizzas, Phil making appreciative noises at the burst of flavours in his mouth. He looked happy, maybe even the happiest I’d seen him in months. I was incredibly proud of Phil for getting into cooking school, but I was also happy to have treated him to a dinner he was enjoying so much.

My pizza was good too, the vegetables and low fat cheese making it a little different from Phil’s. What was even better, was I could eat it without feeling even the slightest bit guilty. It was all good for me and nowadays, that was all the reassurance I needed.

For dessert, we had a small tart, that was technically a generous helping for one. For Phil and I, that was perfect, as it allowed me to have a small bit and Phil would finish off the rest.

I cleared up and insisted that Phil didn’t need to do anything. Instead, he was to get comfortable on the sofa and pick out a film as I got the popcorn ready. A few minutes later, I joined him, setting the popcorn bowl on his lap and cuddling up next to him. In the duration of the film, we finished the rest of the champagne between us, not an intentional move, but it happened and neither of us were complaining about the slight tipsiness it provided.

By the time the credits were rolling, we were nice and cosy under a blanket, but with the alcohol in our bloodstreams, it wasn’t long before things took a turn towards being sexy. Small congratulatory kisses had turned into making out and before long, my hands were working their way under Phil’s clothes, and his under mine.

Despite stumbling slightly on the way there, I made the responsible decision to take this to the bedroom. Neither Phil nor I were particularly keen on defacing other parts of the flat, and even whilst mildly drunk, I remembered the morals of our sober selves.

It seemed only right that a night of celebration turned ended in the way it did, Phil and I having a glorious night of passionate love making. I tried to focus things towards Phil, doing what made him feel good, as this night was meant to be all about him. As we fell asleep in each other’s arms, I reminded him how much I loved him, gently nuzzling into him as I got comfortable. I felt at complete peace in Phil’s arms and my heart was full of joy for him at his achievement. Being soulmates, Phil’s life was a major part of mine, and knowing he was one step closer to reaching his dream made me feel like I was glowing with happiness. ‘I Love You’s were exchanged, but even those three meaningful words couldn’t express the combined happiness we were feeling.


	34. Feel Safe

**Dan’s POV:**

Summer. The one time of year when England would get at least a little warm weather. Children, teenagers and students would be free from the teeth of school, college and university. The start of July was due to bring the start of the hot weather so I knew I’d need to look out my summer clothes soon.

We were fast approaching the one year anniversary of the day I’d met my soulmate, Phil. That anniversary was the day we’d chosen for our wedding, realising that if we wanted to pick out a date in August, we might as well choose the one that meant something to us as a couple.

My brother, Adam, had sat his A-Levels and finished his second-to-last year at school. Phil and I wanted to go down to see him and Ethan at some point, but we knew that realistically the next time we’d see them was when they were up here for our wedding.

In addition to finalising the details for our wedding, Phil had been trying to upload more cooking videos to his YouTube channel. He felt that he’d been slacking a bit, and had only uploaded a couple of videos since the pizza one, but with renewed energy from the good weather, he was able to get things back on track. I decided to help him out a bit, learning how do the editing and sometimes helping him out with this, as it was his least favourite part of the process.

Scorching heat arrived on the second of July, we didn’t have it as bad as down South, but still, I was digging around in my drawers to try and locate my shorts. They’d been put at the back of my bottom drawer, shoved away without a second thought as we moved in in January. Eventually I unearthed them and set my favourite pair on the bed, to put on for the day ahead.

I changed from my pyjamas into a fresh pair of boxers and a loose t-shirt, then came over to the bed to retrieve my shorts. I didn’t think twice as I stepped into them and pulled them up, that was until they got stuck. I looked down to see whether they had gotten caught on my underwear, but no, it just seemed like my thighs were too big to get these shorts on anymore. I tried putting more force into pulling them up, but to no avail. It seemed I wasn’t getting these shorts on today.

I wasn’t too disheartened, however. I had other shorts, so I made my way back to the drawer to select an alternative pair. This pair were made of a softer fabric, with an elasticated waistband, so they’d stretch, right, even if my thighs had filled out a little bit over the last year.

I stepped into them and pulled them up and it was only when the waistband snapped over my lower stomach that I was filled with regret. They were tight, incredibly tight. They accommodated my thighs okay, but the pressure on my stomach was too much, both in physical feeling and in mental, as they were now acting as a constant reminder of how much weight I’d gained over the last year. Curious, I made my way to the bathroom and dug the scales out from the back of the cupboard. Phil had put them well away after we moved, knowing that seeing them on a daily basis would be too tempting for me.

I stepped onto the scale and as I read the number that flashed up on the small screen by my feet, I was filled with an urge. I hadn’t felt this urge in so long and as much as I was trying to fight it, I found myself on my knees in front of the toilet, fingers in my mouth, only centimetres from the back of my throat.

I found myself in a strange kind of limbo, my fingers wanting to go that little bit further, but there was something stopping me. Was it the knowledge that by doing this I’d be relapsing back into something I’d put so much effort into giving up? Was it knowing that Phil would be disappointed in me, even if he tried not to show it? I sat there, fighting a battle with my own brain, tears streaming down my face as I broke down in panicky sobs, unable to form any coherent thoughts of how to pull myself out of this.

I couldn’t do this myself. I was slowly descending into a full on panic attack and I could barely even move, never mind think about calming down or trying to get to my medication. My fingers still in my mouth, I did the only thing I felt I could manage, I yelled for Phil… and maybe it came out as more of a muffled scream, but all that mattered was it was loud enough for him to hear.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice said, full of concern as he entered the bedroom a few moments later.

“Help?” I choked, trusting that Phil would be able to get me out of this.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

The first thing I noticed, clearly, was that Dan was sat on the floor in front of the toilet. I assumed that he was feeling sick, but he couldn’t thrown up yet or I’d have known about it

“What’s wrong?” I asked softly, as I approached him from behind.

Dan didn’t reply, the crying and sobbing clearly having overwhelmed him. It was only as I sat on the floor next to him that I noticed he had his fingers in his mouth. It took me a few seconds to realise what that meant, but Dan was struggling with something much more than an upset stomach. I could see from his expression that he had some kind mental battle going on inside his head.

“Okay,” I mumbled, trying to think what I should do, “You okay if I touch you?”

Dan choked out a ‘yes’, not even moving his hand from his mouth. I loosely gripped his wrist, not forcefully, but wanting to be able prevent him moving his hand any further if I needed to. My other hand, I brought around his back, hoping that a loose hug would be comforting. Before I could ask Dan what had triggered this, I knew I needed him to calm him down a little, so I rubbed circles on his shoulder and guided him into one of his breathing exercises.

As he put all of his focus onto his breathing, I was gradually able to move Dan’s hand out of his mouth and away to a safe distance. He still wasn’t doing good, but I was hopeful I’d done enough that he’d be okay on his own for a moment while I went to find his medication. I filled the bathroom glass with water from the sink and handed this to him.

“Small sips, okay,” I said, making sure he hand a decent grip on the glass, “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to grab your coat. That’s where your tablets are, right?”

“Think so,” Dan said, sounding a little unsure of himself.

I hurried out into the hallway and grabbed Dan’s coat from its hook by the door. I returned to the bathroom with it immediately, waiting until I was back with Dan before unzipping the pocket. Thankfully, they were where I expected, down to the very pocket he usually kept them in.

Getting the tablets down was never an easy one, but I remained by Dan’s side as his gag reflex fought against them. Once he’d successfully swallowed them, I took him back to doing the breathing exercises, knowing they would take their time to have an effect.

Dan was relaxing more into me and I felt that he didn’t need to be right in front of the toilet any more. “D’you want to move away from the toilet a little?” I asked, encouragingly.

Dan nodded in response, so slowly I shuffled back towards the bath, pulling him with me, both of us sliding easily across the floor tiles. I leant back against the bath and got Dan nice and snug between my legs, leaning back against me.

“Deep breaths,” I reminded him, noting that he’d lost some of his progressing in moving, “Nice and slow.”

I rested my chin lightly on Dan’s shoulder as I listened to his breathing. I settled my hands around his waist, wanting to make this comfortable and natural for him. It clearly wasn’t, however, because Dan shuffled uncomfortable and pushed my hands away.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” I asked gently, hoping that he would be able to form an answer this time.

“My shorts are too tight,” Dan complained, clearly trying to avoid my question by stalling the conversation.

“Okay let’s get them off then,” I said simply, thinking that if Dan was more comfortable, we’d be able to work things out.

I slipped my hands beneath the waistband of Dan’s shorts, not expecting him to have any problem with it as we undressed each other fairly often. I was taken aback when he flinched away, shooting forwards out of my embrace.

“Dan?” I said hesitantly, confused by his actions.

“I…” Dan choked, “S’my shorts that are the problem… They’re too tight on my stomach and…”

I felt incredibly bad the moment I realised that I’d misunderstood and caused this reaction. Now he was sitting alone in the middle of the bathroom floor, I noticed how much Dan was trembling. I felt really bad for my misunderstanding and now I had to figure out what I could do to help.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise,” I said, apologising for my mistake, “Can you take them off? Getting rid of the pressure might help?”

Nodding, Dan reached down and pulled his shorts down, accidentally getting his boxers too. It seemed he didn’t care though, tossing them both across the floor, away from him and towards me. Reaching out, I picked up the shorts to look at the label. They were an extra small and I knew that Dan should be at least a small or maybe a medium.

“I think we need to get you some new shorts,” I commented, setting them aside.

“But I’ve gained weight,” Dan mumbled sadly.

“That’s a good thing, remember,” I reminded him.

Dan sat silently, making eye contact with me, but not saying anything. I could see that he would probably be stuck in this mindset for the rest of the day, but I was going to have a go at getting him out of it.

“Dan are you feeling okay enough to get up and we’ll go back to bed for a bit? I asked him, just wanting to cuddle with him and see if that improved things.

“Mmm okay,” Dan mumbled.

I got up, returned Dan’s boxers to him, then helped him to his feet. He stepped back into his boxers, then I gave him a little support back through to our room. Once on the bed, he crawled up to the pillows and slipped under the duvet, pulling it up around him. I took my trousers off and joined him, making sure he was okay with the contact before cuddling up next to him. Dan was still shaking a little, but I was hoping that he felt safe now and that the warmth of our bedding helped him feel better.

Dan gradually relaxed, letting himself melt into my arms and the shaking slowly easing into stillness. I knew he would still be feeling fragile, but I was glad his anxiety had calmed down now. That would let me work on how he was feeling about his body, which I felt was important to tackle before he made it worse.

“What can I do for you?” I asked him, wanting to help him in whatever way I could.

“Just stay here,” Dan mumbled in response, “I just wanna be close to you.”

“Are we close enough?” I asked, “Or would more skin contact help you?”

“Could we take our shirts off?” Dan asked timidly, “It just makes me feel really safe.”

“Of course,” I said, pulling my shirt off over my head, while Dan did his own.

Letting out a content sound, Dan cuddled back into my chest. I brought my arms around him and gently rubbed his back. After a while, one of my hands trailed down to his hip, but I stopped it there, not quite knowing where his boundaries lay at the moment.

“Where are your boundaries today?” I asked him, “I know I should’ve asked that earlier but I didn’t think…”

“Like just don’t touch my stomach, I guess?” Dan said, sounding unsure, “I don’t know; I might be fine with it now but it was just too much earlier with the shorts.”

“Are you feeling any better about your body now?” I asked him, knowing that sometimes after the initial panic passed, his body image issues would too.

“Not really,” Dan mumbled, “I just… I feel like a bit of a whale today… like my stomach’s… fat… and I feel… just big.”

“You just look strong and healthy to me,” I told him, trying to remind him of what was important, “My beautiful little Dan.”

“Phil, I’m not little, I’m taller than you,” Dan groaned.

“Physically, yes, you’re taller than me,” I said, “But when you curl up all small like this, you’re not.”

“Makes me feel safe,” Dan mumbled, again bringing up this point.

“I know, and I want you to feel safe,” I told him. ”I want you to feel okay about yourself, so I’m here for you, okay?”

“Thanks,” Dan said, a hint of a smile in his voice.

“Now,” I said, “Only if you’re up for it, but will you let me show you how beautiful you are?”

“What will that entail?” Dan asked, voice curious but a little concerned.

“I just want to kiss you all over, make you feel loved,” I admitted, pressing a kiss to his neck to give him the idea.

“Mmmm okay,” Dan mumbled, clearly enjoying the touch.

I moved down the way, kissing Dan’s collarbone, his chest, his nipples… I worked on giving him compliments after every few kisses, which he was clearly enjoying. I stopped just North of his stomach, knowing this was where one of his boundaries lay.

“Dan, can I go lower?” I asked gently.

“Yeah sure,” Dan said, almost cheerfully.

I moved down to his stomach, these kisses more tentative, but still with the same meaning behind them. My lips ghosted over the scar from his surgery, kissing that too, because although it wasn’t inherently beautiful, it was a part of him now. I loved every little part of Dan; as a whole he was beautiful and that scar had great meaning behind it.

“You’re so pretty,” I told him, “Beautiful, despite the scar, and despite what your anxiety is telling you. You look so healthy and full of life. I love you.”

“I love you too Phil,” Dan replied, sounding a little tearful, “Thank you so much for doing this for me.”

“It’s no problem,” I said, lifting myself up and going to capture his mouth in a kiss, to distract him from the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him.

The kiss that started as a distraction soon turned into something a little more heated. I was lying on top of Dan’s naked body and I was starting to feel something. Dan was turned on, and although I didn’t share his predicament quite yet, I could let myself if that was what he wanted.

“Mmm Dan,” I mumbled, pulling away when an appropriate moment arose, “What are you wanting? I feel you… but are you in the mood?”

“Could you m…” Dan started, hesitating, “Could you m-make love to me? Like slow and cuddly and…”

“Of course,” I said sweetly, rubbing my hands gently over Dan’s abdomen, “And don’t worry about whatever we had planned for this morning, that’s officially postponed.”

With a few strokes to Dan’s length and a few to my own, I was soon reaching for the lube. We hadn’t exactly been active in the last few days, so Dan took a bit more prep than usual. Sometimes, when it was lust controlling our actions, the stretching process could be a bit tedious, but on days like today, it was a mutual bonding of sorts. I had Dan on his back, so I could keep an eye on his expression and we were both talking through the process, me making sure Dan was comfortable and that everything was going smoothly.

The love-making itself was like Dan asked for, slow and cuddly. The pace allowed my movements to be more judged and precise and allowed Dan to feel every last bit of sensation without being overwhelmed by the next. I was on top of him, but spreading my weight carefully to make him feel cuddled but not squashed. Dan’s climax came first, so I worked him through it, then pulled out and finished myself off with my hand, not wanting to overstimulate him. I made fast work of myself and cleaned us both off with tissues, before moving to cuddle Dan properly.

Post sex cuddles were always special, but there was something about today’s which had an extra heartwarming quality to them. Dan had been through a lot this morning and I just wanted to hold him close. He was clearly feeling good now, but I could tell he was exhausted. Nothing drains your energy quite like an panic attack, and sex on top of that was the recipe for a tired Dan.

“If you want to go back to sleep, that’s okay,” I told him, “I’ll set an alarm for say, half-twelve ‘cause I’m going to stay here with you.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, yawning.

With all the skin contact Dan could possibly need, we lay there and let ourselves fall asleep. I maybe didn’t need it in the same way Dan did, but I was enjoying his presence too much to do anything else. We’d get up again in time for lunch, and so what if we went back to bed again after breakfast?

I was never fully asleep, spending the time drifting in and out of consciousness. Dan was fast asleep in my arms and I didn’t want to disturb him until the alarm went off. I noticed the time about ten minutes before the alarm was due and thought I would keep an eye on the time, cancel it and wake Dan more nicely. In the end, however, I dozed off again and I didn’t get to cancel the alarm before it was blaring loudly next to us.

I silenced it as quickly as I could, but the damage was done. Dan had been rather rudely awoken from his sleep and I’d been hoping to make things nicer on him by doing it myself.

“Hey,” I said, my voice a little rough with not having been used in a couple of hours, “Time to get up?”

“I guess,” Dan said, his voice similarly scratchy, “Mmm, I could do with a drink.”

Moving my leg out from underneath Dan’s and attempting to shake some feeling back into it, I sat up slowly. Dan remained lying down, hair in his eyes, looking comfortable.

“Maybe you should get up and get a drink then?” I suggested.

“Can you get me it? I’m a bit sore,” Dan asked, complaining slightly.

“Okay, I’ll be right back,” I told him, “And then we can figure out where you’re hurting?”

I went to the bathroom and filled the bathroom glass up with water. It would quench Dan’s thirst and he could get something more interesting when we went through to the kitchen for lunch. By the time I got back to him, he had sat up on the bed and was ready to take the water from me.

“You’re sitting up?” I said, surprised, “What is it that’s sore?”

“It was a struggle,” Dan admitted, “It’s my thigh and butt muscles. I’m not sure why; I guess we just had a slightly different angle from sometimes?”

I sat down next to Dan and pulled him onto my lap as he started to drink his water. I slipped my hands under his thighs and gently rubbed against the muscles there, but I knew I couldn’t do much with him sitting like this.

“I think getting you in the bath wouldn’t hurt,” I told him, “We’re both a bit sticky and it’ll help that ease off. We can get lunch after.”

Dan took me up on my suggestion, so I made my way back through to the bathroom to get the bath running. I poured in some sweet scented bubble bath and made sure the water was nice and cosy. When the bath was ready, I helped Dan up and through to the bathroom. He could walk, but he seemed to be finding things a bit uncomfortable, so I gave him a hand.

I joined Dan in the bath for a while, helping him to relax and getting us both clean. Eventually I decided that I could go and start getting lunch ready and leave Dan to relax a bit longer. In the kitchen, dressed in only a towel, I made us both sandwiches, some coffee for myself and some Ribena for Dan. I loaded them onto a tray and brought them through to the bedroom, thinking we could have lunch in bed.

I laid the tray down on a cabinet and took in the state of the bed. The duvet was a bit sticky from our earlier activities, but everything else seemed to be acceptable. We’d change the sheets properly later, but for the moment I grabbed a couple of fleecey blankets to make the bed cosy at the moment.

Dan must’ve heard my moving about, as I heard him getting out of the bath and a few moments later, he appeared in the bathroom doorway in his own towel.

“How are things feeling?” I asked him, “Did that bath help?”

“A lot better actually,” Dan nodded happily, “Like I’m still a little achy and still a little on edge from earlier… but yeah, better.”

“D’you want to come sit down and we’ll have some lunch?” I asked him, “I made sandwiches.”

Dan dried himself off a little, then we both settled back on the bed, amongst the blankets. I lifted the tray of food onto our laps and encouraged Dan to get dug in. As we ate, I noticed that Dan was showing a number of his anxious symptoms, nibbling at his food in small bites, not eating the crusts, which I knew he didn’t mind and generally not eating as much as usual. I didn’t feel the need to call him out on his behaviour, because I knew he would still be feeling sensitive. Instead, I just accepted when he had given up and took the remaining sandwiches to put away in the fridge for later.

We spent a bit longer cuddling before we actually got up properly. We were both naked, Dan sitting in my lap, but we were able to control ourselves. Dan was still very open from earlier, but despite the intimacy of our nakedness, we weren’t planning any other sexual activities any time soon.

“I feel really safe like this,” Dan told me once more, “I feel good and happy and I’m almost able to put behind me what nearly happened a few hours ago.”

“Good,” I said, my voice soft and caring, “You’re doing so well; I’m proud of you.”

–

Later in the day, I went through Dan’s shorts and removed all the ones marked as extra small or below a certain waist size. Most people would probably try them on, but I was confident these wouldn’t fit him and I wanted to save him from any further anxiety. There were a couple of pairs I thought might still fit him, which I’d go through with him later.

We should probably go clothes shopping though, to get him some new clothes for the summer and make sure we had what we needed in preparation for our honeymoon when the time came. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if Dan had been clothes shopping since I’d met him. I wondered if that was an issue with his body image, so I’d approach the topic carefully.

I brought it up with him in the evening, once we’d established that he only had one pair of shorts that fit. We’d go clothes shopping tomorrow and I’d help him pick out some new things. He did admit that clothes shopping really didn’t make him feel good, but he understood that it had more or less become unavoidable.

–

The next morning, as we ate breakfast, my first priority was to check in on Dan’s anxiety levels and see if he was feeling up to going clothes shopping.

“How are you feeling this morning?” I asked him, “Like anxiety-wise? Any issues?”

“Pretty good,” Dan told me, happily, “Like I’ve recovered from yesterday and I feel fine at the moment. I don’t know how I’ll be trying on clothes, but I’m willing to give it a go.”

“Okay, great,” I said, enthusiastically, “Well I’m thinking we’ll just get ready and then head out; is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Dan nodding, taking a sip of his juice.

When we were finished, we tidied our breakfast stuff away and then got ourselves ready to go. It would be good to get the shopping over and done with early in the day, meaning we’d have longer to ourselves later on. I didn’t really have any idea how long we would be, but I had a strong feeling we would be in town until lunchtime at least.

I drove us there, parking in a car park near to the majority of the shops. We could easily have walked or taken public transport, but I preferred to be able to get Dan home quickly if I needed to. I hadn’t asked him or anything, but I had the feeling that having the car probably made things easier on him.

The first shop we visited, I ended up helping pick things out for Dan to try on. He had arrived  in front of a rack of shorts, looking a bit overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. I studied the various styles, knowing that Dan, contrary to his own beliefs, was really quite skinny. Shorts with wider legs might drown him, but equally I didn’t want him having anything too skintight as yesterday suggested that could be an issue. In the end we settled on three styles for him to try on, each in two sizes so we could see what was the better fit.

Dan also had a couple of t-shirts to try on; those seemed to be less on an issue for him to pick out. Soon enough, we’d browsed through enough of the shop and were heading for the fitting room. I followed behind Dan, nobody giving me a second glance. I’d initially thought I was just there for moral support and to give him opinions, but he pulled me into the cubicle with him.

“You don’t want me to wait outside?” I questioned, a little surprised.

“I’d rather have you in here, if that’s okay?” Dan admitted a little timidly.

“Of course; I just wasn’t expecting that,” I explained, hanging my coat up on one of the many hooks as it was warm and we could be in here a while.

I let Dan get on with trying on the clothes, sitting myself down on the bench to keep out the way. He looked good in all the shorts and I made sure to tell him this, but in the end, we only left with two out of the three styles… and the t-shirts. However, that was still good progress.

In the second shop, Dan seemed to have found an ounce of confidence from somewhere and was now picking out shorts himself. I had slight reservations about one pair and how they would make Dan feel, but it was his call, so I’d let him try them on. Again he had a couple of t-shirts, but he hadn’t been shopping in a long time, so he was needing a wardrobe update.

We headed for the fitting room, but this time the employee at the entrance wasn’t for letting me through with Dan.

“Sir, you don’t have anything to try on?” the man said, putting his arm out in front of me to discourage me from going any further.

“Can I not go with him to see the stuff he’s trying on?” I asked, confused.

“No, policy says you have to be trying on something to be in the fitting rooms,” the man said firmly.

“Alright then,” I said, a slight challenging tone in my voice as I had an idea.

I picked out a random shirt to try on, not one I particularly liked, but the man didn’t need to know that. This time, as I headed for the fitting rooms, he had no choice but to let me through.

I headed around the corner, knowing that Dan would be somewhere along here, but not knowing which changing room he’d be in.

“Dan?” I called out, not too loudly, but hopefully loud enough that he’d hear.

“I’m in here,” his voice responding, a foot sticking out from under a cubicle door further down.

I walked the remaining few paces to Dan’s cubicle and stuck my foot under the door, “Hi, I’m here; you gonna let me in?”

“Sure, two seconds,” Dan said, making some rustling noises, and after a couple of moments, unlocking the door.

Dan was standing there in the particular pair of shorts I was less sure on, and a t-shirt. Now, don’t get me wrong, the shorts looked good on him - in fact, they looked amazing - but they were quite tight fitting and I didn’t know how Dan would deal with that.

“Mmm, you look good,” I told him, shamelessly checking out his arse.

“I don’t know Phil, I think these make me look fat,” Dan said, pulling at the hem of the shorts, proving my suspicions correct.

“They don’t Dan; they’re just a bit more tight fitting and than the others you’ve had on,” I told him, trying to give him the assurance he needed. “They’re different, but I like them on you. Turn around?”

“They make your butt look really good,” I told him, appreciating the better angle I had on it now.

“You think?” Dan asked, curiously.

“Yup,” I said, pulling him into a hug with one arm and patting his butt with the other, “Real good.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, uncertainty in his voice, “I’ll try the rest on and think about them. I believe you when you say they look good and I want to be a little more adventurous, so maybe I’ll give them a go.”

In the end, Dan did buy the shorts and I was proud of him for taking that step. He might not be completely comfortable with them, but that was something we could work on. Maybe it would be a case of getting him wearing them around the house first to get used to them.

Upon leaving the shop, I noticed that Dan seemed a little jittery and unsettled, so now seemed like the perfect time to take a break from shopping and get something to drink. I took him to a nearby coffee shop, thinking he could get a hot chocolate or something while I got a coffee.

“Hot chocolate?” I asked, presuming but not wanting to go as far as ordering for him without his approval.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Dan nodded, “No cream or marshmallows or anything though.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “D’you want anything to eat?”

Dan looked at the glorious display of cakes in front of him, paled slightly and shook his head.

“D’you want to find us a seat and I’ll order?” I asked him, thinking that would probably be best for him.

“Okay,” Dan nodded, stepping away from me and heading across the café.

The person in front of me moved along to wait for their order, letting me into to order for me and Dan.

“Hi, can I get a regular hot chocolate and a soya milk cappuccino?” I requested.

“Okay,” the lady nodded, scribbling down on her notepad, “Cream or marshmallows with the hot chocolate?”

“No, neither,” I told her, resulting in another scribble in the notepad.

“And d’you want chocolate on the cappucino?” she queried.

“Yes,” I nodded, knowing that even if there was any milk in the chocolate powder, it wouldn’t be enough to cause me a problem.

“Okay,” the barista nodded, “And anything else?”

“Are any of your cakes dairy free?” I asked, interested in the selection, but not actually knowing if I could eat any of them. There were cakes, tarts, doughnuts, pies, cupcakes, scones and even some things I couldn’t identify.

“The caramel tart, the banana bread and the lemon meringue pie,” she told me, confidently, pointing out these cakes.

“Right,” I nodded, having a hard time deciding between the caramel tart and the lemon meringue pie, “I’ll have… the caramel tart.”

It was my sweet tooth that had decided for me in the end, but also caramel went better coffee, so it was a good decision I had come to. I finalised my order, paid, and moved along to wait for our order. A couple of minutes later, I was heading to find Dan, carrying the tray one handed without any thought and getting a few funny looks.

“Hey,” I said, noticing Dan looked a little spaced out as I set his drink down in front of him, “You okay?”

“I think so; I’ve just been feeling a little anxious since that last shop,” Dan admitted, slowly wrapping his hands around the mug in front of him.

“That’s why I brought us in here,” I admitted, sitting down next to him, “I thought you were looking a little off and that a rest and a drink would maybe do you good.”

“I think you noticed before I did then,” Dan said, laughing slightly, “Also, are you sure you didn’t just come in for the cake? What have you got anyway?”

“It’s a caramel tart,” I told him, picking it up and digging my teeth into it, “Mmm, it’s good.”

“Can I check you remembered to order your coffee with soya milk?” Dan asked me, looking mildly worried for a moment.

“Yup,” I said cheerily, “And there’s no milk in the tart either.”

“Okay, great,” Dan said, relaxing back into the seat.

Dan went quiet after that, sipping his hot chocolate slowly, still looking a bit anxious. I put an arm around him and pulled him into my side slightly, “Try and relax a little.”

I followed Dan’s gaze to a small child eating a doughnut; I wondered if that was bothering him.

“Hey,” I said, trying to get his attention back, “Dan, look at me?”

It took Dan a moment to realise I had spoken, then he turned slowly back towards me, “What?”

“Is that bothering you?” I asked, nodding in the direction of the child with the doughnut.

“A little, yeah,” Dan confirmed, “Like not majorly, but I just feel a bit on edge.”

“Just focus on your hot chocolate, okay?” I said, the arm around his back tightening slightly, in protectiveness, wanting him to feel safe, “Let me know if you need anything?”

I finished my coffee and my cake, then waited for Dan to finish his drink. In the end, he didn’t, leaving a little in the bottom of the mug, but I got that; sometimes the hot chocolate powder concentrated at the bottom and made the final bit too strong to drink. I tidied up our stuff and took the tray over to the trolley you were to leave them in. I returned to Dan, who was fiddling nervously with his coat as he stood, waiting for me to return.

I wasn’t quite ready to call it a day just yet; I’d keep an eye on Dan for a bit longer and see, maybe go to one more shop. I found a couple of things in this third shop, but all Dan showed interest in was new socks. I was eyeing up a hoodie, which I didn’t really need and turned to ask Dan’s opinion on it, only to find he was a few racks away, staring into space.

I walked over to him, saying his name and waving my hand in front of him to get his attention, “Dan?”

“Yeah?” Dan said, jumping slightly.

“C’mon, let’s go pay and then we’re going to head home,” I said to him, taking his hand and his packet of socks and walking us towards the checkouts.

“Why? I thought we were going to a few more shops after this?” Dan asked, sounding confused.

“Dan honestly, you’re not feeling it anymore, are you?” I asked softly.

This was clearly the cue Dan needed to show me how he was feeling, suddenly resting his head on my shoulder and sniffing tiredly. I nuzzled my face against him to reciprocate, hoping to comfort him a little.

“Next please,” a call from a checkout operator startled us out of our little bubble as we were next.

My hand not leaving Dan’s, we walked down to the checkout and I rather unceremoniously dumped our about-to-be-purchases onto the counter. I didn’t engage in any small talk with the employee, making fast work of packing the stuff into a bag and paying with contactless to get us out of there faster.

“C’mon, let’s go home; we’ve done well today,” I told Dan, as I sorted out our varying shopping bags and took his hand again.

We walked back to the car park and instantly found my little yellow Corsa. I shoved all the shopping into the backseat, then did the door for Dan as he got in. I made my way around to the driver’s side and got in myself.

“Before we go, do you need anything?” I asked Dan, “Do you feel like you’re going to have a panic attack or is this something else?”

“I don’t think so,” Dan said miserably, “Can we just go home?”

“Yes, of course,” I said, starting the engine and putting the car into reverse.

Balancing the clutch and the accelerator, I slowly backed out of the space, then slipped the car into first. The road we had to turn into from the carpark was busy and it was quite a while before we managed to get a gap. I drove us home, clearly keeping an eye on the road, but with the occasional glance towards Dan to make sure he was doing okay. He’d been sitting quietly with his eyes shut, but I wasn’t too worried about that.

It was once we were back at our flat, parked in our parking space, that I noticed Dan was breathing slightly heavily. He still had his eyes shut, which I’d expected him to open after we’d stopped.

“You okay, Dan?” I asked, as something clearly wasn’t right.

“Headache,” Dan said glumly, blindly reaching a hand out towards me.

I reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently, “How long have you had it? How bad?”

“It kinda started when I had the hot chocolate but it wasn’t bad then and it’s just got worse and worse,” Dan explained, holding his other hand against his head.

“Right, I’m going to come around and give you a hand,” I told him, “And don’t worry about the shopping, I’ll come back for it.”

I took the keys from the ignition, got out and made my way around to Dan’s side. I opened the door for him, then bent over a little to look in.

“I’m afraid you’re going to need to open your eyes for a bit,” I told him, “But you’re heading for a dark room and some paracetamol so it’ll be worth it.”

Dan opened his eyes, crinkling his brow uncomfortable and looking out at me. I moved back to give him a little space, but then bringing my arms supportively around him once he was up. Once he was steady on his feet, I shut the door behind him and locked the car. I brought my arm around his waist and the two of us started to walk towards our building. Getting Dan up the stairs wasn’t a problem as he could walk fine, but I stayed right by his side in case things were to change.

Once inside the flat, I took Dan straight to our bedroom, depositing him by the bed and allowing him to flop onto it, while I went to shut the curtains.

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to get you paracetamol and some water,” I told him, feeling bad about leaving him, but knowing it was for the best.

I was back with Dan in under a minute, a mug of water in one hand and a strip of paracetamol in the other.

I sat down on the bed next to him, “Hey, you want to sit up so you can take these?”

Groaning, Dan pushed himself up and bumped me, almost spilling the water in the process. Once he was sorted, I handed the mug to him and popped out the tablets for him. Dan swallowed them like a pro; in the absence of a panic attack making his throat feel tight he was quite good at swallowing pills. Dan handed me the mug back and flopped backwards onto the bed. I laid the mug down on a bedside table, figuring out what else I could do for him.

“Maybe take your jeans off and get yourself under the duvet?” I suggested, wanting him to be comfortable.

“Can you?” Dan asked, mumbling a bit.

With that permission, I helped Dan to get his jeans off and tossed them across the room. I then pulled down the duvet underneath him, before replacing it on top of him. I moved the pillow down the bed to where his head had landed and helped him slide it underneath.

“You get some rest,” I told him, “We’ve had a successful morning but it was maybe just a bit much.”

I sat by Dan’s side and held one of his hands between mine, wanting to comfort him with some contact, but still allowing me to get away once he was asleep.

“How long can I sleep?” Dan asked, “Will you wake me?”

“I’m gonna let you sleep for as long as you need, but I’ll make sure you’re up for dinner,” I told him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Thanks,” Dan said, almost sounding a little tearful.

I sat still and quiet by Dan’s side, holding his hand until he fell asleep. I’d say it took about twenty minutes for him to get to sleep, in which time he gradually looked less uncomfortable - that would be the painkillers working. When I was satisfied he was fast asleep, I slowly let go of his hand and got off the bed, making my movements as slow and precise as possible so as not to disturb him.

I left the room and shut the door over behind me, enough to block out the light from the hallway, but leaving it open a crack so I’d hear Dan when he awoke. I decided that while it was fresh on my mind, I should go down and get our shopping from the car. Grabbing my keys, I shut the flat door quietly behind me and made my way quickly down the stairs. I grabbed the shopping bags, which were no effort on their own, but I’d wanted both hands free earlier to help Dan. In a similar manner, I hurried back up the stairs, not feeling at ease with leaving Dan in the flat alone when he wasn’t feeling his best.

I plopped the shopping bags down in the hallway for the time being, not wanting to disturb Dan when I didn’t have to. Spotting the time, I decided that I’d go and make myself something for lunch. Dan would be missing out, but I felt it was more important that he slept off the headache and I’d make sure that he had a decent dinner when the time came.

After a quick bowl of pasta, I got on with my afternoon. I had a cooking video for my youtube channel to edit, so I decided to make a start on that. With no distractions, as Dan was sound asleep in the other room, I got stuck into my work and before I knew it, it had got to half past five. I would put dinner on, then go to wake up Dan, as he’d been asleep for over five hours.

We were having a chicken roast, so that would take about an hour in the oven. I’d do some vegetables with it eventually, but I wouldn’t need to put those on until nearer the time. After waiting for the oven to heat and putting the piece of meat in, I made my way to our bedroom. The door was still how I left it and Dan was still asleep in bed.

I crept in, shutting the door over behind me again and slowly sitting down on the bed. I pulled the duvet down from on top of Dan’s head and brushed his hair out of his face.

“Dan,” I said, squeezing his shoulder slightly, “It’s time to get up.”

After a minute or so of gentle touches and nudges and talking to him, I eventually got a response. Dan groaned, rolling onto his stomach and burying his face in the pillow.

“You’ve got to get up, love,” I told him, “It’s half past five and I’ve got dinner on.”

“Waaiiit, how long’d I sleep?” Dan mumbled sleepily.

“Like five or six hours,” I told him, rubbing my hand up and down his arm, “How are you feeling?”

Dan was quiet for a few moments, probably thinking about it before he responded, “Okay, yeah. My head seems fine now.”

“Well I think you should sit up, I’m going to open the curtains a little and let you adjust slowly,” I told him.

I got up from the bed to crack open the curtains a little, then returned to Dan’s side, leaning back against the headboard and motioning for him to come up next to me and do the same. With the encouragement, he was soon up next to me, my arm around his back and his head resting on my shoulder.

“Are you doing okay mentally?” I asked him, keeping my voice low, “You seemed a bit anxious earlier before the headache got to you.”

“I was a bit, but I’m okay now, thanks,” Dan said, nuzzling his head against me slightly. “Sorry if I’m super cuddly, I’m just feeling a little uhh… cuddly… I guess.”

“It’s fine Dan, I love when you’re being cuddly,” I told him, with a chuckle, “Like cuddles are one of my favourite things to be honest. Kissing is good, sex is good, but there’s something about cuddling which makes me feel all warm and happy inside.”

“Okay, I’m glad,” Dan told me, “I feel that way too.”

“How about…” I proposed, “After we’ve eaten, we could play a board game maybe, then get to bed early and cuddle?”

“That sounds good,” Dan nodded, a smile growing on his face, “What if I can’t sleep though?”

“I’m willing to bet we’ll stay up talking as we cuddle,” I told him, “And you never have any problems with too much sleep; it’ll do you good.”

When my timer went off to tell me it was time to put the veggies in, I persuaded Dan out of bed and to come through with me. He leant on the counter, watching me as I sorted out the vegetables. He looked fine now and I didn’t feel like there was anything to worry about. The shopping was maybe a little bit much for Dan and he was prone to headaches anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. Everyone had bad days now and then, but we could get through it and that was what mattered.

As promised, after we’d both had our fill of food, we sat down to play a board game. It was something we both enjoyed but didn’t often do as we usually ended up watching TV instead. Tonight, however, I felt like it was best for Dan not to be watching a screen for hours. If there was anything to bring a headache back, it would be that.

Our evening ended in a warm bath together and then plenty of time cuddling in bed before we actually went to sleep. Dan was clinging to me, like a koala to a tree, and I actually found it quite adorable. He was warm and having him nestled in my arms felt right. Although there was nothing to protect him from, I felt protective and I hoped, that as a result, Dan felt safe.


	35. Because You Loved Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is an important chapter, and I guess it might make you cry in a happy way (there’s your warning to get the tissues!) The song ‘Because You Loved Me’ by Celine Dion will be important near the end of the chapter, so [here is a youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq8TasNsgKw) if you want to listen along.

**Dan’s POV:**

Phil and I were getting married tomorrow and the nerves had finally hit me at full force. I knew that there was nothing for me to worry about, but try telling that to my anxiety. I’d never been good with nerves; I remember nights of no sleep before school shows and those weren’t particularly life-changing events. Tonight, to follow tradition, Phil and I would be apart. He was going to his parents house for the night and would get ready there in the morning. I was staying in our flat, with my parents and Louise joining me.

My parents would be taking the spare room for the night and Louise would be taking Phil’s spot in our bed. Louise, Phil and I had had a conversation and decided that this would be the best plan. Neither of us wanted me to be bothered my anxiety, but this was the sort of thing that could cause a flare up and we all thought it best that Louise was on hand to help if required. We didn’t have any problems with the bed sharing; we were all close enough friends for that, but Phil and I had made sure to put clean sheets on at least.

Phil had left mid afternoon, needing time to prepare himself for tomorrow and get settled at his parents house for the night. He left me with a kiss and a little squeeze, “I’m gonna miss you, but it’ll be worth it for tomorrow. I know we’re doing this tradition, but I’m still only a phone call away if you need me.”

After dinner, as I sat on the sofa, going over my vows with Louise, I was replaying Phil’s voice in my head to try and calm myself down. My chest was feeling a bit tight and I knew that was my anxiety trying to take its hold.

“I-I think I need to go for a walk,” I told Louise, slightly choking out the words.

“Who with? Or alone?” Louise asked me, gently squeezing my arm with her hand.

“Could you come?” I asked, “I’m feeling a bit anxious and I think some fresh air would help, but I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course,” Louise nodded, “Go and put shoes and a jumper on and I’ll do the same. Make sure you’ve got your meds with you.”

“Okay,” I nodded, heading to my room to get a hoodie as the evening had cooled off slightly. A minute or so later, I was by the door, my phone in one pocket, and keys and medication in the other.

Louise joined me a minute later, “Okay, you good to go? Got everything?”

“Yup,” I nodded, pulling my tablets and keys out my pocket to show her.

“Great,” she nodded, opening the door and following me out.

We took a short walk around the neighbourhood, neither of us really saying much. I was focusing on my breathing, knowing that was important in keeping myself calm. I think Louise recognised what I was doing and let me focus on it. When we arrived back at the flat, she asked me if I was ready to go back in. I still had a lot of things on my mind, but I nodded, not really sure what was best for me now.

“I think I’m gonna have an early night,” I told Louise and my parents once we were back in the living room. “Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”

“Good plan,” Louise agreed, my parents nodding along, “Have you got your alarms all set for the morning?”

“Yup,” I nodded, but getting my phone out anyway to double check.

“Okay, you try and get some sleep; I’ll do my best not to disturb you when I come in later,” Louise told me, “And remember, any issues with your anxiety, you’re to wake me up?”

“Yes,” I nodded, remembering what Phil, Louise and I had agreed on earlier.

I said goodnight to Louise and my parents, before making my way to the bedroom to get ready for bed. I changed into my pyjamas, brushed my teeth, made sure my anxiety medicine was in the bathroom in case I needed it, then climbed under the covers. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep well, and as I lay there, I wondered whether a cup of tea would’ve helped calm my nerves. However, it was too late now; I had brushed my teeth and got comfortable.

I felt Louise joining me a couple of hours later. I’d drifted in and out of sleep, never quite managing to fall into a deep sleep. My nerves were getting increasingly strong and slowly morphing with my dreams, turning them into nightmares. I guess I should’ve known it was coming, but when I woke up about three-thirty having a panic attack, I didn’t know what to do. I mumbled Phil’s name, hoping to wake him, have him help me. It took a few moments for me to remember that Phil wasn’t here and that it was Louise next to me.

Realising I was slightly on my own here, as Louise was fast asleep, I got up and stumbled my way into the bathroom, my heart threatening to escape my chest and my panicked breathing mixing with tears and uncontrollable sobs. I grabbed my anxiety meds from next to the sink, got a tablet into my hand and forced myself to take a few deep breaths. I was so anxious I felt sick and I needed to calm myself a little before I could try and swallow a pill.

I guess I took a breath that was too big and it caught in my throat, waves of nausea suddenly hitting me and causing me to fall to my knees in front of the toilet. I was throwing up before I could do anything to stop myself, the pill now growing sweaty in my hand. I rested my head on the toilet seat, feeling awful. I knew Phil would’ve felt this, probably waking him up and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin tomorrow for him. Emotion overwhelmed me again and soon I was crying loudly, feeling so weak and unable to anything about it.

I forced my tablet into my mouth and tried to swallow, but all I succeeded in doing was irritating my gag reflex further, causing it to end up in the toilet with the rest of my dinner. I hugged the toilet bowl, needing something to grasp onto. I wanted Phil, but he was too far away.

I didn’t really hear her coming until she was in the doorway saying my name, but I seemed to have awoken Louise.

“Dan,” she said softly, “Are you okay?”

“No,” I croaked, not even moving my head from the toilet seat to look at her.

“Okay, Dan,” she said, coming over, flushing the toilet and standing beside me, “What’s happened? Have you taken your medication?”

“I had a nightmare, I guess…” I choked, in explanation, “And I tried, but it made me gag and throw up more.”

I watched from the corner of my eye as Louise filled the bathroom glass with water from the sink. She brought it over to me, and after asking permission to touch me, pressed the glass into my hand, “Try and work on your breathing, wash your mouth out if you need to. I’m going to call Phil… I think you need him… then I’ll be back to help.”

Louise only went as far as the doorway to make the call, while I remained gripping onto the toilet for dear life, shaking as I tried to lift the water to my mouth. I hoped Phil would be here soon; I knew Louise could help me, but at the moment there was nothing I wanted more than my soulmate to hold me and tell me things that were going to be okay.

–

**Phil’s POV:**

I was already out of bed and rushing into some clothes when Louise phoned me. I had felt Dan throw up and while I didn’t know it was a panic attack until Louise confirmed it, I had a fair idea. I instantly regretted leaving Dan tonight; he needed me and I wasn’t there. Maybe I should’ve thought more about Dan’s anxiety and how this would combine with nerves.

“Phil, I think you need to come here,” Louise had told me.

“Yeah, I felt him throw up,” I’d told her, “Panic attack?”

“Yeah,” Louise had confirmed my suspicions, “I got woken up by him throwing up; I’m guessing you did too?”

“Yup and I’m getting my clothes on right now,” I explained, “I just need to grab my keys, write my parents a note and let myself out, then I’ll be on my way. Has he taken his medication?”

“He tried, but threw up trying to swallow it,” Louise told me, “He hasn’t tried again.”

“Okay, I’ll be round there as quick as I can,” I nodded, “Just try and help him breathe for the moment?”

“Okay, well I’ll see you soon,” Louise told me, “I’ll do my best to keep him together in the meantime. Drive safely.”

I ended the call with Louise, scribbled my parents a quick note explaining the situation, grabbed my keys and headed out to the car. I drove the familiar route back to mine and Dan’s flat, making it in good time with the roads being deserted. I ran up the stairs to our flat, not really caring that I’d be out of breath. My worry for Dan was too strong and all I wanted was to be by his side.

I let myself in, shouted hello and hurried through our bedroom into the ensuite. Dan was sat in front of the toilet with Louise by his side, a hand on his back. I could see that they were trying to work on some breathing together, but Dan still looked in quite a state of panic, tears running down his face.

“Hey,” I said softly, announcing my arrival as I sat down next to him, “I’m here.”

My arm joined Louise’s around his back and he gradually leaned into my touch. He was shaking; he looked like he’d sweat through his pyjama top and his breathing was clearly forced. I sat my other hand in the middle of his chest and I could feel his heart pounding way too fast. He desperately needed his medication, but in the state he was in, that would be difficult. He was managing to control his breathing for the time being, but I wanted to make him a little more comfortable before he tried again.

“Louise, could you open the window?” I asked her, now that Dan had fully leaned into me, “Dan, can I take your shirt off?”

With a yes from Louise and a small nod of approval for Dan, I lifted the shirt up and over his head. His skin was damp and clammy, which I knew couldn’t feel comfortable, so while Louise was up, I asked her to wet a facecloth with lukewarm water and pass it to me. I got Dan cooled off a bit, wiping his face and the sweatier patches of his chest. All the while he was leaning against me, using me as support. Louise refilled the glass with water and set it down on the floor for when Dan was ready to try again.

I’d found that if I could get Dan to relax, even just for a few moments, that would help him to get the tablet down. I moved so that I had a leg either side of him, and encouraged him back into my arms. I slowly rubbed my hand over Dan’s chest, in time with his breathing, my other hand pushing his hair back off his forehead.

“You’re gonna be okay,” I mumbled to him, “Just keep breathing with me and we’ll get your medication sorted in a minute.”

Although he was far from okay, I managed to get Dan into a relaxed enough state that I felt he would manage to swallow a pill. I got Louise to get them down from the sink, picked one out and handed it to Dan. I handed him the water too, but let my hand join his on the glass.

“When you’re ready,” I said softly, keeping up my comforting movements.

Dan breathed in and out a couple more times, before lifting the tablet and the glass to his lips and going for it. Sometimes it just took a little bravery to get these things over with. It didn’t go down easily, but Dan got the pill down, coughing and spluttering for a minute afterwards.

“Well done,” I told him, giving him a mini hug in celebration.

While the medication would take its time to kick in, Dan obviously felt some relief at having taken it, flopping into my arms tiredly. He was still breathing heavily and I could still feel his heart pounding, but he was allowing himself to relax a little. It was like he had just run a sprint race and now he was recovering, trying to slow his heart rate and catch his breath.

“You’re going to be okay,” I told him, rubbing my hand up and down his chest slowly, “You’re doing good with your breathing, so let’s try and keep that up.”

I kept quiet apart from the odd few encouraging words to Dan, wanting him to be able to focus on his recovery. Things would improve soon, but in the meantime I kept my shaking groom in a close, supportive embrace. Louise was standing by, silently, but I didn’t want to break mine and Dan’s little bubble to speak to her just yet.

I didn’t notice Dan’s shaking turning to shivering until I felt the goosebumps on his skin. He’d cooled off now, and from experience I knew he got cold very quickly.

“Louise,” I said, thankful she was here to help out, “Could you maybe shut the window and grab a blanket?”

It only took moments for her to close the window and return with a blanket. I took the blanket from her and spread it over dan, pulling it up to his neck and tucking it in at his sides. Dan continued to shake for a while longer, the combination of the anxiety and now being cold.

“We’ll get you back to bed soon, but I want to make sure you’re definitely okay first,” I told him, tightening my hug slightly and resting my head lovingly on his shoulder.

“‘M starting to feel a bit better,” Dan mumbled to me, not sounding so short of breath anymore.

“Good,” I mumbled in response, “We’ll stay like this for another few minutes though, if that’s okay with you?”

“That’s fine,” Dan murmured, “Not sure I’m quite ready to get up yet.”

I sat with Dan in my arms for five or ten minutes, doing my best to look after him while the medication started to work. I could feel that his body was starting to calm down properly, his breathing slowly sounding more normal, the beating of his heart less obvious. He wasn’t going to be okay in an instant, that would take time, but he was getting there. I was starting to consider getting him up soon and maybe giving him a little wash before getting him back to bed. It would help him a lot if he was comfortable, and I knew that at the moment he was probably still sticky with sweat and sick.

“I think we should get you cleaned up and back to bed,” I told him, “How d’you feel about that?”

“Uhh okay, I guess,” Dan said, sounding a little unsure, “Will you be leaving again…?”

“No, no, of course not,” I hurriedly assured him, “I’m not leaving you like this. I’m going to stay with you for the rest of the night. I will have to leave early in the morning, but I’m staying with you now.”

“Thanks,” Dan nodded, sounding a little tearful again.

“Okay,” I started, planning out what needed to be done, “Louise, could you head back into the bedroom or something so I can give Dan a little wash? Dan, I’m going to fill the sink up; d’you want to get naked and come over with the bathmat?”

I slowly slipped out from behind Dan, grabbed the bubble bath and went to fill up the sink. He’d have a shower in the morning, so he didn’t need much, but I knew he’d appreciate the little freshen up. With a splash of bubble bath for its cleaning properties, I got the sink filled with hot water and soon Dan was standing next to me on the bathmat.

I handed him a washcloth, so he could help if he wanted, and got started myself on him with the warm water. It didn’t take long, only a couple of minutes to go over his body, after which I was wrapping him in a towel. He looked too exhausted to be on his feet much longer, so I handed him mouthwash instead of his toothbrush. He freshened up his mouth quickly, before nudging into my side.

“Right, let’s go back to our room now and get you fresh PJs,” I told him, putting my arm around him as we walked back through there.

Louise was sitting on the bed on her phone, clearly waiting for us because she wasn’t sure what to do. I pulled a pair of pyjamas out for Dan and let him put them on. He pulled the bottoms up under his towel to save himself hiding from Louise.

“What’s your plan?” Louise asked, “I’ll take the sofa and let you have your spot back next to Dan.”

I instantly felt bad about Louise sleeping on the sofa, but there wasn’t really much option.

“I feel bad about you sleeping on the sofa, but yeah, sorry, there’s not really anything I can do,” I apologised.

“Phil, you don’t need to apologise,” Louise said firmly, “Dan needs you and I’m absolutely fine on a sofa for the rest of the night. I’ll go, let you two get your heads down, because you’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” I said to her, as she headed out the bedroom door, “And thank you so much for taking care of Dan for me. We all hoped this wouldn’t happen, but I’m thankful he had you to help him.”

“It’s no problem,” Louise said, blushing, “Honestly.”

I said goodnight to Louise and turned my attention fully to Dan the moment the door had closed. He was clinging to me, looking tired and miserable. He was still shaking a little, so I decided to go full on bear-hug on him.

“You’re okay,” I told him, hugging him, “You get into bed, I’ll find some PJs and join you in a second, okay.”

As I released him from my arms, Dan stumbled over and got into my side of the bed. It was closer and he was tired, so I understood. I quickly removed my hastily thrown on clothes and swapped them for pyjamas, slipping into bed next to Dan. I immediately cuddled up next to him, putting my arms around him.

“That tradition is completely out of the window now, so just whatever you need, I’m right here,” I told him.

Dan nodded into my chest, sniffling a little. He was a bit emotional, but I understood that.

“You don’t need to be nervous,” I reminded him, “This is just a formality. You know me and you’ll know almost everyone there; they all love you. I know you can’t shake nerves just like that, but you’re my soulmate and nothing’s going to change that. We’re basically already married but without the ceremony or the piece of paper. I know you’re still feeling anxious, but the best thing for you right now is sleep. I’ll be right by your side until the morning and I’ll let you know before I go.”

Dan didn’t say anything, instead letting a few tears out and into my chest. I held him, softly rubbing his back, knowing there wasn’t much I could do now other than to be there for him.

–

I had to leave early in the morning and I hated waking Dan, but I knew it had to be done. There was no way I could leave him without saying some final words of comfort. It took a couple of minutes for me to wake him, but when he was conscious enough, I gave him a little kiss and did my best to remind him that everything would be okay. I’d let him go back to sleep for a bit longer, but it was important that I said goodbye.

Louise was up already, which was a relief. I could rely on her to make sure Dan got up when he needed to. I joined her in the living room for a little chat, thanking her again for all that she had done last night.

“Thank you so much for taking care of him last night,” I told her. “You’re just who he needs to get through this morning. Make sure he takes his antidepressants once he’s up and try and get him to eat something. It doesn’t need to be much, but don’t force him if he’s struggling. If he’s too nervous, he will throw it back up. Final thing, make one hundred percent sure that he has his beta blockers in his pocket.”

“I will,” Louise said, with an air of confidence that I trusted completely, “How likely d’you think he is to have a panic attack, given last night?”

“I honestly have no idea,” I admitted, “He’s been really good recently, but I can see that he’s incredibly nervous at the moment. I’m hoping last night won’t ruin the day for him too much, but I can’t say for sure. All I can do is hope he’ll be okay, but it’s absolutely essential that he has those pills with him in case he’s not.”

With those final few words to Louise and again insisting that she call if Dan needed me, I left to head back to my parents house. I had quite a bit of getting ready to do. I needed to shower, do my hair to perfection, get my suit on and go over my vows and the speech again with my brother. Dan too would have a lot to do, but I had faith that Louise would be able to get him through it.

–

Finally, the time came where Dan and I were standing in front of an audience of our family and friends, about to undergo our wedding ceremony. I was feeling a bit nervous now, but I tried to put that behind me to focus on Dan. I could tell he wasn’t feeling great; he was extra pale and was swaying slightly as he stood. The registrar had now begun the ceremony; I knew how it went, but I was struggling to actually focus on all that was being said. Dan looked like he might faint or something and I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with that, given the circumstances.

I brought my arm around him for support, which looked like nothing more than a romantic gesture. Hopefully that would help. The registrar must’ve noticed something was off, because they paused for a second to ask in a hushed voice if everything was okay.

“Could we get chairs?” I asked, hoping that would be enough to resolve the situation.

“Of course,” they replied, and within moments two chairs appeared behind us, ready for us to sit down.

I didn’t personally need a seat, but it kept things looking normal, me sitting next to him and taking his hand. Dan looked relieved to be off his feet and immediately I could see a little colour returning to his face.

“Okay?” I mumbled to him, before the registrar continued.

Dan nodded, giving me a small but nervous smile. He’d be okay.

This little intervention hadn’t taken long and so, the ceremony was able to continue smoothly. Adam and Ethan brought the rings up, theoretically blessing them with some special soulmate good luck. We both said our vows perfectly; Dan was shaking profusely during his, but his words were perfect and they went straight to my heart, making me tear up a little at how far we’d come together.

Everything turned out alright in the end, which was a relief. Now that the ceremony was over and we were officially married, Dan would surely put his nervousness behind him. On the way out of the room, I made sure to support him as much as I could until we found somewhere we could sit down and just talk for a minute about how he was feeling.

I found us a couple of seats near the bar, where I was able to get Dan a glass of water. Champagne was being handed out to everyone, but in his current state, I felt like Dan could do with something soft first before getting started on the alcohol.

“What’s on your mind?” I asked him, “Are you feeling okay now?”

“I think so, yeah,” Dan nodded, “Thanks for getting us seats otherwise I probably would’ve fainted during our vows. I didn’t eat this morning so I’m kinda running off nothing and I was really nervous too and it was all a bit much for me.”

“You can relax now,” I told him, letting out a sigh “And let me grab you a few of those canapés that are going around; we need to get something in you.”

Next time I saw one of the canapé servers, I took a napkin and lined a few up on it. I sat back down by Dan and offered him the first one.

“Phil, please, not yet,” Dan complained, looking at the small piece of food, “I don’t feel good.”

“That’s because you need to eat something,” I told him, pausing the progression of the canapé towards his mouth, “Give it a go at least; the toilets are just through that door if you seriously feel like you’re going to throw up.”

Dan gave in and let me feed the canapé to him. I let him eat it slowly, knowing not to push him on this. I gave him a few minutes, then proceeded to feed him a second one. He admitted that he was starting to feel a bit better, so I knew I had succeeded.

With Dan now seeming to be on the mend, I spoke to his mum, who had been hanging around nearby. She herself had been concerned about Dan, but didn’t feel that too many people had noticed him being a bit off. I explained to her about Dan’s nerves and anxiety; she knew about the events of last night and him not eating this morning, but I was able to tell her a bit more about how Dan had been feeling.

“I’m so proud of you,” she said to Dan, bending down to hug him, “Congratulations! You did so well up there despite all your nerves.”

“Thanks mum,” Dan said, looking a little tearful, “I’m glad everything turned out so well.”

When Dan’s mum pulled back from the hug, I moved in with a handkerchief to dry Dan’s eyes a little. Couldn’t have him looking too tearful in the photographs.

–

Once I had Dan back on his feet, we talked to some of our guests, many of them congratulating us with handshakes and hugs. We socialised for a little bit, before heading outside to take some photos. Thankfully, we had been blessed with good weather, warm temperatures and blue skies. You could never predict British summers.

PJ and a friend of his, a professional photographer, were doing our photos for the day. PJ was a good photographer himself, so he would add a few more friendly, intimate photos into the mix. The two of them worked well together, bouncing ideas off each other, working out the how to get the perfect angles and shots. We got all the generic couple-y photos where we were holding hands, photos where we were kissing, photos where we were just holding each other close. PJ came up with some ideas which were more personal to us; for instance a shot composed of me feeding one of the canapés to Dan. That was a special one because it represented just how far Dan and I had come in our relationship. It was cute, but at the same time there was deep meaning behind it: Dan recovering from his eating disorder and me following my dreams to become a chef.

When the photo session was over; we headed inside again, socialising with our guests once more before the meal. When the staff were organised, we moved back into the function room, which was now set up with tables and chairs for our meal. At the top table, along with Dan and myself, were our parents, Martyn and Louise. Mine and Dan’s parents hadn’t met before now, but they seemed to be getting on well.

My brother, Martyn, had met his soulmate about three weeks ago. He’d been trying to get through a door when a girl came the other way. She said ‘excuse me’, he said ‘sorry, could I just squeeze past’ and the rest was history because destiny had marked out those very words on their arms. It had been a bit last minute, but when I heard of this, I invited Cornelia along to the wedding. It would be a good a time as any for her to meet the family. We put her at the table with Adam and Ethan, PJ and Chris, and some of mine and Phil’s cousins. We maybe could’ve fitted her in better if things hadn’t been so last minute, but she and Martyn insisted that she would be happy sitting wherever.

–

Before the meal could start, it was time for the speeches. There was no set structure for who spoke at a same-sex soulmate wedding, but it would usually be three or four family members and friends. As my best man and brother, Martyn would be talking first, followed up by Louise, Dan’s best woman. Martyn’s speech was kind of what I expected from him, humorous and a bit teasing, but still serious where it needed to be. Louise’s speech was more emotional and inspirational, from a point of view of knowing us both very well.

Dan’s Dad followed up with a short segment, an insight into a younger Dan for those of us who hadn’t known him his whole life. My speech was last, thanking everyone for coming to celebrate with us and inviting them to continue the celebration by eating the forthcoming meal.

For the starter, there was a choice of soup or salad. They’d been made to sound fancy on the menu, but in reality they were simple dishes that I felt would be a good start to the meal. There were four main courses to cater for different tastes and dietary requirements. I was having a steak served with a pour on gravy and vegetables, Dan was having chicken in white wine gravy with roasted vegetables and of course there were options for the vegetarians and vegans amongst us.

Now that Dan’s anxiety had eased off a bit, we’d decided that he’d be okay with a glass of wine. His medication meant that he wasn’t to drink much, but that was all okay as our marriage was something that we wanted to remember clearly. We’d have a drink with our meal and maybe one later if we felt like it; neither of us were that big on drinking anyway.

I’d downed a lot of water once the wedding was over; the nerves and the talking having made my mouth dry. It was only now that I realised how much water I’d had.

In the gap between the main and dessert, I tapped Dan on the shoulder to get his attention back from his mum for a moment, “I’m going the bathroom; I’ll be back in two minutes.”

Dan nodded, but I could see a flash of concern on his face.

“I’m okay; I just need to pee,” I told him, giving him that reassurance quietly so that the whole room didn’t hear.

–

**Dan’s POV:**

When Phil got up to go the bathroom, my first thought was that he’d eaten something he shouldn’t have. However, he clearly picked up on my worry and instantly reassured me that he just needed to pee.

I continued talking to my mum once he’d left, knowing that would keep me distracted until he got back. A good five or ten minutes went by and I started to worry again. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well? Maybe he’d got lost? Maybe he’d got locked in a cubicle? Maybe…

“Dan,” my mum said, interrupting my worries by placing a hand on my shoulder, “You feeling okay?”

“Just anxious,” I told her, knowing I couldn’t cover up how I’d spaced out, “Phil’s been away at the bathroom a while…”

“He’s only been a few minutes, Dan,” she said, moving her hand onto my back, “And he might’ve got talking to one of the guests there; he is quite talkative.”

“I guess,” I nodded, taking a sip of my wine and a few deep breaths to try and calm my mind.

Relief washed through me when Phil stepped back into the room a minute or so later. He made his way back to our table and sat back down in his place next to me.

“I met Adam and Ethan in the toilets,” Phil explained to me, having an instant calming effect, “Ethan had had a little accident with his steak knife, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Is he okay?” I asked, concerned because I could see from Phil’s knife that they were sharp.

“He’s fine,” Phil said, rubbing his hand across my back, “I took the two of them to reception to ask for some first aid stuff and Adam got him sorted out. I’ll tell you the story later, but honestly, you don’t need to worry.”

“Okay,” I nodded, trusting Phil enough to push the worries to the side.

 

–

**Phil’s POV:**

“How’re you feeling about dessert?” I asked Dan. That was something he still struggled with, but a salted caramel tart would be appearing in front of him shortly.

“I’m going to have a little of it,” Dan told me, “And you can have the rest if you want.”

“I might take you up on that,” I laughed, wondering if I’d have space for his tart on top of mine.

When the dessert arrived, Dan took the opportunity to ask the waitress if he could have a glass of water.

“I’m conscious the alcohol is making my anxiety levels rise again,” Dan admitted to me afterwards. “I’ve worried over nothing twice in the last ten minutes.”

“Right,” I nodded, “I think that’s a good plan. You want me to move your wine away?”

Dan nodded in response, so I took his wine glass and lifted it over next to mine. I didn’t plan to drink it, but it kept him from doing it without thinking, when he didn’t mean to. Dan’s water arrived quickly and he sipped on it slowly for a few minutes before getting started on his dessert.

“Remember just to stop when you’ve had enough,” I told him, knowing from my own that it was very sweet and sugary.

Dan picked slowly at his tart and ate just under half of it in the time it took me to finish mine. It turned out that was all he was having of it, but I didn’t expect anything more. He nudged the plate in my direction, where I was able to help him out a bit, but after eating my own I didn’t know how much more I could manage. I had a few spoonfuls before I admitted defeat, accepting that the rest would have to be food waste.

It turned out though, that Dan’s dad had been watching; “You not finishing that?” he asked.

“Nope, we’re both stuffed,” Dan said, starting to slide the plate towards his dad, “D’you want it?”

“Oh sure, I’ll see it off,” he said, taking the remainder of the tart and finishing it off in a few bites, “It was too good to go to waste.”

–

After the meal, we did the traditional ‘cutting the cake’, making the first cut in the cake before it went away to get cut up for everyone to eat. We’d be having the cake around dinner time, along with sandwiches, teas and coffees. Nobody would have room for it at the moment.

We cleared out the room into some of the reception rooms to allow the tables to be cleared away and the dancefloor to be uncovered. In the meantime, everyone could freshen up, redo their makeup, go to the bathroom or whatever they needed to do before the dancing started.

In that break, all I really wanted to do was kiss Dan in private, but I knew privacy wasn’t something we’d have much of until we got back home later on. I made do with walking around holding his hand and a couple of stolen kisses in a back corridor where no one seemed to be.

It was time to head to the dancefloor before we knew it and once the band had warmed up, it was time for our ‘first dance’, where Dan and I would have the dancefloor to ourselves for the first song, a song which we’d picked out as having special meaning to us as a couple.

We took up our place in the middle of the dancefloor, many eyes on us. I linked hands with Dan and placed my other hand on his waist. I was a bit nervous for this; I wasn’t a natural dancer but we just planned to improvise in the main. We waited for the opening bars of the music, the signal to start moving. I could feel Dan trembling slightly, so I put my arm a little more securely around him, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

“I know everyone is watching, but just try to enjoy our moment, okay,” I told him, softly, “You don’t need to worry about your dancing, just enjoy yourself.”

I moved my head away again, then perfectly timed, the music began:

 _For all those times you stood by me_  
For all the truth that you made me see  
For all the joy you brought to my life

The lyrics had a deep meaning for Dan and how things had changed since I came into his life, how I helped him to see past his eating disorder to happier times. To me, it was a reminder of how far he’d come, but I enjoyed the song too as a piece of music.

We started moving gently to the music, swaying slightly, focusing purely on each other and the music, working on getting into a rhythm. Dan’s first few movements were a little shaky, but I could see a small smile forming on his face.

_For every dream you made come true  
For all the love I found in you_

We started to move a little from our starting position, tiny steps that moved us gradually with the pace of the music.

_You’re the one who saw me through, through it all_

_You were my strength when I was weak_  
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak  
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see  
You saw the best there was in me

Although not all the lyrics referred to Dan’s specific situation, I could see him tearing up a little over those that did. I pulled him a little closer, again wanting to be that support in his life.

_I’m everything I am  
Because you loved me_

“I love you,” I mumbled to him, through an instrumental section, “I love you so much.”

I squeezed Dan’s hand in mine and offered him a smile, knowing his tears were happy ones, but still needing to be there.

_I lost my faith, you gave it back to me_

Although there had been some times where Dan had lost hope in getting better, in getting himself to be a better place, I had been there to remind him he could do it, to support him along the way.

 _I’m grateful for each day you gave me_  
Maybe I don’t know that much  
But I know this much is true  
I was blessed because I was loved by you

The lyrics in this part, Dan mouthed to me, making me feel extra special. He put a lot of his recovery down to my help, my love, but in my opinion, it was all his effort that got him there and I was just the moral support.

_You were my strength when I was weak…_

I slowly lifted my hand up into the air and let Dan spin around slowly, using my hand as a guide. He was smiling brightly up at me, smiling through the tears. As he finished his spin, before I returned my hand to his waist, I reached up and softly brushed some of the tears from his cheeks.

 _A light in the dark shining your love into my life_  
You’ve been my inspiration  
Through the lies you were the truth  
My world is a better place because of you

“Honestly, you have been a light in my darkness, Phil,” Dan said to me, choking up a little.

 _You were my strength when I was weak_  
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak  
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see  
You saw the best there was in me  
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach  
You gave me faith ‘cause you believed  
I’m everything I am  
Because you loved me  
I’m everything I am  
Because you loved me

All I needed to do for Dan was believe in him and show him that support, something I was very much willing to do, because of my love for him, first as my soulmate, then as himself. I loved Dan before I got to know him, but throughout it all, I was his support, his rock. I knew that through our shared love, we would both be there for each other through the ups and downs of life, through the good and the bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

As the song came to its end, I reached my hand up to the back of Dan’s head, pulling him in for a kiss. My lips met his and we shared an emotional kiss for a couple of seconds, before the applause from our guests broke through into our little bubble.


	36. Trying New Things

**Dan’s POV:**

Our first Dance had been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but a happy one. We were both crying a little, but it felt right; it felt special. For the next dance, everyone else was invited to join in. Phil and I spent it just holding each other, the two of us swaying slightly from side to side as he tried to dry my eyes with his handkerchief. He’d felt it an unnecessary accessory, but of course, it was me that needed it in the end. Phil’s tears, he tried to hide, brushing them off with the back of his hand, but I knew they were there.

We danced again to the third song, this time the emotions being less intense as we just relaxed and enjoyed ourselves. After a few dances, everyone started to branch off, seeking new dance partners and allowing for the tradition of the wedding couple dancing with their parents. My mum asked me to dance, then Phil’s mum followed suit in asking him. We revolved around dancing with our own parents and each other’s for a bit, then dancing with our friends, of course having lots of dances to ourselves too.

We took a break for a bit, neither of us quite having the stamina for that many dances in a row. We took a seat at the side for one dance, allowing us to recover a little. We got back on the dancefloor for the next one, however, knowing we should make the most of our own wedding.

Later on, Phil and I spotted Adam and Ethan sitting in a corner and decided to ask the two of them up to dance. Phil asked Adam and I asked Ethan, us taking the two of them to the middle of the dancefloor. We started dancing in the same area, but the other couples moving around us forced us apart. Ethan and I ended up dancing in a different area from Phil and Adam, but that was okay; we could regroup afterwards.

Ethan struck me as being quite a good dancer, but I could tell he was tired. When I brought this up, he admitted he’d just done about four dances in a row with Adam and they were about to take a break when Phil and I approached them.

“Sorry about that,” I apologised, knowing that he needed that break, “I’ll let you have a break after this.”

I took the lead in the dance, spinning Ethan around when an appropriate moment came. It meant nothing compared to what it did with Phil, but we were enjoying this dance as friends, as family. His hand seemed a bit clammy to me, but I didn’t judge him for it, knowing I would be that way if I’d been dancing with my suit jacket on.

“Dan,” Ethan said, sounding a bit out of breath and gripping my shoulder, “I need a seat… don’t feel so good.”

Instantly, I moved my hands to get a better hold on him and led him over to the nearest seat, waiting until he’d sat down until I tried to work out what was happening. I crouched down next to him, taking in his appearance, particularly his pale skin and sweaty forehead. I was pretty warm myself from dancing and I’d abandoned my jacket a while ago.

“Ethan, can we get this suit jacket off of you?” I asked him, “Think you’re overheating?”

Ethan nodded weakly, allowing me to help him get it off. His movements were slow and he looked a bit like he was about to pass out. I was just taking in the bandage on his arm when he started to fall forwards.

“Woah,” I said, holding onto him and stopping him from going any further, “You alright there?”

“M really light headed,” he mumbled, “Everything’s spinning a bit and…”

“Okay, I think we need to get you on the floor,” I told him, “I’m guessing Adam’ll have felt this?”

“Yup,” my brother’s voice sounded from behind me, a worried looking Phil in tow. “What’s happened?”

“He’s like almost fainted on me twice,” I explained, “Adam, help me get him onto the floor. Phil, could you get some water from somewhere?”

Between Adam and I, we helped Ethan off of the chair and down onto the floor. He wasn’t going to stay in the chair by himself, so the floor was a safer place until he was feeling a bit better. We got him sitting with his head on his knees, that being a position proven to help with dizziness, the support for his head probably being a good thing.

Adam had assumed a position right next to him, with a hand on his back. He was keeping the body contact to a minimum until Ethan cooled down a little but.

“I think he’s got a bit too hot,” I said to Adam, even though that was probably obvious, “But what happened to his arm?”

“Yeah,” Adam nodded, “I wasn’t happy about him wearing the jacket, but he had an accident with the steak knife and now he’s self conscious because that and the scars together…”

“Phil told me, but I presumed it was a little cut finger or something,” I told Adam my assumptions, “How bad is it?”

“It’s not the worst he’s ever had, but it wasn’t pretty,” Adam explained, rubbing Ethan’s back a little.

At this point, Phil arrived with a glass of water and a little crowd had gathered, asking Phil what was happening, whether Ethan was okay. Phil ignored them for a moment and crouched down, handing the water to Adam.

“Ethan, I’ve got some cold water here; I’m going to put it up against your forehead,” Adam said to Ethan, warning him before the sudden influx of cold.

Meanwhile, I was explaining to Phil that he’d just overheated a little, that the guests shouldn’t need to worry. Phil took care of the onlookers and set about getting some windows opened, while I remained with Adam and Ethan. Adam had got Ethan sitting up a little to drink the water now, which would hopefully do him some good.

Five minutes later, Phil arrived with one of the venue staff in tow, who had a pole for opening the windows. He let them do the work and came to join me and the boys. We gave them a little space to get sorted out, but stayed nearby so we could help. I picked Ethan’s jacket up and hung it over the back of a chair so it didn’t get ruined and thought about what would be the best plan for him once he’d cooled off.

It might be a good idea to take him outside for some fresh air, I decided. The day was starting to cool down now and where inside was like a greenhouse from the earlier sun, the outside would be cooling quickly. I voiced this idea to Adam, well to both of them, but Adam was the one making the decisions at the moment.

“I think that would be a good idea,” Adam agreed, “But any chance you could help us out there?”

“Of course,” I nodded, “What would you like me to do?”

“Just stay close as I help him up, then I’ll support him from one side and you take the other?” he told me, although not sounding entirely sure himself.

I stayed close as Adam helped Ethan to his feet, watching as he was pulled into a hug the moment he was up.

“You’re going to be okay,” I saw Adam mumble to him, “The dizziness will pass.”

Adam held him for a few moments, both arms securely around his back. Ethan wasn’t saying much, but I knew they would be communicating things mentally. I watched as Adam pulled away slightly to take a look at Ethan’s bandaged arm. Blood was showing through, which didn’t look good, but it was probably the least of their worries at the moment.

“He’s thinking this blood loss might not have helped,” Adam told me, voicing Ethan’s thoughts aloud.

“Mmm, yeah,” I agreed, seeing Ethan swaying slightly and reaching out to steady him, “You good to get going outside?”

“I think so?” Adam said, nodding at Ethan for confirmation.

“Okay,” Ethan agreed, a little uncertainly, but he probably realised it was for the best.

Adam and I took a side each and the three of us walked slowly towards the doors, Phil following with their suit jackets, for when they inevitably got cold. We moved down the hallway to the front door, then stepped out into the cooling summer afternoon. Adam and I guided Ethan over to a bench, where the two of them sat down. Ethan rested his head on Adam’s shoulder, but now he just looked tired rather than being on the verge of passing out.

“D’you think you two are going to be okay here for a bit?” Phil asked, as he laid the two jackets down next to Adam.

“Yeah, we will be,” Adam nodded, “You two go back inside and enjoy the rest of your wedding reception. Thank you for the help, but I think we’ll manage from here.”

“Okay, well Phil and I have our phones on us if you need anything,” I assured him, wanting to make sure they could get help if it was needed.

“Okay, thank you,” Adam nodded, patting his suit jacket to check for his own phone.

–

Phil and I headed back inside, hand in hand, ready to go and enjoy ourselves some more with the peace of mind that Adam and Ethan would be okay. We both paused for a drink to keep hydrated, then did a few more dances here and there, but taking things more slowly now.

My mum came up to us, maybe half an hour after we’d left Adam and Ethan, to tell us that they’d decided to head back to their hotel early. I completely supported that decision, knowing it was probably for the best. They’d been there today to celebrate with us and that was important to us, but now all that mattered was that they were both safe and well.

The dancing faded into the night and everyone was invited to gradually come up to a buffet table to get food. There was an assortment of generic party food: sausage rolls, little sandwiches, carrot sticks, olives, sausages, pastries and little canapés like those from earlier. Then there were sweet things, little bites of caramel shortcake and shortbread, but most importantly, wedding cake!

I started with a couple of savoury items, little sandwiches and carrots, knowing that this was pretty much my dinner. Phil stacked his plate high with all sorts of things, but I preferred to take it slow and go back up for more if I needed to. Eventually I got to the stage that I felt I was ready for my slice of cake. I’d been working up to today for a while and I felt okay about eating a whole slice. It was my wedding after all; I was allowed to treat myself. Phil and I went up together; he picked out a large slice and I went for a medium one. It was clearly not the smallest piece I could’ve had and I think Phil noted this. He didn’t know what was about to hit him. Phil finished his slice quickly, but I knew I had to take this slow if I wanted to be successful. The cake was incredibly sweet and I probably wouldn’t have managed it without a glass of water and Phil by my side, but I took bite after bite and eventually I was down to picking the last few crumbs off my plate. Phil was watching me as I finished and after I swallowed for the last time, I looked up to meet his gaze, giving him a bright smile.

“I did it,” I said to him, my pride clear in my voice.

“You did!” Phil said, excitedly, “I’m so proud of you.”

Phil took the plate from me and laid it to the side, before engulfing me in a warm hug. He softly rubbed my back, a gesture that was comforting, albeit unrequired. I hugged him back, glad that he had been here for this moment, glad that I’d been able to do that, both for myself and for Phil.

As everyone finished up their teas and coffees, that was when things started to wind down a little. People started to head home, so Phil and I made it our goal to go around and thank those leaving for coming.

It was sound this time that I got a text from Adam:

_Best wishes to you and Phil - hope you have a good wedding night ;) and enjoy your honeymoon! (just thought I’d send a little message as we left early)  - Adam and Ethan_

Phil’s and my immediate family were the last to depart, but with my parents taking the lead.

“I think it’s time for us to head off,” my mum told us, also nodding to my dad, “But congratulations to the two of you; this has been a great day and I’m sure you’ll want to enjoy some time to yourselves now. I’d better go and check my other two sons are doing okay.”

My dad added his own few words of thanks and congratulations, the two of them giving us both hugs before they left.

As the last of Phil’s family drifted away, I glued myself to Phil’s side, suddenly feeling a pang of loneliness now that our friends and family had left. All that I wanted now was to go home and spend the rest of the night alone with Phil. We had something special in mind for tonight, but we’d need to wait until we were in private to discuss and see if everything was going to go to plan.

We had a car to take us back to our flat, in which we were both cuddled up in the back. We wanted things to stay classy until we got home, where I’m sure it wouldn’t be long before all sense of control went out of the window.

–

It would have been nice to have just fallen into each other’s arms, kissing passionately and seeing where things led, but we had an important conversation to have first. Recently Phil had been hinting to me that he wanted to try bottoming. It had first come up in a post-sex discussion about trying new things, where Phil had straight out asked, “Dan, if you don’t mind, at some point I think I’d like to try bottoming?”

Of course, I was fully supportive of Phil’s decision, but there were things we had to discuss before we got to the stage of doing it. I wanted to make Phil wait for a day that felt right; I was sure I could have the confidence to let Phil be a bit more submissive, but as this would be quite different for him, I wanted to make sure he was ready.

I knew that Phil was confident in the stretching process when doing it to me, but he admitted he wasn’t sure about doing his own preparation; how would he know when it felt right? I’d promised I would help him with it when the time came, maybe even introduce him to it a little beforehand.

A couple of weeks ago, I’d introduced Phil to my fingers, not making it sexual, but just getting him used to the feeling. We’d been talking about it more since then, me letting him in a little more on the cleaning and preparation that I did, even getting onto more taboo topics like poop. There were days when I wouldn’t want to do anything anal and Phil would accept that without question, but now I felt it was better that he understood fully, if he was going to be doing this himself.

Previously, our conversations rarely had anything to do with shit, apart from when Phil’s lactose intolerance made it unavoidable. I’d been more open recently though, just outright telling him if things weren’t so good in that department. At first, this seemed to embarrass Phil, but he was taking in his stride now.

Yesterday, Phil had asked me how I felt about us trying it tonight. It was still going to be a lot of new things for him, but he felt that presuming he remained all good in the poop department, he was ready to go for it. I too felt that this would be a good way to make our wedding night special. I agreed with Phil, that yes, presuming he still felt good about it today, I would be happy to go ahead with him.

“Let’s get our suits off and we’re going to sit down and talk before we go ahead with anything,” I told Phil, not wanting to initiate anything before I knew exactly how he was feeling about things.

Phil sat down first, then a couple of moments later I joined him, pulling the duvet up around our shoulders. I put my arm around Phil, enjoying a moment of just holding my husband close before we got into anything.

“C’mere,” I said to him, moving to invite him onto my lap; I felt we needed to be closer before having such an intimate chat.

“How are you feeling?” I started, that being an open question he could answer how he wanted to.

“Good,” Phil said, smiling, “Really happy, really happy to have you as my husband, really happy to be with you right now.”

“Great,” I nodded, “Me too.”

“You did well today,” Phil told me, “After last night I was a bit worried about your anxiety playing up more, but you handled it well.”

“Thanks,” I smiled, knowing it could have been better, but still happy with how I’d done overall, “I wish I didn’t have to sit down during the ceremony, but thanks for dealing with me.”

“That’s my job as your soulmate,” Phil laughed, “And now as your husband.”

“Mmm,” I laughed in agreement.

“And you did well with the cake too,” Phil nodded, his smile growing bigger, “I’m so proud of you.”

Unsure what to say to that, I just smiled in response, letting Phil nuzzle into my shoulder.

“So, husband…” I said after a minute or two, “How are we planning to spend our wedding night?”

“Umm,” Phil started, suddenly looking a bit flustered, “What we discussed…. Ummm… metryingbottoming?”

“Are you still feeling up for it?” I asked him, noting his embarrassment but being confident myself to show him he could be too.

“Yes, I think so,” he said, still sounding nervous, but a little better.

“Have you pooped today? Is everything good down there?” I asked, glad I’d built up to this so that it wouldn’t be so out of the blue.

“Yeah, yeah, I have,” Phil nodded, “All seemed fine to me.”

“Great,” I said, “Okay, well I think we should take a shower together, start off the prep in there.”

“Okay?” Phil said, sounding a little unsure.

“D’you want to go through and get the shower on?” I asked him, “And don’t worry, we’re going to talk through everything.”

While Phil got the shower started, I looked out a few things for afterwards. I made sure the lube was handy; which it already was. I looked out a small dildo, knowing Phil was going to need to take things slowly, so that could be a good inbetween step. I made sure there were condoms on hand too, because although we didn’t usually use them, I could understand if Phil didn’t want me coming inside him.

I joined Phil in the shower, first grabbing a couple of disposable gloves from the cabinet. We had lube in the shower already, but I sometimes used a glove for cleaning myself. I was only going to introduce Phil to cleaning himself with a finger, but I had no idea how it was going to go.

I handed Phil a glove and put one on myself, “Don’t worry, I’m not expecting this to be too gross. It could be a little messy, so just as a precaution have a glove; you might feel a bit like you’re going to poop, so it eases your mind a bit to know you’re not going to poop on your hand.”

“Right, that gives me a lot of confidence,” Phil mumbled, pulling his own glove on.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” I told him, rubbing his shoulders softly, “You just need to relax and not worry; if it eases your mind I’ve done much more disgusting things to clean myself.”

“Like what?” Phil asked, as I picked up the bottle of lube.

“Douches and enemas,” I told him, “Where you basically squirt water inside you to wash everything out… but don’t worry, you’re not doing any of that.”

“Okay, thank god, that sounds horrific,” Phil said, sounding very relieved.

“You do get used to it a little,” I told him, “Anyway, you don’t even have to think about that at the moment. All we’re going to do is use our fingers and some lube and make sure you’re mostly clean down here. We won’t be doing anything that hardcore; this is your first time, so I’m going to make sure you’re as comfortable as you can be.”

“Thanks,” Phil nodded, relaxing back against me a little.

I squirted some lube out onto my gloved hand and coated my first finger. With his permission, I brought it up to touch Phil’s hole, starting with gently massaging the area, loosening it off little by little. I slowly worked the finger inside him, until eventually, it was as far in as it could go. In terms of the cleaning, I just moved my finger around inside him, every so often pulling out and wiping it on his bum. He seemed pretty clean already, which was great as I knew Phil would be embarrassed if I found any poop. After talking through what I’d done, I let Phil do a bit himself, knowing if he decided he wanted to bottom more regularly, the prep might be something he’d like to do in private.

“How do I know when I’m done?” Phil asked eventually.

“Well you don’t have any poop on your glove do you?” I said, encouraging him to look, “You’re good; I just wanted you to get the idea of what you were doing. To be honest; you probably didn’t need this cleaning, but it helps you be a bit more confident and unless you know your body really well, it’s probably a good idea.”

“Oh okay,” Phil said, sounding pleasantly surprised, “What’s next then?”

“I could, in theory, stretch you in here, but I’d like to do it in bed where you can relax more,” I told him, “So let’s just have a minute more just relaxing in here, then we’ll dry off and go through.”

I took Phil’s glove from him, removed mine and tossed them both in the corner for me to tidy up in the morning. I’d explained to him that gloves weren’t a necessity, that was his choice, but I’d thought it was a good place to start. The next minute or two, I spent gently washing him with shower gel, taking it as an opportunity to help him relax. When we both got out of the shower, I rubbed him dry with a towel, doing the same to myself. When we were ready, I put a hand on Phil’s back to guide him back through to our room.

It was only now that I let myself capture Phil in a kiss, make out with him until our hips were desperately grinding into each other, seeking something, seeking anything. It’s what we’d both been wanting for most of the day, and now we were finally alone. Eventually, I let my more dominant side shine through, and pushed Phil gently down onto the bed.

“You still good to go ahead with this?” I paused to ask him, wanting to make sure he was completely okay with what we were about to do.

“Yup,” Phil nodded, hands pulling at me needily.

I nudged Phil’s legs apart with my knee, grabbing the lube from where I had left it and squeezing a little out onto my fingers. It was a bit cold, but I knew Phil would know this. I massaged his rim slowly, slipping my finger into him. At first, it wasn’t much more than what we’d been doing in the shower, but I wanted to make the stretching feel good for Phil as soon as possible, so I set about finding his prostate, pressing my finger in a little further and angling it towards his stomach.

I knew I’d found it when Phil tightened around my finger and let out a strangled moan, “Nnnghh.”

“Is that good?” I asked him softly, hoping that he liked the sensation.

“Mmm yeah,” Phil nodded, “Wasn’t quite sure at first, but yeah it’s good.”

“Okay, d’you think you’re ready for another?” I asked, slowly sliding my finger out and lubing up a second.

“I think so?” he said, a little unsure as this wasn’t something he’d done before.

With two fingers, I was able to stretch him out a bit further, making sure to communicate with Phil about what he was feeling, and when he was ready for a third. Eventually, when I felt he was as stretched as I could do with just my fingers, I picked up the small dildo I’d looked out.

Again, making sure that Phil was still okay to go ahead, I coated the purple length with lube. We owned a couple, which I sometimes used to work up to Phil’s size, or just personally. This was a little more for Phil to take, so I made sure to insert it slowly, talking to him all the time and making sure that it wasn’t too much.

I worked it in and out of Phil, who was gasping at the stretch and new sensations he was feeling. He was doing really well; I knew it was a lot but he was handling it, he was telling me he was doing fine, and from what I could see and feel, I believed that.

I let Phil enjoy the dildo for a bit longer than he needed to, just to be on the safe side. It was clear he liked it and wanted more; I had to bat his hands away from touching himself a couple of times, but I knew he would want to save himself for what was to come. I slowed down my movements with the dildo and slowly pulled it out of him, watching him clench at the loss.

“We’re going onto me next if you’re good with that?” I said, again checking I had his consent to go ahead.

“Mmm please,” Phil nodded, a bit lost in the pleasure he’d just been experiencing to say much.

I’d been enjoying stretching Phil and slowly fucking him with a dildo, so without even touching myself, I was mostly hard. However, I had a bit to go before I was ready to bury myself in Phil. I asked him to suck me a little to get me fully hard; Phil was good with his mouth, so he had me there in no time. Before I got down to business, I gave Phil’s dick a little attention, giving him a familiar feeling before we got back into the unfamiliar territory.

“D’you want me to use a condom?” I asked him, “Come inside or out when we get there?”

“No condom and inside please,” Phil said weakly, “I want all of you.”

“Sure thing,” I said, laughing slightly at his eagerness.

To help line myself up with Phil, I grabbed the other pillow and got him to lift his hips up to rest on top of it. I wanted to see Phil, so this position was best, but I didn’t want to hurt him. Pushing into Phil felt amazing; this was my first time experiencing such a feeling, but I managed to control myself, thinking back to our first time and how slow Phil took things with me.

“How’re you doing?” I asked Phil, who seemed a little quiet.

“Feels good, the stretch, hurts a little, but it’s good,” Phil told me, giving me a small smile.

I paused for a few moments, letting him adjust, rubbing my fingers over his hips while I waited. Phil let me know when he was good, in a way I recognised as my own. I continued to take things slow, pausing to let Phil adjust, but eventually I was all the way in, balls deep in Phil.

“Nnghh, I feel so full,” Phil grunted a little, clearly taking a little longer to accommodate me fully.

“Take all the time you need,” I said, keeping my lower body as still as I could.

Phil shuffled around a little, making my self control even harder, but eventually, he announced he was ready. I pulled back the way slowly, started with shallow, slow thrusts. I waited for Phil to tell me he needed more until I picked up the pace. With that, I also took that as an invite to find Phil’s prostate, changing the angle slightly and lifting his legs up to give me better access.

When I found Phil’s prostate, I knew about it, he shuddered around me, letting out a guttural moan. I didn’t go full on at his spot at first, not wanting this to be too fast or intense for him. Each time I hit the spot, he lost a bit more control, his toes curling, legs trying to pull me closer. I too was struggling with my self-control, but I was doing my best to keep it under control for Phil.

When Phil uttered he was close, I let myself go a little, letting things be a tiny bit rougher, a little bit deeper. I touched him too, wanting to help him over the edge, knowing that coming untouched would be too much for his first time.

When Phil came, he let out probably the best moan I’d ever heard, the white stuff spilling from his cock onto both himself and me. At this sight, this feeling, I found myself coming too, doing my best to keep up a rhythm to work Phil through his longer, more intense orgasm.

I pulled out slowly, knowing that Phil would feel weirdly empty after this. I moved to lay down next to him for some cuddles, but Phil had quickly broken down into sobs.

“Oh my God Phil, are you okay? Have I hurt you?” I rushed, full of concern.

“It’s good, I’m good,” Phil sobbed, “That was just so intense. I’m fine, but like… please hold me.”

I laid next to Phil, pulling him into my arms. We were both sticky, but I ignored that, trying to give him the closeness he needed. One arm tightly round his back, the other hand cupping his bum, I held him until his sobs died down, murmuring words of comfort and love.

After a minute of quiet, Phil spoke up again, “I’m sticky.”

“I know,” I said softly, “I was going to clean up but it seemed you needed some hugs first? Let me go grab a cloth?”

Begrudgingly, Phil freed me from our embrace and let me head to the bathroom to grab a cloth. I soaked it in warm water, wrung it out, then carried it to the bedroom where I started with wiping down Phil’s stomach and abdomen.

“Is that good?” I asked him, wanting to check with him that I’d got all of it.

“Yup,” he nodded, “Yours is staying inside of me.”

“It will for a bit,” I told him, now wiping Phil’s come off myself, “But it’ll probably slide out of you a bit overnight; so that might feel a little weird.”

“Mmm,” Phil nodded, maybe not entirely getting what I was saying.

I returned the cloth to the bathroom and grabbed a towel, which I used to dry Phil off a little, before tossing it to the side. I hopped up onto the bed next to Phil and pulled the duvet up over us, pulling him into my arms again.

“You good now?” I asked, rubbing my hand up and down his back.

“Yup,” Phil said, nodding his head into me, “I’m tired, but today’s been the best day. I’m so grateful to have you as my husband and I’m so glad we got to do this tonight. I love you, Dan.”

“I love you too, Phil,” I replied, smiling as my heart filled with warmth.

Phil was quiet for a minute, before letting out a yawn, “Think I’m gonna sleep now.”

“Good plan; we’ve had a long day,” I said, “Now, you get to sleep, but if you need anything, I’m right here.”

Phil fell asleep in my arms, his body so drained that he was out in seconds, barely moving in his sleep. I followed not long after, holding him close, hoping that I’d done a good job and that he wouldn’t be too sore in the morning. A little ache would be almost inevitable, but I would treat him to whatever loving care he needed to ease that.

–

It was almost inevitable that Phil would be a little sore the next morning. Like with exercising a new muscle at the gym, you were bound to suffer from using different muscles in bed. I recognised the ache Phil was suffering as one I’d experienced myself and I knew that a warm bath, and maybe some ibuprofen if it persisted, would be all he needed.

Like Phil had done for me many times, I ran us a bath. I let Phil pick out a bathbomb or some bubbles, then joined him. As well as providing physical comfort, taking a bath together was emotional comfort, a place for us to be close and intimate with each other and discuss how we were feeling. Apart from a little pain on Phil’s part and a desire for breakfast on mine, all was good between us. Our day was going to be quite laid back; yes, we had to pack for our little honeymoon, but that was our only responsibility. I had a good feeling about the next few days, that a little trip away together was just what we needed as our final step into married life.


	37. Waves of Pleasure

**Phil’s POV:**

A few days away down to the South of England, to the coast. That was our honeymoon. To some people, it might not be much, but it was just what the two of us wanted. The South coast was home to the best of the summer weather and gave us the opportunity for a little beach holiday without leaving the country. We had rented a little holiday cottage near Bournemouth, right on the coast, giving us easy access to the nearby village and the beach.

There were a handful of reasons we didn’t want to go abroad. It was expensive, and although our parents had been insistent on covering some of the costs, we felt we could get more for our money here. I’d needed to get my passport renewed, which I’d sent away to get done, but I hadn’t known if it would be back in time. Dan didn’t specifically have any anxiety around travelling, but he’d told me that he didn’t quite feel like he was in the right place of mind to travel too far. We came to a conclusion together, that a little holiday within the UK was just what we needed. We contemplated going to Scotland, but the weather there was a bit more unreliable and we fancied at least a little sun on our honeymoon.

We still didn’t have a guarantee of good weather, but thankfully, the clouds held off and presented us with a forecast of brilliant sunshine and warm temperatures for our stay. We packed our bags with shorts and t-shirts, swimming trunks and suncream, both of us excited for our mini beach holiday. The drive down was a long one, going on for five hours, but we split it between us to make it more manageable. I took the first half, then Dan loaded me up on travel sickness medication for the second, while he drove. The medicine made me a bit sleepy, which was why I took the first shift, but it didn’t matter if I drifted in and out of consciousness as Dan drove. As long as I wasn’t throwing up, that was all that mattered.

We’d left about ten in the morning, had a lunchbreak about half twelve, then arrived at our little cottage around four in the afternoon. After carrying our things in, our first priority was to take a nap. I needed to sleep off the drowsiness from the tablets I’d taken at lunchtime and Dan, well he was just being cuddly and wanting to keep me company.

Our cottage had a little kitchen come living room, a bathroom and a bedroom. Overall, it was small, but the rooms were generously sized and Dan and I found ourselves falling into the king sized bed with ease. We ended up curled together in the middle, but that was okay, I was sure we’d make use of the space later on.

Dan’s alarm went off when we needed to get up for dinner. For tomorrow, we had reservations at a local restaurant, but for tonight, we’d brought some pasta with us in the car. It was nothing fancy, but being the introverts we were, we knew neither of us would fancy interacting with others after a long day’s travelling. After our dinner, we curled up on the sofa together, taking in the view, and when it came, the sunset.

It was beautiful, the sky turning pink and orange, the colours reflected in the waves of the sea, and the wet sand on the beach glowing in the golden light. Maybe we should be out there, taking photos, but we were inside and making memories all the same. As darkness fell, we were eventually faced with the responsibility of getting up to put the lights on, or maybe do something now that there was no longer a pretty sunset to watch.

I found the light, Dan shut the curtains and we fell back into the sofa for a bit longer. Now that the curtains were shut, and I could see Dan in all his glory once more, I was taken over by desire, thoughts of what we could do together. As much as I’d enjoyed trying new things the other night, I felt that tonight, I just wanted to be buried deep inside of Dan. We had the rest of our lives ahead of us for me to bottom again, but I’m sure it would be sooner rather than later. At the moment however, my desire for Dan had me kissing him passionately, pinning him down onto the sofa.

Desperation had me asking permission to take off Dan’s underwear, maybe before he was entirely ready. He wasn’t completely hard yet and flushed a little as I took his hardening length into my mouth.

“Mmm,” I mumbled around him, hands on his hips as I swirled my tongue around his length, slowly bobbing my head up and down.

“Fuck, Phil,” Dan gasped, “I don’t think we’re going to make it to the bedroom if you keep this up.”

Slowly I pulled off, giving Dan a smirk as I licked the beginnings of his precome off my lips, “C’mon then.”

I offered Dan a hand up, then together, the two of us shuffled through to the bedroom. Dan immediately sank into the bed, but I had lube to find first, wishing I’d gotten it out earlier. Predictably, it was right at the bottom of a bag, and I had pull out a lot of our clothes first to find it.

Dan had his hand around his length when I returned to him, but moved it away the instant I saw. He always did his best to save himself for me, but I knew if he was touching himself, it was just a little to keep him going until I was back by his side.

As we started Dan’s preparation, the stretching, I noticed that he wasn’t quite relaxing as much as usual. After trying to curl my finger towards his prostate and being met with resistance, I slowly pulled it out.

“You’re really tense; are you okay?” I asked him, softly rubbing my fingers over his perineum.

“D’you mind waiting half an hour?” Dan asked, his cheeks a little flushed, “I’m just worried I should maybe go to the bathroom first.”

“That’s fine,” I said, giving him a smile; it was nice seeing how much more open with me he’d become, “Take your time, and if things are a no-go, that’s okay, just let me know.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, getting up, rummaging through a bag and heading to the bathroom with a small bag of things.

While Dan was gone, I worked on organising our stuff a little, so we wouldn’t have so much difficulty finding things. Organising wasn’t exactly a turn on, but the thoughts of Dan on my mind were enough to keep me entertained until he was back. I would understand if things weren’t right for him to take part in anal, but often he was still up for a blowjob if that was the case.

When Dan returned, he was damp from a shower and wrapped in a towel, “I’m good now, empty and clean, ready to relax and not worry about things.”

“Great,” I said, approaching him and gently squeezing his ass through the towel, “I was hoping you’d still be up for it.”

Dan and I continued from where we left off, things going a lot more smoothly this time, Dan relaxing around me and not trying to squeeze himself shut. We worked him up to my dick in no time, which felt very welcomed in his body. Tonight, he seemed particularly responsive to my actions, both physically and vocally.

“You’re really taking advantage of having no neighbours here,” I laughed, as I paused to reangle myself a little.

“Yeah, it’s why I wanted a holiday cottage and not an apartment,” Dan explained, gasping slightly as I pushed in at a different angle.

I could tell when Dan was getting close, as his body would start to react a little differently, almost trying to pull me in deeper as he let out moans of pleasure. I found it a lot too, Dan’s heightened reactions helping to pull me closer to orgasm.

I took this as a cue to start touching his dick, wanting him to come with as much stimulation as possible. The hand I had steadying him, I moved right next to the base of his cock, and the other I wrapped around his length, with a bit of spit to make things move more smoothly. As Dan rose up towards his high, I worked double hard at getting him off, desperate for that moment where he would lose all control, tense and shake and spill his load all over my hand.

When it came, when he came, I found myself losing all of my own control, fucking more roughly into Dan, letting myself come deep inside him. I felt euphoric, tingling all over and generally just sensually overwhelmed. After pulling out I collapsed on the bed next to him, needing a few moments before I could even think about getting up to clean up. I pulled Dan into a close hug, neither of us saying anything, but just needing each other close in that moment. I think we both leaked a few tears, but neither of us mentioned it, knowing just how the other was feeling.

Eventually, I forced myself up from the bed to grab a packet of wet wipes I had across the room. We’d come prepared for a few days of honeymoon activities, the disposable cleaning method being more convenient than using a washcloth every time. I wiped Dan down, noting that he was still shaking a little. Before I settled down next to him, I headed to the kitchen to get him a glass of water, not quite knowing how he was feeling, but a drink of water wouldn’t do him any harm.

I put the water on a bedside cabinet for a minute while I situated myself next to him, “Dan, could you sit up for me?”

“Hmm?” Dan mumbled, sounding half asleep.

“If you could sit up, I want to make sure you’re okay first,” I told him.

“I’m fine,” Dan said, but sitting up anyway.

“You’re shaking,” I told him, moving to hold him in my arms and pulling the duvet up over us.

“I’m just… that was good. I’m okay though,” Dan told me.

“I know, but I just want you to have a little water and sit up with me for a bit,” I told him, “I know you’re tired, but…”

“It’s okay, I get you,” Dan told me, relaxing a little into my arms, “But honestly, you don’t need to worry.”

Dan drank a good few sips of the water, then stayed in my lap until his body had stopped with the shaking and felt more calm. His breathing seemed fine, and I trusted that he felt fine, but I just wanted to be careful.

“I think we should get some sleep now,” Dan spoke up, “Okay?”

Nodding, I flicked out the light and we lay down together, Dan snuggled up in my arms as much as he possibly could be. The duvet was warm and we’d probably have to kick it off at some point throughout the night, but for the moment, it was just perfectly cosy.

–

The following morning we were quite lazy, spending a while just lying together in bed before we bothered to get up. Eventually though, I was starting to get hungry and I was conscious that we wanted to make the most of the beach and the brilliant weather outside.

We had breakfast, did our dishes and headed back to our room to get ourselves ready for the day. As I brushed my teeth and spotted Dan’s toiletries bag on the counter, it struck me that I hadn’t seen him take his medication at breakfast.

“Dan,” I said, sticking my head out of the bathroom and into our room, my toothbrush still in my mouth, “Did you take your medication?”

Dan looked up at me, from where he was sat on the bed, applying some sun cream to his stomach, “Shit.. umm, no I didn’t.”

“Right, where did you pack them?” I asked, wanting to get him back on track quickly as they could easily got forgotten again.

“I think they’re in there,” Dan said, getting up and coming into the bathroom, “Let me have a look.”

Dan rummaged around in his toiletries, where he thankfully found his box of antidepressants, “Right, I’ll go to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water.”

Dan went away to take his tablet and I let out a sigh of relief, glad that I had remembered at least. I guess with being away from home, he was out of his usual routine and that why he had forgotten. Once I was finished brushing my teeth, I put a reminder in my phone for tomorrow morning, just to make sure he was on it.

Dan had been carefully applying my factor fifty sun cream to his stomach surgery scar. It had healed up quite well, but he still needed to protect it from the sun. He’d probably be wearing a t-shirt most of the time on the beach, but with us going in and out of the sea, it wasn’t always going to be covered, so he needed to be careful. Eventually, we headed out, both of us covered in suncream and ready with our beach towels, water and books.

The beach hadn’t really got busy yet, so we took advantage of the peace and quiet to just lay down together in the sun and read. We’d go in the sea a bit later on, maybe in the afternoon when the day was at its warmest. It was nice to relax together in this brilliant weather, have a bit of peace and quiet, some sun and not worry about anything.

We took a break from the sun at lunchtime, heading back into our cottage to have some food and some cold drinks. After taking some time to let our food settle, we headed back out, this time with every intention of heading straight for the sea. At first, Dan was a little self conscious about taking his top off, but I reassured him that no-one would be looking, no one would be judging him. After a bit of splashing around and immersing ourselves up to the waist in the cold water, it started to feel a bit warmer. Dan seemed to get more comfortable with time and it wasn’t long before he appeared completely at ease.

When we decided to get out, we headed back to our beach towels to lay down and dry off, walking back across the beach, hand in hand, not a care in the world. The sand was sticking to my feet, but Dan’s presence next to me was enough to put that thought to the back of my mind. His hair was wet and seemed extra curly from the sea and the little beads of water running down his chest were making my eyes travel south.

We weren’t generally public people, but after a couple of heated kisses, we were soon losing our self control. I had one hand down Dan’s trunks, where things were all but a calm sea, the waves of sensation having him lightly thrusting into my hand. I noticed him biting his lip in a failed attempt at suppressing a moan, and shocked at this drawing blood, I knew it was time we headed back inside. I took my hand away, apologising to Dan and brushing the blood off his lip.

“C’mon, let’s head back,” I said to him, “Your lip’s bleeding and you can make as much noise as you want when we’re inside.”

I packed up our few things into our beach bag, draped my towel over my shoulders and took Dan’s hand as we walked the short distance back to our cottage. The towels were good for hiding the tents in our swimming trunks, but thankfully there weren’t many people around anyway.

As soon as the door was locked behind us, we were free to make as much noise as we wanted. I wiped a little more blood from Dan’s lip and gently kissed him, knowing it would heal up quickly; I’d get on at him to put lip balm on later, but at the moment, I had more important things on my mind.

Five minutes later, I was lying on my back with Dan riding me, bouncing up at down at what seemed the perfect speed to pleasure both of us, rolling his hips and generally moving in just the right way. When we reached our highs, we were both loud, but Dan significantly so, his moans only increasing my pleasure.

When Dan pulled off, he collapsed on the bed next to me, panting and out of breath. I rolled into his side and brought my arms loosely around him, one hand on his chest as it rose and fell. I didn’t say anything, knowing Dan would feel the need to reply if I did, so I just held him quietly while he caught his breath. When his breathing was more calm, he nuzzled his face into my chest, bringing his whole body against mine for a closer cuddle. Somewhere between us lay some sticky come, but I felt it more important to focus on Dan.

It was a shock when I happened to glance at the clock and noticed it had got to six o’clock. Our dinner was booked for seven, it was a fifteen minute drive away and we definitely needed a shower first.

“Dan, we need to leave in forty-five minutes,” I told him, “I hate to rush you, but we need to get up and shower.”

“Ughh,” Dan grumbled, slowly rolling away from me and sitting up, “Where did the time go?”

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” I said laughing, “That was pretty fun, right.”

“Mmm,” Dan nodded, chuckling and smiling at the thought of what we’d just done.

I got up from the bed, feeling a little weary myself from our activities and knowing Dan would have it worse. As he got up, I wrapped an arm around him and we stayed like that all the way to the shower. Once we were under the water, I made the decision to wash us both, starting with him. It was clear we’d used up a lot of his energy together and I wanted him to enjoy his dinner without being too tired.

Dan flinched away from me a little as I ran my hands over his hips and I broke through our silence to ask him what was wrong.

“I’m a little sore; think I maybe pulled a muscle or something,” he explained, running his own hand over his right hip more slowly.

“Right,” I nodded, “We’ll find you something for that when we’re out.”

We got ourselves dried and dressed in some smarter clothes, both of us going for jeans and a short sleeved casual shirt. Before we left, I looked Dan out some ibuprofen, thinking that would probably be the best.

“Uhh do we have paracetamol?” Dan asked, not taking the packet of ibuprofen, “Just I haven’t eaten anything since lunch and I’d rather not on an empty stomach.”

“Oh yeah, of course,” I said, for a moment having not really thought about his past with ibuprofen.

I looked out the paracetamol and handed Dan these instead, who this time looked thankful and took them with a glass of water. I’d keep an eye on him, but I was fairly sure he’d be okay.

We left just in time to make it to the restaurant on time, and sat down for a lovely dinner. I’d found this place online a few weeks ago, in looking at places in the local area which would suit me and Dan.

We both had a three course meal; well I had a three course meal and Dan sampled a little of my dessert. He was doing good; he would still never order a dessert for himself, but I was so happy to see him eating mine that I didn’t care if he was eating more of it these days.

I was feeling pretty stuffed by the time we were finished and I guessed Dan would be feeling similarly. We took a little evening stroll around the town before driving the car back to our cottage. After sitting down on the sofa to relax, we soon fell into a bit of a food coma, dozing in and out of a slight sleep, my hands on my stomach as it felt slightly like it was going to burst. About half an hour must’ve passed when we weren’t really with it, time lost in moments of shut eyes and sleep.

“Phil?” Dan spoke up, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” I said, lifting my head up a little to look at him.

“I think I’m gonna go outside for some fresh air; I’m not feeling too good, I think I went a bit overboard at dinner,” Dan told me, his voice sounding a little weak.

“D’you want me to come with you?” I asked, wanting to, but not sure if Dan was also suggesting he wanted some time alone.

“If you don’t mind,” Dan nodded.

As Dan put his shoes back on, I grabbed a blanket from the bedroom. The night would be cooling outside now and Dan was a bit sensitive to the cold. Him not feeling well always worried me slightly, but I understood he just didn’t have quite such a big appetite and he’d maybe overstretched it. I was hoping that as he’d suggested going outside, that was what he needed to feel better.

Dan had plonked himself down on the front doorstep, so I sat next to him, first putting my arm around him, then slowly rubbing it up and down his back.

“What are you feeling?” I asked him, trying to get a better idea what was wrong.

“Just really, really full,” Dan told me, “Like I’ve eaten so much food that it’s filled me all the way up to my throat and it’s choking me slightly. I think I’m just full and a little overwhelmed.”

“I’m sure it’ll pass soon,” I said, rubbing the back of his neck a little, “Is there anything I can get you to help.”

“Just stay with me?” Dan suggested, “I don’t want to put anything else in my body at the moment.”

“Okay,” I nodded, moving a little to let him rest against me, “Let me know if you need anything.”

We sat quietly for a while, listening to the almost silence of outside. Occasionally, I head Dan’s stomach gurgle a little, which he would apologise for, despite there being no need.

“Phil,” Dan said, after a while, “I’m gonna go take a shit, which might help things. Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay, why wouldn’t it be?” I said, softly, a little confused.

“Just because I’m feeling like this and…” Dan trailed off, “Nevermind.”

“Dan, just go poop; it’s fine,” I told him, “Just shout on me if you’re having any mental battles, okay?”

Dan got up to go to the bathroom and I remained on the doorstep, looking out towards the sea. From how Dan had been speaking, it seemed like eating too much had put a small dent in his mental health. Maybe he was feeling a bit like purging, but he wasn’t sure. The way he didn’t quite seem to trust himself to go to the bathroom was a little concerning, but I’d come running if anything did happen, if he needed me.

I watched the darkening sea, fiddling with the blanket that Dan had left on my knees. My legs were maybe a little cold, but now I was outside in this temperature, it struck me my shoulders were still far too warm. Thinking back through my day, I’d only put suncream on in the morning, so I was willing to bet I was a bit burnt. Had I brought the aftersun? I thought so, but it would be in the bathroom, so I couldn’t check at the moment.

Dan’s voice broke through my thoughts, a call of ‘Phil’ that had me running towards the bathroom to see what was wrong, an image in my head of him with his fingers heading for his throat. I burst into the bathroom… and was confused to see Dan sitting on the toilet.

“Woah Phil, I’m okay,” Dan said, laughing because we were close enough that the situation was just funny rather than embarrassing, “I just need loo roll.”

“Oh… umm… right,” I said, my mind taking a minute to get into the right gear.

“Do you know where the spare is? Do we have spare?” Dan asked.

“Oh yeah, I think I saw some in that cupboard out in the hall,” I told Dan, “I’ll go check.”

After finding the toilet roll and returning to Dan with it, I left him in peace. I locked up the front door and took a seat on the sofa, feeling a little bit embarrassed, but overall, relieved that he was okay.

A few minutes later, Dan joined me, chucking lightly as he sat down next to me, “I’m sorry if I panicked you for a minute there, but I’m feeling okay now, much less stuffed.”

“Yeah, you did a little,” I nodded, “But I’m so glad you’re good.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m tired,” Dan said, “Fancy getting ready for bed? I’m not sure I’m feeling like anything tonight; earlier was enough for me.”

“Yeah, same to be honest,” I nodded, “I’m glad we can agree on that; even though this is our honeymoon and making love is what its about, there’s no pressure for us to do anything.”

In getting ready for bed, I took my shirt off and thought nothing of it, planning to sleep in just boxers because it was warm. Dan had been taking off his socks, then looked up at me suddenly.

“Phil, your shoulders!” he exclaimed, “Oh god, you’re so red. What happened? Did you use my suncream or something?”

“I kinda forgot to reapply mine after we went swimming,” I admitted, feeling a bit stupid.

“Silly Philly,” Dan commented, “But seriously, that looks painful.”

Dan dragged me into the bathroom, soaked a facecloth in cold water and pressed it onto my shoulder. I hissed and jumped away, the cold being too sudden and making things sting even worse.

“Phil, stay still; I’m trying to help you,” Dan whined, “In fact, maybe take your pants off and sit in the bath?”

Nodding, I followed Dan’s instructions, getting naked and sitting down in the empty bath. Using his cloth and some cold water from the tap, he spent a while soaking my back with cold water, persevering no matter how many times I flinched away from it. Once I was out and dried, he located my tube of aftersun and started to rub some into my back. It was instantly soothing, something about the aloe vera and its jelly like consistency making it just perfect.

“This looks like it’s helping,” Dan commented on my responses, “Where else is burnt? Your face, a bit?”

Dan squirted a small amount of the gel onto his finger and booped me on the nose with it, then he carefully spread it across my face, softly rubbing it in.

“Can I get some for my elbows?” I asked, reaching my hand out for him to squeeze a dollop onto.

“Course,” he said, squeezing out a bit and going back to rubbing my back.

When Dan was done applying the aftersun to all my burnt bits, we finished getting ready for bed. I felt like someone was trying to extinguish a fire on my skin and it wasn’t exactly the best feeling; I was now regretting being so forgetful earlier.

We got into bed, and of course, Dan pulled the duvet up around us. I dealt with it for maybe about five minutes before I got too overwhelmed and kicked it off of me, letting it all land on top of Dan.

“Mmmph, you trying to make me overheat here?” Dan commented, now kicking the duvet off the bed completely.

“I actually feel like I’m on fire, so that wasn’t helping,” I commented.

“D’you want some water or something?” Dan asked me, “We’ve got ice in the freezer.”

“Could you?” I asked, feeling a bit weak for relying on Dan, but doing it anyway.

“Two minutes,” Dan said, getting up from the bed and leaving the room.

While he was gone, I sat up, knowing I would need to to drink. Dan arrived with a glass that seemed to be bordering on a vase for size and once he’d sat down on the bed, he handed it to me.

“Hope this helps a bit,” he said, sitting by my side as I took a few refreshing sips.

Eventually, I laid the glass to the side and attempted to get some sleep, which wasn’t easy. As much as I was loving this little cottage, its one downside was not having any aircon. I’m not a violent person, but in that moment I could have killed for some cool air blowing over my body.

Throughout the night, I kept finding myself waking up in a sweat, far too warm, Dan pressed uncomfortably against my side. Each time I would get up to go splash water on my face and it would help a little, but clearly not enough.

When I woke for the fourth time, about six in the morning, it was too much for me to deal with. I was so tired, so tired that I felt almost ill, so weak and warm and horrible.

“Dan,” I choked out, my voice rough, “Dan.”

“Hmm? Phil?” Dan said sleepily.

“I’m too hot; I don’t feel good,” I explained, “I’ve been up like three times to splash water on my face but this time it’s too much.”

“Okay,” Dan said, sitting up and blearily opening his eyes, “Right, umm, let me feel how hot you are.”

Dan’s hand landed on my arm, then moved to my shoulder, then my forehead.

“Okay, you feel pretty burny,” Dan said, then reached over me to grab something, which turned out to be my glasses, I discovered, as he plopped them on my face.

“Firstly, it’s good to see,” he said, now looking a bit less fuzzy. “Right, do you feel sick or faint at all?”

“No, just really warm and weak and… I don’t know… “ I trailed off, my explanation awful.

“Okay, I’m going to get you some cold water and some paracetamol,” Dan told me, “Then maybe a bit of a cold bath is in order.”

I watched Dan leave the room, and kept my eyes on the door until he returned a couple of minutes later. In one hand he had a glass of icy water, and in the other, a packet of paracetamol.

“You’re going to need to sit up,” Dan said, as he laid them on the side table, “D’you need some help?”

Without waiting for an answer, he bent down, hooked his arms under mine and helped me to sit up. I managed to shuffle back against the headboard by myself, but it took almost all of my energy to do that. Without me noticing, Dan got up on the bed next to me and brought the glass of water up to my lips. I maybe didn’t need all the help he was giving me, but I appreciated it, knowing that this was just a part of why Dan and I were meant to be, we knew just how to look after each other.

Once I had the paracetamol down, I worked my way through the rest of the glass of water. It was refreshing, quickly helping me feel quite a bit better. When I was done, I was able to have a more sensical conversation with Dan, where we decided some sort of cold bath would still be good for me.

I ended up sitting naked in the bath, while Dan started filling it around me. He was splashing cold water on me, while filling the bath with water which wasn’t arctic cold, but just warm enough to be acceptable. I shuddered as I lay back in it, submerging my burnt shoulders. It was somehow horrible yet refreshing at the same time, so I tried my hardest not to fight it.

Dan sat on the floor at the side of the bath, gently rubbing the cold water across my skin. His hands felt good, particularly where I wasn’t burnt, as they were a little bit of warmth to make things more bearable. Dan didn’t leave my side, mumbling encouraging words and insisting that I was going to be fine, that I just needed to be a bit more careful tomorrow.

After a while, Dan helped me out, rubbed me dry and applied more aftersun to my shoulders.

Before we left the bathroom, he brought me into a brief hug, “I just really want to cuddle with you, but I think it’s not the best plan at the moment.”

“Same,” I mumbled, “I think I might die from being too hot if we did that.”

“Let’s go to the kitchen and get you some more cold water,” Dan said to me, “And let the bed cool down a bit more.”

Feeling too exposed in the scud, I’d put my boxers back on, despite there not being much risk of me being seen through our middle of nowhere kitchen window at six-thirty in the morning. As Dan filled me a glass of water, I went into the freezer for the ice cubes, the temptation of its coolness being too much to ignore.

I took a seat at the table and slowly drank my water, the feeling of it cooling me down on the inside rather pleasing. Dan had a glass of water himself, but he was probably just moderately warm, rather than burnt and overheated like myself. It was a while before we eventually got back to bed, where we made the decision to get up an hour later than we’d originally planned.

I was feeling a bit better in the morning, my sunburn having cooled off a little and my body appreciating the relief. I knew I needed to be extra careful today and Dan made sure of this, slathering an extra layer of suncream onto my shoulders and once we were out, making sure I had plenty of shade.

Over the course of the day, we spent a lot of time swimming in the sea, the water being cool and refreshing compared to the warmth of the beach. I remembered, also with constant reminders from Dan, to reapply my suncream each time we got out.

The beach started to quieten down in the late afternoon and that was when I had an idea. We were waist deep in the sea, the nearest people were well down the beach and our teasing splashing tickle fight had started to turn a little less PG. My mind made up, I started to talk dirty to Dan, wanting to get him properly riled up.

When Dan realised what I was doing, he turned a bit blushy and self-conscious, gently shoving me away, “Phil, we can’t here.”

“There’s nothing to stop us, there’s no-one nearby…” I explained, listing off my reasoning, “And wouldn’t it be kinda hot to do something in the sea…”

“I guess…” Dan said, still looking a little embarrassed, but a smile growing on his face as he thought about it, “But I don’t want you fucking water up my butt because that could get a little messy.”

“Well I was thinking more of a handjob,” I explained, “A bit easier to execute in our current location, I think.”

With Dan agreeing, I continued with my teasing, kissing him, touching his nipples, his thighs… and eventually ending up with a hand down his swimming trunks, taking his hardening member in my hand. To anyone on the beach, I hoped it looked like we were just playing innocently in the sea.

I eventually decided to give myself easier access to Dan by pushing his trunks down so they sat low on his hips. Already used to the temperature, he moaned as I pulled him out of his trunks and let the sea water touch him everywhere. With one arm around Dan to keep him steady, I got him off with my other hand, allowing him to bury my his face in the crook of my neck as he came, whole body shaking, his knees going weak, making me hold onto him a little tighter to stop him from sinking through the waves.

After a couple of moments, I pulled Dan’s trunks back up, being as careful as I could because I knew he would be sensitive. I scooped him up, holding his bum in my hands and encouraging him to wrap his legs around my waist. This was a more comfortable position to let him recover, where he could cling onto me like a koala and not have to worry about his legs still being weak from his orgasm.

After a while, Dan started to grind down into me, clearly recovered enough to return the favour. After watching him orgasm, then have the warmth of his body pressed up against my crotch for a few minutes, I was already hard and ready. Dan’s movements were similar to those he’d performed in bed yesterday and despite my warnings of me getting close, he chose to continue with the grinding, eventually taking me over the edge by sticking his hand down there and helping me through it. It took all of my strength for me not to collapse into the sea as I came, with Dan’s weight on top of mine, combined with an orgasm and jelly legs from the sea.

I had to get Dan’s weight off me, simply asking Dan if he could stand again because I didn’t think I could any longer. Once he was back on the sea bed, he took my hand and led me out of the sea, back towards our beach towels where we could sit down and recover. We laid there for a while until I felt I could walk again. I was too sticky to remain here any longer, the come in my trunks having not properly washed out in the sea.

We made our way back to our cottage to clean ourselves up and get ready for dinner. Despite me not being any more burnt, Dan still attacked me with liberal amounts of aftersun, making sure that yesterday’s sunburn got the best treatment it could.

The night was an easier one, no relapse scares from Dan, no severe sunburn on my part. We had more sex, but it was simple and loving and intimate; not too rushed or lustful or kinky. I knew Dan had things in mind that he wanted to try out, and I was very happy to oblige, but we’d both decided there were some things we’d rather do at home. Tonight, as the last night of our honeymoon, was all about loving each other, sharing a special moment in a lovely place which would hold good memories forevermore. Maybe we’d come back here someday when we were older, to make more special memories, but we had the rest of our lives to explore together, to make memories, to make love.


	38. Rose and Fell

**Phil’s POV:**

The last day of our honeymoon progressed similarly to those previous: breakfast, suncream, the beach, sex, swimming, more suncream, maybe some more sex. We spent a lot of time covered in sticky white substances, which were sometimes suncream, but not always.

We had to be out of the place by four in the afternoon, post the key back through the door and I guess the owner or the cleaner would be around sometime after that. We’d been respectful in leaving the place fairly tidy, making sure we’d done our last couple of dishes and not left rubbish everywhere. We’d had a great time, but we didn’t want to make someone else’s life harder by doing so.

We left just before four, heading for Dan’s parents house. When planning our honeymoon, we’d asked them if we could stay a night on our way home. Okay, we’d seen them a few days ago, at our wedding, but it split the journey up and saved us driving too late into the night. It also might be our last opportunity to see everyone in person for a while; Adam and Ethan would be starting back at school in about a week, then I would be starting my cooking course in just a few weeks time. Dan would be starting work too; I’d organised him a couple of probationary shifts working at a small cafe and it had gone well enough that he would be starting there part time.

It was about an hour and a half to Dan’s hometown, which would only leave a three and a half hour drive for tomorrow. Today’s drive was quite nice, the blue sky and sun outside, with the aircon in the car making it pleasant. Whilst I drove, Dan and I talked quietly about our little holiday, how much of a great time we’d had. He was quite brown from the sun, and whilst I looked a bit like a tomato, it had been worth it for the good times we’d shared.

Like every good holiday, you wish it wasn’t over, but at the same time, going home seemed a very tempting prospect. As much as our holiday cottage had been comfortable, there was nothing like being in your own home, and after a few days with no routine, it would be calming to fall back into one. We’d be home tomorrow, but for tonight, Dan’s cosy family home was quite appealing and I could almost smell the home-cooked dinner already.

We pulled into Dan’s parents’ driveway just after half-five. We got our stuff out of the car and we hadn’t even got to the door when it opened and Dan’s mum poked her head out.

“Hi boys,” she greeted us, with a big smile, “You had a good journey? A good few days?”

“Yes thanks mum,” I said to her, having been told at our wedding that she’d like if I called her that too, “The weather was great and the beach was fantastic. I’m a bit burnt but it was worth it.”

“Dan?” she said, nodding at him for his input.

“Had a lovely time with my husband,” Dan said, putting his arm around me, a little jokingly, “But seriously, it was great. We didn’t do anything in particular, but just had a good time together, talking, relaxing, other things…”

Dan trailed off, looking a little embarrassed at where his mind had clearly gone, “Anyway yeah, I’m a bit tanned, Phil’s rather burnt, but we had a great time.”

“Well come in and get yourselves settled. We’ve got dinner in the oven so that’ll be ready about half six,” Dan’s mum said, taking a bag from me and helping us inside with our stuff.

The three of us took our bags up to Dan’s old room, where his mum left us alone for a bit of peace and quiet. We didn’t really unpack anything, as we were only staying the night, but we both looked out our washbags and pyjamas, guessing that we might very well not be back up here until we were getting ready for bed.

Dinner was a chicken casserole, with vegetables and potatoes. Dan’s dad was still serving it up when we arrived in the kitchen and whilst I felt like I could help serve, his mum ushered us over to the table. Adam and Ethan joined us, then Dan’s parents after they’d finished serving the food. It was nice to sit down for a family meal, having everyone catch up and seeing Dan interact with his closest family. It was weird to think that less than a year ago, he’d been scared to talk to them about his problems, but now he had opened up about his mental health and helped his brother to deal with his own issues.

Dan had been served a similar sized portion to his mum’s, and to my surprise he even took his dad up on the offer of more. He looked a little self-conscious as he made his way over to the cooker and dished himself out some more vegetables, but he soon relaxed when Ethan followed him back to the table with extra meat and potatoes.

Dessert was apple strudel and ice cream, well ice cream for those who could eat it. Dan’s mum apologised that she hadn’t been able to find any dairy free ice cream in the shop, but I insisted that it wasn’t a problem - I could eat the strudel by itself. Dan asked for a piece of strudel by itself too, just a small piece, but again, it was a positive development.

After dinner was done, as everyone else moved through to the living room, I hung back to try and help Dan’s mum with the dishes, at least. She eventually gave in to my insisting that I would help, letting me into the sink to wash some things as she filled the dishwasher.

“He’s looking a lot more healthy than he did at the start of the year,” Catherine commented, referring to Dan.

“Yeah, he’s come so far,” I said, pausing to smile at her, “It’s only been a year since he wasn’t doing well, and although he still has the odd moment here and there, I’d say he’s stable.”

“Thank you so much for helping him so much,” she said to me, looking a little tearful, “Like neither Bernard nor I knew he was struggling, but you seem to have single handedly helped him get better.”

“I wouldn’t say single handedly,” I said, a little horrified that she’d dismissed Dan’s effort with her words, “I’ve supported him, but it’s him that’s been doing all the hard work. I haven’t had to recover from surgery, fight any of the mental battles or face opening up to a therapist. I’ve just given him cuddles and maybe a little motivation to keep going when he needed it, I guess.”

“Of course, yes, I’m proud of him for dealing with all that,” she nodded, “But I just wanted to thank you for being by his side. He clearly found you just when he needed it.”

“It’s no problem,” I smiled, “Proud to have him as my soulmate and I’m happy to give him all the love and support he needs.”

We finished dealing with the dishes, then joined the rest of the family in the living room, where I found Dan having a civilised conversation with Adam and Ethan about anxiety. Ethan had experienced a small number of panic attacks in his time, and after listening for a while, I established that he’d dealt with another just a few days ago. With school starting in a week, he’d been trying to get himself organised, but somewhere along the line, starting a new school had become something scary. It didn’t sound like his panic attack had been anywhere near as bad as some of Dan’s, but Dan was clearly trying to explain to him a bit more about ways of coping.

He was talking about some grounding techniques, which he personally didn’t use so often. For Dan, focusing on his breathing was usually too important to focus on much else, but he was explaining to Ethan about focusing on his five senses and going through things he could see, feel, hear and smell. That would help if he was feeling a little anxious, to try to ward off the feelings by focusing on something else.

It turned out that Ethan had now found a therapist that he was getting on with okay, but he hadn’t opened up completely yet, so there were some things he was still to talk about, anxiety being one of them. With school starting next week, both him and Adam felt it would be good to have a further think about how to cope and how they would handle the situation of a panic attack, should one arise.

We discussed what the school already knew about his mental health and whether there was anything else worth telling them. They had already realised that they should talk to the teachers about getting special permission to get of of class if they needed to. They were going to be in three out of their five main classes together, but would make sure to have a note of each others timetables for the others.

Adam noted down a few of the things we’d spoken about, presumably to make sure he remembered to get them underway. Ethan was just nodding along, at first paying close attention, but I could see it was waning.

As soon as Adam had finished making his few notes, he put his arms firmly around Ethan and pulled him into his chest, running his fingers through his soulmates hair. Dan and I had no idea what had just occurred between them, so we gave them a little space, moving away to a different sofa.

After a while, they broke apart their hug and Adam announced that they were going to go and take a bath, “We’re going to go for a bath; think of it as a kind of therapy session.”

After they had gone upstairs, Dan expressed a few thoughts, “I think Ethan is struggling more than he’s letting on. I can’t be sure, but I think that was some anxiety he was suffering there and Adam’s taking him for a bath to help calm him down a bit more.”

“D’you think he’s going to cope okay with school?” Dan’s mum asked, looking a bit concerned, “I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

“I honestly have no idea,” Dan said, “And the most you can do is look out for both of them and make their home life as easy as you can.”

Dan’s mum nodded, then the whole room fell silent.

“I think I’m going to talk to Adam in private later on if I can,” Dan added, “I want to know how worried he is and I know he won’t let on in front of Ethan.”

The conversation between Dan’s parents and us turned to other things, further discussing our honeymoon, the beauty of the south coast and the wonderful weather we’d had. Despite being fairly avid travellers themselves, they understood our reasoning for wanting to have a honeymoon within the UK and their only concern had been about whether the sun would show up. Thankfully, it had, and we’d had a holiday almost parallel to what we could’ve got in Spain.

About an hour had passed when the boys returned from their bath, now a little damp and dressed in pyjamas. Ethan seemed to have a little more confidence about him than he had earlier and they both seemed to contribute well to the conversation.

Later on, Dan took Adam away for a chat and left Ethan in the company of their parents and me. His earlier anxiety had vanished completely, so the separation from his soulmate didn’t seem to be causing him any problems. Dan didn’t keep Adam very long, only about ten minutes, but he returned looking satisfied.

It was only as we were getting ready for bed that Dan told me what he had heard from Adam. Basically, Ethan was pretty anxious about school and everything that went with it, but he still felt he was in a better place mentally than he was last year. The situation maybe wasn’t ideal, but they were both going to do their absolute best.

Everyone went to bed early, including me and Dan. While we weren’t leaving super early in the morning, it would still be a wise idea to get as much sleep as we could as we’d be leaving about eleven.

–

We were up and having breakfast and having breakfast at nine, Dan and I, along with his parents. Adam and Ethan weren’t up yet, but it sounded like Catherine had been in to speak to them and they’d promised to be up before we left.

The plan had originally been that I would drive us the rest of the way home, but after waking up with a headache and sore eyes which told me I’d been wearing my contacts too much recently, we agreed it would be a better idea for Dan to do it. Whilst I could take paracetamol, wear my glasses and still drive fine, Dan driving was probably a safer option.

I took paracetamol and water with my breakfast, choosing to leave coffee out of my system for the time being. It might make my headache worse, and plus, I’d want to sleep in the car now that I wasn’t driving. Dan had duly taken his medication without reminder, but as we got packed up and ready to go, he reminded me that I should be taking travel sickness tablets.

I took them about half an hour before we were due to leave, at which point Dan and his mum were making up a couple of sandwiches, a few snacks for our journey. Adam and Ethan had arrived in the kitchen for their own breakfast. Ethan particularly looked half asleep, clutching a coffee in both hands as he looked at his cereal.

“Hey look, Phil’s taking his meds… so should you,” I heard Adam mumble to Ethan, nudging a box of tablets a little closer to him.

“But…” Ethan started, trailing off as he fought off a few tears.

“I know you don’t feel like it, but it’s important,” Adam said, trying to encourage him, “You’ll only feel worse if you don’t.”

“I know, I know,” Ethan said, choking up a bit, his knuckles going white as he gripped his coffee extra hard.

It was at this point that Adam intervened, gently prising Ethan’s fingers off of the mug and getting him to lay it down. Ethan now clutched Adam’s hand instead, fighting back sobs. I watched as Adam enveloped him in a hug, mumbling messages of support.

After a minute or two, Adam had him sipping on some water, then he got him to take his tablet. I didn’t quite understand the struggle, but I was glad they had it resolved. Eventually, Ethan picked up his mug of coffee again and even made a start on his cereal.

Dan had been watching the situation out of the corner of his eye, and now that things seemed to be better, he made his way to the table and pulled a seat up near them.

“You doing okay?” Dan asked, looking between Ethan and Adam.

“Yeah, I’m just a bit tired,” Ethan explained, “Didn’t have the best sleep, not feeling so great today.”

“I just thought of another suggestion for when you’re having problems with anxiety,” Dan started, “I know it can be hard to quit caffeine, but I found coffee would make things a lot worse for me.”

Ethan nodded, but said something about struggling to get through a day, even with coffee. Dan left him be after that, not wanting to bother him more when he wasn’t feeling his best. We were due to be leaving soon, so we got our last few things together, taking our bags and snacks out to the car before saying our goodbyes.

We both got hugs from everyone, the warmest, most lingering being Dan’s mum, who insisted on squeezing us both. Ethan came a close second with his fluffy dressing gown and sleepy slowness making him inadvertently hug everyone for a bit longer. I wished him luck with school and everything, knowing that even with his soulmate by his side, it wasn’t going to be all that easy for him.

I waved as Dan reversed out of the driveway, and with that, we started our journey home. At first I felt a little nauseous, so letting Dan know, I shut my eyes to block out the moving scenery and tried to focus on keeping my breathing steady, hoping that would help.

The motion sickness tablet I’d taken didn’t always work immediately, but when I started to feel more sleepy than sick, I knew that it was kicking in. I mumbled to Dan that I was getting sleepy, then pulled a blanket up around myself, hoping that sleep would come easily and that I would be prevented from getting sick.

–

When I woke up, I had no idea where we were, but Dan soon gave me an idea, reading a place name off a sign and a number of miles which suggested we were still about forty-five minutes from home. Once I had blinked the sleep from my eyes, I reached for my phone to confirm this, opening up Maps and seeing how long it suggested was left.

It only took a couple of moments of looking at my phone for a nauseous feeling to build in my gut. As I had the answer, I locked my phone, dropped it into my lap and shut my eyes again, trying to will the feeling away. I was guessing that the travel sickness tablet was starting to wear off by now.

“You okay?” Dan asked me, his voice a little soothing over the hum of the car.

“I feel a bit sick,” I told him, knowing in this situation it was best to be completely honest.

“How bad?” Dan asked softly, “D’you need me to stop?”

“I’ll be okay for a bit,” I told him, a little quietly as talking didn’t seem to be helping.

“Okay, well let me know if you feel worse,” Dan said to me, “You want a drink or something to eat at all?”

“I’ve got water,” I told him, opening my eyes for a moment to retrieve it from my door pocket as I felt a few small sips might help.

I must’ve spent about twenty minutes curled up on my seat, blanket wrapped around me, sipping on the water, before I realised it wasn’t helping and I was, in fact, feeling worse.

“Can we stop somewhere?” I asked Dan, feeling that I needed to get out of this moving vehicle for a few minutes if I at least wanted to make it home.

“Okay, I’ll find somewhere,” Dan said, slowing down a tad and indicating when a turning came up.

I watched the road as Dan searched for somewhere he could pull over. My stomach felt choppy, but not quite on the verge of throwing up yet. I just needed out of the car.

–

**Dan’s POV:**

Although we weren’t far from home, I knew when Phil asked if we could stop that it was important we did. He wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t need to, so I focused on getting us off the main road and to somewhere we could stop, as efficiently as I could.

I parked messily in a layby, which was also home to the gate of a field, the first place that struck me as somewhere we could stop. Brakes on and engine off, I followed Phil out of the car and over to the fence. He leant against it, one hand gripping the wood and the other resting on his stomach.

I approached him from the side, cautious in case he was about to vomit. I slipped one arm around his back and spoke before I progressed any further, “How are you feeling? D’you think you’re going to be sick?”

“My stomach’s not good, but I think I’ll be fine,” Phil told me, “Just needed out of the car.”

“That’s okay,” I said, understandingly, shuffling a little closer to him.

I stayed with Phil for what must’ve become ten or fifteen minutes. After a couple he gave up on standing and sank down into the grass. Sitting seemed to help him perk up a bit, and after some water and even a couple of bites of a sandwich, he was starting to feel a little better.

I waited for Phil to say he was happy to keep going, not wanting to push him into heading back to the car before he was ready. Once we were both in, buckled up and ready to go, I made sure Phil was still okay. He held a plastic bag in one hand as a precaution, something that highlighted he still wasn’t feeling his best. In light of this, I drove the rest of the way home carefully, windows open for fresh air, avoiding a road I knew was full of bumps and potholes.

We arrived back at our flat, but Phil remained curled up in his seat. I knew he wasn’t feeling good, but now that I studied him more closely, he looked positively miserable, clutching his water bottle and the blanket on his stomach.

“You okay?” I asked, leaning over the centre console to move his hair so I could see his face better.

“Feel kinda sick again,” he mumbled, “Well I never stopped feeling sick, just worse again.”

“Okay,” I nodded, running my fingers through his hair, “Well let’s head in; you can go straight to bed or whatever you fancy and we’ll get our stuff later.”

I moved my hand away and Phil let out an uncomfortable groan. I felt bad leaving him for the three seconds it took me to get around to his door, but I knew he was going to need a bit of nudging in the right direction. After persuading him out of the car, he glued himself to my side and I didn’t let him out of my hold until we were in our flat.

He made his way to our bedroom and stood halfway between the bed and the bathroom door, looking like he couldn’t quite make up his mind. With first nudging the bin over to Phil’s bedside, I guided him over to the bed and gave him a hand to get undressed. I knew Phil needed to lay down and the bin was really just a precaution to ease his mind.

Phil laid down on his side and I sat next to him, gently rubbing my hands over his stomach. It had helped him before, and when he curled into the touch, I knew he was good with it.

“You get some rest,” I told him, “I’m sure you’ll wake up in a couple of hours and feel absolutely fine. I won’t go far, maybe the car at the furthest.”

I stayed with him until he was fast asleep, until his chest rose and fell gently with the sound of quiet snores, then gently tiptoed my way out of the room. I’d let him sleep as much as he needed, and if that was until dinnertime, that would be fine. A few hours sleep would do him good.

I headed back downstairs to get our belongings from the car. It took me two trips, not having Phil with me, but I was glad to get it done. We could relax now, maybe get some takeaway for dinner and not worry about anything until tomorrow.

I woke Phil about six, feeling that he’d had a good sleep and he should probably have something for dinner as he hadn’t had anything more than a couple of bites of a sandwich since breakfast. As I’d predicted, he woke up feeling absolutely fine. Okay, he was a bit cuddly and clingy, but that, I could deal with. After sitting cuddling for a while, we decided to order from the vegan pizza place, get ourselves some tasty food to satisfy our hunger and make the day a little bit better.

As we sat together and ate pizza, we discussed what was coming in the future weeks: Phil starting his cooking course at college and me starting my job in a nearby cafe. It was going to a bit of an adventure and maybe a challenge, but we both believed in ourselves and each other. We might be a bit reliant on each other for support, but together we could do it, rise to the challenges and help each other take any falls along the way.


	39. Sometimes It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

**Dan’s POV:**

I never thought I’d find myself working in a café, not after all my issues with food, but here I was. Phil was friends with one of the staff and when he heard they were looking for an extra employee, he wondered if this would be a good opportunity for me. I didn’t even know what I was looking for in terms of a job, but when Phil said his friend was willing to give me a couple of shifts as a trial, I realised there was no harm in trying.

The probationary shifts went well. I found that I was perfectly capable of making and serving sugary coffees and cakes, so long as I wasn’t eating them. In a way, it made me feel a little better about myself, that what I was eating was pretty good in comparison. I occasionally found the doughnuts staring back at me from the counter, but at least I knew to expect them being there. Surprise doughnuts were another story, but when I turned around expecting to see them, I wouldn’t really feel anxious.

Thankfully, my anxiety had been manageable and my new job hadn’t given me anything to be anxious about so far. Phil’s college was just along the road, so sometimes when he had breaks from his cooking classes he would come along to have his lunch or just a coffee. Sometimes I’d be able to have my lunch with him, but not always. Lunch was a busy time and my breaks depended on the shifts and the other staff I was on with. It was quite calming to know he was just five minutes away if I did happen to need him and I think he felt better too, knowing I was nearby.

The other staff were lovely and I’d even go so far as to say I’d made a couple of friends. I usually worked with Sarah and Andy, or at least one of them was usually on the same shift as me. They were both kind people, and I was slowly opening up to them about some of my issues. Sarah, being Phil’s friend that had helped get me the job, already knew about my eating disorder and was nothing but supportive about it from the beginning.

There was one day, when I wasn’t quite feeling like eating, that the prospect of finishing my ham and lettuce sandwich was just too much. I’d eaten almost half of it, but with every bite I took, I felt a little more nauseous, my skin crawling at the thought of the greasy butter that I could feel on my tongue. I didn’t think twice about tossing the rest of it in the food waste, presuming Sarah was too busy working to notice.

“Dan?” she looked up, making eye contact with me and laying a plate down, “You okay? You not eating?”

“No more, can’t do it today,” I said, feeling my words get caught in my throat a little, “Eating makes me feel a bit sick sometimes.”

“How much did you have?” she asked, flipping the lid up on the bin to take a look, “Half?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, filled with a sudden fear that she was going to make me eat more.

“That’s okay,” she nodded, squeezing my arm a little, “Did you have something to drink?”

I shook my head, realising that no, I hadn’t.

“What d’you like? A can of something? Hot chocolate? Blackcurrant squash?” she prompted.

“Uhh blackcurrant squash would be good,” I said, not bothering to think what else I could have; that sounded the best option out of what she suggested.

“Okay great,” she said, getting out a glass and the bottle of squash, making it up for me, “Now go grab a chair from the back and bring it in here.”

I went to get a chair, appreciating the effort she was making to ensure I was okay. As I carried the chair, I felt a bit weak; I knew I really should eat more, but that wasn’t going to help my mental block on doing so.

“Sit down,” she said softly, “Now here’s your juice.”

I sat down on the chair and took the juice from her, starting to sip on it slowly. I wasn’t too bothered by the flavour, but it washed away the buttery sandwich remains from my mouth, something that I welcomed a lot. Part of me was itching to get the bottle and look at the sugar content, but I could feel Sarah keeping an eye on me.

Sarah handed the plate she’d been working on through the front to Andy, then turned back to me. “How’re you doing with that juice?”

“Good,” I nodded, “I think it’s helping ‘cause I don’t feel like I have sandwich in my mouth anymore.”

“Okay good,” she smiled, “Think that’ll keep you going for the afternoon?”

“Hopefully,” I nodded, knowing that my body probably did need more food, but it had coped on less before, so I knew I could do it.”

That afternoon had been a difficult one as I went through various stages of having energy from my juice, then a gap where I felt tired and awful. I wasn’t meant to have a break but Andy made me a hot chocolate and sent me through the back drink it. Thankfully, I made it through the rest of my shift alright, and by dinnertime I was actually feeling up to eating properly again. I’d let Phil know of my struggle, just to keep him in the loop with my mental wellbeing. So far, that had been the only day where my eating disorder had had any effect on me at work.

There was another day where I opened up to Andy about my anxiety. Not long before ten, we had a customer, who came in, ordered a coffee so sit in and sat down in the corner of the cafe it drink it. Being a quiet spell, I found my eyes wandering slightly, not necessarily intending to watch the customer, but doing so anyway. The woman took some pills with her coffee, maybe paracetamol or something, but I didn’t see the packet. I was hit with a sudden realisation, one of those ‘oh shit I forgot something’ moments. I’d forgotten to take my medication this morning.

In realising this, my eyes remained on the customer, my mind elsewhere but my eyes staring at her. Andy must’ve noticed this because they waved a hand in front of my face, “Dan, you okay? You’re staring?”

“Uhhmm… I…” I said, feeling at a loss about what to tell them, “I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning.”

“D’you need it urgently or is it something you’ll be okay without until later?” Andy asked, their voice calming.

“I think I’ll be okay, but I should text Phil to let him know,” I explained, feeling I needed Phil’s assurance that I would be okay.

“Right, go through the back and text him or whatever,” Andy nodded, “I’m good out here on my own for five minutes.”

I made my way through the kitchen and into the back room, where we left our outdoor clothes and took our breaks. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened up a new message to Phil.

_Umm I just realised I forgot to take my medication this morning. I’ll be fine without it, right?_

Shortly after the message sending, I noticed that Phil was typing.

_Yeah, you should be fine! but I have a free hour next so how about I drive home, get it and bring it to you?_

Feeling a wave of relief at the thought of taking my medication like I should have, I replied to Phil quickly.

_That would be great if you don’t mind? I guess I’m just worried I’ll get withdrawal symptoms or be more prone to having an attack because I havent had it_

I hit send, waiting for a confirmation that Phil definitely didn’t mind going to get it for me.

_It’s fine, honestly :) I’ll see you in like half an hour_

Relieved, I slid my phone back into my pocket and made my way back to the front counter, where I let Andy know the news, “Phil’s got a free hour at college next so he’s going to pop home and bring it here for me.”

“Okay great,” Andy smiled, “That’ll stop you worrying.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, relieved.

“Are you sick or something then if you’re taking medication?” Andy asked slowly, a slightly puzzled expression on their face, “Sorry if its personal, you can ignore me.”

“Not really,” I answered, thinking for a minute; I trusted Andy, so there was no reason I couldn’t just tell them the truth, “I have an anxiety disorder and mild PTSD.”

“Oh… Dan…” Andy said, sounding sorry for me, approaching me with open arms.

I let Andy hug me for a moment, appreciating the little bit of comfort after just telling them such a big thing.

“My uh… ex-girlfriend was verbally abusive about my weight,” I explained, trying to get my head around what I wanted to tell them, “I got out of it when it started to go physical, but I was already in a bad place by then. You know about my eating issues, but I sometimes get flashbacks about her and things she said or did… and then general anxiety about my weight, food, eating habits and even things like stress and big life changes.”

I felt some tears welling in my eyes as I opened up to Andy about my problems. It wasn’t something I’d talked about to anyone other than my therapist, and mine and Phil’s families. I took a deep breath and rubbed my left eye with my thumb, trying to appear stronger than I was feeling.

“Dan,” Andy said softly, “Are you okay? Like at this moment?”

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking, “I just want a hug from Phil.”

“He’ll be here soon,” Andy reminded me, squeezing my shoulder slightly, “You want to go take a seat and get yourself a glass of water, as we’re quiet?”

“I’ll get some water,” I said, not really wanting to leave the front counter in case Phil was early.

I grabbed a clean mug and filled it from the tap, leaning against a clear part of the counter to drink it. I took a few deep breaths to calm me, reminding myself that it was okay that Andy knew, in fact it was probably a good idea for me to have opened up to someone at work about my anxiety problems.

Andy must’ve sensed when I was ready to talk again, because soon a carefully worded question came my way, “Has working here affected your anxiety at all, with you having issues with food?”

“It’s okay most of the time because I’m not the one eating it,” I explained, “The only thing which bothers me is the doughnuts, had a bad experience with them, but I can deal with it.”

“You’ll let me know if you ever start to feel anxious while you’re working, right?” Andy asked, “I can’t say for sure I can help, but I’ll do my best. I understand anxiety to some extent, having struggled with my own mental health.”

“I’ll try,” I said truthfully, knowing I would be able to unless I was just suddenly hit by a panic attack, “If anything happens, I’m sure you’ll know about it.”

“Thanks, I’d like to be able to help if you need it,” Andy nodded, taking the empty mug from my slightly shaking hands and refilling it.

When Phil arrived, we’d just hit a busy spell, where Andy and I were both serving customers. Phil looked like he didn’t quite know whether to stand in line or wait around somewhere. When I spotted his confusion, I waited for the momentary gap between two customers and shouted to him just to head through the back, pointing to the ‘staff only’ door at the back of the café. It would take him through to the breakroom come cloakroom, which I would access through the kitchen.

After serving my next customer, Andy told me to go, insisting that they could deal with the remaining customers. I made my way through the kitchen to the back room, briefly explaining to Sarah on the way, as I grabbed myself a glass of water to take my tablet with.

Phil was sat on a chair near to my coat, my box of antidepressants on his knee. He patted the chair next to him for me to come over, “You’ve got some water, good.”

I sat next to Phil and leaned into his side for a moment before taking my medication from him.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked me, sliding an arm around my shoulders, “You seem a bit… jittery?”

“I kind of ended up explaining about my anxiety to Andy and they were good with it, but it was just difficult for me to say, I guess…” I explained, “C-can I get a hug?”

“Of course,” Phil said, softly, his expression going a little gooey. He set my medication and water down on the table, before wrapping his arms around me completely. I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment, enjoying his comforting smell, the feeling of his body wrapped around me, holding me close. I felt warm and safe in his arms, felt that everything would be okay… and that was just what I needed.

I could always hug Phil for longer, but I knew I had medication to take and a job to get back to, so reluctantly, I pulled away and got down to taking my tablet. Pop it out the packet, swallow it, wash it down with water, it was all routine by now. I sighed as I laid the empty glass down on the table, leaning back in the chair to enjoy my last moment before I inevitably had to get back to work.

We finished our exchange with another hug, and a promise from Phil that he would come by at lunchtime. It was comforting to see him again, but at the end of the day, I was fine. It felt good to know that not only was Phil nearby when I was working, but I now had Andy in the loop. They understood to an extent and would help me with my anxiety if it came up at work.

–

Once he had settled into college and his cooking classes, Phil found that he still had the time to work the odd shift at the restaurant. He had become supply cover now, one of the people his boss would phone up if someone else called off sick or they couldn’t find someone to cover a shift. He had no obligation to take a shift, but he often would presuming he had the time.

Although I was working pretty much full time now, we were still getting financial help from our parents. My parents had reduced their contribution now that I was working, but Phil was getting some help from his now as he was at college and only able to work some of the time. It felt good to know that I was capable of earning a steady income, and I knew that if Phil and I were both working, we could be self sufficient.

For the time being, our schedules were more or less aligned. Phil’s schedule varied a bit, but he was in classes Monday to Friday, give or take the odd day here and there. I too usually worked Monday ‘til Friday, nine until five, but I’d get a short day once a week. Apart from the odd time Phil took on a work shift, it gave us all of our evenings and weekends together. It was good for us to have that kind of schedule, because we got into a better routine with getting up, eating dinner and going to bed at more or less the same time each day. Phil would still crash when he came home from work, but in general he seemed less tired.

I was still attending my therapist appointments regularly and whilst I still wasn’t in a completely stable mental state, I would say I was doing the best I had in awhile. I still had little anxious moments, times I’d need to take five minutes here and there to calm myself, but I found my beta-blocker medication rarely moved from my coat pocket these days. I knew I still couldn’t be without it; something could still trigger a panic attack, but it was nice to be feeling a bit better overall. I had people I could talk to and trust if anything got too much and my life had fallen into a routine where there wasn’t much that could overwhelm me.

–

I guess it was a given that something would happen eventually, that someday my anxiety would catch up with me at work, however, I didn’t expect it to happen in the way that it did.

You get into a routine of serving customers, some want coffee, some want sandwiches, but the motions are mostly the same. Occasionally someone asks for something you’ve run out of and you have to explain apologetically, would they like something else? Sometimes you get elderly confused people who come in looking for lipstick and you just have to smile and suggest the nearest pharmacy instead.

Some people are regulars and others you never see again, but you never expect to see the people from your past who you hoped you’d never see again. On the day in question, I was working with with Sarah, Andy and Ben. Andy was working from nine to three and Ben from twelve until six. Shifts varied, but it was always important to cover the lunch rush.

Ben and I had been non stop serving coffees for a while, putting the sandwich orders back into the kitchen for Andy and Sarah to make up. Coffees, cakes, sandwiches, cold drinks; everyone would order something different and it could sometimes get a little overwhelming. Even at two-thirty, we still had a queue. My coping mechanism was to focus solely on the person at the front and getting through their order as quickly and efficiently as I could. I didn’t really have much glimpse of who was behind until I called ‘next’ and the next person stepped forwards.

I finished making a man a latte and passed it out to him, calling forward the next person in the queue and looking up to see who it was next. I felt so much shock, so much fear, the instant I saw her face. Face coated in makeup, framed by greasy brown hair. I’d once thought she was beautiful, but now I wanted to throw up just by looking at her.

“Can I get a cappuccino and a chocolate doughnut please?” she asked, her voice almost mocking.

I’m surprised her order even reached my ears, but I managed to put my hands and feet on autopilot and get through the motions of making her a cappuccino and getting a doughnut out of the cabinet. Meanwhile, my heart was pounding, my chest felt tight and I was definitely struggling to breathe as I told her her total at the cash register.

“That’s four pounds forty nine,” I told her, choking slightly on the ‘nine’ and having to repeat myself.

She handed over a five pound note, which I took with shaking hands and put into the till, grabbing her fifty-one pence change. As I dropped it into her hand, something went wrong, my hand shook and jolted, touching hers for just a fraction of a second. That hand had pointed at various parts of my body, poked me in the stomach and slapped me in the face. I couldn’t be near her and now that I had finished serving her, my only logical thought was to get out of here.

I stumbled through the kitchen to the back room, where I collapsed into the chair nearest my coat. Medication, I needed my medication. Fumbling through the pockets, I found it eventually, bringing the tub out of my pocket and grasping it in my hand. I needed water, why hadn’t I thought of that. I needed water to take these. My throat felt tight and that would make it hard enough to get them down.

I barely even noticed I was sobbing as flashbacks started to intrude my mind, particularly one of her holding an empty doughnut box, a look of pure evil on her face.  _“What the fuck, you fat imbecile. You ate my entire box of doughnuts - you were fat enough already, you worthless piece of flab! Do you not understand the meaning of my doughnuts?”_

Then another one, from earlier in our relationship, when unknowingly, things were starting to go downhill.  _“Dan, maybe you should go to the gym more. Like wouldn’t sex be better if you had a little more stamina, maybe lose a little weight and you’ll be hot as fuck.”_

_“Dan, I’m not letting you be on top again until you lose some weight, you’re crushing me.”_

_“Dan, you don’t really need breakfast when you ate so much for dinner…”_

_“Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”_

_“I’m not having sex with you until you’re under sixty kilos.”_

At the time, when I thought I loved her, I thought she was just trying to do what was good for me. It wasn’t until she slapped me in the face that it hit me, literally. She’d yelled so much that day, I could still hear it ringing in my ears.

_What the actual fuck Dan?_

_Get the fuck out of my life._

Confusion hit me as a voice broke through the yelling. No one had been there to break it up; it was just me and her to fight it out.

“Dan,” a voice repeated, softly, “Dan, you there?”

It was Andy, I realised as I opened one of the eyes I had scrunched shut in trying to protect myself. They were crouched next to me, looking concerned, lips moving but I wasn’t getting half of what they were saying.

“Dan, are you hearing me?” they asked, this time enough words getting through for me to understand.

“A little,” I choked, nodding.

“Dan, try and take a deep breath or two, okay. What do you need?” they said, slowly moving their hand so it was within grabbing distance of mine.

“Water, these, ‘n’ Phil,” I choked out, opening my hand a little to show my tub of pills.

“Okay, two seconds,” Andy said, hurrying to the kitchen door and shouting something in to Sarah.

“Sarah’s on the water,” Andy said, returning to pull a chair over next to me, “You want to get your tablet out?”

Nodding, I started trying to open the tub in my hands, but with how much I was shaking, it was a struggle. A frustrated sob burst from my throat as I fought with the lid. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t.

“Dan, can I help?” Andy asked, their hand slowly approaching mine, “Here.”

I let Andy take my medication from me, trusting them to get it out the tub so I could take it. As they were opening the tub, Sarah walked in, holding a mug of water and approaching slowly.

Andy beckoned her over, at the same time depositing a pill into my shaking hand, “Is it just one?”

Nodding, I lifted the pill to my mouth and reached out to Sarah for the mug of water. I let Andy help me with it, because I was completely past the point of trying to do things by myself. I choked a little on the tablet as I swallowed it, but there seemed to be a helping hand rubbing my back as I washed it down.

“ _Please stop eating all my snacks, Dan, it’s not good for you.”_

I shook my head frantically, trying to get her voice out of my head again.

“Please talk,” I croaked to Sarah and Andy, “I need to hear something else.”

“Okay, Dan, we’re going to call Phil now,” Andy started, their voice soothing, “Sarah, could you maybe do that? You’ve got Phil’s number, right?”

Sarah nodded, turning back towards the kitchen, “Of course, yeah.”

“Dan,” Andy continued, “D’you think you could focus on your breathing or is that too hard?”

“Too hard,” I nodded, feeling like I was using all of my mental strength to keep a certain voice out of my head and that I couldn’t realistically focus on anything else.

“Keep sipping your water then,” Andy nodded, rubbing their hand up and down my back, probably as I hadn’t pushed it away. “You’re going to be okay. I’m guessing you can’t really talk about it right now, but you’re safe back here. Sarah’s calling Phil and hopefully he can get down here.”

“What if he can’t get out of class?” I asked, suddenly feeling another wave of overwhelming panic at the thought of Phil not being able to come and help me.

“Phil’s on his way, don’t worry,” Sarah said, poking her head through the door again, “He was in a theory class, so it wasn’t a problem.”

The five minutes that followed were all a blur. Sarah brought me a mug of diluting juice once I’d finished my water and Andy continued to speak to me and rub my back. I was still panicking, chest tight, breathing hard, tears running down my cheeks, but they were keeping me from getting any worse, keeping my mind from any further flashbacks.

When Phil appeared, out of breath, Andy quickly gave up their seat for him. He plopped himself next to me and immediately decided to free me of my apron and my top shirt button. He shed his coat and placed it gently on my shoulders, pushing my hair back off my face. Although his breathing was fast from rushing, I could feel him trying to slow his movements.

“Dan,” Phil said, his voice soothing, slipping his hand between the buttons of my shirt, “What happened? I know you’re having a panic attack and that you’ve taken your medication, but what triggered it.”

“N-no,” I choked, struggling to get her name out.

“No?” Phil questioned softly, “Would be easier to help you if I knew.”

“Nora,” I spluttered, pointing in the direction of the cafe, “Came in, had to get her coffee and doughnut.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “You’re safe back here though; I need you to focus on that. It’s just me and Andy in here, no one’s going to hurt you, you’ve got space to breathe.”

I felt the fingers of Phil’s other hand brush over mine, then he gently curled my hand up within his, “Your medication’s going to help you soon, but I need you to keep breathing until then. Want me to do it with you?”

I nodded, feeling too tired to answer in words. I felt Phil undo a button on my shirt, then spread his hand out more. He would tell me to breathe in and he would slowly count for a few seconds, then I would hold my breath, then I would breathe out. The familiarity of the exercise was somewhat comforting; I could focus on one thing at a time and I knew that Phil was ready with the next. I eventually started to fall into a rhythm, started to understand what was coming next. I didn’t stop until Phil stopped, until he was satisfied I had my breathing steady enough. It wouldn’t be perfect, not until my medication slowed my heart rate back to normal.

“One. Two. Three. Four,” Phil paused, “And out…”

When Phil stopped counting my breathing, I relaxed into his side, thankful, but not quite able to express it yet.

“You’re okay Dan, you’re okay,” Phil said, bringing his arms around me in a hug, “Just relax now.”

–

**Phil’s POV:**

When Sarah had called me during class, I knew something was wrong. She quickly told me that Dan was having a panic attack and that he needed me. I was pleased to hear he’d managed to take his medication, but getting myself to him was a top priority of mine. I quickly excused myself from my class, explaining to my tutor, Mark, that my soulmate needed me urgently.

Knowing I couldn’t really park any nearer to the cafė, I left the car at the college and ran to where Dan worked. Okay, I was a bit out of breath on arrival, but I was able to help him all the same. Hearing that Nora had appeared was a bit of a shock, but I guess it was kind of inevitable that she’d make an appearance again in his life at some point.

Now that I’d helped him calm his breathing, he was cuddled into my side, still shaking, but on the mend. I leant down to kiss him on the forehead, feeling like he was needing a little extra love. What he really needed was his bed, but I wasn’t quite sure if that was possible yet.

“Could you maybe make Dan a hot chocolate?” I asked his colleague and friend, Andy, “No cream or marshmallows, in a takeaway cup.”

“Of course,” Andy nodded, giving us a small smile and heading through the door into the kitchen, “Give me two minutes.”

I kept hugging Dan until Andy returned, when my duties changed to helping him drink hot chocolate. His hands were shaking, hence my request of a takeaway cup, but if I didn’t help, he was going to get it all down his chin and probably all over his shirt. Dan had his left hand on the cup, I had my right, and between us, we managed to get the drink safely to his mouth. It was never a skill I thought I’d develop, being a pro at helping my soulmate drink out of a cup or glass, but here I was. He needed the help sometimes and I was happy to give it to him.

I knew the hot drink would help him, give him a bit of warmth, a bit of sugar. His body was going to need a lot more than that to recover though. Ideally, he needed to go home, lie down and get some sleep, but he was meant to be working for another two hours.

Looking to Andy for help, I asked my question, “Is there anyone who can take the rest of his shift? I think he really should go home.”

“I’ll do it,” Andy said, “I was meant to be finishing up the now, but don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, to be polite, “You’ve already done so much.”

“It’s fine, honestly,” Andy nodded, “I don’t mind working another couple of hours.”

Dan looked like he was about to protest, but Andy shut him up before he could get there, “Dan, Phil’s right, I think you should go home. I really don’t mind finishing your shift.”

“Okay,” Dan said, still sounding a little weak, taking the last sip of his hot chocolate, then nuzzling further into my side, “Thank you.”

“Phil,” Dan started after a while, “D’you think you’d recognise her? Could you check if she’s still in the cafe? I don’t think I could leave with her still here. I feel kinda trapped.”

“Yeah, I remember her from halloween,” I nodded, “Can we not use the back door?”

Dan looked up at Andy questioningly, clearly needing the authority of someone who had been here a bit longer, “I don’t see why not, but I’ll go and check with Ben.”

“Thanks,” I said to Andy, as they made their way to the kitchen.

Andy came back with the news that yes, we could leave via the backdoor. This came as quite a relief to Dan, as although he was not fully recovered, he was desperate to go. As Dan was already half wearing my coat, I helped him get his arms into it and zipped it up in front of him. I lifted his coat off his hook and put it on myself; it was a bit of a tight fit, but I wasn’t going to steal his warmth.

“You look after yourself Dan, get some rest, and let me know if you’d rather stay home tomorrow because I can take the shift,” Andy said to Dan, putting their arms around him in a loose hug.

Andy’s hug only lasted about a second, then they moved away giving me a small smile, “I know you take good care of him, Phil; make sure he makes the right decision about tomorrow.”

Andy opened the back door for us, and with an arm around Dan, we made our way outside. We said goodbye to Andy, me thanking them so much for all they had done to help Dan. We made our way along the alley that ran behind the shops, not stopping until we had rounded the corner. It was Dan who had stopped first, turning into me for another hug.

Bringing my arms around him and my face up next to his, I mumbled to him, “Something wrong?”

“Just felt I needed another hug, maybe couldn’t lose myself in it so much with Andy there,” Dan mumbled, shakily exhaling against my neck.

“I get that; you said sh-they get jealous of guys hugging, right? That you don’t want to make h-them feel down about it?” I said, stumbling a bit over the pronouns I wasn’t quite used to using.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Andy’s mostly chill with hugging people, but I think they crave the feeling of hugging as a flat chested person. I can’t completely understand, but generally I try to avoid doing anything super masculine or bringing up anything that’ll make them feel feminine or uncomfortable.”

“Speaking of uncomfortable, how are  _you_  feeling?” I asked Dan, noticing that he was a bit more talkative.

“Shaky, tired, still a bit scared and shaken up, but alive,” Dan told me, sighing.

“Well let’s get you home and we can either talk about it or I can let you sleep, whatever you want,” I nodded, knowing we would need to figure out what was best for him first. “The car’s still up at the college so we’ve got a little walk, but I think you can do it.”

“Just stick with me, yeah?” Dan asked, a little uncertainly.

“Of course,” I said, giving him a little squeeze, “I’m not going to leave you even for two seconds at the moment.”

As we pulled apart our hug, I found Dan’s hand, interlocking our fingers and giving it a squeeze, “I’m right here.”

We set off walking, back to my college, back to our car, hands joined, shoulders brushing as we stuck as close together as we could. Dan’s hand was a little shaky, a little clammy, and he himself was quite quiet, but I knew he’d be okay, he just needed some privacy and some rest.

On reaching the car, I opened the passenger door for Dan and kept supporting him, with a hand on his back, until he was settled in the seat. I quickly hurried around the front of the car and joined him inside, ready to take him home.

I did the reverse process when we arrived at our flat, opening his door and joining hands again once he was out. We got up the stairs fine, with there not being so many of them these days, but I could see it was still a bit of a struggle.

As I unlocked the door, I gave Dan a couple of instructions so he didn’t go straight off to bed without taking care of himself, “Go and get changed into something comfy, go to the bathroom or whatever you need to do and come to the sofa. I’m gonna get some water and a couple of other things and I’ll meet you there.”

I left Dan at our bedroom door, knowing he would manage to get sorted out by himself. I made my way to the kitchen, filling a mug with water for Dan and flicking the kettle on in case he decided he wanted some tea later.

I sat the water down on a table by the couch, then went to retrieve a blanket from the comfy chair across the room. I couldn’t think of anything else to get him; that would depend how he was feeling. Maybe he’d need paracetamol, maybe he’d want a bath, but I felt he’d probably want to go straight to bed.

“Hey,” I greeted Dan, as he arrived in pyjamas and a hoodie, “Come sit down, let’s talk about how you’re feeling?”

“Not the best,” Dan mumbled, settling himself between my legs.

“Right, let’s start with how you’re feeling physically? Tired? Sore? Shaky?” I prompted him, pulling up the blanket and trying to make sure he was comfortable.

“A little shaky, tired, but I can deal with that,” Dan told me, relaxing into me a little.

“And mentally?” I asked slowly, “D’you want to sit and have a chat for a little bit?”

“That would be good,” Dan nodded, sighing, “I still feel really on edge. I kind of feel like I want to talk to my therapist but she’s probably busy and you’re here so…”

“If you want to call her and see I can help?” I suggested, wanting to do what I could.

“I’m not sure I’m honestly in a state to speak to anyone else,” Dan mumbled indecisively.

“Will I do for the moment and you can maybe call her, say tomorrow when you’re feeling up to it?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Dan nodded, pulling the blanket up to his chin, “Could you pass me that water?”

As Dan took a few sips of water, I thought about what I was going to ask him. I knew that Nora had come in for a coffee and a doughnut, that he’d clearly had a panic attack and taken his medication, but I didn’t know where his mind was during the whole process.

I started the conversation gently by asking Dan if he’d managed to make the coffee for her, how much he had managed before he fled to the back. I was impressed to hear that he’d managed to make her the coffee, get her the doughnut and even do the transaction and change. We then went onto his feelings as he’d gone about that: the utter panic, the realisation that his body was able to go through the motions of making a cappuccino without his mind really being there.

We had to take a break in the conversation, as when Dan started to explain where his mind was during the first few minutes he spent in the back room, it got a bit too much for him to deal with again.

“Breathe,” I said, running my hand over his chest. “You need me to help you or are you okay?”

“M’okay,” Dan nodded, his chest rising and falling rather forcefully beneath my hand.

I stayed quiet while Dan focused on his breathing, letting him focus without distraction for a while. When I did start talking to him again, I decided against picking up where we left off. I had experienced enough of Dan’s panic attack to piece together vaguely how he would have felt.

“I think you’ve maybe talked enough for today,” I said acknowledging his exhausted state, “Unless there’s anything else you want to get off you mind?”

“I think I’m good,” Dan murmured, “Thanks for listening. I feel a lot better after talking to you.”

“I think we should get dinner early, maybe watch something and then you can go to bed early,” I suggested, resting my chin on his shoulder for a moment. “Does that sound good to you? I’m just thinking if you take a nap now, you might not sleep so well later.”

“Yeah sounds decent,” Dan agreed, “I think I can manage to stay awake a bit longer.”

“What do you want for dinner?” I asked, “Not got anything planned so it’s your choice. What’s going to make you feel good?”

Dan looked thoughtful for a minute, but eventually gave me an answer, “I’d like spaghetti? Just make a simple tomato sauce or something?”

“Okay, I can do that,” I nodded, glad he had picked out something quick and simple; it meant I could spend a bit longer just cuddling with him before I had to get up and make it. “I’ll start making it at five.”

For the half hour or so that followed, I just sat with Dan, holding him in an embrace that was comforting for him but warm and cosy for both of us. I was glad he was okay, maybe still a little tired and wobbly, but okay.

When I got up to make dinner, I left him with a little kiss, only going as far as the kitchen, from where I could still see him. I set about boiling the kettle, weighing out the pasta, getting out the sauce ingredients. I could feel dan watching me, so every so often I would look up and give him a smile, a little acknowledgement that although I was cooking, yes I still cared about his presence.

We talked a little as I cooked, Dan filling me in on a couple of other, less dramatic things, that had happened earlier on in the day. I told him a little about my day at college; us sharing our days had become part of evening routine, something that helped us stay as close as we could as a couple.

When the pasta was ready, I served it into two bowls and joined Dan on the sofa with it. We usually ate at the table, a habit we’d gotten into in the early days because it was better for digestion, but I felt it really shouldn’t matter now with how good he’d had been doing lately.

We put a episode of a TV show on as we ate, slurping spaghetti but not talking over it. When we finished eating, we sat the bowls to the side and slowly started to curl up together again, the idea of cuddling being too tempting to resist. The TV show ended, so we put the next episode on, but it seemed that Dan gradually seemed to lose concentration, eyes fluttering shut, slowly falling asleep.

As he fell asleep, he fell away from me a little, so not wanting him to fall off the sofa, I managed to get up and let him have the space to himself. I’d let him sleep for a little bit while I sorted a few things out, but I think he really ought to get to bed. I retrieved Dan’s phone from the join in the cushions and thought about how he was doing in terms of working tomorrow. He really should text Andy tonight, and while he probably wouldn’t mind me doing it for him, I wanted to have his word first.

I pocketed his phone, hoping that would remind me to talk to him about it when I woke him up to get him ready for bed. I collected up our pasta bowls and drink glasses, taking them to the kitchen to put in the dishwasher. I got the sink filling to wash up the pasta pot, taking the opportunity to do it now as I knew I wouldn’t appreciate seeing it in the morning. When the sink was full and I shut the water off, I noticed a noise coming from behind me where Dan was; it sounded like choking. I spun around to see him appearing to choke on something in his sleep. I hurried out of the kitchen, grabbing our living room bin on the way because I had no idea what this situation was going to bring.

I rushed over to Dan, pulling him upright and getting his head forward over the bin. I made a judgement and thumped him on the back, hoping that would help because I had no idea what else to do. It must’ve been enough to dislodge the problem, because Dan threw up a little bit, still half asleep and confused.

I rubbed Dan’s back gently now, thankful he had stopped choking, but still feeling a tension there, “It’s okay if you need to throw up more; got a bin here for you.”

Dan mumbled something, but I didn’t catch it as he gagged and threw up a bit more. I continued to rub his back, hoping it was at least a little soothing.

When he appeared to have stopped struggling, I spoke softly, “Are you okay? You started choking in your sleep but I’m not sure why.”

Dan shrugged and looked down into the bin, gagging violently as he saw its contents.

“Dan, if I can help you to the bathroom, you won’t have to look at that?” I suggested, knowing it would be best to get him in front of a toilet asap.

“Yeah, thanks,” Dan mumbled, giving me his hand so I could help him up.

With Dan on his feet, holding the bin, I steered him all the way along the hallway and through our bedroom to the ensuite. I left him for a moment to take the bin away to the other bathroom - I would deal with that later - but returned quickly.

I sat by Dan’s side, pushing his sleep hair off his forehead and resting a hand on his back. We were there for about twenty minutes, Dan managing to contain himself and eventually admitting he was feeling okay again. During this time I got him a glass of water, which he sipped slowly on, hopefully helping to soothe his throat and stomach.

We shuffled away from the toilet a little, still sitting on the floor as Dan was feeling a bit weak. I couldn’t quite understand what had caused him to choke and throw up, and neither could he. We eventually came on an idea that maybe he just hadn’t had enough time to digest his dinner properly before he fell asleep. Most people would be fine, but Dan’s stomach just wasn’t quite right sometimes; something that made it clear he was still in recovery.

“I think we should text Andy and ask if they can take your shift,” I said to Dan, “I’d just been thinking about texting them to say you’d make it, but I don’t think you should now.”

“I’ll be fine in the morning,” Dan tried to insist, his weakened voice not helping his case.

“Dan, you threw up, so until you can be absolutely sure you don’t have norovirus or something, you’re not setting foot in a kitchen,” I told him firmly, “Although we think its your ED, we can’t be sure, okay?”

Dan nodded quietly, making me realise I’d maybe sounded a bit harsh, but it was difficult for me not to with learning a lot of food hygiene in college.

“Sorry if that sounded harsh,” I said softly, not wanting to leave things like that, “I didn’t mean for it to come out so strong.”

I retrieved Dan’s phone from my pocket and opened up a new text to Andy. I typed out a message for him, making clear it was from me, but getting him to approve it.

_Hey, it’s Phil. Could you maybe take Dan’s shift for tomorrow? He was doing alright, but he just threw up his dinner and while it’s probably just his ED recovery, it’s probably best not to have him in a kitchen until we’re sure._

Dan nodded his approval to the message and hit send himself, handing the phone back to me while we waited for a response.

_Of course, I’ve got it covered. I hope he feels better, plenty of rest’ll do him good_

It had only taken them a minute to reply, which was quite a relief as I wanted to get Dan to bed and we really needed to know the answer first. I read it out to him and he visibly relaxed, leaning into my side.

“Can we go to bed now?” Dan yawned, sounding so tired that he was almost on the verge of tears.

“Get your teeth brushed and pee and whatever, then yes,” I told him, “I’m going to email my tutor while you get ready, okay.”

I sat on the edge of the bath while Dan did what he needed to do, typing out an email to Mark, my college tutor.

_Hi Mark, I think it’s best that I don’t attend tomorrow. My soulmate’s been sick; I suspect it’s nothing contagious as he’s recovering from an eating disorder, but I think it’s best to be on the safe side and not come into the kitchen. Will see you the day after, presuming all is well. Thanks, Phil_

When Dan was finished, I followed him through the bedroom and helped him get settled into bed. I sat next to him, on my side of the bed, but I had a few things to do first before I would be ready to go to bed myself.

“Get some sleep, love,” I told him, leaning down to give him a goodnight kiss, “I’ll join you soon and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“You stayin’ ‘til I’m ‘sleep?” Dan mumbled.

“Yes, of course,” I nodded, running my hand down his duvet-shrouded side.

Dan didn’t say anything else after that, drifting off to sleep and snoring lightly, getting the rest that he needed.

When I was sure Dan would stay asleep, I got up to deal with the few things I had to get done. I finished cleaning the pot I had abandoned in the kitchen sink, I dealt with the bin Dan had been sick in, and finally I locked up. I got myself ready for bed quickly, making the decision to shower in the morning so that I wouldn’t disturb Dan’s sleep just now. I knew when I joined him in bed that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep yet, so I sat with just my lamp on and read for a while. Dan was feeling fragile and staying with him when he was in a vulnerable state was very important to me.

–

The next day, Dan was absolutely fine, which was definitely a relief. We’d both stayed home as a precaution, but it proved to be nothing more than what we suspected.

With everything that had happened the previous day, I made sure that this one was calm and relaxed for Dan. In the morning we took a bath together, then throughout the day, I made sure that his diet was made up of simple things: toast, soup, fruit, and that we ate at the table like we usually did.

Dan just had his bad days now and then, that was something that just happened. Sometimes his anxiety would play up, sometimes his digestive system wouldn’t quite function correctly, but this time they came at once. It was a bit of an annoyance for him and put him in a bit of a low mental state for a few days, but as usual, he was okay, he got through it.

He made sure to speak to his therapist about the whole thing, another appointment which I joined him at for support. Having had a few days to process the events, he could now explain it well and I could tell that talking it through again to her helped him to get his thoughts in order.

We all hoped that Nora wouldn’t start to frequent the café, but we would look into options if it became a problem. This possibility would give Dan a little anxiety about going to work sometimes, but in one of his flashbacks she’d stated that she never wanted to see him again. That was something I would remind Dan of when he got down about it, the one memory of her which he didn’t actually mind recalling.


	40. Epilogue: When Someday Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone thats read this far! It took me two years to write this fic. It’s weird, it feels like a little baby thats now all grown up and leaving home. I’m a bit emotional, with it having been such a big part of my life, and I’m guessing some of you might be too? I’m sorry in advance for any tears, so if you think you might cry, now’s the time to get your tissues ready.
> 
> I wanted to make this epilogue perfect, or at least as perfect as I could. Everything I wanted to include is in here, and I hope it has the sort of feel I was aiming for. Having never written an epilogue in my life, it was a difficult one. Thank you so much to @knlalla for giving this a little beta-ing for me, helping me sort out my messy tenses and helping me to make it that little bit more perfect!

**Epilogue:**

Over the course of the next couple of years, Phil worked hard on his cooking course, making the best food he could and getting the top marks out of his class. His ability to take on creative challenges was very beneficial to planning out and creating meals from scratch. Much like the people on TV cooking shows, he could plan a dish with a deep meaning and cook it to perfection.

Dan worked hard in the café, earning money and keeping himself busy while he thought about his longer term plans for the future. He gained an interest in video editing through helping Phil with the cooking videos he would produce on occasion. He hadn’t quite figured out whether he could do anything with that in the long term, if he wanted to find himself a course on the subject and try it out. In the end, he kept the café job up for the whole time Phil was doing his cooking course. It suited him well, working just along the road from Phil, where they could still get to each other quickly if they needed to.

When Phil graduated from his course, with a chefs hat on his head, Dan was nothing but proud of him. They went out to a restaurant that night to celebrate; with Phil’s growing connections, he had managed to get them a discounted rate for a Michelin Star restaurant. Dan indulged in the food that evening, so full of pride for Phil that he just wanted to fill his stomach with good food too.

Phil quickly managed to get himself a job as an Commis Chef, a role in which he would learn from a Chef de Partie how to manage different areas of the kitchen. He could work his way up from there, to a Chef de Partie, to a Sous Chef and to a Head Chef. While he was happy enough being a chef in any capacity, it was his dream to get promoted to a head chef someday.

Phil would work his ass off every night, then come home and collapse into bed. It reminded Dan a little of the days when Phil worked as a waiter; he would come home exhausted then, too. Dan would do his best to accommodate this, making sure Phil got himself ready for bed properly and that he got enough sleep. For a while, they struggled with their drastically different schedules, not seeing each other from nine in the morning til eleven at night. Dan was tempted to quit his job at the café just so he could spend more time with Phil, but he didn’t want to have to rely on his parents for money again.

There eventually came a day when they realised they had to do something about their schedules. Dan got really sick one evening and Phil wasn’t able to go home to look after him. Instead, he was frantically trying to sauteé vegetables with his head filled with worry, not getting the results he was hoping for. Dan got the next few days off work without a problem, but Phil was disgusted to find that his employers still wanted him in the kitchen when he was potentially carrying a stomach bug. He did his absolute best handwashing both at home and at work and thankfully, he didn’t pick up the illness, but he still remained horrified at his workplace for wanting him to work. He did his best to take care of Dan in the mornings and when he got home at night, but it hurt him to know that his soulmate was suffering alone.

That put Phil on the search for a new job, somewhere that would hopefully be a little more understanding and have a little more common sense when it came to calling in sick. An opening popped up in a restaurant for someone to work lunchtimes and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. He put in his application, went along for a couple of trials and was accepted with a promotion to Chef de Partie.

With Phil’s new job, their schedules were more aligned, which brought along some positive improvements in their relationship. Phil was no longer tired and cranky from working too late, Dan felt an improvement in his mental health at being able to talk to Phil more and generally, they both felt better about life.

With Phil working lunchtimes, that let him cook at home for him and Dan in the evenings. There was something about cooking for Dan, providing for his soulmate, that fulfilled some primal instinct in Phil. It felt good, it felt right. Maybe it was because he’d seen Dan in such a state of malnourishment in the past, or maybe it was just his inner chef wanting to cook.

Their evenings became more laid back, more relaxed. No longer would Phil come home from work and crawl straight into bed. Now he could spend time with Dan, make love to him, kiss him, have sex with him, hold him close and cuddle. Phil felt that his life was slowly finding that perfection he longed for.

Phil’s little hobby, his cooking channel on YouTube, was growing a bigger audience. He’d sometimes film the things he made for dinner, knowing there would be people out there who’d be interested in his recipe. Dan helped him now, taking over most of the video editing role, which was where Phil sometimes ran out of patience or time. Dan had slowly picked up on Phil’s style, established how to get it ‘just right’.

Dan used to be completely absent from the filming process, but he eventually realised they could benefit from some close ups here and there. Phil folding pastry. Phil slicing carrots into perfect, identical circles. Phil plating food that looked like it belonged in the best of the best restaurants. Dan was there to capture it all. He’d make a guest appearance from time to time. Phil would make fun videos too, ones where he would invite Dan in as a ‘novice’ to attempt to learn some culinary techniques. Dan would do his best, which probably made the videos more relatable to those learning or aspiring chefs in the audience.

Adverts and promotions slowly started to gain the two of them a little extra income. Phil only chose to promote things he genuinely found useful, but the adverts before and below the videos didn’t do anyone any harm.

Phil loved his job and eventually worked his way up to head chef, his lifelong dream. He was in his element, being in charge of a kitchen, both doing the hardest jobs and making sure the underchefs were doing all that they needed to. It was stressful, but he loved it. He was cooking good food for lots of people, and although he didn’t get to see them enjoy it, enough reviews found their way back to him.

Phil never expected an opportunity for his professional career to find him through his YouTube channel, but one day he received an email from a big television company about going on a show. It was going to give him experience working in one of the best restaurants in the country. He would have to travel down to London for a few days to take part, but after talking to Dan about it, he decided it was too good an opportunity to miss out on.

Phil had his travel and accommodation costs covered for him, which after discussion with the company, allowed him to bring Dan with him, as he’d have a spare seat in his car and a spare spot in his bed. Dan didn’t get to attend the filming, but he was there when Phil came home at night. He found other things to do during the day, including taking a train to see his family for lunch and seeing an old friend from school who was at university in London. Phil’s days were long, but he had to admit it was one of the best experiences of his life.

When the filming for TV was over and they headed home again, Phil had a few months of anticipation, waiting to see the show when it aired, wondering whether it would change anything in his professional life. When it finally aired, Phil found both an influx of customers to his workplace and an influx of subscribers to his YouTube channel. Both had been mentioned on the television show, and it seemed the audience loved him.

Whilst he was in his element as Head Chef, Phil had one more dream. He longed to open up his own restaurant, something personal to him which he would have complete control of. Until now, this hadn’t been feasible, but with the extra money he was earning, both online and at work, it was starting to feel like more of a possibility. He spoke with his parents, with financial advisors and with a number of restaurant managers who he knew. It was going to be a big leap of faith, but he was now in the market for purchasing a restaurant, if he could find something that seemed right.

It took a couple of years for Phil to find something for sale in the perfect location, to get it upgraded to a high enough standard, to get it fitted out in just the right style. While the builders were in, he worked his socks off at home on the menu, making sure he could cook every dish to perfection. With the menu, he’d have to start out small, but he had an idea of what all he wanted on it in the long run.

He knew it would take him a while to work up to being a reputable business, but he managed to find himself a couple of staff, and he’d find more once things were up and running. With Dan’s help, he planned an opening night, inviting along family and friends to an event with a small set menu. Dan worked on promoting it within both their social circles, and started to build the restaurant an online presence too.

The opening night was a success, Phil had a rough estimate of numbers, and with the help of his small crew of kitchen staff, they managed to make things run smoothly. The income was good; a couple more generous aunts and uncles left large tips, which would help with the overall takings.

Things were slow to start with, but the guests at the opening night spread the word, and gradually, over the coming weeks, the customer numbers rose. It would be a while before they’d need to take on more staff, but everything slowly started to settle into place, to work just the way they’d wanted it to.

Dan had fallen into the role of chief advertiser for the restaurant, and if they hadn’t already shared a bank account, Phil would have been paying him for it. Instead, Phil just made sure Dan knew he earned them a share of their takings. For a while, Dan kept up his job in the café too, because it was something he genuinely enjoyed. Yes, he was working two jobs and he probably didn’t need to, but the restaurant advertising didn’t feel like a job to him. Dan did eventually quit his job in the café, but only because it was taking away from the time he could be spending with Phil. He’d been free to visit Phil at work, but it wasn’t enough.

As the popularity of Phil’s restaurant grew, so did the menu. Phil made a great deal of having it accessible for all. He offered different portion sizes for the majority of the dishes, had a variety of plainer and fancier options and low calorie alternatives. In addition, he made sure everything was marked with its gluten and dairy content, and that there were plenty of options free of either or both of these. Phil’s goal was to make the restaurant friendly for all,  for those with intolerances or allergies and those who couldn’t eat much or didn’t want to eat much.

Dan, as part of his role in the restaurant’s advertisement, took on the job of creating some extra posters. Phil would occasionally run a special themed menu, so as well as online advertising, Dan would create posters to advertise it to the diners, hoping to encourage them back for something different. One day, in putting up a poster in the toilets, an idea crossed Dan’s mind. He’d spent his fair share of time in the toilets of restaurants and cafés, and never once had he seen something to encourage him to get help. After talking to Phil about it, he spent some time making up a poster about support for eating disorders, the signs, and where you could get help. He didn’t know if it would help anyone, but the cubicle doors needed something on the back of them, and if anything, they would spread awareness of the issue.

Phil worked most evenings now, but being the boss, he determined his own workload. Sometimes he’d be in the kitchen, sometimes he’d wait tables, sometimes he’d work the front desk and the phone for bookings. He had realised he liked doing a variety the work, and working for himself meant he could. Dan would often drop by for his dinner, and sometimes don a spare work shirt of Phil’s to help out. He didn’t have the chef qualifications to help in the kitchen, but he could make coffee, he could load a dishwasher and he could serve food, although maybe not quite with the finesse of a trained waiter. None of the other staff cared that Dan wasn’t officially an employee, he was Phil’s soulmate and a big part of the business. Eventually, Phil made him a business partner, a co-owner, as it made the money easier to work out.

Over the years, Dan grew to feel a lot more comfortable in his body and a lot more stable in his mental health. Whilst he continued to take a small dose of antidepressants to keep his anxiety at bay, and to see a mental health therapist often, he was doing a lot better overall. He’d still have the occasional mild panic attack or down day, but all he would need was to do some breathing exercises or to receive a bit of support from Phil. No longer would he have the rush to find the medication to slow his heart rate; that struggle became a thing of the past, a thing of the days when his mental health wasn’t good, when feeling better was only a distant idea that might happen ‘Someday’.

For Phil, ‘Someday’ had held the dreams of becoming a head chef, of opening his own restaurant, of cooking good food and having lots of people enjoy it. Neither of them could quite identify when this day had come, or if there were to be more ‘Someday’s in the future, but they had found happiness together, faced all the ups and downs and found balance in life.

Together, they might get a dog, they might adopt a child, they might move to a bigger house. There would always be unknowns and surprises. Neither of them knew what life would hold; they would grow old together, but for now that didn’t matter, that was only a distant Someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this final piece of Someday, and that you’ll stay with me on here for my future writing adventures!   
> [If you want, come follow me on tumblr.](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com)


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